100 lb. Club - Don't mess with my potatoes! - over-reacting??




time2lose
03-23-2010, 09:08 AM
I think that I have gone over the top to nuts-o. Last night I had planned pan seared potatoes for supper. (In SC we call the evening meal supper.) I take baked potatoes, cube them and then cook in a hot skillet sprayed with Pam. They brown nicely on the outside and are nice and soft on the inside. I love them. They are my substitute for the french fries and hash browns that I loved for many years. I had made the baked potatoes Sun. night just so I could do this dish on Monday night. I skipped the potatoes Sunday night because I eat potatoes once a week. I lowered my calorie count at lunch so that I can have these potatoes. Get the picture that I was looking forward to my potatoes?

I got home and hubby had decided to "help" with supper. He had cubed the potatoes and was frying them in about an inch of oil. I went ballistic. :tantrum:I really mean over the top. You would have thought that he had done something illegal. I can't even believe that I got as upset as I did. I had to decide between eating the potatoes or staying within my calorie allotment for the day. I skipped the potatoes. We did not have a good substitute so I ended up having salad instead.

I can not believe how angry I got or, really, how angry I still am. These were potatoes for goodness sake. Potatoes! They were not the last potatoes on earth or the last potatoes that I can ever have but I just can't get over this anger. You would think that I was five years old or something. I thought that venting here might help me get past this.

I think that core issue is that I think that he does not support me the way that he should. He verbally supports me. Sometimes his actions are supportive. Last week while we were traveling, he let me choose all the places that we ate so I was able to stay 100% on plan. However, he keeps junk in the house and cooks fried stuff and bakes sweets. He seldom cooked before I started on this journey and now he cooks "his food" often. He says he "forgot" how I cooked those potatoes but, after 18 months, is it too much to expect him to remember? A big part of it was that he was defensive instead of saying, "I am sorry."

Tonight I am picking up a couple of potatoes to bake and will make my cubed potatoes tomorrow night. I will put them in the frig tonight with a big sign on them "Don't touch my potatoes!" :nono:I need to let this anger go, they are #$%^ potatoes, not my life's savings!

Overreacting?? Nuts-O???? It is so nice to have a place to vent!


Nada
03-23-2010, 09:17 AM
Yeah, a little over reacting, but funny.

My husband of 30 years still doesn't remember what I order to drink in a restaurant! Water, you could have ordered me water (if the server comes when I am in the restroom).

Sandi
03-23-2010, 09:40 AM
Well, I think I would have reacted the same. We try so hard to stay on plan and then to have it messed up, just sucks! And a favorite food is just that. I think my hub wouldn't have prepared it at all pleading that he didn't know how I wanted it. He currently does that with lunches.

I do the same with my potatoes. But I just microwave the potato until soft and then slice it up while it's warm. That way you don't have to plan so much to have your potato!


vegetablefried
03-23-2010, 09:44 AM
I love my pizza-I mean, REALLY love my pizza. So when I go for pizza now that I am on a diet, I go for strictly cheese when buying in the store, and put veggies on top at home. What did my mother do this week? bought me a pepperoni pizza when I wasn't there. Dinnertime? She adds like a pound of extra cheese and then plenty of sausage. And crumbles up some bacon.
Not only was I furious, but I had a tantrum. And I had a serving of special K cereal for dinner. It was my third meal of the day-and it was supposed to be my choice, but I was sooo not blowing the calories I saved to have one half slice of pizza (I can't eat any pork products-it causes severe abdominal pain). I locked myself in my room after my "dinner," but can you really call 3/4 cup of cereal and 2/3 cup soymilk a reall dinner? Not when your mind is on pizza.The real issue here is the lack of consideration for your choices.

Summerblue
03-23-2010, 09:48 AM
Though I have only been doing this since March 1st - I have gotten PARTICULAR about certain things and I do have stickey notes on some things in the fridge (I have teenagers). So I can very much see where you are coming from and by the amount of weight you have lost and how GREAT you are doing, this isn't a new thing in your life.

