General chatter - Marriage/Life advice desperately needed




EveLHaelf
05-19-2010, 03:43 AM
I've been with my husband for over 5 years, married to him for a little over 2. And in my opinion, it's always been a good relationship. We've had our ups and downs, laughs and tears. He's always made me want to be the best person I could be, and has always inspired me. I've always looked up to him. He's been my best friend. I'm going to try to explain this as best I can....

We moved in together after we got married. I went away on a business trip for 2 weeks and came back to find a really nasty internet history on his computer. (porn) I was shocked and hurt and appalled. It was our first fight. I explained to him how it made me feel (those women are thin and 'perfect' and i had body image issues to begin with without him looking at that etc.) and he explained to me that he used it as a stress relief and looking at that was just what he needed to 'get off.' I asked him to stop and he said he wouldn't. He did cut back on the amount he watched it, but never completely stopped. Once I found that internet history, I became sort of hooked on 'spying' on his internet history. Through a bit of digging I found a hidden file on his computer where he kept a collection of porn. This file actually required a certain code to be typed out on the terminal of the computer so he definitely wanted it hidden. This just obsessed me even more....why would he hide it? More confrontation....he was mad I was invading his privacy, he didn't see anything wrong with looking at porn. Looking back, I just led a sheltered life and was never really exposed to that sort of thing until then so that's why I was so shocked....it REALLY isn't a big deal to look at porn. I struggled to stop looking at his history, and occasionally looking at the hidden file to see if there were any additions. One day I found an addition. It was a real life picture of a woman, she was sitting on a bathroom sink in lingerie in the mirror using her cellphone as the camera. I completely freaked...I confronted him when he came home and found out it was a co-worker that he had worked with right before we got married and moved. They had been keeping in touch through phone calls (while I was at work and he never saw the need to mention it to me) and he had asked for a picture (not specifying what kind of pic he says) and that's the one she sent. I asked him how I was supposed to trust him when not only did he get a picture form another woman, but he never said 'hey i'm married and you shouldn't be sending me these kinds of pictures' but he SAVED it in a HIDDEN FILE. He apologized, agreed that he was being stupid and promised he wouldn't do it anymore...

Months passed, I was finally moving on...not heartbroken about it anymore...I was finaly coming to terms with the whole porn issue. I was understanding that he wasn't wishing I looked like that and that he was just using it as stress relief and what not. I had weened myself from looking at his computer and his internet history.

I started my weightloss journey in August. Things were going great, I was completely focused on my goal. I had such tunnel vision, that I didn't see or realize i was neglecting him. I was going to bed really early (345am) so I could work out before work and he was staying up late wanting companionship and I was in bed sleeping. One day....something....told me to look at his computer. I just had a feeling that I needed to look....

I found him looking at craigslist personal ads (woman seeking man sorta thing.) He went on a site called chatroulette where you click a button and it connects you to someone else randomly with a webcam. He had actually responded to an ad on craigslist that was basically a girl saying she would flash whoever wanted it. She sent him pictures (which he saved on the hidden file) and they had used aol instant messenger webcam chat a few times and had emailed back and forth a bit. One of the emails was him saying 'those pics you sent me...damn why are you not involved with someone?'

I completely broke down. To me, this is at the very least emotional cheating. I was so hurt, heartbroken....I confronted him about it he didn't deny it I ended up spending the night at a friends house. It was a few days later that we talked and he told me that he felt neglected and had tried to reach out to get my attention but I never realised because I was so focused on my weightloss. I've read some marriage books that explain that a woman's job is to take care of her man and not turn him down for sex because it hurts them and etc. So I understand why he did it...I mean, we had a lot of conversations afterwards. I thought we were doing okay, I thought we were making progress.

Then tonight happened. I'm not even sure how it started, but we ended up talking about our relationship again. He was saying how he wanted me to experiment with other guys because he would like to see that, and I asked him if he wanted to experiment with other women. It basically went that he is depressed, and hates his life right now and he doesn't know who he is or what he wants. He hates himself and he doesn't want to 'hold me back' (his words) from finding someone else or from anything else in life. Because he doesn't know what he wants or 'who he is' he doesn't know if it will entail dating or being with someone else and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore etc etc. I explained to him how I feel about him: I love him with all my heart and with him I feel COMPLETE. I can handle anything with him beside me. I don't want to share him with anyone else.

He said he loves me, I'm a wonderful person, and he wants me in his life.............but he doesn't feel the way that I described. He still feels like something is missing.:(:(:(

My whole world fell apart around my head.....I started crying....we talked some more....I've told him that he's a wonderful person and he's not holding me back from anything. He started crying too (the most/hardest i've ever seen him cry) I can feel his pain....I know what it's like to be depressed and not know yourself. I want to help him, but I don't know what to do. I love him with all that I am and I am so crushed that he doesn't love me the same. Kinda like I love you but i'm not in love with you sort of thing. He wants time to find himself, and since he doesn't know if it might include being with someone else and he doesn't want to hurt me, he wants to try it alone. But he has stressed he still wants me in his life. I tried explaining to him that I've loved him for 5 years of my life and i can't just go to being friends. I would have to cut off communication with him in order for me to be able to heal and move on without the heartbrake. He started absolutely bawling at this. "I DON'T WANNA LOSE YOU. I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE" I mean, my heart broke all over again at seeing the man I love completely break down in tears.

GOD I just don't know what to do! I can't keep getting hurt. Life just seems dark and dreary and MEANINGLESS without him in it. I can barely see straight enough to type I can't stop crying. He's my LIFE my best friend my source of comfort...What am I going to do?

It's almost 2 in the morning and I have to get up at 5 am for stupid work...I doubt I'm going to get any sleep.

thanks for reading:(


carol2208
05-19-2010, 04:46 AM
Oh sweetie, I´m really really sorry you´re going through all this. But trust me when I tell you that life is not meaningless without him, the meaning of your life is not defined by someone else, it´s defined by you and what you do. I don´t want in any way diminish the importance of him or your pain, I know it hurts, a lot. But in the long run it would hurt a lot more if you didn´t respect and love yourself.

Now it´s time to take care of you, time to make the best decision for you in the long run ... whatever that decision might be. And while you´re in the process, ask yourself, what do you need to do to be happier a year from now? In terms of weight loss, in terms of your relationship, in terms of your job... for me it helps if I design a real plan for each, when I´m sad it´s hard to do anything but I can actually make myself do it if I have a schedule.

He is being selfish, to seek something outside your marrige was his choice, not yours. So do now, what´s best for YOU. Do the same thing he is doing, rebuild your life, help yourself.

I´m here for you, we are here for you!!

TwynnB
05-19-2010, 06:38 AM
Porn is corruptive and destructive to a relationship. What he is doing is emotional cheating, and something needs to change. I do believe both of you need some marital counseling, to see if you can salvage what is left.

Good luck. It is so obvious you're in love with him :( , so let's hope he is willing to make some changes!


Robsia
05-19-2010, 07:01 AM
Personally I don't have a problem with porn provided that it isn't being used instead of me. My OH and I sometimes watch porn together.

However, I would definitely have a problem with himj having nude pics of women that he knows and with him MSNing other women - that is crossing the line.

As for the rest - he has to choose. He either wants you in his life, or not. He can't play around outside the marriage but still have you whenever he wants you - that's not fair on you at all.

I would spell it out to him plainly and simply. It's 100% you, or nothing. Don't settle for anything less or he will walk all over you. Oh, and you HAVE to mean it, and be prepared to carry it out also.

