General chatter - How has your weight affected your relationships?




milliondollarbbw
05-02-2010, 10:55 PM
I realized that one of my first memories of liking a guy, involved my trying to "woo" him over. I remember, thinking back, that there was something kind of not so good about a teenage girl trying to save money, so that she could take this older guy out to a fancy french dinner, as a way to impress him.

I remember with him, and previous crushes, that I never felt I was the kind of woman they liked. That I was somehow always "lacking". Even my first crush was a guy who liked the class ballerina. Seriously.

As an adult, I realize that those memories speak volumes about self-esteem, and maybe, why I go above and beyond to let a guy know I am there for him, and that I care for him. I think that this is a result of growing up as a very overweight female, and having numerous situations where guys may have expressed interest in me, but they always wanted to keep it a secret from other people, as if they were ashamed.

I am curious as to your experiences with your weight and relationships:



Did you notice any patterns, relationship wise, that were tied into your weight?

How did you overcome any of these patterns or issues?



I think the more we realize certain patterns, the more we can overcome them. :)


CanadianCutie
05-02-2010, 11:16 PM
Well for me, I know I totally settled for my exhusband. I was scared of being alone. I knew I shouldn't marry him, but I did anyways, cried all the way down the aisle, and these weren't tears of joy. I wish someone had talked some sense into me, but I know I wouldn't have listened anyways. I, of course, come to find out now that my friends all hated him/the way he treated me.
I do see a pattern of trying too hard to please men, but I don't that comes because of the weight. A lot of women have that issue, big or small.
I do get scared sometimes with my boyfriend now, cause I'm the first "big girl" he's dated. I know he loves me the way I am, and he's so supportive and proud of my healthy changes.

JennieLovesKisses
05-02-2010, 11:45 PM
I had been over weight throughout middle school and the first 2 years of high school. I managed to lose over 80lbs that second year and over the summer keeping me at 150lbs my Jr/Sr years. I remember getting a couple offer's (to go on a date) from boys at school my last 2 years but I was in a mind set where I thought, if these guys wouldn't ask me when I was "fat" they don't deserve to have me now, haha. I REALLY thought like that and I honestly and purposely refused to date in high school. I met my ex bf about a month before I graduated, he went to a different school than I did. I ended up living with him after I graduated for 4 years. He was really hard to read, one min he would tell me I was perfect, the next he would complain I was TOO skinny thats I needed to gain weight because he liked bigger girls and I thought "hey well at least I know if I gain weight he will still like me". This was my first BF mind you and I didn't want to lose him, I loved him. I gained weight. 4 years later he dumps me. I told myself then and there I would never let a guy effect the way I look and how I feel. I am important! When I met my current boyfriend I said it how I felt it...I'm losing weight if you like it or not! If your not going to be supportive towards what I'm doing for myself then your SOL as far as dating me. Its been 7 months now and 35lbs down and he is amazing. He tells me daily how well I'm doing and that he's happy I'm happy and thats all that matters. I for sure look at guy's differently and I figure the best way to find the good ones is to straight out let them know how you feel about yourself and your goals and see their reactions.


milliondollarbbw
05-03-2010, 12:32 AM
Well for me, I know I totally settled for my exhusband. I was scared of being alone. I knew I shouldn't marry him, but I did anyways, cried all the way down the aisle, and these weren't tears of joy. I wish someone had talked some sense into me, but I know I wouldn't have listened anyways. I, of course, come to find out now that my friends all hated him/the way he treated me.
I do see a pattern of trying too hard to please men, but I don't that comes because of the weight. A lot of women have that issue, big or small.
I do get scared sometimes with my boyfriend now, cause I'm the first "big girl" he's dated. I know he loves me the way I am, and he's so supportive and proud of my healthy changes.

Wow! thank you so much for sharing that! ((hugs)). That was very insightful and relatable. :)

ohlove
05-03-2010, 01:08 AM
My issues with my weight have caused me to have serious trust issues with guys. I'm constantly questioning motives and assuming the worst. Right now, I'm going through an awful, heartbreaking situation with my best friend. We've been best friends for 8 years, and there was a time back in college (when I was still overweight but probably a hundred pounds lighter than now) that he had said that he considered being more than friends. But I always assumed that it was my weight that made him not want to date me, and that made me angry at him. My resentment made things go bad between us to the point that we constantly fight because I don't trust him. I started to think ridiculous things like he's embarrassed to be seen with me. I KNOW he cares about me because I've tried several times to distance myself from him, and he won't let me go. He has even suggested going to a counselor to try to fix our friendship. However, when I finally told him that I care about him as more than a friend he said that he doesn't love me that way. Now, he is interested in a girl (she's petite) and it's heartbreaking to try to be his friend through it. I keep torturing myself with the thought that if I could just lose hundreds of pounds, he would love me. The smarter part of me realizes that he probably can't love me because of how miserable we can make each other by fighting and he knows that I can't fully trust him. I know that I feel like I'm unlovable and it's my own distrust issues that I have to get over. I haven't exactly figured out how to do that yet. As much as I tell myself that I'm being insane, this evil little voice keeps asking, "Are you sure it's not because you're fat?"

milliondollarbbw
05-03-2010, 01:36 AM
I am so sorry to hear about that, ohlove.

I can only say to focus on your love of your friend, as your friend. If you find your life would be missing something without him, then you have to accept him as a friend only, and focus on nurturing yourself. I understand that it is hard when you have all of the "what ifs?" AND if you aren't currently dating.

All I can say is to focus on nurturing yourself and being happy and loving yourself for who you are. The evil little voices are just that....evil little voices, and all of us would be best to just ignore them. It is like it is their job to make us feel bad about ourselves.

bonnnie
05-03-2010, 01:59 AM
ohlove, it sounds like you were always in a relationship - and that he didn't want to commit... maybe because you never asked him for it? I mean, he suggested that the both of you get "friendship counseling"!

I've been in a somewhat similar situation... except mine only lasted 1.5 years. I ended it. I don't regret that decision at all - I think it was the best decision to keep both of us sane.

There seems to be an interesting 'breed' of men that are more than reliable, that will never leave you. However, this aspect also has its negative side. They have such a strong presence in your life that they prohibit you from moving on and forming more fulfilling, loving relationships. So, while you are not moving on, still devoted to him, he has the ability to keep you around plus get a new girlfriend. Now, you feel like crap ; but he is happy. That doesn't sound like a good 'friendship' to me.

