100 lb. Club - Dealing with an Unforseen Divorce

View Full Version : Dealing with an Unforseen Divorce

01-30-2010, 02:15 PM
So...I've been married 9 months, and have a 1 year old son with my husband. just to twart any issues, my husband and I tried for the baby after we were engaged a while bc we had the baby fever. my husband divulged the fact that he is so unhappy in the relationship (first I'm hearing this) that he wants a divorce. And then he went and had drunk sex w/someone else after I left his crazy birthday party at his friend's house. After hearing that bit i was like fine, have your divorce.

So needless to say my life is crazy waiting to speak w/my lawyer and trying to pick up the peices of my marriage that i was happy with. I'm starting a FT internship this week, this is my last semester of school, my takes up tons of time, I don't work or have savings.

Given all the stress I've become lax in my diet, bc honestly when I feel like throwing up all day from the emotional onslaught I tend to eat w/e I want when I am finally hungry.

the good news is that I havent had a measurable gain through this so far. the frustrating weight-wise news is that when I didnt wear my shapewear cami under a long sleeve t-shirt yesterday my dad mentioned that I shouldnt let his situation effect my weight. Given the situation I wanted to tell him to f**k himself. Alas, I did not.

I wanted to get that out there a bit, maybe you cyber space 3fc-ers can be of support due to the fact that my support system is comprised largely of unmarried 20 somethings and moms who've been single all along.

01-30-2010, 02:39 PM
I know at least ten couples under 30 and eight of those were all under age 25 who are divorced. I don't think people take time to get to know themselves before they commit to someone else 'forever'. The guys I have known from those couples were all just too immature for family life, or rather they really weren't ready to commit to it and be adults. They get scared and try to find ways to get out. You're still really young and the best thing for you to do is take care of yourself and your son.

01-30-2010, 02:53 PM
If you have a child, you still have him on the hook for at least 18 years of child support. You need to make sure you keep your child and that you are well and taken care of-- that is the most important issue.

If he is desperately unhappy, then there is not much you can do but go on with your life. If he's having drunk sex with people he finds on the street then you are at risk of disease, and that is not a safe way to go either. There is absolutely nothing you can do about someone who thinks only about themselves. He seems like a bratty child, and you don't need another child in the house. Find yourself a man-- an adult-- who understands loyalty, and what it means to raise a family--not just a narssicist who looks like a man.

01-30-2010, 02:58 PM
Oh my...I am so sorry! Take good care of yourself.

01-30-2010, 03:15 PM
Wow...you have your hands full young lady. I am sorry you are going through this and the pain of it sucks as I know full well. But know that you will be ok on the other side of this as deeply as it hurts now.

I was married at 23 and divorced at 29...I had the fairy tale marriage that ended very abruptly when he had an affair with a coworker. I was devestated beyond words and I didnt think I would survive.

But here I am 13 years later and loving life and doing fine without him...the him I swore I couldnt live without turned out to be not so much the guy I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. Dodged that bullet!

So, your son and your health and well being are your focus now. Let this unhappy man go get his poop in a group without dragging you along with him. You have plenty to handle without trying to figure out what his deal is.

Your dad could have been kinder in his words but I think he had the right intention. This change in your life can derail you or motivate you...its your choice. I hope you choose the latter and use this adversity to prove to yourself that you are strong and accomplished and can get it done no matter what!

01-30-2010, 03:41 PM
I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. :hug:

01-30-2010, 03:46 PM
I am sorry you are dealing with this. Stay strong and committed to yourself and your son. GL

01-30-2010, 04:09 PM
I know from personal experience how painful this is. Take one day at a time. Make sure that you and your child are taken care of financially.

01-30-2010, 04:39 PM
Wishing you all the best as you go through this extremely difficult period.

01-30-2010, 09:23 PM
Thanks ladies. i really appreciate it. I'm starting to cope with this issue by being very pramatic, allowing myself to become more obssessed with details of life, than of life itself. Everything feels overwhelmings and foggy, so i focus in on the one thing I can control that moment. for example, i spent an hour straightening and vacuuming, bc I knew I could get it done. Just pushing through, one minute at a time.

01-30-2010, 11:16 PM
What I will say is just keep inhaling and exhaling. Sometimes it's all you can do. Stay focused and take care of yourself. It's important for your son that you do because you have to be at your best so he can have some sort of security. I can't imagine the pain you are experiencing but I wish you the best.

01-31-2010, 07:39 AM
I haven't been through anything similar so I don't have any advice but my heart goes out to you. Stay strong for your special little darling son. :hug:

mel hughes
01-31-2010, 09:14 AM
Really sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine how I would handle a similar situation.
Stay strong for you and your son. Like you said about the cleaning up- same thing with your weight loss. With everything else spinning out of control around you, you CAN control what you eat and how active you are. Take out some of those bad feelings at the gym or whatever form of exercise you use.

Be good to yourself. And I would say be sure you don't bottle up your feelings. I hope you have at least one good friend or family member you can really vent to.
I know keeping my feelings under is never good for me.

Good luck!

02-02-2010, 09:01 PM
si i'v e decided to file a separation & support agreement, so I can hopefully have enough time to try and fix this before a divorce would be finalized. My fingers are crossed, but at the same time I am trying to focus moreso on my happiness and personal/professional goals. I've decided to be my best and fufill myself and hope he comes around to remembering the good stuff & the importance of working out our differences.

