Weight Loss Support - Taboo Subject - Weight Loss Jealousy




FreeBird3
04-14-2010, 12:11 PM
I will most likely get grilled by many people on this message board for expressing my views in this post. Here goes…

I’m one of those people that gets jealous/envious when a coworker/friend/family member loses weight and goes from ‘’flab to fab’’ so to speak. There, I admitted it. I know it’s my problem. I have a coworker that was much bigger than me when we first started working together 3 years ago. Now she has dropped the weight and went from a size 16 to a size 4. Yes, I’m jealous. Instead of her weight loss motivating me, I find myself loathing her and eating unhealthy foods instead. Also, I find myself secretly hoping she gains back some, if not all, of the weight...or that another aspect of her life goes down the toilet. Like I said, I know it's my issue.

I’m a 30-something year old, financially independent grown woman, yet I know that I’m behaving childishly for comparing myself to all these women in my life who have lost the weight and look great while I have either gained some weight or remained at the same weight. I am definitely considered ‘’the fat one’’ out of my group of peers. I no longer have someone in my social circle that I can secretly say to myself ‘’Well, I’m not slender, but at least I’m not the fattest one out of the group, so I’m okay.’’

In elementary school, I would compare myself to pretty and slender Jessica. In middle school, I would compare myself to pretty and slender Jaymie and Melissa. In high school, I would compare myself to the pretty and slender popular girls…etc etc. When I graduated college and started my first job, there was a woman my age by the name of Carly. She was definitely much bigger than me, but the she started working out and lost the weight. I was very jealous of her successful weight loss efforts. As for today, at my current job, I find myself being jealous of Chrissy’s weight loss. She looks amazing! This should motivate me, but it doesn’t.

How do you go from being the green-eyed monster to focusing on your own self, focusing on your own weight loss program, and actually sticking to your own weight loss program in order to lose weight? I’ve had this unhealthy weight loss comparison mentality ever since I was a little girl and was told to start dieting because I was considered fat compared to other girls. How did you break the cycle of being jealous/envious of others and get yourself to lose the weight instead of wasting mental energy on jealousy?


mortonpixie
04-14-2010, 12:37 PM
I understand your jealousy. I constantly compare myself to others. I take on to many tasks, work to hard and hold myself to a way higher standard than I ever would anyone else. And a higher standard than is normally humanly possible.

How do I focus on my self? That's a tough question. Commonly, I just work so fast and furious that I have little time to look around. That being said - it takes constant effort. In the gym - she's younger and trimmer than me (can I do anything about it? Younger - no. Trimmer - working on it!) On the trail - she's faster than me. Someone always will be.

I mostly operate on the assumption, now, that someone will always be "_____-er" than me. Smarter, richer, thinner, faster, healthier. But I'm stubborn and highly driven. So my goal is to make sure there are fewer and fewer of those that are "better" and more and more folks sucking wind behind me. ;)

YOU must work. There is NO pill. There is NO easy way out. Sounds like you're almost mad enough to make it work. Re-focus that irritation from others and their success to yourself and your lack of effort.

Anyway - that's what I had to do for myself. Sorry if I sound gruff - I'm not a real hearts and flowers kida gal. Works for me.

:hug:

MeghanMG
04-14-2010, 12:39 PM
Good Morning!

Well, you said it a few times in your post, you know its "you". I think its almost natural to be jealous of someone who has acheived a goal that you so badly want for yourself. But, wishing someone to gain all the weight back or something else to fall apart in their life isn't the way to go.

You know the saying, miserly loves company? I think that might describe this situation. Is there something else that has really bothered you, or something that happened to you that made you gain weight? Im thinking maybe there is another issue, other than your weight that makes you feel this way.

BTW, kuddos to you for being so honest with how you feel! I think admitting to a problem is the first step in getting over it.

Imagine yourself in their shoes, you've lost all this weight, and then you over hear a coworker saying that she wishes you would gain it all back? I bet it would be frustrating, because it takes A LOT of work to loose this weight.

