Weight Loss Support - NO support whatsoever...




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MarthaMyDear
05-08-2010, 05:52 AM
I just realized that one of the biggest roadblocks to any fat loss and bodily health for me comes from not having any support-- from ANYONE.

My husband is not supportive. For him, he doesn't really want a say in how much I should weigh or anything like that because he feels that isn't his place, which I can understand his viewpoint. However, what I would like to see support me in is making sure I cook healthy meals, have access to healthy snacks, exercise with me every now and then, and not chide me for eating a few pretzels because I'm stressed. Yes, I am an emotional-overeater.

Not placing blame here, but my husband cannot let go of his unhealthy snacks, such as chips, cookies, chocolate, crackers, candy, etc. He insists that they're the easiest things for him to obtain but the truth is, so are fruits and veggies! I feel like he makes excuses to prevent me from buying what we really need and somehow believes that there's no reason why we can't eat exactly the same! (sigh). There are days where I want to defy him completely and just say screw it...I am going to buy the foods that my body NEEDS to eat.

Then there's lack of support from friends, family, and coworkers. Whenever I tried to share a goal with someone, such as I avoided sugar all week (like cookies, candy, that sort of stuff), they usually ask "what for?" Then when I explain to them what I'm doing, they start to say "oh you don't need to lose weight! What's wrong with you??" or even "you do NOT weigh that much, you're such a liar!" or "You need to accept the way God made you." (I really dislike that one, it's such a blasphemous use of His name!). You see the reason why I share these things with others is because I would really appreciate the support. I don't need people pitying me or telling me that I'm just fine and why am I doing this to myself or that I am crazy for wanting to lose unhealthy weight. It's gotten to the point where I haven't shared anything with others for months now. I'm also seeing a therapist for some other issues and she told me that it's not healthy for me to not share these things because what I need is support, and it can cause others to feel suspicious about my motives for losing weight, and cause them to further sabotage my efforts. The truth is, I don't think it would really matter because no one believes that I'm 180 pounds on a 5'4" height anyway:(

I guess what I want is someone to say to me after I tell them that I'm trying to lose weight, or how difficult it's getting, is "You're right, losing weight is difficult but it'll be worth it. Just keep trying," or "I support what you're trying to do for your health, good for you," or even a "Hey, that's a good idea what you're doing. I should give it a try." I've also tried getting a weight loss buddy but unfortunately that hasn't worked out too well. I don't need someone to be harsh and punitive with me, like say "wow you ARE fat" or tell me "aww you're beautiful just the way you are." Does anyone get what I'm saying here?

What made things worse one time was back when I was thinner-- I was on a really good habit of eating healthily all the time (it became second nature, I didn't even think about it). I didn't eat fattening foods, sweets, or junk. Whenever I would get invited to go out, such as at a restaurant, or a barbecue others would make me feel guilty for not "living it up" by eating a greasy burger or ordering dessert or eating chips. When I tried to explain my reasoning, I was told that I needed to "lighten up" and "give myself a break". The way I see it, it's my health and my body...why should I ever need to take a break from taking care of my body? But things got so bad that I would feel so guilty and cave into that grease or sugar just to appease everyone so they thought I was normal (sigh).

I just want objective advice and support. Unfortunately I can't get that from the people who are close to me, because they either so things that eventually sabotage my efforts, or dissuade me.


srmb60
05-08-2010, 06:33 AM
That's why 3FC is so successful. Support.
24 hours a day, 7 days a week you can come here and read and be sturdier in your determination.

JayEll
05-08-2010, 08:10 AM
Folks at 3FC can help cheer you on. Also, have you considered finding a weight loss support group like Weight Watchers or TOPS? For WW it does cost to attend the real-life groups, but for those who like support, it can be helpful.

You can't predict or control what the reactions of others will be when you tell them you are trying to lose weight. Also, some people tend to make it their business once you say anything, and the next thing you know you're being watched. It's like they have made themselves the diet police.

This is why I did not tell anyone except my SO and my two sisters that I was trying to lose weight. After awhile others began to notice, and I could deal with that. But I didn't get into conversations about numbers and methods--I just said thanks for the compliments and moved on.

It is up to YOU to control what you put in your mouth. No one else is making you eat anything. Yes, sometimes there is a lot of pressure in a restaurant where everyone thinks that eating crappy, unhealthy food is having a good time. But you do not need to base what you eat on whether they approve.

If someone you're out with tells you you need to have a good time by eating crappy food, you can reply, "I'm having a good time by being here with you. Or at least, I was until you started to pick on what I'm eating." This can be said with a smile!

Buy the foods you need. Don't worry about what your husband is eating. Don't let him chide you.

And for support--find a support group where people are working toward a common goal. :)

Jay


rockinrobin
05-08-2010, 08:49 AM
Totally and completely agree with the two (wise) previous posters.

Support would be wonderful, but honestly - it's not necessary. One can achieve weight loss with or without anyone's help - because ultimately it's up to us. It's in our own hands. We hold the key. It's our choice. Which is a good thing. We don't have to rely on anyone - but ourselves.

Make your own rules and abide by them. Ignore what others do and what others say. Love yourself more than caring about what others say. Stand by your principles. Don't let others sway you. It's much more about what they're not doing than what you ARE doing.

Buy your foods, make the right choices while dining out. Make other peoples' food TOTALLY off limits to you. Map out a plan on a daily basis, having the *right* foods ALWAYS available, no reason to eat *anyone elses* and adhere that plan no matter what. Decide to do this, commit to do this - and than get out there and do it!

