100 lb. Club - Why I Struggle - TMI - Very long

View Full Version : Why I Struggle - TMI - Very long

02-09-2010, 10:31 AM
I'm just feeling like I need to get his off my chest so I guess it's more of a rant than anything.

Sometimes I have no idea how I make it through life. I made an unwise decision 3 Ĺ years ago to date a younger man, he convinced me to get married, we had a child who is absolutely amazing. I started to realize things were not right, my ex was lying all the time, starting using drugs, so I divorced him after only a year of marriage. Sadly I took him back shortly after that, the distrust and lies continued. I blinded myself into thinking things were getting better and he was being responsible. He canít keep a job, and finally I decided to let him just be an at home dad so I could work the hours I needed to. I feared all the time he wasnít taking proper care of my daughter. She was fine when I come home, but there were mornings I would call and call and he would not answer. Thanks to a big part of him I was later pushed in to bankruptcy because of a vehicle he talked me into buying and I got screwed on and took it back the next day. Of course they still felt I had to pay for it and started to garnish my wages $400 each check, which I could not afford. Filed for Bankruptcy and gave up my home and moved to the family farm. My mom could help with Beonca and I could give my ex more responsibility for the farm so he could feel like he was working. He failed. Horses would have no water, grain wouldnít get put away. Everything was half-assed. He was supposed to take care of our daughter in the mornings and come to find my worst fears were realized. My mom had to get my daughter several times because he was NOT waking up. I have no idea how long this has been going on, but thankful that my mother was there to help. I still kept making excuses for him. Then he kept staying up late at night and not being responsible about his duties and I lost it. I finally kicked him out for GOOD in early November last year. He has guilted me into paying for his phone, paying his car insurance, giving him money for food, gas, and paying his rent. I gave him another opportunity one day to come and take care of our daughter. I leave for work at 5, and again I call and call and no answer. I call my mom. She hears my daughter up but not him. He went to sleep after he got there and again did not wake up with her. That was it for me. I was paying for his rent to a place he asked me to get him into to, and I found out he wasnít even staying there. After that I ended paying him anything. I finally cut his phone off yesterday and another phone he had for his mom. I told him to change address on his insurance I was no longer paying it. I know Iím going to get a call next time itís due. But Iím so tired of trying to help him. His mother said I was a bad wife and he needed a wife not a mother. I would have been happy to be just a wife, if I didnít have to stay after him to do right all the dang time. He never contributed to any bills, heís never paid child support, he blows off his visits, which now can only happen at the farm due to him not having a stable place to live. I had allowed him a couple overnight visits but I had supply ever bit of food, diapers, wipes, sippy cups, and give him money to buy her milk and juices. I found out from the people he was stayed with when he had her that he put her in a room in a play pen and let her cry herself to sleep. He wouldnít do anything to purposely hurt our daughter, but heís just so irresponsible and selfish. We grew up in very different groups, I come from middle income family and he comes from lower income family. He grew up in a rough area where drugs and dealing was normal activities. He ended up serving time. He claimed he moved to TN to better himself, but I fear he will always stick to what he knows. Iím all for someone bettering themselves as I believed he could especially with how young he is, but now Iím not so sure. Heís not dealing or anything, but I know heís getting high from time to time. His class of friends are mostly people who have no jobs, live off the system or other people. But due to the fact he has no stable home environment Iím terrified about what will happen if I should die. I donít want my child to grow up that way. I have a meeting with a lawyer to find out what my options are so that my family could fight for full custody should something ever happen to me. My family can afford to support her and since they can I donít see why she should have to live his life when she can live a more secure one. Iím terribly mean to him now, I tell him horrible things, and Iíve never been a person like that before. He has changed me to for the worst and I hate it. Iím terrified of what this experience has done to my used to be okay personality. I feel so guilty for talking to him the way I do, but if Iím even remotely nice he uses that as an in to talk me out of more money and Iím sooooo done with it. I want to say so bad I regret every meeting him, but I love my daughter so much. Without him I wouldnít have her, but I still wish she had a different daddy. She turned 2 in September and everything I do is for her.