How about talking to your coworker and ask her what her secret is? You can tell her that its difficult for you, and maybe she has some good advice.

We all know how hard this journey is, and getting support is so important. The feelings you have for these skinny women, has it maybe hindered your attempts at loosing weight?

All I can say is maybe take a look at your life as a whole, and see what is making you unhappy, and then work on changing those things. You'll get there honey! Just don't give up!:hug:


Ija
04-14-2010, 12:51 PM
I, too, think it's natural to feel some jealousy when someone accomplishes something that you're struggling to achieve, and negative feelings can be augmented if the successful one develops an arrogant or condescending attitude. It's really tough, but you have to learn to focus on yourself, your own journey, your own issues, and remind yourself that everyone's situation is different. Some people are lucky to have supportive partners and families, easy access to healthy food, ample time to cook and exercise, and be unaffected by depression, binge eating, and other psychological disorders. For others, the hurdles may be higher. But your struggle is all your own. Keep the focus on you and your health, and let everyone else move along their own paths ;)

Amarantha2
04-14-2010, 01:02 PM
I wouldn't worry too much about those kinds of negative feelings, they'll disappear over time. Sounds pretty human to me!

Just focus on your own journey as much as possible and all will be well.

yossarianlives
04-14-2010, 01:16 PM
It's a very basic, primal instinct to want another woman to be fatter, uglier, etc, than you. You want *you* to look the best! I wouldn't stress.

My supervisor at work has kind of befriended me and has told me that she is losing weight too. I am not happy about that... but I use the energy from that to spur me on.

Maybe you could think about losing the weight, so that someone else can be as envious of you? Honestly, it's something that you have to figure out yourself.

Just remember, never apologise for being human...

mamaspank
04-14-2010, 01:26 PM
I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all. Competitiveness has been a driving force for me all my life, whether it is with myself or with others. Everyone has that amazing looking friend that they would kill to be as skinny as. If that is what has kept me in check with my own weight, so be it.

belezura
04-14-2010, 01:38 PM
I heard ya!!! and I can understand and tell you that one day I was on your shoes (we are all humans after all), until I decided I wanna be the one that someone would be jealous about.
So I used that feeling to work for me instead against me...
Today I am the one who lost weight and might be the one others are jealous about... and when I was reading your post, that just made me that more motivated about it.
You can also switch that feeling inside you to make it work for you. I still jealous of other people, but now that just make me work even harder to try be the best I can be.
Just think about who you want to be (the one who is jealous of people, or the one other people will be jealous of)
I think once you turn things around it will be easier to keep it that way... and the more results you get the more motivated you are.

Eliana
04-14-2010, 01:45 PM
Yeah, I don't think you'll get slammed, not here. ;) Jealousy is certainly a very normal thing.

I focus on myself most of the time, but jealousy certainly does rear its ugly head. It's at those times that I try to remind myself that I hope to be whatever size by whatever time, so just keep going. I can't snap my fingers and make myself thin. It's just not going to happen.

Also, I feel much better about myself when I am actively DOING something about this. I feel much less jealousy then.

FreeBird3
04-14-2010, 02:52 PM
Thanks for the support! I really thought folks were going to tear me apart for wishing a former fat person would become fat again due to my own insecurities.

In terms of using the mentality of competiting with Chrissy (a.k.a the current woman I am comparing myself against on a physical appearence basis), isn't it actually an unhealthy mind-set to lose the weight in order to get her jealous? I don't know if I am stating this clearly on the message board, but it seems like I would be (more) mentally unheathly if I selected a particular person and said "Okay, my goal is to get as small, if not smaller, than HER!''. There is something unhealthy about it, don't you think? It would most likely make me lose the weight, but I think it wouldn't make me actually break the bad mental cycle of constantly comparing myself to Chrissy or whomever. You see, that's the thing....I want to end the cycle of being fixated on a particular person in terms of using that person as some sort of baseline of how I should look.

