Weight Loss Support - What to do when a significant other wants you to lose weight too?

Warning, very long...

I've always been super sensitive about my weight and I always wanted whoever I was with at the time to take me as-is. Anyone who had negative things to say, I always kicked to the curb, but was never actually in love with them.

My boyfriend now says he loves me - and when pushed - will tell me "if i didn't think you were beautiful, I wouldn't be with you" - but also told me "I just don't like wrapping my arms around a girl who is as wide as I am." and " I just don't like fat sex!! " .... and thus, we have had zero intimacy for a very very very long time. Every time I address it (about once a month or so) he tells me that its because I haven't lost weight, despite going to the gym, etc... and will mention diet slip ups, such as taking us both to jack in the box and me getting a meal about once every 2-3 weeks. He will say "THAT aspect of our relationship hasn't changed because the way you look hasn't changed."

I'm hurt and offended, but when I talk about that he always will reply that "thats why i don't like telling you how i feel, because I don't want to hurt your feelings, but...." or he will say that he is tired of my "excuses" (1-2lbs a week is OK with me, etc...) and insists that he can't see any changes and shows me comparison photos of what I looked like 15lbs ago and how I look now.... He explains that I gained weight since we got together (about 15lbs, although - he has.. gained 60 and I haven't said a word other than to invite him to the gym with me) and although I wasn't thin when we got together he was "always just waiting for me to fix that part".

He had made it very clear that he loves me, but isnt sexually attracted to big women, including admitting that its why he hasnt introduced me to some friends and family of his. I went to a drive through that I hadnt been to in about 9 months (but was going to almost daily for a while) with him a few weeks ago and they said "Hi! Haven't seen you in a while!" - of course, I was embarrassed by this - but he said to me "Do you have any idea how humiliating that was for me?" ..... sigh.

Now, I don't know what to do! He has every right to feel that way (i think?) and in a way, part of me thinks he is right. I do have weight to lose, it's probably not very attractive, if i were him, would I want to "do-it" with me? But I also wonder if that isn't just me making excuses for him, maybe allowing something that I shouldn't be allowing and maybe its just my "fat girl insecurity" talking...?

At what point is this OK? When is it OK for your significant other to feel, do (or not do!!!), say etc... these things to you? Granted, I've been saying I'm going to get skinny for YEARS (haven't we all??) but I AM trying - but not like a diet nut. I calorie count, but will be OK with having a surprise slice of pizza... I'm hoping that subtle changes, gym time twice a week, rare fast food, pizza, etc... but not eliminating it COMPLETELY... I just don't know what I can do to be enough or do enough to get the attention that I *need* in the relationship. Not having it makes me feel worse about myself, feel like he is monitoring everything and reminds me that every time he won't wrap his arms around its because i'm "too wide". But - the things he is saying are kind of true. Would you call this tough love or 'tough luck - get out!' ?...

I just don't know whats OK or appropriate at all, nor do I know how to respond besides working even harder and diet restricting even more (which maybe should happen anyway, but I dont want to do it just so he is happier with how I look...?) Also, part of me (the stubborn part) thinks "well, i'm not going to make any changes because I dont want you to think I'm doing this all for you!!!!"

Ideas? Suggestions? Personal Experiences?

OK... ahem... I think I'll just say this without sugar coating. A guy who loves you but doesn't want sex with you and doesn't want to introduce you to his family and friends because you embarrass him isn't really a boyfriend... he's a buddy who lives with you. That's not a bad thing, but if it's not what you want, then you need to start thinking about how to broaden your social life, if you see what I mean.

Also, your weight seems to be identified as "the problem," but anytime someone loves you only if you meet certain conditions, you have to wonder what would be next. And there will be something next...

As for your weight loss... I've seen you around for awhile here. :wave: I'm not sure when you recently began to try losing weight again, but I wonder whether you are really giving it all you've got if you're still visiting fast food places, even if only rarely. What is your plan? Do you count calories? How is that working for you? How often do you get to the gym?

You have to lose weight for you, not for someone else. And you have to give it your all. :yes: People who are obese usually don't casually lose weight. It does take some amount of daily effort and planning and accountability. I don't mean that you're not doing this now--I just mean that from how you described things, I wondered...

OK, time for me to step off :soap:

Good luck to you!
Jay

Kate...the question I need to ask is why are you still with this toxic person? He obviously has an insecurity issue and he is making you part of that. You really need to only have positive people around you. I'm always amazed by beautiful, smart women who allow men to treat them this way and YES you are beautiful and smart! I say run, dont walk away from this guy. (just my two cents)

I second JayEll...this guy isn't looking at you as his "Girlfriend," you're his roommate. He's too immature to accept you and love you the way you are, so you can DEFINITELY do better than this guy..

Having been size 3 when I met hubby and all over the scale the last 18 years I can 100% say I'd kick him to the curb! If I really push and push for an answer I can get dh to admit that he "maybe" prefers with with a bit less flab. However it has never ever affected sex. Ever.

I don't know your age or how long you have been a couple. However if there are problems with keeping the " spark" and in the relationship now imagine years down the road. Do you see it getting better? Probably not. With age comes sag and other issues. Love at least in my opinion kind of gives you rose colored glasses when it comes to sex.

Let me give you an example. I have always thought my hubby was beyond beautiful/gorgeous. I have always been attracted to tall thin guys. He is 6 ft 4 and always well built. Well last winter he got laid off and gained about 30 lbs. All in his gut. It kind of looked like he was pregnant from the side. Was it a turn off? Not at all. I just looked at all the other awesome parts and embraced the belly as just another part of a " package of a guy" I adore. I'm very grateful he does the same.

Someone who loves you takes you as you are. I don't think you losing weight will change a thing. He will just find other reasons then.

I hope none of this comes across as harsh or hurtful. I honestly don't mean it that way. I was in your place when I was young with a guy complaining and acting quite the same when I gained about 15 lbs. I was a whole whopping 115! He was just looking for excuses plain and simple to justify his behavior. If it wasn't the weight he would have fopund some other flaw! I also had a male friend who was so insecure he kept his fat girlfriend a secret . How ridiculous and what a loser.

Lose weight for you and you only. I sure hope this came out right. You are worth so much more than what your getting from this guy. Much more.

No one can tell you, especially someone you don't know on the internet, what you should do in your relationship, but I will go ahead anyway and say that you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't love you and want you as you are right now. There are a few valid reasons for an SO to want you to lose weight (primarily if it's affecting your health), but there's no valid reason to withhold sex and to complain that you aren't attractive. A diet/lifestyle change may be the answer to increasing your confidence or fixing a health problem, but it shouldn't be the answer to improving a relationship.

I, like you said, have always been insistent in my relationship (I married my high school sweetheart, so there's really only been the one), that I be taken and appreciated "as is." I couldn't have it any other way and you shouldn't either. Because even forty pounds ago, I felt loved and wanted - you deserve that too.

I've got to be honest, this guy sucks. It is one thing to want someone to lose weight because of concern for them and completely different to want it for YOURSELF! If he truly cared about you, his concern would show more in support. He wouldn't be going to eat fast food with you while telling you that you need to lose weight. What a jerk.

You need to realize that losing the weight is something you need to do for yourself. I truly believe that when you realize that, your journey will become easier. I lost 50 lbs when I realized that it was time to focus on myself. Keep finding support in people who love you. You will know when someone is being truly supportive, because they will do it in a way that doesn't make you feel horrible.

I believe in you. If I can do it, you can too.

Hmm, well it looks like I might be in a slight minority here on this one...

Let me say first of all, I think you're freaking pretty. And you deserve to feel sexy and desired and wanted and accepted. Sounds like he might be a little blount with his delivery...needs to learn how to be sensitive and compassionate (most guys do...) rather than critical or harsh. No one responds well to negative attention like that. And really, it sounds like sometimes he's just insulting you...which is not healthy in a relationship. You need to get the dynamic right in this relationship before it's forever frozen this way...you trying to please him and feeling like you're failing and him looking down on you or condescending to you.

However...there is something to be said for honesty. I've been with guys in the past who swore up and down that they thought I was attractive and "not fat at aaaallll"...only to find out later, after the breakup, that they really thought I was a porker and were embarassed by me. I wish they'd told me when we were together. At least you know how he REALLY feels even if he is a little brash sometimes. Sexual chemistry is important and he's communicating to you that there are things you could do to improve that. And there are also probably things he could do too. Both of you have a choice. Sounds like you already have your own reasons for wanting to lose weight...add his preferences to the list maybe? (Not top of the list...never).

Good luck. I hope you get this worked out. You sound pretty sure that he does love you and that's what's so important here. Remember your own reasons for wanting to lose weight and don't you dare lose any self worth in this relationship!!!

:hug:

Ok, you gained 15 pounds and he gained 60! OMG! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

Sounds like the "fat sex" is more his problem than yours.:D

He'll probably always be this way, finding fault with one thing or another.

I say, get yourself busy, lose the weight, go to gym more than twice a week and get healthy for yourself and no one else.

Your bf sounds like a "me" person, it's all about "me me me". Yuk. He's making his happiness hinge on what you do and the world doesn't work that way. No matter what you do it will probably never make "him/me" happy.

So, get yourself busy, take care of YOU, and don't worry about him.

Personlly as far as the relationship goes, I'd run like he**. Who needs that crap?

I think that there's a difference between wanting your significant other to lose weight for health reasons, or for lifestyle reasons. I also understand that for some people, thinness is preferred. What your boyfriend is doing is completely different. He actually says he's embarrased by you? Won't introduce you to friends and family?? Embarrased because people at a fast food store know you (so what?)? Honestly, he has a complex. What's not embarrasing to him? I know this sounds harsh, but if I were you, I'd tell him that I'm embarrased to be with someone who is this much of a coward, and then I'd be done with him.

I do understand what body type one is attracted to cannot be changed, but then he should not have gotten involved with you in the first place. You should lose weight for YOU.

