100 lb. Club - Dating and Weight-ramble, sorry!




View Full Version : Dating and Weight-ramble, sorry!


jewelrymaker81
02-21-2010, 11:02 PM
This is a weird thought and I hope I word it so it makes sense! So there's this guy (single) at my church and he's pretty cute and really nice. There are about 5 single girls (his age) at my church-me included. Well of course he falls for the one girl who is not interested in him at all! And of course she's beautiful and skinny. Anywho, my grandpa-bless his heart-reminded me that if I'd hurry up and lose this weight, B would probably be interested in me. At this point, the thought of someone who knew me fat, asking me out when I get skinny is absolutely reprehensible. The thought of that situation just really makes me mad for some reason. I expressed this thought to my mom quite a long time ago (she's thin, though struggles to stay that way), and she said, "yeah right. It'll be different when you actually lose the weight." My roommate who is also overweight agrees with me completely. Have any of you (guys or girls) been in a situation like this? Have you gotten to goal and had someone you knew for years all of a sudden be interested in you? Did you hook up with this person or did you say, "Why couldn't we date when I was fat? Screw you!" Now, this guy and I aren't even friends really and he's so wrapped up in this other girl that he pays no attention to anyone else, so he's just an example, but I've had other male friends that I feel like would be interested in me if I were skinny and I just can't imagine letting myself be with someone who couldn't love me the way I was before. I'm nowhere near my goal, so I don't have to worry about this yet, but it just plagues me. I think I'd constantly be afraid that I'd gain a few pounds and he'd dump me. On the other hand, if I "got skinny" and met a new guy, odds are he wouldn't have been interested in "fat me" either, it's just KNOWING it you know? I just can't stand the thought of losing all this weight and having some jerk that I've known for years come up and ask me out like I'm a different person! I know I'm all over the place, but I hope someone can understand what I'm trying to say and has some thoughts on the subject. This is something I've thought of before when I liked a guy and thought, "He'd probably like me if I were skinny. Oh well, he won't get me then! Jerk!" And when I saw Matt's post about meeting up with an old friend who hadn't seen him since he'd lost weight, I thought oh I hope this isn't one of "those situations." Matt - if you read this, I know it's none of my business, and it may not have even been like that, but I do hope (if you're single) that you find someone who loves you for you, thin or not. Not that I think you'll gain your weight back, because I don't, but I'm just sayin'. Am I being completely unrealistic? Everyone deserves to be loved just like they are. Skinny, fat, ugly, pretty. The sad thing is, looks are so important to so many people and it just sucks. I do think guys have it a bit easier because IMO, girls in general aren't as concerned with guys' weight as guys are about girls. I think most guys would date seriously ugly girls as long as they have nice bodies. I just wish I could meet someone now so I'd know he loved me for me. Even though I can't even imagine being with someone at this point. If I hug someone all I can think is, "OMG they must be absolutely disgusted by my fat." I think having a boyfriend right now would make me completely neurotic! The last time I was in a relationship ( about 100 lbs ago, seriously), when my bf would have his arms around me, all I could think of was him touching my fat. And I wasn't even fat! A little thick, but in a good way! Anywho, I better quit. Sorry for all this, it's just on my mind and hey, it didn't cost you anything but time! And it's a good thing, huh? :dizzy:


katybug12
02-21-2010, 11:24 PM
Jewelry-

I have felt this way before.

But also consider this...

You kind of are a different person when you lose weight. For example: I was walking around campus and a lot more guys were checking me out. And then I got pissed. I was thinking its only 13 pounds... why didn't anyone check me out before. But then I remembered, I had gotten ready that morning, I was wearing fitted clothes, and walking with my head held high.(All things I didn't do at my highest weight because I didn't feel pretty). Sometimes its the confidence that makes someone attracted and not the body at all.

I understand your point, but don't let a good guy go by just because maybe you knew him in your past self.

Getting Right
02-21-2010, 11:32 PM
You make alot of valid points but katybug is right. You will become a different person once who get to your goal and that's ok.


jewelrymaker81
02-21-2010, 11:38 PM
Thanks for posting guys. I really want to see what people have to say about this, whether they agree with me or not! I guess it's just a wait and see thing. You don't knwo until you get there.

