100 lb. Club - Wow! That was harsh... Even for my sister.




Kae
02-22-2010, 11:58 AM
My sister... (I love her and she's one of my best friends)... but sometimes she says something so beyond insulting to me in such a casual way that it shocks me.

This weekend I was sitting on the couch and she came and sat down on my legs and started pinching me. First I think she was doing it jokingly but then I told her to stop. She says something about how it's not her fault that she could pinch me because I have loose skin. I was like, "Loose skin?! First you insult my boobs yesterday and today I have LOOSE SKIN?!" Her response, "It wasn't yesterday. It was two days ago... And, I was joking. It's not like I told you that your boobs look like two tube socks filled with nickels."

Umm... OUCH. WOW. SHOCK.

That came so out of left field... It's not like I insulted her first and gave her a reason to be so mean to me. And the fact that she can so casually say things so hurtful and not understand why I am upset just baffled me! And trying to play it all off as a joke... give me a break!

I suppose I shouldn't be terribly shocked. She has always had a tendancy to insult my body and show no remorse over it.

Ugh, I know I shouldn't let her get to me but it really bothers me. First off, I am still too fat to have much loose skin at this point. I am sure it will get worse but I don't want to think about it until I get there. So really, can't she save the insults on that one for a few more months?? And the chest comments... I am very busty and therefore naturally not as perky and that alone makes me insecure so I really didn't need more insults there. Furthermore, this really doesn't help my situation. As it is, the idea of ever dating a man again and having him see me naked is beyond horrifying to me. If my sister of all people can notice all the things wrong with me and have no problem pointing them out, how can a guy not be revolted by the way I look? I know I am... And how can I ever even be brave enough to put myself out there and into that situation again? Ugh...

What a mess.. this surely didn't help anything. I have been struggling with staying on track and going up and down the same 8 pounds since Xmas...


Trazey34
02-22-2010, 12:04 PM
erggh!! family, huh?? You say/do things to family memebers you would never DREAM of saying to a friend OR a stranger for that matter!!!

I can't offer any words of wisdom, I'd take a "shove her on the floor and pound her" approach hahahah just kidding (kinda) but I can offer something on the man comment!!! if a guy is into YOU, and wants YOU, he won't notice or may notice but won't care, about the wobbly bits - he'll just be excited to have a real live girl to be naughty with :D

crcossel
02-22-2010, 12:07 PM
Wow, that is crazy. I think its time for a heart to heart. And if she then refuses to understand why its not funny and not supportive....time to not hang out with her as much.


bargoo
02-22-2010, 12:24 PM
Your sister is being very cruel and you need to tell her how much she hurts you with her unkind remarks. Many people say rude, mean things and try to pass them off as a joke. I think she is doing this, saying she is joking when she is being intentionally cruel and mean.

Kae
02-22-2010, 12:35 PM
I can't offer any words of wisdom, I'd take a "shove her on the floor and pound her" approach hahahah just kidding (kinda) but I can offer something on the man comment!!! if a guy is into YOU, and wants YOU, he won't notice or may notice but won't care, about the wobbly bits - he'll just be excited to have a real live girl to be naughty with :D

Haha. I like the part about having a live girl to be naughty with. Funny! ;)

Thanks for the kind words...

Kae
02-22-2010, 12:39 PM
Crcossel and Bargoo... thanks for the replies. I appreciate the advice but having a heart to heart with my sister about the weight insults doesn't seem to work. She knows how I feel about it. Heck, the girl has even read what I have said about it in my diary before. (She told me about it later...) She just doesn't get it. Or, just doesn't care...

Nada
02-22-2010, 12:39 PM
There are people who are toxic. Your sister may be one of them. If so, the best thing to do is avoidance if she continues to hurt your feelings after you have talked with her about it.

TJFitnessDiva
02-22-2010, 12:51 PM
I agree with Nada. She is toxic to you and probably avoiding her would be your best option.

My new years resolution last year was to rid my life of toxic people and that included family. I got rid of the friends like that and I only interact with the family members that are like that when we are at family gatherings but I don't go out of my way to include them. It hurt at first since that basically cut out my mom, my sisters and an aunt but I'm not as stressed out as I once was :)

Kae
02-22-2010, 12:54 PM
Unfortunately I live with her... and that's not about to change anytime soon. But I do get what you all are saying about trying to limit my interaction with her.