I'm not sure what exactly you are trying to salvage in this relationship. What do you like about him? Is he supportive? Loving? Does he make you feel good about youself? Don't settle for less. He is tearing down your self esteem so that you'll stay under his thumb. I'm sorry this is so blunt but you need to leave.

I gained weight since we got together (about 15lbs, although - he has.. gained 60

Saying that he has some cheek would be an understatement... :-O

Put quite simply, do you want to be with someone who loves you unconditionally? Because this guy is putting horrible conditions on you. It's great that you want to lose weight, but you can only lose it for yourself, not for anyone else. Look at all the threads about why we want to lose weight and what we most look forward. I haven't read anywhere where folks are saying they can't wait for their significant others to stop nagging them or they can't wait for their S.O. to no longer be embarrassed by their weight.

Ugh. My heart goes out to you. I truly hope you don't believe his nonsense and that you can see clearly through this.

I am glad that JayEll said it "like it is" because otherwise I would have to do it. What you have is not a boyfriend, at least not a boyfriend who loves for the right reasons. I am sorry but I think you should not stay in this relationship. Who knows, there may be somebody waiting for you who will accept you and love you as you are (regardless whether you plan to lose weight or not).

As an aside, I believe you should plan to visit the gym more than 2x a week - can you make it 3x a week? That would be much better for you. No matter what you do, make sure you are losing weight for yourself and not for the boyfriend.
Best wishes and a Happy 2010 to you.

Thought of something else...

What happens WHEN you lose the weight? Ideally he'd be thrilled, right? You'd be his girlfriend in public and things would go great. But you'll likely loose some in the boob area. Then what if they're too small and he isn't attracted to you because they're not big? Will you get implants for him? What if when you lose weight he thinks you're too "bony"? Will you regain weight for him?

Also, and I almost hate to even bring this up...but a lot of people will regain some or all weight they lost during the journey, and have start again. IF that happened to you, would he cut you off sexually again? Stop taking you out? Tell his friends you're gone until you lose again?

What I'm saying is that with men like this, you may NEVER be good enough. To me it's at the very least bordering on emotional abuse and staying in the situation will do NOTHING but bad things for you.

I don't know your relationship with this guy, but from what you've described it doesn't sound like a healthy one. Again, you deserve better. You deserve to be with a man who loves you and adores you as much at 235 pounds as he would at your goal weight. Don't settle for this guy...you can do better.

Ok, a guys point of view here, He's a moron and acting like a 15 year old in high school with that attitude...I just took a look at your profile and going off of the picture that you have there, I don't know how to break this to ya but you are a hottie (I am happily married to my own hottie so its ok for me to say that ;)) and you wouldn't have an issue finding someone that would love ya unconditionally because what you wrote says that he has certain conditions for which you must fall under in order to get 100% from him. I recently looked at a picture of my wife from a time when she was heavier and thought "I do not remember her ever being that big" and its because I love her unconditionally, she is the love of my life no matter what the wrapper on the outside looks like.

He seems to be a hypocrite as well if he has put on 60 pounds since you met, sounds like the pot calling the kettle black and perhaps he is projecting some of his insecurities in your direction, try telling him that his little man is starting to look like a short stack of quarters behind the chub and watch the look on his face, then ask him how he liked that comment, and you say that "he had made it very clear that he loves me" how so? by belittling you? or making you feel the need to ask for opinions on a forum? or making you feel all warm inside when he says that you embarrass him? or or or or......

Jay makes some good points as well and one has nothing to do with the other because weight loss is not a part of a relationship in my humble opinion, the Jack in the box issue and the boyfriend are not the same problem BUT one of them can be and probably is effecting the other...when you don't feel good about yourself the trips to Jack in the box can and will get more frequent.

if I come off blunt thats just me :)

As Ever
Me

What happens WHEN you lose the weight? Ideally he'd be thrilled, right? You'd be his girlfriend in public and things would go great. But you'll likely loose some in the boob area. Then what if they're too small and he isn't attracted to you because they're not big? Will you get implants for him? What if when you lose weight he thinks you're too "bony"? Will you regain weight for him?

Also, and I almost hate to even bring this up...but a lot of people will regain some or all weight they lost during the journey, and have start again. IF that happened to you, would he cut you off sexually again? Stop taking you out? Tell his friends you're gone until you lose again?


Yea, and what about if you get pregnant and gain 40 lbs during your pregnancy? Will it be no sex again until you return to your pre-pregnancy weight?

...told me "I just don't like wrapping my arms around a girl who is as wide as I am." and " I just don't like fat sex!! " .... and thus, we have had zero intimacy for a very very very long time.


He explains that I gained weight since we got together (about 15lbs, although - he has.. gained 60 and I haven't said a word other than to invite him to the gym with me) and although I wasn't thin when we got together he was "always just waiting for me to fix that part".



At what point is this OK? When is it OK for your significant other to feel, do (or not do!!!), say etc... these things to you?

You do not deserve that. :( Personally, I think your boyfriend sounds immature and insecure -- he can't introduce you to people because he's ashamed of your weight? Seriously? He can't have sex with you because he doesn't like putting his arms around you? He's waiting for you to fix your "problem" before he can commit to treating you like a girlfriend that he's happy and proud to be with? Please.

I had a boyfriend once who didn't want me to meet his friends or family because he thought they'd make fun of me and he wanted to "protect me" from them. He wasn't a boyfriend for long.

I think you're right to expect that the person you love should treat you with respect and love, no matter what size you are. Life brings too many changes for someone to use weight as an excuse to not give their all to a relationship. What if you lost the weight, you guys were all happy and got married, and you got pregnant? Would he be ashamed of you if you gained a lot of weight again? Would he make you feel like crap for having a thick waist, or jiggly boobs?

Personally, next time he said that he didn't like fat sex, I'd pat his tummy and tell him may be it was time he enjoyed sex and stopped worrying about the fat part. ;) (Although, I can almost guarantee he wouldn't like that at all).:devil:

It's possible that he'll grow up and get over the weight issue, or that you'll get tired of it and talk it through to a positive resolution with him. It's also possible that there are many much better men in the world that deserve a wonderful woman like you. Either way, I hope that you don't let his judgement affect your desire to be healthy for yourself. :hug:

What a sticky situation. I thought I'd post b/c lately I've been thinking a lot about the men/weight situation.

I don't have a bf now, but there is someone I'm interested in, that I've known for a couple years (I've posted about him before). Sometimes I feel he's interested, sometimes I feel that my weight has been getting in the way and that he couldn't possibly be attracted to me. However, over the past couple of months I've begun to recognize the importance of confidence. I know it's a cliche, but it just hit me the other day: when I meet a guy, the no.1 thing I look for is confidence. and at my highest weight, I did not have any confidence towards my guy friend (as far as feeling attractive.) He would try and touch me and I might pull away, and looking back I feel like I gave off this air of "I'm insecure, I know I'm not attractive, don't touch me."

Obviously, I'm feeling better these days. What only further proved me point was the other wknd I went out to the bar with some of my gf's. Yes, I had had quite a few beverages, so I had that liquid courage in me... but, (and according to my friends who like to retell the story) something just came over me, i threw off my jacket, and went up and started dancing with this guy who I would have NEVER approached before, and by the end of the night, there was some kissing involved (not my finest night...) I have NO idea what came over me, and i'm happy my mother wasn't there to witness this lol, but had I acted insecure and waited for him to approach me, nothing would have happened. He even got my number, continued to text and call me (we've since lost contact...with my new found confidence and body I don't want to tie myself down now!)

At the same time, with my guy friend, I sometimes get mad and think "well if he doesn't want me now he doesn't deserve me at my goal weight." However, and this is big, I have never pursued/like an overweight guy. I know, this makes me sound like a hypocrit and a shallow person, but I just haven't. Just like I prefer slightly shorter guys to taller guys, darker complexion to fairer complexions.

However, to make things more confusing, I look at my parents who have been happily married for 30 years. On their wedding, my mom probably weighed at most 125 lbs (she's 5'6). After two kids, she's gained probably about 100 lbs, and my dad still adores her. Still kisses her (although it makes me ill to think about that). Would still do ANYTHING for her. And of course, I want that in a guy. I pray I don't ever gain the weight back, but as someone mentioned before, I wouldn't be the first.

Bottom line is, I think it's a tricky situation. I understand that some people are only attracted to fit people (I have been known to be guilty of that...) but I think if you really love someone and the person has the confidence to still FEEL attractive even at a higher weight, it can work. I hope this makes sense. It's something I've been spending A LOT of time thinking about lately.

Ewwww. Sounds like he's addicted to porn. Seriously. Most guys will have sex with any size chick when they've gone without for awhile...except the porno junkies. Anyway, seriously, like Mindi said, there is NO WAY to determine that you'll not regain your weight, (after you lose it). The odds are against you at only 2-4% of the overweight population maintaining weight loss for a substantial amount of time. More than likely, this will be a forever battle with you... According to your pictures and your stats you are an attractive and intelligent person...lots of guys would be thrilled to love you (and have sex too!) Are you really an RN? Could your guy be attracted to your pay check...since he not attracted to you physically?

This guy is cruel, not to mention rude. Why would you want someone like that in your life ? You will never be able to meet his expectations. If it isn't your weight it will be something else. You deserve someone who will love and accept you, no matter what.

Not ok. No way no how.

If not your weight it will be something else. It will always be something else.

Kate, you are deserving of so much more. You deserve to be loved and accepted. I hope you can find this and Mr. Wonderful can go about his merry way trying to find someone else he can badger.

Lori originally posted Sounds like he's addicted to porn. Seriously. Most guys will have sex with any size chick when they've gone without for awhile...except the porno junkies.

I had a thought along the same lines... could he be gay or have
ED or something else that is causing problems with intimacy? Sometimes it is easier for a person to blame someone else rather than to recognize an issue with ourselves. It may be easier for him to say "We aren't having sex because there is something wrong with you." than to say "We aren't having sex because there is something wrong with me."