Airforcechick07
05-03-2010, 06:31 AM
I just got out of a year long relationship with a guy who honestly was a total sweetheart. He did everything he could to make me happy except one thing. He had a hard time being physical with me....Now to start from the beginning, I weighed 155 I was healthy in shape. Then slowly the pounds crept up on me over a course of a year I put on 20 pounds and was at 175 as the pounds come the sex started lacking.....Now as fustrating as it was physically mentally he was killing me. I felt undesirable, ugly, I felt like I wasnt even good enough for my own BF. He even made a comment "I have never dated a girl that wasnt teeny tiny".......That statement stuck with me.....Things didnt get better and I brokeup with him 2 months ago. Now I have lost 17 pounds and guess who is wanting me back?????


Looking back yea he was super nice and an awesome BF outside of our physical relationship, but I didnt want another friend I wanted him to be my BF.

milliondollarbbw
05-03-2010, 11:47 AM
I just got out of a year long relationship with a guy who honestly was a total sweetheart. He did everything he could to make me happy except one thing. He had a hard time being physical with me....Now to start from the beginning, I weighed 155 I was healthy in shape. Then slowly the pounds crept up on me over a course of a year I put on 20 pounds and was at 175 as the pounds come the sex started lacking.....Now as fustrating as it was physically mentally he was killing me. I felt undesirable, ugly, I felt like I wasnt even good enough for my own BF. He even made a comment "I have never dated a girl that wasnt teeny tiny".......That statement stuck with me.....Things didnt get better and I brokeup with him 2 months ago. Now I have lost 17 pounds and guess who is wanting me back?????


Looking back yea he was super nice and an awesome BF outside of our physical relationship, but I didnt want another friend I wanted him to be my BF.

Ha! That is so funny and yet so true! :) I do wish in some ways, that if a man isn't into a woman physically, he shouldn't force the issue. Every guy I have dated has been into more average sized women. My ex said he liked big women...I don't know, I sometimes wonder. :(

I have an ex who did the same thing---lack of physical attention. That is so damaging, and I think guys don't understand that. I mean, we are raised to be "warned" about how men are always...well....in the mood. So when you date someone who is not in the mood, and it isn't something medical or stress or depression, AND, they salivate over models, well, it just really messes with your sense of self-esteem.

GonnaTurnHeads
05-03-2010, 12:20 PM
My boyfriend will not touch me in any sexual manner until i lose weight, although he got with me when I was only 10lbs lighter than I am now. As he puts it "theres nothing wrong with me wanting an attractive girlfriend i can be proud of" - and it is because of my weight that I am still with him, because I genuinely am too afraid of being single and fat, instead, I plan to leave when I lose more weight.

Prior to him, I had many dates, many one night stands, many many men who i tried very hard to please - who never would commit to me and would never let me meet their friends. I have always blamed this on my weight.

nelie
05-03-2010, 01:38 PM
I was very shy growing up as a morbidly obese teenager and adult. I basically never thought anyone could be really into me and the guys I did date, I never let them get to close to me and would break up with them when I thought they wanted more (sexually and emotionally).

It wasn't until my late 20s until I found someone I was willing to try with and our relationship ended about a year later. A year after that, I started dating my husband who is truly awesome. It was night and day between any of my previous relationships and he truly is supportive of me and my goals. I dated him when I weighed 300 lbs and he didn't care, he supports me no matter what weight I'm at.

mom4life
05-03-2010, 01:51 PM
I guess you can say my dh and I grew together. LOL We were both within healthy weights when we first were married and just got wider as the years went by. Our sex life did suffer a bit and I could tell he wasn't too attracted to me physically. Since I was a child I was always self conscience regardless if I was within a healthy weight all my life, so gaining the weight just made me depressed. I stopped dressing up or trying to look pretty which I think led him to not be attracted to me much. I do remember getting dolled up every now and then and he would perk up.
When I made the choice to lose the weight and I lost the first 20 lbs he made a comment that he knew we would be doing the deed a lot more when I got closer to my goal. I asked him to buddy up with me in my weight loss and he did. He's very close to his goal. He's always complemented me on my looks no matter what but I know the weight did bother him but like he said "Who am I to judge?" when he was in the same boat.

2phatinvictoria
05-03-2010, 03:00 PM
i feel for everyone cause i too have been there.. i was right out of high school... just 17.. and met my now ex bf at the mcds he worked at then.. (go figure) we ended up moving in together.. there were only 3 of his friends who would actually talk to me... the rest didn't and im damn sure its was because i wasn't a size 2...even the wife and gf of two of his buddies wouldn't even give me the time of day... till this day it still makes me upset.. Him and his buddies never made me feel.. like i wasn't a piece of dog poopy.. then two years into our relationship i asked him why he had not said i love you yet.. and he said i dont think i could ever love you until you loose weight... I SHOULD have left then.. but he was my first live in bf.. and i was in love.. so i stayed and we fought about my weight the rest of time.. we even broke up and i lost 40 pounds and then got back together.. then the weight slowly came back on.... then i finally realized i dont love him.. i dont want to be with him.. hes is not good for me... so i left him.. Still to this day he calls and txts me.. to try and see me.. and you know what.. no thanks!.. Im with someone now... who loves me for me!
im sure almost anyone has been here or been in a situation like this.. which is fairly heartbreaking..

StuffedBunny
05-03-2010, 03:30 PM
When I first started dating the guy I'm with now I weighed 170 and went to the gym everyday and ate good and drank nothing but water and tea all day. Now 2 years later, I weigh 220 pounds and have no energy and so on. I'm very self conscious about my body around him now just because I know when he was initailly attracted to me I was 50 pounds lighter. I don't like him to touch my belly or see me undress or anything which is annoying to him because it never use to be a problem. This is one reason why I'm finally trying to get back in shape again. I want to feel comfortable with him.

StuffedBunny
05-03-2010, 03:36 PM
My boyfriend will not touch me in any sexual manner until i lose weight, although he got with me when I was only 10lbs lighter than I am now. As he puts it "theres nothing wrong with me wanting an attractive girlfriend i can be proud of" - and it is because of my weight that I am still with him, because I genuinely am too afraid of being single and fat, instead, I plan to leave when I lose more weight.