You don't have to be overweight if you don't want to be. That is the bottom line. For each and every obstacle thrown your way there IS a way to overcome it.

We are here for you 24/7/365. :)

Shmead
05-08-2010, 09:41 AM
My husband is not supportive. However, what I would like to see support me in is making sure I cook healthy meals . . . and not chide me for eating a few pretzels because I'm stressed. Yes, I am an emotional-overeater.


You have to make a choice here--do you want him to be the "food police" or not? Because "I want him to be the food police when I want him to and not when I don't" really isn't fair to anyone.

Personally, I think it's great that my husband is totally uninvolved in my weight loss. This experience is such an emotional roller coaster that I really prefer keeping my marriage out of it: that relationship is one fixed point in a world that is otherwise changing. I mean, I talk about my plans, and he listens in a "yes, dear" sort of way--the way I listen when he talks about his hobbies--and he did take over the grocery shopping for a while, but I am responsible for my behavior, and I like it like that. It's bad enough that I get mad at myself when I slip up, I don't want to be mad at him--or have him be disappointed in me.

Basically, it's his job to be proud of me when I do well, (and he is), but I never want to feel like he'll be disappointed if I fail.

motivated chickie
05-08-2010, 09:57 AM
When I was quitting smoking & a lot of my friends were smoking, I would tell myself that my friends can't be there for me as I quit & they aren't thinking of me dying from emphysema. I detached myself from my smoking friends for a long time while I quit. I still have a few friends that smoke, but I am not tempted to steal their cigarettes anymore.

Onto dieting...

Except for 3FC and other active dieters, I don't want any support of any kind from anybody.

When other people get involved, my co-dependency distracts me from my personal goals. I think about them instead of me. Even compliments on my weight loss stress me out b/c I feel pressure to lose more. I feel like people are watching.

Even my family hasn't said a word & we are all overweight or obese & all trying to lose weight. The only thing I've said to my family is that I am running and getting in shape.

My friends sort of know, but they don't really care. They don't seem bothered when I order a salad instead of a burger when we go out.

I truly prefer doing this on my own & I would hate it if anybody told me what to eat or not to eat or what to do. I wouldn't want to exercise with anybody b/c they'd either be too fast or too slow. I'd feel inadequate with them and compare my body negatively to theirs. :(

But I should mention that I live alone & don't have a boyfriend. If I had somebody bringing chips and snacks home, I'll tell him to either bring single size portions home or lock the extras in a cabinet. I'm fine with another person eating junk, but don't leave the leftovers around. I would eat it in a heart beat.

This is your journey and yours alone. I suggest you turn to 3FC for support... These women and men are fonts of wisdom and experience.

kaplods
05-08-2010, 10:32 AM
You wanted objective, and I'll try to be - but the issue of support is a very subjective. What one person might expect as support, another would view as unproductive or even harmful.

My husband is not supportive. For him, he doesn't really want a say in how much I should weigh or anything like that because he feels that isn't his place, which I can understand his viewpoint.


Many women, including myself would see this as supportive. Having a husband who realizes he probably shouldn't go there, that you're an adult who needs to make choices for herself shows he respects you to make decisions for yourself - and that's the most valuable kind of support. He can't do it for you (and believe me if he tried to do what you're asking, it would backfire, because getting involved in your weight loss puts him in the role of food cop and that never feels supportive, except in our imaginations).



However, what I would like to see support me in is making sure I cook healthy meals, have access to healthy snacks, exercise with me every now and then, and not chide me for eating a few pretzels because I'm stressed. Yes, I am an emotional-overeater.



This is your job, not his. Making sure you do anything is not only not his job - you would not feel happy if he did this. I'm fairly confident of this, because I've never met anyone who enjoyed their SO doing this. Also, what you want is inconsistent. He's supposed to "make sure" you cook healthy and have access to healthy snacks (how can he do that without telling you what to do, or without criticising you), yet he's not supposed to criticise you (chide you for eating something off plan). Your comments suggest that you want him to take control when you don't feel like it, and step back when you want to be in control. That will never work, because men are notoriously bad at reading women's minds (can't say I'm all that good at it, myself).


I feel like he makes excuses to prevent me from buying what we really need and somehow believes that there's no reason why we can't eat exactly the same! (sigh). There are days where I want to defy him completely and just say screw it...I am going to buy the foods that my body NEEDS to eat.

This is about you, not him. You're trying to force your changes onto him, and that's not supportive of his choice. You've got to respect his decision not to diet, as much as you expect his respecting your decision to diet. There is no reason he can't eat the same as he has. You do have the right to buy the food that you want to eat. You can buy what he wants to eat too, or you can tell him he's on his own for "his" food and he'll have to go to the grocery store and get what he wants (that's a bit adversarial, but do what feels right for you). If seeing "his" food bothers you, set aside a cabinet, shelf, footlocker - whatever storage option makes it easier for you to keep your eyes and hands off "his" food.

You have a right to make changes for you, but you don't have a right to make changes for him. It would be great if he wanted to make those changes too, but he's an adult and has to make his own choices. His not being ready is not "non-support" of you.

You do not want your hubby's hand in your weight loss. Even being on the same journey (my husband and I are both dieting) the best support is usually staying out of each other's way. There's not much that we can do to actively support the other, because on the wrong day it feels like judgement, not support. There's no way to "get it right" every time (or even very often). Because commentary, no matter who well-intended always seems like harsh criticism - sabotage instead of support.

Your friends aren't trying to sabotage you, either. They're giving their opinions. If they don't think you're overweight, they're going to say so. Some of their advice isn't all that bad. It might not be right for you, but there are a lot of people it would be perfect for.