GirlyGirlSebas
02-22-2010, 12:55 PM
She still saying these kinds of things to you?! Good grief. When is she going to grow up. There are no excuses for her behavior. Tell her to kiss your patootie and walk-on! BTW, we women give far more consideration to our bodies than men do. Trust me. They don't really care about the little stuff that we make mountains out of. They just enjoy the lovin'! ;)

Kae
02-22-2010, 01:05 PM
Thanks so much for responding Rhonda... love hearing from you, as always. I think you are right, next time I should just say, "Kiss it," and walk away. I can't control seeing her everyday or even what she says to me, but I can control how I react to it. And clearly, eating junk food isn't the proper response there.

calluna
02-22-2010, 01:15 PM
Sorry, Kae, but your sister needs to be spanked. Or something. That is some seriously nasty stuff she's doing - how old is she???

bargoo
02-22-2010, 01:16 PM
Unfortunately I live with her... and that's not about to change anytime soon. But I do get what you all are saying about trying to limit my interaction with her.

I would start making plans to change my living arrangements, I doubt if your sister will change, My gosh, she has even brought her friends into this cruelty.
I wouldn't say anything just yet, but start making plans as to how you can bring about a change in living arrangements.

JulieJ08
02-22-2010, 01:24 PM
Um, so what if you did have loose skin? What's that got to do with anyone's "right" to pinch you?

And she is downright cruel. Intentionally. I'm sorry about that. The only thing I can suggest is to remember how unhappy she must be inside.

honeybjones
02-22-2010, 01:28 PM
You would not accept this kind of verbal abuse from a boyfriend and you shouldn't have to accept it from your own family--the very people who are supposed to lift you up and make you feel good about yourself.

Kae
02-22-2010, 02:14 PM
She's 24. :) Some of my examples were from when we were younger... and some more recent. For example the whole watching me change thing probably happened when I was like 11. And the watching me exercise thing was when I was like 13-14ish?

cfmama
02-22-2010, 03:57 PM
Ouch. What a cow!!!!! I probably would have punched her ;) Cause I'm mature like that. lol!

Kae
02-22-2010, 04:09 PM
Ouch. What a cow!!!!! I probably would have punched her ;) Cause I'm mature like that. lol!

LOL. Somehow I was able to hold back. ...But it was a close call for about 30 seconds there.

Mango30
02-22-2010, 07:18 PM
I have a sister just like that, & let me tell you, she used to live at my house but I kicked her out because she was toxic. We used to hang out with the same friends and I just moved on. I can't tell you what to do, but being around people like that, family or not, is just asking to be treated poorly and put down. Stand up for yourself. She only treats you like that because you allow her to. When you let her know its not acceptable, and then push her away both physically and mentally, then and only then will she GET it. Your not the problem, she is, but you have the power to solve the problem.

shasha12
02-22-2010, 08:02 PM
AND she's read your diary?!?!?!?! what a horrible person! why is her self esteem soooo loooooow that she feels the need to pick on you, esp knowing that it upsets you? what a _____! i am so sorry, but i agree with above posters that she is a toxic person. i've had a similar situation with my mom (although not about weight or body issues, thank goodness!), and i tried everything: talking to her, explaining how/why/when it hurt me, asking/begging/pleading with her to stop treating me that way, etc. and ultimately i had to come to this conclusion... my feelings are not important to her. if it were any other way, she would be able to stop treating me badly. I have, therefore, had to limit my contact with her. it has helped tremendously! i'm no longer angry, and i don't feel bad about myself like i used to. :hug: i feel for ya honey, she sounds terrible!

eratosthanes
02-22-2010, 08:49 PM
:( I pinch my bf's lose skin too, I bet it bothers him (didn't think about it) but in my case I just think his little bits of flub (he has lost 70 lbs.) are SOOO cute! He is soft and wonderful to cuddle, and that is just another part of him. I will have to ask if it bothers him very much.

