Weight Loss Support - My Husband Doesn't Like Skinny Women




Lyn2007
04-10-2010, 09:42 PM
When I started losing weight my husband told me, "I am not attracted to skinny women." I probably weighed 240 pounds when he told me this (I started at 278) and when I asked him "well are you attracted to women having heart attacks at 40? How about women whose joints give out and they can't walk? Because if I don't lose weight that;s where I am headed." He said he wanted me to lose weight, but not get TOO skinny.

Well since then he has done a lot of quiet sabotage. He'd put cream of butter in my scrambled eggs if I asked for them plain. He'd add melted butter to the "low fat" waffle batter. He started buying Girl Scout cookies, muffins, cases of Coke, 24-packs of candy bars and leaving them where I would see them, but HE doesn't even like Coke or muffins. I told him if he buys those things he oculd keep them in "his" cabinet and I wouldn't bother them. He refuses. He sets bags of candy on my laptop, buys huge bags of chips and eats them in front of me, buys ice cream and eats it in front of me, and buys sausage and bacon and fries it every morning with extra "in case I want some." I keep asking him to stop but he says "just because YOU want to lose weight doesn't mean I have to stop eating what I like." BTW he is almost 300 pounds if not more.

I dunno, I am just tired of dealing with it and I wish he would stop. It is so frustrating.


giselley
04-10-2010, 09:57 PM
well yeah, but at 5-7 that "not too skinny" is still maybe 150.

I personally feel that for a person to "dictate" by what ever means what they want another person to be/think/feel/ be is irrational and against human "God given" rights. You have the right to say no,l and if the person does not respect that, then they have a completely different idea of reality then you might.

He might not want you to loose weight because he does not want to take the effort to loose it himself.

I am a particularly visual woman and do not like the sight of overweight men. Jeepers, they even have more testosterone, a hormone useful in fat loss. It is a lot easier for men to lose weight then women.

Sunnigummi
04-10-2010, 10:01 PM
It doesn't look like quiet sabotage to me - that's outright sabotage. You mentioned your marriage is rocky. Are you (or both of you) willing to consider marriage counseling to work on the non-weight related issues in your relationship? Once those are ironed out or you have reached a compromise, then you can bring this up in therapy and hopefully find out exactly WHY he doesn't like "skinny women". To me, it sounds like he is refusing to accept that HE needs to lose weight and be healthy and was hoping that as his partner, you would have the same outlook. Now that you are changing for the better, he is being stubborn about his viewpoint and trying to get you back to your old ways so he can be in his comfort zone again. I think your best bet is marriage counseling. If he refuses to go, then you should go alone. I've heard/read that it helps either way. Of course, it would be great if you two go together. However, if you end up going alone, at least you have a neutral party to confide in.

Good luck! :hug:


waiting2exhale
04-10-2010, 10:06 PM
i would be irate if my man did that to me! He is not supporting you at all!

CanadianCutie
04-10-2010, 10:08 PM
Just a thought here. Perhaps he's not really "not attracted to skinny women", but maybe it's more that he's afraid that you'll get more attention as a skinny woman, and leave him.

Get n healthy
04-10-2010, 10:16 PM
Tell him, its doesnt matter if he likes skinny women or fat women. He just has to love YOU!

He needs to stop thinking about what HE likes and be more mindful and think about what is best for YOU. If that is quiet sabatage, i would hate to see blanant disregard.

Maybe he is insecure at what you will "be" when you are thin. When i start to lose weight before, my husband asks, "why are you doing this" and he really gets paranoid and insecure. He gets over it, but still, i think some men prefer us heavy, cause it makes them feel safe. Think it over.

Best to you, do what is right for YOU!

Viviane
04-10-2010, 10:21 PM
Just a thought here. Perhaps he's not really "not attracted to skinny women", but maybe it's more that he's afraid that you'll get more attention as a skinny woman, and leave him.

I second this. He's probably threatened by your efforts. Have you sat down with him and had the long, uncomfortable talk about your goals, the potential impact on your relationship, and his attempts to sabotage you? Maybe he needs reassurance that you love him and the changes you're making are about YOU, not him.

Guys can be kooky when it comes to this stuff- it seems like they're either taking the doughnut out of your hand or stuffing it down your throat!! Regardless, the sabotage needs to end ASAP.

Love your response to him about heart attacks at 40 and joints. You're dead-on, girl!!