That's what you have to understand even here. Even here, there will be a lot of people trying to support you, but some of what we say will be horrible advice for you. You've got to be able to evaluate all the advice and determine what's right for you, and be able to ignore the rest - just as you have to do with your hubby and friends. Instead of feeling resentment for the advice that doesn't feel right, you've got to accept that people give the best advice they can, what's is in their hearts - it doesn't always apply to you (and that doesn't make it inherently unsupportive. They're doing their best. If you take it as such, it will feel like support rather than sabotage - they're trying).

You can ask people to support you by telling them what you'd like from them (you have at least a chance of them trying to comply), but ultimately they respond with their experiences. They may not be able to give you the kind of support you're looking for.

I hope some of what I said helps, it was meant in a supportful spirit. It's advice that helped me when I got it from others here, so I'm passing it on,
but remember if any of this does not apply to you, IGNORE IT.

angelskeep
05-08-2010, 10:33 AM
You're right that it's hard to lose weight. It's hard to eat healthy foods instead of junk. And it's hard for anyone who isn't there to understand why they can and you can't.

That having been said, you need to do what is best for YOU. Period. If hubby eats junk, let him. You don't have to eat the same things. If coworkers don't support you, then you can either give in and feel awful, or you can keep right on doing what you know is in your own best interest.

Pehaps the people in your life aren't sure how to support you. Maybe there are some of them that you can talk to and explain exactly what it is that you need so they will know. They can't read your mind and if they truly care, then the things they say or do aren't meant to deliberately sabotage you. They may just not know a better way and you can show them...kindly...

No matter what, you need to figure out your own priorities and goals, and then everything that comes along, you can decide for yourself if it furthers those goals or impedes progress, and your actions need to be appropriate for the answer.

Good luck to you and *HUGS*. Don't give up, just find a way to make it work and if one way doesn't then try another.

Barb

stella1609
05-08-2010, 11:34 AM
The only reason I've been able to lose the weight is because I figured out how to be self-motivated. These forums are great for support, but I truly don't NEED that support (I hang around more for the useful advice :) ). I'm totally responsible for my own habits. I enjoy cooking great food for my boyfriend, and going to the gym with my friend from work, but if he went out of town for a week and she took a week off from working out, I'd still be on plan. I think it's vitally important to your success that you find that place where you enjoy and appreciate the encouragement, but you don't NEED it.

RoseRR
05-08-2010, 11:43 AM
Look when it comes to weight loss support I think there is no better place then here. Plus as everyone else said losing weight is up to you.

ohmai
05-08-2010, 11:52 AM
I don't always have the most popular opinion on things or the most tact -- so before you read this, know that I support your efforts and I know how hard it is. I'm glad you're here at 3FC :)

It seems to me that you are just looking for someone to blame. And pointing fingers at people who are trying not to hurt you isn't going to help you and it's not really an excuse for not committing to what YOU know is healthy for YOU. It's nice that your husband, family, friends and coworkers accept you as you are. What do you realistically expect? This is your journey-- and you direct the ride... no one else.

Look at this:


My husband is not supportive. For him, he doesn't really want a say in how much I should weigh or anything like that because he feels that isn't his place, which I can understand his viewpoint. (you say this is OKAY. And it IS. Good!)

However, what I would like to see support me in is making sure I cook healthy meals, have access to healthy snacks, exercise with me every now and then, and not chide me for eating a few pretzels because I'm stressed. Yes, I am an emotional-overeater. (You might need to read this twice-- you want him to have the responsibility of doing what YOU need to do for YOURSELF - make sure you cook healthy and have access to healthy snacks - He's your husband, not your mother! You want him to make sure you have these things, but not say a word when you decide to cheat on your own when you eat due to stress. That's contradictory ;) )



I didn't say those things to be ugly. I had this too. I blamed my husband for being too supportive and trying to do EVERYTHING with me and asking so many questions that it seemed I was trying to tailor the diet to him and tend to him that I had not time to focus on what I needed for myself. And then I blamed him for trying to sabatoge my efforts by insisting on junk snacks. (I'm sort of South Beaching, FWIT, and he wants to have his beloved triscuits and we had the same grocery argument you have now. Eventually, I would replace half of the snacks with things that I wanted and I explained not that I -need- these things, but that I WANT them. It took away his need to try to soothe me and make everything "Okay" by agreeing that I'm fine and can have his junky food. You're a big girl. Take control :)

Tai
05-08-2010, 01:36 PM
Welcome to 3fc's; I hope you'll find some of the support and encouragement you're looking for here.

Support is a nice thing to have, but definitely not necessary for weight loss. I had very little and did okay!

QuilterInVA
05-08-2010, 03:11 PM
You are the only one who is responsible for what you eat and you are not the food police to judge what others are eating. Come here for support. I never discuss my weight loss or what I am doing or my attainment of a goal because it is just boring for the listener. I have no family so I have no support at home. This website is where we can find others to support us because they have the same problems. Come here often.

MarthaMyDear
05-09-2010, 01:43 AM
I think I may need to provide more clarification as to what I was trying to say, because the interpretations on what I initially wrote seem to be off from what I thought I was saying...I apologize for that. It was also 3 in the morning when I wrote the OP:dizzy:

When I said that I wanted my husband to be supportive with me making healthy meals and eating more healthily, I wasn't talking about being the food police or having him look over my shoulder or anything like that. Here's an example: I make a healthy meal and sit down to eat it. My husband will usually start to criticize what I made or what I am eating, telling me that I am either not eating enough, not eating the right kinds of foods, or will make faces of disgust (yes, he is a little immature) or even say things like "ewww, yuck!" or "damn, that looks sorta nasty." Yes, I do try to eat foods that I don't particularly find palatable all the time, but I need to eat them, is what I usually say. Instead of receiving a response like that, I would like him to say "Good job avoiding the cheesecake" or "Sorry I don't want to eat that, but good for you for being healthy". I want my husband to be able to respect my choices for eating.

