100 lb. Club - how could this NOT be embarrassing?




aerotigergirl
02-15-2010, 11:17 AM
So, my very good friend is getting married and she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. I am honored, and I accepted her invitation. On Saturday, we went dress shopping with her mother and one other bridesmaid. :carrot:

Fortunately for her, the bride is a size 4 (in wedding gowns), so she had no problem trying on anything in the store. In fact, of the 50 or so gowns she tried on, only a couple were small enough to fit her and the rest had to be held tight with clamps. Every time she came out of the dressing room, we all ooh-ed and aah-ed over how beautiful she is, how gorgeous her body is, and how everything looks amazing on her because she has a perfect shape. It's true. She is adorable. But I kept thinking back to a year ago, when I was dress shopping. It was quite a different experience for me. I basically had to try to find something that would fit, and I only bothered with one little "boutique" store before I figured out that the had NO samples that would be large enough to fit me. One humiliating shopping experience later, and I was back to David's Bridal so that at least I could find something to try on in my own size.

Anyway, the day went on and we had a great time. Then it was time for us to try on bridesmaids' dresses. The other bridesmaid was probably a size 6 or so, so everything either fit or was too big for her. And then there was me. None of the dresses that anyone picked up were even remotely related to my size. But they wanted to see me in them anyway. So, I stood, in my underwear (including a strapless bra that I had to borrow from the store that was at least one cup size too small), in a dressing room with the bride, her mom, and the other bridesmaid and tried to wiggle my way into 5 dresses that were at least 3 sizes too small for me. At one point, one dress was stuck on my head, with my arms over my head, and the other 3 women in the room were all tugging and pulling at the dress to try to get it on me.

How humiliating. :(

I realize that my friend is trying hard to be accommodating by giving me the chance to try on the dress and give my opinions on it (just like the other 2 bridesmaids have done). And, because she's always been very small and petite, she probably had no idea how mortifying it would be for me to try to squeeze myself into a dress that was obviously not going to fit at all (in front of three skinny women, in my underwear, no less). I really do appreciate that she's trying to make sure I'm comfortable in the bridesmaids' dress.

But I swear, I have never been more humiliated in my entire life. :(


JayEll
02-15-2010, 11:25 AM
So... just curious... if you could tell ahead of time that the dresses were 3 sizes too small, why did you even try to get into them? I would have said, "Sorry, that won't fit me," and not gone through the embarrassment...

Sorry, maybe I'm just wedding challenged...

Jay

aerotigergirl
02-15-2010, 11:29 AM
Well, I did try to explain to them "these dresses are not going to fit me at all, in fact I might not be able to get into them period"... But she insisted that "well, we'll just slip them on and not zip, and we can clamp them to your bra just to sort of get an idea..."

So, it seemed important to her that I give it a try at least. So I felt like I should, just to make her happy, I guess.

In retrospect, I should have been more firm about it. I mean, it really wasn't possible to tell what the dresses would look like on me (in the appropriate size) because once I squeezed into them, they were all out of whack (like the boob cup parts were above my boobs, etc).

::sigh::

I wish I'd done things differently. It was one of the worst days of my life, I swear.


LizR
02-15-2010, 11:36 AM
I'm so sorry. Sounds like a really tough day. :hug: :hug:

thistoo
02-15-2010, 11:40 AM
Ouch. And I thought it was mean of my petite sister to make me go sleeveless at her wedding.

Sure, you could have been more firm with them, but it's hard when you're outnumbered and there's lots of peer pressure coming at you from people who aren't family (i.e. you can't necessarily tell the bride's mother to go to h***!)

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope the rest of the bridesmaid experience is fun and soothes some of the sting of a terrible memory.

Kae
02-15-2010, 11:47 AM
Oh, that is rough. I was maid of honor in my friend's wedding a year ago and I remember how hard it was to do the dress fitting with the other teeny tiny bridesmaids... Sorry, I feel for you!

I tried to just focus on why I was there and make light of the situation. 'Haha, give me the biggest size you carry to try on...' I felt bad but I tried not to show it.

PeanutsMom704
02-15-2010, 11:47 AM
sorry that happened - many of us have had similar experiences, I think, but usually with people who could buy a clue after the first dress didn't go on and didn't insist on repeating the process over and over. Did they think you'd miraculously dropped multiple dress sizes inbetween trying on each one?

