Weight Loss Support - That uncomfortable feeling when you're in public




ohiofreespirit
04-15-2010, 07:07 PM
If i let it, this weight would keep me a hermit. When i go out in public i am sooooooooo uncomfortable. i hate for people to see me this heavy. How do i get over this? The weight will come off in time but for now, i am fat. i want to live my life now. i want to feel about myself, the way i did 50 pounds ago. i used to be sexy, i used to love sex, i used to love men, i used to LOVE to go out and have a couple of drinks. i want that again. Do i have to lose weight before i can feel this way again?

i am so confused.


Avezy44
04-15-2010, 07:15 PM
Nope, you have to accept yourself. I have been that way too. I'd skip out early on days where I had to meet new people with the excuse of other plans.. when my other plans didn't really exist. I still feel this way from time to time. Just dont think about yourself when you go out. Think about what you want to do and have as much fun as possible. You will get the weight off and the going out will be even better :)

ValRock
04-15-2010, 07:29 PM
Yup... You have to find a way to be okay with yourself how you are NOW or you'll never get where you want to be. Self loathing only makes things worse. I live in a place where I'm double the size of most of the people around me. I have to learn to rock my height/weight and get on with life or I'd be miserable.

Confidence has nothing to do with size... You'll get where you want to be but in the meantime, love yourself!


alicat17
04-15-2010, 07:33 PM
Maybe think about it this way: The more people you meet now, the more people will notice how successful you've been!

CarbsAreEvil
04-15-2010, 08:03 PM
I wish I could help you. I've always been extremely vain. I remember when I was a little kid I said to myself "If I ever get fat, I'm never leaving the house" And I didn't. Going to church helped bring me out of my insecurity a little bit, but that's the only place I would go. I had no friends, no love life, nothing. I got desperate to lose weight, started taking diet pills and low carbing and dropped 60 pounds in 5 months. That's when I finally decided to go out and live my life.

Honestly, I find dieting easier when I seclude myself for a little while. Not as many pressures to eat, not as many triggers. It works for me.

CarbsAreEvil
04-15-2010, 08:13 PM
My mother had some things she wanted to add...

I haven't always been 315 pounds, I used to be 414 but I also used to be 135 and everything in between. I went through a long period where I never tried to look beautiful, I was fat and I thought that's all anyone would see. After losing 100 pounds men began to notice me, I began to realize that I can be fat and sexy. If Miss. Piggy can be on the front cover of Playboy Magazine, than what is wrong with me.

I had to learn to work with what I have and stop worrying about what I don't have. I walk like I'm the sexiest woman in the room, and that's the way men treat me. I put my makeup on everyday and I try to find the most attractive hairstyle for me. I only wear clothes that compliment the frame I have, not the one I want. I have been gauged, turned men down and broken hearts at 300 pounds. I'm currently in a long term relationship and we are planning to get married. He loves me just like I am and tells me I am sexy often. He worries about the other men that have made advances at me in front of his face. Men love me because they can see that I love myself. I am still trying to lose weight, but I have decided to love me just the way I am, I hope you will do the same.

I don't think of myself as a fat person, I think of myself as a beautiful woman who wants to lose weight and that's what people reflect back to me. People will see you the way you see yourself and that's the way they will treat you.

SCraver
04-15-2010, 08:14 PM
Well... I would have to say... No one is noticing your weight. Most people are too worried about themselves to really notice other people. If you go out with confidence, you will inspire some other woman who is not confident. Go out. Have a drink. Chat with friends. Weight is only a number.

SCraver
04-15-2010, 08:15 PM
OOO!! And once... at the bar... a guy told me I was sexy for a big girl. I know most people would find that offensive... but I know he meant well.

MyBestYear
04-15-2010, 09:01 PM
Self-loathing will only make you gain weight. Why would you want to be the healthiest you can be if you have decided you are not worthy of love or even worthy of stepping outside your front door?

Love yourself as you are. It doesn't mean you want to stay your current weight, it simply means that no matter what you look like, you've decided you are worthy of love and kindness... and daylight lol Everyone deserves that, no matter their size.

saef
04-15-2010, 09:32 PM
What makes you think that you don't have the God-given right to walk down the street & breathe the air & feel the sun on your face like every other person on this earth?

If someone said, "Because of the color of my skin, I feel I should not go out in public -- I do not have that right" or "Because of my religious beliefs, I feel I should not leave the house" or "Because I am female, I believe I should remain indoors & not show myself" or "Because I limp after an accident or have a congenital defect in my face, I feel I should never go outside in daylight," you would see the absurdity of that position. You would argue that they all have the right to move freely in the world, wouldn't you?

