100 lb. Club - Why does it make other people (average size people) uncomfy when I say I'm fat?




Michelle98272
12-29-2009, 03:39 PM
I don't whine about it, I don't bring it up all the time but when I use the F word in a sentence people will say to me..."You are NOT fat!"

It frustrates me. I am owning my size. I don't feel bad calling myself FAT. If I called myself a huge smelly slob, that would be me being unkind to myself. It's like I shock people. Do they think I didn't notice I was fat?

For instance, today some co-workers and I were going to go to a meeting together via a car. I had a choice of sitting in the back of a small sedan with another person with a toddler size car seat between us OR I could sit in the front. I said outloud, (nicely by the way) "Can I have the front seat? I'm too fat to sit in the back next to the car seat." I didn't mean it mean, just matter of fact. They all seemed horrified that I said that.

Isn't it okay to own it? I am FAT. I am also doing something about it but still....Your thoughts?


Jen415
12-29-2009, 03:44 PM
You're running up against years of teaching that it is not socially acceptable to call someone "fat". So even if it is YOUR truth, it strikes a bad chord in most folks. If you say it in a joking way, it might make people feel more at ease....

rakel
12-29-2009, 03:45 PM
I have a different experience. I normally don't talk about it either, but when I do, everyone just gets silent. It's like they are agreeing with the fact but they feel too uncomfortable to say anything. That's fine, someday I won't be fat. But for now, I am seriously, massively, humongous and it is a problem. Yes, it is embarrassing when you get in someone's car and you have a hard time buckling when there's a child seat in the car... I do try and get the front seat when I can. It's embarrassing, sure, but I don't think people realize that we have to cope with this stuff every day.


cfmama
12-29-2009, 03:47 PM
I used to use fat all the time!!!! Well.... I was fat! But at 213 I don't FEEL fat any more so now I use plump... because well... I AM plump! lol!

Own it sista. It's just a word.

Michelle98272
12-29-2009, 03:52 PM
It's funny, I have the ability to be really unkind to myself, I really do! But using the word FAT isn't part of it. If people think owning it is rude they should be inside my head sometimes when I AM being mean to myself.

I actually feel oddly good about owning it. You can only be in denial for so long!

beerab
12-29-2009, 03:56 PM
Some people see the word fat as negative- and it might bother the people who care about you to hear you speak in what they feel is a negative tone.

Like my husband- when I call myself fat he gets upset and says that he loves me and it hurts him to hear me call myself fat cuz he feels I'm being negative with myself.

bcort
12-29-2009, 03:58 PM
I honestly think many people don't think you're fat at 5'9" and 240lbs. When I was that size, I was overweight, but not roly poly, like people associate with the word "fat." (like I am now!) I think it's a comparative issue with people somehow.

bcort
12-29-2009, 03:59 PM
Like my husband- when I call myself fat he gets upset and says that he loves me and it hurts him to hear me call myself fat cuz he feels I'm being negative with myself.

Sounds just like my hubby!

matt_H
12-29-2009, 04:01 PM
I like the term "fat" much better than the clinical term of "obese". I cringe where I hear that. I'm fat, I accept it and use that term all the time. I don't think the term is necessarily prejorative...its descriptive.

Most people get uncomfortable when another person acknowledges their own imperfections. They are afraid if they don't disagree or somehow point out that the person is in error, then they are also saying the same thing.

Michelle98272
12-29-2009, 04:06 PM
Most people get uncomfortable when another person acknowledges their own imperfections. They are afraid if they don't disagree or somehow point out that the person is in error, then they are also saying the same thing.

Oh, GAWD! :( Obese is a baaaaaad word. If I was being unkind to myself that is what I would use! I hate that word!

Your explanation does make sense though.

MindiV
12-29-2009, 04:14 PM
I don't like hearing anyone speak of themselves in a derogatory way. Sometimes when my husband makes a mistake he says (like many do), "Gosh I'm SO stupid!" Makes me angry to hear. I'm just as angry to hear him call himself names as I would be to hear someone else call him the same names.

Maybe they're thinking you're saying it in a bad way, and I guess it's "bad" no matter how you really say it. They just react in the same way they would if someone ELSE called you "Fat" I guess...they get angry and defend you, even if they're defending you to yourself.

Eliana
12-29-2009, 04:17 PM
Ugh! "Obese" One of my biggest reality checks was when I was doing clinicals at the hospital and a man who appeared a bit plump to me was labeled "obese male". It just struck me that I probably have a medical chart out there that reads "obese female".

My husband also gets upset when I refer to my "fat". He argues with me that I should not put much stock in BMI's because it doesn't take into consideration any kind of muscle. Hmmm....I don't exercise. And neither does he. So I think it's safe to assume I'm...what's the word...oh yeah...FAT. That picture of me from Thanksgiving? Yep...fat. Last Christmas's picture...fat.

I tend not to use the word in social settings though because it is a taboo word. There's a woman at work who probably weighs around 500 lbs, and she gets the "You are not fat" comments if she brings it up.

