This morning my boyfriend of four years, and I had an argument about the gym. It was ridiculous and stupid (as most fights are) -- but I still can't understand where he is coming from.
He has always been the perfect support system for my weight loss efforts -- he is always helpful, never judgmental and super complimentary-even before he knew I wanted to lose weight, so I knew it was real
For the last 6 months we have started going to the gym together, usually about twice a week, and we just don't seem to mesh in that environment. I am usually feeling pretty vulnerable and ugly in the gym, so if he says anything to improve my form or motivate me I get super sensitive and usually get angry.
I have been open with him that I don't like going to the gym -- and going with him is really the only reason why I go. It's nice to have someone there for support that you know thinks you are beautiful. Otherwise, I don't go to the gym alone. I hate it.
Well, this morning he tells me that he thinks that us deciding to go to the gym together was a partnership agreement and he said that he doesn't feel like I am holding up my end of the bargain. I just DON'T understand where he is coming from! I am genuinely trying to understand, and I don't get it! I still go with him twice a week to our normal spin class -- but he says that because he goes to the gym on his own, and I don't, that I am not holding up my end of the deal. But this is how it has ALWAYS been. I am doing nothing different than I was 6 months ago. Just now he is upset about it.
It feels really frustrating because I am already so frustrated and self-conscious in the gym, that him telling me I am not doing good enough just makes me want to quit all together. Sometimes when we are in Spin class together (and I am like DYING because the class is so hard) he will compare himself to me, and say things like "he is working harder because he sweats more." Come on! Wrong wrong wrong. And even if he is working harder... it is NEVER helpful to compare how awesome you are to how awesome someone else isn't.
He has a military background, and I know this has a big influence on how he decides to motivate people -- but he needs to realize that I am not his soldier he can boss around, and I have feelings that should be considered.
We are so good everywhere in the relationship. Everywhere. Even when we talk about food or diet we are fine -- but we just cant mesh when we talk about working out.
Any suggestions? In whole I actually like going to the gym with him! We need to get this figured out, because until we do, he will just stay angry... I won't understand why... and I will continue to feel like just giving up all together. Help!
I think you should stop trying to go to the gym together except maybe for spin class--but maybe not even for that. Tell him the gym partnership is off.
It sounds like he's invested in your gym attendance and weight loss more than he should be. He's not your coach or your drill sergeant, but it sounds like he's acting that way.
If you don't want to go, except for with him, that's not a good enough reason to go. You should go to the gym on your own, and only because you want to.
lifelessons you aren't alone. my boyfriend of seven years and i had a similar discussion a while back...he doesn't believe that men and women are ANY different when it comes to weight loss...he just believes women don't have the "man gene" that makes them put forth the effort. even when we watch Biggest Loser, and the contestants weigh in and the women don't drop the weight the men do...he blames it on our lack of motivation. he just doesn't get that we are wired completely differently...and i think your boyfriend may be a bit similar. what my boyfriend and i do when it comes to working out...we have a sand hill that we climb together (we actually live in the same area where biggest loser is filmed and we see them all the time)...it's incredible cardio. i don't really enjoy it, but he loves it and that is our workout time together...then on my own, i go to the gym (he hates gyms and doesn't even belong)...then at least he sees me putting in an extra effort and doesn't give me a hard time about slacking off. maybe you could do just the opposite...gym time with him as your together workout...then find something else that you like to do on your own for a workout...whether it's walking around the neighborhood or going for a bike ride or jog. then he will see you ARE putting in effort, even if it's not in the gym. good luck, and HANG in there!
The only thing I can think of is that you seem to be assuming it's all about you, and perhaps it's really about him: i.e., he needs you to go to the gym because that's what motivates him, that he says "look, I am working out harder" because most of the time he feels like a lazy slacker compared to you (and thinks you feel the same way, because to him it's a self-evident truth) so he has to point out when he is actually beating you (which he thinks is rare), etc. Don't discount the idea that he may be a swirling maelstrom of insecurity inside and that his own perception of your attitude may be way off.
