[Wannabenormal]

Hi everyone!
Well I had a heart to heart talk with myself this morning.... My commute is 100 miles to work, so I have a lot of time with my thoughts. So I just started talking to myself as if a duplicate of my self was sitting in the passenger seat. Well, as odd and weird as that might sound, I found it helpful. If I try to talk to my husband --- it only ends up with more stress about my weight. I can't seem to get it across that it's not just putting the fork down and will power.... it's deeper than that. Intellectually I KNOW what needs to be done and how to do it... it's a deeper more primitive thing going on. The closest I got to was anger... but drilling it down more I discovered anger was covering FEAR. I suppose digging deeper still will reveal more, but when I spoke aloud in the car to myself, "Then what you're saying is it's fear is what keeps you behind this thick wall of fat." I had to pause, and think, "Ya know, I never thought of it as fear, just anger.
I've looked hard and long at what has kept me so overweight for so many years..... and before when I lost so much weight (98 pounds) I saw how once the layers of fat were gone, the attention and the propositions (entirely unwanted - most of the time!) from men of all kinds and descriptions confirmed in my mind that THIS was totally unfair! It didn't matter to them whether or not I had any intelligence, or wit ---just that I "LOOKED" a certain way --- and was now receptive to any and all advances. WOW! It's no wonder I was outraged and so afraid. So being "normal-size" means you're now a target to unwanted advances --- but at the same time I was being outraged, I was seeing this kind of perverted POWER in my hands --- I could simply smile, give a tiny bit of encouragement and get what I wanted..... HOW SICK IS THAT? That made me feel like a terrible person -- not someone I wanted to be. And so.... I made sure I didn't have to experience that person again ---- the weight came back (plus some for good measure) and that power mad "monster" was put to sleep. The thing that keeps coming to mind -- the book/movie "Confessions of a She-Devil. That is a distorted image of SELF.
But this fear diguised as anger --- might be a key to the door I need to go through. Apparently there are a lot of doors that are kinda open but I've been too afraid to open and explore -- mostly because I think I would not like what I found there. I called for the free therapy sessions -- I get 5 at no charge --- Thinking I gotta get me some help and quick! LOL! I know there's something deep in my heart -- fear masquerading as anger and a whole host of other equally disabling emotions ---
What lead me to post this rant.... was I read others with the same anger thread weaving itself in posts particularily the ones I read and said, "hey that's me!"
Fear is a truly powerful thing -- especially when I've allowed it to take on such magnitude --- it's like a massive avalanche of fat that has buried my hopes, dreams, and potential. My key is to tame that She-Devil!

[newleaf123]

I'm glad you posted this; I was wondering how you were doing today. It sounds like you are headed in a good direction. I wish you all the best!

[lambchop]

glad you can analyze things like this...the devil is in the details...and figuring those out

[weightlosswanted]

Hey wannabe! I had a counselor who pointed out that anger isn't a true emotion, she said the root of anger lies in 2 other emotions - hurt or fear. So the question to ask is, "What am I afraid of? " or "What's causing/caused me to hurt enough to make me react w/ anger?" Just thought I would pass that along...great job on doing some soul searching, you're definitely on the right track! And major kudos for reaching out for some help, those 5 free sessions were a life saver for me a couple of years ago : )

I am just going to throw this out, only to be helpful. Not saying it is correct in ANY particular case but just something to consider. There is more and more evidence in psychology and the real world that VERY positive outcomes can happen for a lot of people by really focusing on behavior.

In some ways doing the exact opposite of what you are considering. In other words FOCUS on changes to behavior. Eat less, eat better, eat smaller portions, exercise more, some weight training, etc. The proven keys to weight loss.

A lot of people as I said had very positive outcomes by not going over their childhood or family or friends or stresses or anything like that. They focused on changing their behavior. Again I would NEVER say that it would work for everyone. And I would never say the 'deeper reason' stuff isn't important for a lot of people. But here is the key to the research, the deeper stuff does NOT HAVE to be important. A lot of popular media says it is always important but plenty of people have had a lot of success just focusing on changing behavoir patterns. And the cool thing is once that is sucessful it just keeps building upon itself. It can also make a lot of people not feel 'trapped' anymore. It is quite liberating (at least to me it was) to say you know what? I may never resolve some things and I certainly can't change the past or even totally control the present or future, but it just doesn't matter. I can and I will change my behavior I CAN control that no matter what the past was or wasn't or the present is or isn't.

I am one of those people that it really does seem to work for. It is a nice tight focus and it puts my energy mental and otherwise really where its needed; changing my behavior. Just something to consider.

But each person is different. However it is an option to try to make eating and exercise about eating and exercise. Was the best approach for me (my high weight was 340) but I understand not for everyone.

[Wannabenormal]

It's true that mucking constantly in the past does nothing useful but keep you mired in the past --- whatever happened, did happen and one either handled it well or handled it badly and you live with the results.

And it's true that we all have different ways of approaching the battle of the bulge -- living in the right now, right here and going moment by moment for some does work and I can manage that for about 2 or 3 months... and then at some point I look and see --- great you've lost 20-30 pounds --- only 270 to go! and that 20-30 loss is diminished to a droplet of water in an vast ocean! Apparently THAT is my mind doing a number on me! THAT is coming from somewhere. The past? I need to discover where that sabotage is coming from. I hope as I get into my counseling I'll hit upon what the answer is.

Here, reading and posting thoughts has been very good -- I see a variety of thoughts and suggestions and some resonate, others don't but ALL are read with consideration. Unlike some verbal exchanges -- where it is black or white and nothing inbetween. ::::::::::SIGH::::::::::::

I would need to