Another thing that's hard for me on this message board even is hearing people thinner than I am use the word "fat" to describe themselves. And I know I must do it to other people too, right here in this very post! I have to get over that.

Sarby
12-29-2009, 04:17 PM
Matt said basically what i was going to say... if they don't argue with you or say nothing then it feels like THEY are calling you fat too or agreeing with it anyway.

Aclai4067
12-29-2009, 05:06 PM
I think it depends on the type of girl. I can talk about my weight realistically with my friends without issue. But I knew a lot of girls in high school who'd give me the "you're not fat" thing. Really? Okay, I guess I can have another candy bar and wear a bikini then!

dragonwoman64
12-29-2009, 05:35 PM
I actually feel oddly good about owning it. You can only be in denial for so long!

I get what everybody's saying (I hate the word obese too). I have that feeling sometimes too, about just wanting to say it, and deal with it and own it, and not feel like I should dwell in the depths of shame for being fat.

I was talking to a young (naturally very thin) woman I know and telling her how I gave a bunch of clothes to a nearby women's shelter because they have a hard time getting donations of larger size clothing. She looked so embarrassed (!!) Well, it's pretty obvious I'm not a size 4 :lol:

kaplods
12-29-2009, 06:07 PM
It annoys me that fat is such a considered such a bad word - it's more acceptable to call somone a b- or even a syphyllitic whore, than by Gosh to call anyone fat.

I've told this story many times here, so if you've heard it before, please disregard.

I casually said something about myself being fat to a friend/coworker once at work, and she blurted out "you're not fat." My mouth dropped open, and I started laughing so hard, I nearly peed my pants. I was very nearly 400 lbs at the time, so the first thing that crossed my mind was "on what planet is 400 lbs not fat?"

I REALLY embarassed my friend, and she snapped (a bit miffed that I was laughing at her) "you know what I mean."

And sadly, I did - "fat" was such a terrible, awful, horrific thing - that her intelligent, confident, witty friend could not be such an unspeakable thing. I must be something else (and I'll slap anyone who says "fluffy.")

beerab
12-29-2009, 06:13 PM
That's true- and honestly when my fat friends complain about being fat- I don't say "oh you aren't fat" I say "well you don't have to stay fat- you CAN do something about it" and leave it at that.

But if someone like my sister (who is like 120 lbs) says she's fat I roll my eyes at her lol. I think if she's fat then I must be a WHALE...

And I don't care for people who all the time say "omg I'm so fat" so people can say to them "you aren't fat..."

Coondocks
12-29-2009, 06:25 PM
But if someone like my sister (who is like 120 lbs) says she's fat I roll my eyes at her lol. I think if she's fat then I must be a WHALE...



I have a friend like that, she's not overweight in any sense of the word, but she has her days . . . so I told her once "You aren't fat, Im fat, you're fine" she looked horrified that I would say that and told me "You are not fat!" (I weighed about 80lbs more than her at the time) long story short, since I said it, she hasn't complained about being fat anymore.

It's strange to me though that friends or anyone else would be shocked if I said it, I don't feel like it's a negative thing. I am fat, just like Im short . . . but maybe I don't feel bad because I'm taking the right steps to change it.
Who knows.

Thighs Be Gone
12-29-2009, 06:25 PM
I didn't call myself fat because I cannot stand it when my friends do that--it always seems like they are fishing for a compliment or drama or something. I am meaning the times it is thrown into casual, friendly conversations--not when we are discussing something intimate. Weight issues can be very, very touchy to most people who are overweight, underweight, normal weight. Like politics and religion it's something I veer away from discussing unless I am very intimate with someone.

ETA: And for the women that have the tackiness to stand around at teency weights and complain about their "fatness" to the obese people around them--SHAME ON THEM! They KNOW what they are doing!!!! It would be the same as eating a huge roast in front of a starving person all the while complaining about it's dryness. Do know this though---they are doing it because they deep down, truly feel as if they have nothing to compete with BUT their weight. So sad!

saef
12-29-2009, 07:22 PM
With women, I think it's because there is a female game that centers around using the word "fat." This is the game, which is usually played in front of a mirror:

One girl (looking for reassurance & validation): I am so fat in these jeans.
Girlfriend (to make the other feel better): You are not fat!

This game is so pervasive that when a woman describes herself as "fat," my "feelers" are immediately out, checking out the atmosphere, trying to figure out if she is making a factual statement or if she's playing the game. My experience in the real life off this website is that 95% of the time, she's playing the game. And if I agree to play the game with her, my response is **supposed to be** denial of her fatness.

These days, I am not really into game-playing. She is probably not going to get the response she wants.

Walkloss
12-29-2009, 07:33 PM
My husband calls it "bloat". Not quite as bad as "obese" but still.....

Aclai4067
12-29-2009, 07:36 PM
and I'll slap anyone who says "fluffy."

touche


And on the note of the skinny girls who say "i'm so fat" so you'll say "no your not"... Thank God I don't know anyone who does this these days because the only response I could bring myself to give her would be "you sure are!"