Prior to him, I had many dates, many one night stands, many many men who i tried very hard to please - who never would commit to me and would never let me meet their friends. I have always blamed this on my weight.

Man when I left my ****ty ex, who never said anything bad about my body or anything, I had so much time and drive to go to the gym and I made crazy progress compared to when I was with him. Leave that jerk-loser and indulge in yourself for yourself. After a few months at the gym and quite a few pounds lighter lots of the single guys there want to "give you tips on your form" and whatnot. ;)

saef
05-03-2010, 04:02 PM
Oh, yeah, my pattern with guys for years could be basically outlined by Taylor Swift's song "You Belong to Me." Which is somewhat humiliating to admit here publicly, as I am not a Taylor Swift fan at all. (Ummmm ... Joni Mitchell? Billie Holiday? Even Lucinda Williams, in that genre ... but not Taylor Swift.) I thought that I had very little to offer men physically, since they [so my thinking went] want women who are more beautiful. What I have to offer is being a good listener, a confidante, an advice-giver, at times an entertainer. They were supposed to love me for my character & for my intelligence (such as it is). The theory was that, if they got to know me, and if I became indispensible to helping them sort out their feelings, they would gradually come to know me & love me & start to overlook my great physical defect of not being thin enough or sexy enough. Like Beauty & the Beast, you know? Except with the man as the Beauty & me as the Beast.

Yeah, well, it didn't work. What I mostly ended up in was triangular relationships. When we were younger, they confided in me & told me stuff while crushing from afar on some more desirable girl. Or else they got involved with psycho b**tches & kept coming to me for sanity. I was so often on the outside looking in. Also, it made me feel disembodied because they never cared for me physically, only for my great personality & etc. They did all the physical stuff with the other girls. And when I got older, this attracted men who were in bad marriages. Often co-workers. We'd be great friends & they'd be telling me all about their issues with their wives/girlfriends. They'd be committing what I think of as "emotional infidelity." That is, we didn't, uh, do it, but I kept wondering why they weren't having these intense sharing conversations with the women in question.

I really think this kept happening because of my weight & also that I used weight to keep men at a distance physically, though not mentally & emotionally.

Do I still do this? No. Because once, years ago, I decided I'd lose weight, and I did -- oh boy, did I -- and after that, when I got into one such triangular relationship, it became really messy. It did NOT stay platonic. And I was miserable & I wanted to die, but I wanted him dead, too. That once was enough to teach me. Any time there is even a ghost of a triangle now, I run. Run. Run far, far away. (In fact, I probably now have a completely new issue there.)

Expunge
05-03-2010, 06:21 PM
After reading over these posts, I'm thanking my lucky stars that my first "real" relationship - which I'm still in - has been so wonderful.

I was so reluctant at first. We met on the internet, and I was so afraid of being the ugly internet chick stereotype. I told him straight up that I'm fat, have skin problems, etc etc... he was still interested. His exact words were "I like you for reasons completely unrelated to your appearance." That was a huge confidence boost, but I was still skeptical. There were a lot of red flags that maybe should have stopped me: he's about 9 years older than I am, I met him on the internet playing an online computer game, it's a long distance relationship (450 miles - but that's changing in a few months!).

I'm so incredibly glad I didn't let those things hold me back. My gut instinct was absolutely right - he's a sweet, caring, wonderful person who loves me for everything I am, and doesn't demand anything out of me. He loves me and my body no matter what size it is - I've always felt incredibly comfortable being with him sexually and emotionally. He manages to make me feel like some sort of sex goddess despite my having a LOT of body image issues. He supports me and celebrates my successes in all areas of my life, including weight loss, without making me feel like I'm obligated to lose weight. I can only hope that our relationship will continue to grow and remain as loving and supportive as it is now.

jkempf8688
05-03-2010, 06:49 PM
I have struggled with my weight my whole life and now my fiance has to deal with it too (poor guy). When we first got together, and when it was still very new and exciting I kind of lost track of how much I hated my body. Now that we are comfortable and we are getting married in less than 5 months :dizzy: I've started obsessing again about being overweight and no matter what he says about how good I look, etc, etc it doesn't make me feel better. I feel horrible for him because I know he loves me so much and doesn't give a crap about my weight but I just can't get it out of my head. arrrggg....

milliondollarbbw
05-03-2010, 09:16 PM
Oh, yeah, my pattern with guys for years could be basically outlined by Taylor Swift's song "You Belong to Me." Which is somewhat humiliating to admit here publicly, as I am not a Taylor Swift fan at all. (Ummmm ... Joni Mitchell? Billie Holiday? Even Lucinda Williams, in that genre ... but not Taylor Swift.) I thought that I had very little to offer men physically, since they [so my thinking went] want women who are more beautiful. What I have to offer is being a good listener, a confidante, an advice-giver, at times an entertainer. They were supposed to love me for my character & for my intelligence (such as it is). The theory was that, if they got to know me, and if I became indispensible to helping them sort out their feelings, they would gradually come to know me & love me & start to overlook my great physical defect of not being thin enough or sexy enough. Like Beauty & the Beast, you know? Except with the man as the Beauty & me as the Beast.

Yeah, well, it didn't work. What I mostly ended up in was triangular relationships. When we were younger, they confided in me & told me stuff while crushing from afar on some more desirable girl. Or else they got involved with psycho b**tches & kept coming to me for sanity. I was so often on the outside looking in. Also, it made me feel disembodied because they never cared for me physically, only for my great personality & etc. They did all the physical stuff with the other girls. And when I got older, this attracted men who were in bad marriages. Often co-workers. We'd be great friends & they'd be telling me all about their issues with their wives/girlfriends. They'd be committing what I think of as "emotional infidelity." That is, we didn't, uh, do it, but I kept wondering why they weren't having these intense sharing conversations with the women in question.

I really think this kept happening because of my weight & also that I used weight to keep men at a distance physically, though not mentally & emotionally.


Omg! Are you my doppelganger? Seriously! I, too, have had the history of being the "friend" of the cute guys---who would inevitably ask me to hook them up with the cute girl. Sigh. And I do realize now, though it is hard to admit, that maybe I do so much for the guys I date because I think, too, that if they think I am a good person, they will see past my tummy and cellulite. It doesn't really work that way. My recent relationship gave me a glimpse at what true acceptance is. It has also taught me to realize that my relationships do need to be more equal and that I need to just realize that someone out there will like me for who I am, without my feeling like I have to be their everything, ya know?