ParadiseFalls
04-10-2010, 10:28 PM
I'm sorry you're dealing with that. What he's doing is cruel and disrespectful. You say you've asked him to stop, but have you had a direct conversation about it and said, "Look, I know what you're doing, and you need to stop"?

Lyn2007
04-10-2010, 10:42 PM
Some valid points here.

Lyn2007
04-10-2010, 10:44 PM
And also yes... I think he doesn't want to lose weight himself. He often says he wants to lose weight but when I make healthy (delicious) meals he adds butter, salt, gravy, oil, bacon....

I have been very blunt. I think if he buys candy or cookies "for me" next time I will say, "Oh, are these FOR ME?" and if he says yes I will dump them in the trash. I won't throw out food he buys for HIMSELF but if it is mine I can. Maybe that will get the point across.

PaulaM
04-10-2010, 10:48 PM
From all I have read on your blog, I think this time you will be strong enough to resist his food. I wouldn't let him cook for me if he is sneaking things into the food.

My husband has never been heavy so he really doesn't "get it" at all. I think he's been on a diet once in our 37 years together. He has no problem dragging me to restaurants late at night so he can get fattening desserts. I went along with it but now that I'm trying to watch it I will go and get tea. I keep trying to tell him it's like taking a recovering alcoholic to a bar and expecting them to have no problem. I don't have a sweet tooth so I try and keep desserts in the house for him, but he likes the socialization of getting out in public. I think he feels I should just be "adult" about it.

Viviane
04-10-2010, 10:52 PM
People have commented on my blog (and they are right) that I lose weight when he is out of town (6-8 week stretches) and when he comes back I regain. Well he has been gone 6 weeks, I lost 16 pounds while he was gone and he is coming back this week. I am really nervous about how to handle it.

This speaks volumes. :hug:

bargoo
04-10-2010, 10:55 PM
Why not prepare your own meals that way you can avoid the extra butter, cream, etc. And yes trash the cookies and chips, warn him first that if he brings them to you that you will put them in the garbage.

MablesGirl
04-10-2010, 10:58 PM
Good luck Lyn with talking to your husband when he gets back. I think counseling is a good idea too. I'm sure he is afraid of loosing you. I have caught myself nagging my husband more the more insecure I feel about myself and my attractiveness to him. I'm sure you are getting him out of his comfort zone, as Sunnigummi said.

Paula, I hear you. My hubby has been thin his whole life, and there are Cokes, cookies, candy, chips at our house too.

Mickeypnd
04-10-2010, 11:02 PM
wow. that sucks. Im kinda in the same boat as you are. my bf as told me he will help me lose weight, but he doesn't want me to lose so much because he is afriad of all the attention Im going to get from other guys.

I don't let that stop me, and I don't think you should either. No one should ever tell you not to be healthy to live a more full filling life. When you lose moer weight and the pressure he places on you becomes worse then I would consider talking to him (if you haven't already) and if that doesn't helping then maybe you should see a marriage consuleor.

kaplods
04-10-2010, 11:32 PM
This isn't the run-of-the-mill unintentional sabotage. This is out-and-out psychological warfare.

Personally, I could not bear being in a relationship with that overt a power struggle going on, and I'm married to a guy who has a very strong personality - he's a dear, but he's also a pain in the butt, because he's stubborn, opinionated, and has a tendency to be manipulative (which he admits, and for the most part keeps in check).

The dishonesty of hiding anything (even calories) in another person's food is disturbing to me. It reminds me of an uncle who would spike my grandmother's drinks with alcohol, when she made it clear she didn't want alcohol because it interacted with her medications. She was clear about her reasons for avoiding alcohol, and it was a very good reason for not wanting alcohol. Spiking her drinks and when confronted saying it wouldn't hurt her and was "good for her," was a power display and nothing more (I get to decide what you will or will not do, and if I say you'll drink alcohol, you'll drink alcohol).

My husband isn't always on the same diet path as I am, so what he chooses to eat, I'm not going to argue too much about, but I would never accept food from a person who had tampered with my food, even if it was my husband (probably especially if it was my husband).

My husband does cook less health-consciously than I do. I know I take that risk when I eat food he has prepared, but he's never been deceptive about it (of course, he isn't afraid of my losing weight either).

I'm not suggesting that you make any ultimatum, but it might help him to hear (if it's true) that his behavior is making it more likely that you'll leave him not less. I would also push for the counseling. I know it's hard to schedule with a traveling job, and he probably has tons of reasons he doesn't want to go.

