100 lb. Club - Well, I am not that big....




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milliondollarbbw
05-25-2010, 10:51 PM
Ok, so since this forum is so great and open and honest and really helps me, I figured I would kind of ask a hard and difficult question. I posted this earlier, but don't know if it got automatically deleted, or if I messed up and didn't really finish the posting process (which seems way more likely),

I know that so many of us fight every day to have people realize that we are real, live, human being, and that we deserve to be treated as such. I am sure that most of us practice a lot of restraint when people give us unsolicited diet and weightloss advice---almost as if they expect us to be unhappy with our weight---a lot of us are, but there are also a lot of us out there who are not.

But despite our eagerness to fight for full acceptance, how many of us sometimes give into what society tells us about the obese?

I will be honest, there have been many times when I see a fellow morbidly obese woman walking down the street, and sometimes, if I think her walking looks like it is hard for her, I will feel bad for her. I may weigh less than her (which is often how I think, but in reality, I probably don't, and there is a good chance I weigh more), but I still know that walking long distances isn't as relaxed and easy as it is when I weigh under 300lbs. I feel bad for the women I see like that, especially more when they are having the same fashion problems I have, etc.

Something happened last weekend, and it made me do a lot of thinking about why I think that way. I was driving and saw a chunky (probably not morbidly obese, maybe only a tiny bit obese) woman eating food in her car. I often eat in my car, and I do feel self-conscious about it. But there is also a thrill of combining certain types of food and drink while driving...sort of like listening to your favorite cd in the car, but it not feeling the same listening to it on the stereo at home.

So, the young woman was eating something, and well, she carried a lot of weight in her face. Some people tend to carry more weight in their face than anywhere else, and they may be a lot lighter than me (she was probably 100lbs less than me), but just carry the weight differently. Something about seeing her eat made me feel....weird. Like, it seemed gluttonous. I didn't like the image. Sort of like seeing a very obese person compete in a food eating contest. It could be that I worry that I look the same way when I eat. (I have never done the eating food in the mirror thing---I honestly think it would gross me out). Where would I get that idea from? I mean, I understand maybe being a big snobbish and not liking someone eating fast food from a certain place, but why do I feel that if she were thinner, I wouldn't think twice about her eating?

I wonder how many of us, though we strive to be accepted, sometimes feel this way about our fellow overweight human. And I know it isn't right. I think it is something from society that we hear, and maybe internalize, and have to constantly make sure we don't give in to that way of thinking. I think be conscious that those kinds of thoughts pop in our heads may be a good way to recognize how we have let society affect us.

Ok, so has anyone else felt the same?


oneLess
05-25-2010, 11:36 PM
I will absolutely admit to feeling this way.
We went to IHOP the other night and there was a very heavy couple there with absurd amounts of food on their table. Now reality the woman may not be bigger than me. My husband said she was but who knows... anyway I thought the same as you. I felt a bit sick seeing them eat and I didn't eat as much and I felt so self conscious about what I was eating.
I don't know how to explain it... it made me sick to think I looked like that and I know I do but its hard to see cause there isn't a mirror for me to see myself eat like she was eating all the time.

milliondollarbbw
05-25-2010, 11:43 PM
I will absolutely admit to feeling this way.
We went to IHOP the other night and there was a very heavy couple there with absurd amounts of food on their table. Now reality the woman may not be bigger than me. My husband said she was but who knows... anyway I thought the same as you. I felt a bit sick seeing them eat and I didn't eat as much and I felt so self conscious about what I was eating.
I don't know how to explain it... it made me sick to think I looked like that and I know I do but its hard to see cause there isn't a mirror for me to see myself eat like she was eating all the time.

I don't like the gimmicks that people use about trying to lower their food intake (like eating in front of a mirror, eating while naked (hello, never ever cook naked....too much flesh, too many opportunities to spill soup. Not good), pouring salt or water or something on food so you won't overeat (a lot of celebrities have said that lately). Although I admit that if I did eat in front of the mirror, I probably would lose weight, but not in the healthiest way.


ParadiseFalls
05-25-2010, 11:46 PM
I think I know what you mean. And I'm probably, internally, guilty of all the things you're talking about but I feel almost justified in it because I'm fat, too. I don't like to admit it even to myself, but I do think less of obese people—especially myself—and I do think one way when I see an obese person doing something where I'd feel totally differently about a skinny person doing it. I acknowledge that it's a problem, but I actually think I'd feel a lot more sympathetic to obese people if I weren't so big.

On the one hand, I realize that a lot of it is society being conditioned to hate fat people. But I also think it's more of a...for lack of a better word...rational thing. Most people see fat people as weak, lazy and unhealthy...and I can't help thinking that we are weak and lazy. I avoid social situations because of how I look. I don't stand up for myself. I don't push myself to do some things because I think nothing matters except my weight. Doesn't that make me weak? I sit on the couch instead of working out. I eat packaged, unhealthy food instead of preparing something healthy. Doesn't that make me lazy? And there's no question I'm unhealthy.

So...I guess what it comes down to is that I think until we stop hating ourselves, no one else is going to stop.

I hope this post doesn't offend anyone.

donna110
05-25-2010, 11:48 PM
I am a nurse in an ICU. I dread the morbidly obese patient. He/She is hard to care for and everyone dreads it. It takes everything I have just to lift up the arm for the blood pressure cuff. Yeast gets in the folds if not kept totally dry. Hard to keep the legs apart if I have to clean a stool and takes extra people to turn to or bathe.

The scales says they weigh what I weigh, but somehow I feel better then them. I always feel ashamed when I think that. I feel even more ashamed knowing someone else would think that of me if I were laying in that bed.

ParadiseFalls
05-25-2010, 11:50 PM
And reading over your last post just solidified what a fat-hate problem I have—I think I'll probably eat breakfast in front of a mirror. I never thought of that, and it sounds just humiliating enough to make me watch what I eat. I'm ashamed that I feel this way, but... :shrug:

ParadiseFalls
05-25-2010, 11:52 PM
I am a nurse in an ICU. I dread the morbidly obese patient.

That's the biggest reason I fear getting hurt and having to go to the hospital. I'm not afraid of being hurt—I'm terrified that other people will have to take care of me. The thought is mortifying.

milliondollarbbw
05-26-2010, 12:14 AM
That's the biggest reason I fear getting hurt and having to go to the hospital. I'm not afraid of being hurt—I'm terrified that other people will have to take care of me. The thought is mortifying.

So true. Often, when I go to the doctor I feel like I am going to be healthier, but I still have to worry about if the doctor will listen, or just assume whatever is bothering me is due to weight. I come prepared, but still, it is like my concerns fall on deaf ears. You would think doctors would be above that kind of thing, but, well, they are still humans with their own beliefs---being a doctor doesn't necessarily change that.

Nikki6kidsmom
05-26-2010, 12:43 AM
So weird just today as I was climbing in to my Big SUV my eye was caught by the woman parked beside me . She was an overweight middle aged lady sitting there in the grocery store parking lot. My eyes met hers while she was mid bite eating out of a deli container of a large piece of birthday cake. I felt pity,sadness and shame. It was very much like I would imagine walking in on a drug addict trying to get a fix. I was dressed in my workout clothes and tennis shoes with my hair still damp from sweat. It was obvious I had been working out. I didn't look at her in disgust and I tried not to let my face show my pity. Not knowing what to do , I waved slightly and backed up to leave. I wanted to go help her and encourage her but that wasn't realistic. I pondered that lady the whole way home and how there was a time I was her.

caliyah
05-26-2010, 01:29 AM
wow this post is deep...okay so I guess when I see someone bigger than me I have different thoughts I guess. I often see people way bigger than me with tons of confidence, great friends, with the loves of their life and happy attitudes. And I wonder to myself I wish I had half the confidence they have because I've had low self esteem because of my weight. And at other times when I see them I feel like we are all in the same struggle you know - we are struggling in a society that makes it so easy to gain and so hard to lose and I realize that at one point I was there, I had given up before.

cfmama
05-26-2010, 02:14 AM
You know what I feel when i see morbidly obese people that weighed what I did? I feel sadness... because I KNOW how they feel ... how judged they feel... how OUT OF CONTROL they feel. I was them. I felt those things.

quince
05-26-2010, 02:56 AM
i admit i have had exactly the same or very similar thoughts many times, not so much ment for the person i am comparing myself to, as much it was meant for me and my fears: do i look this big to? do i walk as hard? etc.

the older and more aware of what morbid obesity is (or why is it like it is, what are the reasons behind it), the more i react much differently when i see an overweight person: i feel such compassion and sadness it really hurts. 'cause i know the pain of living that life and the pain that makes you eat as much.

as far as i'm concerned, all of us that weigh 200 + lbs are all the same and have exactly the same problem and the same struggle once we face it. i see no difference between me and my dear friend who is around 300 lbs, we have the same issues, the same problem when it comes to food, emotions, appearing in public etc. and we have to fight it with all we’ve got.