Ps. I am watching the taylor swift video right now. ;)

milliondollarbbw
05-03-2010, 09:25 PM
My boyfriend will not touch me in any sexual manner until i lose weight, although he got with me when I was only 10lbs lighter than I am now. As he puts it "theres nothing wrong with me wanting an attractive girlfriend i can be proud of" - and it is because of my weight that I am still with him, because I genuinely am too afraid of being single and fat, instead, I plan to leave when I lose more weight.

Prior to him, I had many dates, many one night stands, many many men who i tried very hard to please - who never would commit to me and would never let me meet their friends. I have always blamed this on my weight.

We are the same height, and if I were at your weight, ha! there would be no stopping me! I know I would be wearing so much better clothing than i am now, even though I would probably still be a size 16 or 18 or so.

You are a beautiful person and you do not need to be with someone who doesn't accept you for who you are. I know I am being a hypocrite, because I have the same fears as well....but seriously, while you are wasting time with a guy who isn't respectful, the right guy for you is out there, waiting, hoping you will see that you deserve more than the relationship you described.

I am probably doing the equivalent of yelling through the internet, but omg, I have been there soooo many times. You deserve better! I stayed with a guy who was so horrible to me and to my family and I so regret even meeting him. He was just that horrible a person. And yet, I stayed with him because I thought no one else would want me.

Believe me, what you bf is doing is emotional abuse. he knows that keeping you down, keeping you subservient, is going to keep you around. Don't fall for it. If you two don't live together, I would say run...run for the hills and don't look back. the kind of man who says what you say he has said, is not full of love, only inner self-hatred. You deserve better!!

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: :hug::hug:

milliondollarbbw
05-04-2010, 12:24 PM
It was so weird....I had a dream last night about one of my first crushes. It was weird because we were talking on the phone, and his voice sounded just like him! It was so odd....he said he lived on an island near me (not a tropical island, just a tiny little piece of land), and I forgot what he was doing. I was living in a super expensive house. Super expensive.

It was so weird. Dreams like that kind of bother me at times, because that guy is someone...1) I haven't spoken to in over 9 years, 2) kept me as a "friend", but only met with me a few times from my teens to early 20s, and 3) seemed to only turn to me when he was lonely. He is also someone who I thought had a great mind and personality, but I never felt like I was his "type". In other words, from the very beginning I always felt like I wasn't good enough for him, and I listened to him talk about other women, yet, he would inappropriately flirt with me. Not a good relationship for a teenager. Nope, not good at all. :(

This may sound bad, but I feel like the men I date always just...well...leave me. I always feel like I am just not good enough for them. Even with my ex, I feel like I wasn't good enough for him to want to be with me....like there is something wrong with me that men don't find me valuable or worth the effort. My ex did more for me than anyone else, so it hurts a lot that it seemed like he just couldn't take being with me anymore. I know that is just my opinion, but, I feel like i was lacking something. He is doing better now, and I am happy for that.

Airforcechick07
05-04-2010, 02:47 PM
When I first started dating the guy I'm with now I weighed 170 and went to the gym everyday and ate good and drank nothing but water and tea all day. Now 2 years later, I weigh 220 pounds and have no energy and so on. I'm very self conscious about my body around him now just because I know when he was initailly attracted to me I was 50 pounds lighter. I don't like him to touch my belly or see me undress or anything which is annoying to him because it never use to be a problem. This is one reason why I'm finally trying to get back in shape again. I want to feel comfortable with him.

I can totally agree with this.... I had the same situation, but my EX BF did care he stoped having sex and being physical with me which caused me to be more self conscious...... My new BF now is having to to pay for that because I still am self conscious (especially since he is a thin fit guy) but he loves the way I look curves and all.....Just hard for me to get over the damage my ex did to me mentally and be happy that my now BF loves me for who I am now and not for a smaller me.

CityLights
05-04-2010, 07:50 PM
I think my own self-esteem played more into altering my relationships than my actual weight did. For instance I met a guy I really liked, but I met him at a low point in which I was very hard on myself. He noticed it and it definitely made him distance himself from me. We didn't talk for a few months to almost half a year and in that time things happened and I gained a lot more confidence. I had barely lost any weight, but when I saw him and we started talking again, I noticed he seemed 10 times more interested than he was before, despite me looking very much the same.

I also really relate to those that said they had a lot of guy friends. It's like I was hilarious and cool enough to hang out with, but not attractive enough to date. Meh.

southofriver
05-05-2010, 05:24 AM
Hi, it is really interesting to hear some of the comments on this thread as they do sound very familiar. I've always been overweight - though now only slightly - and felt as though I have always done the running around after men. However, I think this is part of my broader personality - not just to do with being overweight. I'm quite bossy and men I have been involved with are often a bit shy. But that hasn't really led to relationship problems for me as they have also been very nice. That said, I did use to feel fed up about doing so much chasing, and it used to make me worry about whether I was attractive enough for the person I was with. Now that I am slimmer, I am much happier, and no longer worry about whether I am attractive enough. Still bossy though! Thanks to the original poster for bringing this up.

As to the lady who posted above, whose boyfriend says he will not touch her until she is lighter, I agree with others that he is out of order. He may find you less attractive but 10lbs is hardly a massive difference. Of course only you know how your relationship feels and how he treats you - but I think you should seriously consider whether it is working for you.

Airforcechick07
05-05-2010, 05:28 AM
I agree totally. 10 pounds its not a big difference. He may be worried that that 10 will turn into a 100 or maybe he is just using it as an excuse either way I would try to get to the real reason why he feels that way

carol2208
05-05-2010, 07:49 AM
I can relate to so many of your stories... most of my life I was always the friend, never the girlfriend. In my teenage years, I was shy, and although I had lost some weight and wasnīt that much overweight I would let the damages of the past interfere. With my first boyfriend, I would never believe him when heīd call me beautiful... after that I had a couple of complicated stories, and then I gained 100lbs, and that pretty much kept me from even thinking about the possibility of dating anyone.

After 4 years, I decided to loose the weight... and my love life while in the process became a mess... I ended it up sexually involved with my two male best friends, and my self-esteem was so low that I would fall for whomever gave me a little attention... both stories didnīt end too well.

