100 lb. Club - Those of you who have been big your entire life...

01-03-2010, 02:29 PM
Are you/ were you scared? When you started this journey, this new WOL, was a small part of you terrified? Or is it just me?

I want to do this. I need to do this. I have to do this. I will do this. However, there is a portion of me that is terrified. I've always been big. I've always been the 'fat friend', the 'funny chubby girl'. I make jokes at my own expense, refer to myself as the 'fat girl'.......it's a part of who I am, and I'm not sure I know how to change that. I don't know who I am without the fat. I realize that this is really screwed up, but it's who I am and I'm gonna have to deal with it sooner or later. I've realized that I do this....I use my fat....my food...my obesity to keep people at a distance. I can be funny, the walking joke, the asexual bundle of jolliness. In short, I'm a year round version of Santa Claus. I'm the one who is always in a good mood, nothing really upsets me (that I show), I can talk myself out of being angry with anyone...because honestly.....I'm afraid that if I were in a crabby mood.....got angry...whatever....people wouldn't think I was worth it. Yah know...wonder why they should worry about upsetting me or angering me...it's 'just Crystal'.........

Before I ramble any further, I'll just cut it off here. In short, I guess I'm worried that these self esteem issues of mine will be my downfall. Does any of the above make sense? Does anyone/did anyone feel the same way? How are you/ did you deal with it?

Or am I even more screwed up than I realize?

01-03-2010, 02:43 PM
Those are very real very common emotions. I was thin from birth to about age 12, but I'm 38 now so I think I almost qualify as having been big my entire life. And I do identify with your comments. I really think my personality developed the way it largely because I was fat. I'm a people pleaser, I listen to everyone else's problems and never share my own, always pleasant to keep from rocking the boat, and quick to apologize even when the issue wasn't my fault to keep everyone happy.

I actually started seeing a therapist before I started losing weight this time and this is something we're working on. I'm learning to stand up for myself and express my feelings. It's not comfortable, but necessary. And I think it's normal to be scared of losing the weight. So many of our thought patterns are built around being the fat person, it can feel unsettling to have that safety blanket be gone. It's definitely something you need to think about - who do you want to be? Regardless, getting rid of the weight is so important to your health that it's worth every bit of emotional discomfort you'll experience. Surround yourself with good people who give good advice (like 3FC!) and you'll get through it.

P.S. - :wel3fc:

01-03-2010, 02:46 PM
You aren't screwed up. I think a lot of us face these issues, I know I've been trying to do it. I feel extremely uncomfortable with people actually seeing me instead of just the fat girl. I'm 50 lbs down now and everyone talking about how great I look still makes me blush and look for a corner.

Here's the thing. I'm worth it. You're worth it. I want to be healthy, I don't have to get skinny or hot - truthfully the sagging skin isn't all that great (but has firmed up lately). I feel better. I feel more like me.

You'll get there. It will be tough.

01-03-2010, 02:54 PM
the asexual bundle of jolliness.
:rofl: OMG I so feel like this.

I have to say the thing I was most scared of is failing, again. But I've realized I can't fail if I don't give up, and at this point I refuse to give up. I don't think losing weight will make me any less that person who never gets mad at anybody. I think that issue will stick with me. And you won't be any less funny, but hopefully less asexual (which is kinda terrifying and great at the same time). Just dive right into your weight loss and you can sort out the questions of who you are without fat as you go along. I think you'll find you're still pretty great without fat!

01-03-2010, 03:07 PM
I think it's perfectly natural. In a sense you're making the choice to change your identity. Now it may not be all of your identity, but (sadly) for me, being "the fat friend with the pretty face and the girl that never missed a meal" was how the world viewed me (I assumed).

Naturally, when I lost weight that all changed. That big part of my identity changed. Before I began this journey and I would daydream about my life as a thin person and it terrified me. I would be without that "cushion", so to speak.

What I found when I began my journey was that I was so excited and happy in this new life, this new skin, that the fear lifted. It was quite freeing :)

01-03-2010, 03:58 PM
As everybody else has said, what you're feeling is totally normal and natural, but more importantly, it's surmountable. You *can* get past your fears and get to a happier, healthier place in your life.

I think, despite my frustration at how slowly my weight has come off (I've been working on this steadily since June 2006 and I'm still not at goal) in some respects I'm lucky because the slow loss has given me time to adjust to the new me emerging. I don't know if that makes any sense, but what I mean is that I've had more time than someone who reaches goal faster to adjust to the image in the mirror, to adjust to looks from other people, etc.

