General chatter - Dating Question
03-18-2010, 05:41 PM
Okay so I’m a little confused about something and I’m hoping someone can help me out. I met this guy online last month and we hit it off pretty well. We met and went out on a date, and it seemed that things went pretty well on the date. And we’ve been talking constantly ever since. He texts me all the time, calls me (and we end up talking for at least 2 hours), etc. He’s also always telling me I look cute in my pics and sometimes making sexual comments (they’re tasteful, they’re not gross or anything).
Problem is, we have only gone out that once (he lives about an hour away). And I still don’t know what he wants from me….like if he only wants to be friends or more. I did ask him what he wants, and he said “I think you’re a cool girl and fun to talk to and I think we should hang out and see where it goes.” Whatever that means. I did NOT get an answer from that. Because doesn’t hanging out and seeing where it goes consist of actually HANGING OUT??
I put myself out there today and told him how I feel again and that I feel like he’s sending me mixed signals. He basically told me he didn’t know what to say so he won’t say anything at all. I don’t know what that means either! Am I just completely blind?? Is he playing games with me?? Does he just want to be friends?? I hate not knowing, but I can never get a straight answer from him. Any advice would be appreciated. :dunno:
03-18-2010, 05:47 PM
It sounds like he isn't really into you because I think a guy that was would tell you and want to go out with you. He may also be just interested in a sexual relationship.
03-18-2010, 05:56 PM
Yeah to me it does sound like he really likes you, but he does want to do things sexually with minimal investment.
03-18-2010, 06:01 PM
it sounds like he wants to have you available but he's not too interested. :/ just stay friends :/
03-18-2010, 07:49 PM
Yeah that's what I was thinking....I was just hoping I was wrong and he was maybe just shy :( Oh well....thanks for the advice!
03-18-2010, 08:37 PM
I put myself out there today and told him how I feel again and that I feel like he’s sending me mixed signals.
I would have done what you did -- ask for clarification.
There have been times in my dating life where I wanted light/casual and other times when I wanted more. I've always stated up front what I want currently looking for. It startled some people I dated, but it made my dating life a WHOLE lot easier.
To me you sound like you are not interested in light/casual stuff. And this is fine, sometimes one person wants light weight and another wants more serious.
I no longer ask open ended questions like "I feel like you are sending me mixed signals. What's up?" It opens the door for more evasiveness and non-answers like "I don’t know what to say so I won’t say anything at all."
I value up front-ness, I dislike passive aggressive, or shut-me-out-from-emotions stuff. BTDT already in past relationships so not up for more.
I would ask a more direct "I feel like you are sending me mixed signals. Tell me plainly what it is you are looking for... is it...
a) You aren't sure what you are looking for and are trying to figure it out.
b) You are looking for a "friends with benefits" situation only
c) B, with the possibility of more serious later (with time estimate -- ex: Friends with benefits til I get out of school because then I can be more serious, etc)
D) A serious relationship now
Then I could move on from there with some kind of clarity.
03-18-2010, 09:19 PM
If you tell them and STICK TO IT...."no sex before marriage"...you weed the losers out pretty fast....
Here is hoping he isn't one of the losers!
03-18-2010, 09:56 PM
Not everyone wants to or can get married :) And although I'm on the 'prudish' side, I know there are others that enjoy casual sexual relationships.
03-19-2010, 12:18 PM
I agree - it sounds like he's only interested in a very casual relationship. If you want more, I say ditch him and move on. Guys who are very interested will let you know. Guys who aren't that interested will act like this guy. The whole concept of "he's just not that into you" annoyed me for the longest time, but...it's absolutely true. If a guy's into you, you'll know it.
03-19-2010, 12:39 PM
Like the other girls have pointed out, HE is not into you that way. He is interested in a booty call and I deduct from your post that you're not. Yeah, so move on. Guys like that string nice girls along. If a guy is interested, he'll definetly make it clear even if he is Uber shy.
03-19-2010, 02:11 PM
Thanks for all the advice!!! :hug: I did ask him last night (because like usual we were up until 2 in the morning talking), and I asked him to tell me and give me a straight answer because I didn't want to play any games. And he told me "He's not ready to step into a relationship right now"....which basically means he's not into me (or he wants to date around...but I'm assuming it's probably both).
He told me today that he's a little mad at me for asking him that question. I don't know why he would be mad....what's wrong with wanting a straight answer???? I'm NOT going to continue to fall for him if he's not feeling the same way....what a waste of time! Luckily he's being nice about it, and we're still remaining friends for now. :)
03-19-2010, 02:33 PM
He told me today that he's a little mad at me for asking him that question. I don't know why he would be mad....what's wrong with wanting a straight answer???? I'm NOT going to continue to fall for him if he's not feeling the same way....what a waste of time! Luckily he's being nice about it, and we're still remaining friends for now.
Ugh. I'm with you.