H8cake
05-26-2010, 03:59 AM
I saw a teenage girl walking one of the trails I jog regularly. She was very obese. I felt so sad for her. I wanted so badly to talk to her and let her know that I knew how she felt. I smiled, but she just looked away. I wanted to tell her to just keep at it and the weight would come off. I understood the pain in her face when she looked away.
I've felt the same thing when I've seen obese people eating huge portions of calorie dense foods in restaurants. I remember feeling trapped and not having a clue how to get out of the bad habits that were keeping me fat. It isn't something you can do for another person though. I had to figure it out for myself.

carol2208
05-26-2010, 06:06 AM
I agree, for me at least, as horrible as it is to say it out loud, there were two phases:

The first when I was morbidly obese. I was in denial so I would project on other people what I was feeling. I would be a bit disgusted if I saw someone morbidly obese eating lots of calorie dense foods, or if I saw one doing the same things I used to do, like eating in secrecy, binging, etc. I would feel disgusted and sorry for them.

The second, as an overweight person, what I feel when I see the same things is sadness. I feel sorry for the person, because I know how painful it can be to be like that. Which is a little selfish of me, given that my reality is not the only one in the world, and although is common that obese people are usually hurting, there are those who are truly happy with who they are, health issues aside.

yoyoma
05-26-2010, 07:07 AM
I saw a teenage girl walking one of the trails I jog regularly. She was very obese. I felt so sad for her. I wanted so badly to talk to her and let her know that I knew how she felt. I smiled, but she just looked away.

When I see someone heavy engaging in exercise in public (walking/jogging), I'd like to know the best way to send a positive message. I know that some of them have to sometimes put up with flak and I'd like to help offset it. But I know how easy it is to misinterpret a smile. I've given a thumbs up a few times as I've driven past someone. Is that over the top? I'm afraid even that gesture might be taken in the wrong way.

Hiya
05-26-2010, 07:13 AM
...and everytime I see an obese woman (sorry you guys on the board!), my absolutely first thought is that I've just run into one of us fat chicks somewhere on the downslope of our weight loss...and I have to resist the urge to go over and say, "I'm hiya---who're you, how're you doing?"

findingfawn
05-26-2010, 08:39 AM
This tread is very interesting to me.

I am guilty of many of these very same thoughts.

Unless I'm standing on the scale or looking in the mirror or at a picture of myself, I don't see myself as fat as I am. I see myself overweight.. but not super morbidly obese. I still see the me that weighed under 200 pounds, the me that I was when I got married, the me that I was before I had 3 babies in 4 years.

We go out places and I see other obese people, and I get thoughts in my head like "man (s)he is huge!" and "if I was that big...". I will make comments to my hubby that if I get that big please just shoot me. Then I get home and look in the mirror and see that I AM THAT BIG! My husband will insist that all those others are bigger than me, maybe they are, I just assume that maybe he is still really in love with me after all and is blinded by love, because I'm pretty sure many of the ones that I see as huge are no bigger than myself.

As far as seeing others in public and wanting to say something to them, we talk about this kind of thing alot too. Society has become very different than it used to be. Now if you say hi to someone they instantly think you are a freak.. and how many times have you been out and someone sneezed, you said bless you and they looked at you like "just who do you think you are?" There have been many times I have wanted to say something to someone.. be it about weight or what ever, and haven't because you never know how someone will react.

I really hope no one takes offense to this post.. sometimes it's hard to allow yourself to be brutally honest because you know it may hurt someone elses feelings.

synger
05-26-2010, 09:00 AM
I feel sometimes like there's a secret "fat club"... all the morbidly obese people I see are part of it, as am I. We tend to smile at each other, give each other those sad, "I understand" looks when we're struggling, and secretly compare ourselves to each other to see who's heaviest. I've actually heard myself say of a co-worker who is annoying in a stereotypical "fat woman" way -- "She gives fat women a bad name".

I also cringe every time I see fat people eating on television or in the movies. It's ALWAYS shown as gluttonous -- huge plates of food, quick eating, candy bars, corn dogs, fried chicken and fast food -- and often tied in with the "Ugly American" stereotype of Southern accent and cowboy hats and tourist mentality.

Watch your media more closely. I think you'll be amazed at how often fat people are shown eating gluttonously (and then there's no wonder why we're self-conscious about it), and how seldom they're shown just as people who happen to be fat.

We watched Jurassic Park... and the main bad guy is an obese man who had candy wrappers all over his very messy desk. It's just one example (the most recent one I can think of) of the media's blanket condemnation of the obese.

TXMary2
05-26-2010, 09:02 AM
For years when I see someone larger than me I use it to justify my own size...."at least I am not that big." Funny, I have only gotten bigger over the years, but I think I judge myself more harshly than I judge others. Seeing big people at restaurants and grocery stores always makes me more aware of how I am probably perceived.

Eliana
05-26-2010, 09:25 AM
The whole watching fat people eat thing got me thinking. You guys are right...we see images of fat people eating huge plates of food, usually slouched over, taking huge bites of food and always with the camera in their face.

Now really...who looks good eating like that? I would be equally disgusted watching a thin person eat that way, and thin people DO eat that way. I think of myself on Biggest Loser and what they would do with me in those beginning shots because I have never stuffed half a burrito in my face. I would never take a heaping spoonful of mashed potatoes. I have always been a dainty eater.

As far as how I view other people who are fat now...things are shifting. I used to be part of that "club" mentioned earlier. I could give a smile to a fellow exerciser or a fellow obese person at the store. Now, not so much. I still give the friendly smile, because that's me, but I notice I no longer get the same smile back in return. I usually get eyes that look me up and down and then a slight scowl.

time2lose
05-26-2010, 10:23 AM
Generally, I get sad when I see someone that I can tell is struggling. I also remind myself that people probably still feel towards me like they do towards the obese people I see. I am still obese but not morbidly obese. Someone that sees me in the store doesn't know how hard I have worked or how much weight I have lost. I often wonder if the people I see are working on it or have posted here. However, it has been a long time since anyone saw me sitting in a car eating cake.

When exercising at the county's recreation center, I get the "Good for you" comments a good deal. Sometimes I want to answer that I have lost over 90 pounds and have been exercising a long time now. :)

Another question about this.... What if that obese person is not a stranger in a store or a parking lot but your loved one? I have a son that I am very worried about. I never say anything to him about his weight or what he is eating. Or I guess I should change that to rarely say anything. I don't think being the food police helps anything. I did say something about a month ago. We were traveling and stopped at an IHOP for breakfast. I had an omlet from their "healthy" section and only ate half of it. He ate a huge breakfast and then ate a couple of things from other people's plates that they didn't want. I knew how many calories he was eating because I had looked up the nutritional info earlier. Then we stopped for lunch at Subway and he had a foot long sandwich, chips and a cookie. Later that day he asked me how many calories I had had that day and commented he wanted to lose weight. I told him how many I had had and also told him that I had seen him eat 6000 to 7000 calories so far that day. I told him that he had gained at least a pound that day. IN ONE DAY. I told him nicely, as softly as I could. I was just so worried. No wonder he is gaining weight quickly.