Also (from my psych background - I have a bachelor's in psych and a master's degree in developmental, not counseling psychology), in my experience counseling often doesn't help when there are no consequences for inappropriate behavior. When your actions tell another person that they can do whatever they want to you, they often do.

I'm not blaming you for his behavior. I'm saying that he will continue to do exactly as he wishes, if there is no reason for him to stop. If he does not get the expected response, you might be able to get him to stop (I don't know how stubborn or diabolical he is).

Throwing out everything he brings to you for you is a good response "If it's mine, I get to do with it what I want." I would not accept anything he cooked that I didn't see him cook start to finish. I'd make a point of watching every move.

Of course I have strong personality issues myself, and I'd probably take it even further. I'd make a point to make a snack for myself, leave it unattended go to the restroom come back - make an obvious point of looking at him, looking at my snack, looking at him, pretending to think about it for a few seconds and then toss it in the trash. And if he says something at all (or maybe even if not) I'd say "I can't trust you not to tamper with my food, I have no idea what you could have put in this."

On some level his behavior is working for him. You have to discover a way to break the behavior/reward cycle, and you have to decide what you are willing to accept. How much abuse can you stand?

And yeah, I do think that tampering with a person's food against their wishes is abuse. Oversimplification? Maybe, but if you can't trust a person on an issue as fundamental as food, how can you trust them in any other area of your life together.

greenfishgirl
04-10-2010, 11:46 PM
My husband used to do this exact thing to me. He would bring me the foods I loved, that he didn't like, and set them right in front of me. I would get so upset.

This is how I handled it... After asking him many times to quit doing this, I told him that if he did it again, I would just throw the food away. He did it again. Right in front of him, without saying a word, I picked up the food and threw it in the garbage. He only tried it one more time. I threw the stuff away again. And he has never done it again since.

It was 4 years ago or so - I don't remember exactly what the food was - but he was trying to control me. I showed him that he couldn't and threw away the temptation because I knew that I am not strong enough to resist the temptation and what he was doing to me was blatently wrong. You don't treat your loved ones that way. It just isn't right.

Hang in there girl! And stand up firmly for yourself!

Lyn2007
04-10-2010, 11:48 PM
Thank you all, very helpful thoughts. Kaplods, you always have great insights and I appreciate you taking the time to share them with me. You're right, and I have a lot to think about.

brittleleaf
04-11-2010, 01:45 AM
I have never been married...hoping by the end of all this I find someone! It's been a long time since I've felt comfy enough with myself to venture a relationship.

astrophe
04-11-2010, 04:55 AM
I dunno, I am just tired of dealing with it and I wish he would stop. It is so frustrating.


Don't deal with it then. Stop trying to explain why you need to eat what you need. Just manage the situation rather than react to any baiting -- intentional or not.

On the snacks thing, say "Oh, thanks. That's was a nice thought. But let's not make clutter here on the counter... I'll put it in the special snack basket for later" and move it to a basket. When he next goes away, return it, take it to the trash, food bank, give it away, whatever.

He's tampered with the recipes often enough to where you can just not have him cook at your place. For instance, you make the breakfast, he washes up.

Or if he wants to help with food prep, and he messes up the waffle batter mix, buy Eggo toaster style then. Assign him toasting duty. Or have him pour the OJ or chop the fruit salad. Give him the simpler cooking tasks that aren't even possible to mess up shy of totally burning/spilling them!

Don't make food prep the battleground for whatever issues he's got. Counseling is where you try to work on issues. Whether it's fear of losing his eating buddy, fear of other men finding you attractive, the need to have control over you somehow -- whatever it is that is manifesting itself as food sabotage. Don't respond to the bait.

But do some soul searching too. You say this...


If we didn't have a small child together this would be an easy decision.

... which I think means mean breaking up? If you would break up if you were an adult couple, why does having a child change that? Married or not, you are still the parents and have parenting responsibilities.

I don't advocate throwing in the towel on a marriage for silly stuff, but if you truly feel you've given it your all and it isn't going to work... why stay on a sinking ship? It doesn't help you or child any.

I'm married to an adult child of divorce. He always says he saw it coming a mile away and wishes it had just happened sooner rather than trying to stay together "for the children's sake" and that someone had thought to ask his opinion.

Basically all the kids were just stuck for the ride and they had no control over anything. As the last child to grow up and move out all it meant for him is that he had to endure arguing/fighting way longer than his siblings did.