As for your sister, I agree with what everyone else has said. If she cannot/will not understand your position on this, tell her to get some effing better hobbies than putting you down, and go find people who care. Oh, and I also agree that any bf you may have will not care (mine has been with me from 208 to 297 and still loves/is attracted to me), or they need to get a better hobby as well.

dragonwoman64
02-22-2010, 08:54 PM
Yes, I have a sister who .... I'll leave it at "I can relate" ha.

people that close to you know instinctively what kind of comments can get to us the most. who knows why they do it, jealousy, problems with their own self esteem (leveling), a little of both.

hang in there, and remember your much more than just a body.

lovemyboy
02-22-2010, 09:06 PM
I can totally relate to the sister thing. Something I've started doing is saying, "did I hear you correctly? Did you really say or do (whatever the rude thing was)?

Kae
02-23-2010, 11:36 AM
I can totally relate to the sister thing. Something I've started doing is saying, "did I hear you correctly? Did you really say or do (whatever the rude thing was)?

Ha. That's a good idea. I'll have to try that sometime. "I'm sorry. Did you really just say that out loud?! You must be so embarrassed." :)

Kae
02-23-2010, 11:50 AM
So... I didn't intend to talk to my sister about it last night (because I pretty much knew what her response would be) but it happened.

I was lying in bed and got up to get a glass of water from the kitchen. (Wearing just a bra and yoga pants because I was in bed.) My sister was in the kitchen and as I walked by to get a glass she reached over and pinched the top of my boob. Aaah!

I was like, "Seriously. Stop touching me! It is so disrespectful and I don't do it to you." She said, jokingly, "I just do it because I love you so much. If you loved me more you would do it too." I was like, "Well, I must not love you at all then because I would never do that to you or say such hurtful things." So she just says 'whatever' and calls me a crabby b*tch. I was like, "I'm not crabby. I just won't want you pinching me or saying things to me. The other day it was the book comment and then the whole loose skin comment. And for whatever reason you can't seem to grasp why that would even bother me." ...So... She walks away and closes her bedroom door while I am still talking to her. Very mature. It took everything I had not to then storm in her room and yell at her. But what would have been the point? She just seriously doesn't get it and doesn't want to... and isn't it funny how when I said something back she plays it off as me being crabby.

Ugh, my family makes me crazy. I think my weight loss was just getting to her. Both of my sisters are thinner than me (and always have been) and both of them have told me that I can't be thinner than them. Really? I didn't know I didn't have that option. But both of my sisters are kinda heavy right now too. As I had been losing weight, my younger sister had been gaining. And it got to the point where I was 15 lbs higher than her. That was just before Christmas and if I think about it her rudeness has been stronger since then. She gets along better with me when I am off plan... which I have been struggling with since Christmas. Now I am about 17 lbs higher than her... 20 if she's being good that week.

time2lose
02-23-2010, 12:01 PM
Kae originally posted
She's 24. Some of my examples were from when we were younger... and some more recent. For example the whole watching me change thing probably happened when I was like 11. And the watching me exercise thing was when I was like 13-14ish?

My 2 cents worth -

I don't know how old you are but I would suggest that you let go of the things that happened when you were 11 and 13-14ish. Forgive and forget that time period, just let it go. You were both still children and she was doing childish things. What she is doing now is completely different. You are both adults. It sounds like she is caught in trying to maintain a childish relationship.

I agree with crcossel and bargoo that it is time to talk to her (even if you have talked before). It sounds like you are stuck with her for awhile and on your first post you referred to her as your best friend, so it is worth trying to work out. First, I would treat her like the adult she should be. Explain that she hurts your feelings and, if this continues, it will eventually effect your relationship. You want to move to an adult relationship. Tell her that she is your best friend but won't be if this continues.

If that does not work, I would treat her like the child she is channeling. Don't react to her. If she does not get a reaction, she may quit doing such hurtful things. After the fact, I would be cool to her. Let her see what life will be like if she continues to hurt your relationship. However, above all, don't let her drag you down to her level. If she continues to act like this, the day will probably come when you want to keep her out of your life as much as possible. That would be sad. :(

Hang in there. :hug:

Daimere
02-23-2010, 12:12 PM
I didn't read the rest of the thread, but whatever you do, don't let this get you down! Keep going along and soon you'll be ahead of her. Just try to avoid her