Easy for me to say I know - I'm not living your life. But you have to set boundaries and be prepared to stick to them.

Good luck hun!!

winning the war
05-19-2010, 07:23 AM
I have to agree with everyone else. Also, I think it's unfair for him to ask you to compromise your own integrity by asking you to have relations with other men, and to give him permission to do so with other women. Whatever you decide, I believe that you should seek some counseling on your own. I hope you come to understand that you lived a long time without him in your life, so your very breath does not depend on his presence in your life. I had to leave a bad relationship before, and felt pretty strongly about the guy, and remembering that I survived without him before made me realize I could do it again. If you do decide to remain married, I hope you and your husband will consider marriage counseling. It really does help to bounce things off a neutral third party. Good luck to you and keep working hard for your goals!

Jenny

EveLHaelf
05-19-2010, 07:44 AM
I feel like a train ran over me...and then backed up and did it again. I'm really curious to see how today at work is going to go. I work at Subway and I'm going to do my hardest to not cry around all our customers! :(

Thank you all for your advice and your kind words. I want to just curl up in a ball and be alone so I know I must do the opposite and have people around to talk to!

I agree that porn is addictive to certain people. He didn't always have those 'fantasies' of wife swapping and the like. I feel his expectations have been warped.

Carol, I do understand that my life isn't meaningless without him. I'm in such a dark place right now, but I'm trying to fight off the negative thoughts. He's just been my best friend/lover for so long, it just doesn't seem right not having him there anymore. But you are right, I need to do what is best for me, and take care of myself. I am hoping that I can be strong enough to do that for myself.

I am going to be making an appointment for marriage counseling. He has stated that he doesn't feel like it will help, but I'm not ready to just throw away those 5 years. I am willing to fight, but only if he is. I'm not going to fight to hold on to something that is just going to burn me again.

Robsia, I agree it's 100% unfair to me for him to want it both ways like that. We are going to talk this afternoon when we both get off work and I'm laying it all out.

winning, the scary part is I found myself considering trying it just to see if it would help us. I know now that no amount of crazy sex like that would help us and that I would probably end up hating myself for doing something like that. Thank you for the advice of realizing I lived before him. It's truth.

Thank you all again for the advice. I"m going to be staying as busy as I can today and doing some thinking. When he's not around me I can think clearer and I hope that when it comes down to it I can be strong and make the right choice for me nomatter how much it hurts. I just feel so sad, heartbroken, betrayed, alone....when I finally fell asleep last night, I kept waking up and instantly remembering what went on and my heart would race and it took me forever to fall back asleep again and the process repeated until it was time to wake for work. I woke up this morning hoping it was all a nightmare....I couldn't be so lucky.:(

astrophe
05-19-2010, 09:04 AM
If he is depressed, and acting out in all these inappropriate ways, he needs counseling. I'm not all that sure he really is depressed, but I'll give the benefit of the doubt.

And you have some soul searching. Do you want to stick by him while he goes through treatment? Or is it more than you can take? What if he doesn't want to get treatment? What then?

You have to do what is best for YOU... even if it means not being with him.

A.

goodforme
05-19-2010, 11:58 AM
Could he have a sex addiction? A lot of men don't feel anything emotional about sex, it's just a biological function, etc. etc. How could my wife be hurt by me wanting to practice biology on other women? Counseling might help if he's open to it.

:hug: I'm sorry you're going through this. I pray for you to have the strength to make the right decision, whatever that is for you.

vertigoskyy
05-19-2010, 12:52 PM
I'm so sorry to hear this. I would suggest going to counseling. One, while many people don't realize it, porn is addictive. I have a friend whose husband was addicted to porn and it almost ruined their marriage. I won't go into the details of all he was doing, but it sounds like your husband. Once he got counseling for it, their marriage completely changed. Also, if he is feeling so lost, counseling can help him to find himself. And counseling session for you two together could help strengthen your marriage. I know similar feelings to what you are having, I've gone through it myself.

wowzers
05-19-2010, 12:54 PM
I'm really sorry you're going through this :hug: It's very tough - I went over that this past year and I'm at the end of that chapter.

I agree with pretty much all the comments above, you have to focus on yourself. What he's doing, whatever his reason is (depression, upbringing, etc), you cannot let anybody hurt you like that. He may not be doing anything with someone else "in real life" (and that would be many guys defense), but he's emotionally abusing you. Yes, it's considered abuse, just like physical or verbal. It's really hard to move on from this, because there's really no physical scar and we tend to forget - until they do it again. But it can be done.

I hope counseling will help you both, remember that we have to work on ourselves as individuals first, only then you'll be able to figure out how to work things as a couple - so don't get discouraged if you don't see any "progress" fast.

Don't give up on yourself. You're worth more than you can think of right now. Good luck!

WarMaiden
05-19-2010, 01:04 PM
To be quite bluntly honest, since you do not have children, I would suggest that you leave him and seek a divorce. His issues have nothing to do with you; his feelings of being worthless and so on are nothing that you can cure for him. His logic that he wants to "find himself" without you tagging along, IMO, that is complete bullcrap. He feels like crap, he's rationalizing, he's making his relationship with you into the problem. But that's not the truth of the situation...your relationship is suffering because he's not getting off his a$$ to fix himself, not the other way around.

I see nothing but years and years of grief if you stay with him, and worse, if you have children together. You're worth so much more than staying with a man who, fundamentally, doesn't find you valuable enough to do the hard labor of making himself and the marriage work.

StuffedBunny
05-19-2010, 01:15 PM
Ok, so I've sort of been in the same situation as you. I never cared if my significant other looked at porn, so that never bothered me. One day, I walked in on my ex getting off to a picture of a girl he knew from the gym. I freaked! I told him, I don't care if he jerks off or what have you, but to do it to someone that either of us know in person is crossing a line! So as far as I knew he had stopped. I didn't trust him much after that, and I went through his computer stuff only to find pictures that girls he knew had sent him saved into folders within folders within folders. I looked at his email and found out he had slept with a girl when we had broke up for a few weeks, and this was a girl he continued to talk to when we were back together...it was all down hill from there.

Once we argued about this we tried to get past it but the trust was unrepairable. He only found other ways to hide things (putting girls #'s under guy friends names in his phone and what not).

Personally, from my experience, this is a habit for him that if he is not willing to break, he will just continue to do behind your back in some way or another. And if it's forgiven, he may think it's ok to do or go even further...

I think you guys definitly need to talk this out and try to get him to explain to you why he's doing this and ask him how he expects you to trust him when he is doing everything that an unfaithful man does behind his wifes back.

I've been there, done that...I'd say it's not something that is an easy fix. But you know what's best for your relationship.

Overall, do not take it personal. To say that because you go to bed early that you were not showing affection or giving him enough attention is silly! People can show affection any time of day, and it was happening before...

Just take care of yourself. If you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to PM me and vent!

sprklemajik
05-19-2010, 01:22 PM
This is such a difficult situation for you, I'm sure. As a young woman who has been with her DH for 5 years and married for 3 of the five I can sort of try and imagine what I would be doing in your situation.

I suggest that you try and treat yourself with kindness. I hate to tell you to ditch him, but possibly he wasn't mature enough to be married to begin with. What would you tell a friend that was going through this? I would certainly suggest a separation, and you sticking to your guns. Make sure he understands that while he's out "finding himself" there's no you to pick up the pieces.

What really bothers me about your posts is that he continually blames his actions on you. "if only you had done ___" Each person is responsible for their own actions/reactions. I understand that loosing weight and exercising takes a time committment, but asking for more attention is the loving reaction, not seeking attention outside of your marriage.

