100 lb. Club - No, I don't feel better




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caryesings
03-11-2010, 06:20 PM
More than once, I've gotten the comment "I bet you feel so much better!" when people hear how much I've lost. I don't know why this comment gets my back up, but I suspect because it feels like a variation on people thinking fat=unfit and thin=fit.

My physical fitness has obviously improved immensely as I doubled my exercise, but I was in pretty good shape at my fattest and healthwise had no problems. And I have a totally sedentary job (program telephone systems from my home) and primary hobby is singing so neither of these pursuits have gotten easier with weight loss. Maybe if I had a physically demanding job or hobby, I would have felt the weight physically. But honestly the emotional pain of being obese was the pain I was feeling, and not feeling better about that one yet.

Thanks for listening.


Trazey34
03-11-2010, 06:32 PM
I TOTALLY AGREE!!!! ergh that comment annoys me! excuse me, i never felt BAD!! even worse in my opinion is " you must be so much happier now" like, WTF???? how does weight correlate to happiness, except on the basest of levels? you're either happy or you're not, if you're miserable and sad and lose a ton of weight you won't magically become a happy person, sorry to say! You can feel accomplished and feel more attractive and that can ADD to happiness but it won't change your fundamental core. I was super happy before, and I'm happy NOW. I felt great before (sure a few moree ooophs when I tried hauling around 300 lbs. but I never felt BAD) and I feel great now. What I feel now is... what's the word??? quick! i feel nimble now LOL

ANewCreation
03-11-2010, 06:55 PM
People say that to me often. They get a cold stare and, "Back then, I would have said I felt fine." I felt fine then, I feel fine now. Are my lab numbers better? Yes, they are! But when they weren't, I still felt fine. Feeling fine often has nothing to do with actually being well. I dressed well. I was happy. I had friends. My husband loved me. We had an active love life. It's all still good. The only thing that has changed is my body!

I think people project alot of their feelings about fat onto us. THEY feel better now that we aren't as heavy. THEY can't imagine a fat person being happy, successful, in love, etc.

I know I shouldn't be so touchy, but honestly, the backhanded compliments people give......just got one the other day from a friend I hadn't seen in awhile. NOW, I'm pretty, according to her. That literally left me speechless.

Don't mind me.....still a little grumpy from that one....;)


mescelestus
03-11-2010, 07:02 PM
I am only 20, so I was never really physically affected by my weight....But I must say that MY WEIGHT LOSS SO FAR HAS HAD A TREMENDOUS EFFECT ON MY HAPPINESS! How could anyone be happy knowing that they are not their best self? I was wasting my potential. And I radiate a lust for life now that I never had before. Why bother losing weight if it will not make you feel better in some way?

kaplods
03-11-2010, 07:16 PM
I've been irritated by the same types of comments, and by others such as overgushing "you look great" (really stressing how horrible I looked before), and yet I also know that it's a no win situation for people. No matter WHAT they say (or DON'T say) someone will be offended.

Saying nothing offends some people (I lost weight and no one even noticed or cared enough to compliment me).

Saying anything offends some people (None of their business anyway)

Saying something to the effect of "You look Great," can be offensive (Oh, you mean I was ugly before).



Of all the comments people can make, I think "Oh you must feel better," is the most open-ended, as it can be interpreted more broadly, better how?
Emotionally, physical healthy, physical ability, socially, sexually?

After all if a person is voluntarily losing weight, why would they do it except to feel better in some way? Better about how they look, better about their health (both in feeling healthier, but also in feeling more satisfied with their healthy habits)....

There is no response that is 100% socially acceptable. In situations in which there isn't a universally approved response, people end up saying stupid stuff because they don't know WHAT to say - such as when my MIL's husband passed away after decades of severe health problems, and MIL's friends tried to comfort her with such comments as "well at least you have your dogs for company," to "it must be a relief for it to finally be over" (it being the man's health problems, and MIL needing to be caretaker).

PeanutsMom704
03-11-2010, 07:18 PM
fwiw, I do feel better physically. I have more energy, I sleep better, my knees don't hurt as much, my feet don't hurt after a routine amount of walking around. I was lucky enough to avoid specifically weight-related health conditions but I did not escape these physical manifestations of being obese.

I think it's rude to assume anyone overweight is sad or depressed or feels badly about themselves, or conversely, that weight loss would automatically fix those things.

But, yeah, physically, my loss so far has definitely made a big improvement for me, which I expect will continue as I get smaller until at some point, the law of diminishing returns will kick in and changes will be incremental enough that I will no longer notice.

I would say that if that hasn't been your experience to go ahead and let people know that if they comment, but my guess is that is what they are thinking about and not making judgements that fat=unfit.

Gracie789
03-11-2010, 07:24 PM
So true. I've found it kinda difficult talking to people about my weight loss (outside of this forum ;) ), especially to those that haven't had the kind of weight experiences I've gone through.

For me, my 300+ lbs were the direct result of my unhealthy relationship with food and other emotional issues (emotional eater, insecurity, low-self esteem, ...). I wasn't happy at 300+ lbs but then again I wasn't happy at 150 lbs either. A year ago if I took a magic pill that would instantly transform me to my goal weight I would still have been unhappy and unhealthy, the only difference is that I would have physically weighed less.

When I committed myself to a lifestyle change last year it wasn't about losing weight, for me it was about getting healthy both physically and emotionally. Weight loss was the result of my efforts, and I'm thankful for that but the best result has been getting back into a healthy and loving place mentally.

