08-28-2002, 10:10 AM
Topic: The more Scotch you drink the funnier you are :halffull: or the funnier you are the more Scotch you drink?:halfempty Discuss...
Alternachicks - Scotch and humour
View Full Version : Scotch and humour
08-28-2002, 10:10 AM
Topic: The more Scotch you drink the funnier you are :halffull: or the funnier you are the more Scotch you drink?:halfempty Discuss...
08-28-2002, 02:26 PM
Both are true for me. Just don't give me a third brandy or I will be down on the floor communicating with the dogs!
Here's a clip I picked up snooping elsewhere.....
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline!)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for awhile became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
AND, IF THIS IS NOT FUNNY TO YOU, DRINK MORE SCOTCH!
08-28-2002, 03:35 PM
Thank you. I have to dry the tears of laughter off my keyboard before it short curcuits!
08-28-2002, 06:56 PM
:lol: I can't believe that:lol: Sorry, but if that happened to me I probably would have had to satisfy my gory yet insatiable curiousity and pulled my hand away from my head to look at it!
:lol: oooh! aah! ribs hurting :lol: We weep for this woman but our tears are from laughter (in best SNL Hanz and Franz Austrian accent)
08-28-2002, 09:40 PM
By the way Mauvais.....I am NOT a MARMITE JUNKIE!!! I CAN QUIT ANY TIME I WANT TO!!! I just don't see the point since it is so healthy and wonderful, and maybe I'll just try to cut back a bit first.......
08-28-2002, 10:16 PM
Well I think I am funnier when I drink Scotch:dizzy: or mabe I just look funny:joker:
08-29-2002, 02:55 PM
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said" Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
08-31-2002, 12:37 AM
There's a moth in here the size of an effing bird. Ruth, could you come and get it out of my house before it becomes entangled in my tangled tresses.
Oh my gosh... I just read the posts... THAT'S HILARIOUS!!!! Both of them...
gotta get upstairs before this friggin' moth eats me...
09-01-2002, 11:34 AM
A guy walked into a fancy bar, several floors up in a posh hotel. He saw at one end of the bar a man down a shot of tequila and then get up from his seat and leap out of the window. Shaken, the first guy went to the window and looked out, but there was no sign of trouble at all.
While he puzzled over this, the tequila drinker walked in through the front door of the bar, took his seat, and ordered another. The bartender served him, and again he downed it in a gulp and leapt out the window to what should have been a certain death. Again there was no sign of him, and again he walked in through the front door of the bar a few minutes later and started to repeat the pattern.
The first guy was baffled, so he approached the tequila drinker and said, "Excuse me, but I just saw you leap out of the window after taking a shot of tequila, not once but twice, and you didn't die! What is going on!?"
"Well," smiled the tequila drinker, "this is a very *special* tequila, and when I drink it, it fills me with a warm glow and a kind of buoyancy, so I alight gently upon the ground with no trouble at all."
The first guy was amazed and agreed that he must try this, so he ordered the same kind of tequila, gulped down the shot, leapt out of the window, and fell immediately to his death.
The bartender, who had been observing the whole scene, looked balefully at the second man and said, "You sure can be an a$$hole when you're drunk, Superman."
09-02-2002, 09:26 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol:
09-02-2002, 10:00 PM
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank cheque to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit.
I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. "So...I switched the heads"
09-03-2002, 09:36 AM
Oh Ellis that is gross!
But very funny! I am not a scotch drinker, but was being nosey. Now I will just come for the jokes!
09-03-2002, 12:53 PM
I'm passing that one on to my pal David Scotland who runs the funeral home in Elgin. It could save him a lot of trouble. ROFLOLPIMP!
09-06-2002, 07:22 AM
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She soon married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this
time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to
the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman
who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally
Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked,
"Do you think he means her first, second or third
The neighbor replied, "I think he means her legs."
09-06-2002, 08:46 AM
Ya nut! HArry wants to know why I am cracked up!
09-06-2002, 09:16 PM
I'd die too if i'd had that many kids!!!!