And my past is now paying its toll on my current relationship... although he says he loves me, I just donīt believe him, no matter what he does. Weīve been living together for 6 months now, and his desire for me has lowered, he says he thinks itīs normal, as we are living together, I donīt, because my desire didnīt change... and I ofcourse think it has to do with me not being attractive enough, and that brings so many bad baggage from the past, that many times I have thought of ending our relationship just so I wonīt have to feel like that anymore, even though I do love him very much and I know that most of it is all in my head...

I wish I could keep the learnings from the past but erase the scars it has left me...

CrystalZ10
05-05-2010, 06:39 PM
Until I met and married my husband, I had no real realtionships with anyone. I had crushes, but was painfuly aware that I was overweight and ugly. At least I felt ugly. My mom didn't help matters either. She and my sister used to treat me like crap. She told me once that if I got any fatter, I would have to wear a potato sack for clothing since she wouldn't sew for a fat girl. My sister used to torment me all the time making me cry. That stopped once I discovered than not having much in the way of breasts bothered her, than I had some leverage over her.
I'm also one of Jehovah's Witnesses and made the choice not to date outside of my religion. So that threw another monkey wrench in the works.
Once I got a bit older and started dieting and trying to control my weight, guys started to take notice. But never any guy in my religion.
Three years ago, this handsome looking guy put a smile on my blog page, and I smiled back. It happened a few more times and a few comments later, and we started talking.
I felt scared though. I was sure he was going to lose interest and move on to someone else. He reassured me that he likes curvy heaver girls than skinny. Still even after dating, I was scared he'd walk away. I kept trying to push him away from me. I'd rather not get hurt thank you very much, but he wouldn't take no for an answer.lol
Even being married to him for over two years, and I still have issues. I've never just simply undressed in front of him with him watching me. I'll hunch myself over, trying to hide, and jump under the covers as fast as I can.

I take such good care of him. I make him breakfast, lunch, supper, ect. I clean the house and his clothes, and take care of his daughter like she's mine when she's with us. He just has to say, "Oh my head hurts." and I'll jump up and give him some asprin, or Pepto for an upset tummy, or whatever. I never yell or scream. I take his side on everything, letting him know I am there for him, and will always take care of him. Even though I want to take good care of him because I love him, I feel like I have to so he won't lose interest in me.

Recently, he screwed up big time and started messing with with a woman in our building. It only lasted a few seconds, and he ran away. Even though the heifer is bigger than me, the first thought that popped into my head? "If I were smaller, he wouldn't have done that."

I forgave him for it...I'm hoping that it never happens again. If it does, will I be strong enough to leave? Or will I stay, feeling like I have no where else to go?

I have yet to figure anything out at the moment, as I am still learning...


Just wanted to add that despite a screw up, my husband is super supportive of me. He tells me to do whatever makes me happy. If I lose weight, I should do it for myself cause he loves me no matter what my size is. He even joined me on my diet/lifestyle change. I love him, and hopefuly will be with him for the rest of my life.

2phatinvictoria
05-05-2010, 07:57 PM
i dont know about the messing around on you... and personally.. i dont think you should make all his meals.. he is a grown man right? Im not trying to attack you but if a man ever did that to me.. i would kick his *** to the curb... you deserve to be a treated like a goddess.. nothing less.. you deserve to have someone to support you and not mess around on you! i hope you can work that all out though

milliondollarbbw
05-05-2010, 10:46 PM
You really need to love yourself more....even I, who am guilty of doing too much for the guy I am with, am not going to jump up to get pepto bismal, etc. And it doesn't matter how long "messing around" with someone else lasts....it is still messing around.

You are not a doormat, you are a human being. I know I am being a hypocrite, but you have to learn that a good man will love you for who you are, not because you do whatever they say or ask. Being supportive of good health habits should be the norm, not something so unique that you overlook "messing around". sorry, but that just sounds not too good. Please be kind to yourself....you deserve respect as well as love.

sorry, your post just struck a chord in me, and I am sorry you are going through that with your hubby. I have found that men like traditional at times, but they also like independent women who have their own minds. not just a yes all the time kind of gal.

serendipity907
05-06-2010, 08:19 AM
I haven't had relationships because of weight issues, not necessarily because I've been very overweight, just 'chubby', but my self perception is way off, and I see myself as larger than I am.
I'm only young, but i feel like I've missed out on a lot of opportunities because i question the guys motives for wanting to be with me, so now i don't even have any experience with dating etc.
I'm friends with a great guy now and we both want more, but I'm very reluctant to give it a chance.
Whilst I'm fairly slim now, I feel like no guy is ever going to want me until I'm skinny, with no fleshier bits or bumps etc. Pretty sad thought really.

Airforcechick07
05-06-2010, 10:46 AM
I think alot of us have had this feeling.....I know I have always thought that a certain guy or group of guys wouldnt like me until I was skinny...

CrystalZ10
05-06-2010, 12:48 PM
You really need to love yourself more....even I, who am guilty of doing too much for the guy I am with, am not going to jump up to get pepto bismal, etc. And it doesn't matter how long "messing around" with someone else lasts....it is still messing around.

You are not a doormat, you are a human being. I know I am being a hypocrite, but you have to learn that a good man will love you for who you are, not because you do whatever they say or ask. Being supportive of good health habits should be the norm, not something so unique that you overlook "messing around". sorry, but that just sounds not too good. Please be kind to yourself....you deserve respect as well as love.
I know....He's forgiven, but on probation. His big problem is drinking. When he's sober, he's sweet, loving, and keeps his eyes on his own family. When he's drunk, he's the slobbery "I love you guy" and gets handsy. With whoever is around. When he's with me, I love it, but was always scared he would turn to someone else if I wasn't there.

Its happened, and I hate him for making me feel so damn unsafe! He hasn't had anything to drink in a month, we are getting councling and I poured out all my own booze in my home so he wouldn't be tempted.
The deal is, that if he so much as takes one sip of booze, I am out. I'll leave his butt and take everything with me. I can tell when he drinks, cause his breath gets this weird fruity smell on it, and it won't go away. I let him know this. That he can't sneak one and think he can hide it from me.

I grew up taking care of my siblings, cooking, cleaning, ect. I took care of my mom when she got depressed, and when she left my dad, I moved back home and took care of him. Its in my blood to take care of my loved ones. I don't feel like a doormat doing it.
However, I don't jump up to get him asprin anymore, or water. I don't get up to make him coffee. He makes it for me now and brings it to me in bed. He gets me my asprin and whatever, and he also makes me my meals when I have to work and come home late.

