General chatter - 40 something newlywed thinks hubs home too much




swtgila
05-26-2010, 08:16 PM
Crikey! I am 48 and a newlywed for the very first time. I do love my husband, but I am used to being alone during the work week. I wanna be alone darn it. I knew marriage would be an adjustment, but I guess I am having a harder time than I thought. He is self employed and sometimes works from home. Some days he is just getting up when I leave for work, and some days he is home already when I get home. ARRGGHH! I feel like I get no time alone. It makes me wanna eat too! Just out of frustration, cuz I am an emotional eater.

Like tonight. I was so excited all day long b/c he had a job an hour away and wasn't going to be in till bedtime. I got home at 4, and his car was here. I felt pissed off driving up. I know. Not a good feeling for a newlywed of 3 months. I thought, "Crap, why is he home?" There goes my good mood." Well, I got inside and he told me plans had changed and he'd be doing that job tomorrow night. He went to hugging on me and I laughingly pushed away and said, "but I am not getting my one night to myself." Which he knew I was looking forward to. He said that I would tomorrow night and I reminded him that no I wouldn't b/c I have my part time job tomorrow night. I secretly just wanted to cry. :(:cry:

Why is this so hard on me? Am I being selfish? I feel selfish. Our house is very small. Only 1350 square feet. I feel like I can't go anywhere w/o him under foot. Sometimes I just get tired of sharing that small space. I don't know what the answer is. He is a homebody. His only hobby is being on the computer. He has no guy friends. He doesn't go anywhere but to work. I feel like I could scream tonight! I just wanna eat all these feelings away. :stress: I do love him and am happy much of the time, but there are times when I wonder if I should have gotten married. Maybe I am too set in my ways. He loves to be with me as much as possible. I never get on his nerves. He will always stop what he is doing to be with me. I can't say the same about myself. I just feel awful!


yoyoma
05-26-2010, 08:34 PM
I like having some alone time, and I've been happily married for 26 years. How about getting your alone time by jogging/walking? Alternatively, is there some sort of activity that hubby might do regularly -- some adult ed course or a gym he could work out at that can give you some regularly scheduled alone time? I would be up front with him and let you know how much you love him but that you are used to having some time to yourself and you feel uncomfortable without having any.

swtgila
05-26-2010, 08:49 PM
Thank you yoyo. I agree. I have been upfront more than once. I have asked him to call a guy friend and go out every once and awhile. I don't think he directly ignores my request. I think he just doesn't think about it. So far tho, it ain't happened. I can get alone time by taking a walk, but sometimes I want that alone time in my home.


astrophe
05-26-2010, 09:11 PM
I know what you mean. I don't want to HAVE to leave my own house just to be alone.

Can you set a date like 2nd Thursdays is MY day?

Or send him to run errands on Saturday all day?

Do you have a corner, area or room of your own in the home? Maybe that would help.

A.

ANewCreation
05-26-2010, 09:26 PM
I was born to be alone. Seriously, I need it like oxygen. I'm the only person I know who will go see a movie by herself or treat her self to brunch alone. I like doing those things.

My hubby is much like yours and add to that mix I have 3 sons. Love them all. They are my most favorite people in the world. Having said that, I too want my alone time. And, like you, I don't want to leave the house to get it. If I am in our bedroom, everyone understands that is my way of saying, 'I need some alone time.' I might read, watch tv, do a small craft or even nap.

Establish some boundaries with your dear hubby. Carve out a small amount of space that let's him know when you're in there, it means alone time for you. I get the small house issue, when we were first married we had a house about that size too. I guess that's why I claimed our bedroom. After the kids came, there was no other spot. Now we have a bigger house, but the bedroom is still my spot.