Nothing wrong with asking. The world isn't just about him and what he wants from his dating journey. You have wants and are looking too! You have every right to ask to see if he's going to be a runner or not in YOUR journey!
They match up, yay, they don't move on. Not a big deal, no need to be childish about it by "being mad at you" over a simple question. Sheesh.
03-19-2010, 03:09 PM
I think he was mad that you asked him straight out because if he can keep your relationship ambiguous then there is always that chance you could be together. But because you stepped up and asked him point blank, he had to admit that he really is not that into you. I think he was keeping you as a back-up.
Good for you for doing what a lot of women can't do! You deserve a guy who wants you. And you will know it when he does-no wishy-washy, back-up plan!
03-19-2010, 03:55 PM
Men who aren't ready for relationships hate to feel pinned down. When you asked him for a straight answer he felt pinned down. You did the right thing tho, you needed to know, he was simply looking for something casual.
03-20-2010, 02:35 PM
Well, the truth is that he's angry because you keep asking him the same question although he keeps showing you the same answer. For a guy, if you keep telling him you like him and that you want to be involved with him over and over again he's going to lose interest pretty fast. Guys don't want somebody that's easy. I'm not implying that I think you are physically easy, but it seems like you've played all your emotional cards already.
I know this advice might sound stupid and I can already feel everybody rolling their eyes at me but get the book "The Rules." It sounds cheesy but it works, and it has worked for everybody I know. It's the only book that explains why men behave the way they do and what men are really looking for during courtship.
For example I used to sit on the phone at all hours of the night talking to some lame guy who I thought was into me to back when I was in my early 20's. But after putting into effect the 10 minute rule I got a lot more dates and a lot fewer sleepless nights. A guy does not want to know that you have that much time to talk to him. It makes you less interesting to him. If you suddenly say "well, gotta go" he'll think "wait, is she hanging out with someone else? Does she not like me? Is she out doing something fun?" and then THAT's when you've given him an opportunity to pursue you rather than being available for him all the time. We all want what we can't have and that's tenfold for men.
03-20-2010, 03:48 PM
i agree with everyone above, good job for asking him
if he got uncomfortable (aka mad for lack of better communication skills on his part) because you asked straight and he had to give a straight answer..that's his problem! HA!
good job on you, boohoo about him, there are plenty of fish in the sea!
03-27-2010, 01:30 AM
I agree with everyone who basically says move on. He apparently is not on the same page as you. If you want something long-term then you need to focus on that. If you want a casual relationship, then he would fit in more there. Once you decide what you want, the rest will fall into place.
Best of luck to you! ;)
03-27-2010, 04:20 AM
I think a month is not a very long time for a man or a woman to know where a relationship is headed, or to know where they want it to go.
I met my husband through a personal ad I placed. We taked on the phone several days before meeting.
The first date was kind of blah. He was more shy in person than on the phone, but I wasn't worried about there being no sparks, as I know sparks can develop. He told me that he didn't want to rush anything, and that if it didn't work out romantically, he'd still love to be platonic friends and do things together (over the first month he said that alot).
On our second date, we watched movies at his apartment. It went better, but still I was getting mixed messages from him. At the end of the evening, I hesitated at the door, kind of expected a goodnight kiss, hug, or handshake - some sign of romantic possibilities. He interpreted it as my wanting to spend the night, and said he wasn't ready for that and wanted to take things slowly. I laughed and told him that he'd misread the signal because I was NOT at all into casual sex (he still teases me that he still thinks I had more on my mind than a good night kiss).
We dated for more than a month without calling it anything (no kisses either). Finally I asked him whether we were "dating or what?" And he still didn't answer (turns out he had "you say it first" -itis). He told me that I was sending out mixed messages. At the end of a very long conversation we both decided to "see where it goes," and we were both open to it becoming romantic (and it did).
There are many legitimate reasons that a man or a woman might want to take relationship-building slowly. There are a lot of lame and even rotten reasons too (like maybe he's married or seeing someone else).
In our case, hubby was a bit gun shy from a very unpleasant previous relationship. He didn't want to rush things, because the last time he did, there were some pretty terrible consequences. The woman had children to whom my husband had become extremely attached, so the breakup had all the ugliness of a divorce, without any of the legal rights.
You need a lot of information that you don't have. Maybe he's not giving you a straight answer, because he doesn't know yet. A month is a terribly short time. If he's avoiding opportunities to get together in real life, and is communicating only in indirect ways, I would suspect the possibility of another woman in the picture (or man, if he's bisexual), or he could just be relatively old-fashioned or for some other reason wants to take it slow, or isn't comfortable declaring his emotions (which he may not even know at this point).
I'm not saying that you should stick it out, and I'm not telling you that you should, just sharing my story. My hesitant to commit guy did come around very quicky (we were married barely a year after meeting), so his feet couldn't have been that cold.