Things are changing....just really slowly.

.

MementoxMori
05-06-2010, 01:10 PM
I can relate to a lot of these, and I've always been overweight.

I've had boyfriends, though all of them have been abusive in some way or another. I even had one ask me when I was going to be as small as my (then) best friend.

Well, I met my current boyfriend online and like some, I was afraid. He lived in CA and I lived in WA, not so bad but it was still scary. Well, we started to get to know each other without ever seeing pictures and we fell in love with each others personalities. And then came the time to show him my picture. Even though I was no longer 600 pounds, I still saw myself as that girl. So I was scared out of my mind. So when it happened, he still loved me and wasn't repulsed like I had thought he would be.

After all, why would an attractive, successful man be interested in a cow, right?

That's how I thought.

He loved me for me, and not what I look like. And we've been together for almost two years and he reassures me that he loves me for ME. He wouldn't care how much I weighed. He just wants me healthy, and I am. He still desires me physically, which I don't see why, but I think it's pretty awesome that he wants to see me without clothes when I hate seeing myself.

I really don't know what I would do without him. Yeah, we're still long distance, but we still 'see' each other, and I get to actually see him in a few weeks.

It's hard, to do the whole relationship thing when you're overweight. I know, I've lived it. But it's not impossible. There are men out there that genuinely don't care about the weight and they see the woman (or man) beneath it. Sometimes you have to know failure in order to get success.

Every one of you ladies who shared stories are amazing. And you don't need a man to be fierce and beautiful. You all are and you are all an inspiration to me. You don't have to be stick thin and beautiful, you can just be you.

Because when all is said and done, at least with me, is that I'll never be rail thin (or I'd look sick because of my bone structure), and I'll never look like a model in the features department. I'm just me, and I think I'm pretty awesome no matter how much I weigh. :]

:hug:

CrystalZ10
05-06-2010, 01:46 PM
I can relate to a lot of these, and I've always been overweight.

I've had boyfriends, though all of them have been abusive in some way or another. I even had one ask me when I was going to be as small as my (then) best friend.

Well, I met my current boyfriend online and like some, I was afraid. He lived in CA and I lived in WA, not so bad but it was still scary. Well, we started to get to know each other without ever seeing pictures and we fell in love with each others personalities. And then came the time to show him my picture. Even though I was no longer 600 pounds, I still saw myself as that girl. So I was scared out of my mind. So when it happened, he still loved me and wasn't repulsed like I had thought he would be.

After all, why would an attractive, successful man be interested in a cow, right?

That's how I thought.

He loved me for me, and not what I look like. And we've been together for almost two years and he reassures me that he loves me for ME. He wouldn't care how much I weighed. He just wants me healthy, and I am. He still desires me physically, which I don't see why, but I think it's pretty awesome that he wants to see me without clothes when I hate seeing myself.

I really don't know what I would do without him. Yeah, we're still long distance, but we still 'see' each other, and I get to actually see him in a few weeks.

It's hard, to do the whole relationship thing when you're overweight. I know, I've lived it. But it's not impossible. There are men out there that genuinely don't care about the weight and they see the woman (or man) beneath it. Sometimes you have to know failure in order to get success.

Every one of you ladies who shared stories are amazing. And you don't need a man to be fierce and beautiful. You all are and you are all an inspiration to me. You don't have to be stick thin and beautiful, you can just be you.

Because when all is said and done, at least with me, is that I'll never be rail thin (or I'd look sick because of my bone structure), and I'll never look like a model in the features department. I'm just me, and I think I'm pretty awesome no matter how much I weigh. :]

:hug:

Well you look beautiful to me! :hug: My husband and I did the long distance thing too. I lived in NC and he lived in Cali.I kind of liked it, since talking forces you to be interesting, and you are attracted to personalities first. At times it was amazing, and other times frustrating. My hubby was right. I calmed down once we met face to face and I could feel how much he loved me. (I mean through hugs, and kisses. Get your minds out of the gutters. lol) :D

StuffedBunny
05-06-2010, 01:52 PM
I also met my boyfriend online. And my ex boyfriend as well. It really helps you get to know someone. The internet really lets you not feel like you have to settle. You can find that person who's right for you no matter where they are. My ex and current beau are both from Cali. My current moved for me...I moved for the ex, so I wasn't about to do that again ha

MementoxMori
05-06-2010, 02:00 PM
Well you look beautiful to me! :hug: My husband and I did the long distance thing too. I lived in NC and he lived in Cali.I kind of liked it, since talking forces you to be interesting, and you are attracted to personalities first. At times it was amazing, and other times frustrating. My hubby was right. I calmed down once we met face to face and I could feel how much he loved me. (I mean through hugs, and kisses. Get your minds out of the gutters. lol) :D

Aww! Thank you, darlin!

And you're 10000% right. I know I'm not interesting haha but my bf loves when I start actual conversation with him. We're both gamers, him more than me, but out of everyone he's dated, he tells me I'm the only one who he's loved so much and that he knows I love him. And its something I wouldn't trade for anything.

And StuffedBunny, I know how that is too. But, I'm moving for him because its more financially smart to do so. He's got an awesome job, owns his house and everything.

StuffedBunny
05-06-2010, 02:03 PM
And StuffedBunny, I know how that is too. But, I'm moving for him because its more financially smart to do so. He's got an awesome job, owns his house and everything.

Oh yeah, do it up! My BF put up no argument to move out here because I have a job and the cost of living here is WAY lower than it is out in Cali. If it makes sense, it makes sense!

Ookpik
05-07-2010, 01:44 AM
Your stories are all so similar to mine. I have always been overweight, as long as I can remember. I know I've mentioned this in other threads, but I was teased on a daily basis b/c of my weight, from grade three to the day I graduated high school. At first it was boys and girls, but later the girls left me alone, and when I was in junior high/high school boys would give me a lot of comments of how "beautiful" I looked, and asking me for a date, etc., always sarcastically, of course. A lot of them used to sing "You Are So Beautiful To Me" and, although it's been more than 20 years since I graduated from high school, I hate that song to this day, and will turn off the radio or change the channel if it's on t.v. There's an old episode of The Simpsons where Marge sings it to Homer at the very end, and that is an episode I always cut short!