You are not alone, you are not selfish, & this doesn't mean you weren't meant for marriage. Some of us just need more alone time than others.

jigglefree
05-26-2010, 09:43 PM
I got married at 43 and it was a major adjustment for me. You have to negotiate with him some "ME TIME" that's agreeable for both of you. Like after work you need "x" amount of time to unwind. When he knows you are looking forward to the time and plans change like tonight, he should do something else so that you get that time. As well you have to understand that he is going to be around you more than you are used to. What was he doing before you got married? Not much is going to change about that. Did you not see him during the week much? You will also have to adjust your thinking about "your" time. I had to give a lot of that up...kicking and screaming but it was done. Three years and a baby later we don't do much without the other.

EZMONEY
05-26-2010, 09:46 PM
Most everyone I know enjoys their "alone" time....

However, from the looks of this to me...and I mean no disrespect...

I think your marriage is headed for some troubled times over this....

my only advice would be to find your "alone" time outside the home...

Angie is always ditching me for yoga :D

MonteCristo
05-27-2010, 02:42 PM
You really need to talk to him about this. It sounds like you are an introvert, so maybe get some introvert vs extrovert literature to share with him. You need to have your alone time, without feeling guilty that you are "abandoning" your husband. It would be nice if you could schedule some of your alone time away from the house, but I personally need to be in my own home for it to be truly relaxing. I live at home with my Dad and seven younger siblings, so it can be very difficult to be alone, especially since my Dad and 16yo sister can't stand to be alone. It was miserable when I was trying to "steal" alone time...I'd think they'd be gone, then they turn up at home, and I was totally resenting them and then feeling guilty for it. Now that I've explained my needs to them and I have scheduled alone time things are much better. I'm it is different since you are dealing with your spouse, but I still think communication is key.

I think that when I get married I want to have separate bedrooms! ;)

swtgila
05-27-2010, 09:13 PM
Oh Monte Christo! The separate bedrooms is a tempting idea.:-)

I see some good advice here and I am appreciative of everyone's feed back. I especially like NewCreation's suggestion..."My hubby is much like yours and add to that mix I have 3 sons. Love them all. They are my most favorite people in the world. Having said that, I too want my alone time. And, like you, I don't want to leave the house to get it. If I am in our bedroom, everyone understands that is my way of saying, 'I need some alone time.' I might read, watch tv, do a small craft or even nap.

Establish some boundaries with your dear hubby. Carve out a small amount of space that let's him know when you're in there, it means alone time for you. I get the small house issue, when we were first married we had a house about that size too. I guess that's why I claimed our bedroom. After the kids came, there was no other spot. Now we have a bigger house, but the bedroom is still my spot.

You are not alone, you are not selfish, & this doesn't mean you weren't meant for marriage. Some of us just need more alone time than others.

I think that is doable. And I don't think he'd mind me claiming our bedroom. He spends much of his time at home on the computer in the spare room, or on his laptop in the living room. Our room is the only quiet place, free of distractions if I want to read.

Actually, I am the extrovert. He is an introvert. That is why he never goes anywhere with friends or has a need for them. I do have friends I enjoy doing things with. But again, I crave alone time and this was my house for 3 years before he moved in. I want to relax here at home sometimes alone. I think that idea about claiming a certain day is a good one too.

Yes, b4 we were married, we rarely got together during the week. We both have long work days and agreed that is was more comfortable to manage our schedule's by just spending time together on the weekend. It was mutual. Only thing is: we both need to relax and wind down after the work day during the week, but now it is in the small, small space. He is always up doing something. Like he says. "I like to keep busy." It just tires me out to sit in the LR at night after a long day and see him go back and forth doing this and that. I can't relax cuz he is up doing something all the time.

We will work it out. I feel alot better reading some of this imput from each of you. I don't see us heading for trouble. He is so willing to compromise. I know there is a solution. I think it may just be....master bedroom, my space. It I go in there, just means I need some alone time.

Thanks a million!!!!

Wannabeskinny
05-28-2010, 08:58 AM
You're not alone, everybody needs alone time. Generally I think women need it more than man, I don't know why. Luckily my husband understands this and when he can see I'm getting really edgy he'll say "looks like I'm bothering you, I'm gonna go out for a bit" and then heads off to Home Depot or out with a friend.