I still struggle a lot with my self-esteem, don't get me wrong. Taking it slow has given me the time to work stuff out, sure, but that doesn't mean I've worked everything out by any means. There's a reason we all gained this extra weight, after all. Taking it off makes us vulnerable in a lot of ways, which is scary. Right now I'm focusing on strength (both inner and outer) for exactly that reason.

salsa chip
01-03-2010, 04:16 PM
Hi there! I'm Salsa, and I am your twin.

Really :) I know how you feel; when I started about five months ago I had exactly the same. It's a bit better now, but there are days....well, you know. I was terrified and bewildered at the enormity of the task, but also at the fact that despite my reservations...my body was indeed losing the weight.

I, personally, am pretty screwed up, and my weight is definitely a part of that. But I'm also kind of learning (I'm in therapy at the moment) that everyone's screwed up, in their own way ;)

01-03-2010, 04:25 PM
You're not screwed up at all. Whether someone has been big and gets small or vice versa, you're changing the way you and others perceive you physically. There's a lot of comfort in just knowing how people will react and how you'll feel about yourself. I think this comes with any big life change and isn't specific to weight.

I was the brunette who dyed her hair blonde, I was the party girl who isn't anymore. Even seemingly little things tie themselves to our identity, and moving out of our comfort zone in any capacity can be a challenging thing. I think the most important thing to remember is that there's no wrong way to feel. I also think you'll find that as you trim down, your confidence will build and your old image of yourself won't matter quite as much.

I've been both skinny and fat, and aside from feeling absolutely slamming in clothes as a thinner person I never found my self esteem to shift all that much. I know I'm a good, loving, smart and funny person, and that doesn't change with my waistline. If anything, like Aclai, the ting I'm most afraid of is failing.

As for the fat girl I've been for more years than I care to remember, I can't wait to give her a kiss and send her on her way. She's great and all, but it's time for me to say goodbye.

01-03-2010, 05:27 PM
How you feel is very normal, and I think a lot of us could relate to that.

I viewed myself as fat from the time I was about nine years old. I really didn't develop a serious weight problem until I was much older, but I saw myself as fat and struggled with food from a very young age.

Over time, my big fear became fear of failure-- I had tried and failed so many times that it seemed so pointless to try again. But, underneath that, sure, there is the fear of shedding an identity.

And on top of that-- it took me SO LONG to convince myself that it was okay to be the way I was that losing weight actually seemed like a betrayal of that self. If I chose to lose weight then I was embracing what I FEARED others thought of me-- that being overweight was bad.

Finally I realized that being overweight WAS BAD... for me... and that I was only hurting myself.

I still have a VERY HARD time imagining what it would be like to be normal weight. I believe I will get there eventually, but I have a feeling I'll see myself as "the fat girl" for a very long time, if not forever.

Goddess Jessica
01-03-2010, 09:56 PM
A friend of mine lost her butt. Seriously. She was always the big-butt girl and then she lost the weight she wanted to lose, she didn't have her butt anymore. She struggled with defining herself again. It was hard! Self-identity involves your physical body and if that changes, you've got to figure that self-identity out all over again.

Yes, it's scary. Absolutely. But it's also pretty fun! :)

01-03-2010, 10:26 PM
I understand and, as you see by these posts, you are not alone. I was not big when I was a child but I thought that I was. I have been obese all my adult life. It is scary but exciting getting smaller. I am still obese and wonder how I will handle it when I get to a normal size.

Post when you get scared, there will be plenty of us to talk about it. :)

01-03-2010, 10:34 PM
A friend of mine lost her butt. Seriously. She was always the big-butt girl and then she lost the weight she wanted to lose, she didn't have her butt anymore. She struggled with defining herself again. It was hard! Self-identity involves your physical body and if that changes, you've got to figure that self-identity out all over again.

Yes, it's scary. Absolutely. But it's also pretty fun! :)

Ooohh, I'd hate to lose my butt. My bellies (yes, I have two fat rolls, like some people have double chins) on the other hand is free to go!
My boobies and my butt are my friends, round and nicely shaped. My "butt in the front" belly is my arch nemesis. I do know what you mean though about losing whatever it is you identify with.

The the OP: I have always used my fat "asexual jolieness" as an excuse to not expect much out of relationships. I have had relationships and sex that comes with them, but I don't take much seriously in relationships because I think being the fat girl, I can't expect much. If I were thinner, I imagine I could score a better quality of relationship. See!! We are all pretty screwed up in our own ways.

