I know there have been several threads on this topic, but I think it's a concept that we need to have a grasp on so we can get through holidays and special events and such. Our society uses food as a gesture for just about everything, and for those of us where food is a trigger for unhealthy behavior, that's a dangerous environment.
For example, it is my birthday next weekend, and my boyfriend's aunt wanted to take me to lunch yesterday. She knows I'm trying to lose weight. She was genuinely offended when I just ordered the soup and salad, it really kinda made the lunch awkward. She's Japanese, and as sweet as can be, but she definitely doesn't hide her opinions, lol. She kept saying things like "when somebody takes you to eat, you eat!" She wanted to order appetizers and big meals and wine and desserts. I wanted to stay in my calorie limit and enjoy the lunch out.
It really just struck me as rude. I appreciated her gesture, but when you know somebody has food/weight issues, why rub it in their face? For Christmas, my dad bought me all kinds of chocolates, fancy chocolates, when he knew I was trying to lose weight. It's almost like he thought it was funny to tempt me. My boss always brings us food when she knows I'm losing weight, and she's trying to lose weight. Everyone is always giving me food, offering food, wanting to take me out to eat, etc.
And don't get me wrong, I'm really not hurt or offended, I know for the most part they're just being polite and generous. They're not TRYING to be rude. Giving food is very accepted. But really, would it be considered rude to take a recovering alcoholic to a bar? And insist that they get their favorite drink? Would it be rude for the father of a drug addict to give their kid drugs for Christmas? I just don't get it. When people KNOW that you are trying to lose weight, I think it's only fair that they make an effort to respect it.
I think part of it may be that a lot of people will think you should relax and enjoy yourself just this one time. But they don't realize how often opportunities for "just this one time" happen and if we gave in every time we had an excuse to splurge it could foil everything we work so hard for.
I've only experienced this with my mother and since she's my mother and we're really close, I can honestly tell her I don't want the big portions I used to eat. Initially, she would say something like "you can eat it all just this once" or "don't starve yourself". Now that she's seen me sticking to my guns, she lets me eat how much I want to eat and sees that I'm not starving myself at all. BTW, my mom is slim and has always been this way. Ironically, she's been a lifetime maintainer (without being obese) so it's odd that she tries to stuff ME with food. Anyway, I guess I'm lucky that my sis and my friends are not cooks so it's usually me making a few rich cookies or low-fat treats to give at xmas time or a low-fat/low-cal cake for a birthday, etc. I love to cook and bake and I'm aware that others might be trying to control portions like I am, so I try to make it as healthy as I can without sacrificing taste. It's difficult, but this works in a "takes one to know one" situation where both the gifter and the receiver are aware of calorie intake.
When I read your post, it seemed like your bf's aunt and your dad think that now that you have lost weight, you can go back to eating like you used to eat. That's a very common, albeit incorrect, idea that people have. I guess it's just going to take more perseverance on your part to convince your loved ones that you're making permanent changes. Sometimes, saying it a 1000 times isn't as effective as plain ol' time.
I wonder if they really understand how you feel and what your thoughts are on being offered food in this way. Is it something worth bringing up for discussion? They may not have yet realized that your lifestyle change means you'd rather not receive elaborate gifts of chocolate and be expected to wine and dine as though it's your last supper. When we change it also affects the people around us, and that might not be something they'll want to accept or like but it sounds like it's something they need to become aware of and respect.
wow, I feel for you. I am sure you don't want to offend them but sticking to your plan and not giving in to pressure is so important, you should be so proud. After all, you want to feel good, look good and be healthy.
KIDDO this problem will never be solved...it is what people do.
Weight wasn't an issue in my life until I was well into my 40's but I remember one of my Grandmas always wanting me to eat dessert....I never really wanted it...she was a GREAT cook...I could eat a billion pounds of her fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy but although I thought her desserts tasted great...and everyone else did too...I just have never been a dessert eater...
I bet I haven't had one piece of birthday cake in 30+ years...Angie doesn't even bother to make one for me!
throw me a bag of chips and I am all over it
Now my Grandma never meant any harm...but she just couldn't understand why I didn't want to eat her cakes, cookies, pies, etc like everyone else did.
Talk face to face to the ones that will listen....then just do what you need to do to for you for the rest....
I think SHE was definitely rude, because she pressured you to eat more than you were comfortable eating and made you feel bad about your choices. As long as you weren't talking about your ordering in a way that made her feel badly about her choice of gift ("Gosh, there is just NOTHING I can eat on this menu, I guess I'll just have soup and salad"...as opposed to "Yum, soup and salad sounds REALLY good"...you get the idea)
In general, though, I don't agree that offering food as a gift is rude, even to people who are watching what they eat. It may not be the most THOUGHTFUL gift, indicating that they didn't put a lot of consideration into it (like, for example, a throw pillow that matches nothing in your house), but it still should be received graciously. If you can't use it, do what you'd do with a non-matching pillow...put it away somewhere or give it to someone who can use it. And then write a thank you note.
Boy, howdy! I have always appreciated food gifts...my friends all know how much I love certain chocolates and they get them for me. My kids do too. And when I was in college my g'am used to send me "care" packages and I would hide all the fudge and cookies she made and sent so my roommate couldn't have them.
And I give food gifts a lot. I make the best cookies in the whole wide world and I always make lots and lots of them and give as gifts to the people I care about b/c I know they appreciate the time it takes me to bake.
I'm not sure where it leaves me for now though. I will still be appreciative, but I choose not to eat things that keep me from meeting my goals. Easter is coming...yikes. I'll have to rework the menu so I can share if friends come over. I usually try to do the cooking now and thankfully I am a good cook and have easy to please friends, so it doesn't taste like "diet food" even when it is.
