100 lb. Club - Camomile VS Vodka
02-06-2010, 10:09 AM
I have a friend who seems to be making a conscious effort to derail my weight loss. I don't relly know why. I have tried telling her that I really need to do this, and have changed the way I eat, but she keeps saying things like "tsk, tsk...You have to live a little." The other day she said she would be comming over for tea, knowing what she has done to my will power in the past, I proceeded to shore myself up with some salmon and a salad in anticipation of a possible attack. When she arrived with a bottle of vodka, cheese, and crackers, I was fully prepared (LOL). I am so proud of myself... I sat there and drank a pot of chamomile tea and as the tension mounted...I remained firm and content .
02-06-2010, 10:12 AM
Wow, kudos - you must feel very content right now!
02-06-2010, 10:17 AM
Lady, that's awesome!
I've been very lucky in that all the close friends around me are nothing but supportive about my weight loss.
02-06-2010, 10:18 AM
I have a coworker who does that to me all the time. I think it's partly subconscious jealousy (she was comfortable with my role as 'the fat one') and partly fear of change. People don't like to think you might leave them behind, even if they don't know that's what they're afraid of.
Good for you for resisting her efforts to derail you! Sounds like she needs to stay at arm's length until she can respect your new lifestyle.
02-06-2010, 10:30 AM
She doesn't sound like she is acting like a friend! Good for you and standing firm on your plan. Who really knows why she did this...not very nice, though.
02-06-2010, 10:49 AM
I would point out to her in the nicest possible way that when she does things like that it feels like sabotage. She may have deluded herself into consciously thinking she's being "fun loving" instead of unconsciously inviting you to fail. No need to be overly confrontive--but maybe she'll get the drift if you say something.
02-06-2010, 10:51 AM
Well done on standing firm!!! I think your friend may be doing this because she feels threatened by your weight loss plan.
I have been in her place before and I had a friend in college who suddenly became a gym rat and that was all she could talk about and I felt really threatened by how I perceived it would change our friendship which had been based on long conversations making fun of "poseur" athletes at our school and long late brunches and baking and late night meals. So imagine suddenly, all she wants to do is work out or talk about working out, or getting into fitness modelling, or training for a race. And at that time, I wasn't in that place at all. And so obviously we grew apart.
So I understand where your friend is coming from in that sense. I think a key thing in my plan when I first started was that I didn't talk about it much with friends who were not also going through the same thing or trying to get fit. . . and if for example eating out was our thing before, we still did it, I just ordered different things and so it didn't feel to them like they were losing our friendship.
02-06-2010, 10:58 AM
I am sorry your friend is not being more supportive. Good for you for sticking to your plan and not letting her derail you.
02-06-2010, 11:27 AM
It can be scary when the dynamics of a relation change, and a significant weight loss and change in eating habits can be a big trigger for that. Whether she's used to your role as "the fat friend" while she's the thinner and more attractive one, or if she's also overweight and you were an eating buddy - things are different now.
Since you've tried talking to her and that hasn't helped, I'd just keep doing what you did - make your plan and stick to it, and whatever the reasons behind it, don't let her derail you. Great job!!!
02-06-2010, 11:29 AM
WTG - congrats to you!!
02-06-2010, 11:30 AM
marigrace, congratultions on sticking to your diet. It will payoff in the longrun. People who act like your friend are called diet sabotogers. Who knows why they do it ? Jeolousy, fear ? Stay strong. eventually she will see that you are serious and hopefully she will even become supportive of you.
02-06-2010, 11:44 AM
I think some people really think you want them to derail you: it's a pact--you get to feel virtuous for trying, they get to feel like nice people when they see you enjoy the food you shouldn't be eating. I've known any number of people where this "pact" worked both ways, with people switching roles as tempter and tempted. If someone is used to that sort of dynamic, normal social cues--comments like "oh, no, I couldn't" just sounds like steps in a dance they are used to. You have to sit them down in a non-food context and tell them that they have to stop nagging you/offering food, that you really are completely serious. Once you've had that conversation, you can't discuss eating or food with them ever again--if you bring it up, they fall back into the pattern.
02-06-2010, 12:05 PM
[QUOTE=Shmead;3138516]I think some people really think you want them to derail you: it's a pact--you get to feel virtuous for trying, they get to feel like nice people when they see you enjoy the food you shouldn't be eating.
(lol) I have never felt virtuous in my life...all kidding aside, I don't think there is a pact here. I might be wrong, but I think that it is a combination of two things...
1) she sees dieting as punishment, and eating as celebration.
2) she needs to lose a few lbs herself, but as long as I am heavier it makes her feel better.
02-06-2010, 01:22 PM
Kudos for staying on plan and not letting her efforts to derail your weightloss succeed!
02-06-2010, 02:04 PM
You got it Marigrace...this is about her...not YOU! Although it is messing with you :( I wonder if she thinks with your changes that your relationship will change too.
02-06-2010, 03:19 PM
She has many worthwhile traits. But there is a very competitive side that is hard to ignore . I have to stop and think, would I do or say that to her ? The answer is no. I don't want to offend...maybe I should tell her that it feels like sabotage, as jayell suggests... but I don't know how she would take that.... Anyway, I guess I probably should.
02-06-2010, 05:47 PM
That is some great pre-planning. It would be great if everyone in our lives formed a circle of support. Unfortunately they don't, but you were there fir yourself when you needed it.
02-07-2010, 09:55 AM
I have a close friend like this. I don't think she's competitive with me and seems to be supportive of my loss overall. She and I are about the same size right now. I think, and she has alluded to this as well, that she does not want me to become obsessed with my food intake. She is kind of a foodie that enjoys eating and wants others to partake as well. I'm not the only one she pushes to eat. We have a mutual friend that is very thin, naturally, who has struggled/s with an ED. I just try to let it roll off. She has gotten better over time and will let it go if you are firm with her.
02-07-2010, 10:31 AM
Hi, losermom, I think that the description of your friend could somewhat apply to mine....every time i turn down treats, or meals that are not in keeping with my choice, i meet with a certain amount of patronizing sarcasm. That makes me want to avoid being in her company at all. She keeps saying i'm punishing myself...surely i would be ...if i went back to consuming alcohol and munchies like we used to. I keep having to remind her that this IS what I WANT. I think I will just have to use the word "sabotage" the next time it happens.
02-07-2010, 02:10 PM
Marigrace, I think your friend is a saboteur as you describe. My friend is neither patronizing or sarcastic when we decline. I'm sorry you to tell you this, but you will run into more people like your friend as you continue on your journey. Some of my "friends" have said some pretty crappy things to me, and others in my presence about me, during my journey. My friend I told you about has been really very supportive of my lifestyle change--she just really likes food. lol.
The best part about friends is that you get to choose which ones you want to be around! You may decide that your "friend" is really not your friend after all. But don't worry, we are all your friends here--that's what 3fc is all about!
02-07-2010, 02:23 PM
Thanks losermom you're swell !
02-08-2010, 08:18 AM
I started this post on what I thought was an upbeat note. I guess I never really saw the dark side of what was happening. I'm sorry I know am beating this horse to death, but in a way it is about me after all. I have allowed myself to be placed in a defensive position. Whatever the reason , intentional or not, I have to confront this more forcefully. Thank you to everybody for helping me with this.