Someone mentioned that I am forcing him to eat how I want to eat-- unfortunately he received a doctor's order that he needs to start eating more often, and more healthily because for a man of his size, his fat to muscle composition is "off", along with the fact that he's 15-20 lbs. underweight. I have no idea how that works, but that's what the doctor said. We even spoke to a personal trainer with a weight lifting and nutrition background and she told us what we both needed to do as far as eating habits and basic nutrition, so really our choices would be rather similar.

I saw that someone stated I am looking for others to blame. For what, really? Maybe I need to be more clear about this...I often find myself in precarious situations when it comes to eating choices because I am trying to eat more healthily. My husband and I were once invited to a dinner party where almost all the food was drenched in oil, fried, covered in cheese, or dunked in barbecue sauce. I was mindful to not complain about anything and stuck to the water, fruit, veggies, and hummus dip. The hostess then questioned me as to why I wouldn't try her dessert or the cheese dip she made, I almost fumbled in my response and made something up about how the hummus was super filling. In another situation, an aunt served me food that was seriously enough to feed two men and when I only ate 1/4 of it (and was stuffed) she took offense even though I tried to reassure her that the food was good and I was just really full. In these situations, I am not asking anyone to bend over backwards for me and do make the best of it, but I also run the risk of offending others because I don't eat to appease them. And let me tell you...not eating to appease Asian relatives is really tricky.

Before my husband and I were married, I only ate healthily. No mouse could have found a stitch of sweets in my pantry or fridge unless it was premade for a get-together, where I made sure that everyone else ate it and not me. I had no issues with my diet at that time. After my husband and I started living together, he told me that he wasn't going to eat "what food eats" and instead was going to eat whatever he wanted, and he thought I was wasting time trying to plan my meals instead of spending time with him. When I've told him that I am full after eating a meal, he will insist that I continue eating because the amount of food I eat can't make me feel full.

My friends and coworkers also tell me at times that my better eating habits make them "feel bad" and at one time, a coworker implied that I must somehow, think I am better than she was?:?: I wasn't rubbing it in her face, but usually when people see that I don't buy lunch and instead bring in cooked food from home, they usually assume that I am eating healthier.

What I am trying to say is that I am surrounded by negativity in regards to eating healthily and trying to lose weight. It does not make it easy, nor do I think I am always in control as much as I'd like to think.

luciddepths
05-09-2010, 02:14 AM
I feel you Martha, i feel you. :)

I dont have the same issue, but i can understand it. Its hard it almost feels like SABOTAGE! haha but whatcha gotta do is just start cooking for you. If he will "eat whatever he wants when he wants.. " let him. But you stick to yours!

kaplods
05-09-2010, 04:24 AM
I know it can seem like we're piling on negativity. We're not, we're just pointing out pitfalls we've all faced before. Almost everyone seems to start with the impression that one of the biggest obstacles is "lack of support," or "sabotage" from the people in their life.

But so often those words are thrown around too carelessly. People cannot read our minds. They can't be expected anticipate our needs and put our needs above their own (often people are unsupportive, simply because it's not a priority in their life, and many times it probably shouldn't be). And most especially, they will never know the right thing to say at the right time.

Even spouses don't do mindreading very well. If you need something from your husband you have to tell him what that is. And if he can't comply, then you've got to shut him out of your weight loss entirely. My hubby and I can't get in each other's weight loss or healthy eating even a little - because we hurt each other too much. Unintentionally, but "help" feels like criticism when you're emotions are rubbed raw from the stress of the weight loss efforts. It's hard work, and when you're working that hard, it's easy to misinterpret even the best meant advice.

The drastic changes of any lifestyle change are stressful - and stress and diet changes can trigger emotional reactions that would otherwise not be normal. You can be so emotional that NO response is likely to be seen as a supportive one. People are either overinvolved and controlling, or their indifferent and don't care about us, or they're sabotaging and enabling. No response is the right response when you're emotions are raw from the struggle. And weight loss is a struggle. It's hard work, and it triggers physiological changes (including hormonal stuff) that make misinterpreting intentions almost inevitable.

The truth is though that when you assume that others are doing the best they can - it feels like support. It's only when you're assuming that they have destructive motives or that they don't care about you that you feel you have saboteurs or no support.

It's mostly not the other people's real behavior that will drive you crazy - it's your interpretation of it. If you think you have no support - If you think that no one understands your situation, you will feel unsupported and sabotaged.

If you think that most people are trying to help (even if they're bungling it miserably), you will see and feel support.


Perception and interpretation become reality.

yoyoma
05-09-2010, 06:09 AM
Martha -- thank you so much for the clarification. Upon reading your original post, I was under the same impression as many of the responders.

Your situation sounds incredibly frustrating. Most of us face some of the BS from "friends" and relatives but we have an oasis of support -- 3FC is the right place to turn! Again, I'm sorry that the way you phrased your original post caused so much misinterpretation. I'm glad that you took the constructive step to clarify rather than get upset and/or turn away.