Why is fat the one thing so shameful that it means you have to be sequestered away, when all other people with all their different issues & burdens move freely in public?

Please don't feel that way. Please. Please. Do not succumb to agoraphobia over this.

There is a wide range between a hermit sequestered away because of her weight & a sexy cartoon of a woman that every man on the street sees & wants. Can't you live with being in that big range between those two options?

FeliciaHingston
04-16-2010, 12:45 AM
The best advice I got this week was to remember that weight loss does not solve all problems. As others in this thread mentioned, you have to accept yourself and work through the kinks. Weight does not make you, but allowing it to ruin your social like might end up breaking you.
(I really didn't mean to rhyme. I promise)

stacylambert
04-16-2010, 02:35 AM
What makes you think that you don't have the God-given right to walk down the street & breathe the air & feel the sun on your face like every other person on this earth?

If someone said, "Because of the color of my skin, I feel I should not go out in public -- I do not have that right" or "Because of my religious beliefs, I feel I should not leave the house" or "Because I am female, I believe I should remain indoors & not show myself" or "Because I limp after an accident or have a congenital defect in my face, I feel I should never go outside in daylight," you would see the absurdity of that position. You would argue that they all have the right to move freely in the world, wouldn't you?

Why is fat the one thing so shameful that it means you have to be sequestered away, when all other people with all their different issues & burdens move freely in public?

Please don't feel that way. Please. Please. Do not succumb to agoraphobia over this.

There is a wide range between a hermit sequestered away because of her weight & a sexy cartoon of a woman that every man on the street sees & wants. Can't you live with being in that big range between those two options?

Brilliant post. Very well said.

To the ohiofreespirit: I was right there with you. When I gained all the weight back that I lost I was so disgusted with myself that I quit going anywhere. And I mean ANYWHERE. Forget about enjoyable things like the mall or the bookstore or restaurants. I barely went to the grocery store or Target! I was basically the chauffeur and I'd send my husband into stores with lists of what we needed.

All that succeeded in doing was making me more depressed and helping me gain an additional 40 pounds. It wasn't until I started going and doing things I enjoyed again that I even though about doing something about my weight.

Just remember that you are probably the only one thinking about your weight. Even if you do happen to run into someone that says something to you, just think about how messed up THEY must be to say something like that to a complete stranger. A few extra pounds is nothing compared to that.

Polishwonder
04-16-2010, 02:30 PM
I feel the same as her. But it's more of an embaressement for me than not feeling like I have the rright to. I don't care what strangers think. I'm worried about running into someone who I havent seen in a long time and they see all the weight I've gained. I'm just embaressed I let myself get this way.
Also about the comment about walking with a limp. I have a limp due to a soccer injury (Long story I don't even want to get into lets just say it's been 6 months since i've been able to walk "normal")...SO that just adds to my not wanting to go out because it does draw attention to me that I don't want.
So I can relate to how the original poster feels. AND Ohiofreespirit...if you find out how to get pass this please let me know! I'm tired of feeling this way too!

kaplods
04-16-2010, 03:34 PM
I've always been fairly confident, but I was raised with so many beliefs about what fat girls "aren't supposed to do in public." The list goes on and on, when I was 5 or 6 my mom actually forbid me from climbing on the monkey bars because I "looked ridiculous." I learned that sweating and having a red face was inappropriate for a fat girl (it's why I quit summer tennis lessons, too).

My mom was projecting her fears onto me - though there was also a grain of truth. The kids did tease me, and that hurt my mom I think more than it did me, but I learned to let it hurt me (because she was essentially telling me it was supposed to - when someone teased you for doing something, you were supposed to stop doing it. If anything, my mom taught me to give in to peer pressure. Luckily, I didn't listen all of the time).

Even though I was able to break the rules about swimming (I LOVE swimming and no one is going to tell me I can't), riding a bicycle was another story.

I was sure I would look ridiculous and probably would break the bike. I finally, just a couple years ago bought a bike. I'm still not super confident when I ride it, but it gets better each time I do. All of my fears don't come true. I've gotten a few odd looks, but not the overt harassment I expected. And I haven't hurt myself or the bike (and I bought a very basic Walmart bike).

caryesings
04-16-2010, 03:48 PM
Think of it as a cloak of invisibility, as it was my experience that many folks don't even see the fat girl. At first I thought that maybe that the invisibility was because I was over 30 (I gained all of my weight the year I turned 30). But then at age 49 I started taking off the weight and found it wasn't the age, it was the fat.

