General chatter - How long does this take?




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milliondollarbbw
03-12-2010, 02:52 PM
:?::?::?::?: So, I feel like I am on a semi-mini emotional rollercoaster. The relationship ended almost a month ago, and yet, I feel like my emotions are up and down, up and down.

At times I feel like it is for the best---we had too many differences, I wasn't sure about marriage, I wasn't sure about his fidelity (i.e., could he stay happy in that regards?), I wasn't sure he would be happy for the long term, etc. And at other times I feel like maybe I was too hard on him, maybe I didn't do enough, maybe I wasn't as supportive as I could have been (even though he tells me that I was more supportive than anyone else and that is why he wants to be there for me whenever I need help), etc., etc., etc.

I find myself ok on some days, and crying at night on other days. I tried to get back out in the dating world, but the minute there is something icky about a potential date (why, why, why ask me my cup size? how unclassy is that?) I just get turned off and don't even bother replying.

I feel like my ex is a really good man and I feel bad that maybe I could have been more supportive and understanding. I also feel like the reality is that our relationship went through so much towards the end because he was going through so many life challenges (family and job stuff), and there was no time for us. I feel like we lost our relationship because all of the energy focused on trying to get through the challenges, trying to pay bills with less money, etc. We essentially stopped dating and when we did do things together, they were mainly chores and errands and things that needed to be done, but not time together just focused on us as a couple.

So, when my ex and I spoke recently, he said something like he was worried that I might be thinking that our break-up was temporary or that nothing had changed since our big talk. I never said that and not sure what he meant by that, but he is really hard to understand, so I am not sure of what he was saying. I think he is worried because we still talk. Sigh. He got upset because I cried and he doesn't like to see me upset. We both said that we love each other and want to be each other's friend. It is so weird cause I don't know how he really feels (does he miss me?). I do know that things with his family are still stressing him, so he is still dealing with the same things that he was dealing with when we were together.

Sigh. It just feels like an emotional rollercoaster. I will always love him and want him in my life. I just don't know about us getting to a place where we are discussing our new partners, etc.


nelie
03-12-2010, 05:52 PM
I personally think it takes longer if you try to remain friends. It may be that you two can be friends in the future but I'd recommend you separating yourself completely from him.

milliondollarbbw
03-12-2010, 05:57 PM
that is the hard part---we are so close, almost like family (I know that sounds weird and that isn't what I mean). I do think I probably should lessen the texts sent. It is so weird because I really feel like the relationship ended because of all of the stress he is going through and that he can't really give much to a relationship right now. So, I feel like if I just don't talk to him, then that wouldn't be supportive. Love is weird. :(


astrophe
03-12-2010, 06:00 PM
I'm confused.

I see you broke up last month.

Are you saying you want to get back together?

Or are you saying you don't want to get back together, but want to stay friends and are finding it hard?

Whichever it is... keep this in mind.

1) You meet many "Right Ones" in life. Just not always "The Right One At the Right Time."

2) It is normal to grieve after a break up and wonder "Why!? Why?!" kind of things. Give yourself the time and space to heal. This includes a bit of distance with the ex, even if you are still good friends. The thing is.... a break up means he's no longer #1 on your speed dial, you know?

A.

milliondollarbbw
03-12-2010, 06:10 PM
I agree that it is confusing. Yes, we broke up last month. We still chat as friends, though having actual long conversations seems to not happen often. We text every day. At times, it seems like my bf misses with me with the way and times he will text me.

I do realize that we may not be the best for each other and that I have a lot of faults that I need to work on. I also feel like he is without a doubt the nicest guy I have ever dated. I have never been so open with someone I dated. So, there is the conflict----a great guy and the mistakes I may have made in our relationship, versus the fact that I don't know if we would have broken up in things had been better in his life, etc. I don't know if we would have been good married, etc.

Sigh. It is a weird situation. I have been focusing more on me as a way of staying centered and focused. At times I get more emotional I think because I am afraid of being alone, afraid of not finding someone who will like me for me, afraid that maybe I made a mistake and wasn't a good enough person and missed the good points about my ex. Sigh.

angelskeep
03-12-2010, 06:21 PM
Is it possible for you to just take care of yourself and let the rest sort itself as it may? That';s really all we can control...our own selves. So, why not focus on you and all the things you do right and if it's supposed to be it will and if not, you are open for something else.

I know it's hard when you care about someone, but I don't think you can have it both ways...either there is a relationship or there's not, and if there's not, you are wasting your efforts on something that can never be as good as it should. Matters not who is to blame or if nobody is to blame.

Honest to goodness, if you can get to the point where you are the most important priority, you will ooze confidence and be so very attractive and you will open yourself to someone who will treasure you for all the right things and not be wishy-washy.

"fake it till you make it" right? You will be okay. In time.

Barb

beachlover86
03-12-2010, 06:40 PM
wow... I could have wrote your post almost verbatum right now. I am going through a very similar situation and having a very hard time with it. I recently decided that i couldn't move forward with my life constantly being reminded of what we were everyday. Its like reopening the wound. When i think rationally I think it was the right decision but then emotions get involved and I think we could make things work and I didn't try enough. I finally decided to cut communication with him. Not permanently but for a while to get myself together, it could be good for him too. I am focusing on myself. Doing all the little things that make me happy. Additionally i really think we just met at the wrong time and honestly if its meant to be everything will work. Sorry this probably wasn't much help but just how i am dealing with things. I wake up and just take it one day at a time. It is hard but I know everyday will get just a little bit easier. Good Luck.

milliondollarbbw
03-12-2010, 06:58 PM
wow... I could have wrote your post almost verbatum right now. I am going through a very similar situation and having a very hard time with it. I recently decided that i couldn't move forward with my life constantly being reminded of what we were everyday. Its like reopening the wound. When i think rationally I think it was the right decision but then emotions get involved and I think we could make things work and I didn't try enough. I finally decided to cut communication with him. Not permanently but for a while to get myself together, it could be good for him too. I am focusing on myself. Doing all the little things that make me happy. Additionally i really think we just met at the wrong time and honestly if its meant to be everything will work. Sorry this probably wasn't much help but just how i am dealing with things. I wake up and just take it one day at a time. It is hard but I know everyday will get just a little bit easier. Good Luck.

Wow! Thank you everybody! I know that so many of you are right. I also admit that when I am thinking rationally, there were problems, and I was hesitant about getting married because of certain issues, and I also admit that my ex admitted that he wasn't ready to change certain things. So, I understand rationally that maybe we were not the best fit. It is just my emotions that get in the way, coupled with trying to not binge and all of that, and it makes a bit sad.

I really think that focusing on my health like I am now is really helping me to stay sane. It just gets hard at night, or when I am alone in my apartment and just feeling alone from everyone. I think that as I manage my health, it will help to lift my spirits and mood.