And it sounds to me like you are doing all the right things and making great choices in the face of a lot of obstacles. Good job choosing healthy dinners that your hubby disses! Your friends at work "feel bad" because you are eating healthier than they are? Too bad for them! Some day, one or more of them may be inspired to adopt healthier eating and that is so gratifying... to think that you have not only taken the steps needed for good health, but your example has had the same impact on others.

Good luck and please continue to come here for support. Vent about any individual situations you faced. I think that concrete examples are harder to misinterpret than more general situations and so many of us can relate to the difficult social eating situations that you face. And again, good job on making the best of all of them!!!

Shmead
05-09-2010, 08:38 AM
It's ok to hurt people's feelings. Friends come and go in our lives, and even family waxes and wanes. Don't go out of your way to be a jerk, but if people insist on taking offense where none was meant, that's their problem, not yours.

It's also ok to lie. Your diet is none of their business. Say your stomach is "really queasy" or "I think I ate something bad". If pushed, say you have really bad problems right now at "the other end" and that you don't want to risk eating anything so rich.

Heather
05-09-2010, 09:03 AM
When I first started my weight loss journey, I started without my husband, who was also obese. He felt my new way of eating was threatening him and lashed out against what I was doing for a while. I had to figure out how to ignore him and the fatty foods he'd eat in front of me. In some ways, I guess it was good practice for the "real world"! After a few months of my success, he was curious and jumped on board with me!

But I constantly fumble with what's appropriate "support" from him. Sometimes he becomes my excuse for why I haven't exercised or why I eat something I wouldn't otherwise. It's hard to negotiate these kinds of issues in a marriage. I find I am most successful when I can just do what I know is right and not worry about him. Easier said than done sometimes...

Welcome to 3fc!!!

wannabesomebody
05-09-2010, 09:12 AM
How about when you sit down to dinner say, "eat it, say THANK YOU or STFU!"
You could also repeat yourself. Please don't be negative towards me. repeating it over and over and over and it might click.

He doesn't need to eat chemicals and chunk food in order to gain weight healthily. His dr may be off and this might just be who he is. Not everyone fits on a graph chart. Don't make his problem affect your diet though. You can offer to bake him a potato to give to him on the side.

I can understand your social issues. As much as you want to share people don't want to join so just smile and nod and ignore them. Oh you're not having a burger? Nope! Smile and move on.. ignore any further comments with semi rude grunts of acknowledgment.

And as for family situations.. take a tiny bit of every plate so it's not a lie when you tell the hostess how good it was and it was just the best thing you've ever had and then walk over to another guest.

I lived in a culture where it was rude to not eat what you were given. I made my boyfriend something crazy like 7 huge cinnamon rolls (in a country where sugar is not important). I was just going to drop them off and let them sit around or be eaten whatever. He sat down and ate them ALL. I tried to leave and he insisted no I had to stay to see he had eaten them ALL. I then learned it was VERY bad manners to not eat what someone had given you. I felt pretty bad and embarrassed. He wedged every last roll down lol. So yeah.. those situations can be really touchy!

It sucks to not have his complete support or not the way you want it but you are strong and you can do this. Write in your journal and make a fun game of it .. like a secret.. that sounds wrong though. I don't want you closet eating! But I can tell you can do this on your own and come to this place to vent :)

fcmonroe
05-09-2010, 09:39 AM
Wow Martha!! When I read your first post, I was ready to blast you, but it sounds like you are really surrounded by food pushers and second guessers.

I've never been in your situation before, and I'm not sure what the best approach would be. I'm guessing that you've tried all the usual responses. I'm hoping that you can find at least one supportive friend or co-worker.

With the co-workers who criticize for bringing in your lunch, can you claim that you're trying to save money? If they press too hard, say you're saving for a dream vacation. Maybe an around the world trip? Something so outrageously expensive that you can work in years of cheaper healthy lunches.

I don't know what to do about the husband, but then I don't know what to do about mine either. (He's supportive, but has some bad eating habits and portion control issues that drive me batty.)

Good luck and feel free to come here when you do need support! It's a good group.

TamiL
05-09-2010, 09:44 AM
You will find the support and encouragement you need here at 3FC!! I had kind of a similar situation when I started out as well. My husband was supportive and on the diet with me but he didn't really think my weight was a big deal. If you look at my before pictures its obvious that 190 lbs on a 5'3" frame didn't look good. But no one seemed to see it but me. I constantly was told that I didn't need to lose weight. Why are you starving yourself to death? Eat a piece of cake, it won't kill you. My family is really big into food gatherings and it was so hard to be the odd (wo)man out. But with the help from this forum I was able to accomplish my goal and I feel so much better about myself!! You can do this! Support yourself!

angelskeep
05-09-2010, 09:44 AM
Martha, another hug for you. And the same advice. This is about YOU. And if relatives/friends/coworkers are rude enough to try and coerce you into eating, it is fair in return to be rude enough to tell them No. And no excuses needed. As long as they influence your food choices, then they are i control and you are not. If your hubby's dr. told him to do a special diet and he doesn't do it...it's HIS choice.

You'll get support here. And sometimes get advice you don't like. But I hope you can know in your heart of hearts that everyone on here has been on the weight loss journey...most of us still are...and understand the difficulty and the pitfalls and so on and truly want to be supportive and help each other out through a very tough time from a caring and knowing perspective.

When my children were little and I cooked something that made them roll their eyes, I gave them another choice: leave the food I prepared on the plate and go hungry. When they were old enough to drive, I told them there were restaurants down the street. But I didn't cook ninetyleven different meals, nor did I allow them to make me feel bad for cooking good food.