Just a thought, may not pertain at all.

he got with you, knowing you were overweight, and says he is not attracted to overweight girls? He's "waiting for that part of you to change?" What if you did not decide to lose weigth at all? You would never "change." Sorry, I tend to get in the crowd that says he was not a "boyfriend" at all and is more a "housemate."

I think he is toxic. There is a big difference between honesty and false honesty. I've been married for 18 years and yes there was a time when my weight was an intimacy issue. Probably far more because of how I felt about it than how he felt about it.

But being embarrassed to introduce you to his friends? Refusing intimacy? Being embarrassed that someone he doesnt know who HAPPENS to work at fast food knows you? Seriously? No. This is not honesty, this is something else entirely. Either control or he cant get past some other personal issue that has nothing to do with you and is passing the buck. Either way you could be 120 lbs and there would still be problems and it would still be "your fault". Maybe when you are thin it will be "I cant be intimate with you because I know other guys are looking at you" or "your clothing isnt right" or "it bothers me that as a nurse you deal with disease" The weight is just a convenient complaint. Take it away and there will be something else.

Cut and move on.

Everyone else has pretty much said exactly what I'm thinking! He's a scumbag, you're beautiful and this weight loss should be for you. Get away from him and one day you'll find someone who actually deserves you and treats you right, no matter what weight you are!

Okay this is hard but speaking from experience - married to a guy for 24 years who has been criticizing my weight since I weighed 120 pounds - his problem is him not you! If I had it to do all over again I would RUN not walk away from this. Now moving on and making plans for myself because you cannot make another person "happy" they have to do it for themselves! Do it for yourself only!

Personally, next time he said that he didn't like fat sex, I'd pat his tummy and tell him may be it was time he enjoyed sex and stopped worrying about the fat part. ;) (Although, I can almost guarantee he wouldn't like that at all).:devil:
:

I so love that!!! ROFL!!!:D

Okay this is hard but speaking from experience - married to a guy for 24 years who has been criticizing my weight since I weighed 120 pounds - his problem is him not you! If I had it to do all over again I would RUN not walk away from this. Unfortunately I didn't! Now moving on and making plans for myself because you cannot make another person "happy" they have to do it for themselves! Do it for yourself only!

When I saw the thread topic I imagined a thread about you saying he wants you to lose weight for your health and happiness, or that he wants you to gain confidence. I was heartbroken when I read your post that he wants you to lose weight because he just doesn't like fat girls. The way he's speaking to you, and tearing you down is completely unacceptable. You're man should NEVER make you feel unattractive! What you're describing sounds nothing like love to me.

What a jerk!

That is NOT RIGHT! It's really messed up and I'm upset for you!
:hug:
don't lose weight for him, leave him. It wont get better trust me. you're unhappy right now clearly he's unhappy so why stay together. You are BEAUTIFUL! ( from you icon) and you don't need him!

:hug:

Ok, a guys point of view here, He's a moron and acting like a 15 year old in high school with that attitude...I just took a look at your profile and going off of the picture that you have there, I don't know how to break this to ya but you are a hottie (I am happily married to my own hottie so its ok for me to say that ;)) and you wouldn't have an issue finding someone that would love ya unconditionally because what you wrote says that he has certain conditions for which you must fall under in order to get 100% from him. I recently looked at a picture of my wife from a time when she was heavier and thought "I do not remember her ever being that big" and its because I love her unconditionally, she is the love of my life no matter what the wrapper on the outside looks like.

He seems to be a hypocrite as well if he has put on 60 pounds since you met, sounds like the pot calling the kettle black and perhaps he is projecting some of his insecurities in your direction, try telling him that his little man is starting to look like a short stack of quarters behind the chub and watch the look on his face, then ask him how he liked that comment, and you say that "he had made it very clear that he loves me" how so? by belittling you? or making you feel the need to ask for opinions on a forum? or making you feel all warm inside when he says that you embarrass him? or or or or......

Jay makes some good points as well and one has nothing to do with the other because weight loss is not a part of a relationship in my humble opinion, the Jack in the box issue and the boyfriend are not the same problem BUT one of them can be and probably is effecting the other...when you don't feel good about yourself the trips to Jack in the box can and will get more frequent.

if I come off blunt thats just me :)

As Ever
Me

I agree with what most everyone else has said.. but I like ^that^ because it's from a guys point of view!

I couldn't find ONE positive thing about him in what you wrote. IMHO, he doesn't deserve you. Who is he to set rules for how you have to be? Girl, the only person you should have to answer to is YOU. It sounds like he does plenty to bring you down, but nothing to help you. You've got to follow your heart and do whats right for you, but remember to listen to your head. You're smart and you know that you're trying.. but it will do you no good if the only person you're trying for is HIM.. try to remember, love is blind.

Just like some of the other girls said.. if it were me, I'd leave him and be HAPPY AS H*LL to do it.

I hope everything works out.. even if you do end up staying with him (as long as YOU are truly HAPPY) :hug: You are BEAUTIFUL and you deserve to be treated like a QUEEN. You know we're here for you and support you!

First I want to say wow! If my boyfriend ever came out and said the things yours has said to you I think I would just die. No one has the right to put anyone else down like that especially someone they love. I know my boyfriend doesnt find me sexually attractive and honestly I dont either. When we first got together I remember he had a sign u that said no fat chicks! and I remember being so scared that the second he saw me naked it would all be over. He has expressed a few times (not recently) that maybe I should lose weight but never in a negative way but more in a you need to be healthy so you dont get heart disease way. If he keeps making comments about your weight I think you need to come out and say something about the 60 lbs he needs to lose.

Aw, hon, you deserve so much better. Every woman does.

Sometimes the best way to get an outside perspective on something that is so personal to you is to think of what you would tell your best friend if they came to you with the same problem. Would you tell her she deserved to be talked to that way? :hug:

Sweetheart, I am very new to this site.....but my goodness I am not new to life....you are much to young and beautiful to tolerate this behavior. This in my opinion is abuse. I do not mean to be harsh but he does not love you. Kick him to the curb and spend your time on you and finding someone worthy to spend it with.....life is just to short....fat or thin! Good Luck.

For what it's worth (because I don't know enough about the situation to be confident in my advice applying to your situation).


I'm wondering if his own weight gain is actually behind his dislike (sounds more like fear) of fat sex. He may not have the strength and stamina he used to, or the weight can actually cause impotence because of the hormone imbalance.

If issues of weight are really the only problem in your relationship (he doesn't criticise you in other aspects of your person or behavior), and if he isn't controlling or unsympathetic in other areas of your life together, I would strongly suspect this is about HIS weight (and there might be some hope for change). If he's not open to change or if he's abusive in other ways, my advice really doesn't apply (personally, I wouldn't be able to live with someone like this).

The distinction is very important, because if you think he really does consider himself perfectly fine, but your 15 pounds are really the problem - if he expects perfection from you, but he's fine the way he is - that is the kind of abuse that isn't going to change; and you have to decide whether it's ok with you to be abused. And if you have or want to have children with him, are you ok with your children witnessing abuse (and likely becoming victims themselves or learning to be abusers and abuse victims themselves. Or are you willing to choose not to have children so that you and your husband don't teach your children to to be abusers and abuse victims.

Only you can choose whether to accept this kind of abuse or not. I can't make the choice for you, but I wouldn't accept that for myself. I can only tell you what I would do in your situation, so here it is for what it's worth.

If I didn't trust that he would be willing and open to change, I would leave. Life is too short to be treated like crap by the person who is supposed to love you the most.

If I could say that he's really a great guy except for this one area (and assuming that he would work on stopping the abusive behavior and comments when I bring it to his attention and was cooperative when I encouraged him to doctor and/or psychologist if necessary), then I would do this:


I would say or write (probably write, at least the first time, because I've found that I can express my concerns and feelings without being interrupted and without sounding accusatory. I've found that for myself and hubby, a letter or even email is less likely to errupt into an argument).

Dear, I've been wanting to say this for some time, but didn't know how to. Maybe writing it down will be easier than trying to say it, though I'd like to discuss this after you've read it.

All the time you've been so critical of my weight loss efforts, and pointing out how I'm failing to meet your expectations, and telling me that you didn't like "fat sex," I've been thinking all of that was about me - and maybe you were thinking that too.

But, I've come to realize this isn't about ME, it's about you. I know it's about you, because you've gained four times the weight I have since we met - and you've never lost or attempted to lose the weight. That tells me that all the critical and unkind comments you've been making about me, you've really been trying to make about yourself. I do understand your feelings, but it's hurting me and making me very angry that you're being so unkind about my efforts - when I don't see you putting in any effort at all. I can't lose your weight for you, it's hard enough to lose my own.

A lot of men DO find me very attractive, in fact recently I was just called a hottie by a married man married to a beautiful woman himself - so I KNOW this isn't about me being unattractive. So your feelings of disliking "fat sex" have to be about your fat, not mine. In fact, I'm wondering if the extra 60 lbs you're carrying is actually causing you impotence and that is the real problem. It could be depression or it could be the hormone changes that extra weight bring. I can understand if that's what's going on, but you've got to tell me the truth, and we've got to deal with these problems. I don't want to be married to a man who is going to blame his problems on me instead of facing them head on. I'm happy to work with you, but I can't be your scapegoat any longer."

Wow- I echo with all the others (and hope you haven't been scared off) that the guy you are with isn't a good guy.

His concern about your weight has nothing to do with you- only with him. He talks about how HE looks next to you, how HE is embarassed, how HE doesn't want the family to see you, and so on. I mean this sounds offensive but a girl with any sense of self-respect would never let a guy treat her that way!

Sounds like he's taken away a lot of your self esteem without you realizing it.

I think you need to ask him what HE is going to do about HIS fat- you say he's gained 60 lbs, well how does he feel about that? Does he think it's okay for a guy to be fat but not a woman? There are some men out there like that...

Honestly I'd be packing my bags and moving home if I were in your shoes.

