How do you deal with people who tell you that you should just eat better and you'll lose the weight? I shared with my mother I was considering WLS and that was her response. She said her sister changed her eating and now is thin and so did her mother. They went 100% vegan and all that. So did my dad - only he went 100% raw food vegan and lost tons of weight. So she thinks I should just do that and avoid the surgery. Well that's great if you can do that. Not to mention my husband thinks eating that way is unnatural and stupid. His only worry about WLS is losing me or that it won't work. I have tried to change my eating to more vegan - it's absolutely miserable, esp since my DH isn't on board. He says I should just exercise more. I have exercised my butt off (well not literally obviously) and I can't seem to budge the scale more then a few pounds. I woke up the other day and realized unless I did something more drastic I may be fat my entire life. It's sobering and scary. DH said it was the "easy way out" even if it was more painful. What do I tell him? How can I bring him around? He's telling me it's the ultimate lazy way - to just lay there and have it done. I'm so angry and hurt I don't know what to do. Thanks for listening.
01-26-2010, 02:39 PM
Check out this thread - http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/weight-loss-surgery/190255-sceptic-asking-answers.html - there are a lot of good comments on it that relate to your question.
bottom line, it's gonna come down to you educating yourself - and your husband [let's leave the rest of the family out of it for now!] about the different surgeries, the post-op way of life [and i'm not talking about the first year or so, i'm talking about the 10 years down the road way of life!!!! most people can tolerate anything for the first year or so, but it's LATER where things get more difficult].
perhaps most important: ya gotta find a way that works FOR YOU - not for your mom, your aunt, your dad, or even your DH. FOR YOU!!! they're not walking in your shoes. and if they absolutely refuse to respect your choices [trust me - we know what that's like!], it'll probably be an off-limits topic.
breathe, honey. take your time - don't rush into anything. and that includes a live-food, vegan diet! there was a time that i'd gotten into my head that salad dressing was disgusting - and i ate 2-4 pounds of fruit and vegs, with almost no fat, per day.
yes i lost weight. but it didn't STAY off. this eating pattern was not sustainable. <but i had great skin!!!>
01-26-2010, 03:12 PM
As much as we all love to support each other and offer our best opinions and views, please understand that this forum is NOT the place for telling someone who's considering surgery to 'just try it again.' As a reminder, Jennifer 3FC posted a sticky on this forum, and, since some folks are so eager to respond rather than read it, i've cut and pasted it below.
This is a reminder that this part of 3FC is a weight loss surgery support forum. As the title of the forum suggests, If you've had it, or are considering it, share your discussions here. This is the one area of the forum that the WLS members should be able to post without worry of defending or justifying their decisions. (It's sad that there has to be justification to begin with!)
If you do not agree with weight loss surgery, this forum is not for you.
If you want to debate weight loss surgery or if you want to stop anybody from having surgery, this forum is not for you.
If members post about WLS in other areas of the forum, you are more than welcome to give your two cents about the surgery, but this is the SUPPORT forum. Debates can be taken up in the general areas by all members, including WLS and non-WLS.
And last but not least, our WLS members are not scientific subjects here for you to try and understand why they did it. If you want to know, then please get to know them by reading their posts, and learn that way. There is no short answer, and these kinds of questions do ask for a lot of heart and soul for a personal answer.
•If you are here to make a decision, feel free to ask specific questions that you may have, but don't ask in general 'why did you do it' or 'what is it like' etc. If you are serious about weight loss surgery, and making the commitment to surgery, then you need to start with the discipline to read and study on your own and get all the facts.
•If you are here for general inquisitiveness, please don't ask but do feel free to read.
There is no right answer from any member here. If you want surgery, you need to check out every detail and decide how you feel this fits your life. This is a very personal decision. If you're seriously considering surgery, I'm sure you understand why this post is necessary.
01-26-2010, 03:36 PM
As a vegan, I will say that many vegans/vegetarians lose weight because they don't know what to eat or because they went from one extreme (highly processed food/fast food) and then switching to a vegan diet, they can no longer go back to the old triggers.