DisgruntledOne
02-22-2010, 12:11 AM
I think its all situational. If you are talking about maybe someone in high school/college and you see him later and he ask you out. Well it could be that age and maturity has changed him. You can't really fault someone for immaturity in high school/college its part of growing up.
Also people have preferences thats human nature. Not good not bad just human. Whether it be the size of a potential mate or their hair color. If someone falls in love when you are smaller then you gain weight. Chances are they still will love you. I have seen very elderly couples still in love and ya know they don't look anything like they did when you first fell in love but they still love each other.
This may be a contraversial(sp??) subject but I'm gonna say it anyway. I truly believe many of us who have allowed theirselves to become obese and/or above including myself don't love ourselves that is part of how we got this way. And the longer we stay this way not only do we not love ourselves we get to where we don't even like ourselves. So how can we expect others to do what we can't?

eratosthanes
02-22-2010, 12:58 AM
This has been said in other threads, (see living in a fat-shelter) but it can be just as uncomfortable to be admired for the body you have, than for people to (usually in your head, but not always) be disgusted by it. There will almost always be insecurities for women who are/have been heavy, but learning to deal with them is just part of the process. It took me getting back to nearly 300 lbs. to realize I was perfectly okay at 208. I would like to get smaller than that, for health reasons, but now I know I am beautiful at any size, even this one.

Ignore the idiots, get some self-confidence (easier said than done, lol), and you will have the man of your dreams (or at least someone who isn't an a$$) before you know it.

gtech2mit10
02-22-2010, 02:21 AM
The points other posters have made are definitely valid, about being a different person when you lose weight, so that if people start to like you all of a sudden it could be about the secondary benefits of weight loss rather than the loss itself. However, I will also say that as I have grown older, one of the most shocking, disheartening things I've come to learn is how damn superficial so many men are. Of course, that's not to say that there haven't been guys who've looked past my many physical shortcomings, and fallen for my personality or mind.

I can understand why you'd be disgusted by a guy suddenly becoming interested by your lower weight, but just 1) don't let that deter your weight loss and 2) I know for a fact there are guys out there who are better than that.

Kae
02-22-2010, 10:25 AM
I get what you are saying and I think it depends on the situation. However, as a general opinion on the subject, I think it is true that you will be a different person to some extent when you lose the weight. I know I will be. Right now I don't have much for self confidence and am not big on taking chances and risks... I think a new perspective and a little self confidence will go a long way. And, yes, while they may be more physically attracted to me at a lower weight, I think that self confidence is the thing that really draws people to you.

Trazey34
02-22-2010, 10:59 AM
In a perfect world! That's my mom's favourite expression - in a perfect world, people would be attracted to what's on the inside only, but that's not the way the world works. I don't slam people (men) for wanting thin and pretty, why would they NOT want that? Sometimes an awesome girl can 'sneak up' on a hot guy and snag them (hellllo DH) but the reality of it is, there has to be a spark, an attraction, and if he doesn't feel it now, but feels it later, well that's just the way of the world. Does it suck? You betcha! But in the end it's your decision -- if he asks you out when you're thin, you get to decide the outcome.

soulnik
02-22-2010, 02:39 PM
@jewelrymaker81 - I agree with you wholeheartedly! I have the same feelings. If I'm not good enough for you at this weight, why am I suddenly good enough for you when I'm thin? And while some aspects of me may change - I may look different, dress differently, even carry myself a bit differently - I AM the same person. I don't believe weight loss would dramatically change my personality or belief system. Maybe I'm wrong. Check back with me in a 100 lbs. But, yeah. It would bug me too.

jewelrymaker81
02-22-2010, 04:07 PM
People say that all the time - love yourself and people will love you, just be confident, blah blah blah. Really? Is that really all I have to do? Act like I believe I'm thin and beautiful? I just don't buy it, but everyone says it. I dress well, I fix myself up, I pay attention to the fit of my clothes, I "carry myself" well (at least I've always been told that), I'm not high-maintenance, I'm not an airhead, I'm not clingy. What else? What can I really do to make my personality outshine my fat? I don't think it exists girls, I don't think there's a magic formula for this. Guys like thin, that's all there is to it. Where are our guys? I need a man's opinion in here! Sorry, I know this didn't start out as a I'm-so-lonely-why-doesn't-anyone-love-me rant, and it's sort of turned into one!