My thoughts? My husband knew me when I was a size 4...now I'm a 22. He loves me unconditionally, but he also has gained quite a bit of weight. It sounds to me like he's holding you responsible for gaining weight and not himself. Chances are, he is even more comfortable about the 60 pounds he has gained, but he is too proud to take responsiblity for his part. It's easier for people like that to point fingers elsewhere when they know they have their own work to do. No one here really has all of the details or insight to truly give you sound advice to follow other than to follow your heart. Just remember one thing...it's better to be alone and happy than be with someone who hurts you. Being alone is a scary thing, I know, but it might be healthier for you.

I don't know if this is the same guy you talked about previously that used to make you cry and feel like you weren't good enough but I have to say that it seems to me that you have low self esteem, which many of us do. I think you need to realize that love and a relationship shouldn't make you feel like this guy makes you feel. He is definitely in the wrong. I would agree with the others in that you need to move on and find someone who will love you for who you are instead of trying to blame you for their own short falls.

This guy is either:

1) A total jerk
or
2) Gay and doesn't know it... or is scared to come out of the closet.


ps. Someone that makes you feel bad about yourself isn't who you should be with. Sorry you have to put up with this crap.


Sorry for a million edits but
He has every right to feel that way (i think?) and in a way, part of me thinks he is right. I do have weight to lose, it's probably not very attractive, if i were him, would I want to "do-it" with me? But I also wonder if that isn't just me making excuses for him, maybe allowing something that I shouldn't be allowing and maybe its just my "fat girl insecurity" talking...?


WHAT?! I must have skimmed over that bit but WHAT?!?! What would YOU say to someone in your position that thought this about their situation?

1. When you love someone, you don't treat them like this.
2. When you love yourself, you don't let someone treat you like this.

You deserve better. Here's hoping you will someday believe this.

Tell him to hit the road if he can't love you the way you are then forget him. I feel bad for you but my girlfriend did exactly what you're doing and wound up divorced. He always said everything would be OK if she lost weight.

First of all, it will never cease to shock me how many women (especially overweight women) settle for less than they deserve. Society has taught us that since we're fat, we don't deserve to have everything we want, so we punish ourselves by staying with people who aren't worth our time. Why? Because we're fat so no one else will want us.

Second of all, is this guy perfect? Does he have the best job and body and personality and attitude? Doesn't sound like it. Relationships are not about only loving and accepting the BEST parts of your SO, they're also about accepting their flaws. I love my husband more than anything, but he has certain habits that irritate the **** out of me. I didn't marry him so that I could fix him and make him perfect, I married him because I loved him the way he was. Annoying habits are part of his personality, and since I'm not perfect, I can't expect him to be.

I will say that he did push me to lose weight. But instead of saying things to make me feel bad about myself, he said things like "I could not care less how much you weigh but I know it's really making YOU unhappy". If I had been walking around at 220 feeling great about myself with a smile on my face it never would have been an issue.

The sex thing is ridiculous. The only thing my husband complained about when I was at my high weight was that I didn't want the lights on any more. He also hated it that I felt so bad about myself that *I* didn't want to have sex. The only complication it caused in my marriage was that he felt like I wasn't doing it enough any more because I was too insecure and he wanted more!

So now time for some tough love. STOP cowering beneath this jerk. Are you less than other women because you're overweight? If you were 5'10 and 115 lbs with model good looks would you put up with him? If the answer to that is no, then why are you putting up with him now? I'd tell him to go find Heidi Klum if he's so obsessed with looks and see if she's interested in his fat ***.

If you were 5'10 and 115 lbs with model good looks would you put up with him? If the answer to that is no, then why are you putting up with him now? I'd tell him to go find Heidi Klum if he's so obsessed with looks and see if she's interested in his fat ***.

I loved your post but I really agree with this part 100%- if you weren't overweight would you deal with this abuse? Cuz if it's not weight it'll be something else.

Kate, im pretty sure you had a good idea of the direction this thread was going to go....i just hope you can find the strength to do whats best for you...who knows, maybe youll find it when you reach your goal...im willing to bet that he'll change his tune then, but in my opinion its too late for him....best wishes!!!

I agree that this sounds like it's more about his own issues and probably inability to have sex due to *his* being overweight. If he truly found women who aren't thin to be unacceptable, he would only seek out relationships with thin women. Assuming you didn't drag him into a relationship, he sounds like he purposely seeks out women who have weight issues, because that give him a built in "out" for not having sex.

You said he's gained 60lbs - assuming he wasn't signficantly underweight to start, he's probably fairly overweight now. I've definitely heard from several women who are dating men who are 50 + lbs overweight that have a lot of trouble performing. I think it's an under discussed fact that excess fat screws up our hormones, both men *and* women.

Oh, hon, I'm just a lurker but I had to de-lurk to say that I had a boyfriend like this and I married him, and it's been 11 years of pure ****. It would absolutely be better to be alone than to be with somebody who thought I was too fat at 125 lbs, at 165 lbs, and everything in between. He's never happy with any weight loss because it's never enough, he loves to take me out to eat and drink and then blame me for gaining weight; he turns up his nose at healthy food and expects me to cook his high-calorie favorites, he tells me I've "let myself go" and "failed to live up to my obligation to be slim for him." And he's screamed at me, with his eyes bulging and his face red, that "there's no such thing as unconditional love" for a fat girl.

Please, please, go out the door and don't look back. And think about getting some therapy to deal with your "fat-girl insecurity." I've been in therapy for three years, and it's only now that I'm seeing that it's MY horrible self-loathing that has allowed me to stay and take this abuse all these years.

Lots and lots of good replies.

Honestly, I don't think it's unfair that he has a "type." Nobody is going to be attracted to everyone, and this doesn't equal shallowness, in my opinion. If my boyfriend started wearing skinny jeans and got a punk haircut, I'd still love him dearly, but I would have to admit that the clothes and hair are no longer attractive to me. You say that when he's pushed, he'll admit that he's no longer attracted because of the weight issue. Well does he walk around calling you fat? Because that would be cruel. But if you ask him, and he gives his answer, then that's just honesty. He's probably struggling to put it in words that aren't hurtful (a nearly impossible task, most men know that the "am I too fat" conversation is dangerous).

However, he's not putting it in very supportive words. Just as it's fair for him to admit that he's no longer attracted, it is also fair for you to move on and find somebody who is loving and supportive of you just the way you are now. It's admirable of you to change yourself to get healthy, but you shouldn't have to lose weight to fit his requirements of attractive women.

But I don't think it's necessarily fair to call him a shallow jerk. I'm absolutely sure that he does love you and cares about you, but he is allowed to have his preferences.

If it was me, and this is MUCH easier said than done, I'd consider ending the relationship. You can focus on improving for your OWN reasons, and eventually find somebody who thinks you're beautiful.

From my personal Fat Girl Experience. I put up with a lot of losers because I thought I wasn't worth it. I look back and cringe at the douchebags I dated.

I would pay for everything, I was insulted constantly, when a guy I was with flirted with another girl in front of me it made me feel like crap, but I always thought I deserved it because I was fat.

We have to stop believing we deserve to be treated badly because we're fat.

I also have to agree that it sounds like he has issues that have nothing to do with you but he's blaming them on you because he doesn't want to face them. The theory that he's addicted to porn, has ED or is gay is probably true.

Or if you're paying all the bills it's likely he's just using you. I've been in that situation before. Meh, all in all you'd be better off alone than with someone like that.

I would break it off, start spending more time on ME rather than worrying about his dumb *** and I would start dating other guys.

A few people have brought up that there is nothing wrong with having a preference, and this is true. I, for example, prefer tall skinny guys. Speaking from a purely phsyical standpoint, nothing is sexier to me than a lean man standing about 6'4". That said, when I meet someone I click with emotionally (and especially if he's someone I love), I couldn't care less if he's 5'5 and 250 lbs. Even if you don't meet a guy's physical preference, if he really loves you, you better believe he'd want to have sex with you!

But I don't think it's necessarily fair to call him a shallow jerk.

Any man who admits he refuses to introduce his girlfriend to his friends and family because he is embarrassed by her weight, WHILE he's carrying 60 pounds of excess weight of his own IS exhibiting shallow, jerky behavior. That has nothing to do with sexual preferences.

Hold on... I think I remember something you posted about this guy before... Didn't you? Back in 2008? How he was emailing young chicks online, etc.?

Is this the same guy? Who got out of the Marines and had no place to go? And didn't like working 'cause it meant not having time for video games??

Well, KateRN, if this is the same guy, I just don't know what more can be said. :dunno: I guess one of these days you'll have had enough. I'm sure sorry that you can't see your way out of this. I hope you do sometime!

:hug:
Jay

I found this post of yours. Read it.

http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/weight-loss-support/168930-ok-i-havent-posted-all-months-months-months.html

There are a lot of good replies on this thread so I'm really just repeating, but still I have to chime in. I understand we all have preferences, but attraction is a very subjective idea and I think that if you are truly in love with someone, you won't demand perfection from them. There is a difference between wanting your SO to lose weight out of love and to say that that is the very reason they do not wish to even wrap their arms around you. I can't imagine telling my boyfriend something like that.. I love him too much to let vanity get in the way. If there were any problems with intimacy, it would derive from something deep, not superficial.

I think being in love with someone makes the physical aspects less important. If it is for health concerns or if the weight has hindered sexual performance.. or even mental health (that can spill into intimacy - like how if you are with someone and they are not confident at all, you start to believe it too, but if that person exudes confidence, the attraction only grows)..
My boyfriend was thin but muscled (not severely, just shaped), when I met him (been together 5 yrs) and then in between, his weight ballooned.. it's not something he was happy with and I hate to admit it, but yes, secretly I preferred him smaller, but that was never something that would get in the way of intimacy b/c my attraction to him is not all about that, intimacy just happens to ride along with love. Yes, there is a certain aspect physically that still appealed, he was still tall and had strong arms that I liked, but perfection wasn't wat I wanted..
If he had continued getting bigger, I would have spoken up about it but mainly because at that point, it isn't about vanity issues but the concerns I would have about his health - he gained a lot of weight by overeating and not working out enough - these are things that aren't good for anyone and similarly, if he had been doing something else to himself like cutting - I would also speak up about it, but the difference is that these ideas come from a place of love - not my ideals projected onto him.