Last weekend my husband and the kids were out and he picked up Chic Fil A......and brought me a sandwich, but it was fried - i said I can't have any fried foods and he really apologized, he felt bad, so I just fixed myself the stuff I normally eat during the week.

Hope your potatoes taste great this week :)

mkyice
03-23-2010, 10:06 AM
timetolose~ Over reaction? Probably, but I would have too! I can see myself throwing a huge fit (I'm pretty sure I have before) if someone messed with food I was really looking forward to. I hope you get to eat your potatoes this time :~)

JayEll
03-23-2010, 10:14 AM
I don't think you're overreacting. I think it was a clear case of "unconscious" sabotage on his part. It was also passive-aggressive behavior. Any time someone "forgets" something like that, especially after 18 months, their motives are suspect.

I hope you let him have it really good, so that he doesn't "forget" it again. Yes, they are only potatoes, but that's not the real issue. The real issue is whether he is going to take your needs and desires seriously or not.

Jay

TJFitnessDiva
03-23-2010, 10:14 AM
It happens :) especially when look forward to something & plan for it, then someone messes it up.

My husband has a bad habit of picking off my plate & I know I've gone off on him a few times....I spend all that time weighing/measuring my portion & he can have whatever he wants to eat so why do that? lol I'm getting mad just thinking about it! :lol:

paris81
03-23-2010, 10:15 AM
Maybe you overreacted a little, but I totally get where you're coming from. From the description you gave of your potato ritual before telling the story, it's clear that this weekly potato is very important to you, it's something that you look forward to, and for me, that means it's something that will help keep me on track. So it's a big deal to be able to have it, and it's a bigger deal when you realize you can't have it, because of someone else, someone who is supposed to care about you, and their careless behavoir.

Sure, he didn't mean to cook them incorrectly, but it seems a bit weird that he knows you're on a diet and decided to basically fry your meal.

Dyeral
03-23-2010, 10:45 AM
i probably would of reacted the same. It's so hard being on a diet and having so many restrictions. He should of been supportive of the huge lifestyle change you've been making and at least let you have your weekly potato!

Angihas2
03-23-2010, 10:52 AM
I dont think you overreacted, and like JayEll, I tend to be suspicious of people's motives. Especially since you started changing your lifestyle 18 MONTHS ago. There's been more than adequate time to adjust his way of thinking. The kids dad, my ex was always verbally supportive and alot of times his actions were as well, but there were always these needling little incidents, like the potatoe thing that kept cropping up, over and over. Bringing my fave candy in the house, always wanting to eat out at the worst restaurants, little things that over time were big issues. Turns out, by his own words, he liked me the way I had always been and couldn't comprehend or 1000% support the changes I was making to move me out of the 'fat' box. He knew that for the entire family to be happier and healthier my weight needed to change, the way we ate needed to change and he could verbalise it all correctly, but his thought process never changed. He liked me fat. He liked me unhealthy. It made him feel needed.

saef
03-23-2010, 10:58 AM
I understand your over-reaction. Completely.

Food is now a lot more fraught than it once was for you. There are a hella lot of things you won't eat now, so the things you do permit yourself to eat have become far more important for you & the occasions when you indulge are now precious. This isn't quite as easygoing as we'd all like our attitude toward food to be -- aware but relaxed is the ideal, in my own mind -- but after making a major change, I think we evolve toward that. Slowly.

I'd think your husband would have picked up on the ritualistic aspect by now. I agree this was passive-aggressive behavior on his part. Maybe he doesn't like some other newer healthy rituals & this one was handy for him to take it out on.

PeanutsMom704
03-23-2010, 11:03 AM
My husband has a bad habit of picking off my plate & I know I've gone off on him a few times....I spend all that time weighing/measuring my portion & he can have whatever he wants to eat so why do that? lol I'm getting mad just thinking about it! :lol:


my 5 year old does this too - wants to "share" my carefully measured food. I hate to say no to him but it is frustrating.

time2lose - I agree with everyone else, it might have been a little bit of an overreaction but it's TOTALLY normal and I think almost anyone would feel the same way. It's hard enough to stay on plan, and having carefully planned for treats and special foods that we really love is a major force in being able to stay on plan. I have to say I agree with the sabotage concept - no one who has been living with you for the past year and a half could be so completely clueless that fried potatoes are not something you are going to eat.