And when some0one offers me food I don't wan to eat because it isn't on my plan, I politely say, "No thank you." and that is the end oif that. If they choose to get upset...TOUGH. My body does NOT need ice cream, chocolte cake, butter, deep fried food. Eating those things caused my problem in the first place. You have NO OBLIGATION to eat everything that is offered.

The quick bottom line is that YOU must set the boundaries for others regarding your food requirements. As long as they know you are flexible, they will wheedle and manipulate until you eat. Once the boundaries are set and enforced (by YOU) then they will have no choice but to respect those limits. NON-NEGOTIABLE!

Barb

Shmead
05-09-2010, 11:07 AM
I thought of another way to put things. People are often not who we want them to be. The thing is, when they behave in a way that makes things more difficult, you have to think "What can I do to work around this?", not "Why can't they be different?". Maybe they should be. But you don't control that, and getting upset and angry at them is the start of a slippery slope where you end up feeling like a victim who can't live the life you want because of other people. That's no way to live.

Have faith that there are solutions to all these problems, and they lie in changing your actions, not in anyone else changing. Coming up with solutions to these problems is difficult--you may spend a week thinking and fretting about a 30 minute work lunch, coming up with responses and strategies--but that's what it takes. This is the hard work, the planning of weight loss--it's not just about what you are going to eat, but how you are going to deal with these situations.

aware210
05-09-2010, 02:46 PM
Ok i'm going try and post and not sound like a witch with a b when i do it.

You cannot make excuses. You are a grown adult. No body can make you eat something you don't want to, no body should make you feel guilty for trying to be healthy. If you feel that they are then F*** them. Its your life, its you body and that's all it comes down to. You have to do what you have to in order to take care of yourself. Those other people are not your responsibility and what you do is none of their buisness.

I am assuming that all these people around you know that you are trying to lose weight. If not maybe explain it to them next time they are pushy. But otherwise, you just have to ignore them. There will always be someone or something, tempting you to eat crap food. It's a fact of life. If it wasn't like that, we would all be healthy already.

Basically it all comes down to you. You are an adult, a strong grown up woman who is perfectly capable of making her own decisions. If you chose to eat junk food, that is your fault, i dont care who you think pressured you into it. And you shouldn't either!! Unless they tied you down and shoved food down your throat, then its all on you. You cant blame people for the mistakes you make. I understand they can sometimes make it harder. but you have to except responsibility and just do whats best for you. You cant make everyone happy. So try and stick to one persona at a time. I suggest starting with you.

Tai
05-09-2010, 03:14 PM
There will always be challenges along the way during weight loss, but you'll find solutions as you go.

For the family members that push food at you, just tell them (as you have) that you are really full, but that you would love to take some home to enjoy later. This way they feel like their food is appreciated and you can either give the food away or dump it into the nearest trashcan.

MissKoo
05-09-2010, 03:40 PM
Well, so much good has been stated here!

You certainly have your challenges set up for you but, yes, it is your life and your health and ultimately your choice. Making big changes can get people in your life scared, annoyed, worried - a lot of folks are put off by change (even if it is for the good). You just have to walk that walk! We're here to support you!

I remember when a close friend of mine in college quit drinking. He was flunking classes, got a dui, really messing up. When he started on his new, sober life a lot of his friends and even some in his family were not supportive! His sister was upset that we wouldn't toast her wedding! I like what he said if someone offered him a drink:

No, thanks. I've had enough.

That being said, you can see how much support and success goes on here. Glad you are here, too!

MarthaMyDear
05-10-2010, 01:11 AM
How about when you sit down to dinner say, "eat it, say THANK YOU or STFU!"

I had to laugh when I saw this. LOL!

It sucks to not have his complete support or not the way you want it but you are strong and you can do this. Write in your journal and make a fun game of it .. like a secret.. that sounds wrong though. I don't want you closet eating! But I can tell you can do this on your own and come to this place to vent :)

Oh no, I don't want to do any closet eating. That seems like an eating disorder to me and I want to be able to put it out there and say "this is what's going in my mouth, take it or leave it."

I just wanted to point out, I didn't say you gals were piling on negativity...it's the people in my life who are.

My family is also full of food-pushers. The only person I know who isn't a food pusher is my mom, because she's the only female in her family who is actually a healthy weight, looks thin, and makes an attempt to eat healthily and get physical activity. Granted what she's done a lot with me wasn't always healthy (I was on a diet in childhood), but I can see the reason why she doesn't do what my relatives do. For instance, my sister is actually rather thin and will only eat when she is hungry for the most part. An aunt of ours tried to get her to eat some fried food that she had bought and when my sister said no, everyone got really upset with her...so my sister ate it, but then spent the next hour complaining to our mom about how everyone was trying to make her fat. Yeah, I know it's an unhealthy situation.

Sometimes I don't know how to respond to others when they say things like "oh so you must think you're better than us?" because they see that I eat healthily. When I try to explain that the food I am eating is part of a better diet, the word "better" gets tossed around to the point where others take it personally.

I've thought about telling my husband to shove it when it comes to what I buy and the food I eat. At least then he'd know I was serious.

WarMaiden
05-10-2010, 01:18 PM
I've thought about telling my husband to shove it when it comes to what I buy and the food I eat. At least then he'd know I was serious.

In my experience, the way to show one's spouse that one is serious is to simply do it and keep at it, perhaps while saying nothing about it. When I quit sugar 2 years ago, my husband thought I'd never be serious about doing it, and didn't trust that I really had changed and really WAS extremely serious until probably a couple of months into it.