At least with a break up sooner rather than later, the stinky bits to divorce would still have been stinky but peace and quiet in the home would have come sooner. :shrug:

Hope things work out for you. GL! :hug:

A.

natamars
04-11-2010, 06:42 AM
Lyn, you sound like a really strong person. I am so impressed with all you have accomplished. I like everyone's ideas about just throwing the food away. The only thing you can control is your own behavior - not sure how he'll react, but that's his problem, not yours.

My husband and I started counselling recently. I wasn't sure he'd be willing to go, and I went alone to the first session. The psychologist said he often only sees one half of a couple - not ideal, but he could give me some strategies that might help. So it's definitely something for you to consider.

Keep posting - continued success to you on your journey.

Tomato
04-11-2010, 09:33 AM
I am coming late to this thread, and I cannot provide any other advice than what already had been given. I am sorry to you have to deal with this, as if weight loss on its own was not hard enough to deal with. I agree that this is a prime example of abusive behaviour and like the kaplod's suggestion - throw out the "sabotage" stuff that he is bringing into the house (well, your half). I believe this has nothing to do with him not liking thin women. He is acting out of insecurity, jealousy and fear, and he wants to control you. Don't put up with it.

Hugs being sent your way.

WarMaiden
04-11-2010, 09:52 AM
As Tomato said, this has nothing to do with your husband not liking "skinny women," Lyn. It's passive-aggressive, abusive power-playing, and that's all it is.

I think the fact that you are on Medifast currently may really help your situation. You're already off the sugar which causes such an emotional and mental fog for you, so that will help you deal with your husband. Also, you are intentionally limiting your food choices to what is in the Medifast plan rather than trying to calorie-count, so the distinction between what he brings home and your on-plan foods is much greater than before. (If you can have "anything" while calorie counting, sometimes that leads to having everything.) I think right now you have the tools to succeed on the food front while he's home, despite his manipulation and sabotage.

Good luck to you. We are ALL rooting for you.

CarbsAreEvil
04-11-2010, 11:06 AM
Throw it away. If he makes extra for you, throw it away. If he leaves candy on your laptop, throw it away. When he buys things you know he doesn't like, ask him if he wants it, if not, throw it away. He'll think twice next time before he spends his money on junk so that you can throw it away.

glenlorie
04-11-2010, 11:20 AM
I agree with most everyones comment about your husband being afraid you will draw attention by other men if you become "to skinny". It sounds like deep down, he is unhappy with himself and therefor (either conciously or subconciously) doesn't want you to be happy either. It is like you said, you need to lose weight to prevent health problems (such as heart disease). It sounds like you are strong and can resist his sabatoge (which is outrageous!) but you shouldn't have too. He should be supportive and trying to help, not trying to set you back. You mentioned your relationship was rocky, is marriage counseling a possibility? You don't deserve to be treated that way and maybe it is time to have a sit down and "strong talk" with your husband. Let him know you see what he is trying to do and it is not going to work. All it does is make you mad and possibly push you away from him. If he really loves and cares about you he will want you to get healthy, and if he doesn't, well at least your eyes will be open to that. No matter what happens I hope you find happiness and everything gets better for you sweetpea! Good luck and best wishes!!

Lyn2007
04-11-2010, 11:24 AM
Thank you again. Funny how one can draw strength from others, but I do. I appreciate it a lot.

WarMaiden, I do think being on Medifast will simplify things. Before, with calorie counting he was always telling me "you can eat ice cream! Just have a half cup" or "This candy is only 190 calories!" Now it is simple. I am eating "these specific" foods and I make a nice healthy dinner which includes lean protein and lots of vegetables. If he starts offering me anything else I will just tell him NOT to offer me ANY foods unless they are plan fresh vegetables that I can make for dinner. Period.

ParadiseFalls
04-11-2010, 11:24 AM
I know we don't know you, and this might be way out of line, but I'm with astrophe. And as a child of divorce, I can say my quality of life drastically improved when I was no longer in the middle of a war.

Whatever you decide (or don't decide), I hope you do what's right for you and what makes you happy :)

Amarantha2
04-11-2010, 11:28 AM
I hope you return to counseling of some kind on your own to find the support you need and deserve to do what you need and deserve to do to support your life in the healthy path you have chosen, only you are concerned in your weight loss journey and to have to constantly deal with sabotage where you should be receiving support doesn't seem like love.