My day is so busy, but yet drama follows me all day long. I get up at 4:00 am to feed the pregnant horse and turn her out, I take care of another horse with an injury that is stuck in a stall, I then go over to the other barn on the other side of the farm to feed the old rescue pony and his buddy, I then feed the goats, and then my daughters pig, then I have to get in the house and get dressed and ready to leave for work by 5:00 am. I check to make sure my mom has the monitor on and head out the door. I have an hour drive to work where Iím left with my thoughts of all the crap I have to deal with regarding my ex. I get to work by 6:00 am I work til 4:30 pm and head home the same hour trip. I arrive home and take over the care of my daughter. I run what errands need to be run, I spend what little time I can with my daughter and try to get on face book if she decides she wants to watch TV (Mondayís I try to watch House), then at 9 I put her to bed, then I have to head back out to the barn and check on the pregnant horse and put her up for the night, and give the other horse some hay. I also take pictures of the pregnant horseís progress to try to pin point when she will foal. I then have to get my daughters stuff ready for school, and figure out what Iím going to wear the next morning so I donít have to think when I get up. I turn on the horse monitor and climb into bed about 10/1030 and get up to do it all again the next day. Weekends are not much better. I may not work, but I have to run get straw, shavings, feed, clean stalls, move hay between barns, help with afternoon feeding of main herd of horses, etc. When I say I have no time to do a regular workout routine this is why. I just canít add one more thing to my schedule right now. Itís taking every bit of my efforts just to eat better and not fall back on old patterns. I have no idea what my motivation is for eating better, other than I hate being fat, but I have gotten used to it. I canít believe Iím still going. I was not always fat, I was thin until I was 25, and then weight started to pack on. I miss being 130lbs. **** I miss being 160lb. I used to get so upset about being 160 and now Iíd kill for 160.

So anywayÖ TMI on me, but just thought I would get it off my chest and maybe help some to understand why I get so negative and get down and get lost sometimes. I do want to lose the weight, but Iím fighting an uphill battle right now with life as well as trying to do the right thing.

02-09-2010, 11:00 AM
Wow, that is a lot of weight on your shoulders, if you'll pardon the pun. I'm sorry you're under so much stress, I can't even begin to imagine.

You really are getting more activity than you think with taking care of the animals. For now I'd just keep focusing on your diet; you can lose weight that way, and someday you might have a little time to add in some more exercise.

Sure, losing weight is great appearance-wise, but it also makes us *feel* a lot better. We have more energy (usually) and it makes the daily stuff a lot easier. That's the reason you should stick with it. If you can hang on to that thought it might get you through this first few months, and once you make it a habit, it'll get easier.

Good luck. We're all here pulling for you.

02-09-2010, 11:37 AM

I'm sorry you are having all these problems, but I just want to say how much I admire you!!!

You are shouldering every responsibility and hanging in there, with such a busy life. What you are doing is not easy, but it will pay you dividends many many times over as time goes along. It will not always be this hard! Every loving thing that you do for your daughter now will pay you back many times over as she gets older.

I also want to tell you that I have personally seen too many women get taken advantage of by guys like the one you are describing. The tragedy is when the women can't see the handwriting on the wall and get out....

I know it's hard on you and you feel like you are being mean, but you are so obviously doing the right thing. Sometimes if you are brought up in a stable environment and you don't have a lot of experience with manipulative people it's hard-- you were brought up to be nice, but you are not dealing with a nice person-- obviously he was taking advantage of your work ethic and kind heart.

So let me say this. If you can do what you are doing now, you can do ANYTHING!!!!!!! Weight loss will be a piece of cake in comparison. You are an amazingly strong person, and I'm sure that eventually you will meet someone who actually deserves you!!:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

02-09-2010, 11:57 AM
Dude sounds like a piece of work, to be sure. Guys like that will always be around, ready and willing to take full advantage of whoever will let them. You've got his number now, so he's a sperm donor and that's it. I'm begging you to NOT give him any more power over you and your life. You said he "changed your personality" for the worst. YOU have to change it back. He can't control you anymore, can't control the food you eat or the love you share with your little bunny. He is not part of your life equation any longer. YOU have all the power: power to be happy, power to be successful, and power to be the best mama :)

02-09-2010, 11:58 AM
I agree with the above posters! I think it's interesting that at the times in our lives when we have toxic people taking advantage of us, we gain weight. It's like instead of saying no to them, we say no to taking care of ourselves.