I also personally do not have any feelings against pornography, but at the moment you told him you were uncomfortable with it, he should have stopped it because it hurts your feelings.

ThicknPretty
05-19-2010, 01:46 PM
Well....whew. First of all, I am so sorry that you are going through so much right now. I have never been through anything like that myself (mostly because I've never really been in a serious, long term relationship), but I can just imagine how hurt you feel right now. :hug:

Okay, so here's the deal from my perspective:

Do you want to be with him? If your answer is yes or even just a weak maybe, ask yourself: will you ever really, truly, really, really, really be able to get over this? Or will it replay in your mind? Do you see yourself punishing him over and over again for this or being unable to fully trust him? If so, it's best to exit stage left on this one. I've seen couples try to move on from infidelity or deception and it will ONLY work if BOTH people are able to bury the issue and really move on. It can't come up in arguments, you can't hold it against him, you can't maintain your right to be bitter. If you're going to stick around, you must forgive...just as much for your sanity as anything else.


Honestly, honey, I think you need to start preparing for at least a seperation. I personally think pornography is fine...great even. I don't mind if someone I'm dating looks at it, but I would mind if I asked them to stop and they refused. You guys are supposed to be committed to making each other happy, whatever that means, and he should put every effort into respecting that it just bothers you. He doesn't have to understand why, but he shouldn't even be able to enjoy doing something that hurts you so much. I also suspect, as another poster suggestive, that he might have some degree of sexual addiction or compulsion. The fact that he had such an inappropriate picture of someone he knows is just so far over the line...geez, I wish I could get a hold of him! I would definitely consider what he has done as a form of cheating. He has destroyed your trust and your confidence...all for some cheap thrills? Shameful.

Don't let him make you feel bad about taking care of yourself. Don't let him make you feel inadequate or as if you have failed. The only thing you should consider letting him do is take FULL responsibility for his OWN actions, fix them, apologize sincerely and make every effort, every day, to restore your faith.

Good luck

saef
05-19-2010, 02:18 PM
This is saef's admittedly cynical translation of what I've just read him telling you:

"It's not you. It's me .... Well, it is sort of you .... But it really is me. And I think it could be fixed if I could look at a lot of porn. Or if I watched you have sex with someone else. Or if you cheated on me, which would be tantamount to your giving me permission to cheat on you. Because having sex with another woman entirely would instantly fix EVERYTHING that is wrong with me. Sex is the answer to my finding myself & feeling better about myself. And of course, I would also like to keep you around, too, while having the sex with other women which is supposed to fix everything for me."

He needs to come up with some better solutions.

It's very hard to stay with someone going through this kind of inner conflict. And if we love him & start thinking it's our duty to provide solace & to help him & to fix him, we sacrifice part of ourselves. I'm not a believer in this form of self-sacrifice. (Unlike that book on marriage you quoted.) Again, **** yeah, this guy needs counseling. At the very least.

But if I were you, I'd start trying to picture my life without him. You don't need to make a move yet. Just start picturing that alternative reality & seeing what it would be like. I think you are a capable woman & that you would be able to cope. That you'd be grieving hard, at something dying, but that you could get by & do well in time. But again, I'd begin by at least picturing what a remade life would be like.

cbmare
05-19-2010, 02:42 PM
It was a few days later that we talked and he told me that he felt neglected and had tried to reach out to get my attention but I never realised because I was so focused on my weightloss. I've read some marriage books that explain that a woman's job is to take care of her man and not turn him down for sex because it hurts them and etc.

He should be cheering your fantastic weight loss. Is he military? I'm not sure based on where you state you live. If so, is there someone on base you can see? As far as the books, what a load of crap! It is YOUR job to take care of him? How about taking care of each other? You are not chattle.

The others are right regarding addiction. He is not going to be able to stop this on his own. It sounds like you were not aware of this before you got married. He is going to need help if he truly wants to remain with you. Set the boundaries and stick with them.

You're better than that!

Amy8888
05-19-2010, 02:43 PM
To be quite bluntly honest, since you do not have children, I would suggest that you leave him and seek a divorce. His issues have nothing to do with you; his feelings of being worthless and so on are nothing that you can cure for him. His logic that he wants to "find himself" without you tagging along, IMO, that is complete bullcrap. He feels like crap, he's rationalizing, he's making his relationship with you into the problem. But that's not the truth of the situation...your relationship is suffering because he's not getting off his a$$ to fix himself, not the other way around.

I see nothing but years and years of grief if you stay with him, and worse, if you have children together. You're worth so much more than staying with a man who, fundamentally, doesn't find you valuable enough to do the hard labor of making himself and the marriage work.

I know this is extremely hard to hear but this is what I was thinking as well (heck, even if you had children I would think this).

I look back on some long-term relationships I had before I got married and your situation seems a lot like one I was in. We were together for 4 years, living together for 3 of those, and the last two of those were just downhill. He told me he still loved me but he wasn't sure he wanted to get married (we had always discussed getting married). Well, stupid me stayed with him for another 6 months after that declaration because he still loved me and he might come around. I think he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

While all that was going on I was super depressed but refused to acknowledge it. I kept thinking if I did the right thing he would change his mind and finally propose. My god I want to slap some sense into that younger version of me! Clearly he was the one with issues and clearly if he truly loved me marriage would still have been on the table. Clearly, I needed to be engaged to think spending time with him was worthwhile. CLEARLY, our relationship no longer worked and we were hanging on for all the wrong reasons. The final straw for me was when I wanted to go to the counseling services on campus and he refused to go with me. I knew then that he really didn't care about our relationship and I ended it. (I think he was so spineless that he just couldn't end it himself).

As others have suggested, you might want to consider going into couples counseling. But mostly I am thinking that you need to take it easy on yourself and allow for the possibility of your marriage ending so you can be free to move on and find real happiness. I know the hold a bad relationship can have and I know it seems impossible to find happiness in one. The pain of a relationship ending is incomparable, IMO, but it is also sometimes a necessary step to finally getting back on track.

fillupthesky
05-19-2010, 03:01 PM
i'm sorry you're going through this...
it seems that your hubby isn't sure about where he stands with himself...its easy for him to blame external factors, but he seems to know that the problem lies somewhere within him, which is a positive step.
i would recommend going to marital counseling, and for him to seek counseling on his own.

for you, knowing that he's done all these things causes you not to trust him and to harbor resentment in the long run, even if he does change and get his act together. that's why i feel like marital counseling would benefit you both. also, seeing a counselor would help both of you decide whether it is best for the two of you to stay together or go your separate ways.

either way, this is not going to be easy. i've been with guys who are totally depressed and unsatisfied in themselves...its a hard road. you can decide to see him through this, support him, or let him figure it out on his own. just don't sacrifice your happiness and livelihood for someone who doesn't want to work on himself and improve their lives.

know that we're all here to support you...you've accomplished a lot for yourself and deserve to be with someone who would do the same for themselves.

much love & hugs to you

EveLHaelf
05-19-2010, 03:57 PM
Getting through the work day was rough, but I made it. I'm taking the dog for a run and when he gets home from work, we are going to talk some more. I'm going to tell him that i want couples counseling and i want him to get personal counseling and if he is not willing to do that, then that will be an eye opener for me.

You are all right, these are his issues and he needs to be the one to work them out. I can't do it for him.