Bless you, keep going and fin your path.

WarMaiden
04-11-2010, 11:38 AM
I would tell him I am going to make an omelet with some of the veggies the next morning and I;d get up and he would be mixing ALL the leftover veggies with butter and eating them all. Leaving me none for breakfast, leaving the scalloped potatoes.

If you were fighting a real war, you wouldn't give your enemy advance notice of your battle plans, would you? ;) Not that your husband SHOULD be your enemy, but it sounds like he's taking the information you're giving him and deliberately, pointedly, decidedly doing exactly the thing that will screw with you the most. Stop telling him what you're going to eat and when, I would say. Keep to utter silence on your plans and perhaps he won't know how to sabotage you.

bargoo
04-11-2010, 11:39 AM
I have never met this man but I can't stand him ! He is a manipulator, he is going to get his way at any cost including your health . As I have said before throw the unwanted food OUT but since you can't trust him not to retrieve it, pour bleach on it first. You must show him that you are serious. Your health is at stake. He has serious control issues and is sneaky as well.
Stand up to him , you might be surprised , if you stay strong and firm he may even retreat.

luciddepths
04-11-2010, 12:04 PM
Wow. I'm sorry you have to even justify your food And compete against your husband about food. Someone that loves you for you will not only support you 100% but try and help you get to that point. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a healthy weight (obviously if a person was a skin and bones, not eating..etc that would be different). Any man that loves you and you love them back it shouldn't matter your size, they should be proud of you in your weight loss and proud to "show you off". It sounds like he could use some healthy sabotage himself. Wants cookies? Bake them but purre some veggies in there!


Keep us updated on the progress, everyone is here to support you!

westernsoutherngirl
04-11-2010, 12:09 PM
Ah yes, marriage is sooo complicated at least mine is. Hang in there! Others are right - this isn't quiet sabotage it is in your face! My general impression is that a lot of men find it unnerving when their wives lose weight because they are insecure! Seems to get worse as they get older! Do it for yourself! Your comments about heart health and joint discomfort are right on! Plus focus on how much better you feel already with the weight off! Will be thinking of you!

Onederchic
04-11-2010, 12:59 PM
Wow. I'm sorry you have to even justify your food And compete against your husband about food. Someone that loves you for you will not only support you 100% but try and help you get to that point. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a healthy weight (obviously if a person was a skin and bones, not eating..etc that would be different). Any man that loves you and you love them back it shouldn't matter your size, they should be proud of you in your weight loss and proud to "show you off". It sounds like he could use some healthy sabotage himself. Wants cookies? Bake them but purre some veggies in there!


Keep us updated on the progress, everyone is here to support you!


I agree with this. :hug:

Onederchic
04-11-2010, 01:01 PM
Don't deal with it then. Stop trying to explain why you need to eat what you need. Just manage the situation rather than react to any baiting -- intentional or not.

On the snacks thing, say "Oh, thanks. That's was a nice thought. But let's not make clutter here on the counter... I'll put it in the special snack basket for later" and move it to a basket. When he next goes away, return it, take it to the trash, food bank, give it away, whatever.

He's tampered with the recipes often enough to where you can just not have him cook at your place. For instance, you make the breakfast, he washes up.

Or if he wants to help with food prep, and he messes up the waffle batter mix, buy Eggo toaster style then. Assign him toasting duty. Or have him pour the OJ or chop the fruit salad. Give him the simpler cooking tasks that aren't even possible to mess up shy of totally burning/spilling them!

Don't make food prep the battleground for whatever issues he's got. Counseling is where you try to work on issues. Whether it's fear of losing his eating buddy, fear of other men finding you attractive, the need to have control over you somehow -- whatever it is that is manifesting itself as food sabotage. Don't respond to the bait.

But do some soul searching too. You say this...



... which I think means mean breaking up? If you would break up if you were an adult couple, why does having a child change that? Married or not, you are still the parents and have parenting responsibilities.

I don't advocate throwing in the towel on a marriage for silly stuff, but if you truly feel you've given it your all and it isn't going to work... why stay on a sinking ship? It doesn't help you or child any.

I'm married to an adult child of divorce. He always says he saw it coming a mile away and wishes it had just happened sooner rather than trying to stay together "for the children's sake" and that someone had thought to ask his opinion.

Basically all the kids were just stuck for the ride and they had no control over anything. As the last child to grow up and move out all it meant for him is that he had to endure arguing/fighting way longer than his siblings did.