Again, I don't know if I'm making any clear sense, but I do appreciate you ladies telling me that what I'm feeling is natural and human.

astrophe
04-14-2010, 03:00 PM
I think what you feel is not unheard of but how to break it for you is something only you can answer.

I think you have more going on and jealousy is just the surface emotion.

I have a coworker that was much bigger than me when we first started working together 3 years ago. Now she has dropped the weight and went from a size 16 to a size 4. Yes, I’m jealous. Instead of her weight loss motivating me, I find myself loathing her and eating unhealthy foods instead. Also, I find myself secretly hoping she gains back some, if not all, of the weight...or that another aspect of her life goes down the toilet. Like I said, I know it's my issue.

Like, ok, feel jealous. Nobody can help their feelings. They just feel what they feel when they feel it.

But why eat in response? Why not just feel the jealousy and let it be felt? Why are you trying to stuff the jealous feeling away?


In terms of using the mentality of competiting with Chrissy (a.k.a the current woman I am comparing myself against on a physical appearence basis), isn't it actually an unhealthy mind-set to lose the weight in order to get her jealous?

Yes. I think losing weight just to make Chrissy jealous is not healthy. It is also pointless.

If you are losing weight to somehow "one up" Chrissy... you assume she cares and will be jealous in return when you "beat" her. What goes on inside her own head is her deal. She might be jealous, she may be happy for you... etc.
What would you get if Chrissy doesn't notice at all? Or moves to another job mid effort?

Do you take pride in your fitness effort and you taking care of you, or do you slam yourself for not getting the response you were after -- the "Chrissy is jealous of me"?

It would seem that you base your self esteem on external variables (ex: how other people look compared to you) rather than internal valuation of yourself/skills. I would put this as the problem, not the jealousy. I think the jealousy is an expression of the deeper problem.

Not trying to be mean... just trying to understand a foreign viewpoint. :?: So back to this...

How do you go from being the green-eyed monster to focusing on your own self, focusing on your own weight loss program, and actually sticking to your own weight loss program in order to lose weight? How did you break the cycle of being jealous/envious of others and get yourself to lose the weight instead of wasting mental energy on jealousy?

I think you may have to do some self-esteem work so that it isn't based on other people but on you yourself and your skills. Then perhaps you can focus on your own program and stick to it. If you base your self esteem on other people and how they are doing, it seems distracting. You keep looking away from your program to see how you are doing rather than looking at your own work.

If you were taking a test, it would be like checking all the other people in the room to see if you were done yet rather than at your own test.

Hope that makes sense.

GL! :)

A.

CarbsAreEvil
04-14-2010, 03:13 PM
I really understand how you feel. I'm so competitive, to the point I can't even hear about someone else without comparing myself. I don't know how to get past it, but I do know how to use it as fuel and that's what I do.

Glory87
04-14-2010, 04:40 PM
It would be too exhausting to be jealous of everyone else for all the things I wish I had. There is always going to be someone that is: thinner, has a more beautiful body, has great hair, pretty blue eyes, shorter, taller, has more money, has adorable kids, is smarter, can parallel park, has a better nose, can grow long finger nails, can whistle, can sketch, is famous, has a cool car, has an iPad, has a prettier house, is good at decorating, has a SO that loves to dance, likes to work out....

Where would it end?

kaplods
04-14-2010, 05:09 PM
I think we have alot more control over our emotions and thoughts than we often give ourselves credit for. The impulse may be involuntary, but we can learn to change the impulse and we do have a choice as to whether we "feed" the unhealthy emotions and thoughts.

I'm not criticising your internal monologue. Only you know if the thoughts and emotions are impacting negatively upon your life. If you're spending a lot of time comparing yourself to others (and you always come up short) and wishing ill on other people, I'd say you may want to try changing, just so you can be happier. Life is to short to wish misery on yourself or anyone else. Because even "revenge" thoughts tend to be positive or neutral only for a very short time, then they tend to become damaging (and more to you than the other person who usually as no idea how you're feeling, and you probably want it that way).

