100 lb. Club - Finding our place

View Full Version : Finding our place

02-08-2010, 10:40 AM
I discovered a few things about myself last night.

I have two friends who are over weight. I've always been the "thin" one and as long as I was the "thin" one, life was balanced. We have all steadily gained about the same over the years. I adore these two friends of mine.

Last night we had a super bowl gathering and I stressed over what to bring. I realized that a small part of my problem, miniscule really, is that I am such a pleaser. I eat to fit in, I eat to make others more comfortable and I eat to please the palates of others. I struggled with what to bring knowing everything I was thinking up was selfishly only for me. I finally decided on my new favorite snack, yogurt parfaits. They're McDonald's style and yummy! Vanilla yogurt with fresh berries topped with granola. Doesn't that sound wonderful? It does to me. But I knew I'd be the only one eating it.

Sure enough, it was only for me. And I guess that's fine, but I felt bad, because I knowingly brought something I knew only I would eat. But I needed something besides the chips, chili, cookies, etc. No one begrudged me my snack, of course, but I contributed very little. I also brought pop and chips, none of which was for me.

02-08-2010, 10:44 AM
Eliana, the way I see it, you bring what you bring. If others decide to eat it or not, that is their decision. You have fulfilled your obligation by bringing something to share, and at that point, you're done.

No reason why those folks couldn't have had a nice yogurt parfait if they had wanted to. I would have been all over that!

It will take some practice, but you can get over those feelings of having to please others. The only way to do it is to practice. Bring something good, and let them make their own decision about it. It's not up to you to satisfy their particular tastes.


02-08-2010, 10:48 AM
I know you're right. But I don't want to be viewed as all high and might all of the sudden, or on a health kick or unable to relate.

Somehow it's easier to be fat. We all want to be like our friends, I guess. I've never been a joiner, and have always gone out of my way TO be different, but in this way, somehow it's easier, comforting, to be among like people.

Thighs Be Gone
02-08-2010, 10:50 AM
Eliana, if it helps at all I always take a dish to gatherings to share--one I know is safe for me to eat. I might eat the other things in careful moderation but bulk it with my own food.

There are lots of things you could have taken though--what about guacamole with raw vegetables for dipping along w a bag of tortilla chips for those that wanted them. You could also have taken turkey meatballs bulked with brown rice on toothpicks.

Yesterday? Hehe. After my kids school program we went furniture shopping. I am so lucky! LOL.

02-08-2010, 10:51 AM
yeap what Jay said ;)

I always bring healthy stuff to gatherings & at first no one would eat it but now I'm lucky if I get some for myself.....it took time for that to happen and wouldn't you know it that all it really took was my dad eating some dish I made. He fell in love and raved about it :lol: So keep bringing what you like! I'm not saying it'll happen but you want to eat too right? So it's a win-win situation ;)

02-08-2010, 10:58 AM
I don't think there was anything wrong with what you did. You brought something for yourself to snack of because you knew no one else would bring the kind of snacks you would feel comfortable eating. Which is fine. But you did say you also brought pop and chips. So it's not like you were only thinking of yourself. So I wouldn't worry about it at all. You did great!!

02-08-2010, 11:04 AM
I hear ya, but c'mon! You did contribute, you brought a healthy snack, pop and chips. That's great!! If they chose not to eat it, that's their choice, not yours. It's not like you only brought enough of the healthy snack for yourself - you had enough for the group. Going to parties like these put us in very difficult situations, I think you did a GREAT job planning for food so you wouldn't derail!!! :bravo:

I have a lot of these kinds of get-togethers with my friends and always stress over what to make. I want to make sure there are things for the kids, the women and the men - because they all eat different things! LOL! Kids like the sweets and things they can grab and go so as not to miss the games they are playing with thier friends. I make little corn on the cob ears, turkey hot dogs sliced up (no bun that way) to dip in ketchup, cheese cubes, tortilla chips with mild salsa and enough for one cookie per child. Men seem to like different ways to eat meat, so I overlap a bit with the kids and also make chili (with lean stew meat instead of ground beef) and leave the toppings as extras, turkey meatballs, and baked chicken wings tossed in sauce. The women seem to gather around the food table and talk and want healthier things, so I make a veggie tray, fruit salad (just chopped fruit), pasta salad (whole grain pasta, olive oil and chopped veggies), fruit salsas, and grilled chicken tenders with wing sauces to dip in. A lot of my friends will bring some of these things to - it ends up being kind of a potluck, but these are the things that seem to grace the table the most often. Yeah, there's always some of the guys that bring chips and sour cream based dips, but that's easy to resist when there are other foods there I do like.

If I am going to a party where I know there is going to be a lot of junk, sometimes I do a Scarlet O'Hara and "pre-eat." I simply eat before I go and don't plan on eating anything there. It's much easier to avoid junk when I am not hungry. I have put food on my plate to please others and simply thrown it away when they were no longer looking. I know that's a bit indirect, but some people can be really pushy.

Again, I think you did a PERFECT job on balancing bringing food for others and keeping something healthy there that you like.

02-08-2010, 11:15 AM
I understand being scared to crow about your changes. It is awkward sometimes around people that don't know you as well. Your close friends will probably be interested in what you are making and proud of you for taking care of yourself. If they aren't, well, that's another story altogether.