Anyways, in my opinion those of us with 100+ lbs to lose go through so much more than a physical change and that's what is so darn hard to explain. Physically I weigh less and it is much easier to move around, but the biggest changes have been emotional and that's what I'm most proud of!

rockinrobin
03-11-2010, 07:32 PM
you won't magically become a happy person, sorry to say! You can feel accomplished and feel more attractive and that can ADD to happiness but it won't change your fundamental core.

Well I really am a MUCH happier person now. MUCH. And it really DID change my fundamental core. I 'm happier and freer and more confident. I have less anxieties. Each and every area of my has seen improvement. Most areas MAJOR improvement. It's not that I walked around like a sad sack, I did my best to mask it, but really my quality of life was an inferior one. So though I had some happy & great "aspects" to my life - my amazing children come immediately to mind - I WAS NOT HAPPY.

I can absolutely say that I even enjoy my children more now that I've lost the weight. EVERY thing was made worse by the added weight. EVERYTHING.

It's very hard to be happy when you feel as if you're letting yourself (& your family) down. Not doing what's required of you. Failing your family and yourself. Again, there were happy times, but that's not the same as happi-NESS. I've found an inner peace and contentment that comes with knowing that you're doing the best that you can do for yourself. Discipline. It's a wonderful thing. Not having any (in regard to my food intake) doesn't leave one feeling very good about oneself. Of course I am speaking about my own experiences. Discipline. Self respect. All tied in. It's really hard to put into words.

That being said, I don't care for the comment either. It's waaaay too personal and people have no right to "go there".

Beverlyjoy
03-11-2010, 07:38 PM
I think people 'mean well'. Like Kaplods said - what is acceptable to one isn't to another.

I feel much much better being down 50 pounds.

caryesings
03-11-2010, 07:42 PM
Thanks all, this is exactly why I love having this forum to turn to. I know my friends are likely trying to avoid the "you look better" comment (yet still say something positive in their minds), so I didn't say anything negative to them. Just very glad I had somewhere to go with the feeling that comment stirred up when I heard it for the 3rd time in a week.

cathydoe
03-11-2010, 07:46 PM
Interesting that you would say that...because the two people that have noticed that I have lost weight have said the same thing to me..."I bet you feel better" And both times I paused and looked at them and was so confused. I cannot remember what my response was...but I know I didn't like the comment "I bet you feel so much better"

But then later I talked to someone about it and they said...well I think it is hard for people to know what to say...which I suppose is true.

Maybe I don't like the statement because it sounds judgmental. Great to hear I am not alone...as I so often learn here on 3FC!

rockinrobin
03-11-2010, 07:48 PM
Funny about the feeling better. I just realized that's my very own line that I use all the time.

People always say to me how great I look and I still have a hard time taking a compliment, yet alone about my looks, I immediately say, "thank you, I FEEL great"

milliondollarbbw
03-11-2010, 08:04 PM
More than once, I've gotten the comment "I bet you feel so much better!" when people hear how much I've lost. I don't know why this comment gets my back up, but I suspect because it feels like a variation on people thinking fat=unfit and thin=fit.

My physical fitness has obviously improved immensely as I doubled my exercise, but I was in pretty good shape at my fattest and healthwise had no problems. And I have a totally sedentary job (program telephone systems from my home) and primary hobby is singing so neither of these pursuits have gotten easier with weight loss. Maybe if I had a physically demanding job or hobby, I would have felt the weight physically. But honestly the emotional pain of being obese was the pain I was feeling, and not feeling better about that one yet.

However, I do have overweight friends who say they feel good at their weight and do not intend on losing any. I also know that they are far more active than I am. :)
Thanks for listening.

I don't think i would take it personally, mainly because I DO feel different and better when I am carrying less weight. I would also venture that a lot of people who are obese or morbidly obese feel somewhat better (maybe just comfort or energy wise) if they lose weight. I know my response is biased because I have been at a lower weight and I can soooo feel the difference between then and my higher weight now.

WarMaiden
03-11-2010, 08:10 PM
People have made a variety of comments to me about my weight loss. To be honest, there is not a single comment which has offended me, even though some of the comments have been awkward or clueless. I have no issue with talking openly and honestly about my weight loss, because it's no secret to anyone who knew me then that I was very obese. And it's no secret to anyone who sees me now that I'm still fat.

I got very fat because I have an addiction to sugar, much like an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol. I am not "proud" of this problem, but I am proud of having finally figured out how to handle it, and I am very happy to share that story with people. Because...it might help someone who has a similar problem. My mom is an alcoholic with 20 years of sobriety, and she is never shy about explaining the problem to anyone, and she does excellent work with those who are newer in her AA program, helping them figure out how to help themselves.

Yes, I do feel physically and emotionally much better, because I was physically and emotionally quite sick. And now I am much more healthy. It was not the fat that was killing me, it was me that was killing me. I have a story of recovery, now, and I am happy and proud of that.

We each have our own story. People who make awkward or clueless (or any other) comments are mostly thinking about their own story, not yours. I always keep that in mind, and simply don't take that stuff personally, at all.

PaulaM
03-11-2010, 09:56 PM
People assume anybody who is overweight is barely able to put a foot in front of the other. I do not notice any tiredness, inability to move etc. and never did. I think it's very insensitive of people to say those things, even though they "mean well". I especially don't like the remarks about whatever you do, don't gain it back! Or you look so much better, implying you were a warthog previously. The biggest insult I can remember is all those remarks when I went from 135 down to 127 (years ago). At that time I was never fat but they made me feel like I was morbidly obese.

weebleswobble
03-11-2010, 10:18 PM
I can't compare my intentional weight loss to the grief of losing a loved one.