How do you change? There are a lot of ways to modify internal dialogue (there are tons of self-help books on the topic), but I think the simplest is talking to yourself. I do it all the time (usually silently).

I tell myself all the time "Colleen, you're being silly......"

I can talk myself out of poor choices, including the mental ones.


My best advice is to go for practicality - not guilt. You don't need to beat up on yourself for being "bad," you want to go for treating yourself with respect. Tell yourself what you'd tell your best friend,

something like "wishing her fat doesn't help me any. I don't need to envy someone else to feel good, I'm a great person because...."

instead of "wishing her fat makes me a horrible person, I'm evil. Why can't I be happy for her, I'm just so petty. Why do I always do this...."


I'm not saying this has been your internal dialog (but it has been mine).


It took me decades to learn that weight loss works best for me, when I'm doing it for self-pampering not self-punishing reasons. Though I still sometimes have to remind myself of that. I really have (for the most part) learned to usually choose to care very little about what "other people" are doing (except as inspiration for cool ways to treat myself better).

So it's "I want that for myself too," instead of "I don't want her to have it, because I don't."

Again, I'm not saying that it isn't entirely "normal" to feel resentment, envy, jealously..... but when they start hurting me I have to find ways to get rid of them. It's entirely "normal" to eat junk and overeat and be overweight, but that kind of "normal" isn't working for me, so I have to change it. The same goes for my internal behavior, if it's hurting me (or others which usually comes back to hurting me anyway) then I need to change it.

I've found the internal dialog easier to change than I expected. I'm not saying it is easy, it's just that it's very doable, and you don't have to pull in guilt or shame to do it. Just practicalit reasoning, realizing and acting upon the discovery that "I do best when I think this way....." and finding the things that help me think that way. It may be messages I tell myself. It might be things I do to distract myself...

MidgieMonroe
04-14-2010, 06:20 PM
I think it's great that you have identified that emotion. I have a relative I feel this way with. I tend to be jealous of everything about her. I love her to death and she's wonderful. While she was visiting recently, she was watching what she ate and all I wanted to do was hide inside myself.

I think that the first step is identifying those feelings. Of course, that's the easy part. The second part is understanding that while natural, they aren't very helpful. The third part is turning that energy into something else. I'm going to start Wii boxing whenever I get mad/frustrated/jealous.

Maybe try harnessing your energy into something. Crafting, writing, playing, anything that helps get your attention away from those feelings.

CarbsAreEvil
04-14-2010, 06:52 PM
I was just thinking about this, and there is one thing I do to help me get over my jealous or competitive feelings. I compliment the person, when I do that, for some reason those little feelings die down somewhat.

paris81
04-14-2010, 07:42 PM
I don't think you're horrible at all. It's totally normal to be jealous of other people's success.

This makes me think of "Schadenfreude", the word in German that means enjoying the misfortunes of others. You say you wish other parts of her life would fall apart--Schadenfreude--I mean, if there's a word for it, I think that means it's a pretty common human thought/behavoir/emotion!

OneStepAtATime
04-14-2010, 08:02 PM
I don't have much to add, but I just wanted to add that I feel that way too, sometimes. So, you're not alone...

Shmead
04-14-2010, 09:18 PM
I think the problem isn't the jealousy. The problem is thinking nasty, mean things about girls before they lose weight.

When you let yourself think "God, I can't believe she _________, I'd never let myself get like that, I'd never eat that or whatever, you are accepting a world where it's ok to think mean things about someone if they are "worse" than you, somehow. Then, when someone goes from "worse" than you to "better" than you, you assume they are thinking all the nasty, mean things about you that you used to think about them--and you think that's all right, you deserve it. This leads to self-loathing and jealousy.

This is a terrible pattern. Try to think nice things about people that are "worse" than you in whatever area. Control the inner catty monologue. Then, when other people are "better" than you, you won't assume they are giving an inner catty monologue about you.