CLCSC145
12-29-2009, 07:43 PM
Fat is about the only term for carrying extra poundage that doesn't make me cringe. Obese is the worst. The word even looks bulbous typed out.

Chubby, fluffy, pleasingly plump, hefty, chunky, bulky, portly, pudgy, thick, curvy (grrrrr REALLY hate this one), rotund, voluptuous, heavyset... The list goes on and on. The word "fat" doesn't sugar coat the issue or degrade, it just tells it like it is.

kaplods
12-29-2009, 07:50 PM
When I was a kid, we had a neighbor (my best friend's grandmother), who would often complain to my mom about being fat. She was very thin, and my mom was overweight. It drove my mom crazy, because she always felt obligated to tell "Agnes" how great she looked.

One day (in a less-than generous mood), instead of saying "you're not overweight, you look great" my mom said "Hmm, it does look like you've put on a bit of weight."


Now Agnes may have been fishing for compliments (which seemed most likely, since the compliments always seemed to make her so happy - even as a kid of 9 or 10, it was rather obvious), or she may have had real body image issues, but regardless, she never mentioned weight ever again to my mom.

kaplods
12-29-2009, 07:53 PM
Fat is about the only term for carrying extra poundage that doesn't make me cringe. Obese is the worst. The word even looks bulbous typed out.

Chubby, fluffy, pleasingly plump, hefty, chunky, bulky, portly, pudgy, thick, curvy (grrrrr REALLY hate this one), rotund, voluptuous, heavyset... The list goes on and on. The word "fat" doesn't sugar coat the issue or degrade, it just tells it like it is.


I Agree, though I don't mind curvy or voluptuous if they're used to describe someone who is only moderately overweight and fits the description (they're proportional and beautiful). Queen Latifah comes to mind. In Chicago, she was HOT! Curves and all.

I don't know that I've ever been curvy or voluptuous - only fat.

CLCSC145
12-29-2009, 07:59 PM
I don't know that I've ever been curvy or voluptuous - only fat.

I think that's why I don't like those words! They have never described me. It's like curvy and voluptuous fat women are the only "acceptable" fat women in society. Grrr.

saef
12-29-2009, 08:31 PM
Okay, I'll admit here that I kind of like "stout," because it sounds a little retro. I've rarely heard anyone below a certain age use that as an adjective. It makes me think of a Helen Hokinson cartoon in the New Yorker. But it's definitely more jocular than "fat."

"Fat" sounds very "reclaimed" and in your face. Which, to me, is a good way to sound. :D

Windchime
12-29-2009, 08:41 PM
Okay, I'll admit here that I kind of like "stout," because it sounds a little retro. I've rarely heard anyone below a certain age use that as an adjective. It makes me think of a Helen Hokinson cartoon in the New Yorker. But it's definitely more jocular than "fat."

"Fat" sounds very "reclaimed" and in your face. Which, to me, is a good way to sound. :D

My sister and I both have chunky thighs (OK, we have fat legs) and when I have complained to her about it, she says that we come by it honestly because we come from "hearty peasant stock". That always makes me laugh. I'm not fat, I'm just descended from hearty peasant stock!

katkitten
12-29-2009, 08:43 PM
isnt it interesting that we hate obese when that is supposed to be the more medical/less pejorative word?

when i quit smoking about 5 years ago, I realized that one of the most important things i needed to do was be more accepting of myself and see things for how they really were. i'm fat. that's not a negative or a positive thing. it just is! And, ironically, by accepting myself as I am I become more capable of change because all that energy I used to use trying to delude myself or beat myself up can be directed towards more positive things!

thistoo
12-29-2009, 08:44 PM
I still make comments about my big butt at the office sometimes, mostly because it's really cramped in our office and my butt is still pretty big. With 40 pounds left to lose on a five foot frame, I have to keep the extra weight somewhere, you know?

But one of my coworkers gets on me every time I say anything about my butt. Then again, she also insists I can't possibly lose 40 more pounds, so who knows. People are weird.

It annoys me that fat is such a considered such a bad word - it's more acceptable to call somone a b- or even a syphyllitic whore, than by Gosh to call anyone fat.

LMAO, kaplods! That same girl I mentioned above called me a Jezebel the other day because I asked if a guy was cute. She basically called me a whore. Classy! But if I call myself fat she jumps all over me. Go figure.

raebeaR
12-29-2009, 08:47 PM
Okay, I'll admit here that I kind of like "stout," because it sounds a little retro. I've rarely heard anyone below a certain age use that as an adjective. It makes me think of a Helen Hokinson cartoon in the New Yorker. But it's definitely more jocular than "fat."

"Fat" sounds very "reclaimed" and in your face. Which, to me, is a good way to sound. :D

LOLOL, saef, I love the way you write -- your posts always crack me up! :D

I know just what you mean about 'stout'... feel like I'm reading a Bertie Wooster story.