Maybe if I were to discover that I had to have a mastectomy and someone said, "well, at least you'll have your other breast" that might be a similar grief.

I've worked really hard at losing weight, and when someone wants to show me that they recognize that achievement, I'm going to acknowledge that gesture with grace. It's OK if my answer to their question is no:
"You must feel so much better!"
"You know, it's not so much how I feel, but I love these new clothes! Have you been working on your diet too?"

For me, how I feel (and my health improvements) is the CORE of my lifestyle change. The size 12 jeans and the awesome bod is just the sugar free-fat free frosting. :) I sure do feel better, in my body and about my body! (and I tell people that!)

ubergirl
03-11-2010, 11:56 PM
Well, I get that comment a lot too, but it never occurred to me to take offense, because I do in fact feel MUCH better. I was not physically fit, at all at my high weight, but I used to go out and do 4 miles walks and stuff, so I wasn't so obese that I was immobile or anything.

But my body didn't feel good AT ALL. I had these big fat rolls that seemed to get in the way. My knees creaked. I had hoist myself in and out of chairs.

That being said, I'm basically a healthy person-- rarely sick, and not a complainer. So I wasn't walking around complaining about aches and pains, or even really thinking about them. I spent a lot of time in DENIAL-- not thinking about the fact that I was unable to do so many things I used to do.

When I walk up the stairs carrying my son who weighs forty pounds and realize that every single time I walked up the stairs it was like I was carrying two of him. Gosh. That just blows my mind. And the last year or two of obesity, I had a really big problem with my lower legs swelling at the end of long drives or work days. In fact, come to think about it, I used to get exhausted if I was at work and had to stand all day. I was always leaning on something and wishing I could sit down.

giselley
03-12-2010, 02:26 AM
Oh, usually what they say to me is "you look like you've lost some weight."
I say, "yeah, about 30 pounds." They say, "pretty good work," or something like that. I do happen to feel better but it is in a "meh" sort of way. I can get up easier than 30 pounds ago, and walk up stairs without breathing as hard. That certainly does not mean that I am dancing around in happy land. I think a lot of people are way too hard on themselves and raise the bar too high-- maybe expecting miracles.

KforKitty
03-12-2010, 06:09 AM
I too DO feel better. I wasn't 'ill' before but I often felt physically tired at the end of the day, uncomfortable in hot weather, embarassed when clothes shopping and exercising and all those things have gone so that must be 'better' right?

Kitty

TJFitnessDiva
03-12-2010, 08:19 AM
I feel a lot better too but I understand how that comment and my other fav "OMG you look *soo* much better!" can be a double edge sword. For me it just depends on the person that is saying it. A person that I know meant no harm and wanted to compliment me I generally say "Thank you! I can keep up with my crazy kids now lol" or with my other fav I just tell them thank you :)

Now for the people that do it in mean spirits I can kinda get mean back but they mostly know to not say anything to at least my face....well except one of my aunts. She thinks she is being smooth but we all know better. :lol:
The other day one she told me "OMG, Tanee, you look like a million times better than you did before you lost all of that weight!" and she did this in front of a lot of people at our local Winn Dixie. I was a little mean in my response and I thought my best friend was going to die laughing but I told her "I know...I am *such* a hottie now. Ummm" I paused.."well uh you are carrying your...ummm...age well" Bwahahaha! :devil: Her face was priceless!

rockinrobin
03-12-2010, 08:30 AM
I was thinking about this some more. When people say that you "must feel so much better", they're going under the assumption that you didn't necessarily feel "bad" before - but NOW you must feel, ummm, well BETTER THAN BEFORE. Who wouldn't????

And they're right. I haven't heard one person here lose weight and say they don't feel better (whether it's 10 lbs, 150 lbs or anywhere in between). Physically, emotionally, whatever. Look at all our feel good, NSV and celebratory threads that we each start - we have so many of them for a reason - we FEEL so darn good about ourselves, what we've accomplished, etc. - that we want to share it with everyone here. We feel so good about it. We feel so much - better. :)

Ruthxxx
03-12-2010, 08:39 AM
To quote my mother: "Personal remarks are seldom in good taste." I just ignore some remarks.

LizR
03-12-2010, 09:31 AM
I was thinking about this some more. When people say that you "must feel so much better", they're going under the assumption that you didn't necessarily feel "bad" before - but NOW you must feel, ummm, well BETTER THAN BEFORE. Who wouldn't????

And they're right. I haven't heard one person here lose weight and say they don't feel better (whether it's 10 lbs, 150 lbs or anywhere in between). Physically, emotionally, whatever. Look at all our feel good, NSV and celebratory threads that we each start - we have so many of them for a reason - we FEEL so darn good about ourselves, what we've accomplished, etc. - that we want to share it with everyone here. We feel so good about it. We feel so much - better. :)

I agree that I feel 100% better physically since losing weight but I actually feel worse emotionally. :( Eating was how I coped with stress and I just don't find anything else works as well. I wish I could be thrilled like you and others but I feel like I gave up a lot when I gave up over eating.

Of course I wouldn't say "No I feel worse." to someone who complimented me because I know they are being nice.