Eumie
04-14-2010, 09:32 PM
In the end, what you tell yourself you're feeling about "her" is just you deflecting attention away from how you feel about yourself. I know this, because I was there at one time. It was easier for me to wish ill on the people who "had it easy" in my mind than it was to admit to myself that I didn't find my own behavior acceptable.

My boss often likes to say that when you point a finger at someone, you're really pointing back at yourself. I think that is so true. And it's okay. We're not expected to not feel jealous of people, or to always think positively of them. But when we do find ourselves pointing at them, or wishing ill on them, it benefits us to take a second to see what we're actually saying about ourselves.

My suggestion to you? Love yourself instead of disliking them. Love yourself enough to keep on plan. Love yourself healthy. Just like diet and exercise, it ain't easy, but its what we all need to do.

Lori Bell
04-14-2010, 09:45 PM
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence...huh? ;)

I'm on the other side of the fence. I once was the absolute fattest person, (male or female) in my small community (really, I was). I am now the smallest adult person. I seriously have heard or overheard every comment imaginable about my weight loss. Some of the comments have been nice, but there are a lot of jealous people and I've heard alot of hurtful things like..."Don't be jealous of Lori, she'll gain it all back" or "She must have had super-duper secret gastric by-pass surgery" or "She'll never keep it off". You name it, I've heard it via the rumor mill. I'll tell you, it makes for a pretty lonely life...But one thing it has done for me is makes me even more bound and determine to NOT gain it back.

When 1/2 of your community is praying and hoping and wishing you'll get fat again is pretty heart breaking. It's taught me a lot about my own jealousy issues. Basically, I have become a convert. I don't envy anyone for anything now days. Being the target of envy has changed my life. When you lose all your weight, maybe you'll change too.

redsox33
04-14-2010, 10:29 PM
I LOVE your original post because it's so honest. A few responded that they have similar thoughts, and for every person who responded, there are dozens who read your post and feel the exact same way, but don't respond.

A couple of thoughts:

Jealousy over someone else ends up hurting you the most.

A stressed body can NOT become a healthy body. Jealousy raises your blood pressure, therefore putting unnecessary stress on your body. You're also jabbing or stabbing at your soul every time you're jealous.

Just because someone may have something you want, does NOT mean their life is PERFECT. You have no idea if SHE is jealous of YOU for something you have that they want.

Finally, I'm quite confident that because all of us have electricity and access to the internet means we are all in the top 10% of wealthy humans on this planet. I'm not saying money = happiness, but the 90% of people below our wealth have very little. Very little food, poor housing or no housing, no education, may work 18 hours a day for the equivalent of 2 American dollars (or Euros, or British Pounds, etc). They may live in a country where women are treated like scum. They may have no freedoms. We need to be aware of how the majority of this Earth would give ANYTHING for one day of our lives. Please try to put it all into perspective. I know it's tough/hard to think of what's out there (or not there) when what you want surrounds you.

NO ONE finds true happiness while "keeping up with the Joneses". I spent the past few years wishing I "had", and now, after simplifying my life due to financial reasons, the most enjoyable things I have are not tangible. Same with weight loss. When you stop comparing what others have (or have lost, weight wise) the pounds will melt away.

Tai
04-14-2010, 11:36 PM
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence...huh? ;)

I'm on the other side of the fence. I once was the absolute fattest person, (male or female) in my small community (really, I was). I am now the smallest adult person. I seriously have heard or overheard every comment imaginable about my weight loss. Some of the comments have been nice, but there are a lot of jealous people and I've heard alot of hurtful things like..."Don't be jealous of Lori, she'll gain it all back" or "She must have had super-duper secret gastric by-pass surgery" or "She'll never keep it off". You name it, I've heard it via the rumor mill. I'll tell you, it makes for a pretty lonely life...But one thing it has done for me is makes me even more bound and determine to NOT gain it back.

When 1/2 of your community is praying and hoping and wishing you'll get fat again is pretty heart breaking. It's taught me a lot about my own jealousy issues. Basically, I have become a convert. I don't envy anyone for anything now days. Being the target of envy has changed my life. When you lose all your weight, maybe you'll change too.