ACivE
02-22-2010, 04:40 PM
People say that all the time - love yourself and people will love you, just be confident, blah blah blah. Really? Is that really all I have to do? Act like I believe I'm thin and beautiful? I just don't buy it, but everyone says it. I dress well, I fix myself up, I pay attention to the fit of my clothes, I "carry myself" well (at least I've always been told that), I'm not high-maintenance, I'm not an airhead, I'm not clingy. What else?

I think this is the big point--you can't pretend.

And guys don't just like thin. That's simply incorrect, IMO. They want beauty--inner and outer--of all shapes, sizes, races, and with all kinds of quirks.

jlouqt
02-22-2010, 05:13 PM
Ditto, you can't PRETEND to be confident. I tried that for a LOONG time. You have to gain the confidence and actually be who you want to be. I have been the "friend" my entire life, asked out only a couple of times, but last summer, I took some risks, moved out of my parents house, and lost some weight. My confidence sky-rocketed, and all of a sudden, even at 200 lbs, there were three good-looking guys following me around. Just be you, that's all there is to it.

GirlyGirlSebas
02-22-2010, 05:18 PM
In a perfect world! That's my mom's favourite expression - in a perfect world, people would be attracted to what's on the inside only, but that's not the way the world works. I don't slam people (men) for wanting thin and pretty, why would they NOT want that? Sometimes an awesome girl can 'sneak up' on a hot guy and snag them (hellllo DH) but the reality of it is, there has to be a spark, an attraction, and if he doesn't feel it now, but feels it later, well that's just the way of the world. Does it suck? You betcha! But in the end it's your decision -- if he asks you out when you're thin, you get to decide the outcome.

Ditto!

Plus, I just have to add..unless you have a friendship that grows into something more, there has to be some initial physical attraction between a man and a woman. Most men aren't attracted to heavier women. Heck,to be fair, I wouldn't list heaviness as one of my top physical characteristics that I looked for in a man when I was single.

Some of us heavier women get overlooked when we have a lot to offer. I didn't find my Mr.Right until I was 27. Is it fair to be judged for our weight? No. Not really. But, it is the way it is.

lovemyboy
02-22-2010, 07:50 PM
Just something to chew on: Ive had people I've known for years "suddenly" express an interest in me and in one case my weight was higher than when I first met the person. Sometimes it just takes some getting to know someone before expressing interest. Now there is one scenario where I could see myself getting mad and that would be if a person made it clear that they weren't interested (e.g. You express an interest and they turn you down) then at a lower weight they act interested. It could be coincidental but I'd be suspicious.

jennyplain
02-22-2010, 09:55 PM
I have somewhat limited experience with guys (or at least long term relationships), but I will say that every boyfriend and/or date I've ever had came when I was heavy - mostly because I've never not been heavy. The single factor linking all of them is that when I met those various guys, I felt good about myself for one reason or another. Maybe it was a new outfit, the way my hair was cut, or something else entirely, but I can say that for me, 100% of the time, I've met or hooked up with guys on a night when I felt like a million bucks.

Ha, it's funny, this thread has just made me realize that!

jewelrymaker81
02-23-2010, 05:27 AM
Hmmm...that's very interesting Jenny! Sounds like I need a haircut and to go shopping! haha

PeanutsMom704
02-23-2010, 08:09 AM
I'm not sure I'd agree that in a perfect world, looks, and more specifically weight, wouldn't matter. Humans are designed for physical attraction, but fortunately, we are also designed to have our own personal standards for who we find attractive. I don't think I'm overly shallow or anything, but no, I don't find every man I've ever met attractive, not even if they are nice. So I don't have an issue with them finding some women attractive, but not others. Or finding me more attractive when I'm thinner - ****, I think I'm more attractive then too!! lol!

ShylahEQ
02-23-2010, 01:46 PM
I'd say to try to become friends with him now. You admitted you weren't really friends to begin with. The physical is what people see first, but let him get to know you. You might be surprised.

I understand how you feel though. I appreciate a physically well built man myself (hello Ryan Reynolds), but I tend to fall for the chubbier guys(aka Kevin Smith who my hubby resembles ;) We all just have our own tastes!