At least with a break up sooner rather than later, the stinky bits to divorce would still have been stinky but peace and quiet in the home would have come sooner. :shrug:

Hope things work out for you. GL! :hug:

A.


I agree with this too.

Beverlyjoy
04-11-2010, 01:50 PM
Lyn...I am so sorry you have to deal with this. :hug: You husband has some serious issues. You've gotten some good advice.

My husband is generally supportive. His comment one time in the past was - to the effect - "I just don't know when you are really on a plan or not". This is a fair statement because over the years I've been 'on and off' many times. (Been together for 34 years) However, I told him that when I TELL him I am really trying to make healthy food changes he must respect it. A couple times he has brought in dark chocolate and other things I can't resist. I have taken liquid dish soap, in front of him, and said that it can't stay in the house and dumped the soap on it and put it in the trash.

He's a wonderful husband, I might add. I just need to let him know when I am serious. Last weekend he got some ice cream for his pie at Easter. He said to just throw the ice cream away after the company leaves. He's learning.

Please take care of yourself the best way you can. Keep your food separate and keep an eye on it.

dragonwoman64
04-11-2010, 04:08 PM
I deal with some of those issues with my bf, not to such an extreme. I'm sure that it has to be really frustrating and upsetting to you. I do think even if you go to a therapist alone, it could help relieve some of the emotional pressure surrounding the situation and give you a good place to vent and generate helpful strategies to handle it. I think you hit the nail on the head with the idea that he's afraid of you leaving him, and that he's reacting (very badly) to an unspoken feeling of pressure to take care of his own weight.

good luck! and hang in there!

Cglasscock1
04-11-2010, 04:25 PM
I agree with everything others said. Your husband is doing out and out sabotage. That is a cruel thing to do to anyone who is trying to make a change. This is not just a vanity issue, it's a health issue as you pointed out to him. If the marriage counseling is not working, you would be better off without him, sorry to say. Support is one of the most important benefits of marriage.

Lyn2007
04-11-2010, 04:31 PM
Oh! The responses just made me remember something!

The first time (like 2 years ago) that I asked him to stop bringing chips and candy in the house, he got super defensive. Mad. He started telling me I was too controlling, and that he was an adult who gets to choose what he wants to eat, and I cannot control what he eats, and as long as he is the one paying to put food on the table, he will buy and eat whatever he wants. He was really defensive and upset. Of course I saw he has a point there, I told him I will not try to control what HE eats but please not to buy things for ME... or offer stuff to me... and to please keep his chips in "his" cabinet.

Aha... maybe this is a big part of it. I know in the past when I was NOT dieting but knew I needed to lose weight, I'd get super defensive and panicky about anyone that seemingly threatened my ability to get the foods I craved. Hmmmm...

constance21
04-11-2010, 04:47 PM
Just a thought here. Perhaps he's not really "not attracted to skinny women", but maybe it's more that he's afraid that you'll get more attention as a skinny woman, and leave him.


I agree with CanadianCutie. From what you said, it sounds like this is what is going on.

luciddepths
04-12-2010, 12:26 AM
I'm sorry.. but i dont think a person NEEDS assurance of those things, when you make it about ONLY him... or how he views you, in my mind he wins...3 and 4 on your list are really the only ones that matter or that should be announced that.. you are doing it for you and you will be healthier and happier and if he wants to join you support him.

juliastl27
04-12-2010, 12:29 AM
this is disturbing to me. first of all, it doesn't matter so much what and why and how he's doing it, the biggest issue right now is THAT he's doing it. i don't really care what his insecurities are.

my husband didn't care at all whether i was fat/skinny/in between but he did care about my happiness. he is sort of chubby and definitely eats crap constantly. when i started my diet and couldn't resist eating those things if i saw them, he would not tell me that he bought them and HIDE them in the house where i would never find them. he wasn't trying to be cruel, as i said he didn't care at all about my weight, but he knew how much harder everything would be for me if he didn't do it.

who cares what HE finds attractive? if you're married then your relationship should be past looks. he should care about how much the quality of your health/mental health/self esteem might change. if losing weight will help those things, which i think it does for almost everyone, then he should be supporting you. this is out and out control and manipulation.