Shannon in ATL
02-15-2010, 11:47 AM
I've been in a lot of weddings, but none since I lost weight. Most at my highest posted weight, or higher. I do remember trying on dresses that were too small for all of them with the 'we'll just see how it looks and then order it in your size' message. Why does that even make sense? Like you say OP, you can't really tell how it is going to look when it is too small to begin with.

Sorry you had to deal with all of that. :hug:

How is the style of the dresses they've picked? Something workable if the sizes were right?

Thighs Be Gone
02-15-2010, 11:54 AM
Duyummm girl! I could have used a drink after that ordeal myself. I am so very sorry. If you didn't want to sport your skivvies with all the eyes I would have spoken up. I don't like to be in my skivvies in front of anyone really so I get it.

On another note, the way you describe that dress being stuck on your head and the other women tugging and pulling at it--well, you made my day with that one. You have quite the knack for detail.

aerotigergirl
02-15-2010, 11:55 AM
Thanks. At this point, all the dress trying on nonsense is behind me. I won't have to try on any more dresses until my dress (in my size) comes in. I'm sure I'll still have anxiety over standing at the front of the wedding wearing the same dress as the size 6 bridesmaid, but that'll be work-able.

ubergirl
02-15-2010, 11:56 AM
:hug::hug::hug:

That DOES sound awful, and I've had similar experiences too. It's hard not to feel terrible! But just remember that your friend loves you the way you are, and probably just had no clue that you might feel embarrassed.

People act weird around weddings and as a bridesmaid, a lot of times you just have to let stuff go.:hug::hug:

saef
02-15-2010, 12:04 PM
Oh, Lord. Trying on dresses is already fraught for us when we're overweight. I'm sorry you had to go through this publicly, with hands pulling at you, and people looking on, particularly after watching a slender girl be endlessly lauded for her appearance as she tried on dress after dress.

The things we do for friends, particularly friends who are getting married.

I've had these moments, too, in what I want to call "inter-weight" friendships. (To sound like "interracial.") I love them to death, but those petite or slender friends just don't "get it," the way a fellow fat girl or formerly fat girl would.

Wizzie
02-15-2010, 12:08 PM
My sister did the same thing to me. I was the only fat bridesmaid among a throng of supermodels.

Like saef said they just don't get it. I'm sorry you had such a bad day.

aerotigergirl
02-15-2010, 12:09 PM
I could have definitely used a drink, too. I totally sucked it up during the day, I didn't want to let it show that I was upset and ruin the shopping experience or anything. So no one on the shopping trip knew that anything was wrong whatsoever. But I cried all the way home. I called my best friend, who also struggles with her weight and told her about it and I just bawled on the phone. Then I got home and bawled to my husband about it.

Like I said, I know she was just trying to be nice. But you're right... after the first dress turned out so disastrously, why (WHY???) did I have to keep going and eventually try on 5 of them? Jeesh.

It's like that dream, where you show up at work and you have no pants? Except that it happened FIVE TIMES. ::sigh::

Thanks to everyone for your support. I know I'm not the only one to go through humiliating things like this. And I'm trying hard to just take it in stride and put it behind me... I'm even trying to laugh about it... I knew coming here and talking about it would help with that. Thanks.

lovemyboy
02-15-2010, 12:13 PM
You'd think they'd stock at least one dress in a larger size since this seems to be a common problem. When I was in a wedding I purposely had an appointment icouldnt cancel during the group fitting and went in on my own time to get fitted seperately. That was all fine and dandy until the rehearsal when her cousin who had picked up all the bridesmaid dresses from the store and brought them started under her breath talking to another cousin about "imagine needing a size 16!". Guess whose dress they were talking about? This experience made me vow that I would simply pick a color for any bridesmaids and they could pick whatever style of dress they wanted. Sounds like you had a female bonding ritual gone wrong.

bargoo
02-15-2010, 12:13 PM
When is the wedding ? I am sorry this was an ordeal for you. I am sure the others just don't realize how difficult shopping is for those of us who are weight challenged.

aerotigergirl
02-15-2010, 12:19 PM
lovemyboy--I did the same thing for my wedding. I had 5 bridesmaids who all had different body types. I was able to go shopping with 4 of them at once, and (because we had a range of body types) no one had to try on anything that didn't fit them. We got to see all the dresses we were interested in on one "model" and everyone just said Yay or Nay to each and every dress. At the end of the day we chose two different dresses and two different colors. I really didn't care what they wore. I just wanted them all to feel beautiful.

bargoo-- The wedding is July 23. So, I have some time to get back into shape a little between now and then. I'd love to get down to 160 or so, but that is a long way from where I am now.

losermom
02-15-2010, 12:28 PM
I'm so sorry that you had such a traumatic experience. Women who have never been big usually don't understand how humiliating it can be. It's good that you have a friend that you were able to call about it. And we are always here to share with. I know this experience was hurtful, and I don't think you are ready yet, but I think that in the future you can use it to fuel your weight loss journey.