I don't mind 'fat,', and I'll take comfortably-padded, Raphaelean, voluptuous, curvy, cherubic or lush.... but please, leave obese out of it!!!

katkitten
12-29-2009, 08:54 PM
oh! i cannot stand "thick". before I put my myspace on private I would get so many icky come ons from men! They would often use that word as in "I like thick girls,digg?" if theydve said "curvy" girls it wouldnt have given me so much ick factor but "thick" makes me feel like a piece of meat.

JulieJ08
12-29-2009, 09:10 PM
isnt it interesting that we hate obese when that is supposed to be the more medical/less pejorative word?



I think it's the difference between describing one's health and medical status, and describing one's appearance and attractiveness.

kaplods
12-29-2009, 09:33 PM
isnt it interesting that we hate obese when that is supposed to be the more medical/less pejorative word?

I really don't mind fat or obese - or even morbidly obese (though the morbid part is a bit "in your face.")

I've seen "super" replace "morbid" on some medical websites, and even distignuish between super obese and super, super obese. I guess that might be an improvement. I'm not sure though, super has other connotations that I'm not sure really belong.

I just imagine that being super obese - I should be wearing a cape and spandex.

katkitten
12-29-2009, 09:42 PM
I just imagine that being super obese - I should be wearing a cape and spandex.
:lol:

CanadianCutie
12-29-2009, 09:52 PM
LOL kaplods. Super Obese, hmmmmm a good superhero name could be Captain Flab.

Lucky Charm
12-29-2009, 10:09 PM
I was seriously wondering if I should bring up a question like this... I absolutely hate it. So many people around me do that. Example: I'd jokingly say maybe I should opt for a lower fat Subway sandwich than one with a lot of calories and I'd get the angry, "Tsk! You're not fat!"

Another example. There used to be a girl at my workplace and while I wouldn't call her my friend, we were on good terms. Anyway, there's a girl at the workplace that she doesn't like. And she's about a size 10 or 12. Not fat in any way, in my opinion. So the catty first girl (who is probably a size 2 or 4) kept calling her fat in a nasty way. I said, "If you think she's fat then I wonder what you think of me!" And she goes, "Oh noooooo, you're not fat at all!"

Honestly. Some people. I really don't want people to think I'd be offended if I were called fat. Or that I'm fishing for compliments, wanting someone to just tell me, "Oh, you're not fat at all!" It really doesn't bother me. I'm just stating a fact.

Eliana
12-29-2009, 10:21 PM
Then again, she also insists I can't possibly lose 40 more pounds, so who knows. People are weird.


People tell me that too. They're appalled when I say I want to lose 100 lbs or that I have 75 more to go. I think they mean well, but I just keep thinking, do you know the number on my scale? Trust me. I'm short. I can afford to lose the weight. My goal of 135 is nowhere near unrealistic for my height.

Momto2Ms
12-30-2009, 10:30 AM
I think that fat is such an emotionally charged word for so many people, myself included. I am having a difficult time in my head articulating how I feel about it, but it will always be a "bad" word for me.

I am an oddball, but I would prefer to be referred to as obese because no one has ever used that in a hurtful way against me.

Mikayla
12-30-2009, 11:02 AM
3 days after I started dieting I went to a huge Valentine's Day party. I turned down almost all the food that was offered to me and people kept asking why...well the 100th time someone asked me why i wasn't eating the unhealthy food I told her I was dieting...nd then she asked why again. I answered "Cause I'm really fat." The entire room got silent and the girl I was talking to laughed uncomfortably and slinked away. I still laugh about it now, I honestly have no idea why it made her so uncomfortable, I was huge it was not a secret and saying I'm dieting wasn't enough.

lottie63
12-30-2009, 11:06 AM
omg. I totally agree.

I recently said at work something about blahblah, too fat for that and the guy looked HORRIFIED. he also looked embarassed for me, which I thought was far more rude than me saying I was fat.

a not so fat girl was once working at lane bryant and I said, jokingly, "Oh man you guys don't have my size in jeans, looks like all the fat girls got here before me." *Enter look of horror on cashiers face*

hahaha! So ridiculous. It's just a word, it's all in how you use it.

and I always say I'm too fat for the backseat btw. :P I am. getting in and out is just awful.

saef
12-30-2009, 11:32 AM
Are you actually **allowed** to say "fat" in Lane Bryant?

[Trying to imagine the size coding peculiar to said store being changed to "Like, Really Fat," "Overweight," "Obese," "Super Obese," etc.]

From the evidence offered in this thread, "fat" seems to be going the way of all the nasty racial slurs of the past.

And yeah, "thick" does sound like a piece of steak (like it ought to be followed by "juicy"), but because I am a really death-pale white girl who lives in a relatively white, suburban world, I don't hear it much, and I find it exotic. But that whole group of men who like fat women seem so kinky to me. They must be like the guys turned on by "plushies." (Who knew???)

Shout out to raeBear: I'm happy to make the palindrome member laugh!

JulieJ08
12-30-2009, 11:50 AM
a not so fat girl was once working at lane bryant and I said, jokingly, "Oh man you guys don't have my size in jeans, looks like all the fat girls got here before me." *Enter look of horror on cashiers face*

Sounds like fun and games ;) Although, at least these people care about your feelings, vs. the encounters described in other threads of people just being nasty.