The fact that he doesn't have any friends is worrisome. By this age a person should have some friends and it is unlkely that either of you will change. There are 2 things you can do. First of all, you need to be honest with him and let him know that although you love him that you need some alone to yourself. Come up with a schedule that twice a week he has to leave. Can't you send him to go grocery shopping or run errands? Sounds like you've done all the compromising so far. Also, ask him what his alone time needs are. It's an issue you should be able to discuss.

Second, you guys need a bigger place. You'r suffocating in there. It would be best to live in a 2 story house, that way each of you can you have a floor to yourselves.

bargoo
05-28-2010, 10:50 AM
I think you still think of this as" your" house, Sell it and get a house that will be "our"house.Get one that has a den/office for you . Or a two story house or one with a finished basement. In other words , a house you share together, but big enough that you can each have your own space.I also reccomend your own bathroom, nothing like a nice long bubblebath to help you unwind.

swtgila
05-28-2010, 01:18 PM
I like the way you think! Both of you! If I could I would sell. A bigger house is totally the answer. Two stories being ideal. I just can't right now. I would lose too much in this economy. My real estate friend advised me to try to wait it out 2 more years. I agree tho. If I had a place I could go hang by myself and be with the pets and watch tv or read and not have to talk to anyone or whatever, it would be ideal.

DH does have a couple of male friends, but he doesn't choose to hang with them. Before me, he hung out at him mom and step dad's for companionship needs it seems. He is just a loner in that respect. And yet, he doesn't seem to need alone time when it comes to me. We have talked about it. I don't know what the solution is. All of these are really good ideas tho. We have a storage shed in the back with a lawn mower in it and tools etc...now if I could cut a window in it and rig some a.c. and power for a tv and dvd player...that could be the ticket. Oh well. Not seeing how that will work. Still a thought!

And I agree, I think men don't need it as much. That goes along with the fact that women who have a spouse die, often don't feel the need to remarry, but men who have their spouse die, do. They seem to need that nurturing from a home with a woman if they have been used to it. I also notice that men do better having a roommate than a woman does.

mom4life
05-28-2010, 02:14 PM
I understand what you mean. I was living on my own before dh and I got married. When we started dating he would come over every night after work then leave around 9pm to his place, which was fine because I loved spending time with him. He got off of work later then me so I had 2 hours to unwind and get errands done before he came over.
When we got married I felt closed in. I was used to taking off in the evening to do some grocery shopping or just to get out to drive. He would get upset thinking we had to do everything together because that's just how his parents did things so in his eyes that was what a married couple did. I on the other hand came from parents that did everything separately. This got on my nerves big time because I couldn't get away from him. If I did manage to convince him to let me go on my own it would lead to an argument when I got back home.
Flash forward 10 yrs later. I see that all as adjusting from being single to married life. I love my dh and love doing everything with him, that's how we were when we dated and that's how I prefer now. Yes, after 5 kiddos we now go out separately to avoid taking everyone. I'll wait till he gets home from work so I can do grocery shopping or he'll do it on his way home. Or either one of us will go after dinner and take one or two kids, usually he does it so I can get some sort of break from being a SAHM. For me, getting out of the house is my break. I love to drive and get things done alone. I can only handle 1-2 hrs alone before I start missing dh and my little family.
I'm so grateful he was raised with the example his parents gave him because my example of marriage was seriously flawed. My mom went through two marriages, her two husbands complained about her not wanting to do things together. Now my mom is blissfully happy living on her own.
I'm not saying you're headed down the same road, just mentioning what my mom went through. This is pretty much our story. :)
The first year or two are hard for this reason. You're both coming together as two separate people to being a married couple. There is so much adjusting to be made during this time. Be patient and try to work together on these issues. :)

StuffedBunny
05-28-2010, 02:34 PM
I totally get it! My boyfriend moved in with me almost a year ago. He hasn't been able to find a job and he has no car so he is home ALWAYS! Before living with him, I lived alone for two years. I MISS MY ALONE TIME! I go out to my bellydance lesson once a week, but it isn't really alone/me time.