As someone who ate healthy prior to being vegan and then switching to a healthy vegan diet, I still have the same issues I had prior. I love bread, which is vegan, I love nuts/nut butters, which are vegan and I still have to control my portions. I know you may think the magical cure may be switching your diet to a vegan diet and although I love following a vegan diet, I realize it doesn't suit everyone. The path of family members may not be your path and you must realize you have to find what is right for you.
Anyway, I think Jiffy has the right idea. Overall, your husband needs to be on board with you and maybe if you have a doctor's visit/consultation, take your husband with you? Are there support groups in your area for WLS patients, would it be possible to go and take your husband?
I don't know, if it was the easy way out, I think husbands, daughters, sons, parents, etc around the world would be pushing people to have WLS. I don't know why someone who thinks it was the easy way out would distract you from going in that direction. My husband has seen my struggle with weight loss from the first day of our relationship and if he thought there was an easy way, I'm sure he'd be the first one to support me.
Overall, I think we all have our struggles and we truly all need to find our own path. I wish you the best in finding yours.
01-26-2010, 06:18 PM
Dear Jgray: I'm old and had tried everything to lose weight. I did try the "raw" way of life.........UM, my bowels were regular. I'm not knocking vegan lifestyle, but it didn't work well for me; I wasn't able to sustain my weightloss or the "raw" way of life. Nothing had until I had WLS. I'm over two years out and fight food addiction everyday, but I'm slimmer and healthier. I had to decide on my own what was going to be my "life" after so many years of morbid obesity. It took me two years of research: reading, asking, insurance hoops, DH's concerns before I finally said I want to have a quality of life....well, just life period. I'd been told by many people, including my physician, that I needed to try harder, have more will-power, get up and exercise........... I wish that I had WLS earlier because my body is so damaged from excess weight. If you can do it any other way besided WLS, go for it. If you can't, don't let anyone else impose their way of "healthy lifestyle" on you. Good luck my dear!
01-26-2010, 06:56 PM
I just wanted to chime in with the others that a vegan life isn't a guarantee of weight loss. I've been vegetarian since I was a teenager. My diet is pretty close to vegan because I very very rarely have eggs or milk products... but ice cream is my one non-vegan weak point. ;) I've had times in my life when I was technically vegan. Most of my time i've been obese. I was obese as a teenager before going nearly vegan, and obese afterwards (for the most part).
Now a raw diet is even more extreme than simply going vegan. I'm certain there are health benefits, but it sounds like such a diet isn't realistic for you as a "lifestyle change". I think you gotta be pretty committed to the bit if you want sustained weight loss from a raw diet. And i can promise you that weight loss is NOT inevitable even with a raw diet. There are plenty of high-calorie/fat raw foods that can get you in trouble quickly.
Plus... weight isn't all about diet. For many people, it just isn't that simple. You could have a very slow metabolism or any number of medical conditions that would make weight loss difficult. From what i can understand, for some people certain types of WLS (like RNY or DS) are the only way to fight against their body's natural tendency to stay obese. I'm not a doctor, but just learning a lot from reading about the experiences of others and the opinions of medical professionals.
I guess I am saying all of this to say that the raw vegan diet isn't the 'perfect solution' for everyone (or even most people). It's hard to maintain for a variety of reasons, and it isn't a magic bullet sort of diet.
I hear ya about not having a husband totally of board. It sounds like he isn't quite with you 100% on either the raw food diet or the WLS. I think his support is key - whatever form that support may take. It'd be wonderful to have other family on board - but I'd worry most about your husband since you obviously live with him and interact with him more than anyone. If you had his support, it could make it easier to deal with the criticisms of others.
Would your husband be willing to read some information on the surgery? I know I have a HARD time getting my husband to read anything, though. LOL Maybe he'd be willing to attend a seminar? Or...are there any pro-WLS tv shows that might get him on board (at least to see that it isn't an "easy way") I don't know what these resources may be... but it sounds like he has a lot of preconceived ideas about WLS and maybe if he did some research he would better understand it and be able to offer you better support. Maybe someone here can point out some WLS resources that would be support person/husband friendly.
Ok... I've typed a lot of words. Mostly i just wanted to give you this: :hug:
01-26-2010, 07:04 PM
I'm sorry it doesn't seem that you hve many supportive people around you. Not a very open-minded lot.