I grew up thinking I wasn't deserving of love and felt ugly, repulsive, and I put up with a lot of behavior I shouldn't have. I was in a "relationship" with a roommate of mine when I was in my early twenties, who used to always tell me about other women he wanted to sleep with, especially our other roommate, and he would tell me what he would like to do with them...which he'd never do with me, but he expected me to cater to him all the time. The "relationship" was violent and totally dysfunctional. I got out of it when I moved back to my hometown, but that experience, along with other experience I've had regarding men, made me feel worse about myself. I used to go clubbing with my friends, and come home and cry because I wasn't getting any attention, which of course I attributed to my weight, but in retrospect, I think my attitude may have had a lot to do with it too. Back then, I kind of had "tunnel vision", if I am using that term correctly, where everything negative in my life was attributed to my weight.

I had to work long and hard to build up my self-esteem and self-confidence. This included counselling. Now, there is no way I would put up with the kind of behavior I mentioned earlier...I'd much rather be single than put up with crap like that.

I lost weight for reasons other than my health and looks, and in the process, started to get more attention from men (I noticed more older men with money would talk with me than before, for example - too bad I'm a cougar! J/K...I wouldn't want to be judged for my looks, so I don't judge men on income). I got a lot more flirting than before, and guys I don't know saying "hi" to me in a store, for example. At the time, I often would be flirting back but still thinking "leave me alone! I'm not used to this!" Other times I enjoyed it for what it was, harmless flirting. I worked in the public at the time, and started to get used to it. Now I am back in school, in an all-female class, and kind of miss it!

I still have some insecurities though. I joined a free dating website and put my pictures up...I wouldn't have done that at my highest weight (and I'm still big now) because I don't think I could handle the disappointed look in the guy's eyes when he met me (I wouldn't have had pics up before). Now it's up front, they know what I look like, and I've gotten some interest. One guy contacted me telling me my pictures were "beautiful" (my most hated word!) but I took it as a compliment. What I noticed though, in his profile, was in his body type section, he wrote, "athletic" and I could see he was, from his picture. I wondered, what does he want with me? So that is some of the old insecurity creeping into my thoughts, which I admit, still bothers me. Also, I live in a small town, and have a hard time with men flirting with me when they paid me no attention before.

Interestingly, I've gotten messages from guys who are into BBWs. That's great, but I have no desire to remain a BBW! I edited my profile and put that in there. I wouldn't want to get involved with someone who dumps me because I lose weight! That's just as bad as the opposite happening.

Meanwhile, I'm still single. I am still working on my self-esteem and there are days when I fall back, and tell myself how ugly and undesirable I am. But I'm working on changing that. Mostly, I've succeeded.

Sorry guys, I didn't mean to make this so long, but I think it's been cathartic!

therex
05-07-2010, 01:53 AM
^whoo, that is a lot of baggage to be carrying around, i'm glad you're venting.

I feel you though, a lot of us have been in similar situations. Relationships are not existent for me and have been since i've been 18. I don't feel i love myself, so i cannot expect someone to love me. I'm finally taking steps to address this, but it's kind of scary honestly. I know i won't be another person at 135, or even feel better about myself, but that's what i'm hoping for.

milliondollarbbw
05-07-2010, 10:10 PM
Ok, here is a new question.....

If you have had a lot of relationships affected by either your own or your partner's judging of your weight, or insecurity, or negative remarks, etc., how do you deal with normal relationships, and when your partner doesn't like your personality or some other, non-physical aspect of yourself?

I think it hurts more when you realize that you may actually be your partner's type, but, maybe it is your personality he no longer likes. In some ways I feel it hurts more because if most people don't like you because of the weight, and then someone doesn't like your personality, then it makes one feel like they are entirely not good dating material. :(

milliondollarbbw
05-07-2010, 10:47 PM
^whoo, that is a lot of baggage to be carrying around, i'm glad you're venting.

I feel you though, a lot of us have been in similar situations. Relationships are not existent for me and have been since i've been 18. I don't feel i love myself, so i cannot expect someone to love me. I'm finally taking steps to address this, but it's kind of scary honestly. I know i won't be another person at 135, or even feel better about myself, but that's what i'm hoping for.

I am sorry that you feel that way about yourself. I guess it is true that we are our own worst critic. From your profile pic you look like a beautiful person (yes, women are freely able to say that :) ), so I don't understand the self-esteem issues, but I do think you are right in that you have to love yourself first, before you will let someone love you.

Work on healing yourself. you seem like an amazing and good person.

Ookpik
05-07-2010, 11:19 PM
^whoo, that is a lot of baggage to be carrying around, i'm glad you're venting.

I feel you though, a lot of us have been in similar situations. Relationships are not existent for me and have been since i've been 18. I don't feel i love myself, so i cannot expect someone to love me. I'm finally taking steps to address this, but it's kind of scary honestly. I know i won't be another person at 135, or even feel better about myself, but that's what i'm hoping for.

It really does feel good to vent. Like you, I still have some work to do on feeling better about myself...I've thought too, how can I expect someone else to love me when I don't even love myself? But we're strong women - here we are at 3FC trying to change our bodies, (hopefully our thoughts will follow!) and that is a start. :)

lizziep
05-10-2010, 08:24 PM
haven't read all the posts yet, at work & not enough time but while i'm still thinking about the topic i want to answer the original questions. i'd have to say that my relationships affected my weight, not the other way around.

First off- I started gaining weight because i had too much attention from boys, got depressed, started gaining weight and they started leaving me alone. then as i'd be in a relationship and it wouldn't work out, i'd get depressed, i'd eat more. then i got into the relationship w/ my now husband, and i gained more weight because we were happy, eating out, making dinners, etc.

there is one relationship that i have always felt horrible about. the only person who i ever let myself fully trust and love. and he just didn't/couldn't love me back- but was you know still willing to sleep with me and spend time with me. always there has been this voice in the back of my mind telling me if i was skinny and beautiful he could have loved me. that relationship left me feeling fundamentally unlovable, distrustful of all people- and even to this day 12 years later i can't say i fully trust my husband, or any friends, or even family not to just screw me over or up and leave me behind. i don't know if it has to do with weight or self-esteem- but there is definitely a feeling of deep down something about me is bad and no one can abide it.