Plus, when I'm home...he always wants to be with me all clingy like. I mean, it's sweet and all...but go away! He is alone home all day so when I get home he wants to hang out with me and do stuff, where as I just got done dealing with people for 10 hours and I want to be left alone. On weekends, when he sleeps in an extra hour or so, I'll wake up earlier and do some yoga or draw or read or something...I milk that few hours for all it's worth. When he wakes up I sometimes get mad at him haha

choirgirlhotel
05-28-2010, 02:42 PM
I know how you feel. However, I live in a less than 500 sq ft house, so imagine that!

One thing I have is my 10-minute rule. When I get in the door from somewhere I demand 10 minutes of NOT TALKING TO ME or asking me questions or bothering me. Just hello and then silence for about 10 minutes. I go to the bathroom, wash my face, etc., and then do what I need to do. Then I'm ready to talk to him. I can't even tell you what a huge difference this made.

If I get this 10 minutes, I'm good for the rest of the time we're together in the house. If I do not get this 10 minutes, I'm soooo irritable and resentful. So now he knows to give me the 10 minutes - it works!

~CGH~

swtgila
05-29-2010, 10:25 AM
Oh those are great posts! I am going to start the 10 min. rule immediately CGH! I think that would help a lot. And Stuffed Bunny...you nailed it. Somedays he may have only gone out and worked a couple of hours. He has been home all day doing reports and stuff, but been home....checking email, surfing the net, watching tv, not even needing to unwind. When I get in after what may have been a 10 hr day...same thing. He wants to lounge on the couch and kick back and talk, etc...I just want to unwind and have some time to myself to rid myself of the workday crap. I wanna check email and stuff so if I get my laptop out, I feel guilty and I feel like he is hovering around waiting on time from me. I wanna say, "I know you've been on that computer all day and read fox news and aol headlines, now I wanna do the same." I remind him..."Remember when we were dating, how we didn't get together every night or even talk on the phone everynight b/c work just drained us some days...Well just b/c we live under the same roof doesn't mean that has changed...Some nights I still want me time.". He says he understands but I'm not sure he does. "sigh"

Raichu
05-29-2010, 10:37 AM
There are some great suggestions here! Can I just tell you that you are absolutely NOT alone? My Dutch ex is the perfect guy in every way - UNTIL WE HAVE TO SHARE A SPACE TOGETHER. Then I turn into a raging you know what! He's just innocently going about his day in my place while I'm glaring from the corner like I want to tear him apart and not in the good way! If we ever got together for the long haul we would need to establish some guidelines up-front. He's grown up with tons of brothers and I was an only child so he doesn't really get it... but I'm sure it's nothing a little work between the two of you can't fix :D After all, you made it this far! Good luck and honesty is key here!

Wannabeskinny
05-29-2010, 11:21 AM
Believe me I do understand. We didn't live together before we got married and once we did it was quite an adjustment for both of us. He wanted me to wake up with him every morning and help him make lunch etc at 6am. I was like WHAT? I usually dont work in the mornings and work late into the evenings. It took him a while to understand that I can't be awake every day at 6am to make him lunch. Turns out that his father always forced his mother to wake up before he did at 4am just so that he would have coffee ready for him in the morning. Sorry, my husband is a big boy, he can make his own coffee. So glad he finally saw logic and agrees with me.

Again I say, send him out for errands. Give him a list of things to do, guys love feeling useful. You have to assign them chores.

swtgila
05-30-2010, 12:52 PM
Thanks Raichu! I don't feel so mean now; or alone. :-) I can ralate to all you said. I agree with you Wannabe, my husband is a big boy. That part I do love about him...He is pretty self sufficient.

I am so thankful for all the advice here. And I know what you mean. Like now. He is just up walking around doing his business. Household things. I am sitting in the recliner typing and reading away, glaring at him from the corner..."Like go away and let me do what I have always done on SUnday mornings..." hahahaha I feel like I need to have a space to go do my thing. Anothe living space tho. Not the bedroom. Somewhere that I can go to read, relax, or do my thing w/o being annoyed by him doing his thing. LOL