He doesn't consider me fat and has never ever been ashamed to have me meet his friends - and this is something he told me one day when I was at my highest weight ever (210) when I felt hideous about myself and didn't want to go out with him and his friends. He did point out that he was worried about my eating habits b/c he knew it was detrimental to my health both physically and mentally.. I was going overboard, and he pointed out that it wasn't attractive to see me abusing myself and making myself feel unhappy and insecure (b/c those were all the things I complained about and I ended up pulling away from him out of self-loathing). So after I worked that out, I was by no means that much thinner (maybe by 15 lbs that I lost pretty fast b/c my body was just not happy there), it made a huge difference and to his credit, he pulled me back and got me out of that cycle and it only made things better.

If someone is projecting their ideals onto you and demanding you to be that, this person isn't concerned about you as the person, just you as an abstract entity..
It isn't love in my opinion, maybe attachment, but not love. A healthy relationship will foster growth both as individuals and as a couple, but not ill-feelings. It's possible to fight and misunderstand, but even within fighting one can isolate that the fighting comes from a place of love and not genuine maliciousness - which is why I think there really is a "healthy" way to fight - but I digress.
In my opinion - he is projecting his own insecurities and issues onto you.. Honestly, I think he is trying to control you.. and it doesn't seem like he would be satisfied with you even losing weight b/c it comes from a place of insecurity, not concern. Think about it.. he's being incredibly selfish. If it were me, I wouldn't be able to put up with that because it just seems too overtly malicious, he's got to know that the things he's saying and doing is selfish/hurtful not productive.. but only you know the full extent of your relationship.

Also, I can't believe that someone would lose his attraction to you over 15 lbs..? I would think there would need to be a significant change.. like, ahem, gaining 60 lbs.. but even then, I still can't imagine being so disgusted with someone I supposedly love as to stop showing them my love through even hugging them, let alone, intimacy! Like I said, we do ALL have preferences, but I don't know that this is simply preference.. I just don't think this is love.. also it seems like he wants you to change for him ASAP - ignoring that you are trying to lose weight in a healthy manner (it's not like you are not doing it!!) - telling you that you are the source of his humiliation, that he sees no changes in you.. it's like he wants you to instantly change and that's a really, really bad sign. Doesnt sound like patient, unconditional love.
I think you need find somewhere away from him to go to and try to look at your relationship with him objectively b/c only you know all the intricacies in your relationship. See where it leads and have a heart to heart with him.. If he really loves you, he will listen and maybe he will have to do some thinking himself and figure out the source of his brashness.

I did not read all the responses, so this may have been said, but it sounds like he is projecting. Meaning that he is insecure with his own 60 lb gain and he is angry with himself for getting that way and not doing anything about it. It is hard to look at ourselves in a negative light and admit our failings, so a way of coping is to project those negative feelings about ones self onto someone else, generally someone we love who is a "safe" person to release those feelings onto.

It is not a good coping method, but it is all some people have. Try not to take it personally and continue working on yourself. 1-2 lbs per week is FANTASTIC! Slow and steady wins the race, keep up the good work and try to let him figure his emotions out in time. Chances are when he sees your progress he will get on the bandwagon and start to loose some himself. Once he feels better about himself, the rest will fall into place.

I'm going to stretch here, and it may not be well received - I can only speak from my own experience.

MOST guys (not all, not wholly) are visual, sexually. Most girls (not all, or not wholly) are emotional. Therefore, it is not surprising to hear the 'love him/her anyway' from and about women. Men like to be aroused by what they see. If what he finds attractive, at his core, is someone slim and fit, that's the way he is. BUT - he's with you. :)

Now, I'm going to be honest. Being loved, and being attractive to him, sexually, are NOT the same thing - they do not equate. He DOES love you, as you have pointed out, and he is still with you, does not mock you, and does not overly criticize or call you names. Not being attracted to you because you are overweight does NOT limit his love for you as a person, and he has said so. HOWEVER - I hear you when you say you are sensitive on this subject, and that makes it easier to belittle your self-worth based on one aspect - your weight. You MUST NOT measure how lovable you are based on a lack of sexual desire. This is a sure road to personal loathing. :no:

I was 282lbs. My husband hated it. We stopped having sex. I lost weight. A lot of weight. We had a lot of sex. We split up anyway. Do you see what I'm saying? Lack of intimacy IS damaging, and losing some weight will make your libido (and his!) skyrocket, probably... but if the relationship is crap, it's crap. Yours doesn't sound like it is.

Hang tough - ask yourself those hard questions: Will *I* like myself more if I lose weight? Be honest. It's hard work, and worth it. If it improves my valued, cherished relationship, is it worth the effort? ;)

If you'd like to talk more about this, I would be happy to - I was big for the majority of my marriage - and the ending to this story is probably not what you are expecting :) Feel free to PM me.

Take care -
Heather :D

A few people have brought up that there is nothing wrong with having a preference, and this is true. I, for example, prefer tall skinny guys. Speaking from a purely phsyical standpoint, nothing is sexier to me than a lean man standing about 6'4". That said, when I meet someone I click with emotionally (and especially if he's someone I love), I couldn't care less if he's 5'5 and 250 lbs. Even if you don't meet a guy's physical preference, if he really loves you, you better believe he'd want to have sex with you!

I agree with this! I prefer tall skinny, dark haired, dark eyed guys. I fell head over heels in love with my husband who is tall, skinny, blonde and blue eyed! I had never liked a blonde guy before but it was him, who he was as a person. I find him very sexy and attractive.

If someone doesn't have you as their type and is dating you and telling you that you aren't their type then they gotta go. When I was dating, I would've never dated someone I wasn't physically attracted to in hopes that they'd change so that I would be some day. That is just insanity.

It seems this kind of relationship dynamic may be a pattern of yours.

I hope you learn to love yourself enought to not put up with things that make you miserable! :hug:

Hold on... I think I remember something you posted about this guy before... Didn't you? Back in 2008? How he was emailing young chicks online, etc.?

Is this the same guy? Who got out of the Marines and had no place to go? And didn't like working 'cause it meant not having time for video games??

Well, KateRN, if this is the same guy, I just don't know what more can be said. :dunno: I guess one of these days you'll have had enough. I'm sure sorry that you can't see your way out of this. I hope you do sometime!

:hug:
Jay

I found this post of yours. Read it.

http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/weight-loss-support/168930-ok-i-havent-posted-all-months-months-months.html

Someone who really loves you will love you no matter and would never say such hurtful, mean, belittling things. You are trying, or else you wouldn't be here, and he should respect that.

MOST guys (not all, not wholly) are visual, sexually. Most girls (not all, or not wholly) are emotional. Therefore, it is not surprising to hear the 'love him/her anyway' from and about women. Men like to be aroused by what they see.

MOST guys I know would disagree and take offense to this. The notion that men are more shallow/visually driven than women really is BS.

Wow, I haven't read all the responses either, but let me just extend my sympathies.

Years ago when I lacked confidence about my sexuality and my worth, I got involved with a man who loved me very much as a person but was not attracted to me. He was lonely. I was lonely. We became best friends. I pushed the relationship into a sexual one, but we were never bf/gf. It was never a satisfying relationship because he wasn't attracted to me. I did always appreciate his honesty with me, and saw how I manipulated the relationship. I was miserable but didn't think I deserved more.

When the last straw came and I ended it I was scared. But I learned how much I AM worth it at ANY weight, and now am married to a man who loves me unconditionally.

You're worth it too, Kate. :hug:

Normally Im not one to judge some one else's relationships since mine is not exactly the 'norm' or good by most standards (we love eachother, we support eachother, we spend time together with friends and family, we just aren't 'together' in the traditional sense)
However . . . he is an a**. There's no way around that. He is absolutely entitled to have his own type, everyone does . . however . . . if he got into a relationship with you at the weight you are at, he's not being blindsided and saying that things will get better when 'you fix your problem'
Uhmmm . . . what will get better and for who?
I know Im going off here but it makes me so angry when people are that hypocritical and down right rude and hurtful.
The man that I have the not-so-typical relationship with has NEVER put me down or made me feel anything but beautiful, and he has been a part of my life at my biggest . . when I told him I was changing my eating habits, exercising and wanting a healthier life do you know what he said to me?
"Good for you, you'll feel great about yourself and proud for doing it. I'll help you with whatever you need" and he has.
THATS what you should expect from some one who loves you. Nothing less.

Im sorry to rant, but for a beautiful girl like yourself who is willing to love this man unconditionally, you deserve no less than that same love back and should never, ever, settle for less than that.

I found this post of yours. Read it.

OK, I haven't posted at all in months and months and months...


Well gosh. Kate, I hope this guy you're with now isn't the same guy. But sad to say, even if he's not, he sure sounds similar...

Jay

I can't even imagine not wanting to show off my girl to my family and friends...I just can't....:(

I got home and rereading this thread as it interested me.

I find I have a few comments on the unconditional love.

My mother has been overweight all her life. My Dad loved her to pieces. I remember him rolling into the kitchen, grabbing her, squeezing her big ole behind and smooching up one side and down the other. I don't recall him ever saying one bad word about her size.

I also have a friend/co-worker who is very overweight and has a skinny little bf who loves her like no other, and they boink like bunnies. She tells me, *rolls eyes* sometimes it's TMI.

Fat can be seen as a physical imperfection by some, but,,,,,,if you were thin and had an accident and cut off your hand, would he have the same reaction? If you have a child and it's born with a cleft pallet or Downs Syndrome, or some other issues, will he reject it?

My DH lost 2 fingers in an accident a few years ago, I don't love him any less, we actually have quite a sense of humor about the whole thing. Little kids are fascinated by it, and he's fine with letting them look at his stumps and touch them. He'll also, if a kid is staring at them, place them under his nose, so it looks like he has his fingers stuffed in his nose clear to his brain. And yeah, sometimes we call h im stumpy, he just waves his short, middle stump at us and says "take that"!