Hope they are extra yummy when you have them tomorrow night!!!

Daimere
03-23-2010, 11:24 AM
I would have reacted the same way. That is why I have a really hard time trusting my boyfriend cook dinner for me when I'm on plan. Although I think this time I am going to relinquish some of the control so that I won't be stressing as much.

calluna
03-23-2010, 11:24 AM
I have to comment here...I would also have been upset, no denying it, and also because of the ritual and the anticipation of an uncommon treat.

However, I think we're going too far to label her hubby passive-aggressive based on virtually no data. Letting her pick the restaurants when traveling (how many people like to ... um... splurge on bad food when traveling?) was a supportive behavior. I think what is at issue here is negotiating a mutually satisfying approach to having and cooking food at home.

I hope I'm not in trouble for disagreeing with folks, but there you go.

TJFitnessDiva
03-23-2010, 11:40 AM
I really don't think he meant to sabotage either...We've been eating healthy as a family for almost 2 years & sometimes my husband just doesn't think when he brings stuff home or when he cooks :). He just tries to be nice & he still doesn't get he can eat a heck of a lot more than I can lol

oh yeah...I did mostly break his habit of eating off my plate & I think going overboard helped! I don't let any of my 3 kids eat off my plate either (or drink after me...yuck to backwash!).

WarMaiden
03-23-2010, 11:51 AM
It sounds passive-aggressive to me. "Forgetting" is a classic passive-aggressive behavior.

I probably would have reacted similarly. I am very clear with my husband about my food choices and plans and what I need, and when my needs and desires are not respected, I am pretty vocal about it.

However, my husband is extremely actively supportive as well as verbally supportive, and has made his own ton of changes to his food and activity. So when he forgets, I know that it is truly forgetting or obliviousness.

We did have a pretty hilarious argument over the quantity of oil he uses to cook food, a month or so ago--I pointed out to him, "Honey, there is a full quarter-inch of oil in that frying pan." He protested that there wasn't, there was NO WAY that was 1/4 inch of oil. So I got out a knife, dipped it in, then measured the depth of the oil against a ruler--kind of like doing an oil-check on the car, heh.

I was right, of course. There was a full quarter-inch of oil in the pan, and most of the time he has NO IDEA how much oil he is using. ("You just put about four tablespoons of oil in there." "No I didn't, no way, that's only like one tablespoon!" *eye roll*) So he's listening to me a bit more lately about his use of oil in our meals.

I think he learned early on that if he wasn't going to cook food to my specifications, I wasn't going to eat it. And he hated that idea, so he changed. I wasn't *****y about not eating the food, I was just firm; and it got the message across. "Oh, that sure looks good. But it's got too much oil / cheese / bread for me to be interested in eating it. Thanks for cooking, though, honey!"

TJFitnessDiva
03-23-2010, 12:03 PM
Mine is pretty supportive too :) I think he gets comfortable and starts slacking a little, if I don't point it out to him he doesn't seem to catch it....more so for his sake than mine. Like eating out for his lunch...it'll lead him to bring stuff home he wouldn't normally eat. He's very active & doesn't need to lose weight at all but he tells me he feels sluggish after eating bad :P duuh lol

Mary233
03-23-2010, 12:15 PM
I don't think that it was an overreaction. He needs to pay attention to what you are eating, and be more supportive in your weight loss journey. He needs to follow through and support you with actions, and not with just words.

Thighs Be Gone
03-23-2010, 12:24 PM
time2lose, I can very much identify with your feelings. I came home once to find my green beans pan seared with way too much oil. I absolutely refused to eat them and made him eat them for several days at lunch instead.