Aclai4067
12-30-2009, 12:16 PM
Another example. There used to be a girl at my workplace and while I wouldn't call her my friend, we were on good terms. Anyway, there's a girl at the workplace that she doesn't like. And she's about a size 10 or 12. Not fat in any way, in my opinion. So the catty first girl (who is probably a size 2 or 4) kept calling her fat in a nasty way. I said, "If you think she's fat then I wonder what you think of me!" And she goes, "Oh noooooo, you're not fat at all!"

Ha. This makes me think of a guy I knew in high school talking about a girl's gross cellulite thighs and I was like "Um, my gross cellulite thighs are twice the size of hers." His response was "yeah but you're cool so it's okay." What?

ubergirl
12-30-2009, 12:42 PM
It took me a REALLY long time to ever be able to call myself fat or talk about fatness outloud, but before I started my weight loss journey, I had gotten to the point where I could joke around about my fat and feel comfortable with it. And if anyone gave me the "you're not fat" comment, I would just laugh and grab a roll.

But one interesting thing I've found is that I used to get paralyzed with shame whenever anyone started talking about dieting or weight loss or calorie counting or working out. I HATED it when people talked like that, (or when skinny girls said they needed to lose ten pounds...)

But weirdly enough, now I don't mind. I jump into conversations with the skinny girls about gyms and calories, and where I used to feel that those conversations were judging me, now I feel like the conversations are supportive. And the only thing that has changed is my mindset.

And I find that my thin and fit friends are really supportive about my weight loss, always noticing and complimenting me, whereas my heavier friends sometimes get "that look". And I know where they are coming from-- they think I'm judging them for eating crap while I'm "being a saint..." Which is odd, because I'm not judging them. I know exactly what it feels like to be the fat girl helping herself to more cake. So I feel compassion.

I dunno.

Anyway, I'm with Saef, and I often employ stout, love the word FAT and absolutely despise "fluffy" as though those fat cells felt like down pillows-- NOT!

kaplods
12-30-2009, 01:11 PM
LOL kaplods. Super Obese, hmmmmm a good superhero name could be Captain Flab.

Or, maybe Flabulous Woman


Hm, supervillains are always more interesting than the superheros, so I'm thinking maybe a catwoman style villain (skin-tight black pleather showing off all the rolls, and of course, I'd have a trail of chubby chaser henchmen).

Mistress Flabulous (Flabulous pronounced in drawn out drawl - Flaaaahbulous).

TJFitnessDiva
12-30-2009, 01:27 PM
Or, maybe Flabulous Woman


Hm, supervillains are always more interesting than the superheros, so I'm thinking maybe a catwoman style villain (skin-tight black pleather showing off all the rolls, and of course, I'd have a trail of chubby chaser henchmen).

Mistress Flabulous (Flabulous pronounced in drawn out drawl - Flaaaahbulous).

:rofl:

I really like that.....I totally missed pages 2 and 3 of this post but to come back to this is awesome! lol

girlonfire
12-30-2009, 02:22 PM
It's already been mentioned, but I think a lot of people believe that when someone mentions their weight or how they're fat, they are deep down fishing for compliments. I get very frustrated when people complain about their weight to me(people on the thinner side) because I feel that they purposely seek out larger people to complain to so they can receive their validation. And when one of does that, perhaps in their minds we are doing the same thing they are(even if we are not) and it bothers them. Just my two cents; I am all for speaking the truth!

And LOL at captain Flaaaaaaahbulous!

Aclai4067
12-30-2009, 02:56 PM
I don't think the word "stout" works for me. I am NOT a little teapot.

I occasionally just use the terms "big" or "plus size." I'm okay with "thick," but I don't really picture a fat woman when people say thick, I just picture a woman who has some fat (if that made sense to anyone but me). I'm also okay with "chubby", but like thick, I just don't feel like it describes me. "Fluffy", "squishy" or "pleasantly plump" are just obnoxiously optimistic to me. "Huskey" and "portly" are about the two worst words I can imagine.

I use the term obese when talking clinically about my weight and my progress, but I wouldn't be okay with anyone but a doctor calling me obese. When i'm just describing myself "fat" is my term of choice. It's acurate, it doesn't sugarcoat it, and it doesn't hurt me to say it.

megwini
12-30-2009, 03:26 PM
I never called myself fat; I was always too embarrassed. But now that I'm thin, I adamantly REFUSE to call myself fat, ever. Those skinny girls who called themselves fat always annoyed the **** outta me. When I got home from X-mas break my mom got mad at me and told me I needed to gain some weight back because she thinks I have anorexia and explained to my brother that that means girls think they're fat when they're not, and I responded with "Are you CRAZY? I'm not fat at all!" and I then proceeded to go eat some oatmeal and ask what time dinner was at. I'm not sure if that's the reaction she was expecting... :lol:

Lori Bell
12-30-2009, 04:54 PM
Why does it make people of average size uncomfortable when you say you're fat?