At the end of the day, only you can make the decision about what's right for you, no-one else can give you that answer. You are the one that will go through it. Does it really matter what their opinions are? Its your life, only you can live it.
Maybe its time to tell them to "Go to H-E-L-L" (Sorry, don't know if I am allowed to use that word here)
Good luck with whatever you decide.
01-26-2010, 10:17 PM
pssst - Tigz - i have it on good authority that the moderators in this forum are pretty tolerant of language :devil:
01-26-2010, 11:13 PM
Guys you are all awesome!! Your support is really wonderful, and I really needed to feel like someone was hearing me, so thank you all for responding! I've pretty much decided I am going to do it, it's just a matter now of when. I want to have another child soon, and my cousin who completely supports my decision b/c her mother and husband both had WLS said maybe I should do that first and then have the surgery. I'm wondering what you guys think of that? My daughter just turned 3 in January and I'd like to have another child sooner then later. I'm 35, will be 36 in May and I don't want to be 40 with a newborn. It would definately give me time to be on a doctor monitered 6 month WL program required by the insurance. I plan to have the DS surgery, and I've found a surgeon already as well. Dr. Greenbaum in New Jersey. Anyone know him? I'll have to travel to have it done since they don't do DS in Maine. I will talk to my doctor about when I should get pregnant, but just wondering what you ladies think!
thanks again for your support! and thanks for taking that other post off. I almost cried when I read it.
01-27-2010, 10:14 AM
Greenbaum looks good - how did you decide on him? Willingboro isn't exactly next door to you!!! [i found an interesting paper from 2005 in PubMed - see below for abstract]. HOWEVER, i work near Willingboro, so ya never know! we might actually meet!!! glad you're here!!!
Surg Obes Relat Dis. 2005 Jan-Feb;1(1):22-4.
Unanticipated findings at bariatric surgery.
Greenbaum D, Friedel D.
Lourdes Medical Center of Burlington County, Willingboro, New Jersey 18046, USA. firstname.lastname@example.org
BACKGROUND: Obesity is associated with an increased prevalence of various intra-abdominal malignancies. There is little consensus as to the screening of the morbidly obese for these malignancies, and there are no guidelines for screening these subjects before bariatric surgery or performing a survey examination during abdominal bariatric surgery. METHODS: A prospective analysis of 400 consecutive patients (362 women and 38 men) undergoing gastric bypass surgery was performed to identify the incidence of unanticipated intra-abdominal pathology. RESULTS: All patients underwent abdominal exploration via an upper midline abdominal incision before gastric bypass surgery. Of the 400 patients, abnormalities were found in 31 (8%); 25 of these abnormalities were related to the ovaries. In only three cases (one case each of carcinoid of the appendix, Sertoli-Leydig cell tumor of the ovary, and serous cystadenocarcinoma of the ovary) would there have been a significant difference in the patient's prognosis had the problem been left undiagnosed. CONCLUSION: It is reasonable to at least evaluate the ovaries in all female patients before proceeding with weight-loss surgery.
PMID: 16925197 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]
01-27-2010, 10:47 AM
So glad to hear you've managed to pick up your spirits! You go girl!
So glad to hear the moderators are language tolerant too! Where's the swear box?
Personally, I would have another baby first. Simply because your body and your weight will be going to change just through being pregnant. I found it a lot easier to eat well and diet through both my pregnancies and lost 24lbs+ during both of them. It was a great little bonus for me once my babies were born! Once your baby is here, you won't need to worry about any problems that might arise from pregnancy and you can concentrate on you. But these are just my thoughts, you will know whats best for you.
Good luck anyway, I hope both things go well and be sure to keep us informed!
01-27-2010, 11:20 AM
LOL, Tigz - but just so you know - it's the WLS forum mods that are somewhat flexible - don't go swearing in the other forums!!!! you'll get a bad reputation!