A good relationship is a great thing, but a crappy one is a big waste of time, energy and yourself. Don't waste YOURSELF on crappy relationships. There is no law that says you have to be in one to be happy, or whole or socially acceptable or whatever.

I'm sure you get this point by now, but I will still say it again. THERE ARE TONS AND TONS OF MEN OUT THERE WHO WOULD BE WILLING TO LOVE YOU FOR YOU! And when you find one, you will wonder why in god's name you ever wasted a lousy second on this guy(or any other guy for that matter)

IMO the only time a SO should ask/talk about one's weight is if they are concerned for your health or they are encouraging you on your personal journey.

What if you told him you loved him but you'd really prefer he start working on his body(maybe bulk up a bit) and you really rather your men be ripped. It's the same comparison as far as I'm concerned.
Sure attraction is important, but there is so much more involved in relationships than looks, looks change with time, they evolve...his behavior is just wrong, you do deserve better.

There's a difference between finding a slender build attractive versus a fat one and being emotionally abusive to your S.O.

This guy is a jerk, regardless of his preferences.

I happen to agree that men are more visual than women, but that's absolutely no excuse for his behavior.

You deserve better than this.

I can't even imagine not wanting to show off my girl to my family and friends...I just can't....:(

That's the kicker for me right there.

You can go back and forth on whether we are all reading more in to it or not, but I have NEVER known a healthy relationship where one was ashamed to introduce a partner to the family. (Now ashamed to introduce the family to the partner is quite another matter :dizzy:)

Yeah, ennay, that's the kicker for me too. I kind of understand being attracted to a certain "type" (for me it's a personality type rather than a physical type), but if a guy is refusing to introduce her to his friends/family, then I wonder what he is hiding. Does he have another girlfriend? Is he married? Is he just a jerk? There is something going on here and our Kate deserves better than this!

My dear KateRN...when will you realize that you are worthy of a healthy relationship? We can all rant and rave and tell you to run. But you have to decide and make the choice. You will stay in this relationship for as long as you need to. For whatever reason. When you are ready to make a change you will. You will know.

All I can say is RUN! Run fast away from any man who says what your bf said.

I say this as someone who is older than you, and up until recently, had never been with anyone who actually accepted me, for me.

My previous boyfriends claimed to love me and enjoyed my company, but they weren't normally into "fat chicks". As a result, they would eventually make inappropriate comments about my weight--while saying they loved me, etc.

the man I am with now accepts me for who i am. He actually worries that I am not eating enough----i tell him to look at how big i am, but he wants me to be healthy and happy, and supports me in my weightloss efforts. I think he is more upset that I keep trying fad diet after fad diet, and he would prefer I try something possibly healthier.

You are a beautiful person and deserve someone who really respects you and cares for you as you are--not if you are thinner or bigger. I am not saying to date a chubby chaser--but just to date someone who loves all aspects of yourself. I have been with many men who claimed so much care for me, but didn't accept my weight, sometimes didn't accept where I come from, etc.

Please put yourself first. Now, when I look back at the men I dated, I feel silly. they were so shady and grimy and I actually was thankful for their disrespectful attention at that time in my life. Now, my bf sees me naked and is very kind to me. Sure, he is still a guy and finds attractive women of all sizes just that---attractive. but he has never told me to change myself. he only wants me to be a better person for myself so that i can be happy with myself

:mad:

I'll start out by saying that I firmly believe that people are entitled to be attracted to what they are attracted to, no questions asked. People can't help physical attraction, I think...in most circumstances, it just is what it is.

However, when a person truly loves someone, I think they find attractive qualities in the person they love, regardless of what they are typically attracted to. Even infatuation can do this, I think. I've been attracted to so many different types of guys, both skinny guys and bigger guys.

If he really, really loved you, he should accept you as is. He got into this relationship without you being a 'skinny girl,' and it's unfair for him to get into the relationship expecting you to change. 15 lbs is a difference, but I don't think it is a big enough difference to justify not wanting to be intimate.

What really irks me more than anything is that he brings you down when he should be supporting you. You have to lose weight the way you want to lose weight, or the weight loss won't last. If an occasional trip to a fast food restaurant helps you stay on track and keep from bingeing, then that's great. You shouldn't feel guilty. And he won't introduce you to people? That's ridiculous.

It's really hypocritical for him to have gained so much weight and then come down on you about yours, as well.

I would talk to him about the way he treats you, because he really needs to look at himself and consider the way he is acting. If he can't shape up and be supportive instead of making you feel bad, I would walk away from the relationship. You need someone who helps you be the best you, not someone who constantly makes you feel crappy. First and foremost, you need to be happy with yourself, and he's not helping you with that. People who genuinely love you may make mistakes at time, but they do their best to support you.

:hug: Good luck with this situation.

I found this post of yours. Read it.

3fatchicks.com/forum/weight-loss-support/168930-ok-i-havent-posted-all-months-months-months.html

:(

You can be attracted to whoever you want, but don't get into a relationship with someone who doesn't fit that mold and then try and jam them into it by being mean. I would be tempted to tell him I found a way to lose 200lbs overnight and dump him. I know it's not that easy, but it sure sounds like he doesn't care about anything except himself.

In my opinion, from what it sounds like, KateRN is not in a place to make a major decision like leaving this guy.

It would take a lot of self-exploration, self-discovery, counseling and building up self-esteem for you, KateRN, to be able to make your decision about staying or leaving.

Keep this in mind though - sometimes manipulation and control can be very sneaky.

Here's a thought:
If you guys broke up, YOU would NOT have trouble finding someone else. HE would. and THAT is why he manipulates you into thinking that you are not good enough, too fat, etc. HE is terrified because he knows he won't be easily able to find a girl who puts up with him, a girl that is up to your caliber.

you are the gem, he knows this, and he wants to hold on to you at all costs.

Consider this over the next little while. You may begin to see him in a new light.

~Choirgirl~

Girl, i literally read the 1st two paragraphs of your story and I don't care how long you've been with him or how much you care about him. GET RID OF HIM!!! He obviously doesn't care about you that much and WHY in the world would you wanna be with anyone who isn't sexually attracted to you?!?!

What happens when you guys get married and you get pregnant?!?! He is bad bad news and is probably getting his kicks elsewhere. Don't be a fool!!!

and ps- you are GORGEOUS!! Don't let this jerk bring you down!!!

(My ex was the same deal. He'd make comments about my weight all the time.. i wish i knew then what i knew now, thank god he's an ex!)

I'm going to say something a little different.

I don't think everyone should be expected to "accept us as we are." I really don't. Everyone is different and has different thresholds for what they do or do not feel attractive.

That said, I think your boyfriend is verbally abusive and berates you. This is completely unacceptable. It makes me sad to read that you can't see this. Lose weight for you. Not because he's berating you into doing so. Or making you feel worthless for being overweight. I hope you will be successful. But, even more, I hope that you will work on learning that you have value and don't need to stand to be treated this way -- by anyone. You teach others how to treat you. And you don't have to accept this.

Hang in there.

My husband is the same! Obviously our situation is more complicated with two kids and all, but the issue is the same... he is very vocal about his problem with my weight. He's committed to me and the kids, but he is not subtle about his thoughts on the subject... It's really hard to stay on track when I don't want him to see me reading about a new program, or recording anything, because I know he'll make a comment about how much my weight hurts him... ugh! Anyway, just wanted you to know that I totally know what you mean. Hope that 2010 takes you in the direction that YOU want! :)

I'm going to say something a little different.

I don't think everyone should be expected to "accept us as we are." I really don't. Everyone is different and has different thresholds for what they do or do not feel attractive.
Hang in there.

I agree that not everyone has to find everyone else attractive. I don't agree with those who are big and say they are "more womanly". I feel that is a bit of a way of deflecting pain and embarassment.

I think it is ok if a man (or woman), doesn't want to date someone who is bigger. But, once you are dating someone, if they gain weight, you either need to accept it and love them, or leave---you should not make them feel worse or feel as if they are not fully accepted. You should not dictate to them how you want them to be.

Again, I have known many men who are exactly as the OP described---they say they love you, and at the same time they damage your self-esteem by saying not so subtley that you aren't good enough for them.

I think this person is probably not the best for you in the long run.

Do you want to be one of those women trapped in a relationship because of low self-esteem? And sometimes I have seen in those situations where the man begins to control the woman more and more, because he has broken her spirit. Next thing you know it becomes an "open" relationship because the woman has been so broken emotionally that she doesn't feel she deserves any better.

take time for yourself and find a better guy. there are millions of men on this planet---do you think God would want you with someone like you describe?

You know we can all sit here and tell you how much of a of a rude moron your porker of a boyfriend is but you clearly already know that. As well for the fact that he's picking at your insecurities to bring you down because he's a pathetic accuse for a man. I won't give you advice on what you should do just simply because a lot of people here have and in the end you are the one who's either going to have to have enough self respect to walk away and move on with your life or you're going to stick with him. Truth is I agree with a lot of people on here you are hot, but we've all been there everyone can say you're sexy, the most beautiful whatever but as long as you have a moron in your life like that bring you down you will never feel it.

Truth is I work off of people negativity it seems to motivate me more because no matter where you go in life people will ALWAYS bring you down for some reason or another. I went home for xmas having my own mother tell me I was fat. Truth I already know that, people at work tell me that in not as much of a rude way none the less but they say it. The only person who doesn't call me fat is my boyfriend because he can't see it and sometimes I think he's demented but as people say if someone really loves you they love you for who you are not what they can change you to be.

But here's what I'd do.
Kick his sorry pathetic butt to the curb, but that's easier said then done soo on to plan B.