Well, because they are embarrassed for you. Simple as that. It makes me uncomfortable when people call themselves fat, or dumb, or ugly, or any other flaw that I can see is the truth. Makes me feel badly and embarrassed for them. I never called myself fat in public even at over 300 pounds because everyone around me could see that I was morbidly obese, why draw more attention to an already uncomfortable subject.

Actually, this is a very interesting thread, and I agree that it is equally annoying when skinny chicks call themselves fat, and of course we all know that the majority of them are fishing for compliments...but what about the skinny chicks that go on about how skinny they are? This is more comparable to a fat chick going on about how fat they are in my opinion....both are sticky subjects and not a very worthy conversation topic in a private setting much less a work setting in my opinion. If I were in a situation 2 years ago that the OP was in with the car ride to the meeting, I would have simply requested the front seat and if anyone would have challenged me or questioned WHY, (which I'm sure no one would have even questioned it and therefore would be no need to add to the discussion that I was too FAT for the back seat...;)) I would have quitely said that I would be more comfortable in the front....period. What if one of the people going to the meeting were super thin and petite and said, "I have to sit in the car seat because I'm so thin and tiny"....People would be uncomfortable with that too don't you imagine? Or what if the pretty one said, I have to sit in the front because I'm so beautiful and I need everyone to see me better, and the brightest one said I need to drive because I'm so much smarter than everyone....It's crass.

Michelle98272
12-30-2009, 05:49 PM
I posted this question yesterday before leaving for work and just now came back in time to read the responses. Wow!! I really appreciate everyone's feedback. I can understand a bit better why people seem uncomfortable with me stating the obvious, that I am FAT. I am not going to stop saying it though (I truly don't say it very often and NEVER to get someone to tell me "you are not fat!") , crass or not. It is what it is...Thanks for your input.

BeachBreeze2010
12-30-2009, 08:42 PM
Thank you ladies for a great laugh. One of the things I have been thinking about a lot lately as I begin my journey is how I am going to handle others' reactions to my changes. I thought, mortified, that if I ate differently they would all assume I was trying to lose weight. Then, by definition, I must be unhappy with my weight. I feel like I have to publicly admit that I am fat in order to lose weight. Does that make sense? It was very refreshing to hear your openness about "being fat." I clearly need to work on acceptance of the reality of my size. Maybe I should go to Lane Bryant and use your quote - that might help! LOL!

Aclai4067
12-30-2009, 09:26 PM
in regards to the OP's situation, I have the advantage of being taller than all of my friends (except the guys) so unless the boyfriends are with us I can pull the "i'm too tall for the back seat" card!

I thought, mortified, that if I ate differently they would all assume I was trying to lose weight. Then, by definition, I must be unhappy with my weight. I feel like I have to publicly admit that I am fat in order to lose weight.
I used to feel like this in my earlier attempts to lose weight. The way I see it now is that everyone clearly knows I'm fat (even my VI friends can see THAT much) and I'd rather they see me working on it than ignoring it!

kaplods
12-30-2009, 10:11 PM
Why does it make people of average size uncomfortable when you say you're fat?

Well, because they are embarrassed for you. Simple as that. It makes me uncomfortable when people call themselves fat, or dumb, or ugly, or any other flaw that I can see is the truth. .


I am not ashamed of being fat. I don't feel I should be, and I don't feel anyone should be ashamed for me. I don't even consider my fat to be a flaw (just as I don't consider my diabetes to be a flaw. Both are not the best things in the world to be - neither are something to be proud of, both are to a degree my own fault as they're lifestyle-related, but I'm not ashamed of being either.

I find it offensive that fat is considered a bad word, and not just a descriptive one like tall, short, blonde or thin. I feel it shouldn't be a bad word, it shouldn't be an offensive word. Realistically, I know that in this society it IS a bad word, but the only way to make it NOT a bad word is to use it - so I do - and I tell people WHY I use the word (and often, they stop being embarassed about the word. They don't always choose to use it, but they understand why I do).

My best friend (gay male) once told me that he didn't like me using the word "fat" to describe myself so often and so casually, and I asked him did he have a problem calling himself "gay?" He said, "of course not."


I asked "even though other people use it as a bad word and a nasty name?"

I think he understood, because he smiled, and I said.

"I'm a fabulous person, I just also happen to be a fat - in fact, a very fat fabulous person."





What if one of the people going to the meeting were super thin and petite and said, "I have to sit in the car seat because I'm so thin and tiny"....People would be uncomfortable with that too don't you imagine? Or what if the pretty one said, I have to sit in the front because I'm so beautiful and I need everyone to see me better, and the brightest one said I need to drive because I'm so much smarter than everyone....It's crass.


Actually, I think these are poor parallels, as they are preferences - however not being able to fit comfortably in the back seat often isn't a preference, it's a need. And the person stating the need should have the right to state the need or explain the need as they see fit.

Many people may have the same need - a very tall person, a person with arthritis or other mobility or flexibility issues, a fat person - and they should be able to express that need without embarassment - and the degree to which they explain their need, should be their choice.


I have no problem saying "I am not going to fit in that space," whether that space is a car, a spindly armed-chair, a restaurant booth......


Usually stating the need without referring to the word "fat" does work fine - but you wouldn't believe how many times I've been asked "why" when I've tried to be subtle about such things, and I end up having to actually say "because I'm fat." I'm usually not rude enough to then say "Duh" (but I'm thinking it).

megwini
12-30-2009, 10:20 PM
I find it offensive that fat is considered a bad word, and not just a descriptive one like tall, short, blonde or thin. I feel it shouldn't be a bad word, it shouldn't be an offensive word.

And the sad thing is that a lot of these words are also not descriptive; calling someone short is often considered offensive, and there is the whole stereotype of dumb blondes...

I think maybe society as a whole just really needs a wakeup call.

DCHound
12-30-2009, 10:58 PM
I was trying to make a photocopy at work the other day and there were some boxes stacked up in front of the copier. I said, I can not fit my fat *** through there. One of my coworkers hollered at me, YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!! (I think he has a little crush on me.) It was nice. :)

wonderwitch121
12-30-2009, 11:05 PM
Hey, I know I won't say I am "Fat" I will say I am morbidly obese...whatcha think, is that better? "OMG, I am sorry I cannot sit there because I am morbidly obese." Why better. Almost like saying hey, I cannot eat that because I am allergic.

katkitten
12-30-2009, 11:46 PM
But one interesting thing I've found is that I used to get paralyzed with shame whenever anyone started talking about dieting or weight loss or calorie counting or working out. I HATED it when people talked like that, (or when skinny girls said they needed to lose ten pounds...)

But weirdly enough, now I don't mind. I jump into conversations with the skinny girls about gyms and calories, and where I used to feel that those conversations were judging me, now I feel like the conversations are supportive. And the only thing that has changed is my mindset.

This is always something I struggle with. Sometimes, when I am not dieting, I feel like people are purposefully talking alot about diet and exercise around me in hopes that they will get me interested or educate me. I REAALLLLLY hate the assumption that because i'm fat i must not know about nutrition and weight loss. I've been struggling with my weight since I was 8 for goodness sakes! I knew how many calories were in a pound by the time I was 10! I know that a lot of the time they are just talking about it because that is what is on their mind but I have had people give unsolicited analyses of the food i am eating or my exercise regimen fairly regularly. maybe it is because i am in healthcare? dunno. So it is a sensitive issue for me. For me, the emotion i experience is not shame but defensiveness. Like a little kid I revert to a dont tell me what to do and how to do it mentality.

However, when I AM living a healthy lifestyle, these diet/exercise conversations ARE very supportive and enjoyable. Part of the change is that now we have something more in common, i suppose.

im just rambling. time for bed :)

Nada
12-31-2009, 10:14 AM
katkitten, you do have to choose your audience carefully, don't you? I also love talking about nutrution and fitness, but I try to make sure it doesn't offend. Sometimes to the point I think I'm very reticent about my journey. However it's all in the perception---if someone were uncomfortable with my changes they might accuse me of talking about it all the time (yeah, that has happened).

However I do think I've lost one more thing in losing weight. I used to look at people and see them as they were, static as it were. Now if I'm not careful when I look at larger people I can imagine what they would look like if they lost weight. Now, I NEVER say anything and I hope it doesn't show on my face but the thought does flit through my mind. Wierd, huh? OK, that might have been a bit off topic....back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Aclai4067
12-31-2009, 10:33 AM
This is always something I struggle with. Sometimes, when I am not dieting, I feel like people are purposefully talking alot about diet and exercise around me in hopes that they will get me interested or educate me. I REAALLLLLY hate the assumption that because i'm fat i must not know about nutrition and weight loss. I've been struggling with my weight since I was 8 for goodness sakes! I knew how many calories were in a pound by the time I was 10! I know that a lot of the time they are just talking about it because that is what is on their mind but I have had people give unsolicited analyses of the food i am eating or my exercise regimen fairly regularly. maybe it is because i am in healthcare? dunno. So it is a sensitive issue for me. For me, the emotion i experience is not shame but defensiveness. Like a little kid I revert to a dont tell me what to do and how to do it mentality.

However, when I AM living a healthy lifestyle, these diet/exercise conversations ARE very supportive and enjoyable. Part of the change is that now we have something more in common, i suppose.

im just rambling. time for bed :)

Yeah these conversations can be very enjoyable or insanely offensive depending on the tone. One of my jobs is working at a gym, so I talk about my weight loss and exercise with co-workers a lot. Usually I enjoy these conversations, but one co-worker told me "don't worry about exercise, you just need to lay off the sweets" *wink*. Granted my adrenaline was already up because this was in the middle of my workout, but I've never wanted to punch someone so badly in my life. It was the most condescending advice I've ever gotten: "cut out the sweets" really? So that's what I'm doing wrong! Thank you for saving me from the misguided notion that the snickers bars would help me lose weight. Secondly, we work at a gym, you don't tell people they don't need to exercise! And the knowing wink just really threw it over the top. The wink in my now enraged mind was saying "come on, we all know you were gonna go to krispy kreme after this, weren't you?" This coming from a man who's never seen me eat. He has no knowledge of my eating habits beyond the presumptions one might make on the basis that I am fat.