As busy as you are, I have a feeling that your schedule with the animals, work, your daughter and daily life isn't the problem. In fact, I will guess that you very much like working with the animals and of course taking care of your daughter. I think the added component of your ex is what is driving this out of balance. Please continue to say no and be as mean as you need to be to get the point accross. Consistency is key. If you even hint that you might be approachable, he will wedge in. Unfortunately because you share a daughter with him, he will be in your life to some extent, but the more you can minimalize that, the better for all of you. This is a rough patch, for sure, but it will settle out and you'll fall into your routine and life will be much easier! Is your mom able to help with dinner? Can she/Would she be willing to take that off of your plate? Maybe the two of you can find some healthy recipes you like. This could be a great opportunity to really bond with your Mom. She loves you the same way you love your daughter.

Like your username says - Move Forward! The more you focus on the past, the more it will hurt you. Today is a new day for a new beginning. Focus on the beautiful future you have ahead of you with your daughter!

02-09-2010, 12:07 PM
Hey! :hug:

So sorry....

He is never going to change. I think you realize this now. Cut him off completely. There is no way any court would give him visitation if he's actively using drugs. And obviously he's a user in many many ways.

Concentrate on keeping it together at home. You have all you can handle there, without thinking about your ex. Or should I say, X. Put a big X through all your thoughts of helping that one.

Stress is a horrible contributor to weight gain. I'd suggest you plan meals for yourself--breakfast, lunch, dinner, two snacks. Don't let your eating be one of those random things that hit you at odd times. Make that part at least a regular thing in your life. I noticed in your description of your daily life you did not once mention meals--that tells me something.

If you're not properly nourished, you can't keep up with the demands, let alone lose weight.

Once you get the meals set and get used to the planning and execution, you'll be better able to think about weight loss strategies.


02-09-2010, 12:34 PM
Thanks everyone for your kind words. This whole thing with my ex is very difficult for me. I feel sorry for him because of the way he was raised, because the rough go he’s had in life, I truly thought he really wanted to change. I didn’t catch on to all the lying until after I got pregnant. I had a very very very bad pregnancy and he’s all I had at the time so I didn’t leave him then. I don’t think it’s a fact that he doesn’t want to change it’s he is sticking with what is comfortable to him. I was the wrong woman for him, I could not help him, I did not guide him right. I was mean to him when trying to be encouraging failed. His family pretty much turned their back on him, and I guess I see why, however they are no prize either. But it makes me feel sorry for him cuz he really has no one in his life to stand behind him and guide him. However I will say during this cut off, his step mom and dad have been supportive of my decision. His mom on the other hand (who walked out on her 5 kids and moved to a different state for several years) is very mad at me. She said she left their dad because he was so abusive and a drug user/seller. Well HELLLO if that was the case why the heck didn’t she take her kids with her, she sure took her new boyfriend now husband. I do I guess blame her somewhat for all the kids the way they turned out. My ex never had proper guidance growing up. All he knew was the thug life. I really truly wanted to help him. There were periods of time that he would do okay, but then he would slip back into old ways. It’s so hard to give up on someone who is young enough to learn to do the right thing. It wasn’t all bad all the time, there were good moments. There are times I really see he loves his daughter, but his responsibility level is not where it needs to be to be a parent. He’s only smoking weed which I know is no where near as bad as other drugs, but to me it’s illegal in the US, which means don’t do it. I had such a bad weekend dealing with him and the stupid games he was playing. He was in agreement to signing paperwork that if I die Beonca goes to my mom but he still has his rights to visit and he would be released from paying child support (not that he does now), but then someone who most likely doesn’t know him well enough yet convinced him to never allow it. So which means I have to do it the hard way. My family is behind me, but I’m struggling to decide who to leave her to because it has to be someone who can fight and will fight and never give up to keep him from having full custody. My mom is in her 60’s so she will take care of her as long as she’s able, but I need to have someone younger that can be in her life for the long haul. I’m not telling him he can’t have visitation, but he cannot provide for her and what little assistance he would get he’ll live in crap housing and bad neighborhoods surrounded by the people who keep him down. I don’t want that for my daughter. My family can give her better. It wouldn’t really be any different than things now, I just wouldn’t be here. He knows he can’t take care of her, he’s admitted it time and time again, but then he’ll complain to one of these friends of his and they will get him all riled up on rights, etc, and not thinking about what is best for our daughter.

I appreciate you all letting me get it off my chest. You have no idea how big of a stress this is. My little girl is EVERYTHING to me. I want to be sure she is safe.

My mom does all the cooking thankfully, however she don't cook everyday. I need to find the recieps and she is willing to make them. I just haven't found anything really yet for good recipes.

Thanks again everyone.