I have to confess to a few mini-meltdowns because of now getting attention in public. Here I'd always thougt of myself as very confident, but maybe it was more I was somewhat removed from situation.

Viviane
04-16-2010, 04:12 PM
ohiofreespirit- I'm right there with you. I'd love to say that I've been able to get over it and just live my life, but that's soooo not the case. I think when you're ashamed of what you've done to yourself and embarrassed by how you look, it's hard to force yourself to put on a happy face and go about your business as you normally would. You can't act "normal" because you don't feel "normal." I don't know what the solution is, but I know how depressing it is. :hug:

I've been working years to accept myself and really live my life. I'd love to be one of those full-figured girls that is completely comfortable in her skin and oozes confidence. I'm not, I don't know how to be. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, too. Let me know if you find the magic bullet!! :D

ohiofreespirit
04-16-2010, 10:09 PM
These insights have made me realize i need to think differently about myself. i've never been one who was great at admitting that i love myself but that is especially true now with this weight. Perhaps this was a reason for gaining all this weight to begin with, my lack of respect for myself and my body?


Thank you for all your replies.

ParadiseFalls
04-17-2010, 12:39 AM
This post reflects how I feel exactly. I dont have any advice, but I totally know how you feel. It's a horrible feeling.

hometowngirl
04-17-2010, 12:59 AM
I'm right there with you. I hate going anywhere anymore! I'm working on getting myself back in shape though.

ParadiseFalls
04-17-2010, 01:06 AM
The worst part is that people can't tell you're working, you know? I mean, some of us (like me) are starting at 300. Even if we've lost 50 or 100 pounds, we're going to look fat to people who have never met us. It's really discouraging sometimes. I guess we just have to look ahead and try to forget about it for now.

hometowngirl
04-17-2010, 01:29 AM
The worst part is that people can't tell you're working, you know? I mean, some of us (like me) are starting at 300. Even if we've lost 50 or 100 pounds, we're going to look fat to people who have never met us. It's really discouraging sometimes. I guess we just have to look ahead and try to forget about it for now.

Yeah, I can see how that would be discouraging. Atleast they will only be seeing you at your temporary high weight since you are moving on down the scale. We can't change what we look like at the moment but we can change what we look like in the future. :goodscale:

PaulaM
04-17-2010, 12:05 PM
OK, I'm going to be blunt here. Look around you, what percentage of people are fat today? I'm was young and single in the 1970s, to see a heavy person was relatively rare. Now? I would say in any given group there are more overweight people than slim ones. Life is short, anything can happen to any of us. Are you really going to let your weight make you miss a day, a month, a year of your life? What if you could see into the future and found out you would be gone in a year, wouldn't you regret all the time you missed?

Just hold your head up high and go on and live your life, that's my advice.

kaplods
04-17-2010, 02:52 PM
I get very offended at the suggestion that I owe it to the world to look good. Of course no one knows what I'm working on in my life. I don't know what they're working on either.

Is the person with severe, disfiguring acne seeing a dermatologist? Is their skin looking better than it used to, or is this the worst it's ever been? Do they know there's help available? Are they seeking the help? Do they even want to?

Most of the people I meet, I will never know if they have drug addictions, destructive relationships, or are serial killers in their spare time. Why is it anyone's business whether I'm "working on" myself or not? And yes I know everyone can "see" fat, but you can see acne, you can see poor hygeine, you can see limping, there are all sorts of medical and social conditions that we can assess pretty accurately bey contact with other people.

And I will not say that fat is the last prejudice - there are still plenty of judgements and prejudices being thrown around - some are just more sociallly acceptable to admit than others, but it all boils down to people believing that they have a right to be spared the sight and contact with "certain people."

Sadly many people DO avoid going out into situations in which their "flaws" will be exposed. And I think it's wrong. A deep scar running down your face shouldn't prevent you from having a real life, whether or not you're seeing a plastic surgeon who is going to be able to fix it, and you're not obligated to tell anyone whether you have a surgery date, and when it's scheduled to be fixed. No body's business.

The same with fat. I don't owe strangers an accounting for my life. I don't have to hand out pamphlets explaining my weight, my diet plan, how long I've been trying to lose it, what my starting weight was, what my goal weight is, what has kept me from weight loss in the past, the ways in which I'm a great person, despite the fat..... No body's business.