Personally, I think that when it comes to health and fitness and diet, interdependence turns into co-dependence much too quickly and that people that start out mutually encouraging each other to go to the gym often end up mutually forgiving each other for skipping and then no one has to feel bad. This is just me, but diet/health/exercise/fitness are not things me and my husband do together. We are responsible for ourselves, and for us, that works much better. It's not my job to make him be healthy, or his job to make me be healthy. We are lovers, not parents.
It sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with him. First off, I'm not sure it is clear why he really feels it is important that you go with him more. Does he feel he needs the extra support and motivation? Is it bothering him that you are not more in shape? Does he feel like you let him down on a promise? You really need to discover the root of the problem before you can address it.
As well you might want to explain to him how it is for you to go the gym and how his attitude makes you feel. I was steer well clear from accusations, but talk about how something makes you feel and why. The last thing you need is him on the defensive.
I hope you both communicate and get to the root of the problem! Ultimately each of you needs to be responsible for your own health. It is nice to have someone supporting you, but it isn't healthy for a relationship for one person to be making demands on the other or for someone to rely on the other person for motivation.
my bf and I have clashes about the diet (we live together and eat most meals together) and exercise (I exercise at home and go to the gym by myself). He sees lots of things differently than I do, and to be honest, sometimes I think what he believes isn't wrong necessarily, but doesn't work so well for me. Sometimes I feel like he's a real support, and I can talk to him about lots of struggles I have around my weight loss. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't get where I'm coming from and it truly frustrates me. He's normal weight.
from my experience, I'd say take the bull by the horns and change things around to suit what you need for your weight loss and fitness efforts. don't worry, he'll adjust. just be straight up about it. I think down the line you may get to the point where you'll be able to take advantage of some of his work out knowledge without all the negatives attached to it.
maybe he's angry because he feels he is "right" about this, and feels frustrated because he can't convince you. I'm only guessing at that.
I think it is ok to disagree. And accept this in a relationship.
Quote:
Well, this morning he tells me that he thinks that us deciding to go to the gym together was a partnership agreement and he said that he doesn't feel like I am holding up my end of the bargain. I just DON'T understand where he is coming from!
This is where you can just say what YOU though the gym thing was.
Quote:
"I didn't know you looked at it like a partnership agreement. I just thought it was for fun (or whatever it is you thought.) I'm sorry about the miscommunication. But while we're at it... "
You've given it a try for 6 months, it isn't working out so... talk how to change it up so it is more mutually satisfying.
Maybe pick a more low key thing for your "couple" fitness date together like a walk in the park. Or if you athletic abilities are too far apart to enjoy playing together in real life, do something else like virtual Route 66 or fitness.gov with your fitness minutes.
He can keep going to that gym if he wants to keep it as his "main" fitness thing, and you can do something else for your "main fitness" -- take a class elsewhere, join a women's only gym, whatever.
There's bound to be some disappointment that the "gym = main thing AND couple thing" didn't work out. But life moves on. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. No need to get all hung up over it when it didn't pan out.
I think the willingness to be flexible is more important.
Oy. My husband and I don't always mesh very well at the gym, either. Though perhaps for different reasons/issues... Some of ours are...
- We often have a hard time finding a time that is good for both of us
- Sometimes I will assume that we're going to lift together, but he wants to do cardio
- I seem to get defensive when he corrects me on my form -- yet I appreciate that from my trainer.
While gym time works well for us at times, at other times it just pisses us both off!
So, while I may not have your exact issues, know that you aren't alone!
Thanks for everyone's great advice! I actually used this as a tool so I could show him some of the options you all came up with. He is a geeky guy, and he says he looks at it like we need an "update" in our relationship program, specifically in the "work out" sector.
Drat! I'm about 40 miles away from Boise. I so thought I had a future workout buddy! lol My hubby is Military, too. We are on the air base. I go to the gym there cuz it's free.
Here are some other options than going to a gym:
try running! There is a program called couch to 5k (google it) that starts you off slowly so you can eventually work up to a 5k distance. There are a lot of 5k's in Boise and participating in them gets infectious! Lots of fun! and maybe we'll run into each other at one? lol
I buy dvd's and work out at home. I've lost 90 pounds just doing dvd's and only going to the gym to attend the spinning classes. I really enjoy working out in the comfort of my own home and i feel I get a better calorie burn because I'm not afraid to give it my all because no one else is watching!
I can't understand how he feels.