When I was on my way down (and even now really) I was careful about my selections and how my food was prepared. I was so desperate to get my weight off I wanted to do whatever it took. I still feel that way now. I just could not and canoot bring myself to eat things I knew were/are sub-standard. Now, if I give in and CHOOSE to eat something I really do want--like a piece of homemade carrot cake--I will. Giving up desperately earned calories to eat something prepared incorrectly that will taste the same? NO WAY.

Good for you to stick to your guns. Try to explain to your husband how desperate you are to achieve your goals. Once mine understood how very important this was to me, he was on board 100%. In all honesty, if mine hadn't jumped on board pretty quickly I think it would have had devastating consequences. It really is about SO MUCH MORE than just weight or smaller clothes.

starfishkitty
03-23-2010, 12:24 PM
Definitely a tad of an over reaction, but I think a justified one. I go through this all the time, but not as much as I used to! My family is finally starting to get the swing of it... but still every now and then... argh!

It's especially bad when you were looking forward to something especially and they mess that up (like what happened with you) or when you find out that they had done something and didn't tell you about it (like finding out my grandma used regular oil, when she should have used olive or none at all - it drives me nuts and I know I'm a jerk because she didn't mean to forget!).

So, you end up feeling bad for your reaction... but really... do they WANT us to be unhealthy and blown up the way we used to be? Probably not. Someone's gotta protect our healthy living... and if it's not us, then who?

Thighs Be Gone
03-23-2010, 12:26 PM
For the record the other nite I asked my hubby to go to the store and get me ONE serving size bag of chips. He came home with the big bag and said he couldn't find the small ones. My garbage disposal is still working fine! :)

Michelle98272
03-23-2010, 12:27 PM
Overreacting?? Nuts-O???? It is so nice to have a place to vent!

When I find myself being over the top angry about something fairly inconsequential, it is usually because the feelings are triggered by the principle of the thing...not the thing itself...Really, it's not the potatoes, it's what his actions represented. Frying potatoes in an inch of oil when you know your wife is living healthier isn't supportive. It represents the baked goods, him cooking his foods, him keeping the junk food in the house, the feeling that he isn't loving you in the way you need to be loved/cared for/supported. I totally understand where you were coming from!

It sounds like your feelings are justified, imho. Perhaps a calmer approach when the dust settles will help you to get your point across and help him to understand.

I think it would be perfectly appropriate in the future to make "your" food off limits, having a special cupboard just for your stuff or an entire shelf in the fridge just for you. Put your potatoes on your shelf or like you said, put a note on it, to be safe.

Hugs to you, sweetie! :hug:

Lyn2007
03-23-2010, 01:07 PM
I agree, it's about the frustration of putting forth the effort to eat healthy and then not having your partner's full support.

I've posted many times about my husband doing these exact things...

Eating *all* the vegetables in the fridge (that I bought and prepped) and leaving *all* the fatty, junky crap (that HE bought and prepped).
Frying something I was going to saute.
Adding cream or cream cheese to my scrambled egg beaters.
Adding extra oil or egg nog to my reduced fat pancake batter.
Adding a whole stick of butter and some cream to a pan of mashed potatoes I was making.
Buying a CASE of coke when I am the only one who likes coke and told him I quit drinking it.
Buying huge amounts of chips, candy, muffins, cookies.

I think if there is a pattern of sabotage, we are a lot more likely to get angry than if it is a one time thing.

WarMaiden
03-23-2010, 01:32 PM
Lyn, to be honest, I would probably have undertaken serious counter-sabotage to get the point across to my husband if he acted like yours. "You didn't want your boxes of collectibles put in that musty old closet, honey? Gosh, I'm sorry, I was just re-organizing! You must feel bad, just like I do when you screw with my food choices. How awful."

time2lose
03-23-2010, 05:00 PM
Thank you for all the support and comments. I have calmed down but I think I do need to talk to my husband about this. There may have been some passive aggressiveness to this but, for the most part, I think that it was him being selfish. He likes grease, but he could have left some of the potatoes undone for me to do for myself.