Nada
03-12-2010, 09:33 AM
The compliment minefield. I never mind any compliments, however awkwardly stated, because I know I DO feel better and I DO look better. It's true. Are some of those compliments meant in a condescending way? Maybe, but I ignore the tone and say thank you anyway.

However from reading this board and talking to folks I understand not everyone feels the way I do so I usually say things like, "you look nice" or "that looks nice on you."

I would hate to ignore someone's hard work by not complimenting them when I notice a change, but I try to keep it vague.

rockinrobin
03-12-2010, 09:38 AM
I agree that I feel 100% better physically since losing weight but I actually feel worse emotionally. :( Eating was how I coped with stress and I just don't find anything else works as well. I wish I could be thrilled like you and others but I feel like I gave up a lot when I gave up over eating.

.

Can I just say that I am saddened that you feel worse emotionally and I hope that you will keep on searching to find something to ease your stress. Keep searching - because it's out there.

But can I ask you this, when you gave up that something - the overfeeding of yourself - do you not feel that you've GAINED so much in other areas? I understand that you've still got to find a way to deal with stress - but do you not feel that being slimmer and healthier was WORTH it? Yes, I've given up that high calorie/high quantity food - but I got back so much more in return. Can you look at it that way? Maybe? Perhaps? Can you maybe see that the food CAUSED waaay more stress than it "solved"? Because in the end, does it really provide you with long term stress relief? Isn't over feeding just a temporary "quick" fix that in the end doesn't wind up fixing much and actually brings about a whole other slew of issues? :hug:

Nada
03-12-2010, 09:41 AM
LizR, what have you tried for stress relief? I could go back to being an emotional eater if I didn't indulge my "endorphin habit". But that doesn't work for everyone.

Other folks use meditation, yoga, knitting, yelling :). I hope you can find something that can work for you.

Trazey34
03-12-2010, 12:52 PM
I agree that I feel 100% better physically since losing weight but I actually feel worse emotionally. :( Eating was how I coped with stress and I just don't find anything else works as well. I wish I could be thrilled like you and others but I feel like I gave up a lot when I gave up over eating.

Of course I wouldn't say "No I feel worse." to someone who complimented me because I know they are being nice.


I think that’s a really brave and honest comment to make. My original point I was trying to make, was to caution folks from thinking that “as soon as I lose weight, I’ll be happy” or any external event really. “Once I find love, once I get my dream job, once I lose weight, once I do XYZ ….THEN I’ll be happy” the therapist in me balks at the notion that outside forces make us happy or unhappy. WE make us happy. Outside things change, we get fat again, we lose a partner, we lose a job, any number of things change and if THAT’s what our happiness is predicated upon, well you can see what a disaster that is. Work that we do on ourselves, knowing ourselves, finding ways to make us happy as we ARE, methods of coping that hopefully don’t include self-destructive behaviours, all these things are so important to life-long growth and happiness.

GirlyGirlSebas
03-12-2010, 12:53 PM
Well, as you can see from my ticker, I've not done well on the weight loss front. And, I feel like garbage! I have no energy, my knees hurts, I feel moody from too much sugar. When I was younger, the weight didn't bother me. However, as I've aged, the weight has finally taken it's toll.

I think everyone should just accept the compliments graciously. The majority of them aren't offered with a rude or demeaning spirit.

slimmingsi
03-12-2010, 01:22 PM
I felt heaps better at 226! But i know that now I'm back over 300 I did t at the time. It's sad but as I saw the weight carry on increasing I just thought no big deal I'll just lose it again I've done it before.

I remember having more stable moods I slept better and needed less sleep as I was getting better quality of sleep. But I admit at the time I never felt any different than being fat I guess it's just that the changes are so slow you get use to them

rockinrobin
03-12-2010, 01:35 PM
I think everyone should just accept the compliments graciously. The majority of them aren't offered with a rude or demeaning spirit.

I think you may have a point there! Perhaps at times we are reading a bit too much into it.

Sooo much better for me to hear these things to my face then probably what many were saying or most likely thinking behind my back.

Really, I am GRATEFUL to have these comments thrown my way. For every not so "bright" remark there are dozens of other well meaning, kind, caring and genuinely happy for me remarks. And again, I am grateful, more than grateful that I am in the position to warrant them. ;)

belezura
03-12-2010, 01:53 PM
All I have to say is that I fell WAY BETTER now. I am happier when I go shopping and can fit in everything I like and want.
I understand what they mean by that comment and it doesn't bother me a bit.
Actually feels good when someone notice I lost weight.
The comments that irritate me are the ones that say I am too thin now...
Excuse me... I am happier and feel way better, so I don't care what you think.

rockinrobin
03-12-2010, 02:08 PM
That "too thin" comment - probably also well meaning.

And another one I am more than grateful to be in the position to hear. :)

gumboot
03-12-2010, 02:09 PM
To quote my mother: "Personal remarks are seldom in good taste." I just ignore some remarks.

Amen!

ChrissyBean
03-12-2010, 02:36 PM
I feel a lot happier at the weight I'm at than at the weight I was. So yeah, I *do* feel better. I can wear running shoes without custom orthotics, I can run, I can resist treats, I can shop in "normal" clothing stores...I'm really grateful and appreciative of those things.

LizR
03-12-2010, 03:41 PM
But can I ask you this, when you gave up that something - the overfeeding of yourself - do you not feel that you've GAINED so much in other areas? I understand that you've still got to find a way to deal with stress - but do you not feel that being slimmer and healthier was WORTH it? Yes, I've given up that high calorie/high quantity food - but I got back so much more in return. Can you look at it that way? Maybe? Perhaps? Can you maybe see that the food CAUSED waaay more stress than it "solved"? Because in the end, does it really provide you with long term stress relief? Isn't over feeding just a temporary "quick" fix that in the end doesn't wind up fixing much and actually brings about a whole other slew of issues? :hug:

I have gained so much in other areas. I am much healthier, physically I can keep up with my kids and I know I am setting a much better example for them than if I was constantly stuffing myself. I would NEVER go back to where I was before.

You are 100% right that over eating was a "quick" stress fix with no long term benefits at all and many long term negatives. It is just that eating junk food immediately calmed me down without taking any time or effort or much money. Right now I am working through a book called Instant Calm to try and find other techniques that are healthier. I am not giving up.

rockinrobin
03-12-2010, 04:19 PM
I have gained so much in other areas. I am much healthier, physically I can keep up with my kids and I know I am setting a much better example for them than if I was constantly stuffing myself. I would NEVER go back to where I was before.

You are 100% right that over eating was a "quick" stress fix with no long term benefits at all and many long term negatives. It is just that eating junk food immediately calmed me down without taking any time or effort or much money. Right now I am working through a book called Instant Calm to try and find other techniques that are healthier. I am not giving up.

But for me, and from what I think I'm hearing from you, that over feeding came at too high a price. Just like drinking, drugs, overspending, promiscuous sex...

I am so glad to hear that you CAN and DO see all the wonderful things you have accomplished. :)

That book sounds interesting! Let us know how it goes. :hug:

Wizzie
03-12-2010, 04:56 PM
This is really such an open and honest thread. With the comments, I think you have to consider the source and know how that person really feels about you.

For a non-weight loss example in my own life, one of my dearest friends( she really does love me and I her) said to me when I had a miscarriage, " Well, it wasn't like it was a real baby." Now it hurt me to the core and I was angry for a long time but then I realized how she meant it from her world. She was honestly trying to make me feel better. I know she meant well in her heart. So I let it go and we are still dear dear friends to this day.

The point is most of the time, you know if a comment is really backhanded and condescending or just a comment meant to be nice but came out wrong.

Focus on the intent, not the words.

kaplods
03-12-2010, 07:18 PM
For the most part, I assume that most comments are well-meant, and that even when it seems to be intentionally snarky, I tend to assume that the person is having a bad day and I don't have to let their bad day become my bad day.

I do have relatives who always are critical, and I can let it bother me, or I can feel sad for them that every day is a bad day for them. Even if they seem to get pleasure out of being nasty - how sad is that when the only enjoyment you get out of life is trying to make other people feel bad.

I usually don't let them make their misery mine - I don't care how much misery loves company I choose not to be miserable (more often than not).


I sometimes don't know if a person unintentionally screwed up a compliment, or whether they're trying to be mean and snarky - but for me it doesn't matter because my favorite response is the same for both. Because when you treat a backhanded compliment as if it were a real compliment, it really ticks off the person giving it (or confuses them which is just as good).

I have relatives and a few acquaintences who are kings and queens of backhanded compliments. And it's actually fun to play mind games with them. When you treat a backhanded compliment like a REAL compliment (and even overact how thrilled you are with the "compliment"), the reaction is hilarious. They get angry or confused and it almost always leaves them speechless. A few are stubborn and will throw another insult at me (still cloaked as a compliment, usually) and then I thank them even more gushingly - and at that point their mouths usually drop open and/or they change the topic (but if necessary, I repeat until it does have that effect).

I'm still waiting for one of them to come out and truly say what's on their mind - but that's never happened yet.

I often used to think that as a blanket statement "people suck," but I'm more likely to think "people are screwed up and crazy." Sometimes I think I'm the only sane person on the planet (when I'm choosing to be delusional), but most of the time I realize I'm nearly as crazy as everyone else, and often nearly as likely to say something stupid, either intentionally or because I'M having a bad day. Although I'll admit that I may be delusional in thinking that I'm even marginally better at such things than every one else.

LizR
03-12-2010, 08:53 PM
LizR, what have you tried for stress relief? I could go back to being an emotional eater if I didn't indulge my "endorphin habit". But that doesn't work for everyone.

Other folks use meditation, yoga, knitting, yelling :). I hope you can find something that can work for you.

I am soo jealous of people who learn to enjoy exercise. I keep hoping it will be me one day. I have tried:

meditation (hated it!)
yoga (double hated it)
drinking diet soda (too expensive)
taking walks (works but other obligations keep me from doing it)
needlepoint (love it but again with the other obligations)

I live in an apartment and I think yelling would upset the neighbors.

I am currently reading a book called Instant Calm to try and find stress relief methods. It has several dozen suggestions so I'm hopeful one will help.

Shmead
03-12-2010, 10:40 PM
A man I worked with today said "have you been working out?" and I said "A little bit "(understatement!) and he said "It shows". I thought that was a very gracious compliment--it was about what I was doing, not about what I was. I am going to steal that.

joannie
03-12-2010, 11:41 PM
I was thinking about this some more. When people say that you "must feel so much better", they're going under the assumption that you didn't necessarily feel "bad" before - but NOW you must feel, ummm, well BETTER THAN BEFORE. Who wouldn't????

And they're right. I haven't heard one person here lose weight and say they don't feel better (whether it's 10 lbs, 150 lbs or anywhere in between). Physically, emotionally, whatever. Look at all our feel good, NSV and celebratory threads that we each start - we have so many of them for a reason - we FEEL so darn good about ourselves, what we've accomplished, etc. - that we want to share it with everyone here. We feel so good about it. We feel so much - better. :)

I receive all types of comments frequently, and while some are back-handed comments, I believe that most are genuine. People around me seem surprised by what I have done in a short time, and that leads to many comments/questions. Many of the "You must feel so much better" comments I get ironically come from people who are on weight loss journeys themselves, but do get these comments from acquaintances as well. I do not get offended, because like many have said, yes, I do feel better THAN BEFORE. This is the lowest weight I have been since 7th grade. I do not know what thin feels like. If you would have asked me previously, I would have said I feel fine (now I can say part denial, but also part not knowing what it feels like to not be obese). It is only after starting to lose the weight that I realize just how much better I feel. I feel alive, I do not hurt, I have energy, and I am happy.

rockinrobin
03-12-2010, 11:59 PM
I receive all types of comments frequently, and while some are back-handed comments, I believe that most are genuine. People around me seem surprised by what I have done in a short time, and that leads to many comments/questions. Many of the "You must feel so much better" comments I get ironically come from people who are on weight loss journeys themselves, but do get these comments from acquaintances as well. I do not get offended, because like many have said, yes, I do feel better THAN BEFORE. This is the lowest weight I have been since 7th grade. I do not know what thin feels like. If you would have asked me previously, I would have said I feel fine (now I can say part denial, but also part not knowing what it feels like to not be obese). It is only after starting to lose the weight that I realize just how much better I feel. I feel alive, I do not hurt, I have energy, and I am happy.

Hi Joannie. So nice to "meet" you. And with a beautiful looking avatar no less. 200 lbs. Wow. Nice to have you here and congrats on the life transforming weight loss.

Feeling a bit "better" are you? ;)

I do think a large part of it, for some, is one just doesn't know what they are missing. You get so used to settling and settling and settling, that that second best, that inferior quality of life becomes "normal" to you. You know no different.

Though that wasn't the case with me. I KNEW there was a better life out there for me. But I swear I hadn't it a clue it would be THIS amazing!!

And Joannie, we'd love to have you pop in to our Maintainer's Forum. I think you'd benefit greatly from it. (As would we :)) So please stop on by.

thinmintintraining
03-13-2010, 01:23 AM
I personally think I would rather get a back-handed comment regardless the tone rather than what I have had in the past...You have such a pretty face, if you would just lose a little weight, You won't ever get married if you don't lose weight, you won't be able to have children if you don't lose weight!! I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound much like encouragement and motivation to me.

I haven't lost all that much but at least it's a loss! I agree with a lot of the posts, I don't think that the comments are meant in a snide way unless the person giving it is just a total jerk :) Then you have to deal with those people accordingly!! People really don't know what to say! It's like going to a funeral. When you have lost a loved one, until the grieving process is over and even beyond that, I don't think there is much that can be said to make you feel better but people just don't know what to say so they say whatever comes to mind that sounds comforting to them at the time.

Also, if you are having an off day, anything that is said could be taken the wrong way. Your husband could say Honey, you are beautiful and it makes you feel like you could just rip his face off. :) We are just moody like that and just like a quote I saw on an earlier post "Losing weight isn't for sissies" It's a struggle especially if you have 100+ lbs to lose. It's pretty much a given that you are gonna be crabby once in a while. It's also a personal journey because as with other things I have tried to change in life, it has to be done for you, not anybody else. You truly can't please all the people all the time, heck you can't even please all the people some of the time!

We have all come a long way and we should hold our heads high and be proud! Somebody somewhere will always have something to say about you whether it be about your weight, your hair, your clothes, or whatever! Nobody knows what you have been through better than yourself (and of course, God) so be encouraged. You may not be where you want to be but you aren't where you were :)

dragonwoman64
03-13-2010, 11:57 AM
interesting thread.

I didn't have high blood pressure at my highest weight (330lbs), or diabetes (yet), or seriously medical conditions, I did feel terrible physically, mentally, and emotionally and had a hard time walking and doing things. I did have sleep apnea and acid reflux, too.

I've definitely improved my life tremendously by losing the weight that I have, even if I don't exist in a cloud of continuous joyess happiness now, ha. I'm grateful, actually, whenever I get any kind of compliment about feeling better or looks (I actually don't get all that many, probably because I've done it over a period of time rather than, say, a year when it would be really obvious). I also get that weight loss, body image, etc., are very personal topics and it's a territory that should be entered into thoughtfully and with respect (something most people are unable to do gracefully). so yes, intention has to be kept in mind.

I agree that I feel 100% better physically since losing weight but I actually feel worse emotionally. :( Eating was how I coped with stress and I just don't find anything else works as well. I wish I could be thrilled like you and others but I feel like I gave up a lot when I gave up over eating.

Of course I wouldn't say "No I feel worse." to someone who complimented me because I know they are being nice.

I get what you're saying, since I've had these feelings, a sense of loss from letting go of using food to feel better. the truth is it did not serve me well in any way eating to handle stress. and I don't feel like I've completely gotten over doing that too, though I've come a long, long way. I think you have been pretty dang brave giving up that coping technique, and as much as it is a challenge to find another way to handle things, imho you did yourself a big positive and should happy to see that monkey on your back in your rear view mirror.

jessy 49
03-13-2010, 12:56 PM
What do people think would be a nice thing to say to someone who has obviously lost weight? I dislike the "you look so much better" and "I bet you feel so much better" comments too. Therefore I'm always looking for something better to say. What do you think of:

"Wow! You look great today!" or "You must be so proud of yourself!" or "I can see you've been working hard!"

H8cake
03-13-2010, 01:07 PM
I usually head that off by saying it myself, and it is so true in my case. I feel sooooo much better. If I had gotten my act together and lost the weight in my 30's maybe I would have been offended by the "you must feel better" comment. I waited until I was truely suffering from the effects of obesity to finally tackle it, so I have a huge appreciation for how much better I feel.

Part of it is how I was raised though. My mother never wanted me to be vain so she was always taking me down a notch. I was always made to feel bad if I thought too much about my appearance. That sticks with me even now. I'm very quick to point out the health benefits of losing weight for fear someone might think I did it out of vanity. I have to be honest though, and admit that I feel so much better about my looks too. I guess my mom didn't totally succeed on that front ;)

Windchime
03-13-2010, 02:07 PM
I was always made to feel bad if I thought too much about my appearance. That sticks with me even now. I'm very quick to point out the health benefits of losing weight for fear someone might think I did it out of vanity. I have to be honest though, and admit that I feel so much better about my looks too. I guess my mom didn't totally succeed on that front ;)

And I'm glad she didn't! Because honestly? I think that wanting to look better--wear smaller jeans, be fitter, trimmer, cuter--is a perfectly fine reason for wanting to lose weight. Health is also a very important reason, but sometimes in the world (as well as here in 3FC), it seems that health is held up as the truly noble reason for wanting to lose weight, and the improved appearance is just a nice side benefit. That if we want to look better and that's a primary reason,we are somehow vain or shallow. And I don't buy that, not at all.

For me it's kind of the opposite, if I'm being honest. Many of you felt good at your highest weight but I didn't. I felt like crap much of the time, both physically and emotionally. But really, I hated the way I looked. HATED it. Hated the big, stretchy jeans. Hated the pendulous, matronly breasts. Hated the big jiggly thighs and fat sausage fingers. Hated it. So changing that was actually my primary motivation, along with the hope that I would also feel better physically. If I'm being honest, though, I still would have found it worth the journey if the only benefit I got was looking better.

I'm very, very glad to report that my asthma and indigestion have gotten tons better. But the biggest payoff for me is the increased confidence in how my body looks. How I don't have to worry that I am the fattest, biggest girl in the room all the time now. And how I can wear cuter clothes. Maybe that makes me superficial or less noble, but I don't care !!! :D:D:D:D:D:D

kaplods
03-13-2010, 02:27 PM
I think appearance has historically been the primary motivator for weight loss. The problem I have with appearance being the primary motive is that sometimes health isn't a secondary motive - or any motive at all.

When health isn't considered important, but beauty is - it sets up situations in which people are willing to sacrifice health for beauty.

In most of my earlier weight loss attempts, health was my last priority. If someone had offered me a weight loss "cure" that would have shaved 20 years off my life, I probably would have taken it.

It's more common to cite "health" as a motivator in weight loss, but the fragments of "thin at all costs" still linger. It's assumed that fat is always unhealthier than any weight loss - so extreme weight loss methods - no matter how dangerous - are perceived as being healthier and safer than remaining fat or losing the fat more slowly (even when statistics prove otherwise).

In the past, the high risk of death and other severe complication of wls and liposuction did not deter people. "Better off dead," is STILL a common justification for more rapid and less safe methods of weight loss.

For myself, switching my primary motive to health has changed my focus, and has made it (ironically) easier to lose weight. I just wish I'd learned these lessons in my 20's when my metabolism was at it's peak (I still marvel that the calories it now takes to maintain my weight - were allowing me to lose 5 to 7 lbs a week in my 20's. It just doesn't seem theoretically possible for a metabolism to slow THAT much).

It's ok for beauty to be a motivation, even the primary motivation. What I think is not ok is for health to be sacrificed on the alter of beauty. Some of my previous weight loss attempts were insane - no less so than women of the past using dangerous belladonna and lead-based cosmetics (even at the time knowing they were dangerous).

Being beautiful is awesome, but it's meaningless when health and vitality are sacrificed.

rockinrobin
03-13-2010, 03:22 PM
My main reason for weight loss was without a doubt health. I was TERRIFIED that I was going to drop dead from a heart attack. I was certain it was just a matter of "when", not "if". I was also certain that the fatter I was, the more of me there was, the greater my chances of developing many cancers. I also figured that diabetes would eventually pop up.

Then there was my immobility. I could barely walk. I knew it wouldn't have been long till I was totally homebound. Oh G-d, just re-hashing this is getting me quite upset.

I was also frightened that I would have no clothing to wear. I was in the largest sizes at the plus sized stores and only if it were a full cut item.

For me, after being a very "girly-girl" all my life, I am sad to say that at some point I HAD to have lost my vanity. Otherwise I wouldn't have allowed myself to get THAT heavy and look the way that I did.

But luckily - my vanity - it's come back!!!!!!! And now that I've re-captured it - I don't ever want to be without it. I feel so darn feminine, so darn excellent and confident about my no where near perfect looks, LOVE my fantastic wardrobe and that I can wear the cutest clothing - I have no shame in saying that that these reasons (of course ALONG with health) are a HUGE motivator for me keeping the weight off.

dragonwoman64
03-14-2010, 04:07 PM
great post, RR. yes, health is extremely important (I feel that now more that I'm getting older), and I also think it's good to have a healthy sense of pride in one's appearance (part of mental health). I had completely turned off that vanity switch too, as least as far as my body was concerned.

being so much more in touch with how I feel and look physically has it's own challenges. I have to stop myself alot from being hyper critical. I guess I'd say, from my point of view, perspective is key. To be ok with creating the best me, so to speak.

ubergirl
03-14-2010, 10:57 PM
This is an interesting discussion. I was worried about the health care consequences of obesity, but that wasn't enough to make me change my behavior.

I DEFINITELY changed for vanity. I thought my appearance was holding me back professionally.

In fact, my fitness was awful and my blood pressure was creeping up, and I was worried about having a heart attack, and my health really wasn't very good.

But like a lot of people I had trouble being motivated by an abstract concept like "health" ....

Most people find it easier to make big lifestyle changes AFTER the thing they fear, like a heart attack, has already happened-- then, they start to realize that they really have to change.

It's much harder to not eat that bag of chips so that you won't have a heart attack thirty or forty years down the road.

So, I think vanity is a good motivator. When those pants don't fit, that is a concrete situation to deal with.

saef
03-14-2010, 11:12 PM
Windchime is onto something important here, and I think this is also what's behind the compliment: "You must FEEL so much better!"

Health is also a very important reason, but sometimes in the world (as well as here in 3FC), it seems that health is held up as the truly noble reason for wanting to lose weight, and the improved appearance is just a nice side benefit. That if we want to look better and that's a primary reason,we are somehow vain or shallow.

Okay, I am really going to reveal my age here, but my earlier successful (though unhealthy) attempt at weight loss occurred at a time when eating disorders were only gradually becoming part of the general discourse in media & in schools & colleges & in popular women's magazine articles & etc.

Before that time, it seemed, losing weight for the sake of one's appearance was much more acceptable.

After eating disorders entered the picture, weight loss became more scary & doing it the "wrong way" (before then, there really hadn't been a wrong way!!!!!) became an issue. So weight loss had to be allied solidly on the side of improving one's health & to be managed more healthily.

People who say, "You must feel so much better!" are, I think, often trying to be more morally correct & to emphasize this relatively new priority of health over appearance.

This is American society we're talking about -- we do have that puritanical heritage & are concerned with doing virtuous things for the correct reasons, rather than simply for vanity's sake.

(I've looked at weight loss from both sides now: The first time I did it, I was motivated by vanity; the second time, I was genuinely afraid for the direction my health was taking, particularly for looming Type 2 diabetes and Metabolic Syndrome.)

ubergirl
03-14-2010, 11:20 PM
Windchime is onto something important here, and I think this is also what's behind the compliment: "You must FEEL so much better!"



Okay, I am really going to reveal my age here, but my earlier successful (though unhealthy) attempt at weight loss occurred at a time when eating disorders were only gradually becoming part of the general discourse in media & in schools & colleges & in popular women's magazine articles & etc.

Before that time, it seemed, losing weight for the sake of one's appearance was much more acceptable.

After eating disorders entered the picture, weight loss became more scary & doing it the "wrong way" (before then, there really hadn't been a wrong way!!!!!) became an issue. So weight loss had to be allied solidly on the side of improving one's health & to be managed more healthily.

People who say, "You must feel so much better!" are, I think, often trying to be more morally correct & to emphasize this relatively new priority of health over appearance.

This is American society we're talking about -- we do have that puritanical heritage & are concerned with doing virtuous things for the correct reasons, rather than simply for vanity's sake.

(I've looked at weight loss from both sides now: The first time I did it, I was motivated by vanity; the second time, I was genuinely afraid for the direction my health was taking, particularly for looming Type 2 diabetes and Metabolic Syndrome.)

So perceptive, Saef. Whenever I hear my daughters make a weight/body shape/vanity comment I FREAK and immediately discuss eating/weight/body image issues...

And the whole vanity issue was a very BAD thing for me originally. I wanted to fight against my natural body type in order to reach some ideal body size shape that I thought would make me more beautiful/acceptable/desireable/loveable...

I'm older now and so the issue plays out differently for me now.

rockinrobin
03-15-2010, 10:30 AM
When I hear or even think "FEEL" so much better - I don't necessarily take it to be solely health-wise. No, definitely not. Because part of "FEELING" so much better, part of FEELING good - IS indeed MENTAL.

So yes, I feel loads better PHYSICALLY - but gosh I can't even begin to tell you how much better I FEEL - MENTALLY.

I've said it many times - I knew it would be/FEEL great to be slim - but I hadn't a clue it would feel THIS marvelous.

Shmead
03-15-2010, 11:45 AM
After eating disorders entered the picture, weight loss became more scary & doing it the "wrong way" (before then, there really hadn't been a wrong way!!!!!) became an issue. So weight loss had to be allied solidly on the side of improving one's health & to be managed more healthily.

People who say, "You must feel so much better!" are, I think, often trying to be more morally correct & to emphasize this relatively new priority of health over appearance.



This growing sense that weight is more about health than vanity has also opened the door to a new sort of passive-aggressive cattiness, however: people who would never say "I can't believe what a fat slob so-and-so is. How can she stand herself?" feel perfectly comfortable saying "I am so worried about so-and-so. If she doesn't do something about her weight, she's going to face some serious health challenges". Now, when my mom says she worries about my health, I believe it, but when it's people at work talking about someone who isn't there, I really think the sub-text is "fat slob, omg!"