As it is, the idea of ever dating a man again and having him see me naked is beyond horrifying to me
I used to be proud of my loose skin when my fiance confided in me a few weeks after we met that when he first saw my skin on my stomach (that was the most visual place I had), he almost threw up in his mouth (he also admits that I'm the biggest girl he's been with and he's superficial with his women but he's changed now). After some introspection, that's when I noticed I really stopped caring about what I was putting in my mouth. I wound up gaining half my weight back. He's can see I'm not the same person I was when we met and he's told me he doesn't care about the lose skin now. He just wants me to be happy. I don't know if there was any way to prevent a guy not be disgusted. I didn't think I should warn him about it. I was proud of it cause it meant the weight was really coming off. At this point, I really just want to be happy again even if he..or anyone else thinks some loose skin is icky.

salsa chip
02-23-2010, 03:59 PM
My completely useless contribution:

Beat her up and make her feel miserable, then move out and rock the joint like you know you can and hang out with the people who will treat you like the awesome lady you damn well ARE.

(This is why I didn't take up a career in diplomacy; but that's because of my abject lack of tact...not because I don't mean what I say :) )

calluna
02-23-2010, 04:04 PM
Oh, Salsa, that's fabulous!!! :kickbutt:

oodlesofnoodles
02-23-2010, 04:12 PM
WOW. What a b*tch! I agree with everyone else, obviously she doesn't give a crap how you feel, and I bet she's a bit threatened because you're moving up in the world and she's used to you being "below" her you know?

I don't have a sister, but I have a "best friend" that pulls some crap like that. We've known each other since we were 5, and I've always been bigger than her. She gets insecure when she's not the center of attention, and the other day I hung out with her and her friends and ended up being a little social butterfly and she sulked and seemed pissed about that. When we got back to my house I was smiling cos I didn't think I was going to have fun, and said "Dude, I actually had a really good time!!" And the FIRST thing out of her mouth was "well they said you can be edgy and mean" which, I didn't think I was, so I asked what I did and when they said that, and she refused to talk about it. I realized the next morning that she just said it to make me feel bad because she was unhappy that I've been losing more weight and becoming more social, especially with "her friends".

Sorry for the novel, gah. I'm just saying you know how I feel. My advice would be to ignore her rude comments/avoid her. She is toxic, so let her dwell in her own negativity while YOU flourish!

astrophe
02-23-2010, 08:56 PM
So she just says 'whatever' and calls me a crabby b*tch. I was like, "I'm not crabby. I just won't want you pinching me or saying things to me.

Good for you!

Start reclaiming your body space. Don't walk around half undressed around her any more. Don't allow the sitting in your lap or pinching business. Tell her that's inappropriate touching and MEAN it. Be calm, and cool when you do it.

Long term you might make plans to move out, but short term own your space, and don't let her act like a baby. It sounds like she needs/wants you to be larger than her for her self esteem and is commenting/acting like this because she's seeing you change.

And she can call you names all she wants and act like a child -- you keep reacting like an adult.

"I'm not being crabby. I'm setting boundaries and calling you into account when you cross a line. Don't like it? Don't do it."

A.

slimsilhouette2b
02-23-2010, 10:28 PM
Ugh, my family makes me crazy. I think my weight loss was just getting to her. Both of my sisters are thinner than me (and always have been) and both of them have told me that I can't be thinner than them. Really? I didn't know I didn't have that option. But both of my sisters are kinda heavy right now too. As I had been losing weight, my younger sister had been gaining. And it got to the point where I was 15 lbs higher than her. That was just before Christmas and if I think about it her rudeness has been stronger since then. She gets along better with me when I am off plan... which I have been struggling with since Christmas. Now I am about 17 lbs higher than her... 20 if she's being good that week.

This explains everything. Seriously it does. My sister who had always been bigger than me until last year has always been jealous of my ability to stay thin in HS and college. It was almost like she got nicer to me when I started gaining weight. Now that I've lost a lot and she and I are almost exactly the same weight, she's getting competitive again. Granted, she's not ugly to me about it like your sister, but sometimes it gets a little iffy. Like if I have a good loss one week she'll make a comment. Or when I ask if she wants to look through my clothes I'm giving away she'll say something about trying to give her my 'fat clothes' which is NOT what I'm doing but she's always worn a size larger than me because of how we are built. Anyhow....