01-27-2010, 04:10 PM
Everyone in my family freaked out when I told them I was going to have WLS. My mom reacted very similar to yours even though she had watched me struggle with weight my whole life. I decided to have it anyways and she came out to help out even though she didn't agree. While I was in the hospital she ended up having a very long talk with my surgeon and I still am not totally sure what he said to here but she changed her entire thinking after that and agreed with me that I was doing the right thing. Sometimes other people don't understand because they aren't educated enough. Maybe it would help if your mom went through some of the doctor and nutrition classes with you to see what's really involved. Regardless, you'll have to do what is right for you. I hope it all works well!
01-27-2010, 04:52 PM
Thanks guys! Now to talk to my doctor and start trying to get pregnant. I know I can b/c I had a MC last August. very upsetting b/c I really wanted that baby. It's so crazy but I feel so much better about myself and about life in general b/c I feel like I have hope! I will be thin and healthy and be able to do active things with my daughter! Before deciding on the WLS I was very depressed about trying to lose weight. It was such an uphill battle for me. Just the knowldge that I can do something about it that will WORK has really made me feel a lot better about myself!
My mom has type 2 diabetes and is the same size I am. She is where I learned to pretend there wasn't a problem. I've avoided confronting it for so long or admitting how much I hate being fat and unable to find the energy to do little things even, like clean the whole house in one sitting. I have to stop and take breaks, you know? I'd just like to spend a couple hours and get the whole thing done! Or go hiking or cross country skiiing or swimming or horseback riding again. I want a life! I want to take dance classes and dance with my daughter! I want to sing in front of church without wondering if people are judging how I look.
So I have the doctor appointment on 2/10 and we'll go from there. I have a phone consult with Dr. Greenbaum on 2/5. I'm looking forward to talking with him. He is one of the best, I've heard, for doing DS. I'm not going to have that done here where they rarely do it. I want someone who's done it so many times he doesn't consider it a challenge anymore. Well, you know what I mean! lol Maine doesnt' have a lot - but there are a few good hospitals within 1/2 hour in every direction, and there is a small hospital 5 minutes from my house. But honestly, I'm very healthly for the shape I'm in and I recover quickly. I've had a c-section and my appendix out.
Okay, well I've rambled on enough now! Thanks for listening!!
01-27-2010, 05:28 PM
there are some really good Dr's out of Mass General. not sure where you are in ME, my best friend Kim went to a Dr. in Boston for the lap band, happy to get the name if you would like.
01-28-2010, 09:22 AM
Hi Linda!!! it's great to see you!!! and i thought the same thing, when Jessi said that she was coming all the way down HERE for the surgery. SOOO, i went into obesity help to see what the deal was with Boston - and no one does the DS in Boston! i was VERY VERY surprised to see that.
Greenbaum was one of the first fellows trained in this - i had to check!!!! - and he's published, and is active in ASMBS, and gives outcomes presentations. so i'm figuring that Jessi's in good hands here.
and isn't this BIZARRE??? that there's something that HARVARD doesn't do?????
01-28-2010, 10:28 AM
I am NOT suprised. We have EXCELLENT medical care here in Boston but I have found that for the very special surgeries in personal care, WLS and plastics, that there is a far better market in NY than in Boston. many people are willing to travel there for surgery. Boston draws from all over northern new england where NY draws from a much much larger population and wealthier community making a better place to practice some of the specific surgeries.
I am glad J is in good hands, i wish her all the best in her journey and all the ladies here (men too). It can be so hard to make the choice, with all of the outside influances, family friends and anyone else that gets into your head. for me it was one of the reasons I got fat, I let everyone else make me feel bad about me and I wanted to make them all happy, it took into my late 30's to relize that the power belonged to me, i could't make everyone happy and most of all i was making me unhappy.
As i shared with Jiffy, I had plastic surgery, over the over the kids christmas break. I went in for a consult for a TT but decided the recoup on lipo would be easier over all and I really just wanted to look better and feel better in my cloths. I told a few friends, one thought I was crazy, others were envoius, but I never told my family, and frankly have no intentions of telling them any time soon. I did not tell my kids either, I just said I had girl surgery and that was enough for them (ok I have 2 boys so it was enough to send them running)
My husband was not really on board for this. he loved me the way I was, but I needed this for me. I finally had to say to him, I did not need his permission, what I needed was his help and if he did not feel he could help me I would make arrangements for finding someone who could. I think he did not want to apear to be that big an ***, so he was a great help when knew it was a go with or with out him.