Just do it, ignore what people say, and they'll figure it out eventually. You can't change their attitudes or beliefs about any of it, and you shouldn't let that crap affect how you feel or what you do. It's truly not personal; they simply have issues to work through that have nothing to do with you. Leave them to do it, while you do your own thing.

MarthaMyDear
05-10-2010, 05:37 PM
I have thought of just going ahead and doing what I need to do, but usually my husband will question me. For instance, if he sees more fruit in the fridge, he'll start asking what they're for, if he can eat them, etc. I'm not always sure of what to tell him.

WarMaiden
05-10-2010, 05:59 PM
I have thought of just going ahead and doing what I need to do, but usually my husband will question me. For instance, if he sees more fruit in the fridge, he'll start asking what they're for, if he can eat them, etc. I'm not always sure of what to tell him.

Tell him the factual truth, without telling him the reasoning behind things. "Those are for my lunch. Sure, you can have one. If you start wanting to eat them regularly, I can pick up extra for you at the store. How about if you let me know about that, OK?"

You don't have to give him the whole saga about how you're wanting to eat better and working at weight loss and etc etc. Just the facts, ma'am.

For example, when I quit eating sugar, I didn't tell my husband that; but he does most of the grocery shopping for the family, so when he asked me whether or not I wanted him to get a new bag of chocolate for me at the store, I just said, "No, thank you, but I would like to have some..." whatever. I didn't tell him why, I just told him what I wanted.

Karen925
05-10-2010, 10:38 PM
The truth is though that when you assume that others are doing the best they can - it feels like support. It's only when you're assuming that they have destructive motives or that they don't care about you that you feel you have saboteurs or no support.

If you think that most people are trying to help (even if they're bungling it miserably), you will see and feel support.

Perception and interpretation become reality.

I have been enjoying and applying this insight with a friend and it makes it much more tolerable of off putting remarks. I try and focus on the good and leave the rest. Key word is try. I am not always successful and sometimes boundaries need setting. kaplods is 100% right on.

kaplods
05-11-2010, 02:33 AM
It used to aggravate me that my husband would eat food I had planned for myself (even though we're both dieting, we have different trigger foods and sanity saver foods).

I'd get angry that he wouldn't want an apple until there was only one left (and he wouldn't tell me he ate the last one, until I went looking for it).

When this happened in the past, I'd get angry - even though he'd offer to go out and get me what I wanted (even if it meant going to the 24/7 Walmart).

He didn't understand why I was so angry - especially when he could get to the store and back with what I wanted in less than 15 minutes (we have a nice grocery store only a couple blocks from the house).

Once I got so mad at him that when he asked if I wanted him to go to the store to replace the item he ate - I said YES! And he did - and wasn't the least bit angry about it. I had cooled down by the time he came home, and I kissed him and thanked him - and he said "See that wasn't so bad, was it?"

We don't have that problem any more because if I want something we don't have, I don't stress about going out and getting it (or asking hubby to). It's a lot easier that way.

I know some problems aren't so easily fixed - but there are always solutions. Sometimes they're hard to see, because when habits develop, it's hard to think outside the box.

When I first realized I was seeing sabotage when none was meant, and using it as an excuse to blame other people for my poor choices, it was really hard to decide when someone was trying to help and when they were trying to undermine my new lifestyle - I finally decided that it didn't matter. I decided to assume that the person never realized that their response wasn't the one I wanted or needed (yeah sometimes even I knew I was just pretending).

But it works. Whether or not someone is trying to intentionally sabotage my diet, I feel more in control (and much less stressed) when I think of them as a poor, misguided imbecile - rather than an enemy, because on some level an enemy has earned your respect. An enemy is a peer, but an imbecile isn't someone you want to take advice from. It's easier to dismiss an opinion when you see it as idiotic or at least misguided or uninformed.

Confidence. It really all boils down to confidence. Knowing that you've chosen the best path for you. Of course confidence doesn't always come easily, but the more you practice it, the easier it gets. Every time you think "silly husband/coworker/friend" instead of "evil saboteur" the easier it will be to follow your own path and ignore the advice and pressure of people who may or may not mean well.

MarthaMyDear
05-11-2010, 02:39 AM
And what if it plainly is sabotage? For instance, people who know me are aware of the fact that I have dairy sensitivities and can't eat a lot of dairy-rich foods. Then I go over to a dinner I was invited to at their house and almost everything is dairy that's served! I've even had people think it was funny that I couldn't eat anything, or I had to make do. Which is much like serving all meat when you know that a friend coming over is vegetarian. When I pointed this out and asked them what they would have done if I had food allergies, they plainly said that they probably wouldn't have invited me because that would have been too much to accommodate...

kaplods
05-11-2010, 02:56 AM
And what if it plainly is sabotage? ...

The advice really still applies. If it makes you angry, then you've given them power over you. You don't have to give anyone that power.

Even when it's obviously intentional, I still don't usually get angry. To get angry, I'd have to respect their opinion. Rather, if the person is intentionally trying to undermine my choices, my first reaction (now that I've trained myself to think this way) is for me to assume they're incurably stupid or insane. Again, I'm not likely to succumb to pressure if I don't respect the opinion of the person trying to do the sabotage.

It's important to make your choices clear and stick to them, because if you have a history of yielding to pressure, people will see it as mixed messages (she really wanted to eat the cake, she just needed someone to tell her it was ok).

But if you're firm and people are still trying to push you into eating - you have to push back. "I'm sorry, I will not eat this," is a legitimate choice - and you have to believe it. Otherwise you will yeild to the pressure.