:hug: Lori, I'm sorry you've had to hear such hurtful things; it must be very upsetting. I'm so glad you're able to use it to your advantage though to continue maintaining. :hug:

schubunny
04-15-2010, 03:44 AM
I just take the jealousy and use it as (secret) competitive motivaton. I just think - I have to catch up, so I will work even harder than I am now. It helps that I am incredibly competitive with just about everything.

I was on the other side of this topic a few months ago. As in, I kept talking about my weight loss to friends at work and they would either make snide comments or not give a rats-behind. I eventually realized that I should probably keep it to myself and once I did they began making positive comments and on their own. Kinda weird how that works.

Ms JanVan
04-15-2010, 04:14 AM
How do you go from being the green-eyed monster to focusing on your own self, focusing on your own weight loss program, and actually sticking to your own weight loss program in order to lose weight? I’ve had this unhealthy weight loss comparison mentality ever since I was a little girl and was told to start dieting because I was considered fat compared to other girls. How did you break the cycle of being jealous/envious of others and get yourself to lose the weight instead of wasting mental energy on jealousy?

I mentioned in an earlier post today that one of my biggest problems was making excuses and to add its almost a well known train of thought that society expects us to be thinner,prettier,etc. I had to change my way of eating for health reasons and the most important part of wanting to make a change/lose weight is to want it for yourself and not for others. I had a flashback to my 20's when a thinner co-worker made ugly remarks about "fat people" and to retaliate I ended up eating a pack of 5 cinnamon donuts in the bathroom @ work - it didnt help because she stayed thin & I kept on gaining weight!! The only "advice" I can give is that the "weight lose journey" has many detours and bumps in the road and it wouldnt be Life if it didnt have it's challenges.... Stay strong for yourself and keep trying until you get it right!!!!!

Joy2MeNu
04-15-2010, 12:27 PM
Thanks for the support! I really thought folks were going to tear me apart for wishing a former fat person would become fat again due to my own insecurities.

In terms of using the mentality of competiting with Chrissy (a.k.a the current woman I am comparing myself against on a physical appearence basis), isn't it actually an unhealthy mind-set to lose the weight in order to get her jealous? I don't know if I am stating this clearly on the message board, but it seems like I would be (more) mentally unheathly if I selected a particular person and said "Okay, my goal is to get as small, if not smaller, than HER!''. There is something unhealthy about it, don't you think? It would most likely make me lose the weight, but I think it wouldn't make me actually break the bad mental cycle of constantly comparing myself to Chrissy or whomever. You see, that's the thing....I want to end the cycle of being fixated on a particular person in terms of using that person as some sort of baseline of how I should look.

Again, I don't know if I'm making any clear sense, but I do appreciate you ladies telling me that what I'm feeling is natural and human.


I take relief in knowing that you seek to change this overpowering obsession. If you recognize (and you do) it is an obstacle to your own success, then you can address it. You obviously are a person seeking wisdom in a situation you have observed is destroying your chance at success. The only person who can truly benefit from such recognition is YOU. Focus on a healthier you and not how it affects anyone else and you will be able to improve spiritually (this is a spiritual issue!), mentally, AND physically. Your anger is hurting you far more than anyone else. And from experience I can tell you that once you get a handle on this, you become calmer and more at peace with the world around you.

Jealousy is explained like this in the book of James:
You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and manipulate to get it. You want what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them.

So reclaim all control my friend. Seek out all possible ways to slay this monster! Blessings!

jenwoobiekins
04-15-2010, 04:52 PM
I completely understand and empathize with where you are coming from. My friend and I, after starting weight loss several times, joined WW 18 months ago. We both started out great, I lost 20, she lost 30. Then I fell off the wagon. Fast forward 18 months, she's lost almost 200 and I've gained 25. It KILLS me. She looks fantastic. She obsesses on exercise and weight loss now, and that gets on my nerves. I'm thrilled that she "got it" as far as things clicking for her, and hope that someday, that will be me.