Keep him around, don't take his negative and allow it to bring you down. Prove him wrong. Loose the weight FOR YOURSELF, not any else because if your loosing the weight for your boyfriend or who ever eventually you'll gain it back. But as I said keep him around and just thrive on his negativity because while you are working out, eating healthy and loosing the weight chances are he will STILL be a porker.
Two he doesn't like fat sex? Don't have sex with him even when you loose the weight just leave him to hang to dry or come up with excuse's every time, **** use a shower head if your really in need of it. haha.
and three once you look good chances are you'll feel good and people will notice because your confidence level will go up and eventually you'll realize he's scum and there is so much more out there you'll finally dump his porker butt to the curb.

I dont want to upset anyoner here, however i have been married for almost 12 years to the same man, and I see all the weight I have put on has started to affect our relationship. I dont believe it is him that is unhappy with me, I am unhappy with myself and what I have done to my body, that makes him upset. I say all the time "i am going to workout" or "I am not going to eat as much" then I fail. I as his wife am being unfair to his needs by not caring about what I look like. He deserves a beautiful healthy wife that is happy. I do have to disagree with your boyfriend though because I think he is just using "your weight" as an excuse, and that isnt right. If he is so concerned about you, then he needs to be on your side and encourage you. My husband's comments dont always come across as supportive, but it is me that takes it the wrong way. However I am not doing this for him, this new lifestyle is for ME, and only ME!!! I have realized that I count too..

Many blessings to you girl on your journey..:D

Kate: other posts like this have gone viral before, we 3fc-ers are very protective of those we have come to care about. So I wasn't surprised to see how many replies came so fast, but I'm wondering if you were. I think I would find it overwhelming. I think it is quite brave for the few who have some other opinions to share them too. That can't be easy.

First, I want to say that I think you are brave to make this post. You might not have expected the avalanche of replies you generated, but I don't think you would have asked the question without already knowing the answer. You know that his behaviour and attitude aren't usual or fair, or you wouldn't be asking about it.

That said, it is quite possible that he is taking out his own problems on you. This is where you need to figure out if there is enough positive stuff in this relationship to make you want to help him with his problems! Yes, I am turning this around. He has problems. If he is not getting sex elsewhere (gay, masturbating to porn, having an affair) he obviously has a very low sex drive. Was it higher in the early stages of your relationship? If it was, it is quite possible that his weight gain has raised his blood pressure, and he may have diabetes, both of which can cause impotence, as can depression, with is both a cause and effect of dramatic weight gain.
Since he has been turning this around into your problem, this may be a pattern for him, and is there enough good in this relationship for you to want to help him through this health problem and this mental health problem. No doubt he would need a lot of counselling to overcome this pattern of behaviour. Are you strong enough to do that?

You might need counselling yourself, both for your own self and to decide if you really want to salvage this relationship.

I also want to echo what so many have said, that you seem lovely and have a lot to offer, and deserve love, unconditional love. Your post makes me feel truly blessed to have the love I do, even though I have almost doubled my weight from when we started dating, 25 years ago. And makes me think about how much work I have put into the problems we have worked through, since my dh is not perfect, but loved with those flaws.

So in the end, you must find the strength to leave the toxic problem this has become, (and yes, with some tough love, you have allowed this to happen) or find the strength to stay to work on it. Staying and putting up with the negativity is an option none of us would recommend.

Good luck Kate, let us know how you are doing.

I'm going to be frank here.

He probably has a woman on the side. because men (generally) don't refuse "it" with someone unless they got something else on the side. also he has some serious insecurity issues if he himself gained 60lbs and he feels the need and comfortable to critics you for your weight issues. He's just putting you down just so he can feel better about his weight gain.


You need to kick him to the curb ASAP!

continuing of ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Uhhhhh ACKK that makes me so furious how dare he HOW DARE HE! I've been there and it's so rude gosh I'm boiling reading that. I don't even know what to say but it makes me furious!!! You deserve so much better then that. I don't know you but from your pic your beautiful and that's all that counts and you need to be happy with you! Forget what he cares. And all this negativity won't help in the weight loss goal. Hes being harmful not helpful. I've been there sometimes it takes a while and you just must really get mentally focused who knows if I am I may be at square one again this time next year but just try and try for yourself at your own pace. And if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black boo hiss I'd love to just see him not condoning violence but maybe I'd hurt him with my words. This is what is wrong today with the world and society and women this causes problems whether it's binge eating or starving yourself. Men make women feel horrible about themselves when they can't even see what's their own problems. Uh maybe I'm rambling I'm just so mad. I think this calls for a break up and some major running on the treadmill or some kickboxing with some kick *** tunes to show yourself your stronger and better than him.


Peace love and Gaga!

he is a moron..i just broke up with my bf of 3 years..i was overweight for half that relationship..and the only time he treated me like a proper girlfriend was now..when i am in a normal weight range...i wasted 3 years on my life on a man i thought i loved..sorry to put it so bluntly..but i wuld hate to see u do the same thing..

I didnt read this entire thread, I skimmed it... but I kinda want to tell everyone to shut up.

Listen, I have been and kinda still am in the same situation as you for the last 3 years. My boyfriend is attracted to very small, petite women. I'm 5'8" and at my heaviest with him, 230lbs (now 190lbs). He has made comments about my weight, our sex life, social life, family life, and future together that all connect back to me being over weight. But let me tell you something, I am so in love with him its ridiculous. I've been with him for over three years for a reason.

Many of you might hate what I'm about to say, but I'm still going to say it.

Look, part of our job/duties/whathaveyou as a partner and lover is to do our best to make our significant other happy. There is no beating around the bush. I'm overweight. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it. I beat myself up in my head all the time, questioning my self-worth and sexual attractiveness- as I'm sure you do to. All women do! But it is very different when someone else says outloud what you've been thinking. I was hurt, livid, angry- HOW DARE HE!? But seriously... after a while of turning this over and over in my mind, I embraced a different frame of mind. "If I'm not happy with my body, how can I expect and DEMAND someone else to be?" Just changing MY attitude about my weightloss from a "oh poor me" to "I have what I have and I deserve to be the best possible version of me, and I want my lover to see the best possible version of me" ... my confindence did a 180. And men are attracted to confidence. Our sex life got better. My weight started to trickle away. And our relationship gets better every day.

He's still with you. Trust that he means it when he says he thinks you're beautiful. My bf and I made lists of what we love about each other and carry them around in our wallets. So whenever I feel like he's being critical of me, I pull out my list and its comforting. I see all of these wonderful words, in his writing, telling me how important I am to him and what makes him excited to be with me. We go through lingerie catalogs together and he dog-ears the things he think I'd look sexy in now... and I cut out the ones he thinks are ultimately sexy and use that as motivation- thats what I want to wear and look good for him in!

My bf also gained a lot of weight when we first got together. So when he became critical of me, I put my foot down. "Look- you've gained just as much if not more weight than I have. So if you want me to change, you have to be my partner and support... not my obstacle." We started reading weightloss books together, cleaned out our fridge and cupboards and went grocery shopping together. He still refuses to work out with me, but he's lost all that he gained, plus some. And so have I.

Also, you have to think, what kind of person is he? My bf's job is to point out the aesthetic and "usability" flaws in software. He is a very analytical, technical mind... and I'm a very carefree emotional mind. These differences make it difficult. He points out the flaws in EVERYTHING in life and thinks its his job to make it "right." He's adopted the "help me help you" philosophy and I feel even more motivation and inspiration from him when I see him really try to step back and support me the way that I need him to.

Bottom line: you're hurt, you're upset... and rightfully so. But dont necessarily think that this means that he's garbage, trash, and you should kick him to the curb immediately. You are with him for a reason, he is with you for a reason... and no one on the internet knows or can witness this relationship for themselves and has any right to judge or tell you what you should do. If its abusive, get out. But if you're in love with each other... then he will support you. God knows that every time my boyfriend said any of those same things, I was on an emotional tirade and would more or less "force it out of him" and he still feels intense guilt knowing that I walk around each day with those thoughts floating in my head. He doesnt want to hurt me. And I'm sure that your man is truthful when he says he doesnt want to hurt you.

Just something to think about.

I kinda see what you're saying b-bombshell. I alluded to it as well. If he's not attracted to her -- and he should not feel obliged to be, just because he loves her -- that doesn't make him a bad guy.

But he's withholding intimacy and deliberately berating her. He is, in essence, trying to shame or bully her into being what he wants... at a large emotional cost to her. That is not a good guy. I know it's not someone I'd want to see my mother or sister or close friend with for the rest of her life.

you know i agree with some of the posters saying everyone has a right to their own type. And I agree. Even though I'm overweight myself i still prefer thinner men. Which I why I'm trying to lose weight because I know most men like a thin woman as well.

But I wouldn't go out and date a overweight man and then belittle him and insult him about his weight.

What the OP's bf is doing is emotional abuse. He is not trying to help her or support her in losing weight he is putting her down. He claims to love her but doesn't want to introduce her to his family? The guy has got serious insecurity issues. If he is that attracted to her why isn't he just breaking it off? the right thing to do for him would to be just break it off and let her live her life without him insulting her. But no, he holds onto her because he's a insecure.

Come on now. There is a difference between wanting your spouse to look attractive and putting down your spouse all the time.

I know of tons of guys like this. they are insecure.

See- I'd take that as emotional abuse if it was in fact intentional berating meant to hurt her. But how I interpreted it was that he doesnt really want to say it and it hurts him to say it. Maybe I read it completely wrong.

Having been in the same situation (I believe I made a similar post to this when I first joined) most of those posts were made after I just drilled more negativity out him and it caused an argument. For a long time I was very self sabotaging and would pick and pick and pick at my boyfriend until he'd say all of the negative things about me again so I could reach this unhealthy, morbid motivation.

Withholding intimacy is never okay! And my man started to do the same thing, but mostly because I would freak out about him not wanting me and my attitude would make whatever attraction he DID have toward me vanish in the moment. While sex is very visual for men... its also partly mental. Even the hottest woman on earth can be found unattractive by her behaviour and reactions.