His support comes and goes. There are times that he is very supportive but I just can't count on it. I have had to battle for some concessions on his part. At the beginning, we settled on some compromises. He has a spot for his junk and he is supposed to keep it out of sight. There have been a couple of times that he left something in sight that was a temptation for me and I put them in the garbage disposal. That taught him to put the junk up where I can't see it.

I have a shelf in the freezer to store my frozen food. He can't put anything on that shelf so that I am assured of the space to store my stuff.

I am concerned for more than me though. I have a 20 something year old son that had to move back in with us when his hours got cut at work. DS has a big weight problem and already has serious health problems. My husband has a big stomach and could lose 15 or 20 pounds but does not have a problem like me and my son. I have never said anything to my son about his weight or how he eats because I don't think it would do any good. You have to want to be healthy for yourself. However, I don't want to provide food that is harmful to my son. He will eat whatever we have so I really want to provide healthy food. DS likes my potatoes too. :)

I stress to my husband that I don't want to kill my son but he thinks that I am over reacting. I don't think I am. DS is much worse shape than I was at his age. His future scares me and so I want healthy food at home for him too.

Thanks for letting me vent and I appreciate all the good ideas.

PeanutsMom704
03-23-2010, 05:19 PM
I stress to my husband that I don't want to kill my son but he thinks that I am over reacting. I don't think I am. DS is much worse shape than I was at his age. His future scares me and so I want healthy food at home for him too.

I know you can't nag someone into losing weight, but I would sit down with your son and tell him this. He KNOWS you've struggled with weight and he has seen the impact it's had on your life. I bet a message that he's in worse shape than you were at the same age might hit home, or at the very least, give him food for thought.

And the positive side is that he's seen all the success you've had and therefore has a great role model to know that he can change and he can create a healthy life and future for himself.

PaulaM
03-23-2010, 05:53 PM
Let's face it, food has been too important to us, before we were dieting and of course while we are dieting - I'm trying to cut out potatoes, white rice, white bread, and I really really don't like it. Those were all my favorite things!

Rosinante
03-23-2010, 06:04 PM
I don't think you're overreacting. I think it was a clear case of "unconscious" sabotage on his part. It was also passive-aggressive behavior. Any time someone "forgets" something like that, especially after 18 months, their motives are suspect.

I hope you let him have it really good, so that he doesn't "forget" it again. Yes, they are only potatoes, but that's not the real issue. The real issue is whether he is going to take your needs and desires seriously or not.

Jay

I'm with Jay, and you spotted it for yourself too. After 18 months he does know better; and after your Onederland Wonder, it must feel depressing that he isn't as blown away as you are.

Next time, fry His bits!;)

Arctic Mama
03-23-2010, 06:42 PM
It's one meal and just food... Way way over-reacting on your part, I think. I've done it too, but that doesn't make the response right. If I want to eat a certain way I have to prepare it, my husband is pretty good with following instructions but I can't hold him accountable for my health when he prepares food. If he fries something up, I will either gracefully decline it or eat a small portion and count the calories (or my estimates). It's easy, no harm done. I then would remind him of my preferred preparation later and let it go.

Because as you said, it IS just potatoes, and they are not more important than the treatment of your spouse, or a justification to explode at him, even if he DID do it on purpose!

beautifulone
03-23-2010, 06:59 PM
Oh boy :lol:. I don't know if you over-reacted in your reaction, but I don't think you did in your feelings. If you were upset there was obviously a reason for why you felt that way which is entirely valid.

Sounds like talking to your hubby is a great idea here. Open communication is so important :).

LisaF
03-24-2010, 11:04 AM
For the record the other nite I asked my hubby to go to the store and get me ONE serving size bag of chips. He came home with the big bag and said he couldn't find the small ones.

Actually, I believe this. My grocery store only sells the small bags in bulk packs.