Yes, he's military and we have free access to counseling so there is absolutely no excuse not to get it other than he doesn't want to work on himself. I completely admit that i am not 100% innocent in this. I did neglect him for 8 months. I wasn't cleaning the house, I was going to bed really early, I wasn't cooking him dinner, i was asleep when he wanted to be intimate. This does not condone him looking to someone else though, but atleast i can understand where he's coming from. And the book I'm reading is called 'the proper care and feeding of husbands' I'm not very good at explaining what it talks about but I know that it's not 100% the woman's job to keep the relationship alive. Women just have the most power to change the relationship for the better or worse. I Hope that makes sense?

But yes, he really does sound like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I can't be all supportive of him and taking care of him if I'm not getting love AND faithfull-ness in return. (sorry couldn't think of the word)

I will update on how the talk went later.

Thanks to everyone for your support and advice. :hug:

EZMONEY
05-19-2010, 04:25 PM
.....I completely admit that i am not 100% innocent in this. I did neglect him for 8 months. I wasn't cleaning the house, I was going to bed really early, I wasn't cooking him dinner, i was asleep when he wanted to be intimate....

:hug: Kiddo...You need to remind yourself what you told us in your original post ~ he had this problem with porn when you got married.

Being a male and working with them on almost a daily basis for over 40 years I can tell you most...if not ALL...men look at porn on occasion. From playboy mags to a peek on the internet...maybe an x-rated movie at times...with or w/o spouse...

however, it does sound like your husband's issue is way beyond normal.

I agree that counseling gives you a chance to restore this marriage...very good counseling...but as has been said...it takes BOTH of you to make this work...

bottom line....he either wants you or the porn....to try and have it both ways hasn't worked for you now and it will only continue to be worse.

In my prayers ~

jigglefree
05-19-2010, 04:27 PM
This is tough. Mostly because I have been married for almost three years and something like this would rip me open. However, because I have a self preservation nature, such a fury of fire would rain down on his head that crying would be the last thing he considered. There is no way in the WORLD he would sit down with me and tell me he needed to "find himself by way of sex outside of our marriage"!!! Are you kidding me? This kind of manipulation angers me to a point of unspeakable things. I wouldn't cause him any bodily harm because I don't like wearing the same clothes everyday.

Now for you Missy, its time for you to dig deep through the pain and disappointment. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you can make it no matter what happens. You can make it because you are strong and you aren't going to be anyone's door mat. I know you love him but this time you have to let him know he is not going to be able to have all he wants and you. You have to value yourself and demand that he or anyone else does the same. Any marriage book that tells you that you need to be there for him while he acts like this should be ashamed...unless of course you are looking at from your heartbreak. YOU ARE IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS!!! No matter if you are tired from working out or you just don't want to and I mean that. What helps me get through a hard time is looking good on the outside and telling myself how wonderful I am. I also have friends that have my back and would tell me the same to help me move forward. You do your part and we will do the friends part. You can do this. He doesn't think counseling would help because they would tell him getting someone extra is not what HE wants. I would also ask him what he would do if the tables were turned and he found me doing that.

It amazes me the tore down, crying it's me not you but I'm going to kinda blame you so you feel bad enough to give me what I want joka. It could be that porn has gotten a grip on him and has him doing all this madness but if he doesn't want any help then SHOW him he doesn't want you. There is no middle ground or gray area on this. What will you be thinking when you aren't around or you need to go to bed and he isn't sleepy? That's no way to live.

Sorry to ramble. I'm on my :soap:

Fat Pants
05-19-2010, 04:34 PM
Oh, Eve. I am so sorry to hear this. My heart breaks for you. :hug: :(

I would read again what saef wrote. That was my initial thought/reaction, and it seems to me that deep down, you know it. You love him and of course it hurts terribly, probably more than you could ever imagine, but staying with someone like this will only lead to more hurt, pain, and a life of trust issues. Even if you are not 100% innocent in this, it is NEVER ok to cheat. And honestly, it should have been a red flag early on when you found yourself compromising your feelings about his actions - before you were even married. It's OK not to be OK with it.

At the very least, I would separate from him for a little while, so you can clear your head. Counseling is a great place to start, and I would go separately and with him (if he is willing). I too agree that if he refuses, then he has really given you his true feelings on your marriage.

I know the book you're talking about, and while I agree with some principals, ultimately we are not responsible for how other people act and the choices they make. Even if he did feel neglected, in the end, he is the one who still chose to look at other women WHO HE KNOWS - not just a faceless, emotionless stranger from a web site. The fact that he is looking at craigslist, to me, indicates he is not far from a physical encounter.

You are strong, and wise, and beautiful, and caring. And deserve so much more than this.

EveLHaelf
05-19-2010, 05:23 PM
Thank you guys for your support and your advice. I need all the prayers I can get!

He is going to be deploying around july/august and he's going to be gone for 6 months so I am considering bringing up to him that he could use that as his away time and hopefully work on himself then. I'm going to be making it very clear that we will still be married and I expect him to be faithful and such as well during that time.

cbmare
05-19-2010, 05:41 PM
This may be a blessing in disguise. Where is he going?

Oh, thank you for your service, guy. Now straighten up and act like a soldier!

EveLHaelf
05-19-2010, 06:11 PM
This may be a blessing in disguise. Where is he going?

Oh, thank you for your service, guy. Now straighten up and act like a soldier!

;) made me chuckle! He doesn't have an exact location, but either Afghanistan or Iraq....

I believe the time away will give us both enough time to really dig deep inside and figure out what we want, what we don't want and what we are willing to do about it. Call me a fool, but I love him to death and I would do ANYTHING to save our marriage. I expect the same from him or I need to move on.

atreyyena
05-19-2010, 06:12 PM
Hi, i'm going to post stuff on here which i will probably get flamed for, but i'm going to post nonetheless. I think it’s stuff that needs to be said.

someone made the comment that porn was addictive and made the correlation that he didn't ask to sleep around before that. well, i have another thought. You said in the beginning that you realized that he was a lot more sexually liberal than you were, when you first found out about the porn. What if he’s Always been curious about threesomes, or what it would be like to have you be with another guy, but after how vehemently you reacted to the porn he was too terrified to even consider bringing it up to you? I don’t think him mentioning it After watching porn means it automatically happened Because of the porn, that’s entirely erroneous. I think you should ask him about that, perhaps in counseling?

Part two, YES it’s NOT YOUR FAULT directly that this happened while you were working on weight loss, but I think a good case could be made that you played a part in it. There have been studies that say guys need to be able to ejaculate semi-frequently (depends on the guy) or their probability of having prostate problems increases. This DOESN’T mean he should have necessarily done what he did in order to ejaculate, and I’m in no way condoning it, but he did have a legitimate need that Was going unfulfilled. For Eight months. I’ll also say he had a legitimate point about you being unavailable. Guys can feel lonely and depressed too. He should have talked to you more, perhaps, I don’t know what all was said, but his feelings (not actions) should be validated, just like yours.

I also want to address the gender bias here. Everyone it seems see men as sex-fiends unable to control themselves, and if you find one who can’t, just toss him out. I totally doubt there’s a single woman on these boards who, if told the story, “my husband’s in the military, and has been gone for the last eight months…..during that time I’ve looked at pictures of men and actually responded to ads on craigslist, I never met anyone in person but I did see some people in nude pictures, is there any hope for me or my marriage? I’m dying inside worrying that I may have ruined it.”
That would tell this person responding that they’re horrible, there’s no point in them being in a relationship with their husband, and that he should divorce her.
I know this isn’t the Exact thing that happened, but it’s close enough that I think it’s relevant.