Thats not to say anyone should be blaming themselves, thats not my intention at all. I know that my boyfriend is with me because he loves ME. Me, who I am. My essence and soul. How many women in this world complain about men just wanting them for their body? Well... you cant force love with a person's soul the way you can be intimate with a physical body. So- if you have the love of true-self with each other... just work on that physical aspect of the relationship together.

Everyone couple has things they dont see eye to eye on, this one just happens to be more sensitive a topic than others.

Also- ask what his expectations ARE. I was very surprised at the answer i got. My boyfriend's exes are all 5'2" and under and 100lbs soaking wet. He told me that if I lost a few pounds, I'd be curvy and sexy like Clemmy from Reno 911! LOL! I was so shocked! That was the LAST thing I would've thought he'd have said!

There's got to be more to it than just her one post. And it was probably written in a moment of high emotional pain. When you can calm down enough, its helpful to step back and try your best to look at the situation as a whole and weight the pros and cons to assess whats really going on appropriately. Which is something only she can do.

I had a thought along the same lines... could he be gay or have
ED or something else that is causing problems with intimacy? Sometimes it is easier for a person to blame someone else rather than to recognize an issue with ourselves. It may be easier for him to say "We aren't having sex because there is something wrong with you." than to say "We aren't having sex because there is something wrong with me."

Just a thought, may not pertain at all.

My thought, when I first read your post, Kate, was that this situatation sounded like his issue, not YOUR issue. He has nasty toxic baggage. Let him go. (and BTW, you are a beautiful women. Not pretty, but beautiful-- if that is you in your avatar ;))

ETA, I am not saying be heavy be happy. I am saying he is mean and hurtful.

Stick around, blondbombshell... there's lots to learn on 3FC... ;)

Jay

Stick around, blondbombshell... there's lots to learn on 3FC... ;)

Jay

I'm not exactly sure what thats supposed to mean... or how I'm supposed to take it.

I think what Jay meant is even if this thread got a little out of control, there are a lot of other good informative and supportive threads out there...so don't get discouraged if this thread got a little bit harsh...because the forum is definitely worth it.

Sometimes, when someone starts a thread on a topic that hits home for a lot of people...it can go kind of out of control like this, and people get extremely emotional about it. Sometimes they post things without thinking about how it will affect the person who started the thread...so I guess what I'm trying to say is this was just one of those "explosive" threads...because a lot of people have been through what you're going through...and they might take resentment they have for their boyfriend or ex boyfriend out on you without realizing it.

Just keep in mind, we're all here for you...and we just want the best for you. Sometimes people forget that they don't necessarily KNOW what is best for someone else, especially someone they've never actually met. We 3FCers are just a protective group, and we don't like seeing people get hurt.

I personally think you should sit down and have a long talk with your boyfriend. EVERYTHING you posted on here, you should tell him. If he knows how you're feeling, maybe that would help the situation? I definitely don't think it's a lost cause. Just let him know the things he's saying are hurting you, and that you love him and you just want to work things out.

BUT, like I said that's just my opinion, and I REALLY think you should do whatever you feel you need to do.



EDIT:

Actually, I have no idea what Jay meant, seeing as blondebombshell didn't even start this thread...but that's okay. Everything I said still applies to the original poster, KateRN...lol.

Thanks DivineFidelity!

I know my opinion probably isnt the popular one. But having gone through, and going through, a very similar situation- I had to play devils advocate. I wish someone would have tried to help me look at the whole picture as is, instead of chant "Leave the jerk, he's toxic!" about someone I love and care deeply for.

Kate- you have at least on person that can really relate to you with what you're going through right now. That was all I was trying to say. That- and tell you what steps we took in our relationship to change it. Key word- we. He has to be on board, or it is just emotional abuse.

blondebombshell, I agree with you. I posted awhile back and said more or less the same thing.

I did NOT read the OP's thread as he was telling her how unattractive she was all the time. She specifically said that "when pushed" he will say that he finds the weight unattractive. I know I am guilty of pushing my boyfriend. "Am I too fat?" "Does this make me look fat?" "Would you still love me if I gained 50lbs?" "Will you love me more if I lose 50lbs?" Etc etc. He hates those questions. If this guy is being asked a question, why is it a crime to give an honest answer?

Sure, we'd all love to say that we're completely accepting of our partners regardless of weight or any other appearance factor. Weight is a very sensitive subject for all of us, and it's easy for us to get defensive. What if it was something else though. If my boyfriend started dressing gothic and painted his nails black, wore eyeliner, studs, and chains, etc. I would honestly no longer be attracted to him. I'd still love HIM, but I would not be attracted to his appearance. I WOULD be embarrassed to invite him to meet my parents. I probably WOULD lose interest in intimacy. It would only be fair to him and me to be honest and say that I'm no longer attracted to you. That's my right, and it's his right to know so he can choose to go his own way and find somebody else.

So no, I'm not necessarily defending every action of this guy in the OP. But it's his right to not be attracted to a body type. That does not make him gay, does not imply that he's shallow, or anything else. He's not dealing with it in an awesome way, and the OP has every right to leave his butt in the dust and find somebody who will love everything about her just as she is in this moment.

As it is, it sounds like a negative spiral. He's frustrated because he's in love, but he can't force himself to be attracted. Kate, you deserve support and a partner that will only be positive to your self esteem. If both of you have weight issues, make it a project for both of you. Be a support system for each other. Give him an ultimatum...support me or I'll be better off on my own.

... but I kinda want to tell everyone to shut up.

You may find out around here that if someone asks for advice - suggestions or personal experiences.....

as KATE did...

we are gonna give it....

so there :p

Well said, brother!

You may find out around here that if someone asks for advice - suggestions or personal experiences.....

as KATE did...

we are gonna give it....

so there :p

I have absolutely zero qualms with people giving their opinion and support. But spending SEVEN PAGES bashing this poor girl over the head with "You're boyfriend is a skeeze bucket, dump him" stuff is ridiculous. Maybe I'm mistaken, but I dont even think that Kate has responded to this thread since the original post. I know that I'd be very upset if people responded to something as sensitive as weight issues in a relationship with partner bashing.

Thats what I meant by that.

I have absolutely zero qualms with people giving their opinion and support. But spending SEVEN PAGES bashing this poor girl over the head with "You're boyfriend is a skeeze bucket, dump him" stuff is ridiculous. Maybe I'm mistaken, but I dont even think that Kate has responded to this thread since the original post. I know that I'd be very upset if people responded to something as sensitive as weight issues in a relationship with partner bashing.

Thats what I meant by that.

Not intending to hijack this thread here....

I have thought myself some of the posts would not make KATE feel so good about her relationship...

however, she has been around here long enough to know what kind of response she may get.....

This is a very supporting site...but when you ask, as she did, for advice, suggestions and personal experiences people are going to share them....

IMHO most of the posts have been in support of KATE....

bashing or not....

So, I'm really late, but I was on the fence. Although it's been said...I proposed the hypothetical to my husband who says, and I quote, "Drop the f---er cold."

His reasoning is simply that the guy is a jerk. Maybe he has a legitimate right to say that you should lose some weight, but, really, he's just a jerk about this.

I don't think you need any kind of counseling, though. There's nothing wrong with you and, really, there's nothing wrong with him. Being a jerk about things is not a condition, it's a state of mind. And being with a jerk doesn't make you codependent or broken. It makes you crazy-in-love (with a jerk).

Bottom line: My husband is a jerk sometimes (he nags me about my housekeeping skills, the way I respond to questions, etc). Pretty much every woman's husband/boyfriend is a jerk sometimes. At the end of the day, can you tolerate what he's a jerk about? If you can, try to get him to change it so you don't have to deal with it. If you can't, let some other woman deal with his jerkiness and find someone else.

I tried to be careful not to tell Kate what to do, just what I would do in her place. In my mental health career, I've been taught to temper my reaction, to attempt to be impartial, but I'm not sure that's always a good thing.

Tolerance can be a two edged sword. Withholding or diluting negative reactions to poor behavior, can easily be misinterpreted as an endorsement of that behavior. Pretending not to be shocked, horrified, or angry sends a message that the behavior is normal, acceptable, harmless (and it's not).

Kate will decide whether to listen to the advice, or not. She will choose to feel supported or attacked (I think it's very clear in reading the posts that virtually all of the posters are trying to be supportive).

She's also smart enough to know whether the advice applies to her situation or not. If he's just a part-time jerk, and she can live with his jerkitude (as Altari suggested), she'll understand that the "dump him" advice was well meant, but doesn't apply to her situation.

I could also selectively quote my husband and get as much of a chorus of "leave him" in response as Kate has. (Which is rarely why I give "leave him" advice, unless I know a lot more). Regardless though, I know (and I trust Kate knows) that if we get such advice - and it isn't warranted - that it's a result of what we chose to share about our hubbies (if I don't share the good, sweet stuff about hubby - and only share the stupid jerky stuff - of, course I'm going to hear more "he's a jerk," than "he must have had a bad day.")

As to being genericly supportive of a relationship we see as destructive, I remember feeling during my training years, that people weren't tolerant enough in dealing with people living with dysfunctional behavior, but I think the pendulum has swung the other way (or I've just become older, and less patient with enduring crap being thrown at a person).

It sure seems, though that people have become so accepting of dysfunctional behavior, that it no longer seems dysfunctional anymore. There is no "shocking" behavior anymore, and everything is ok as long as you're not hurting anyone (which is pretty much means anything short of homicide - as long as no one dies, it's all in good fun).

Standards of human decency have become nearly meaningless. No one is supposed to advise anyone on how to live their lives. There is no good, there is no evil.

If you're not strong enough to be able to evaluate the value of other people's opinions and advice, and not able to use/disgard what does/doesn't apply to you, you need to be wise enough not to ask for it.

I think we all have to trust that we're all capable of evalutating the usefulness and applicability of the advice we receive here. We have to assume that, because otherwise we don't benefit from the opinion/advice sharing. To get the full benefit of advice, we have to trust that we're getting the "whole truth," not some watered down version of it.