I recently tried to buy a single serving bag of potato chips and was unable to find one. It wasn't an emergency or anything, so I just kept looking in every store I was in for about two weeks. The small bags - the ones that look like they should be single size - all had at least two servings. I think they do still make the single serving size bags, but they're the ones that come in a 24 pack - you can't buy just one. At least, not where I live.

Lisa

Lyn2007
03-24-2010, 11:18 AM
The single serving bags are (in my area) by the deli in the grocery store, OR at 7-11 (but the 7-11 ones might be 2 servings).

Funny, I made a soup 3 months ago and asked my husband to get ONE bottle of dark beer to go in it. And he got a pack of 8 bottles of beer and 7 of them are still sitting here. None of us drinks beer! Shoulda gone to 7-11 :)

JustBeckyV
03-24-2010, 11:38 AM
I see it that you overreacted as well but I do think I would have done the same thing. It would be best to have a talk with him and make sure he really undestands why you were so upset. I am sure in the future he will be more careful and think twice about how he prepares something.

time2lose
03-24-2010, 01:32 PM
OK, I need to tell you the ending. My husband brought me roses last night. He said he thought about candy but decided the roses were the safe thing. :)

We talked about the food. I can't say we worked it out but at least we talked. He doesn't see why my food preferences should limit him. He just doesn't get it. I explained and explained but he just doesn't get it. I think that he will try more for awhile. Hopefully, somehow it will click with him.

I really appreciate being able to vent here and all the support everyone has given me.

Lyn2007
03-24-2010, 01:36 PM
That is awesome! I imagine a MUCH DIFFERENT ending had he brought you candy!!

My husband has said as much. "Just because YOU eat that way doesn't mean I have to." Agreed, but leave my food alone, or at least ask first... I hope your man eventually understands.

WhitePicketFences
03-24-2010, 03:42 PM
It feels like overreacting, but oh, how I know what you felt. Everything just matters more when you've changed your lifestyle and habits to this extent. And obviously you've overhauled a lot to be at 93 lbs down.

I guess in the future an idea would be to do what I know a lot of us do when it comes to junk food -- the 'it'll be there tomorrow' thing. You want things to be right and so they will -- the fried potatoes thrown out, a quick substitute side, and newly purchased potatoes being ritually cherished the next day ... :-)

As someone who totally gets how much you were looking forward to this, I say: So worth it to have it the right way. Even if at the wrong time.

Sounds like things are being worked out (roses = good!) but it just occurs to me that I'm sure it does add up to a lot for the other person/people in the household, in a way. A lot of spouses probably have their own (also correct) ideas of what are obvious no-no's, but lapse on at least something that is obvious to the dieter who's all in it.

synger
03-24-2010, 05:35 PM
I think this situation really highlights one of the reasons why food is so hard to control for so many people. It's not just fuel. It's wrapped up in our families, our times with our friends, the very fabric of our lives. It has to do with health, of course, but also with love... and with control. People in families usually don't eat alone. They have to consider each other, even to things like shelf space and cooking style.

I really feel for you. I can see why you would be so very upset, though I agree that it was a bit of an over-reaction.

However, I'm SO proud of you for getting a salad instead. I would likely have eaten the potatoes with an "oh, well" attitude (which is what got me here in the first place).

I remember reading a weight-loss book... or more of a weight-attitude book... that helped me visualize it better. There's an always-hungry-always-dieting Synger inside me who thinks of food as a commodity. And when I get some, I want to get as much as I can, because I may never have it again. When I am looking forward to a "treat", whether it be a meal out or something as simple as my favorite potatoes, and something happens to make me not able to eat it, my angry-defensive-pouty-always-hungry-always-deprived Synger flares up full force. She can be quite a... well.. not very nice. *ahem*

When I recognize her flaring up, I visualize a room FULL of whatever it is she's craving. I tell her there is plenty of cake in the world, and that she can have cake another time. See? Look at all the cake! (or whatever it is I'm jonesing for) She just can't have it now.

Reminding myself that I can have my cake (or potatoes, or brie and bread, or Oreos) another time, when it's on-plan, helps me a LOT when I can't have it right now but I expected it and want it.