Was I wrong to say something? Should I say something when I see him consume enormous amounts of calories?

PS - This is my adult son - 28 years old. I would definitely have to do something if he were a child.

Trazey34
05-26-2010, 10:29 AM
I must be the most un-evolved person ever LOL I just don't care!

If someone asked my help, I would in a heartbeat, but I don't offer unsolicited pity (even in my mind) for ANYONE, because at my heaviest I didn't NEED PITY from anyone - i had a life, I had a fat life, but it was mine and I was OK. I never assume someone is miserable and less than I am just because they're fat.

Sometimes the SEAMSTRESS in me is annoyed when I see people (heavy or thin) squeezed into too tight clothing, because I know they'd look 100% better if it FIT them lol.

astrophe
05-26-2010, 10:34 AM
Unless I'm standing on the scale or looking in the mirror or at a picture of myself, I don't see myself as fat as I am. I see myself overweight.. but not super morbidly obese.

This is me. Unless I see a picture of me, I just don't see my fatness to the degree that it is. I know I'm working on it, and I can see numbers on the scale but it means nothing to me emotionally. Pictures are where it gets me.

I myself am a "mind your own business" kind of person when it comes to looks. If people look average dressed, they don't even hit my radar. You know -- neat, clean, but not esp. outstanding. Weight or size doesn't much matter to me. I just think "Oh, here's a person." and move on.

When they catch my eye it's at the extremes.

a) They are dressed esp. terrible! Thin or fat. I don't feel its attractive. And it makes me think -- "Ugh. That's not flattering..." And if the person is also large I think... "Oh, dear. That's playing into fat slob stereotype. C'mon! You can do better!"

b) They are dressed esp. awesome. I try to figure it out -- what is it about the outfit that flatters? Because I want to look that good even when I'm "in progress." And if the person is also large I think "Way to go! That person rocks it! Where does she shop!?"

I don't pay attention to how/what people order in restaurants. I am too busy dealing with my own family and enjoying our meal.

I don't participate in a lot of media -- TV, magazines, etc. So no comments there.

I don't really think about obese people in other terms unless they are in a scooter thing. Then my only thought is "how sad... I hope they are working on improving mobility... be terrible to lose it entirely. But good for them for getting out!"

So much for strangers.

Because I'm a "mind your own business" type I don't even know how to approach a sensitive topic like this with people I know.

I have 2 plus size friends who are opposites. One dresses to "hide" in baggy clothes and one dresses to "display" in too tight/too small type clothes. Neither are flattering. They'd both benefit from figuring out what is "fits me just right" for the place they are at.

Maybe it is weenie of me... but I just say nothing even though they are obviously in ill-fitting clothes and just hope for the best as they each work on their respective self-esteem issues.
A.

Michelle98272
05-26-2010, 11:01 AM
I posted something pretty similar to this a while ago. I do this all the time and feel pretty bad about it. I was 275 lbs at my highest weight yet find myself judging and looking down on other obese women.

I believe that it is self hatred. I see others that I subconsciously relate to and then project my dislike of being fat onto them. I think this is a human phenomenon, not that EVERYONE does it but it is far easier to hate the flaw in others that we most identify with rather than hate that flaw in ourselves. It removes the burden of doing something about it in ourselves. If I see a fat girl and think, "God, her back fat is really gross"-I am likely focusing on something I hate about myself (My back boobs). I don't have to do anything about her back fat but if I was thinking "My back fat looks like that. I hate my back fat" then I'd better get busy fixing it (I am actually).

I work really hard daily on not judging others. It is a work in progress. Someone posted an answer on my post months ago that they naturally assume others are thinking good things about them and then find themselves thinking good things about others. I try to do that.

Once a few years ago my son was in the hospital. I came out of the hospital in the evening after spending the day with my son. I found another car had literally boxed me in. They were parked maybe 10 inches from my drivers side door. I was SO angry after the day I had with my very sick son. What kind of jerk does that?? Then I realized a full 80% of the kids in that hospital (Seattle Children's) were there being treated for cancer, many many of them terminal. I immediately switched my anger to understanding and compassion once I shifted my mindset. The car didn't represent some a** that was infringing upon my personal space but a fellow parent with a very sick child, maybe they had gotten horrible news and were in a huge hurry to see their child one last time. I didn't mind then that that person parked me in. I just went around to the other door and climbed over the console.

I think it is all about how we look at the world. We are in charge of our minds and thought processes. If I find myself thinking something really snarky about another fat person, I try to remember the car in the parking lot and try to think of them with kindness. :hug:

paris81
05-26-2010, 11:03 AM
...and everytime I see an obese woman (sorry you guys on the board!), my absolutely first thought is that I've just run into one of us fat chicks somewhere on the downslope of our weight loss...and I have to resist the urge to go over and say, "I'm hiya---who're you, how're you doing?"

I totally think this too! Then I remember that if I did say something, I could be really putting my foot in my mouth.

This is a really interesting and thought provoking post, and I'm both saddened and relieved that so many people agree with the OP, because I do the same thing. (Saddened because it's sad, relieved because if other people do it, I feel less guilty!)

I do hate it when they show people stuffing their faces, and I wonder about those clips on Biggest Loser. I mean, obviously, those were filmed after the contestant was accepted on to the show and after they've decided to become healthy--which makes me wonder if those food stuffying shots are staged. I mean, how often to you film yourself stuffing your face?

And in general in movies when they show obese people eating tons of food in such a sloppy way--I've never seen that in real life--because a lot of overweight people (myself included) hide that kind of excessive, out of control eating. It's not a social, public activity.

When I see people that are really overweight, I do feel a sense of connection with them, but I also feel a desperate need to distance myself from them--like "I'm eating healthy, I'm losing weight, I'm not like you" And then I feel horribily guilty and wonder if people think that about me. Because they don't know that I'm working on myself.

I guess we've really internatized fat hatred. It's so sad, I wonder how we can get over it. Or if we can even get over it.

Nada
05-26-2010, 11:05 AM
I feel pity when I see someone extremely large, mainly because of the loss of mobility, but I do wonder if I inspire pity in the gym or yoga class. They have no idea what I didn't used to be able to do that I can now.

kaplods
05-26-2010, 11:43 AM
I must be the most un-evolved person ever LOL I just don't care!

If someone asked my help, I would in a heartbeat, but I don't offer unsolicited pity (even in my mind) for ANYONE, because at my heaviest I didn't NEED PITY from anyone - i had a life, I had a fat life, but it was mine and I was OK. I never assume someone is miserable and less than I am just because they're fat.


I'm right there with you, but I think it's evolution, not de-evolution. At least for me it's been an evolving process. The more I learned about people, the more compassion I had for others, the more I learned that you (and I mean you generically, it's something I learned to tell myself) you can judge people, in fact you will sometimes judge people whether you want to or not - but you will often be wrong. Pity is generally a useless emotion, because it judges but rarely helps. I remember being told over and over (in classes and jobs) that you can't help someone if you pity them, because pity is disrespectful.

I have a masters and bachelors degree in psych. For most of my life, I've worked 60 hours or more a week (or work/school combo) in social service and law enforcement (as a juvenile detention worker and as a probation officer - both jobs had a heavy social service component).

I've worked with people with developmental and physical handicaps, emotional problems, mental illness, substance abuse and addictions, social anxiety disorders, adult and child victims of all manners of abuse, chronic and terminal illness, eating disorders, compulsive and obsessive/compulsive behavior, impulsive behavior problems, lifeskill and social problems.....

The experience has taught me that the most attractive, successful-seeming person might be more screwed up than the most pitiful looking. As a probation officer, I've seen people with "everything going for them" (beautiful and successful, doctors, dentists, even lawyers) whose personal lives were a complete mess.

I've also met people with every disadvantage in the world, who are happy and living life to its full potential.

As a fat person, I face challenges. Everyone does, and challenges do not make you pitiable, they make you human. Fat isn't even my all-time greatest challenge, so I don't always assume that it's someone elses. They may be dealing with something a whole lot worse than their weight (and I'm not saying that weight isn't important, I'm just saying there are things that can be a whole lot worse).