SamanthaJubilee
02-15-2010, 12:35 PM
aerotigergirl - I applaud you for putting the bride before yourself. I know took so much for you to do & I know it had to be horrible for you.
However, I do think that the bride knowing that you aren't as small as the other bridesmaid should have taken that into consideration and called the store in advance to ask them to have certain sizes in the dresses she was considering available for you to try on. Now, with the smaller stores I know it might be harder, but if you are going to a bigger "chain" bridal store they should not have had a problem accomodating those needs.
I hope your dress looks amazing and maybe you will post a pic so we can see just how awesome you look in it! :)

SamanthaJubilee
02-15-2010, 12:38 PM
The wedding is July 23. So, I have some time to get back into shape a little between now and then. I'd love to get down to 160 or so, but that is a long way from where I am now.
Just be sure you are doing it for you & not the wedding. You don't want to put that pressure on yourself...cause you know that too much pressure leads to stress and stress does NOT help with the weight issue.
Good luck! :hug:

aerotigergirl
02-15-2010, 12:42 PM
Thanks, you guys. You're the best, seriously.

I agree... dress shopping was definitely going to be tough with the smaller "boutique" style stores. They really only get one sample of each dress, and it's usually an 8 or a 10. When my bridesmaids and I went shopping at David's Bridal everyone was able to try on the exact dresses that we were considering, because, as a large chain store, they had all of their dresses in all of the sizes that they offered. Unfortunately, this bride is no fan of David's Bridal and really only wanted to shop at the boutiques.:shrug:

When I was in spin class this morning, I kept thinking about one of the dresses in particular. It was meant to be an A-line dress (you know, sort of flares out at the waist all the way to the hem), but on me it was more like a pencil just because it was WAY too tight. Every time I pushed the pedals, I kept thinking how I never ever want to feel like I did on Saturday ever again. Hopefully I'll have the same mental picture when lunchtime rolls around. :^:

GiddyupKaos
02-15-2010, 01:00 PM
(((super HUGS girlfriend!!!)))....Been there, done that... and it SUCKED!!! never again.... xoxoxoxoxox

Lori259
02-15-2010, 01:34 PM
WOW~ WHAT A DAY~Sometimes people like to humiliate others to make thereselves feel better for the day....which is sooooo TOTALLY MEAN!
Your friend had to know the sizes carried at the store before she went there.
So She had to have been aware before dragging you there....I Think people sometimes do this so they are at there ultimate high Of confidence on there special day But at other peoples expense~Which always ends up hurting people.
I am sending you Hugs FROM OHIO! THAT SO SUCKS~BUT A GOOD THING IS~YOU MADE IT THROUGH IT~IT'S OVER WITH!
If it comes up in the future blame it all on your boobs~cause most skinny girls (the ones that have been skinny 4-ever)have fake ones or small ones and get jealous over that subject!! SO SAY WELL if my boobs wasn't so dang big I could have definetly got into that dress! If they are one of those lucky people that have some decent sized ones ~Then just change the subject! LOL

hehehehe I am so dang Crazy today! Hope this was helpful! I am snowed in and going bananas! My advice sometimes is silly so ignore if totally off from your way of thinking

Eliana
02-15-2010, 01:51 PM
I want to know where the store workers were? It seems to me it ought to be their job to intercede in situations like these. Brides and their mothers can't be held responsible for anything they do. ;) They're not thinking about anything but themselves, and that's normal. But someone should have been rational enough to see what it was doing to you and that should have been the workers.

slimsilhouette2b
02-15-2010, 02:28 PM
OH wow. :( I'm so sorry! *HUGS*

I was at my highest weight at my sisters wedding in June 08. My dress was a 22. A tight 22. I looked horrific. :( She chose 3 styles and we could choose and I probably should have chosen a different style but...well whatever. :) When my 2 teeny tiny cousins tried there's on, I couldn't do it with them. I was too embarrised.