02-09-2010, 12:47 PM
I understand your guilt in turning him loose. I really do, but this isn't your responsibility. Relationships aren't about changing people. A "good" wife isn't someone who can change someone and make them better. It's almost impossible to have a healthy relationship without two people accepting and being themselves. Sure, there is support in a relationship, but not this. It is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to be what he needs to be. No one can (or should) do it for him.

"It wasn’t all bad all the time, there were good moments. " It never is, honey. It never is. If they were always bad, it would be easy. Even very abusive men are great sometimes. That's how they keep ya comin' back for more.

Make this deal with him if you don't want to leave him forever - tell him that when he gets himself together (and be specific, job, college, apartment, credit, etc.) to give you a call and you'll meet up. No promises. And it can't be 6 months later - it takes time to straighten oneself out.

Lori Bell
02-09-2010, 01:15 PM
You can feel sorry for him if you want, but that doesn't mean you have to sleep with him, or support his lazy a$$. I'm thinking in a few years you will being thinking, "OMG what in **** was I thinking"... but until then, don't let the little weasel talk you out of more money or unsupervised visitation. Yikes.

02-09-2010, 01:25 PM
I have no interest in really ever being with him again. I really don't believe he will change the way I need him to for me to be with him, and I don't see how I will ever trust him again. He's a compulsive liar. He don't even know he's lying, he needs help to deal with that. It's just hard for me to turn my back on most people, even if he is a loser. I have absolutly no intentions of ever sleeping with him again. I just need him to get himself together for our daughter sake. She loves him. I'm just worried how she will handle him when she starts to see things. I wish he would just go home to sometimes, we are both from different states. Either way is a raw deal for my little girl.

02-09-2010, 02:35 PM
I'm another one who has been there...not in an identical situation, but in one that was as pressure-filled, time-driven, and heartbreaking.

Something you should know is that it does get better. It will take a while and you won't notice it at first, but it will get better. The mare will foal, your daughter will become a little more self-sufficient, and your continued resistance to manipulation by the ex will become easier and then less necessary (hopefully, when he realizes the well has dried up).

Stay the course; you know you did the right thing for yourself and your daughter; and it is not up to you (nor is it possible, without his cooperation) to do the right thing for your ex.

and in the meantime, this is a good place to rant.

02-09-2010, 02:44 PM
Hey again, moveforward73. :hug: :hug: :hug:

I just want to remind you, you are not the Red Cross. And from what you've been saying, you're not a licensed mental health practitioner either. So the fact is, you CAN'T help him, no matter how sorry you feel for him. His is a case that you can't fix just by loving him enough, much as you may wish it was different.

Of course I don't know him, but my long life experience tells me that people like that do not want to change no matter what they say. They will only change when they absolutely have to. If you cut him off completely, you may be surprised at how quickly he figures out how to get a job and not sleep all day, etc. That is, unless he finds some other woman to take care of him. Just don't you be that woman.

You are worried about what happens to your child if you die. I think it's good to have guardianship established, and I agree that he should not be allowed to have custody. But please don't think about dying so much! You are alive now, and if you will take care of yourself the way you should, you may never have to worry about custody of your daughter.

As for your child, she is not getting a raw deal. She has you and your family, and that's a lot.

Make those meal plans...


02-09-2010, 03:06 PM
Glad you felt safe enough to rant. :hug::hug:

I will say this, I have been with a man that "said" he wanted something different but didn't do what was necessary to get something different. I tried and tried to help but it was to no avail. As for how he was brought up and the life he lived, that's the hardest part because you know how good you had it so you want him to experience better. I know, been there. The only difference between us is there was no child. I let that joka go because it was wearing me down and my usefulness was almost gone.

What I will say, for her safety you have to let him get himself together before he has visits with her. I have a little girl and if her dad was doing what he is doing there would be NO visitation. She is priority #1!!!

Until he wants to change there will be no change. As long as you let your ex be who he is and still give him room in you and your daughter lives he has no reason to change. He knows one day you will soften up but you must not give in. You can do this.

As for the eating and staying on plan, with all the work you do making minor adjustments to meals can work for you. You WILL feel better and your energy will get better. You do enough on the farm that could be used as your exercise. You are going to make it and your daughter will come out of this alright...she has an awesome mother as a role model.

02-09-2010, 04:13 PM
That was brave of you to post. :hug:

The best thing you can do for both you and daughter is to cut him loose. Once and for all. No more money, no more time, no more of your brain space... nothing. Get the guardianship stuff sorted out, and just hang that particular hat up and walk away. You already have many other hats to wear that need you more.