Of all the things I've seen people have to live and deal with, I'll take my gross morbid obesity over a good many of them. I've worked with slim, gorgeous, intelligent people who I wouldn't trade lives with for every dollar in the world. I'd rather weigh 500 lbs, than live the lives of some of the people I've met, people who on the surface seem to have everything.

Surfaces are decieving. Of course it's easy to judge by the surface, because the surface is all we see unless we get to know the person better (even then, a remarkable amount of information stays hidden). But once you know what the surface can hide, it's a whole lot more difficult to pity people with "messed up" surfaces - because what can lie under the surface can be so much messier.

PeanutsMom704
05-26-2010, 11:55 AM
I've posted a few times about the fact that I live in Denver, and overweight and obese people are rarer in Colorado than in many other parts of the country. So I definitely do NOTICE heavier people because they (ok, we!) stick out more. I am conscious when someone else is bigger than me, I think I have a sense of relief actually, it's not just me.

I find myself being a little bit judgmental when I see people making bad choices - like the supermarket cart thread - I look and I can find myself feeling a bit smug if I see someone heavy with a cart full of junk. But I also want to cheer when I see someone big exercising (I don't actually cheer, but I do give a you go girl! in my head).

One of my own little quirks is that I would avoid dating heavy men, and a lot of that came down to not wanting to be one of those couples. I feel like I get enough negative attention on my own for my size, and I was always uncomfortable if I was with someone else big.

I am pretty clueless on how I look in comparison to others these days. I am top heavy which includes my face, so I still look really fat in photos. But I was brave enough to have my son take a couple of photos of me in a bathing suit recently and I didn't think my body looked as bad as I picture it in my head. I actually even sorta kinda thought my legs looked good.

milliondollarbbw
05-26-2010, 11:58 AM
This tread is very interesting to me.

I am guilty of many of these very same thoughts.

Unless I'm standing on the scale or looking in the mirror or at a picture of myself, I don't see myself as fat as I am. I see myself overweight.. but not super morbidly obese. I still see the me that weighed under 200 pounds, the me that I was when I got married, the me that I was before I had 3 babies in 4 years.

As far as seeing others in public and wanting to say something to them, we talk about this kind of thing alot too. Society has become very different than it used to be. Now if you say hi to someone they instantly think you are a freak.. and how many times have you been out and someone sneezed, you said bless you and they looked at you like "just who do you think you are?" There have been many times I have wanted to say something to someone.. be it about weight or what ever, and haven't because you never know how someone will react.

I really hope no one takes offense to this post.. sometimes it's hard to allow yourself to be brutally honest because you know it may hurt someone elses feelings.


I totally feel the same way! I mean, I do feel obese, no doubt about that, but when I look at my face in the mirror, I really like it. But then, someone will take an unflattering pic, and I am faced with just how matronly I look. Just how much older and sedentary I look. Nothing wrong with looking matronly, if I were a matron!

Also, it is true about talking to people in public. Sometimes I am just lonely, and a very cheerful conversation can look odd to a lot of people. Even though you are just being friendly. :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by time2lose
Was I wrong to say something? Should I say something when I see him consume enormous amounts of calories?

PS - This is my adult son - 28 years old. I would definitely have to do something if he were a child.

Well, I wouldn't break it down how many calories you saw him eating, because he might then feel self-conscious. But, I feel if you approach it more like "when I was heavy I had these problems. I don't want to see you go down that same road. I love you. Lets do this together, and do it with good and tasty food way better than any restaurant."

The kindest advice I have received was from someone older who simply said they don't want to see me go through the health problems they have because of their weight (even thought I really don't think they are obese, but they do, sigh.).

I do think it comes down to self-hatred. The girl in the car eating is really, well, me. I eat all of the time in the car, and usually am in a binge mode or fast food eating mode.

WarMaiden
05-26-2010, 12:29 PM
Later that day he asked me how many calories I had had that day and commented he wanted to lose weight. I told him how many I had had and also told him that I had seen him eat 6000 to 7000 calories so far that day. I told him that he had gained at least a pound that day. IN ONE DAY. I told him nicely, as softly as I could. I was just so worried. No wonder he is gaining weight quickly.

Was I wrong to say something? Should I say something when I see him consume enormous amounts of calories?

PS - This is my adult son - 28 years old. I would definitely have to do something if he were a child.

It sounds to me like you did fine in your response to him. Answering the direct comment, then adding a little extra fact--that is fine, so long as you don't push on. Just drop the information and move on. Hopefully this will be working in his head, and you've definitely equipped him with a little piece of the "how to lose weight" puzzle.

The most important thing is to remain open to the conversation with him--be a resource to him when HE seeks out information. Don't push it or press it or attempt to "educate" him when he's not asking for it.

When I quit sugar 2 years ago, I didn't tell my husband I was doing it. But after a few weeks in, he could see things were changing, and I fairly casually suggested to him: "You know, if you quit sugar, I bet you could lose weight quickly and easily. What if you just tried it out for a month, see what happens? You can always go back to drinking Coke later, if you want." It took about a month for him to be ready to give it a try, but then he did...

And of course, 2 years later, he's as off the sugar as I am, and he's also lost about 85 pounds. I've incrementally changed a lot of other things in my diet, and his, and the kids', often through just suggesting. For example, he complained about not being able to complete his workouts easily recently, and I suggested that he think about increasing his protein intake. He took my suggestion, his workouts got easier, he's dropped a little more weight.

Baby steps. You'll get there :) Your son is fortunate that you are so concerned and loving, but don't feel like it all has to get done RIGHT NOW. If it takes 10 years for him to figure it out, that is OK--he's still relatively young.

time2lose
05-26-2010, 12:40 PM
PeanutsMom704 originally posted I've posted a few times about the fact that I live in Denver, and overweight and obese people are rarer in Colorado than in many other parts of the country. So I definitely do NOTICE heavier people because they (ok, we!) stick out more.

I think you have a valid point. I'm in the opposite situation. I live in South Carolina and we have one of the highest rates of obesity. I am still very fat but I don't stick out like I used to. I think about half of the people in my department are morbidly obese. It is culturally more acceptable here than in other states..... all this "good" southern cooking. Anyway, I felt really bad when I was so fat that I was noticeable in one of the fattest states in the nation. :(

possiblesuccess
05-26-2010, 02:14 PM
I also find myself thinking negatively about someone who is obese. I work in fast food, so for one, some people will give me that look like "no wonder you are so fat." And then, when an obese person is ordering fried foods, with extra ranch and cheese and all sorts of other things, I find myself wanting to say "do you know how many calories are in that?" But I can't say that, for one because I would get in trouble with my boss for those kinds of comments, but I also feel as though I have no right to say that, or even think it because, if I am being honest, I have eaten that same way for most of my life.

I always watch infomercials, just because I like to see the stupid things people do to "lose weight." The stupid things that people claim will "burn the fat faster than anything you have tried before." I just cracks my up. Anyway, there was this woman on this informercial talking about being "that mom" who would sit and watch her kids playing on the playground, not being active with her kids. I never thought badly of the moms who said stuff like that, I just felt bad for her, and her kids. And then, a couple weeks ago, I realized that my mom is that mom. We went to the park with my 5 year old sister, and my mom made her way over to a bench to watch, while I was pushing my sister on a swing, and teaching her to swing by herself. It broke my heart, because I know how much my mom is hurting. She is going thorugh a seperation/divorce and weight loss at the same time. While I realize that many people go through this, it made it harder to see it because it is my mom.

I don't think that any of this thoughts/feelings come from fat-hate. I think it comes from the pain we feel going through the process to lose the weight. I think that some of that pain comes from the societal stigma of weight loss. Sometimes I feel like the odds are stacked against me, and it seems like there is something/someone trying to derail me. Beating the obstacles makes me want to work that much harder though. But for alot of people, those odds may seem to daunting, so they just never try. Some one earlier said that we have to stop hating ourselves before anyone else will stop the hate. I think that to an extent, this is true. There will always be those people who will have a negative view of obese people.