*HUGS* hang in there. You'll be beautiful at the wedding!

dietcokehead98
02-15-2010, 02:56 PM
I'm so hugging you right now....

nelie
02-15-2010, 03:09 PM
I'm sorry you had to go through that and I'm surprised as well. I mean at 197 lbs, you weigh a lot less than I did when I went wedding dress shopping and at your weight, I'd think there would be a lot of things for you to wear. I actually bought a clearance bride's maid dress as my wedding dress (it was pale yellow). I am guessing it was one of their samples and they wanted to get rid of it. At 280 lbs, it fit tight but I weighed 260 when I got married so it was a bit loose at that point.

eratosthanes
02-15-2010, 04:04 PM
I have never been a bride's maid, but I can relate on the shopping with teeny-tiny friends! My ex-best friend is a size 2-4, and because she is only 4'11 (not to mention a somewhat recovered anny), she used to complain all the time about how fat she was and how nothing fit her right. Meanwhile, I couldn't have fit ANYTHING in the entire store as it usually ran up to a 10 at best, and I was, even at my smallest, only a 12-14.

I don't know you, but I give you hugs as well. :hug: I am sure you will look great by July, though, with a little encouragement and determination.

GiddyupKaos
02-15-2010, 04:09 PM
I am sending you Hugs FROM OHIO! THAT SO SUCKS~BUT A GOOD THING IS~YOU MADE IT THROUGH IT~IT'S OVER WITH!
If it comes up in the future blame it all on your boobs~cause most skinny girls (the ones that have been skinny 4-ever)have fake ones or small ones and get jealous over that subject!! SO SAY WELL if my boobs wasn't so dang big I could have definetly got into that dress! If they are one of those lucky people that have some decent sized ones ~Then just change the subject! LOL
OMG.... hehehe I LOVE IT!! You crack me up girl!!!!! I am soo gonna use that one day!!! hehehe lol

Hyacinth
02-15-2010, 04:32 PM
saef - "inter-weight friendships" ... that's a great term!

Lori - blame it on our great breasts - love it!

I was the only plus-sized bridesmaid in my sister's wedding. My dear sister, who isn't always this sensitive, took ME shopping for a dress first, and then after we found what worked for me, she had the other women buy that style. She even chose a dress with a mesh 'sleeve' so I didn't have to show bare shoulders or too much upper arm.

That said, I still find the pomp and circumstance around weddings to be sexist, outdated, overly priced, and definitely discriminatory towards overweight women.

gumboot
02-15-2010, 04:41 PM
oh man! I'm sorry you were put through that! :hug:
Chin up luv!

aerotigergirl
02-15-2010, 05:00 PM
Thanks, again... You've all been just amazing and sharing my horrible experience here has gone a long way towards helping me put the whole nasty mess behind me. :) I've gotten a laugh or two today reading your responses and it's really helped me get my perspective back. I know that, in the long run, these kinds of experiences will only serve to fuel me in my quest. I really appreciate all of the kind words you've all had to say. I desperately needed the hugs, so thank you!

Lori259
02-15-2010, 06:27 PM
hehehe~ Yep ladies The boobs are usually always an advantage! hehehehe~

Thighs Be Gone
02-16-2010, 08:41 AM
Omgosh! Boobage talk again! Yeah, yeah--rub it in if you must! :) hehe, just teasin' ya!

Kae
02-16-2010, 06:38 PM
You are definately not alone... aside from being the biggest in my friend's wedding last year, I was the biggest in my brother's wedding 2 years ago too. My dress looked terrible and I felt so self-conscious. Then, to make it worse my sister-in-law had me walk down the aisle with the skinniest guy you've ever seen. It hadn't really crossed my mind until one of my sisters laughed after the rehearsal walk-through that I was going to look ridiculous because the fat chick was paired with the skinny guy. Ugh, talk about dreading the wedding the next day...

souvenirdarling
02-16-2010, 07:38 PM
I'm sorry to hear it aerotiger girl :( I was a bridesmaid a year ago, and I can't say I'd do it again :( It made me feel compromised, though not in term sof the dresses.

Where we were shopping, the average size was actually 12. The thinnest bridesmaid was an 8, and another maid Bride were larger. Trying it on was awkward for everyone, but we basicaly just agreed on a dress type that we thought would look flattering on everyone, on multiple body types, and it worked out (HATED the colour, though!)