Yes, some people will think you're rude (but that's ok - because you will be thinking they are an imbecile).

I don't let stupid or crazy people, or people who do not respect me make choices for me (I don't let them prepare my food either, if I know they're stupid, crazy or disprespectful).

kaplods
05-11-2010, 03:20 AM
I've even had people think it was funny that I couldn't eat anything, or I had to make do. Which is much like serving all meat when you know that a friend coming over is vegetarian. When I pointed this out and asked them what they would have done if I had food allergies, they plainly said that they probably wouldn't have invited me because that would have been too much to accommodate...

If this happened to me (especially if the people thought it was funny), I would go home. I do not spend time with people who disrespect me.

To some degree, though I do understand the hosts feeling unable or unwilling to accomodate. It can be difficult to do so. When I'm hosting, I personally don't mind, because I'm a very creative cook, and like special challenges, but I know a lot of people who just can't do it. My husband's step-mother is not a very good cook, and her attempts to accomodate my husband and my diet have been disastrous. I'd rather be selective about what I eat (eating the smallest of portions if necessary), than have to turn down food she made especially for us that turned out to be inedible.

My dietary needs are no ones problem but my own. When I'm invited to dinner, I talk to the host(ess) before the party. I explain my dietary issues and ask if I can bring a large salad or vegetable tray - something that fits my needs so that they don't have to make anything special on my account. I wouldn't expect them to make something just for me.

But this is really true for allergies also. I'm allergic to honey and bread doesn't agree with me (I break out in a rash - it might be the wheat or it might be yeast). I also have IBS, so I do have food allergies and sensitivities. I don't eat what I don't want to, and I'm pretty good at getting people to back off without getting angry and without hurting feelings (but if it's a choice between my getting angry and their hurt feelings - I'm going to hurt their feelings before I get angry or yield to the pressure).

We also have a friend who is deathly allergic to onions (luckily he can be in the same room with onions). We have a dinner party gaming night about once a month. I do try to make sure there's stuff he can eat, but it's darned hard to cook without onion (at least the way I was raised and taught to cook). Most of the time I make sure that the main dish has no onions in it. But most of the crowd begs for my chili - and I can't make a good chili without onions, so occasionally I'll make my chili and we'll warn the onion-allergic friend that there'll be plenty of snacks and side dishes for him, but the main dish is going to have onions.

Still ultimately it boils down to personal choice and responsibility. If you see your choices as someone else's responsibility (even partially), you're going to keep making those choices, and it's going to feel like it's "their fault."

Shmead
05-11-2010, 08:15 AM
I've discovered a trigger phrase: anytime I find myself thinking "well, I can't just [whatever]", it usually turns out that I can, it's just weird. Like "I can't just go to a dinner party and not eat", except you can. It feels a little weird at first, but then people get used to seeing you just sipping coffee and after a few times, it's your new normal.

There are lots of phrases like this: "I can't just not have Christmas cookies", "I can't just be late to work because I have to exercise (or "I can't get up at 4:00 AM)", "I can't just tell my husband no over and over again", "I can't just let my grandmother be mad at me".

For me, this whole weight loss process has been about undoing those "I can't just . . "s, and it's been really empowering.

MarthaMyDear
05-18-2010, 12:50 AM
What is funny is when I've said "I can't have those cookies at this party," there is usually someone there pushing them to me. It also happens a lot with relatives, and it's hard because they tend to get very sensitive. Usually what I try to do now is not say anything, but there's always that one person who insists that you eat everything in sight, and they also get upset when you don't. It's like the person who hosts a party and they get upset when they see that you've been sitting down only socializing with one person the entire evening.

dayoneagain
05-18-2010, 04:35 AM
I've discovered a trigger phrase: anytime I find myself thinking "well, I can't just [whatever]", it usually turns out that I can, it's just weird. Like "I can't just go to a dinner party and not eat", except you can. It feels a little weird at first, but then people get used to seeing you just sipping coffee and after a few times, it's your new normal.

There are lots of phrases like this: "I can't just not have Christmas cookies", "I can't just be late to work because I have to exercise (or "I can't get up at 4:00 AM)", "I can't just tell my husband no over and over again", "I can't just let my grandmother be mad at me".

For me, this whole weight loss process has been about undoing those "I can't just . . "s, and it's been really empowering.


This is definitely something I'm working on at the moment - the big one being "I can't go to a bar with friends or to a party and not drink alcohol"

I managed an hour's chat in the pub with my friend yesterday with just soda water and tomorrow evening I am going to a dinner party and am going to drive so I have no choice of whether to drink or not.

I know that as soon as I have one sip of alcohol my diet is screwed. Not just for that evening, but for the dreaded hangover-hunger of the next day, lack of motivation to do any exercise and guilt leading to more eating.

Also, as soon as I have one night with a few drinks it suddenly seems ok to do that a few nights a week and then my 1200-calories-a-day plan is totally ruined longterm.

I am coming to accept that cutting alcohol out altogether is the only way forward until I've lost a decent amount of this weight. And I'm ok with that, it just seems weird to start with.

MonteCristo
05-18-2010, 11:19 AM
Support can be so tricky...I have been extremely fortunate that my family, friends and coworkers have been very helpful and supportive throughout my journey. But even that got to the point with my family that they were commenting on every.single.thing. I put in my mouth (that looks good/awful, can you have that/this, etc) or what I was doing/not doing for exercise. About 2 months ago I had quite enough of all the support and told them that they weren't to comment on my eating or exercise ever again, I wanted them to act like whatever I did was perfectly normal...things have got much more comfortable.