Yes... family can be cruel because they feel like they'll always be forgiven. Definitely forgive her but you need to have a real heart to heart... not a blow up "talking" to about it.

Couch
02-23-2010, 11:26 PM
Nthing the concept of protecting yourself. She obviously has some identity issues, and gets a lot of her self esteem by comparing herself (favourably) to you.

When she does things like that, try not to give in to the temptation to hurt her back. It's incredibly easy to respond to something like this by being nasty, but that just leads to two hurt people and plays into the same old dynamic. Just put your defenses up, tell her that she hurt you, and leave.

And another answer to this: "I just do it because I love you so much. If you loved me more you would do it too." is "When I love people, I don't do things to them that I know hurt their feelings."

CLCSC145
02-23-2010, 11:47 PM
I swear, every time I see a post about something your sister did or said, I just want to smack some sense into her! I'm so glad you stood up for yourself and I'm sorry her response wasn't satisfying (frankly at this point anything short of falling to her knees and begging forgiveness for her $%^&*# behavior would be unsatisfying from where I stand!).

I hope it helps to know we are ALL on your side! :hug:

Kae
02-25-2010, 10:24 AM
THANKS SO MUCH EVERYONE!!! I was offline for a couple days so I just got the chance to read more responses. It is really great to know that I have this place where I can come and say my piece and know I'm not being judged for it. Other people just don't "get" it.

So, many thanks!!! I'm in a much better place in my head today. I'm feeling clear minded and back on track. :hug:

LisaF
02-25-2010, 11:14 AM
Kae, is there someone your sister thinks is a rude b*tch? Because if so, I would start calling her by that person's name whenever she does something out of line.

My mom agrees that my grandmother (her mom) is incredibly neurotic, and it has only gotten worse as she's gotten older. But sometimes my mom says or does things that sound just like her mother. My brother and I now just say, "Okay, [grandma's name]." It instantly makes my mom take a step back and think about how she's acting, without us having to say anything else.

I don't know if that would work on your sister, but it might be worth a shot. Good luck!

Lisa

Smiling_Sara
02-25-2010, 09:59 PM
:hug: I'm shocked someone who should be really supportive isn't being so.

If you're that close to her, I suggest that you tell her how much that hurt your feelings. Hopefully she will realize how important it is to have ppl who support us on this journey.

JustSharing83
02-26-2010, 05:39 AM
I am sorry your sister hurt your feelings. :(

Family can be so inconsiderate... I just received an e-mail from my dad called "Your lookalike" where he simply said "I think this lady looks just like you" and attached a picture of a woman who appeared to be 300+ pounds and around 45 years old. She wasn't unattractive, but we don't look alike and NO ONE wants to be compared to someone 50+ pounds heavier and 20 years older. I am pretty devastated by it. He's always doing/saying hurtful things though.

Just wanted you to know that you're not alone. :hug:

messycrayola
02-26-2010, 06:22 AM
Justsharing,

I know how it feels = (

My father once bought me an XXXL shirt (which both me and my best friend got into at the same time) because we were in his words 'the same size'. :mad:

And kae, your sister's behaviour of touching you inappropriately sounds quite strange to me, :?: and I wish you the best of luck with it. :hug: Although I think that you've already started to make some positive changes, by the sound of it. :D

wannabesomebody
02-26-2010, 06:29 AM
She said she wants you to pinch her and call her fat so why not grab a chunk of her boob and say, Hey! How's it going pudgy? Or attack something she's insecure about like oh another guy avoiding you at all costs? Then when you're sufficiently mean enough a few times if she doesn't get it ask her how it feels.

I also wouldn't be asked into a diplomacy program :x

starfishkitty
02-26-2010, 08:17 AM
Well, to be honest I think its easier for us to get insulted by family as close as we are to them... sometimes too close! The closer you are, the easier it is to get hurt by an offhand comment they can make.

But, from reading what she said... it seems to me like she just doesn't know how to give a compliment. She may have been teasing you about the loose skin in a backhand way of acknowledging your weight loss. And she did say she wasn't saying that your boobs looked like that.... maybe that's exactly what she meant. Not sure... but I think that's how I would have taken if it had been said to me and (of course) I had analyzed it later for insults.....

But that's just my take on it. :)