My hubby works at one of the schools here, and they had a dance last night. He came home after work with leftovers from giant sub sandwiches for us to eat out biking today. I just thanked him and told him how much I appreciated the thought, and he had 1/2 of the sandwich he brought home today, while I had a flatout and some canadian bacon, which I am able to count and account for.
I think we have to be able to understand the intent of the food gift and then hope that the giver can understand that we are really serious about keeping to our plans even though we love them for thinking of us. It isn't always easy to find a way to be gracious when we are refusing a gift...
with your Japanese friend, I think it's a culture thing. When I dated a Japanese guy and we had dinner with his family, I sometimes left food there I didn't like (squid soup, no thanks!)..I just could stomach eating it so he had to eat it real quick so his family didn't see I didn't eat it. He told me it's frowned at when we don't eat the food given to us...
That was before I got serious with my weight loss.. there were a lot of times I ate food I didn't really want or like to make others happy. But I've learned from these boards I have to remember to do what's best for me and if I have to reject food - not to feel bad about it.
I don't think it's rude, they just don't know...most people I know don't understand the work it takes to lose weight, that I can't eat like they do and if I do I'll gain weight. and forget about trying to explain what a trigger food is and binges!
Last edited by ringmaster; 03-21-2010 at 12:03 AM.
I don`t think it`s rude to invite you for a meal, bnut it would be rude to criticise your choices and insist you eat more. I have to deal with this a lot. I love going out for dinner with my family, and there is always things which I could have and which fit my programme. But I don`t like for it to become a topic of conversation. ("Sure you don`t want the pissa? You always used to eat pissa. Don`t you like it any more or can`t you have it any more? Please, this is your treat! You can have fish at home, any time!") Aaaahrgh!
This is a cultural clash issue. In many cultures, where there has been a history of hunger, to not have eaten is quite rude. To give food is a sign of love and friendship.
For example in chineese culture, the 'how are you' greeting translates to have you had rice today.
To say no to food, you need to refuse at least 3-4 times. (and to accept on the first offer is rude as well. How are you to know whether they can really afford to give it to you or are they just being polite?)
I am not sure how to handle these situations but i think we should not take offence to gifts of food. I just pass them on or put them in the garbage.
For a meal, you may have to make the best choice possible. Luckily in a place like a japanese restaurant you could eat sashimi, and the portions tend to be small.
It took me several tries to get used to saying "no thank you" or to explain that I would eat, but wouldn't eat much, when people offered me food. My parents were actually the hardest, because they loved showing up at my apartment with tons of treats, and groceries to stock my fridge. Unfortunately it was mostly stuff that would throw off my healthy food regime. I eventually had a quick chat with them to request that if they really wanted to be helpful and still give me a 'treat', I would love fresh fruit, or fruit trays, or veggies from the market that I normally wouldn't spend the $$$ on. They took that and ran with it, and now my dad routinely shows up with armloads of fruits and veggies.
My friends' parents were also really difficult, and I finally had to take them aside and explain that I was trying to lose some weight and while their cooking was delicious, they shouldn't be offended when I only had a small portion of it.
I think with some people, the message may never get across. They view a meal out as something really special where you throw caution to the wind, and figure it can't harm you because it's just one meal. They don't necessarily understand that that's how our food issues began - one meal at a time. I think you did the best you could in the situation, and maybe if you write a little thank you note, saying you really enjoyed lunch, and it was a treat to see her (maybe pointing out that you appreciate the food but the best part was her company or something, so she'll know in future that even if you just order a coffee, it's still a treat to be out with her), that might help smooth things over.
Rudeness is always in the eye of the beholder, it can't be separated from culture. Taboos and social rules, politeness, rudeness... they're all created and reinforced by the culture in which we're raised.
When dealing with people of a different culture, it helps to remember that the social rules are different. Instead of labeling it rude, and taking offense, it's more productive to communicate more clearly.
Expecting other people to understand and make concessions is rarely practical. In theory, it would be nice - but it requires a mind reading skill that most people don't have. As a former probation officer, and substance abuse counselor I know that it's very common for the family and friends of alcoholics and drug users to be offered their drug of choice or invited to places in which alcohol/drug use will be occurring. If alcohol and/or drug use is part of the person's culture, it may be considered rude not to "offer."
It's one of the reasons counselors often recommend that people in recovery avoid the family and friends who are likely to view the problem behavior as normal or even polite behavior (whether it be alcohol/drug use, gambling, overspending, sexual addiction.....).
You can consider it rude, but I think it's more practical to understand that different people have different beliefs about what is ok and what isn't. The more confident you are in your beliefs, the less it will matter. Of course, it would be nice to offend no one ever - but that isn't possible because there are just too many opinions out there. What is "rude" to one person is just common courtesy to another.
Refusing hospitality is taboo in most cultures, a sign of intentional disrespect. That doesn't mean you're necessarily obligated to comply, but what it does mean is that both of you can legitimately complain that the other "was rude," and depending upon who you're each complaining to, you're both as likely to get a significant amount of agreement and disagreement over whether or not the other person was or was not rude.
This reminds me so much of my MIL! But fortunately with her (and only her), I have developed a very thick skin. She shows love through food, so when I do not eat it or do not wish to take it home, I think she feels as though I've rejected her love. Sometimes I try to side step the problem and divvy out my food to my children and husband when she isn't looking. Sometimes I just ask for a take home box immediately and divide out half. If I'm at her house and she wants to send me home with cake, sometimes I'll take it and trash it as soon as I get home. And sometimes....well sometimes I'm just rude and do what I want.
Is it rude to offer food as a gift or gesture?