I'm not really sure where I am going with any of this. Its just kind of popping into my head, so I write it down. I'm not sure if any of this will make sense to anyone else.

WarMaiden
05-26-2010, 02:22 PM
My primary thought, when I see someone who is very obese who is having a hard time moving or looks miserable or is buying a bunch of crap or eating a bunch of crap, is: "Man, look what our dysfunctional food culture is doing to that person. I really hate the way we collectively live. If only we could wake up, together, and quit the toxins that we're shoving into our bodies."

I wasn't that miserable when I was morbidly obese, though. Mostly, at that point, I was miserable not due to being fat but due to the control my addiction to sugar had over my life.

PaulaM
05-26-2010, 06:44 PM
When I first started getting heavy, about 20 years ago, I felt like I stuck out everywhere I went. As each year goes by though, there are so many more overweight people that now I feel almost "normal". It really hurts my heart to see how many young people and even small kids who are now so fat, cause we all know what they are facing as far as other kids saying things.

I'm one of those secretive eaters, I would never order a giant dessert out in a restaurant for example. Which was the first clue to myself that I have an addiction, the secret eating at home tells all. If you are eating in the car or hiding food wrappers at home that's a real wake up call.

Truffle
05-27-2010, 10:42 AM
I am a nurse in an ICU. I dread the morbidly obese patient. He/She is hard to care for and everyone dreads it. It takes everything I have just to lift up the arm for the blood pressure cuff. Yeast gets in the folds if not kept totally dry. Hard to keep the legs apart if I have to clean a stool and takes extra people to turn to or bathe.

This is a major fear that I have too. I keep thinking, what if I fell? It would take more than one person to help me up.

If I ever had to go to the hospital, would the doctors and nurses be too grossed out to take care of me? :(

I'm actually going to keep a copy of what you said, and use it as additional "motivation" for myself.

ariana419
05-27-2010, 11:14 AM
As a waitress when a bigger customer ordering something horrible I want to tell tell them" please dont order that it will only hurt you plaese try this awesome chicken and our great veggies" but I still have to bring them that pound of fries with 1/2 pound of cheese and bacon and bring them that extra 1/2 cup of ranch when they eat the first. My feelings alternate between sadness and feeling sorry for them and judgement and sometimes anger over their stupidity. Cant even blame it on ignorance because even if you dont know that it is 2500 calories before ranch, they know its horrible for them .Then I fell guilty for being judgmental. uuugghhh

Cita
05-27-2010, 11:19 AM
This morning my husband and I were running late so we stopped at a drive-thru for breakfast. We saw an obese child exit the restaurant and follow his obese parents to their car.

I said: "That poor boy. Why are his parents feeding him junk for breakfast?"
Hubby said: "Someone could look at us and say the same thing."
I said: "Yeah, but we're only ordering sliced apples and water."
Hubby said: "Maybe he only ordered apples, too."

So, yeah. Apparently I am judgemental, I just didn't realize it. :(

Also, lately, when I meet someone new I almost want to tell them, "I'm not going to be fat forever! I'm already less fat that I was before!" It's irrational, because obviously I'm still very overweight. I'm just so desperate for them to see just me and not the fat. But I know from my own experience, that just isn't possible.

Breannaj1215
05-27-2010, 02:48 PM
I feel the same way all of you ladies do. It kind of makes you think now, do people think of me that way?

Breannaj1215
05-27-2010, 03:12 PM
I cannot believe i never thought about this until now. This is going to be my motivation. Thanks girls

Thighs Be Gone
05-27-2010, 03:23 PM
Wow. I just have to say--great post.

fillupthesky
05-27-2010, 04:19 PM
fantastic thread...so much to think about.
i think i'm morbidly obese, according to the textbooks, but i've never really felt it. yes, i know i'm fat. obese? something else to swallow. maybe its because i carry my weight differently, or because my friends never made me feel different, but i am.
what solidified this for me was looking at some recent pics of myself. i know what i look like, but some of these pictures were horrendous. i'm twice the size of my boyfriend. i'm big. arg it was miserable. forget carrying weight differently than most, i still don't look all that good.
i think when i see other obese/overweight people eating or walking on the street i tend to think to myself- i am that person. and then i hate myself for it.
but also, we're too quick to judge. we shouldn't assume that everyone who is obese WANTS to lose weight. some people are comfortable in their own skin, want to eat how they want, and thats just it for them. i envy that kind of confidence.
also, i think there are evolved people who want to lose weight, and un-evolved people. this is hard for me to explain, but not everyone who beings this journey truly looks inside themselves and asks themselves why they're doing it, acknowledges the challenges and struggles in a self-reflective way, etc...does that make sense? can any of you explain this better than me??? lol

Elladorine
05-27-2010, 05:28 PM
I may be getting slightly off-topic here, but this has made me think of a conversation I recently had with someone that has never had to deal with being overweight:

One of my friends (an online one I've never met in person) is currently studying to be a doctor and prides himself on his weight and overall health (although he's always talking about how he likes to order extra bacon & ranch when he eats out and brags that he never has to exercise). He knows of my struggles to lose weight and has been overall supportive, but even with him in medical school he seems to hold onto the stereotypes of what it is to be big. . . possibly because it's something he's never had to deal with himself? And it's not even something I gave much thought to until yesterday morning when he remarked on how he couldn't believe there were so many "lazy, gluttonous fat@$$es" in England (he's from an asian country where virtually everyone is skinny). Which made me wonder what he thought of me? I pointed out that many people that overweight are so because of the types of processed foods that are becoming more and more common in countries such as England and here in the US. I asked him how different the average diet was back in his home country and he admitted that people bought totally different things and that not much junk was even available there. And with him bragging about the way he eats and the way he doesn't exercise, he must have luckier genes than the people he was name-calling that just might be struggling with their weight more than he'll ever have to.

That coupled with other things he said was just appalling. I had mentioned how DB and I had hot dogs the night before and he immediately asked how many I'd have in one setting. I told him that, as usual, I had two. I didn't mention they were low fat, low calorie, and that they were on whole wheat buns which were all on-plan with the rest of my day, but he thought that two at once sounded like a bit much for a "lady" to eat. But I ignored that and added that DB ate the rest of the hot dogs in the package. :p

What kind of image does that bring? Someone that eats 6 hot dogs in one setting must be a gluttonous pig, right? Well without being so harsh (and without any additional information outside of the hot dogs), my friend remarked right away that DB obviously must be much bigger than I am. But actually, I weigh more than he does, despite the fact that he literally eats 2-3 times more than I do on a regular basis (even back when I wasn't dieting he'd eat that much more than me) and that he gets no more exercise than I do. And on top of that, he carries his weight much better than I do (his clothes are much smaller than mine even though we're the same height and I only weight 15 pounds more than him). The average person who looks at us would automatically assume that I'm the bigger eater or "greedier" person, obviously the "lazier" of the two, and would be much more harsh to judge me if we were both, say, eating in a car or out in a restaurant where everyone could see us. It's kinda scary how engrained it is within almost everyone to judge in this way just by looks and how hypocritical any of us can end up being.

And I know I'm just as guilty. I try not to think this way but thought of something when I saw the thread about looking at other people's grocery carts. Just last night I went to the grocery store and noted a larger couple totally skipping past the produce aisle as they walked inside. I later saw them checking out with nothing but junk in their cart while I was carrying a basket full of broccoli, salad greens, and dark chocolate-covered almonds (my current occasional treat) which was just a quick trip to pick up stuff I'd ran out of for the week. I really don't know what to think. I've been there, and often still struggle. But somehow I'm currently able to handle the grocery stores alright and keep healthy food stocked at home (my main problem is restaurant eating these days). I often wonder what people think when they see someone my size carting around a bunch of fruit and veggies, slightly paranoid that they'll think I'm trying in vain to lose weight (in the same way someone might look at a heavy jogger and roll their eyes). I'm not sure why it matters to me what other people think. Sometimes I wish I could have my before and after photos printed on a shirt so everyone can see that I've already lost a lot of weight and not judge me harshly for being the size I currently am.