also, if your choice would be made easy if you didn't have a child, seems like maybe you need to make the same choice you would in that situation. i can tell you first hand that staying with someone just because of a child isn't always best for the child. i was a child of a terrible divorce/abandonment and put up with tons of BS so that my kid could keep living with his dad. it's not worth it. children pick up on tension and other marital problems and if you're fighting, they certainly notice that. i decided that the best choice for my child AND myself was to not be in a situation where there were constant problems. i got married to someone else and so did he. he has my son 3 days a week, then 4 days a week, true 50/50 custody. i can tell you for SURE that my kid is a lot more stable and happy than he would've been if we'd stayed together. marriages don't fix themselves just because you have a kid together. i'm not trying to be rude or say "LEAVE HIM NOW!" because obviously i only know a small part of the story, but you sound like that's what you would do if you didn't have a child, and to me that's just not a great reason to stay!!

Lyn2007
04-12-2010, 12:59 AM
There are other reasons why we are trying to make the marriage work, but I don't really want to get into all that. I do agree in some cases splitting up is best, but I am making the best choice for my family right now, and just trying to find a way to make this particular thing (food/weight) less of an issue.

ValRock
04-12-2010, 01:21 AM
I think creating separate food cabinets is a great idea.

I used to have this problem with my DH to a lesser degree... he was just trying to be nice so we set up this system.. His junk food goes on the top of the pantry where I don't even have to look at it and my 'treats' are above the vitamins. If he brings me something I don't want/can't have I put it in his cabinet. There's no fight about it... he understands why it's there. It works out nicely.

Best of luck to you... this is a rough situation.

bananapancakes
04-12-2010, 02:02 AM
I am trying to piece together all these thoughts into a coherent conversation I plan to have with him when he gets here. So far I have:
1. Assure him I am not going to look for any other man.
2. Assure him I don't want to control what he eats, that he is welcome to buy and eat anything he likes.
3. Let him know how much healthier and happier and what a better mother I am with this lower weight.
4. Assure him that he does not need to feel pressured to lose weight WITH me, but if he decides to, I will support him.

And then, after a nice heart to heart, if he buys ME junk, I'll toss it. If he buys HIMSELF junk and leaves it out, I'll just move it to "his" cabinet. And if he messes with my food, it will be ultimatim time. I will not live with someone who is tampering with my food.

All great ideas, I was going to suggest the same things but you beat me to it. I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said already, I just wanted to to wish you the best, with your weight loss and your marriage- I admire you for truly giving your marriage a good chance rather than throwing in the towel! You're going through a rough time right now but you have the support of all these wonderful people on the board to turn to. :hug:

rachinma
04-12-2010, 10:37 AM
Thank you again. Funny how one can draw strength from others, but I do. I appreciate it a lot.

WarMaiden, I do think being on Medifast will simplify things. Before, with calorie counting he was always telling me "you can eat ice cream! Just have a half cup" or "This candy is only 190 calories!" Now it is simple. I am eating "these specific" foods and I make a nice healthy dinner which includes lean protein and lots of vegetables. If he starts offering me anything else I will just tell him NOT to offer me ANY foods unless they are plan fresh vegetables that I can make for dinner. Period.

I am a worrier, which doesn't help. In the past when I've been eating a lot of veggies, I'd make the nice healthy dinner (maybe chicken, 3 kinds of veggies, and the he'd ask me to make scalloped potatoes. Which is FINE, I am not bothered by that... I like to cook. BUT then I would tell him I am going to make an omelet with some of the veggies the next morning and I;d get up and he would be mixing ALL the leftover veggies with butter and eating them all. Leaving me none for breakfast, leaving the scalloped potatoes. Little things like that just complicate things so I will be making a ton of extra veggies and freezing portions so I always have them on hand. If he starts eating or messing with my Medifast food we are going to have a serious problem...

apostrophe, I understand what you're saying and I agree it is often best to split if things are bad regardless of kids, but every situation is different and we have some things going on that would make a divorce a very damaging situation for everyone right now, which is why we have been willing to do the counseling and living apart business. But you can be sure there is ZERO yelling, fighting, angry talk, arguing. None. We occasionally have a disagreement but it is not loud and it is *only* in private, so the children are not being subjected to that kind of insanity. I adore my kids and everything I do is hopefully for their benefit.

I think in a couple of years the situation will be a lot different but for now I just need to find a way to continue my eating plan and exercise without him getting in the way.... maybe he will be better about it this time around.
Please forgive me for being blunt, but...