09-08-2002, 04:45 PM
I think you would die from birthing that many kids:lol:
09-08-2002, 04:59 PM
NO KIDDING!!!!! AND IF I DIDN'T I'D PROBABLY KILL MYSELF!!!!!
09-09-2002, 09:18 PM
Hey Den, how much does Marmite go for where you are? Just curious, maybe we will send you a care package from the Great White North someday...Marmite, Timmy's coffee, Maple Boston donuts, buttertarts...:devil:
09-09-2002, 11:45 PM
You know, I'm not sure!!! I know it is a lot though (like whenever i have considered it I decide not to.) I usually ask my Mom to get it on her yearly trips. I actually have a Tim Horton's withinwalking distance (HAHAHA!!! I GET IN THE AIR CONDITIONED CAR AND DRIVE THERE ANYWAY!!!) I still don't know what buttertarts are!!! You have MacIntosh toffee, which I love, and CHOICE for Cadbury!!! We only have Cadbury bars (Milk Chocolate, Almond, Fruit and Nut, and Caramello) I want the Aero bars and....I can't remember the names!!! My Mom brought back an assortment of mini bars "for the kids".....and since I'm in my second childhood...............
09-10-2002, 12:31 PM
Someone sent me an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to
finish things you've started. It is definitely working for me. I am now
making a point of always finishing what I start and I think I am well on my
way toward finding inner peace.
Because I care for you, I am passing this wisdom on to you.
Here are the things that I have finished today:
- Two bags of potato chips
- A strawberry cheesecake
- A package of Oreos
- A bottle of wine
- And a small box of chocolates
I think this really works because I feel better already!!!
09-10-2002, 12:44 PM
Although the advice really seems to be true... I have a long list of unfinished things to take care of that are monkeys on my back. However, I will take the food items off of my list! :p
09-15-2002, 11:03 PM
A young Greek/Italian/whatever-you-like man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that
he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring
over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother
agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma,
guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The mother replies "I don't like her."
09-15-2002, 11:04 PM
:lol: Nice one Ellis!
09-15-2002, 11:12 PM
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and
washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him,
so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he
would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: "Madam, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his bum was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 (American) .. .please advise" The old woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
09-15-2002, 11:33 PM
09-16-2002, 11:43 AM
Someone was talking about what a great sense of humor Ronald Regan had before Alzheimers.
It seems that he and Nancy were invited to ride in a parade in England with Queen Elizabeth. One of the beautiful show horses pulling their carriage raised his tail relieving himself of gas and the Queen was so horrified and she said, Ohhhh please excuse that, you never know when it will happen.
President Reagan didn't miss a beat saying, "Ohhh that's okay, we thought it was the horse!!!" Supposedly a true story.
09-17-2002, 11:15 PM
Eggs: When something starts pecking its way out of
the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
Dairy Products: Milk is spoiled when it looks like
yogurt. _Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like
cottage cheese. _Cottage cheese is spoiled when it
starts to look like regular cheese. _Regular cheese is
nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any
more spoiled than it already is.
Meat: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray
animals from a three block radius to congregate
outside your kitchen door, the meat is spoiled.
Lettuce: Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it
off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without
Carrots: A carrot that you can tie in a clove hitch is
not fresh. (Also, if the carrots have turned to liquid
in the original bag, do NOT attempt to drink as carrot
Potatoes: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches
or dense leafy undergrowth.
Canned Goods: Any canned good that has become the
shape or size of a basketball should be disposed of
Mayonnaise: If it makes you violently ill after you eat
it, mayonnaise is spoiled.
Wine: It should not taste like salad dressing.
Chip Dip: If you can take it out of its container and
bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
General Rule of Thumb: Most food cannot be kept
longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep
a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this. (Note:
Do NOT keep the hamster in the refrigerator after
HE has expired. And be sure to check on said
09-20-2002, 01:23 PM
Ok this is really stupid but it made me laugh.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out and grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap........ and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed !! Everything had been SO incredible !!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies ....................