BeachBreeze2010
02-23-2010, 02:34 PM
I agree with you 110%! I am an amazing person that he should be honored to be married to. If he doesn't feel that way regardless of my weight, then I don't want him. I'd rather be single. My ideal partner description doesn't include weight or appearance. Those things don't matter anyway. I completely realize that I am the exception.

Here's a story:

When I was in high school I was about a size 9. Not super skinny, but not overweight either. I didn't care what my hair or makeup looked like and most of the time didn't dress to flatter my shape. I had a lot of friends from all sides of the cafeteria, so to speak, and all of them liked me for me. I spoke to the super popular guys occassionally, but it was something I always avoided. Anyway, after high school, I lost a little weight down to a size 5 and was pretty thin. I started dressing different and taking better care of myself. I went to a party at my college and happenned to run into a few of those popular guys. They just couldn't stop going on and on about how great I looked. I was so hurt that I went home and cried and still haven't forgotten it. I realize it's an example of immaturity and not directly related to weight, but having someone interested in you that previously pretended not to notice is uncomfortable at best regardless of why they ignored you.

goldferris
02-23-2010, 04:14 PM
I might have an unpopular opinion. Let's see.

I think of it this way:

When you lose weight and are down to your goal, I imagine you look at yourself and think, "Wow! I look so much better! I like the way I am now way better than when I was fat!" It's perfectly normal and common.

So then why should it be bad if someone else has a similar reaction? You can like yourself better now but it's bad if they do too? Forgive me, but that seems just a tad hypocritical.

I agree that it can be lame if someone thought you were hideous before and suddenly wants on, but I think in most cases it's just that you weren't *noticed* until you lost weight. And since you (and all of us or we wouldn't be here) like yourself better thin and healthy, it should be okay that someone else does too.

rakel
02-23-2010, 04:23 PM
I never dated in high school, but I was very down on myself, even when I wasn't *that* overweight (size 14/16). Looking back at pictures... I could see that I was a beautiful girl, but I did not take any pride in my appearance. Part of that was due to the fact that I grew up with a lot of second-hand clothing and didn't have a lot of money... but it was also just my confidence level.

I met my husband on the internet. I'm not quite sure how that happened, but he saw a picture of me and thought I was really cute (and I was pretty heavy at the time, around 250-260lbs). I wonder if we would have still fell in love if we met in person... he thinks so, and he's probably right. But over the internet I felt like I could be myself more, and was very flirtatious, which I may have been more nervous/meek in person. I was worried that maybe the photos he saw didn't encompass my weight issue and that if he met me he would be shocked... so I made sure to send him some very honest pictures and he was not phased... the meeting went well and here I am 6 years down the road. And it's not like he didn't have plenty of girls to choose from. He had several girls ask him out, but he declined in favor of me.

From his words, he still finds me attractive, but he's concerned about my health, as well he should be. He's also concerned about being obese and pregnant, and would like to see me lose some weight before we TTC.

SO... can you find someone out there who loves you no matter what you weigh? Yes! Just be yourself... and lose weight for your health. Love can find you no matter what size you are. And, if you lose the weight, find someone, and then end up gaining weight back I'm sure they would still love you. They might press you to lose weight for your health, but I think that it's pretty apparent that sometimes our beauty fades as we grow older... love becomes a deeper connection than just physical.

I was lucky that I found my love when I was 18 years old... but I know some people who are over 35 and still haven't found that special someone... some fat, some thin.

jigglefree
02-23-2010, 04:55 PM
Guess I'll weigh in (no pun intended). I have been heavy all my life but because I was always told by my parents I was wonderful I believed it. I was always myself. No pretentiousness and no trying to be something I wasn't. Me being a big girl, liked athletic men and that was all I dated. I was heavy so it wasn't good for us both to be. I was athletic and confident bordering on arrogant. If a guy was thick with no definition tried to get my number, I wouldn't give it to him. But if you have a physical preference, it's okay.

On the other hand, acting like what's not on the inside of you is very easy to notice. My husband picked me because he loved my confidence and my self reliance but I wasn't selfish. Thin and beautiful don't have to go together. There is a lot of thin and ugly out there too. Give a man a chance to get to know you. Trust when I tell you there is someone looking at you wanting to get to know you but you haven't noticed him.

caryesings
02-23-2010, 08:09 PM
I have very real life experience with this.

My current beau and I have a very romantic story about how we met. Basically my 50th birthday gift was delivered to his home because I was out of town which made him realize there was a 50 year old single woman in the neighborhood and checked me out when I got home (saw me in the yard raking leaves), introduced himself...we've been together since November.

I had already lost 50 lbs when we "met" (will explain the quotes in a minute) and have lost another 20 since. He was complimenting me on the 20 lb. weight loss last week but commented that it didn't matter to him as he loves me for reasons other than my body (which ironically is still way bigger than any woman he has ever dated), that he was "attracted to my soul". I had to call him on it and let him know we had actually been introduced 18 months before as living in the neighborhood and that I didn't even register in his mind as a woman enough to ask me which house I lived in.

He was stunned, but one thing I love about this guy is his willingness to examine things like this and he realized I was likely right, as he figures fat would have been the only reason that he could think of that he wouldn't have noticed me as he finds me beautiful even though he really doesn't like fat girls in any way (even though can't keep his hands off my technically still obese form!).

So this led to further discussion and he realizes that even as attractive as he finds me now, if he was 33 instead of 53 he would not have pursued me as he can remember feeling as a young man that he was judged by the "quality" of his SO, and a guy who dated a fat girl was settling. Wow, as much as I always felt this was going on, it was refreshing to hear a man actually admit it.

jewelrymaker81
02-23-2010, 10:27 PM
Wow, that is awesome that he was able to admit it, and talk about it with you. You guys have a great story!

caryesings
02-24-2010, 10:47 AM
Thanks, when I tell the romantic story about the mis-delivered gift resulting in a man delivering himself to my front yard, I leave out the non-romantic "looked right through me" when we were introduced 18 months before that.

marigrace
02-24-2010, 02:02 PM
I don't consider myself to be too superficial,but I am 59 so I can speak from experience. Looks are very important to men. They are much more visually oriented than women are.... and that is just a biological fact. The good news is that there are some other factors that play into this. For one, self confidence is really the most attractive trait in any person of any gender (and no, you can't pretend yourself into that one). And also, physical beauty is always tempered by inner beauty. That's why when someone gorgeous is mean or conceited, etc, their looks seem to lose their impact. Wouldn't it be great to be yourself, and be loved for who you are,and also know the power that comes from being physically desirable ?

kiahna23
02-24-2010, 02:21 PM
People say that all the time - love yourself and people will love you, just be confident, blah blah blah. Really? Is that really all I have to do? Act like I believe I'm thin and beautiful? I just don't buy it, but everyone says it. I dress well, I fix myself up, I pay attention to the fit of my clothes, I "carry myself" well (at least I've always been told that), I'm not high-maintenance, I'm not an airhead, I'm not clingy. What else? What can I really do to make my personality outshine my fat? I don't think it exists girls, I don't think there's a magic formula for this. Guys like thin, that's all there is to it. Where are our guys? I need a man's opinion in here! Sorry, I know this didn't start out as a I'm-so-lonely-why-doesn't-anyone-love-me rant, and it's sort of turned into one!

I agree with your post. Its just sad that people would make themselves different based on "what a man wants". smh. Not saying the one who started the post is doing it. Media and family and friends shape your view of the world and it is up to us to have our own minds. I would never fix my mouth to say :I dont blame a man for not wanting me because Im fat". People can be very one sided you know? Beauty is one sided in this twisted country. I say find a man who loves you for you and there are LOTS of men who prefer bigger women. They have clubs for it! Yes they have clubs where you have to be a certain weight. My aunt who is over weight goes. Its hard because life in this nation tells us what is beautiful and we fall for it. Its hard to be you. I agree that health should be an issue but I think fat shouldnt be treated like a virus that contagious. And not every overweight person has low self-esteem. Its not your confidence and I agree with you on the fact that there is nothing you can do to make the world love what they have been brain washed to hate. smh.

starfishkitty
02-24-2010, 03:36 PM
I absolutely agree with you. Now that I've lost weight, some of my guy friends are starting to be like "Oh heeeey... lookin goooood...", etc.. and it just does nothing for me really. I am more than happy with my guy who loved me at my higher weights... and though he's more than happy I'm losing and looking much more fit and fab.... he still would have loved me anyways. :)

No guys for me who don't love me for me!