Those aquaintances that can be judgemental are difficult. So far, I will admit that I have side stepped a lot of questions and comments. Eventually when I have lost more, I won't be able to do that. We will have to face it at some point as we continue to successfully lose weight. When we chose to confront that is up to our own comfort levels, but as most things in life, it's probably better to do it sooner than later. So, the next time someone asks me why I have an exercise bike in my living room or makes a comment that I am wearing a shirt they haven't seen me wear in a while, I will be forthcoming. The next time it will be easier! I can do this! You can too!

02-08-2010, 11:55 AM
What you did was not make your diet somebody else's problem. You brought pop and chips for people who didn't want your parfait (which sounds great; I'd be thrilled to see something like that at a gathering), and you brought something you were comfortable eating, without making a fuss, and without expecting your host to cater to your eating plan. You did good.

02-08-2010, 01:43 PM
you can't control the choices other people make, and as much as you love your friends, it doesn't sound like they are as concerned about having healthy choices for you, even though you felt obligated to make sure they had their less healthy choices available.

One of my close friends was always very heavy although she's been one of my inspirations because she went ahead and lost a large amount of weight. But the interesting thing is that in my efforts over the years, she's always gone out of her way to be supportive, and do stuff like making sure there was fresh fruit even if all the other stuff was more standard party fare. She did that even though it was before she was ready to make her own journey to fitness, because she knew it was important to me.

02-08-2010, 02:06 PM
Your post resonates with me. I faced the same situation. I was out grocery shopping the day before our neighborhood party and started to see all the infamous celebratory foods showcased and really was starting to waver about what to bring. But, I did stand strong and picked up a variety of veggies for the platter I was planning.

Yes, there was all the typical fare to be expected but people did eat what I brought. I even had a young teen try my hummus. She didn't like it, and that was okay, at least she tried it! And btw, she very politely told me she didn't like it AFTER I asked her.

Was the hummus and veggies for me? You bet it was. Everyone else brought their favorite foods, why shouldn't I? We have to tell ourselves we need to do what we need to do. I think in time, I certainly will be more comfortable and will stop second guessing myself. It will just take practice.

And I'm going to need all the practice I can get for my visit home this spring/summer were I have always eaten to please my father. Ughhh! Wish me well!

And btw, I would have loved what you brought--sounds yummy to me!

02-08-2010, 02:19 PM
I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. I seriously struggle with not eating terribly to please others in social settings. My girlfriends seem used to my eating now and don't question it... they even offer to make healthy options. But I really struggle when I go to my sister's house for family events. Both of my sisters want to drink and "have fun" and I really feel the pressure to just go crazy with it all. Take this weekend for example... terrible. I am up several pounds today. Though, a lot of it is probably water retention from the high sodium intake and dehydration from drinking more alcohol than water... You did good. Be proud!

02-08-2010, 02:21 PM
I always take either a large veggie platter with dip AND hummus OR a large fruit platter with really yummy fruits like strawberries/starfruit/mango/watermelon with a low fat yogurt dip. I bring things I can eat but that others will also enjoy. Now I would have been all over that yogurt/fruit parfait but I understand why others wouldn't.

I am proud of you for sticking to your guns though!!!!

02-08-2010, 02:38 PM
Yes, the yogurt parfait is dessert like to me. But I know my friends won't eat fruit and in fact gag on fruit. (Even fruit flavored ICE CREAM!) So I truly knowingly brought something I knew darn well they would hate. But I could not think of one single healthy food item that they would enjoy. No fruit, no vegetables. What then? Rice cakes? That's even more in-your-face than what I brought. LOL!

I guess I'm just struggle with who I am when I'm with these women. Gone are the days of commiserating about our weight over pizza.

02-08-2010, 03:14 PM
In 2007, I sent my friends (a ton of them, even people I barely called 'friends') an email saying that I will not have any junk in my house so if they come over they have to bring their own snacks but that i'd have healthy snacks. (and not to worry about offering me treats when i go to their house)... it sounds harsh... it is working! I actually had a couple ladies come up to me and thank me for having healthy snacks instead of junk as it made them feel better about their journeys and that they were not tempted!

people are so used to my healthy lifestyle now that they rarely even bother offering me junk which makes life so much easier!

i even bring snacks over to peoples homes (including my 'new' boyfriend) to make sure i have healthy stuff! at first i thought it was rude, now i know it is important to put myself first occasionally!

keep it up!!! be proud of your choice!!!

02-08-2010, 04:34 PM
that's weird, usually stuff like that is eaten up right away cuz it's a bit different! I know my usual tray of fresh fruit arranged all pretty with a yogurt dip in the middle is INHALED no matter where I take it!! Even the dudes like it!

As for eating to please others, PFFFT I'm so glad a lot of us are OVER that, or working towards getting over it. When you realllllly think about it, who gives a F(**&*K what anyone else eats? Who's business is it?? I don't consider my lunch or dinner choices to be that important to OTHER PEOPLE lol, just like what others eat is of no importance to me! The only time it is kinda fun, is when my nephew and his university buddies come for supper and i marvel at the food these tall skinny beanpoles put away LOL and it weirdly makes me happy! they eat a pie EACH! that's right! each! hahaha

02-08-2010, 05:12 PM
I would have loved one of those. Ummm...yogurt parfait think I'm going to make some....