I think jealousy is just human nature. Last year, my sister in law got pregnant on purpose with her second child. My biological clock is ticking so loudly it's keeping me up at night, but my SO is just not ready and I don't know if he ever will be, but I'm not into games or trapping a man. Today, he and I are stronger than ever and her husband walked out on her and her two week old baby. Sometimes, you have to be careful what you wish for!

saef
04-15-2010, 05:48 PM
These other women you're identifying in your post as subjects of your envy are merely a distraction. Focusing on them & on your feelings about them, rather than looking directly at yourself, and asking yourself how you feel about yourself, is another a form of denial & a way of avoiding tackling your own issues.

But you knew that already -- you know that you are procrastinating about making a change in yourself by substituting a preoccupation with them & your imaginary competition with them.

Working out helped me with this. Yeah I do feel flashes of envy at other, more fit people thumping out their fast miles on the treadmill beside me, the slender blondes walking in after their runs to stretch. But increasingly they're brief. My job is not to be another Running Blonde; my job is to be the best Saef possible. It's the only thing I'm qualified for.

Also, personally, it helps when I know the object of my envy better. Then I have to acknowledge on some level that I can't just have that woman's quads & calves, and leave the rest -- I'd have to take on her whole life, of which her body is just the physical manifestation, & that would include all her s*t, and her s*t is not in any way preferable to my own s*t.

I know that I am in this thing alone -- when I'm in the gym it's just me, breathing, moving & concentrating on making my own best time. Me vs. the treadmill, me vs. the elliptical, me vs. my metabolism & the aging process & yeah, me vs. mortality, too. It's very much one-on-one, really -- & no sense in dragging in some other person entirely, as others' lives are irrelevant to your own personal struggle to live within the one body you've been given. You're gonna be alone in that body in the hospital bed when things break down. Better start taking care of it now & forget those others.

ledom
04-15-2010, 11:45 PM
Great reading here.

When I find myself directing a lot of negative energy toward someone, I have to stop and ask myself why I am so angry? If I can center myself I can overcome it. Deepok Chopra's 7 Spiritual Laws of Success has helped me in that regard.

choirgirlhotel
04-16-2010, 01:21 AM
These other women you're identifying in your post as subjects of your envy are merely a distraction. Focusing on them & on your feelings about them, rather than looking directly at yourself, and asking yourself how you feel about yourself, is another a form of denial & a way of avoiding tackling your own issues.

Very true - sometimes people will go to any lengths to avoid dealing with their own stuff. I know I have.

here's something though, when you "go there" to that place of examining your feelings that you are afraid of, most of the time you realize that it's not as bad as you thought it would be. Fear is a big bully most of the time.

~CGH~

Joy2MeNu
04-16-2010, 10:53 AM
These other women you're identifying in your post as subjects of your envy are merely a distraction. Focusing on them & on your feelings about them, rather than looking directly at yourself, and asking yourself how you feel about yourself, is another a form of denial & a way of avoiding tackling your own issues.

But you knew that already -- you know that you are procrastinating about making a change in yourself by substituting a preoccupation with them & your imaginary competition with them.

Working out helped me with this. Yeah I do feel flashes of envy at other, more fit people thumping out their fast miles on the treadmill beside me, the slender blondes walking in after their runs to stretch. But increasingly they're brief. My job is not to be another Running Blonde; my job is to be the best Saef possible. It's the only thing I'm qualified for.

Also, personally, it helps when I know the object of my envy better. Then I have to acknowledge on some level that I can't just have that woman's quads & calves, and leave the rest -- I'd have to take on her whole life, of which her body is just the physical manifestation, & that would include all her s*t, and her s*t is not in any way preferable to my own s*t.