MissKelly
05-13-2010, 09:19 PM
No good experiences to speak of, it's been a nightmare for me. Ever since having gained 38738732832 pounds, when I had moments when I was sick that I was feeling OK, I put myself out there to date with no luck. I needed SOME fun. Had a couple guys tell me I was too big. One guy told me that I met off a dating site that he would be too embarrassed to be seen with me and that I looked a "smaller fat" in my pics and he wasn't interested. That hurt, but what really, really hurt was this..... I tried to date someone one more time....we had a nice dinner, walked on the beach, then we came back to my place because I had to change pants because they got wet at the beach and we were going to go throw some darts and shoot some pool at a place around the corner...when I went upstairs to change clothes, he bolted out of my house and left...never called me again, obviously. I cried like a baby, I was so crushed because everything seemed to be going so well. No indications of anything weird or a lack of interest on his end, he even held my hand at the beach. It was then that I decided to not date anymore, get better all the way and then diet myself back down to 150.

This is the first time I have been fat by getting sick. When I was thin, honestly, I lacked empathy with heavy people. Boy, has that changed. It is as if God tossed this my way to teach me a lesson to improve my character. When I am back down in weight, if I see anyone making fun of fat people, I am going to stick my leg up their................................

ThicknPretty
05-14-2010, 02:57 PM
No good experiences to speak of, it's been a nightmare for me. Ever since having gained 38738732832 pounds, when I had moments when I was sick that I was feeling OK, I put myself out there to date with no luck. I needed SOME fun. Had a couple guys tell me I was too big. One guy told me that I met off a dating site that he would be too embarrassed to be seen with me and that I looked a "smaller fat" in my pics and he wasn't interested. That hurt, but what really, really hurt was this..... I tried to date someone one more time....we had a nice dinner, walked on the beach, then we came back to my place because I had to change pants because they got wet at the beach and we were going to go throw some darts and shoot some pool at a place around the corner...when I went upstairs to change clothes, he bolted out of my house and left...never called me again, obviously. I cried like a baby, I was so crushed because everything seemed to be going so well. No indications of anything weird or a lack of interest on his end, he even held my hand at the beach. It was then that I decided to not date anymore, get better all the way and then diet myself back down to 150.

This is the first time I have been fat by getting sick. When I was thin, honestly, I lacked empathy with heavy people. Boy, has that changed. It is as if God tossed this my way to teach me a lesson to improve my character. When I am back down in weight, if I see anyone making fun of fat people, I am going to stick my leg up their................................


I am so sorry for your experiences. That is just awful and rude and obviously this guy had no balls (sorry if I'm not allowed to say that) or basic respect for anyone else. I would have felt just as crappy, but it's good that you use it as motivation!

luciddepths
05-14-2010, 03:42 PM
After reading over these posts, I'm thanking my lucky stars that my first "real" relationship - which I'm still in - has been so wonderful.

I was so reluctant at first. We met on the internet, and I was so afraid of being the ugly internet chick stereotype. I told him straight up that I'm fat, have skin problems, etc etc... he was still interested. His exact words were "I like you for reasons completely unrelated to your appearance." That was a huge confidence boost, but I was still skeptical. There were a lot of red flags that maybe should have stopped me: he's about 9 years older than I am, I met him on the internet playing an online computer game, it's a long distance relationship (450 miles - but that's changing in a few months!).

I'm so incredibly glad I didn't let those things hold me back. My gut instinct was absolutely right - he's a sweet, caring, wonderful person who loves me for everything I am, and doesn't demand anything out of me. He loves me and my body no matter what size it is - I've always felt incredibly comfortable being with him sexually and emotionally. He manages to make me feel like some sort of sex goddess despite my having a LOT of body image issues. He supports me and celebrates my successes in all areas of my life, including weight loss, without making me feel like I'm obligated to lose weight. I can only hope that our relationship will continue to grow and remain as loving and supportive as it is now.


I'm pretty much in this boat!! We met online, been together this is year number 6 lived together 5 and a half years hahah. He is my strength i tell you. We havent had the issue of him not wanting to touch me, infact i can't sleep sometimes because he WAKES ME UP hahaha even when HE is asleep is trying to touch me! hahaha.


BUT i was there before.. my ex bf.. when iw as about 160lbs, he basically told me he didnt want to be with me because i "gained alot of weight" So i said F that! now im with a man where im pretty sure its impossible for me to love him more!!!

IF you are in a situation where your DH/BF wont touch you because of your weight... Time to move along and work on things FOR YOU, having that kind of person doesnt help.

farn00a57
05-14-2010, 05:31 PM
I have only had one boyfriend and the relationship was really messed up. I, like several others that I have read on here, settled for the relationship because I thought I wouldn't get any better. I knew that I could do better, this guy was completely below any standards that I should have, but he actually liked my body when I was at my heaviest and complimented me all the time, so I liked him because I had never gotten any kind of positive attention like that before. I was always the girl that the guys could always talk to and loved hanging out with, but would never date because of my body. When in their minds they were attracted to me in every other sense than my body. I was always the girl with the "pretty face, great personalty, funny, etc" but not date-able apparently. I have actually been told "I like you and would date you if you weren't so heavy." Crushing. I haven't had a boyfriend in several years and guys flirt a lot but never take that next step to ask me out. I've gotten used to it and am making myself better for me. Realizing that all of these guys that "liked" me but didn't want to "date' me cuz I was "fat" will be all over me when I'm in shape and I will tell them to take a hike!! Like others have said if they don't want you at your worst then they don't deserve you at your best!!

oh and on a completely side note: i have noticed that my weightloss has affected my friendships as well. I have some friends who are happy for me and totally rooting for me and others who have not really said anything and aren't supportive at all. almost like they are pissed because they will be losing their signature "fat friend."

MissKelly
05-15-2010, 02:12 AM
I am so sorry for your experiences. That is just awful and rude and obviously this guy had no balls (sorry if I'm not allowed to say that) or basic respect for anyone else. I would have felt just as crappy, but it's good that you use it as motivation!

Thank you. The nerve that some people have! In hindsight, I really should have ordered something WAY more expensive for dinner than I did and should have ordered a few expensive cocktails! :p:D

But you're right, it motivated...and I learned a lot about myself, starting when I took off the 'rosey-colored glasses' I had on when I looked in the mirror. :o