OrganizedChaos
06-02-2010, 02:00 PM
Sometimes I wish I could have my before and after photos printed on a shirt so everyone can see that I've already lost a lot of weight and not judge me harshly for being the size I currently am.

This statement really caught my attention because I have been doing my walk/run intervals at a local park and there are a lot of thin, in shape people there, and I always feel like they are looking at me and judging me. I was thinking the other day, I wish I could wear a shirt that says I've lost XX pounds for whatever my weight loss was at that time. That way they would know I am serious. In the past I would have never done any running in front of others, I realize despite what "I think" they are thinking about me, they probably don't give it a second thought.

gloo
06-03-2010, 12:26 AM
This is a really, really interesting thread with very thoughtful and wise responses. Love it.

Reading made me more aware of what I think people are thinking about ME when they see me. (I'm selfish like that.)

For instance, one of my best friends is a dude who is quite a bit younger than I am -- he's 28, I'm 42. We work together, and we're sort of inseparable.

Him: on the short side, quite slender, and freakin beautiful. I tend not to think of him like that, because we're totally in the friendship zone, but when I pull back and look at him objectively (or when I see women checking him out which is like...always), I can't deny his hotness.

Me: Well, my stats are over there <---. I'm obviously a big girl, but I take pride in my appearance, dress as smartly as I can at this weight, love hair and makeup, am outgoing and fun, and so on.

People who don't know us tend to assume we're together in the biblical sense which we're so not. I've actually seen women mouth the words "what's he doing with HER?". I've heard whispers from men who debate my...how do I say it? Sexual prowess. Oviously we're only hanging out because I'm keeping him satisfied, right? Uhm, ouch.

We go out to lunch quite a bit, and this man can eat. Seriously. He can eat more than I could ever eat even at my fattest. Since I'm striving to stay on plan, I do a lot of no bread, sauce on the side kind of stuff when I order. He, on the other hand, has actually uttered the words "double meat, double cheese" to a server once in my presence (my arteries hardened just typing that). When the food was delivered by someone who didn't take our order, she automatically assumed that the heart attack on a plate was for me. Yeah, lady...no. Not for me. It's for my hot, skinny friend over there.

I had a point somewhere in all this.

I guess I try not to judge or assume too much, since I realize others judge me every single day I walk down the street with my friend. They assume I'm the unhealthy one, I'm the big eater, I'm the double meat double cheese chick. It sucks.

So while I have my moments of b*tchiness and/or snark (usually reserved for someone wearing a horrid, unflattering outfit -- and I'm an equal opportunity snarker...fat, skinny, no difference to me -- I try to be empathetic because I know the feeling that look can give a person. It can be truly soul crushing.

Zoesmama
06-03-2010, 01:33 AM
I can relate. I saw a woman walking down the street and it seemed like she was twisting back and forth with each step it was sad. I know I probably weigh the same or close to it. The weight I have is more proportioned than hers was though and I feel like I walk normal but how would I know.

I've always felt a little weird about eating in front of others. I know there are times I have fallen to a sort of binge eating when everyone else(family) was gone or sleeping. :(

LaurieDawn
06-03-2010, 02:18 AM
I actually find myself judging skinny people in this way. I have a friend who is a size 2, and she eats Oreo pop tarts for breakfast, mac and cheese for lunch, doesn't ever work out, etc. She doesn't eat a tremendous amount, but she doesn't ever go more than a few hours without eating junk, and I've only ever seen her eat junk (and I've seen her eat a lot of meals).

I really don't expend a lot of mental energy on it. I certainly don't wish a weight problem on her. But a part of me resents that she doesn't have to invest the time and energy that I do to try and deal with the weight issue, and resents the competitive edge she will have when we graduate from law school because she does not have a weight problem.

But I don't tell fat jokes, and I don't analyze other obese people's observable eating or exercise habits. Almost everyone who is successful at weight control has moments when they eat calorie-dense foods. I also don't tell "women are catty" jokes or listen to stupid people's fears about women in power who might be too emotional during "that time of the month" to be trusted. I feel a solidarity with both fat people and women because I am one of them, and most of my family members are fat as well. I know fat people, and I know what they are capable of doing. I have seen my sister eat far too much, and have talked to her about how crazy that habit is. But I also know that if I want something done well, she has the drive, ambition, and intelligence to get it done quickly and well. Do I pity her? I wouldn't dare! She's an amazing woman. Most of us fat people are. If I didn't know that before I came to this forum, there's no way I could have missed it after reading the caring, supportive, highly-knowledgeable posts here.

Quillie
06-03-2010, 04:37 AM
I don't relate to this at all! I miss being able to easily approach fat people. Even in my love life I prefer people with extra pounds, always have, and I didn't become overweight until I was 18 myself.

I do worry when I see someone I love eat a lot of junk food, fat or thin, it makes me want to yell about salt and satured fat, but I expect this too will pass.

If I see a stranger eat a donut in their car, I probably only think that that does look very yummy. :D Then again junk food was never my issue, it was cheer quantity that made me fat.

pink dress
06-03-2010, 06:13 AM
i know it is wrong, but i tend to judge overweight people as lazy, it just the first thing that cross my mind, like a first impression.
and sadly, i am obese too myself, and i know that other people look of me just the same way that i do at an overweight person, maybe not after i know him/her, but at first, yes.

last semester i work part time as a cashier in a store in my university. and you know what? overweight persons do have different shopping habit than normal person do. they bought lots of junk and sugary food, much more than normal person do. sometime the amount was well, grossly too much. and i know that i did the same, and that was when i stop kidding myself that i have big frame/bones whatever. i am this way because of my eating habit.

and sometime, i caught myself eating grossly too much and disgustingly with no manners whasoever, when i am alone. always, my binge happens when i am alone by myself. strangely, if i am with a friend, i am not that hungry.

and the last thing, i kinda observe that all my overweight friend have the same eating habit as i do. it may seem obvious, but did much impact on me when i think about it. well, yes, it is gross. and yes, we all are some handful of lazy person who eat too much.

okay, i am too forward am i? i am sorry if i overstep some lines up there. it just how i feel. but usually when i know that someone is overweight and currently is trying to do something about it, i turn to respect him/her. because i know how hard it is, and how frustrating it can be, and because i am now in the same position, i respect myself too. actually, i respect myself too much now to care about what those judging skinny person think. hey, they do NOT know how hard is this. and if they were in our shoes, i don't think they can be this strong.

synger
06-03-2010, 07:43 AM
I can relate. I saw a woman walking down the street and it seemed like she was twisting back and forth with each step it was sad. I know I probably weigh the same or close to it. The weight I have is more proportioned than hers was though and I feel like I walk normal but how would I know.



I am SO hyper-aware of how I walk. I really dread The Fat Lady Waddle (which you describe so well above). I know from experience that it can mean that you have foot or leg pain, or that you're just uncomfortable at your weight. But I find myself consciously trying to make myself walk straighter, rather than swaying side to side, and keeping my arms to my side rather than flailing about to counterbalance my heft.

milliondollarbbw
06-03-2010, 10:31 PM
i know it is wrong, but i tend to judge overweight people as lazy, it just the first thing that cross my mind, like a first impression.
and sadly, i am obese too myself, and i know that other people look of me just the same way that i do at an overweight person, maybe not after i know him/her, but at first, yes.

last semester i work part time as a cashier in a store in my university. and you know what? overweight persons do have different shopping habit than normal person do. they bought lots of junk and sugary food, much more than normal person do. sometime the amount was well, grossly too much. and i know that i did the same, and that was when i stop kidding myself that i have big frame/bones whatever. i am this way because of my eating habit.

and sometime, i caught myself eating grossly too much and disgustingly with no manners whasoever, when i am alone. always, my binge happens when i am alone by myself. strangely, if i am with a friend, i am not that hungry.

and the last thing, i kinda observe that all my overweight friend have the same eating habit as i do. it may seem obvious, but did much impact on me when i think about it. well, yes, it is gross. and yes, we all are some handful of lazy person who eat too much.

okay, i am too forward am i? i am sorry if i overstep some lines up there. it just how i feel. but usually when i know that someone is overweight and currently is trying to do something about it, i turn to respect him/her. because i know how hard it is, and how frustrating it can be, and because i am now in the same position, i respect myself too. actually, i respect myself too much now to care about what those judging skinny person think. hey, they do NOT know how hard is this. and if they were in our shoes, i don't think they can be this strong.

the only thing I could say is that if you are in an area where obesity is very rare, it can be easy to fall into the stereotypes we hear and see about obesity.