I know that I am in this thing alone -- when I'm in the gym it's just me, breathing, moving & concentrating on making my own best time. Me vs. the treadmill, me vs. the elliptical, me vs. my metabolism & the aging process & yeah, me vs. mortality, too. It's very much one-on-one, really -- & no sense in dragging in some other person entirely, as others' lives are irrelevant to your own personal struggle to live within the one body you've been given. You're gonna be alone in that body in the hospital bed when things break down. Better start taking care of it now & forget those others.


Wow, this is great!

Wannabeskinny
04-16-2010, 12:13 PM
Although jealousy is an understandable human emotion it can both work in your benefit AND against you. I believe there are 2 kinds of jealousy at play within ourselves

The first type I'll call it "Positive jealousy." This is what you feel when you see someone has achieved something you want but motivates you and inspires you to go after it yourself. "Wow, how did you lose weight, can you give me some tips?" With positive jealousy you are focused on yourself and how you can do the best for you. Often you will feel happy for the other person and will want to share in their joy. This kind of jealousy is abundant in our lives we don't even notice it half the time.

The second type I will call "Negative jealousy." This is when you wish ill on someone else... you wish that something bad will happen to them or that their luck will be reversed. This kind of jealousy makes you wallow in self-loathing and self pity, and you linger on negative thoughts about the other person, often thinking that they don't deserve happiness.

When you are the object of negative jealousy (like our friend Lori) it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure it out. We all try to stay away from people like that because they can be so destructive to us and themselves. I'm sure people know that this is how you feel about them - it will eventually impact your relationships if you continue down this destructive line of thinking. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I really believe in the power of the energy that people put out. Choose to be a positive force instead of a negative one.

That being said, we've all been there. We have all dipped our toes into the pool of negative jealousy. Some more than others. I really see you swimming in a sea of negativity and you don't deserve to do this to yourself. The important question you asked was how to get out of it. The answer is you simply have to be the light of positive thinking in your life.

I strive to achieve this (sometimes with success, sometimes not so much), by feeding my self esteem. I do this during exercise. When I exercise I feel alive and well. I use the entire time when I'm walking to think positive thoughts about myself.
"I deserve this time to myself"
"I love my body when it's sweating"
"I love watching the seasons change during my walks."
"I am so beautiful."
"I am so dedicated to my healthy lifestyle."
On and on the positive inner monologue goes. For women like us who have struggled with our weight for decades we have been hating ourselves for so long that words of love to ourselves seem foreign. It takes practice but you will get there.

Gold32
04-16-2010, 02:34 PM
First off, let me warn that I've only skimmed the conversation since the first post. But this quote stood out:

These other women you're identifying in your post as subjects of your envy are merely a distraction. Focusing on them & on your feelings about them, rather than looking directly at yourself, and asking yourself how you feel about yourself, is another a form of denial & a way of avoiding tackling your own issues.

This is what I was thinking. There is a difference between jealousy and wishing someone ill will. The only reason to wish someone ill will is if you want their failure to join yours, or if you want to feel that your failure to lose weight isn't your own fault since, hey, others can't lose and keep it off either. I'm not saying these are specific to the OP and others like her, but yeah, I see wishing bad things towards someone who has lost weight as purely a distraction from looking at yourself. Because when you think about it, what does wishing someone else ill will really have to do with YOU? What good does that serve? Why do it? Jealousy, at least, can be a motivator, but it's how you handle it that matters.

But as to the question of how to change, I don't think there really is one good, single answer. I think being honest with yourself, looking closer at your own feelings and motivations, trying to be happier with yourself, is probably the number one thing to do. And whoever said to give them a compliment was also spot on. It forces you to look at it from a positive. What about approaching her and asking her about it? Maybe you have misguided conceptions of her that you don't even realize you had. Try seeing her as a role model and motivator, and less of an enemy. But this may be impossible if you can't conquer your own demons first.

I wish you luck in this. Please know I do not judge you and agree that many, many people saw this, do the same, and didn't say anything. It's pretty common. Unfortunately, it might be one of those things that's common for the wrong reasons, so it is awesome that you are trying to change. :yes: