[Wannabenormal]

Well....It's me again and I'm just at another impasse. I just don't know what to do or where to turn or if I'm having a menopausal breakdown. At least that's what I'm hearing from hubby. I'm at work this Thursday afternoon and he sends an instant message, he has blood in his urine. He's indicating he's worried and he just doesn't know what to do. The night before he's having pain in his back, groin, hip and I tell him if it's pain bad enough to make you feel like you're going to cry, we should go to the ER and have them check. He refuses and now he's telling me he has blood in his urine. I leave work and rush up. I try calling him... he doesn't anwer the phone.... I call over and over and just get the answering machine. I don't know what has happened! I am in a panic. In my mind I'm having all these terrible visions of him passed out and dead! I am reminded to what happened to my father who has an aortic aneurism(sp) --- he died after being 3 months in ICU. He never woke up from the surgery. So here I am 100 miles away thinking all kinds of horrible things. I'm on a highway and this dog comes out in front of me and I can't avoid it -- I run over it! It's either the dog or go into a ditch. I felt terrible but I'm more worried about my husband. It was a terrible thing and I know I've done damage to the car. Then I get home walk in and he's on the phone talking of a buddy --- he's saying I should "get a grip!"
Now well, now he's pissed off about the car, upset with me about then calling in the claim and going out and finding the car damaged --- Honestly, I had forgotten about it and when he came in and confronted me I said I was worried about you and was too tired to think.
So all this has just made me so angry, so upset, so stressed out that I feel defeated and depressed. I'm really afraid that I get into the diet, lose weight and that I'm going to get the opposite from him. NOW: I'm fat and need to lose weight to look better, and feel better --- THEN: I'll be better and I'm flirting and drawing attention to myself. I don't know what to feel, I feel defeated right now. Whatever I do, is wrong.
In some ways since he himself is struggling with being unable to work from an injury, not being able to work and feeling frustrated about that, I'm getting the brunt of what he feeling. I am doing what I can. I just am doing the best that I can and it's so very difficult! I feeling like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one is hearing me. I'm alone.
I also feel like I'm just complaining. Get a grip! Suck it up! Just stop putting food in your mouth ---- but at the same time, what are you going to feed me? ARUGHGUGUGUGHHHHH! I can't stand it. Don't think about food, but what are you going to feed me? I ask, what do you want for dinner? I'm obsessing about food. But what are you going to feed me? Sigh.... I'm just ready to go into a decline! I'm so angry! So I'm here venting to whoever finds the post. If you read it--- thanks for your time.

[patchworkpenguin]

I don't have any great words of wisdom for you but I feel its healthy to worry about your spouse's health and he should appreciate that, not give you a hard time. He's probably worried and upset himself and typical guy fashion trying not to show it. {can you tell I'm married?} His health is more important than a car.

Don't feel alone, we are here for you, vent whenever you need to. Praying for you.

[newleaf123]

I'm not sure what to say, but I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult array of emotions... It sounds to me like you and your husband need to put together a plan to get his health checked out, he needs to be more understanding of where you are coming from, and you need to find a way to disentangle all of these things going on and work on each separately (ie, husband's health, car repair, losing weight, security in the relationship, etc).

Good luck and vent away!

[weightlosswanted]

You sound really overwhelmed! Does your job offer an employee assistance program? Many do, and offer several free visits to a counselor. Sounds like you could use some support, and maybe even try a visit or 2 for the both of you together. Your local mental health department may offer assistance on a sliding fee scale as well. I've been right where you are, and there's no shame in reaching out for help and support wherever you can find it!

[CruiseCAT]

Focus on what you can change.... YOU.

I too felt defeated and depressed before I decide to get healthy. My experience was that once I started taking care of myself my entire outlook on life changed and I was better able to accept or deal with the other stuff.

Being the control freak that I am one of the hardest things for me to do is live by the following:

"There are things in life you can control & things you can not control. One thing you CAN control, is how much control you give the things you can not control".

Come join us on the weekly chat; you are not alone.

[PeanutsMom704]

Wannabe -

I'm sorry you are having so many issues to have to face right now. You mentioned in your other post about therapy, so I would urge you to talk to a professional and get the help and tools to get through all of this.