Wait for it It's coming. The suspense is killing
you, isn't it ?
"You just happened to catch my eye."
09-20-2002, 01:33 PM
09-20-2002, 09:17 PM
Arrrrrrrrgh! That was terrible...but I laughed anyway:o
09-21-2002, 12:18 AM
SQUEAK!!! THAT WAS GREAT!! I MEAN TERRIBLE!! I MEAN GREAT!!!!
09-21-2002, 02:31 AM
Girls, haven't been in here for awhile but stopped in and LOVE all of your jokes. One of my dear friends has a glass eye and I'm going to tell her Squeak's joke...She has a great sense of humor...used to say she should go into a diner and say, "I'd give my left eye for a good cup of coffee..." then pop it out!
One time she was rinsing her eye and dropped it down the drain...she had to call maintenance at her apartment complex to fetch it out of the trap! Can you imagine that telephone call...uh, hello, um, I dropped my eye down the drain and I was wondering.....
09-25-2002, 09:52 PM
A man walks into a Doctors office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me Doc?" he asked.
"You're not eating properly!" replied the Doctor.
Okay, I want to know where Mauvais and Ruth are. Huh? Ruth is getting her wrist done this Friday, and Mauvais should be feeling pretty peppy post-squashed breasts. Except we have to find her a new job.
Girls.... where are you?
09-27-2002, 11:06 PM
Yeah, I'm still here:rolleyes:
I applied on-line to the government secretarial/admin/clerk inventory recently so hopefully they will contact me about writing the test. I have two people looking out for me right now too.
I have been really busy at work this week :stress: and that combined with worrying and not sleeping well :tired: has done me in :yawn:
Sooze-that thing about the eyeball :lol:
09-29-2002, 11:15 AM
If a centipede a pint
And a velocipede a quart,
How much would a precipice?
Sorry - it was the first one that came to mind. I have others, much worse, mostly from Dad!
09-29-2002, 05:29 PM
gawd help us
Okay...let's hear the others....
09-30-2002, 11:03 PM
10-01-2002, 05:31 AM
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and
sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in different colours; green,
red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared at him. The young man turned to him and said sarcastically, "What's the matter Old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and shagged a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
10-01-2002, 05:41 PM
:lol: I love it.
10-01-2002, 05:44 PM
ME TOO!!! AND DS #1 ALLOWED AS HOW IT IS "KINDA AMUSING" MAJOR VICTORY THERE!!!
10-01-2002, 06:35 PM
That WAS pretty funny, heh heh.
Listen, does anyone know how to get rid of mice? I've got poison down, and we've caught 6 in traps, but there are two very clever mice that live in my kitchen...
10-01-2002, 06:38 PM
We've had a few invaders in our kitchen... put peanut butter in the mouse traps. I swear they can smell that stuff from a mile away. Guaranteed to work everytime. :mouse:
10-01-2002, 06:43 PM
Okay, I'll just scrape the 1/8 tsp out of the bottom of the jar... :lol:
Thanks, Sojo... someone else suggested that a while ago and I forgot about it. I'll get my husband on it right away. (poor little things... they're so cute...)
10-01-2002, 07:30 PM
Cute in pictures...not in the kitchen! Ellis, just tell them to go away...and take the crickets with them!
Hey! how about a cat?
10-01-2002, 07:43 PM
No thank you. Hairballs. cough.
Crickets? Crickets are good luck! How about racoons? Have you ever heard racoons screaming at each other at 3 in the morning in a tree outside your bedroom window?
10-01-2002, 11:10 PM
I admit I feel sorry for the little :mouse:... however... once they are in my food supply it becomes SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST! No remorse here... however they may live happily in my yard and garden and I have no problems. But stay out of my kitchen please!
10-01-2002, 11:31 PM
YES!! CATS!! The only problem is they love you so much they tend to leave the little trophies as gifts in your slippers (that has happened to me TWICE...and I found out the hard way both times!!)
10-02-2002, 04:49 AM
My parents have a darling indoor cat. They live in the country beside a farm, and at this time of year they get RATS coming into the house! Blah!
They've been putting poison down (away from the cat), but the other day the cat caught a mouse, and my parents had to frantically shake him to make him let go of the mouse (afraid it might have eaten poison)
Den, my mom is the one who ALWAYS finds the dead mice/rats. She'll see something on the floor, and not having her glasses on will think, "oh my, what's that?" and will pick it up.
10-08-2002, 12:56 PM
Ok so this amused me a great deal. Love ya all you Canadian chickies :) (and all the rest of you too)
Letterman's Top Ten Canadian Euphemisms For Sex
10. Playing mountie
9. Fur trapping
8. Making Peg whinny
7. Entering parliament
6. Pulling the goalie
5. Doin' it, eh?
4. Putting the "man" in Manitoba
3. High sticking
2. Stuffing a beaver
1. Oh, Oh, Oh Canada
10-08-2002, 01:10 PM
Gotta love Dave!
10-09-2002, 11:31 PM
:lol: Thanks Squeak! Although I think Dave forgot "Dunking the doughnut" ;)
10-09-2002, 11:52 PM
If you know the Bible--even a little--you'll find this hilarious!
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testament. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in):
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Mosed led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, " a man doth not live by sweat alone."
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the opposums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Out of the mouths of babes:lol:
10-14-2002, 10:00 AM
Loved those Mauvais. My favorites were numbers 3,4, 12, 20 and 23. By the way, what is Marmite?
10-14-2002, 01:46 PM
oh my gosh... another marmite-naive.
good, mauvais! :lol:
10-14-2002, 02:56 PM
Serving Size : 12
-------- ------------ --------------------------------
12 Parakeets *
6 Thin slices of lean beef, 4
4 Rashers of bacon, 3
3 Hard-boiled eggs
1/2 ts Finely chopped parsley
1/4 ts Dried parsley
Finely grated lemon peel
Salt & pepper
* Parakeets are a small, long-tailed tropical parrot.
Method: Prepare the birds, and truss them like a quail
or any other small bird. Line a pie-dish with the
beef, over it place 6 of the paraquets, intersperse
slices of egg, parsley and lemon-rind, dredge lightly
with flour, and season with salt and pepper. Cover
with the bacon cut into strips, lay the rest of the
birds on the top, intersperse slices of egg, season
with salt and pepper, and sprinkle with parsley and
lemon-rind as before; three-quarter fill the dish with
cold water, cover with puff-paste, and bake in a quick
Time: About 2-1/2 hours. SUFFICIENT for about 12
From Mrs. Beeton's All About Cookery, Ward, Lock &
Co., Limited, date unknown.
10-14-2002, 09:18 PM
Ellis-WOW!!!! Is THAT what you made for Thanksgiving?!:D
MorningGlory-Marmite is a british term for "ambrosia." It is a yeast extract that looks like tar but tastes fantastic!!! It is full of vitamins, is low fat and low in calories. It is WONDERFUL spread on bread with a bit of butter and some lettuce or cucumber. It is also good on toast (or toasted english muffins) for breakfast. You can even season soups or stews with it!!!!
Certain infidels on this site will tell you it is hideous.....DON'T BELIEVE THEM!!!!
Mauvais-Kids are pretty funny, aren't they?
10-14-2002, 09:27 PM
Dentrassi is lying! Marmite is a british term for BLECH! :p
10-15-2002, 07:12 AM
Den, I couldn't find any parakeets, so I substituted pigeons. Got out my trusty little sling-shot...
Morning glory, you will be fooled by Dentrassi's description of Marmite as being "low-fat" and "fantastic!". It SOUNDS good, but take note of the "looks like tar" bit. I assure you, there is no better description of the taste of Marmite than "tar". :D
10-15-2002, 08:27 PM
Ruthxxx and Ellis, thought you might get a laugh out of this...
THINGS DOGS MUST TRY TO REMEMBER:
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff even though I haven't had a chance to rip the bag to shreds to see what was in it.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining peices of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up or have an accident.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not chew on my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons and pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
I will not take whatever I please and hid it under the bed so my people can have a scavenger hunt looking for it.
When in the car I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it is raining outside.
The sofa is not a face towel, neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refridgerator.
I will not stand around Mom when she is cooking or when she is carrying her coffee, so she won't trip over me.
I will not beg for food at the supper table, and especially not eat someone's food if they leave it for just amoment.
I will not chase the cat and knock over breakable things in the process.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on tv.
10-15-2002, 08:33 PM
:lol: Thank you, Mauvais. I was in desparate need of something light.
10-15-2002, 10:52 PM
You're welcome Ellis, WOOF! :dizzy:
10-17-2002, 08:17 AM
Marmite, yummy spread or horrible tar? I guess I will have to taste it for myself to see.
I loved the things dog's need to remember. Sounds so much like my dog. I suppose that is why it is funny. When we used to away more than we are now, our dog was alone for quite a while. We would come home and find that she had dragged an item belonging to each of us (be it a sock, or shoe, or something more personal) and placed them in a pile. She would lie near them. I think it must have comforted her. I am glad that she doesn't have to do that now.
Thanks for the very amusing thread.
10-17-2002, 12:39 PM
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push."Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself. The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark,"Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer."Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
10-17-2002, 12:51 PM
Morningglory-Being completely honest, marmite is an acquired taste. The ONLY person I know who likes it even though he didn't grow up with it is my Dad. I love the stuff, and like to tease all those here who hate it!!!! Attention Mauvais, Ellis and Ruth!!!
10-17-2002, 07:28 PM
And a big Virtual Raspberry :p to you Den!
10-21-2002, 07:48 AM
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this idle chat. Gotta go home and have sex with the cat."
10-21-2002, 07:55 AM
That was so funny!!! I wish I were good at telling of the jokes, but I will have to be content just reading the witty posts of the true:joker: 's. Keep up the good work.
10-21-2002, 08:01 AM
Kat, that is hilarious!! :lol: Thank you, I needed that. We couldn't find any mouse traps when we did the shopping, so DH reluctantly picked up some of those "sticky traps". I came down this morning and there was a mouse struggling to get free from one in the middle of the kitchen floor. I made DH dispose of it, and he was disgusted at the horrible consequences of those traps. He's going to search for some snap traps today.
10-21-2002, 08:09 AM
Thanks for this thread everyone! Just been laughing my way through it!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Dentrassi-It sounds like we are in a minority, but I'm with you on the marmite, love it on toast ;)
10-21-2002, 08:40 AM
Ohhh, the poor little mousie! Better to snap it's neck, I say!
10-21-2002, 09:08 AM
What a fun thread! When I go for my next wrist operation, I need a joke for the doc. Told him the undertaker one last time and he roared. Right now I am thinking of the mouse one but it might be a bit risque for the OR. (He wants me to tell him a joke to keep my mind off what they are doing to get my wrist ready for the operation.)
10-23-2002, 09:14 AM
Kat-THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!!!!!!
Jinxii-Glad to see someone else with GOOD TASTE on this board!!!!!!!
10-23-2002, 01:48 PM
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best...Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end." BUT...the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong ... Politicians are the easiest to operate on... There's no guts, no heart, and no spine...
and...the head and *** are interchangeable."
10-23-2002, 02:39 PM
good one Squeak! :lol:
I am not allowed to tell this one at work:
Q. Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A. Law School!
ok, corny, but I still laughed...maybe it's only really funny if you are a legal secretary:shrug:
10-23-2002, 05:08 PM
Yeah, good one, squeak. :lol:
Mauvais, these are for you...
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
10-23-2002, 11:26 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol: good ones Ellis! I will have to tell them to the other girls at work, when the bosses are out of hearing range;)
10-25-2002, 10:42 AM
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work" the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!", the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves for me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she
got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her
standing naked by the door.
"What in the world are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing...What's for supper?"
10-25-2002, 10:49 AM
Kat, I sent that one to a friend last week. She accidentally forwarded it to the mayor of Ottawa!! hahahahahahahahaha!
10-25-2002, 10:52 AM
(I'll bet he laughed too!)
10-25-2002, 11:22 AM
Gee, I'm not sure what is funnier, the joke or your friend e-mailing it to the mayor of Ottawa!
:lol: ROFLMAO :lol:
10-26-2002, 05:33 AM
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of
*****es who want off, get the **** off now ... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We do NOT use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a nice one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just
boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."
10-26-2002, 05:50 AM
Love it, Kat. :lol:
10-26-2002, 05:52 AM
You're up early too, ellis...I figured I'd get a jump on laundry and housework and here I am! Oh well, at least the coffee's made.
10-26-2002, 07:55 AM
Huh! Getting up early is the only way for me to get time to myself! ;)
We were supposed to go to the cottage today, but the weather is miserable. Light rain/wet snow. I have no desire to be killed on the highway. Besides, I figured that at this time of year at the cottage, we'd either be killed by the Blair Witch or a hunter.
And yes... coffee... must have more coffee...
10-27-2002, 10:10 PM
Ellis-you could have filmed the sequel "Blairchick Project" :lol:
10-28-2002, 07:28 AM
Oh yes, Mauvais. The setting up there is perfect. shudder.
10-28-2002, 08:05 AM
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
10-28-2002, 11:38 AM
A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?" He says, "****, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off anyway."
10-28-2002, 12:40 PM
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how
important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks
into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you
down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a
room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first
three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hardbodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."
11-10-2002, 02:31 PM
I resurrected the thread so that I could post this little gem...I thought you would get a kick out of it!
This is an actual extract from a sex education school textbook for girls, printed in the early 60's in the UK:
"When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers, wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.
When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows, and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your husband's wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then agree humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches his
moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had. Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and restore your night-time face and hair care products. You may
then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes."
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
11-10-2002, 03:26 PM
That was too much!!! Love it Kat!
11-10-2002, 04:02 PM
Oh my how times have changed! THANK GOD! I don't think so, not even on a good day. Thanks Kat!
11-10-2002, 04:05 PM
What's so damned funny about that? I have always operated that way - ask any of my husbands.
It's sort of "lie back and think of England" or of Marmite! Actually I used to count the little holes in the ceiling tiles before I gave my little moan.
Thanks for the memories, Kat! :lol:
11-10-2002, 05:03 PM
Oh gawd... that's too funny, Kat... thank you. :lol:
11-10-2002, 10:04 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Thanks Kat! I needed a laugh!!
You got it right Ruth!!!! Lie back and think of England!! (Marmite is too overtly sexual. :D )
The only thing worse? Asking, "Feeling better?" afterwards!!!
11-14-2002, 09:45 PM
Sorry... these are bad, but I'm bored don't you know...
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop,"it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to relieve himself.."
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".
11-14-2002, 09:46 PM
Those are awful but really really funny :lol:
11-14-2002, 09:48 PM
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to
the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?" "Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox. "Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."
11-14-2002, 09:49 PM
I like that one even more! :lol::lol::lol:
11-14-2002, 09:54 PM
The Following Were Actually Taken >From Classified Ads In Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED.. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
PARACHUTE FOR SALE NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything
11-14-2002, 11:47 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Thanks Ellis!! I needed a good laugh!!!
11-15-2002, 01:48 AM
Still laughing...thanks, ellis!
11-15-2002, 07:59 AM
This is really bad, but cute...
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Lets fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"O K," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen
asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought . . .
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS.'
11-15-2002, 08:03 AM
cute, squeak :lol:
11-15-2002, 05:02 PM
(gasping for air)
11-15-2002, 06:59 PM
Groan! I am going to have a hard time picking one to tell to that damned surgeon on the 27th! Thanks, Chickies.
11-16-2002, 08:42 PM
Okay, here are a couple of jokes that my (almost) 16 year old son told me....
How is a Texas twister like a Tennessee divorce?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!!
What is the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?
The location of the dirtbag.
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