01-03-2010, 10:56 PM
I've been big my entire life. I was the biggest kid in all my classes growing up and I don't think there was any point where I was a normal weight for people my age (I was nearly an 11 pound baby!).

I'm not very eloquent, but I can so identify with this post and I really thank you for posting it. I've bookmarked it so I can go back.

My entire identity is of the fat guy. I shyed away from social contacts and structured my entire life as a coping mechanism for dealing with my obesity.

As I've lost weight I'm really struggling with who I am. I'm still very much the awkward fat guy and there are lots of depressing things going on that because of this that is probably very emo.

I'm not dealing very well at the moment with the personal/ identity issues and am just focused as much as I can on losing weight and being healthy. Hopefully the other things will change or at least I'll reach a point where I feel like I can make the effort to make those changes without reverting back to my old ways.

01-03-2010, 10:58 PM
I think it is completely normal to feel this way. Im right there with you...

I would be scared to loose my boobies =)

01-03-2010, 11:12 PM
I'm totally on the "everyone is screwed up in their own way" bench, and I think it's perfectly natural to be fearful of what not having that cushion of extra weight will mean.

I have no idea how I'll handle it when I get there - I started getting chubby around age 8 and by 6th grade I was "the fat friend." I've lost some weight before, but never got smaller than a size 16 and even that was for about a week before I went off track, and have yo-yo'd my way back up until I hit my all time high a couple of months ago and said no more.

I can't guarantee it's going to be an easy journey for you, but I can guarantee this this is an amazing place with lots of friends and support to help you when the going gets tough - from people going through what you are going through right now, and from those inspiring folks who have already gotten there.

01-03-2010, 11:42 PM
I am terrified of this...mainly because I've experienced it before. OT story time! Years ago, I did some major damage to my ankle and I never regained total use. I had been a dancer for years; dance had become a part of my self and having that ability ripped away was heart-wrenchingly painful.

So when i started losing weight, i worried about the same emotions rising. Knowing the consequences, I'm working really hard to ensure that I replace those parts of my identity with new healthy habits. Shifting away from being "the chubby one" is helping to make the transition easier. I think its really important for everyone to do the same.

01-03-2010, 11:49 PM
I've never been thin, I have no idea what to expect but I CAN'T WAIT!!!!

Arctic Mama
01-04-2010, 02:54 AM
I've been fat, in varying degrees, since I was in elementary school. Heck YES I was afraid to change myself, even as I was excited, and it is a constant growing process. I just pray a lot and take it a pound at a time, that is manageable and gives my brain time to catch up with the changes I am experiencing, as well as get adjusted to this way of life.

I'm doing pretty well with it these days :)

01-04-2010, 09:55 AM
I was a skinny kid, slightly overweight in highschool, got back in shape in college and then ballooned up when I had my first kid...and I've been obese ever since (for almost 9 years and 2 more kids later).

I was terrified to start...I knew I had to do something though. It's been a very emotional journey and I really never knew you could experience such a big mix at the same time! It has slacked off a bit now with the main issue of being unsure of myself...in time I'm confident that it'll go away :)

01-04-2010, 11:09 AM
everyone's screwed up, in their own way ;)

ha, something I believe too. makes us interesting.

I've been heavy since I was a young kid, so yes, I've always thought of myself in terms of being big. I've been losing and gaining and losing since I was a teenager (never got to the point of being thin, did get to 20 or 30 lbs overweight as an adult). I don't have a "starting" fear because of that, I do get anxieties about not reaching my final goal.

I've been losing it slowly this time around too, and that's allowed me to adjust to my changing body. I think I have had (and still have) fears that if I lost the weight I'd be vulnerable to facing all kinds of challenges/experiences that I let my weight keep me from doing.

at the other end of the stick, losing the weight I have has given me a lot of happiness and pleasure. I feel more like the real me as the weight comes off. and I'm much happier being more in touch with my body and physically healthier. that is one of the things that helps keep me going, knowing that I can build on those feelings.

01-04-2010, 11:31 AM
I know how that feels as well. TERRIFIED cubed. I have been fat since about the age of 8 or so. I, however, was unlike you in that I wasn't the fat jolly girl. I have been depressed most of my life and that is what I present to the world. To the very few people who really know me, I am loving and supportive but distant. My fat is my wall. But as I read in an article or a book once, walls keep people out, but they also lock me in.

When I lose the weight, I will lose the wall and that is scary. Who will I be at a normal weight? I have no idea. It's probably why I keep putting off the weight loss even though I know how bad my health is.