I have obese friends who do not eat as much as I do. most of them really aren't eating enough or often enough, like maybe once a day, and so their metabolism has slowed down. Some of them have other health issues that affect how their metabolism works.

So, no, not all obese people load up on junk food.

pink dress
06-03-2010, 11:52 PM
the only thing I could say is that if you are in an area where obesity is very rare, it can be easy to fall into the stereotypes we hear and see about obesity.

I have obese friends who do not eat as much as I do. most of them really aren't eating enough or often enough, like maybe once a day, and so their metabolism has slowed down. Some of them have other health issues that affect how their metabolism works.

So, no, not all obese people load up on junk food.
i am very sorry..i know that now.

i am a jerk.

milliondollarbbw
06-04-2010, 12:40 AM
i am very sorry..i know that now.

i am a jerk.

You are not a jerk. :)

I do think that it would be very, very hard living in an area where there is a low rate of obesity, and feeling as if you are obese. Here, in the U.S., we have a high percentage of obesity, but still, the media, tv, ads, movies, all show that thinner is preferred, more likely to earn more money, be more attractive, etc. So, it must be even more difficult in areas where there isn't such a high level of obesity.

I really appreciate your honesty. Don't feel bad about how you feel---just maybe sometimes wonder who taught you to think that way. Sometimes, outside influences teach us to view things in a certain way.

Even now, though I know some men like bigger women, I still find a very, very big woman to be not attractive---yeah, I know that I am feeling that way about myself. It is just that it has been so instilled in me, not by family or friends, but by everybody else, that someone like me could not be considered attractive. I have to fight constantly with the notion of what is attractive, and what isn't attractive. It is a constant struggle at times.

milliondollarbbw
06-04-2010, 12:48 AM
I was shopping yesterday and today, and I admit, I did look longer than usual at two people who were overweight and using the little motorized scooters at the grocery store. I also noticed another women who was either in one of the scooters the store provides, or her own, and how she was talking with what appeared to be her daughter.

I felt bad for the first couple---the woman was very overweight, and I could see how she could need the scooter. The guy with her didn't seem that overweight. Part of me wondered if he was sitting in a scooter with her, as a way of giving emotional support.

Oddly, at another store (I didn't buy that much, seriously!), there was a very young woman in a scooter who wasn't overweight, didn't have a cane, etc. I wondered if she needed the scooter, or if she and her friends were just joking around. I realized that maybe she does have a mobility issue that just isn't visible.

The overweight woman with her daughter really stood out the most to me. For one, we looked of the same heritage, and she looked a bit tired, and older and a bit unkempt. It made me think of how I have let myself look at times and how I need to take better care of myself. I also noticed her because she has an older daughter, and it made me think of how lucky she is to have a kid, but also how it must be hard having a kid and being as overweight as she was. It did look like her weight was making it difficult to get around (of course, she could have an injury that caused immobility that led to the weight gain) and I wondered if that impacted how she interacts with her kid or children. It must be hard.

I do admit at times that when I see very obese women in relationships or having their own family, it makes me a bit envious. It makes me wonder that if someone who is bigger than me has this seemingly great life, I wonder what I am doing wrong and why I don't have that. I know, that is a more negative thought and I shouldn't think that way.

amy180
06-04-2010, 01:04 AM
Fat-hate is really ingrained into society. I go back and forth. Sometimes I hate myself for gaining weight again; other times, I hate the way society acts like fat people aren't people, too. And yet sometimes I catch myself thinking like that.

I usually don't go out of my way to encourage/acknowledge overweight people who are exercising or whatever, not because I don't want to be encouraging, but because of my own hangups, I suppose. Like, if someone said something to me about exercising, I might interpret it wrong or wonder about their real intentions, are they being condescending. etc

I don't like exersizing around people. I walk/jog either really early or late in the evening. I don't go to gyms. All because of the way I think I am percieved.

I used to be quite thin/muscular, and ran cross country and track. I'd get overheated easily and I'm pale, so I turn bright red and sweaty for a long time.However, at that weight, I wasn't self conscious because a thin, red-faced, sweaty person, people look at them and say "that person has exercised hard!" On the other hand, at 200+ pounds, I feel like, in the same situation, people are thinking "that fat person needs to get off the couch so she doesn't get so out of breath!" Some of it's paranoia, some of it is that people really do interpret a fat and a skinny person exercising differently.

And then there are supermarkets.No one cares what a thin person buys there. If a fat person buys diet coke, people think it's related to their weight. If a fat person buys chocolate, people think that's why they are fat. A thin person buying diet coke or chocolate, it would be just food. When a fat person does anything, all these judgements and things seem to come into play.

I'm just so desperate for them to see just me and not the fat. But I know from my own experience, that just isn't possible.
This. x100.

caliyah
06-04-2010, 02:54 AM
I was shopping yesterday and today, and I admit, I did look longer than usual at two people who were overweight and using the little motorized scooters at the grocery store. I also noticed another women who was either in one of the scooters the store provides, or her own, and how she was talking with what appeared to be her daughter.

I felt bad for the first couple---the woman was very overweight, and I could see how she could need the scooter. The guy with her didn't seem that overweight. Part of me wondered if he was sitting in a scooter with her, as a way of giving emotional support.

Oddly, at another store (I didn't buy that much, seriously!), there was a very young woman in a scooter who wasn't overweight, didn't have a cane, etc. I wondered if she needed the scooter, or if she and her friends were just joking around. I realized that maybe she does have a mobility issue that just isn't visible.

The overweight woman with her daughter really stood out the most to me. For one, we looked of the same heritage, and she looked a bit tired, and older and a bit unkempt. It made me think of how I have let myself look at times and how I need to take better care of myself. I also noticed her because she has an older daughter, and it made me think of how lucky she is to have a kid, but also how it must be hard having a kid and being as overweight as she was. It did look like her weight was making it difficult to get around (of course, she could have an injury that caused immobility that led to the weight gain) and I wondered if that impacted how she interacts with her kid or children. It must be hard.

I do admit at times that when I see very obese women in relationships or having their own family, it makes me a bit envious. It makes me wonder that if someone who is bigger than me has this seemingly great life, I wonder what I am doing wrong and why I don't have that. I know, that is a more negative thought and I shouldn't think that way.

I think everything is really all about self love. When you believe in yourself and love yourself like you deserve it makes it easier for those around you to share their love with you. I believe there is someone out there for everyone. I've seen so many overweight and obese women in happy relationships. I had a friend of mine who is 300+ who had a boyfriend flying her to Europe and always spending crazy money on her. My cousin is 300+ and she has guys asking her out all the time and has had plenty of talk of marriage from guys but she says shes not ready yet.

Anyway my motto is love yourself through thick and thin. Even when I don't believe in myself I just keep talking positive. AND of course the most important thing is to make sure you leave home looking amazing because honestly many overweight women don't try hard enough to look good. So I make it a point to make sure I look the best I can even if its to go to the grocery store and that boosts my overall confidence.

And last thing is -- I never settle for less than the best just because of my weight. I've seen so many people give up and let other people walk all over them and treat themselves like they don't deserve to be happy. We all deserve the best and we deserve to be happy. We only have 1 life to live.

Thighs Be Gone
06-04-2010, 09:06 AM
Fat-hate is really ingrained into society.