That's a quick way to lose more than a hundred pounds from your life!

If he wants to better himself -- yay. But HE has to better HIMSELF. You cannot do this for him and you wrote a long missive about how your support was not enough and/or taken for granted/abused. Accept it. Withdraw the support and redirect it toward yourself and your kid where it is more appreciated and useful.

When you stop propping him up he might learn to stand or simply fall over. That's his deal and his development (or not.)

It isn't the point for YOU and your development. The point for you is to stop the propping and move on in your own journey. To allow yourself to clear this off your plate so you make room for something more positive to come. And to model healthy relationships for your daughter.

She will grow up one day and how you handle yourself in your relationships are her first models. We all can make mistakes... but having recognized it, how are you dealing with it? She is watching... and growing her self esteem and self worth as she watches. You say she's important, so make sure your actions match what you say.



02-09-2010, 04:30 PM
Your ex sounds like a complete loser, and you sound like a very giving, hard-working mom.

He's not taking proper care of her when she's in his care. Maybe arrange for visits where someone else is present; You, your mom, anyone. No more overnight stays, or any time spent where he has to "care" for her. I know that this might make things harder on you since that time can be convenient, but, it sounds like all you do is worry when she's in his care, anyway.

Your ex isn't going to change. You can't change him. He has to do that on his own. Don't give this bum anymore money. Let him learn the hard way like everyone else has to.

I have so much respect for you, BTW. Farm responsibilities are HARD! You're an awesome lady, and you deserve SO much better. :)

02-09-2010, 04:42 PM
I'm trying so hard to not let him bother me, but any time a text come in I get all red faced. I am happy that he has got another phone, that is a huge weight for me. I don't want to know who calls him and who he calls. When I have access I look. Which is how I also know he's up all hours of the night still, which is why I don't want him to have overnight visits. He's extreamly mad at me today cuz he moved to a new house and wants me to give him visitation there. He has no job, no means of any money, which means he's moved it with someone else and someone I don't know this time. He keeps calling it "his house" however I know better. You don't get something for nothing. He is allowed the visitation at the farm and I will leave him to it and my mom will keep an eye on things. But that is his only option until I see him get a job, show a lease, etc. I have openly told him to take me to court if he feels he deserve more. If he does the judge will award it. But in my eyes this is all i'm willing to allow at this time. My divorce paperwork is very clear. His visitation is on Saturday and Sunday on agreed times at my home, over night visits are at the descretion of mother.

I have an appointment with my lawyer next wednesday at 2, and we will be dealing with the Guradianship as well as what I need to do to keep beonca safe. Again I'm not trying to be one of these woman who keep their children from their dad, but I will keep her safe. I do not worry as much as long as he is in our house. We live in a 125 year old farm house, you can hear everything through the floor. lol If he gets his crap together I would have no problem with him taking my daugher for a night, but she needs a crib, and many other things before that. I would enjoy a break to sometimes, although my mom will give me a break most anytime I want, but I just feel to guilty cuz she does so much for her already.

Again thank you everyone so much for letting me talk about this. I don't have any friends here I can really talk about this with. My mom just gets such an attitude when I get upset cuz she's just tired of him.

02-10-2010, 01:34 AM
Why not get YOU a new phone and not give him that number? I assume the farm has a land line with an answering machine? Let him call there and you call back when YOU feel ready to cope with it. Or let him call you at work only where you can ignore it on the voicemail there until YOU are ready to deal with it. Or let him keeping calling the cel phone you currently use. And use that like "the ex answering machine" and deal with it only when you feel like it. Get a different cel for to you use for your real life. You know... the one he is no longer a part of.

Do not allow him to text your cel and bust in on your life and work whenever he pleases. You aren't on his digital leash where he can yank any time he wants!

"My divorce paperwork is very clear. His visitation is on Saturday and Sunday on agreed times at my home, over night visits are at the descretion of mother. "

Good for you! At farm only when supervised, forget sleepover. You can't tell daughter she's important to you and then keep leaving her in the care of an unreliable babysitter even if he is the dad. That's bad for self esteem. Like...

"Dad doesn't care about me so he leaves me alone careless when babysitting. Mom doesn't care because she leaves me with Dad."

You are doing the right thing. Hang in there!


02-10-2010, 09:34 AM
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