It sounds like perhaps his views and preferences with sex and relationships may be incompatible with yours. He wants experimentation and a more liberal relationship. You seem to want a more traditional, conservative one. Have you talked about that much together? If that’s a deal breaker for the two of you, it may be a good idea to separate. But don’t separate because of what’s happened so far, you haven’t even given either one of yourselves (bad grammar, sorry) a chance to work on the relationship. It sounds like both of you want to.

Also, to the poster saying that the guy should be dumped because he’s depressed, that seems pretty harsh. The OP’s depressed too, should she give up? People are emotional beings, and while yes, she probably can’t singlehandedly cure his depression, working their relationship to a place where they’re both at peace with it could help with his depression. It sounds like it hasn’t been a chronic thing, just something brought on by his pain, loneliness and confusion over his and his wife’s actions over the last 8 months.

Just my very long $.02.

EZMONEY
05-19-2010, 06:21 PM
;) .... but I love him to death and I would do ANYTHING to save our marriage. I expect the same from him or I need to move on.

It won't be easy for him where he is going...thank God for our Troops!...but you post wise words...

I would have done anything and did to save my first marriage...but it takes 2 and she didn't want it...

if I knew then what I know now I would have helped her pack her bags when she first wanted out :)...but that was 20 years ago...we are great friend now..and I have been very happily married for almost 16 years :carrot:

so remember what you posted kiddo...I expect the same from him or I need to move on...

wise word...very wise!

Prayers ~ Gary

EZMONEY
05-19-2010, 06:24 PM
Oh and from a male point of view....

looking at porn/pics of women you don't know is usually not an emotional thing...completely physical...

looking at pictures of women you know...well...I truly believe that crosses the line into the emotional area....

cbmare
05-19-2010, 06:31 PM
Oh and from a male point of view....

looking at porn/pics of women you don't know is usually not an emotional thing...completely physical...

looking at pictures of women you know...well...I truly believe that crosses the line into the emotional area....

I quite agree.

saef
05-19-2010, 07:25 PM
There have been studies that say guys need to be able to ejaculate semi-frequently (depends on the guy) or their probability of having prostate problems increases. This DOESN’T mean he should have necessarily done what he did in order to ejaculate, and I’m in no way condoning it, but he did have a legitimate need that was going unfulfilled.

Oh, boy. His legitimate need to ejaculate regularly to prevent future prostate problems is the very least of their issues, I think.

He's a confused, unhappy guy full of unresolved tension & conflict -- his being in the military & being deployed soon helps me understand some of what he's probably dealing with -- but his ensuring that he ejaculates regularly to situations or stimulus outside the marital relationship is really not going to solve much more than short-term buildup of tension.

I think the counseling that Eve (for short) is advising him to get & that she'll look into herself sounds like a sensible way to go. For now. And will help her reflect on their relationship & her options. Her counselor will hear more of her story than we got in a single post on a message board & can help her with day-to-day coping with a situation that is clearly causing her pain.

Anyone who posts here on any issue at all is obviously going to get answers with a bias in their favor. She asked for our support. We're giving it. It's how message boards work. It is indeed one-sided. But it's impossible to judge this stuff as impartially as Solomon or a good couples counseling session. We don't pretend to offer anything else than our various insights & above all, support for a soul who's in need & clearly unhappy & distracted.

EZMONEY
05-19-2010, 07:31 PM
Oh, boy. His legitimate need to ejaculate regularly to prevent future prostate problems is the very least of their issues....

:rofl: I can tell all you women the reason guys do it is because it feels good! There is no guy out there under the age of 50 worried about prostate problems...most of us over 50 aren't either ;)

astrophe
05-19-2010, 07:32 PM
I'm not saying she should dump him "just because of depression." But I've lived with depressed people who were untreated. It is challenging, and in the end both got treatment. But it would have spared a lot of pain and years of anguish had they both sought treatment SOONER rather than later. Having been there twice, I'm not all keen to go there again. To me, refusing treatment would be a deal breaker. I couldn't be with an untreated depressed person and have to live in the line of fire again. But that's just me.

I don't think it is harsh to point out she could think about where her personal limits are and clarify what she's prepared to do/not do since he says he's depressed and feeling aimless.

I am going to be making an appointment for marriage counseling. He has stated that he doesn't feel like it will help, but I'm not ready to just throw away those 5 years. I am willing to fight, but only if he is. I'm not going to fight to hold on to something that is just going to burn me again.


This stuff may be something she wants to talk to her counselor about. Like... am I ok living with an untreated depressed person? Am I ok living with a depressed person only if they are in counseling and making an effort? What is "effort?" Am I ok being apart for a while if this is what it takes for healing to happen? Do I have a support system for me?

And it goes twofold if she is depressed too. He probably has to think it all over from his perspective too. Is HE ok living with... etc.

Sometimes when both are depressed, they can feed off each other and get stuck in negative cycles. The best solution for healing may include a separation to break out of that. Then see later about regrouping or not.

Only the two in the relationship can work on this and seek professional aid.

I wish them both well -- GL EveLHaelf!

best,
A.

atreyyena
05-19-2010, 09:08 PM
I guess i was just trying to put out a couple of points that involved the idea that BOTH of them were a part of the path that they've gone down, not just him.
I think what the guy did was totally inexcusable within the boundaries of the relationship they had, but I felt like he was being demonized.
If that didn't come across properly, I apologize.

Better luck next time!

EZMONEY
05-19-2010, 09:55 PM
ATREYYENA...don't worry about it!

These type of threads always cause someone to get their panties in a bunch!

Sometimes what we type does not come across as we really "feel" and sometimes it does...sometimes it P'off someone...too bad...so sad...

EveLHaelf
05-19-2010, 10:17 PM
atreyyena, you make very good points. What if he was interested in all that before? I have communicated with him, apologizing for being so judgemental and making him feel like he couldn't talk to me about those things before. We've talked this evening and he's told me they are just fantasies. I'm sure a lot of guys have similar fantasies so now I don't feel so bad. And I have been reading books on understanding how men work and I completely agree that BOTH of our choices led us here, not just his. I have apologized to him for neglecting his needs and we are working on that issue. I have also made it clear to him that his needs are valid and I respect them. We both agree that we love eachother and want to work on our relationship.

EZ- I have learned that the porn thing is completely physical and have been making peace with that. And I agree that he did cross the line by looking at pics of someone he knew. he has admitted to being lonely because of my neglect and he even said that when he was chatting it was mostly just chatting, not flirty, but just conversation. What he wasn't getting from me. My eyes have realy been open and I am working on never letting the man I love feel neglected by me ever again.

I appreciate everyone's point of view on this subject and EZ it has been a huge help hearing from a guys pov as well. He really is a wonderful man, and I'm going to help him find himself again. :hug:

Justwant2Bhealthy
05-19-2010, 11:14 PM
:hug: Honey, it goes without saying that we all feel for you that you are having this kind of struggle in your marriage. I will also send up some prayers for you too. You are a cutie and you deserve to be loved and cherished and wanted, just like we all do. We all want that for you too! BTW, :congrat: on losing over 100 lbs -- that is sooo awesome!

Several things bothered me about what your DH says -- even though I am a social worker/counsellor, I will speak personally here: This man admits he had this problem before getting married and didn't tell you (withholding important info). He is obviously addicted to porn; there is no doubt of that or he could have and should have stopped when you asked him to (simply becuz it hurts you).

Plus, the fact that he went on Craiglists to SHOP for another women is breaking the marriage vows of you and you only ... fidelity is the word! ;) Then to ask you to do things that break those vows again, and to ask permission to cheat on you (adultery is the word) is bothersome to me also; this is going from bad to worse, in my opinion.