Next time, I'm sure you can add your commentaries without trying it on :) She'll really appreciate the effort ou're putting in.

*big hug*

LovebirdsFlying
02-16-2010, 07:49 PM
It's all been said, so just :hug:. I'm glad you can have some semblance of a sense of humor.

mandalinn82
02-16-2010, 07:57 PM
Big, big :hug: to you.

I wrote a huge post last year about a mini-breakdown I had over a bridesmaid dress...all the other girls were tiny, and yes, I'm at goal, but I was still in the biggest size, and had trouble getting in the dresses, because I have WIDE shoulders and all of the dresses were fitted right in the chest/rib/shoulder area, so I'd have these barely-zipped, tight-enough-I-spilled-out dresses on that then proceeded to TENT around the rest of me. It felt awful. I'm sorry you went through that.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I want to know where the store workers were? It seems to me it ought to be their job to intercede in situations like these. Brides and their mothers can't be held responsible for anything they do. They're not thinking about anything but themselves, and that's normal. But someone should have been rational enough to see what it was doing to you and that should have been the workers.

This was not my experience at all, either. The salegirl treated me like I was a fat cow and made my size unmentionable. You'd think they'd step in, but no. Ugh.

Anyway, I'm really sorry you had this experience, but you got through it, and you're on your way to being a healthier you in any case.

aerotigergirl
02-16-2010, 08:04 PM
Thanks, everyone.

Mandalinn--I just realize that we wore the same wedding dress! I was looking at your photo collage. You look beautiful!

evoo
02-16-2010, 08:19 PM
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I can't imagine how mortifying it had to have been, but I have to say you handled it REALLY well and for that you should be proud of yourself. You are a class act.

I have been the skinny girl and now I'm the fat girl and I just think we all need to remember that immature and spiteful reactions towards those who do not struggle with their weight are no more righteous than immature and spiteful actions from them taken towards people who do. We're all women and no matter our size we often suffer from our own brands of self-loathing. Rubbing a "skinny girl's" socially conceived inadequacies in her face is no different than if she pointed out the fat on your backside, or around your waist. :( Do unto others...

lizziep
02-16-2010, 09:29 PM
just wanted to commiserate- brides maids dresses are evil as it is. last one i wore my boobs were falling out of it- and since i'm 5 foor 2 boy was a popular with the boys that night. lol. i didn't even notice i was giving a full rack view until well into the night.

and then there's the bridal shopping i did. once place specially pulled me aside and told me that 1. there was absolutely nothing they have that fits me and 2. if i'm going to handle their merch i need to wear gloves. which no one else had to do. i guess they were worried about the snickers bar they imagined i keep in my pocket at all times. :(

i have also once had a major melt down in the middle of the mall trying to find a dress. not pretty. lol.

AR4life
02-16-2010, 11:44 PM
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I can't imagine how mortifying it had to have been, but I have to say you handled it REALLY well and for that you should be proud of yourself. You are a class act.

I have been the skinny girl and now I'm the fat girl and I just think we all need to remember that immature and spiteful reactions towards those who do not struggle with their weight are no more righteous than immature and spiteful actions from them taken towards people who do. We're all women and no matter our size we often suffer from our own brands of self-loathing. Rubbing a "skinny girl's" socially conceived inadequacies in her face is no different than if she pointed out the fat on your backside, or around your waist. :( Do unto others...

thankyou Evoo, I wasn't going to comment on how awful some of the comments on this thread were making me feel :( I have a great compassion for others and even though my weight isn't as high as some on this site, I would never make anyone feel humiliated like the OP felt.

Back to the original post, I am sending hugs for the pain you were put through :hug:

Dingo
02-17-2010, 08:19 PM
Wedding dress shopping was one of the worst experiences of my life and I am a street size 10! I imagined a day of "say yes to the dress" but instead found no dresses that fit me , I had to practically rip them to get them over my hips and then they looked ill fitted on. They actually convinced me to put a deposit down on a dress that looked completely awful! I had to convince them to let me use the deposit on other items from the store after I found a better fitting dress that made me feel at least a little pretty.

I continue to hate shopping period...at any size.



Additional bridesmaid evilness- I was in a wedding once where a bridesmaid pulled me aside before I went down the aisle and told me to make sure to hold my bouquet over my stomach so people couldn't see it.