Chosing your Dr./procedure is about what is most comfortable to you, and making an informed choice is never a bad thing. Ultimately you don't have to spend the rest of your life hating yourself because it pleases other people.
Thanks for letting me participate in your forum, I read it all the time and I admire all of you who have chosen to have surgeries and even those that have not.
be well my friends and happy living!
01-28-2010, 01:07 PM
Great attitude about your TT Linda! I'm not surprised your husband got on board about the whole thing after he saw how committed you were to it.
I bet you look and feel fabulous!
The Phantom Lurker,
01-28-2010, 01:33 PM
Good to see you Chikadee! how are you! it has been a while since I have seen you around, I hope you are still doing well and still happy with your WLS...
I am 5 weeks out from Lipo of flanks, upper/lower abs and bra roll, feeling great about my body, which has been a long time coming, maybe ever? my cloths fit, I can wear a dress, which I honestly have not worn a skirt or a dress in well forever because of the muffin top. I hope to be healed by summer (4m-1 year is what most Dr's say) as for looking great, I think that is always a work in progress :-)
01-28-2010, 02:15 PM
At some point I want a tummy tuck and probably some lipo. Of course, i would have to be closer to goal weight to do it. I would love to wear a dress, but the tummy just looks goofy when I wear one!
As far as WLS, I don't regret it, but am obviously not where I wanted to be at this point. I think it worked, but I haven't always worked it! Overall though, I am much healthier and happier than I was before surgery, so I'm glad I did it. I think I like food too much to ever be really skinny :).
At 51, I'm still a work in progress too and will be til the day I die. Nice to see you!
01-28-2010, 02:33 PM
it's great to see you both around here!!!!!!
01-28-2010, 10:32 PM
I tried to respond earlier but my internet tanked so here I am again! I decided on the DS because it seems to be the one with good long term results and doesn't have as many life changing side effects. I found Dr. Greenbaum and decided I liked his experience. I'll probably drive down - feel like company Jiff? LOL I have no idea when this might take place. I wanted to have another child but my husband is scared to death that we can't afford 2 kids. I also think he has some fears that when I lose the weight he might lose me. Not something he should really worry about.
I told one friend, the only one I thought would be supportive, my "thin" friend as my DH calls her. She has never had a weight problem but I knew she wouldn't do the negative response thing that happens when you tell your fat friends you're going to change your life or when you lose weight. She was great and it felt so good to talk to someone about it who was actually listening to my concerns and hopes and not telling me to diet and exercise more because this time of course it will work. I know that my DH will fall into line once I talk to the doctor and he sees that this is actually healthier then staying the way I am now.
L - thats awesome about being able to wear a dress and feeling great about your body! Congrats!
01-31-2010, 02:24 AM
Congratulations on making the big decision!! :carrot: How exciting that you have an appointment scheduled.
Personally, I would wait until you've had the baby and you are done breastfeeding before going for the surgery. I'm so sorry to hear about your MC. :hug: I know that can make the whole process of trying to get pregnant again so scary and stressful. Do you think that money is the real reason why your husband is worried about having another child - or is it possibly connected to the pain of losing your child in August?
If his concerns truly are financial, I'd remind him that there is almost never an "ideal time" to have a child. Seriously. If everyone waited until things were perfect before having kids, no one would ever have kids. :dizzy: Most of the time, it's a fear of "what ifs" -- and those will never go away. So if you both really desire another child, i bet you can find a way for it to work financially.
I'm sending you lots of fertile vibes and I wish you all the best! What an exciting time in your life! :hug:
01-31-2010, 09:09 AM
OMG, MAMA!!!! that's what my mother used to say - 'if everyone waited to have children until they were 'ready,' it will never happen - there's never a perfect time!!' and mom ended up with 4 of us.
01-31-2010, 11:06 AM
OMG, MAMA!!!! that's what my mother used to say - 'if everyone waited to have children until they were 'ready,' it will never happen - there's never a perfect time!!' and mom ended up with 4 of us.