This is some of the craziest **** I have ever read in my life. This is abusive, controlling behavior. This is not someone who wants what's best for you and your family.

I rarely come out with the whole "launch him" or "you go girl" stuff, but this is a situation that I only see getting worse. If you're not already, please please see a counselor. On your own, not with your husband.

midwife
04-12-2010, 12:50 PM
I agree with Rachima.

When I think about someone I trust purposefully putting stuff into my body that I would not want in my body through trickery, the ick factor goes through the roof for me. I've had patients ask me about how to sneak medication into their partners' food or drink to treat STDs without having to tell them, and I continue to be stunned by the very suggestion of what is essentially a physical act performed by one person on a second person without permission or knowledge that could potentially cause harm. If nothing else in this world, we get to make the decisions, good or bad, about what goes into our bodies.

IMO, this behavior annihilates your human right to self-determination and to control your own body.

There are very few deal breakers in this world for me, but this would be one of them. I'm sorry if I seem dramatic, but I guess it pushes a button for me in a big big way. I agree that counselling is an excellent suggestion/plan.

ETA: I can see you have thought a lot about your life and how to make things work for your kiddos. Stand strong. You have lots of support here.

astrophe
04-13-2010, 07:29 PM
I'm going to respect that you know your own needs and the state of the relationship in real life. The whole "Is this worth it?" question. That's for you and your marriage counselor.

On the food conversation... go super simple!

And then, after a nice heart to heart, if he buys ME junk, I'll toss it. If he buys HIMSELF junk and leaves it out, I'll just move it to "his" cabinet. And if he messes with my food, it will be ultimatim time. I will not live with someone who is tampering with my food


YES!


1. Assure him I am not going to look for any other man.
2. Assure him I don't want to control what he eats, that he is welcome to buy and eat anything he likes.
3. Let him know how much healthier and happier and what a better mother I am with this lower weight.
4. Assure him that he does not need to feel pressured to lose weight WITH me, but if he decides to, I will support him.

#1 is about trust and fidelity. Does not belong in food convo. Save it for separate convo.

#3 is not necessary. It's like you are asking for his permission or blessing before you can get on with improving your health. Your body and your health is your business not his and you do not need his permission, blessing, or approval. You have already begun and nobody is stopping you. :carrot:

Your conversation outline doesn't address the kitchen space. Get practical. And no exceptions like

If he starts offering me anything else I will just tell him NOT to offer me ANY foods unless they are plan fresh vegetables that I can make for dinner. Period.

Way easier to go "You deal with your food and I deal with mine." Black and white. Once you start fuzzing the boundaries, I get the vibe he's going to keep testing them to see if they fuzz some more.

Just manage the shared kitchen space like any reasonable person would. Keep the food convo short and sweet. Something like...


I want so assure you that I want to work on our marriage and you are welcome in my house. I hope we can be together in the same house again. However I need to stay on plan for my health. I can't have a crazy kitchen. I expect you to help keep a neat shared kitchen while you are my guest here.

1) You are welcome. This is your fridge/cabinet areas. Put whatever you like there. These are my areas.

2) For now, I do my own cooking. You do yours. That is the simplest way to go to make food a non-issue so we can focus on the relationship issues that do matter. We can share cooking for the children when you are here.

3) If you buy more than fits in your storage areas here, I'm sticking it by the door for you to take it back to your house. I'm not telling you what to eat or what to buy for yourself , but if you are buying so much it doesn't fit into the space here, it makes a messy kitchen. I expect you to deal with your own things. If it gets forgotten, I just put it out with the trash. I know it sounds extreme, but I don't want there to be any surprises, so I suggest just not overbuying so it isn't wasted.

4) Do you have any of your own food needs or concerns I need to know about so I can respect your kitchen space?

Thanks for hearing me on this one. I appreciate it.

End of story. You aren't telling him what he can and cannot eat, you are not making him unwelcome. You are trying to make room for him in your space and in your life while still maintaining your needs and health goals.

Best of luck! :hug:

A.

selisa
04-13-2010, 07:52 PM
Hello dear woman:)
It sounds like you are struggeling quite a lot at home. I think that the way your man puts fatty foods in front of you, and are always tempting you by eating all this junk food right up in your face...well, that`s NOT nice!! If you want to lose weight, and have a healthier life, then he should really support you and be proud of you!
Maybe he is afraid that he will be sitting there all alone with his OB, while you are shining...looking your best???
It is your life!!!

Take care
Sylvia:D