I think the things he said were very hurtful, but you need to ask some important questions of this man. Does he want to stay married? Does he intend on cheating and continuing offensive behavior? Is he willing to get both personal and marriage counselling? Is he willing to grow up and be the man and husband he promised to be?

Sex is not the cure for all that ails ya; where people got that idea from, I don't know. But trying to cure his outofcontrol desires by delving into more illicit behavior will only make the situation worse, not better; for you and him. You are young and if you don't get the answers you need to those important questions, you need to know that there are men out there that would love you the way you need to be loved. Don't apologize for being you.

I'm very old-fashioned myself; I DO think porn is a mind form of adultery, but that is my opinion and my right to it. We each have to be honest and ask where we draw the line at for our happiness. Don't waste untold years trying to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed or saved or helped or changed ...

Women tend to be too self-sacrificing in marriage; I know, I do it myself sometimes. Remember that YOU matter too! YOU deserve happiness and peace and a marriage that doesn't compromise your personal values. I do understand that you want to try to save your marriage if you can; but like GARY reiterated, just be sure to draw the line where it needs to be drawn; he's a soldier, he should understand that.

I will pray for you ... :hug:

CrystalZ10
05-20-2010, 02:56 AM
Have you asked him if he's actualy cheated on you while you were gone, or when he's been away from you? If he has and hides it, he's exposing you to a lot of health dangers and you need to take that into consideration.

I think the fact that he refuses to stop watching porn is a clear sign that he doesn't respect you or the marriage.

Him blaming you for his actions is cowardly and WAY off base. My hubby NEVER has to beg for sex. He wants it, he gets it. We rarely go one day without it. Yet it didn't stop him from making out with another woman and sticking his hand down her pants. The blame was fully on his shoulders and he is taking steps to change. He stopped drinking, which was a main cause, and I know for sure, how hard that is for him, but he did it to keep our marriage intact.

I'd try the couples therapy first if he is willing, but he's already admitted he doesn't think it will work. You need to brace yourself for a possible seperation from him, if he refuses to change. Start saving some money up now, and if you need to leave, you'll be able to. If things work out, take a trip with him somewhere romantic.

If he does change and stops, you have to (as someone already said) really, truely forgive him and move past it. Its SO hard to do, but it can be done.

I am so sorry your going through this right now. {{hugs}}

fillupthesky
05-20-2010, 03:00 AM
i'm sorry Eve (for short), did your husband agree to go to some kind of therapy or not? i re-read the whole thread, and i'm not sure if i read that or not...

Song of Surly
05-20-2010, 12:06 PM
Oh man. Soapbox time.

I've been through something similar myself, Eve, and I can tell you that making convenient excuses for him is not going to help the problem. So you may feel that you were "neglecting" him. That, love his heart, he just couldn't control his impulses, and he was just so lonely. Yeah, well, there's a lot of other ways for him to confront those problems other than looking at pictures of some girl he knows and flirting with online babes. If you're truly willing to work on this, and truly willing to forgive him, then you've got to wipe away those cliche, haven't-we-heard-them-all-before excuses and truly look at his actions. The both of you do. The more you keep muddying the waters with those convenient one-liners, the less resolution the both of you are going to get. You are going to be left feeling bitter, and he is going to be left with a whole lot of rope to go chasing after cars with.

Just please… do not sacrifice your happiness because he is unwilling to control himself. I have given the same litany of excuses because I was afraid to move on and live my life without a guy, which culminated into a case of him flirting around with some girl he knew personally on Myspace and physical infidelity (turns out, him wanting to “find himself” was just him wanting to bang some girl at work). YOU are the arbiter of your own happiness. You can only control YOUR own actions, and YOU are the only one in control of them. If he is willing to learn this lesson as well, then more power to the both of you. I’m sure things will work out quite a lot better than in my case; however, if he’s not willing, then you have stop this cycle of you making all the excuses for him and none for yourself.

I really hope he stands up and becomes a responsible individual. <3 Best of luck to you both.

/ soapbox.

Amy8888
05-20-2010, 12:19 PM
Having been the depressed one in a relationship, I KNOW it must be hard to live with. I am sure that contributed to ending that relationship I described above. In a sense I felt it was unfair that he was unwilling to acknowledge a real illness as part of the problem (we were both psychology grad students at the time--although we were not clinical psychology students, we both knew a lot about the physiological roots of depression). The simple fact is I was undiagnosed AND it's hard to deal with a depressed person. Try as I might to put the blame on him for things going downhill, it was definitely a joint problem. Although I do still blame him for the way things ended.

BUT...on the plus side, when he refused to go to see a counselor with me that day and I decided then and there to end it, I still went to see a counselor myself. I sat in the office, filling out form after form, and was FINALLY diagnosed with depression. I was prescribed Paxil and I've been on some kind of anti-depressant ever since. (I got off a couple of times but learned I pretty much need to be on something all the time...genetics and so on). That was the (immediate) bright side of that relationship ending...it was the impetus for me to get some much-needed help.

While it may seem especially cruel to dump someone already affected by depression, sometimes that is just the wake up call a depressed person needs to seek help.

Eve, I am glad to hear that you will be separated as a result of deployment. I think that will give you both a chance to think things through and get some breathing room. I think if you can hang in there until the deployment and give your husband a heads-up of what you will be thinking through while he is gone, you will probably come to a much better place than making any rash decisions right now. I know it will be rough though, so best of luck.

JustBeckyV
05-20-2010, 03:56 PM
the way I see it the problem isn't so much the porn but the lies and the deceit. I know it's hard to see past all that right now and the fact that you love him. But yanno love isnt supposed to hurt that much. You need to be happy and if he isn't willing to give that to you then you need to get it.

Big huggles - I know it's not easy.

SouthLake
05-20-2010, 05:16 PM
How do you really feel about porn?

Not how should feel about it. Not "it's natural" not "it's purely physical". Does the thought of your husband looking at pictures of naked make you feel upset, depgraded, jealous, insufficient? None of these are questions that you have to answer to me, or anyone on these boards. They are, however, questions you need to ask of yourself.

My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years and married for just short of four. Two years ago, I found some pornography tapes that my husband had hidden from me. I was crushed. Literally, crushed. I felt inadequate, hurt, and incredibly depressed. The fact that porn is extremely common, that not all women mind it, etc. is irrelevant. The only thing that mattered in our marriage was how I felt about it. When I confronted my husband, he agreed to stop vieing porn. Not necessarily because he felt it was wrong, but because it hurt me.

Your husband is choosing to continue to participate in activities that cause you pain and emotional anguish. He is also using emotional manipulation to convince you that he is reaching out for other things because of you. The fact that he blames efforts related to your weightloss bothers me even more. I wonder how much of his perceived "neglect" comes from a boost in self confidence that you've received as a result of your weightloss. As an insecure person, I imagine he is threatened by your increase in self confidence and esteem. There is no justification for him to reach outside your marriage- I'm sorry but in my opinion, someone who is reaching out to cheat on their spouse will do so whether the relationship is good or bad. If he's feeling neglected, he needs to speak up like an adult, not act out like a pet who chews your shoes or pees on the rug when they get mad. If I'm completely honest, the justifications you are giving for his behavior sound eerily similar to the justifications I hear from women in abusive relationships.