You are so right! Even the cartoons out there are loaded with seemingly funny "fat" images--so it starts from a very, very early age and is only engrained further as time progresses. So. Very. Wrong.

Thighs Be Gone
06-04-2010, 09:08 AM
Caliyah--excellent points you are making here--and I so agree with you...truly LOVE yourself no matter your size--always know you deserve the best and deserve to TREAT YOURSELF the very best...very much agree about making sure you look amazing each time you leave your home...feeling your best directly effects self-esteem and ultimately your interactions with other people..

ariana419
06-17-2010, 02:43 AM
Dont know if this exactly fits in this thread, but its about how I compare myself to another overweight person, My husband is really good friends with his ex(weird I know but it works well). She used to be over 300 lbs, I was always a lot smaller than her Actually Im the used to be the skinniest girl he ever dated. Anyways she had Lap-band about a year ago. Im not sure exactly how much she lost but is now too big for her 16 jeans. She still seems big to be big butt, legs. I have compared myself to her numerous times. "well at least I'm smaller than her" or "do I look like that?". Now I know she is smaller and weighs less than me and it is horrible for me!! I guess I'm jealous. She stills eats bad food(the little bit she can eat) and only just started working out. I don't know if she can be a motivational factor or just depresses me. Anyways thanks for letting me get off topic a bit.

Rosinante
06-17-2010, 03:15 AM
Very interesting and honest O.Post.

At the weight I am at the minute, I do have 'at least I'm not as fat as her' passing thoughts.

However, when I feel I'm on a plan successfully (Day #25, no cheating, I guess I can describe myself as being successfully op at the moment!) I do have more charitable moments: not so long ago I was with my mum in a restaurant cafe, and she commented on the size of a plateful a large man was eating, saying he didn't need it. It wasn't gross, it was a full lunch; he was a smart, junior-executive looking type in a crisp if huge white shirt. My only thought was - yes, he is very big; but how do we know that he hasn't lost weight for a year to get down to this? So I'm not always judgemental.

I have judgemental feelings towards fat people eating in the street - something I never do, fat or thin, it was a school rule I've never got out of.

I judge almost everybody's shopping trolleys in supermarkets :blush:

On the question from one poster's e-friend from Asia about why there are so many fat people in England - my experience over many years is that when people with fat-rich diets immigrate to England and hit our sugar-rich diets, they get as fat as us, very quickly! This leads me to

One of my biggest soap boxes: that supermarkets offer amazing special offers on cakes and pastries and processed crp, which tempt financially challenged people, understandably. And, of course, we know how difficult it is once we're hooked on that kind of stuff. Depending on how cynical I'm feeling, I often think it's a government ploy to keep the populace dull and quiescent.

Robsia
06-17-2010, 05:16 AM
I think the only time I tend to judge harshly is when kids are involved.

I was on holiday in Portugal a couple of years ago with my daughters and there was a very large family staying there also - Mum, Dad, son and daughter. They were all very big, kids too. The kids were preteens, maybe 10 and 11 or so.

One time we were in the snack bar and we saw all four of them ploughing their way through HUGE platefuls of food - fries, burgers, etc.

I kid you not, one of the platefuls that the adults had would have fed me AND my two girls!

And my only thought was "Well, no wonder the poor kids are fat!" All my pity was for the chldren - the adults can take care of themselves.

WinterStarzz
06-17-2010, 11:22 AM
A few weeks ago I saw a very heavy woman in one of those store scooters. The first thought that popped into my head was, "Oh, my God, please don't let me become THAT in 10 years." There is a very good chance that the reason she was in the scooter is NOT weight related, but the image still scared the crap out of me. That is half my motivation for losing weight - I don't want people to judge me completely based on the way I look. And there I was, jumping to conclusions and feeling sorry for the woman. I don't want people to feel sorry for me while I'm out walking, trying to lose these pounds. I felt very hypocritical.

SouthLake
06-17-2010, 12:34 PM
This thread has been such an insightful read.
I confess- the first thing I do whenever I see another overweight woman is the whole "bigger or smaller" question where I try to figure out if she's bigger or smaller than me. Unfortunately (or fortunately, for the sake of my sanity) my mental image of me has not caught up with the actual physical image of me. When I see pictures, I am convinced that I am not that fat. Which means that I know I'm feeling smug about being smaller than women who are probably smaller than I am! I just can't see it.

I always have the "how do you let yourself go like that?" issue in the back of my head. Somehow I feel that being overweight is okay and understandable, but morbid obesity isn't. When the truth is, at my current trajectory of gaining 20 pounds a year for the last 4 years, I too would be morbidly obese before I hit 30. But I sit there and say "there's just no excuse for being that overweight" In my head, I feel like anyone can become overweight without having terrible habits, but somehow people in the 300+ category, man, they must be really lazy/gluttonous/etc. to get there. And I hate myself for thinking that because in reality, yes, I stopped myself at 240. but why? Luck? Stars aligning? What? Yes, I kicked my motivation in gear sooner than some people, I also have fewer struggles than others. Timing is the only thing that kept me from getting over 300 pounds myself. I think that's the thing that scares me most, and perhaps what secretly underlies my judgmental mentality more than anything else.

I admit too, that I get mad at people that are morbidly obese. Especially those (like a coworker) who have significant health issues as a result. I get mad that they're "unwilling" (which I know isn't always the case) to work to save their health, and their lives. I worked in home health and hospice for a few years and saw how many of our patients were morbidly obese, and the complications from that. And now I just get mad when I see people who "allow" themselves to be so fat, even when I know there are so many other issues involved. All too often, I think I make the assumption that morbidly obese people that I see on the street don't try to lose weight or change anything, when many of the people I see may have just lost 10, 20, 60, 100 pounds!

And yes, I judge other overweight people when they eat crap foods. Even if I'm eating them too! Sometimes I'll go out to a restaurant and order something off plan. Then, I'll look around and see another overweight person eating something just as gross and fatty and think "oh man, no wonder they're fat! Atleast I've been completely on plan for three weeks and this is just a one time thing". But I assume that theirs is a lifestyle of eating poorly, when they could be in the same boat as me, working hard to lose weight and occasionally enjoying an off plan meal or activity.

I feel terrible that I judge people so much, and I know so much of it stems simply from how I feel other people judge me.

As a sidenote- for the comment about a young woman using a scooter but not having a cane. That was me! Well, in college. I had a significant back injury that left me nearly unable to walk for several weeks, and walking painfully for months after. But, there I was, 135 pound college kid without a cane, in a stroller because I couldn't walk. And still, when I see "healthy looking" people using them, I assume they're just messing around. Go figure.

milliondollarbbw
06-23-2010, 03:03 PM
My weight was messing with me over the weekend, but now I am back under the 300lbs. mark, so I am really happy about that.

I sometimes feel a bit blue and sad when I see people with their families, and I feel like I have to hurry up and have mine. But at my weight, and with no potential mate in sight, and financial stress, I am feeling overwhelmed and wondering if it will happen for me. And though I am super happy about losing weight, I realize I still have a ways to go. I tried to do some exercising at home, and I am so out of shape and I need to really do it everyday because i shouldn't be this much out of shape. I realize I really am that big, and sometimes even though my head things I can do sprints and be super active, my body and the weight thinks otherwise.

I know this is just a blue funk, maybe related to pms, but I felt like writing out my thoughts would help me.

JustBeckyV
06-23-2010, 04:53 PM
I definitely have felt this way as well - for me it's like others a connection and the want to reach out and help. I know though how I would have felt if someone would have approached me at my heaviest - hurt and probably pissed. Just wish there was something though that I could do - i have thought about starting a walking group for overweight women. Something to give those first learners a chance to connect - just not sure how to do it.

matt_H
06-23-2010, 05:04 PM
You know what I feel when i see morbidly obese people that weighed what I did? I feel sadness... because I KNOW how they feel ... how judged they feel... how OUT OF CONTROL they feel. I was them. I felt those things.

Exactly.

I know what it feels like to be morbidly obese and to feel so ashamed of how I look.

When I see someone extremely overweight my first thoughts are sadness. I was there.