It sounds defensive, but it's not. I'm arguing against defensiveness. I am not obligated to defend myself. I am a very open, honest, and friendly person. I try very hard not to judge, and can find things in common with almost anyone. I chose my husband because he is very much the same way. (We have a very wide assortment of friends - people even comment on it, because our friends come from a wide assortment of backgrounds, socioeconomic classes, income levels, ethnicities, religions, ages, genders, sexual orientations, and physical characteristics). Our weight isn't a reason people like or dislike us (at least if we choose them as friends).

We've got unusually outgoing personalities. We start up conversations and frequently become close friends with perfect strangers, and we've made amazing friends of people who probably wouldn't have ever made the first step towards friendship themselves. Not because they couldn't see past our flaws, but because they were so conscious of their own that they would have been afraid to put themselves "out there."

Not everyone has or wants that kind of personality, but the idea that you have to change to fit into a socially-sanctioned mold, is more destructive than helpful. Sure peer pressure can be good - it can prevent people from stealing and hurting people. The fear of ostracism for being too weird can be a positive influence, but often it's just a way to make people sheeple.

I'm so nauseated by the pressure to "follow everyone else, and don't ask why."

I like being different, I like standing out. My weight isn't the best way to do it - and I believe that my weight is NOT the main reason I stick out (but I have to acknowledge that it is one of the ways). I know sometimes my husband and I stick out as the big, fat, pale-skinned, loud, funny people who will talk about anything with anyone (for hours and hours if you let us).

Yes, I'm looking forward to our size being taken out of the equation, but our appearance will never be. How we dress, our physical characteristics will always be the first thing people will see and judge, but we're always going to leave a lasting impression on people based on our personalities, and it usually seems to be a good one. I'm happy with that, even when I'm not happy with the physical impression.

angelskeep
04-17-2010, 04:27 PM
I have to say, I don't think I've ever looked at myself through anyone's eyes but my own. sometimes I've been pleased, sometimes not. BUT, I've never ever had any problems being the life of the party, being the person others wanted to talk to for advice, being a good friend, being considered birght and funny....all things I would want to be. I have to assume that there is something about me that is worthwhile, and that it doesn't have anything to do with my size. Perhaps I am blind to it, but I don't remember being made fun of since I've become supersized, except for one woman who was a guest and called me a slob. And the day she was here, she was right. But again, I don't think it was because I was big, but because I had gained a lot of weight, had spent a lot of tije travelling for business, came home and discovered the only thing I could wear was some old sweatpants. The woman stayed here before I had a chance to go buy clothes that fit properly.

She also didn't like my dog and told the reservation agency who booked her stay that the dog tried to knock her out of her chair at breakfast, though the dog is not allowed at the breakfast table period.

What I'm getting at is that people who care will care no matter what, and people who are rude will find a reason, whether it is valid or not.

Please yourself first as long as you are kind to others too, considerate, and follow the golden rule. Don't stay in hiding...it won't help if you are totally disconnected from the world around you. Help make that world a large and pleasant place for you to be!

Barb

MelloFatto
04-17-2010, 09:57 PM
Yeah, but it's usually only when I go out with my smaller friends, I know that they don't judge me, it's when they want to go in stores like Victoria's Secret, American Eagle, Ambercrombie.. and other stuff that just doesn't fit.

mmccurdy
04-17-2010, 10:41 PM
I weight 176 pounds, but I feel exactly the same way you do, everything is in our minds...nobody is judging you but yourself, when people tell me u are beautyful i say thank you, but i dont believe it, maybe they do but i dont...weight changes your form, but you still have, your nice hair, nice smile, cute eyes, nice hands, you are sensual and everything. and remember when naked, men see you 10 pounds lighter hihihi Bless

dragonwoman64
04-18-2010, 06:19 PM
The worst part is that people can't tell you're working, you know? I mean, some of us (like me) are starting at 300. Even if we've lost 50 or 100 pounds, we're going to look fat to people who have never met us. It's really discouraging sometimes. I guess we just have to look ahead and try to forget about it for now.


I've been up at the 300 plus mark. and down about 40 from where I am now. and all places in between over the years. I've been in that place where I felt awkward and embarrassed about going out. and I went to Paris when I was over 300 lbs (the dream trip of my life at that point). I'm not meaning to say all is roses, and negative situations with people never occur (or have occurred), the world is what it is, but honestly if I let my weight stop me completely, I wouldn't have some of the wonderful memories and experiences that I have had.

I also agree with the post about looking around you and seeing all the different types of people out there. life is not tv or the movies, where everyone is thin and gorgeous. lots of people have kids and stress and gain weight, get wrinkles, sag, develop sun spots, lumps, limps, have bad hair days, acne, etc.