02-02-2010, 11:53 PM
Poor sweetie. I am so sorry for you!
My advice would be to try to maintain at the weight you are now without trying to lose while you navigate through this new territory. Life is hard enough when you are dealing with divorce/custody issues. I have been there myself the last 3 years and am now again trying to lose the weight after finally getting custody settled. Best of luck to you.

02-03-2010, 12:25 AM
I don't have much to say on this since it is such a personal issue, but, I do want to say... YOU DESERVE BETTER. I also can't exactly blame you for feeling the way you do about losing weight at the moment, but, you will also feel better faster if you keep taking care of yourself.

You'll get through this.

I'm sorry about your situation, and I'm giving you a super big internet hug right now, along with sending good vibes your way!

02-03-2010, 08:18 AM
I am sooooo sorry you are going through this. It's really hard when you don't see it coming. I divorced my Husband after 1 year of marriage, and our daughter was only a few months old. We did get back together til a few months ago, when I kicked his butt out for good. Men can be EXTREAMLY selfish. You have to take a long hard look and see if he's worth fighting for, if not, learn to except that his is going to be in your life forever, but move on with yours. You have to be happy. Your child needs it. I'm learning that now more than ever with a 2 year old. My ex is a nutcase, while he loves his daughter, he's a crappy father. He is very irresponsible and really does not want the task of truely taking care of our daughter. He gets supervised visiation at my home now due to his stupidity. It's going to be hard. Let yourself have a comfort meal from time to time, don't totally take it away. If at all possible tweek your comfort meal and reduce the calories if you can. i.e eat only 1/2, get no mayo, use light product, etc. But remember your weight loss is for you, and you don't want to let him take that away from you. You can always get back on track no matter what. :hug:

Lori Bell
02-03-2010, 09:58 AM
Take him to the cleaners. Drunk or not, sleeping around is sleeping around. He'll do it til the cows come home. Don't even try to "fix it", you'll be setting yourself up for heart break and mental torture, (and reason to comfort eat) for years to come.

Also, it is just as easy to eat good food as it is comfort food, (junk). Don't let this be just another excuse to keep eating crap. It isn't necessary. It doesn't make you feel better, (for more than about 5 minutes)...it makes you feel worse.

Sorry you are going through this. You will heal, it's your son who will have the hardest time with it...for years to come. Poor kiddo.

02-03-2010, 04:11 PM
I agree with Lori. This guy doesn't deserve you. The sooner you get him out of your life, the sooner you'll be happy. As the saying goes, "Expect skunks to stink." Sure, people can change, but I don't see it coming for him.

I will say that you will feel so much better if you keep up your healthy efforts through this. Knowing that you are making the right choices to take care of yourself and your son and knowing that you do have control over some parts of your life will help.

Food isn't the only thing that makes us feel better. Exercise - taking a walk, a vigourous weight lifting workout (nothing like counting to ten 100 times while pushing steel!), or just keeping your routines can help a lot! Talking to a friend or family member or your higher power, petting your dog/cat, journaling, coming here to 3FC, or the thing we all seem to avoid - Crying! It's okay and it helps!

Please whatever you do, stay in school. A degree will give you and your son the future you deserve and keep you independent of a man for financial support! Don't give that up regardless of what happens!! I have witnessed lots of amazing women graduate from college and even get thier MBAs as a single mom living paycheck to paycheck. It is hard, but it can be done! You can do it!

Hugs and prayers!

02-03-2010, 08:10 PM
I appreciate all the support! And while I do agree that he's been acting pretty horrible lately, i also know that I love him and so does my son. I think that a marriage deserves more than 9 months to work out. I've been focus on my internship/school work, and taking care of my son. My hope is that my husband will come around. I'm not trying to make him change, I'm just hoping that in time, he'll want to change, and if not, he'll be left behind in the dust.

02-03-2010, 08:17 PM
I appreciate all the support! And while I do agree that he's been acting pretty horrible lately, i also know that I love him and so does my son. I think that a marriage deserves more than 9 months to work out. I've been focus on my internship/school work, and taking care of my son. My hope is that my husband will come around. I'm not trying to make him change, I'm just hoping that in time, he'll want to change, and if not, he'll be left behind in the dust.

You are very, very strong! I've never been married or anything, but my parents divorced when I was very young so I've seen that situation unfold.. I think it's great that you're focusing on YOU and your son... and that you're willing to try IF your husband is. Either way, I'm sending you lots of positive thoughts and I hope everything works out. :hug:

02-04-2010, 09:00 AM
I don't have much advice, but I'm sorry you're going through this. Drunk sex w/ someone else would be a deal breaker for me, but then just thinking about *not* having my dh around makes me sick, so I don't know what I would do in your situation.

Keep your chin up though. :hug:

02-05-2010, 05:06 PM
okay, so here's another update, my son & i are awaiting news as to wether or not we will be moving to my mothers house on valentine's day of all things. My husband is not coming around to the lets fix this side of things, and his emotional problems are becoming more and more apparent. I have too many other things to do to ensure the safety & security of my son & myself to be worrying about my husbands mental health. especially considering that he has no interest in fixing it. So we drafted a separation agreement that my lawyer will revise & approve as soon as me and my son have somewhere safew to lvie.

thanks again for all of your support, it means alot to me.

p.s. i'm down to the 240's!!! All this stress and still losing appropriately. woohoo!