I think I have had (and still have) fears that if I lost the weight I'd be vulnerable to facing all kinds of challenges/experiences that I let my weight keep me from doing.

One of my favorite bumper stickers is "Everybody is dysfunctional; get over it." In my words, we all have our challenges and are working thru them at our own pace.

Keep at it. You can do it.

01-05-2010, 06:33 AM
I've never been thin, I have no idea what to expect but I CAN'T WAIT!!!!

Me too! I've been overweight my entire life (well, since 3rd grade, but I have NO memories of what it feels like to be "normal"), and I'm scared b/c I feel like I'm giving up my identity. I've just started trying to lose weight (again!), and I completely understand.

01-05-2010, 11:14 AM
I understand what you all are feeling as I feel the same way. I have been overweight my entire life.

I dont ever remember feeling like I was ever a normal weight. I never thought that I would be a normal weight and just kept on eating.

Now that I have lost the weight that I have I still do have days where I feel like that I am still that 336lb person. Other days I am very excited.

I am excited to be a normal weight for once in my life and all that it brings with it

01-05-2010, 02:00 PM
I can so identify with what you all are saying. It seems that I have been using fat my whole life to 'protect' myself from the outside world and the inner me.

I think focusing on only losing 10% at a time was a break through for me. It gave me time to get used to a 'new' body before I went to the next layer.

01-05-2010, 02:27 PM
For me, it has been a huge struggle to get past certain weights due to my mental blocks. I enjoy where I'm at now and actually that is part of my problem because when you weigh 300 lbs or more for 15 years, all your adult life and then you weigh just over 200 lbs, it feels good. The 200 lb mark is a huge mental block for me because I am scared. I keep trying different mental tricks to get past it but I haven't yet. One day I will though.

01-05-2010, 06:00 PM
Yeah, I've been a big girl ever since I hit puberty. And as much as I hated being so, I know it defined a lot of who I've been all these years. The shy, asexual, "one of the guys" fat chick that's really nice and gets along with everyone . . . because she's afraid of not being good enough or even accepted because she feels big and ugly . . .

Both times I lost a substantial amount of weight as an adult and got near 220 (which of course is still at a point of obesity), it was a scary time for me. I wasn't used to getting noticed by guys or being called pretty, I felt like I stood out in a weird way, and didn't know how to deal with coworkers and friends who were used to the "old" me and weren't so sure they wanted me to change for the better. I didn't feel "safe" and the weight came right back.

I'm only about 30 pounds from that point now (this is only the third time as an adult that I've been under 250) and hope to get much lower but I think it's scarier than being at my highest weight! But I'm not exactly in the same place anymore. I'm doing my best to concentrate on my health and how I feel, not my appearance. Although I'd be lying if I said I didn't consider my appearance at all. ;)

Oddly enough, I think something that's helping me this time around is the fact that I moved far away. I've lived out west with my boyfriend for a couple of years now and he's been nothing but encouraging about my weight loss (which is much more than I can say about my ex and even many of my old friends back home). I don't have anyone looking down their nose at me for running off to the Y or making snarky comments about my vanity or supposedly being anorexic. I just . . . get to be me. Not a "fat" person or "skinny" person, but somewhere in between as I continue to make this progress.

Anyway, I've found I want to feel sexy (which I often do, lol), I want to feel pretty (which gets a little tougher). And I'm tired of being a walking doormat just because I'm afraid people won't like me if I so much as make a small disagreement.

I still have plenty of insecure moments and have no clue who I'll be as a thinner girl. But I imagine I'll still just be me with a lot less baggage (both literally and figuratively). ;)

01-05-2010, 09:52 PM
I think it's a real fear but as you start to lose you overcome that fear. You replace it with new found confidence as you see your body change. I am not to my goal yet but I love the changes that I have so far!

01-05-2010, 11:28 PM
What a beautiful post, Sirenity. I am afraid of some of those very same things. I know that as I lose those feelings will kick in and sabotage my progress. I have more confidence this time in my abilities to use my tools to overcome them. I can't prevent the feelings, but I can deal with better now. I have learned how to re-focus my thoughts and how my thoughts bring my emotions which bring my actions. I still feel like I am going to be walking around "naked" once I get to goal, but I trust myself 100% to handle it. I call the shots now in my head - I no longer give other people that power.

I like the idea of 10% mini-goals and getting used to each weight as it comes. It's a cliche, but one day at a time.