And- you need to stop reading these books on marriage. Really. It is not your duty as a wife to provide him with never ending sex (in multitudes of positions! with toys! with other people! however he wants it! with whoever he wants!) a spotless house, gourmet meals and freshly pressed laundry in order to be a good wife. What you need to do is be a team that can help eachother reach goals, discuss life problems openly and honestly, pick up a little slack from eachother when necessary, and always have the utmost respect for eachother.

Before you write me off as a liberal femi****- I follow a conservative and traditional marriage model. I kept "obey" in my marriage vows, I submit to my husband. But, I do so knowing that my husband is more concerned about my happiness than his own, and I'm more concerned about his happiness than my own. With each person looking out for the other, everyone's needs are taken care of. You are more concerned about your husband's happiness than your own- but does he do the same for you?

Good luck with counseling and I'm sorry if I came across as harsh. Hopefully you can resolve this issue (in one way or another) and get to a much better peace of mind. Sending positive thoughts your way!

EveLHaelf
05-21-2010, 12:38 AM
I love hearing all sorts of different opinions. Even the 'harsh' ones. Sometimes that's what we need, is some tough love.

I do agree that when I asked him to stop looking at porn and he refused, that that should have been a red flag. But (here i go defending him again) he has extremely cut down on the amount of time he spends watching it. He's gone weeks without it. It's something I've come to terms with within myself. I don't let it bother me nearly as much anymore. But I'm certainly not going to learn to accept having other people join us in the bedroom. I draw the line with that.

I'm looking forward to his deployment because I'm going to utilize that time to continue to work on myself and being more independent. I will live and take care of myself without him around and see how I feel. I also know that he will be appreciating me a lot more while he is gone, he'll be missing me and hopefully realize i need treated better.

dragonwoman64
05-22-2010, 01:52 PM
making convenient excuses for him is not going to help the problem. So you may feel that you were "neglecting" him. That, love his heart, he just couldn't control his impulses, and he was just so lonely. Yeah, well, there's a lot of other ways for him to confront those problems other than looking at pictures of some girl he knows and flirting with online babes. If you're truly willing to work on this, and truly willing to forgive him, then you've got to wipe away those cliche, haven't-we-heard-them-all-before excuses and truly look at his actions. The both of you do. The more you keep muddying the waters with those convenient one-liners, the less resolution the both of you are going to get. You are going to be left feeling bitter, and he is going to be left with a whole lot of rope to go chasing after cars with.

Just please… do not sacrifice your happiness because he is unwilling to control himself. I have given the same litany of excuses because I was afraid to move on and live my life without a guy, which culminated into a case of him flirting around with some girl he knew personally on Myspace and physical infidelity (turns out, him wanting to “find himself” was just him wanting to bang some girl at work). YOU are the arbiter of your own happiness. You can only control YOUR own actions, and YOU are the only one in control of them. If he is willing to learn this lesson as well, then more power to the both of you. I’m sure things will work out quite a lot better than in my case; however, if he’s not willing, then you have stop this cycle of you making all the excuses for him and none for yourself.

I really hope he stands up and becomes a responsible individual. <3 Best of luck to you both.

/ soapbox.


I thought these sounded like wise words. I personally don't necessarily look at porn as cheating. He did alot more than that, though. And while I agree that a relationship is dependent on the efforts of both people, he seemed very willing to grasp onto your wanting to accept a lot of the blame for "neglecting" him. From what you've written, I didn't get the sense that he came to you to try to solve that problem before he turned elsewhere.

I think it would be a good idea to closely listen to what he's telling you. On one level I think he is trying to be honest with you. From what you've written of what he's said, it sounds to me like he's seriously struggling with being in a committed relationship. It can be a time wasting and heartbreakingly sorrowful process to tell yourself that someone will change (I speak from experience). this is about maturity and integrity, in my mind, to a large extent. I get he has depression and coping issues, and huge stressors (going to Iraq or Pakistan). that's my feedback, I hope it helps.

:hug:s and prayers. and all my best to you in whatever decisions the two of you make.

cbmare
06-17-2010, 07:33 PM
How are things going for you now?

souvenirdarling
06-18-2010, 12:58 AM
Hi Eve, hope things are going better and that some time has helped.

K8-EEE
06-18-2010, 01:46 AM
It broke my heart to read your post, I know exactly how you feel. Please don't lose sight of your own self and your own goals because that will see you through. You cannot control your husband's actions, unfortunately, and he has shown a disturbing pattern of behavior and he has not been honest with you about any of it. I know it must be hard to visualize life without him but to be honest with you I would be outta there. Don't blame yourself because it has nothing to do with you! Focus on you and your future, you deserve THE BEST.

Serval87
07-22-2010, 07:45 AM
[QUOTE=

I'm very old-fashioned myself; I DO think porn is a mind form of adultery, but that is my opinion and my right to it. We each have to be honest and ask where we draw the line at for our happiness. Don't waste untold years trying to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed or saved or helped or changed ...

[/QUOTE]


My thoughts exactly.

First off, I'm glad to hear that you two are trying to work things out, but here are some things you might want to consider. Please don't take these the wrong way. I mean no harm.

I think his 'depression' is fake. He had this nice little thing going, and you found out about it so now he has to quickly whip out some crocodile tears and get your pity. IMHO, he does not deserve your pity. Why should you pity him? He is the one who messed up. Not you.

You do not owe him anything. You were in the process of getting healthy and bettering your life, and he has to pull this crap? He couldn't have just came out and said, "Honey, I wish you would spend more time with me. I feel neglected." instead of going off and practically cheating on you?

Now he wants a foot in both the single life and his life with you. Like one of the others above said, that is not fair to you. You deserve better than that. Also, I think it's disgusting that he wants you to date other men. The only reason he's giving you the go is because he wants to see other women. I know it's hard to hear that, but it's most likely true, and I'm so sorry.

And then he has the audacity to say that he hates his life.... his life with you. It sounds to me like he's insulting you. No way. I would leave his @$$. It's better to get out before children are involved.

I know it feels like he's the one. It always does when you're with someone (especially when you've been together for years), but maybe he's not. If he truly loved you he wouldn't constantly hurt you like that.

But, if you honestly think there's a chance that he could change then I would definitely go to marriage counseling. Just take a little breather and some space and reevaluate your life. Think of what you want to do, who you want to be, and see if maybe someone else might be better suited for you in the long-run.

I hoped this helped, and please don't be offended by anything. i just can't stand it when men do things like that to women.

LLH2010
07-22-2010, 08:03 AM
First of all, I am so sorry to hear this. My heart is just breaking for you, and I can't imagine the kind of pain you are going through. The porn isn't a big deal to me, he doesn't know those women, can't touch them, etc. (my opinion might change if my husband was looking at it though) but the secrecy and the pictures of real women that he knows, and communicating with other women like that is WRONG. It is cheating and you deserve better than that. I haven't gone through this so I have no advice, I just wish I could give you a hug! I hope things get better for you soon!

LLH2010
07-22-2010, 08:05 AM
And don't blame yourself, he didn't do this because he was neglected. He was doing it before you started your weight loss journey, correct? So don't for one second think it was because of something you did wrong.

EveLHaelf
07-24-2010, 03:44 PM
Hi everyone, sorry I haven't updated on the situation in a while. Just been barely getting by.

Well I ended up being off plan and not exercising for about 2 months. I'll admit I let my own depression control my actions for a while. I've recently snapped out of it though. I'll get into that a bit later.

I was trying to be the supportive wife for those two months. Give him positive feedback, cook meals and eat together, I stayed up with him and we went to bed together. Then he went away for about a week to california for training. I later found out that the very last day he was there and couldn't sleep he chatted with another woman. I had covered some bases in the past and was able to recover the chat word for word. It was heartbreaking to read. At the end of the chat he messsaged her saying "I can't continue chatting with you I am married I just can't do this anymore, goodbye" he came home and I wasn't there. I went to a friends house and we prayed and she just helped me to calm down. I started getting texts from my hubby "where are you, when are you comeing home?" I came home and he was soooooo sweet. Just wanting to hold me and kiss me and he wanted to know what me and my friend talked about. I said "our relationship" and he got worried "what about honey? whats wrong?" I just looked at him and said "can't you even ADMIT to me what you did?" and he did admit it then finally. I don't quite remember what happened the rest of that night it was a while ago. But I made an appointment with a chapplain to get some sort of counseling going right away. I went first by myself and got out the situation. We then went together to see the chaplain and he really got through to my husband. He kept trying to say "i don't know what i want, i hate my life" and the chaplain finally got him to see that the porn hurt me and the chatting was completely destructive. and he got him to agree to continue to work on the relationship. That night he told me he would stop looking at porn. He has never ever said anything like that before, nor would he even admit that it was hurting me.So that in my mind was huge progress. Throughout the weeks I checked up on him and no porn no chatting. He made an appointment with mental health to get checked out and the guy diagnosed him with "Adjustment disorder with depressed symptoms" Meaning basically he has an inability to adjust to our move to idaho and what not. He's been going to group therapy (which is the only treatment for this apparently) and I saw that he was doing good even his therapist commented on his lightened mood.

Then he went to more training. This time it's for 35 days (he's still gone. only been gone for about 9 days) The first night he was there he tried to contact the same person from last time (the "i can't do this anymore i'm married" girl) Well I didn't have any time to calm down then. I got on fb and started messaging him rampantly. We had a HUGE fight. Before any time I would find something on his computer and confront him about it he would admit to it. this time he tried to outright lie to me which he has never done before. Well we said a lot of hurtful things to eachother. I told him I was done. I wans't going to keep cleaning his house and packing up his stuff. I was just going to fly back home to pennsylvania and leave everything here for him to worry about and I was done absolutely done with his crap. More anger more hurtful words back and fourth and he finally says "I hate that you just want to up and leave me and not wait until i get back to talk in person" That made the convo take a much softer turn. We talked and I told him that I also have a lot of self esteem issues and i also need to get some individual counseling for myself as well. He said "There is no reason for me to do what I did. I don't even understand why I did it." I feel that's some progress. I explained to him that I've loved him for over 5 years and that I finally looked inside myself and realized that throughout our relationship i'd been so deep into my depression that i wasn't a very good g/f and then a wife. I had prayed and asked god to show me where I was in the wrong. He really softened up after hearing this and he actually for the first time every said "i believe we can work this out." He finally not only expressed a WANT to work things out but a belief that we can do it. He said "I know i've said this before but i swear to you no more chatting." That I didn't even respond to because the trust is completely shattered and I didn't believe him. I just told him that both of us need to be willikng to take whatever actions necessary to change ourselves for the better and to re build the relationship. He agreed (also first time)

SO I feel that me finally telling him enough was enough and telling him i was going to leave was the slap in the face he needed? We have signed up for a couple's weekend when he gets back. It is a workshop for couples who are about to deploy and just a strengthening seminar for marriages. We are both looking forward to that. Since he's been gone Ive been hanging out with my friend who has been with me the wholel time and she's very christian. I started going to church with her and I really feel that God has helped me to realize my part in the downfall of our relationship as well. He's helped me to realize that I need to stop dwelling on the negatives and start working on myself as a person and not obsess over his internet history right now while he is gone and we can't talk in person. I've done a ton of praying these past few days and I really feel like he is giving me strength and love for myself so I can handle this situation. I started going to individual counseling for myself and this guy is also going to be our couples counselor when hubby gets back from training. I know we won't have that much time before he deploys but something is better than nothing. I actually feel like God has told me that he has a plan for us and that we will be able to get through these tough times and come out stronger. He's given me hope. And a few months ago I wasn't even sure if God existed!

I'm back on plan exercising and eating foods that are good for my body and mind. I'm being loving and supportive of my husband while he is away and giving us both something to look forward to when he gets back (the couples seminar) and I'm just focusing on ME. I'm not going to let his actions dictate how I react. I'm finally not thinkin gof myself as a victim. And that's huge. While he is gone we are both working on lists of things that the other person can do to make the other feel more loved. also what we would like the other to do or not do. I feel a huge part of our problem is communication.

But anyway sorry this turned out so long! Just wanted to let you all know that I am full of hope, and I've realized my faults in this and am working on them. I am finally loving ME and instead of putting all my love towards my husband (in a completely unhealthy obsessive sort of way) I am giving some of that to myself. Thank you all for your support and advice! I love hearing from all of you and it means a lot that people who don't even know me care! :hug:'s to all!

ETA: not sure if i mentioned this above but he has agreed to couples' and individual counseling for himself! :D

Serval87
07-25-2010, 12:09 PM
I'm happy to see that you two are trying to work everything out, and that you're turning to God for help. Good luck with everything. I hope it all works out for you.

cbmare
03-18-2011, 01:12 PM
Have things continued to improve for you?

cbmare
05-20-2011, 07:14 PM
Eve hasn't posted since January. I hope everything is OK. If he was deploying in Aug. for 6 months, then that would be about the time he would have returned.

I sincerely hope all is well.

LuvMyMr
05-25-2011, 12:35 PM
Personally I don't have a problem with porn provided that it isn't being used instead of me. My OH and I sometimes watch porn together.

However, I would definitely have a problem with himj having nude pics of women that he knows and with him MSNing other women - that is crossing the line.

As for the rest - he has to choose. He either wants you in his life, or not. He can't play around outside the marriage but still have you whenever he wants you - that's not fair on you at all.

I would spell it out to him plainly and simply. It's 100% you, or nothing. Don't settle for anything less or he will walk all over you. Oh, and you HAVE to mean it, and be prepared to carry it out also.


I agree word for word with this!!!! I like porn sometimes and my hubby and I watch it probably me more than him lol. Anyway him responding to ads and wanting you to be with other men and him feeling he is missing something is pure bs ok? What he wants is to have his cake and eat it too! He wants to do his thing and if it doesn't work out, have you to fall back on (literally I guess!) Either he is with you or not with you! I have had a cheating spouse before so I know the heart break and sadness. I got over it and although it wasn't easy I made it and I now sit back and wonder why the **** I wanted to stay with him!! He had pictures of a woman cowoker in her panties. You don't think he suggested it? Why would she send him a picture like that if nothing is going on or in the process of going on? I have had co worker send me pics and none were like that! You need to ask him what he wants to do it's either with you or not with you and once you make up your mind stick to it! TRUST ME I have been there! I know!! See if he will go to therapy to get his head together although I think that's an excuse but whatever. I will give him the benefit of the doubt. IF yes then I think the relationship can be saved. If no then you need to seriously think of a divorce because if he loved you and wanted you in his life he would do whatever he can to get well in order to make the marriage work. Now I have battled depression for many years. I went to therapy and yes it caused me to gain a lot of weight but it worked and I am better. I hope this can be worked out as it seems you love him and want to be with him. Good luck and please keep us updated!

LuvMyMr
05-25-2011, 12:38 PM
Eve hasn't posted since January. I hope everything is OK. If he was deploying in Aug. for 6 months, then that would be about the time he would have returned.

I sincerely hope all is well.

Me too!!!