Sorry, that turned into a rant there, but normally I really enjoy talking to my co-workers about my weight-loss. Most of them are insightful and supportive.

** I love how many different directions this thread has gone. It's all been quite fun and interesting!

kaplods
12-31-2009, 11:29 AM
I think sometimes we've been trained to be too appropriate. Even in the face of inappropriateness, people struggle to find the appropriate resonse.

If someone had made the comment about sweets to me, I probably would have said something like "you're an idiot, aren't you?"

I would have said it with a smile, not so much out of being nice - but because people don't know how to respond to an inappropriate comment when it's given cheerfully (which is why this guy can say such stuff without getting punched).

ubergirl
12-31-2009, 11:59 AM
This is always something I struggle with. Sometimes, when I am not dieting, I feel like people are purposefully talking alot about diet and exercise around me in hopes that they will get me interested or educate me. I REAALLLLLY hate the assumption that because i'm fat i must not know about nutrition and weight loss. I've been struggling with my weight since I was 8 for goodness sakes! I knew how many calories were in a pound by the time I was 10! I know that a lot of the time they are just talking about it because that is what is on their mind but I have had people give unsolicited analyses of the food i am eating or my exercise regimen fairly regularly. maybe it is because i am in healthcare? dunno. So it is a sensitive issue for me. For me, the emotion i experience is not shame but defensiveness. Like a little kid I revert to a dont tell me what to do and how to do it mentality.

However, when I AM living a healthy lifestyle, these diet/exercise conversations ARE very supportive and enjoyable. Part of the change is that now we have something more in common, i suppose.

im just rambling. time for bed :)

Yeah... I hear you girl.

I got into one of these awkward conversations at work the other day-- I was working with someone I don't know well and I was talking calories with another one of my coworkers....

I think A LOT of the reason I talk a lot about calories at work is that work is a place I really tended to overeat and a lot of my colleagues are on the heavy side-- so there is a lot of encouragement to overeat, eat crap, stick my hand into bags of candy, etc. So talking about my diet reminds people not to offer that stuff to me.

So anyway, this other woman, she's on the heavy side-- about my height, but maybe twenty-five pounds heavier...-- and she mentions tracking calories with an app on her phone....

I get excited and think "oh, here's a heavier lady who's counting calories, maybe we have something in common...."

Only it turns out that she's had a gastric bypass about 5 years ago, and she started kind of stammering and looking embarrassed and defensive, meanwhile, the last thing on MY mind is that she should be embarrassed-- heck, if anyone understands the struggle, it's me!

But, I don't think anything I said set her at ease. I think she felt judged because everybody was complimenting me for losing all the weight by counting calories while she had had WLS and hadn't been able to keep her weight off.

But it wasn't me doing the judging... it's just such a sensitive situation that it's just hard to get it right.

Aclai4067
12-31-2009, 03:44 PM
I think sometimes we've been trained to be too appropriate. Even in the face of inappropriateness, people struggle to find the appropriate resonse.

If someone had made the comment about sweets to me, I probably would have said something like "you're an idiot, aren't you?"

I would have said it with a smile, not so much out of being nice - but because people don't know how to respond to an inappropriate comment when it's given cheerfully (which is why this guy can say such stuff without getting punched).

The sad thing is, he IS an idoit! He wasn't really trying to be condescending, it just felt that way because a 28 year old man should have more sense. But he really, truely felt he was giving me very helpful advice.

kaplods
12-31-2009, 04:38 PM
The sad thing is, he IS an idoit! He wasn't really trying to be condescending, it just felt that way because a 28 year old man should have more sense. But he really, truely felt he was giving me very helpful advice.


That fact is what usually helps me keep a smile on my face (and usually, even in my heart). It's no skin off my nose, if other people act like idiots. Or even if through no fault of their own, they don't have a clue or are completey uninformed - it doesn 't really matter the topic. I'm confident in my own knowledge, so other's lack of knowledge is rarely very upsetting.

If someone tells me I can cure warts by rubbing frog pee on them - I'm not going to get offended, I'm going to laugh my *** off (if not in front of their face, then maybe later - or at least in my head). Depending on the situation, when someone says something I find completely ridiculous or that I know is just plain wrong, I don't necessarily argue or correct them (though sometimes I do) or I might say "how interesting," or "maybe you have a point" - and inside my head I may be thinking "what a moron". Now I might think they're a benign or harmless moron or I might think they're a rude and nasty moron - but generally I think most of the time it's just a case of being garden-variety morons with neither ill or good intent, when they spout off about something they don't understand (I'm sure other people are often thinking - legitimately - the same thing about me).



My dad is a perfect example of cluelessness. He was thin all of his working life, and all of my life he constantly told my mother and I how easy it should be for us to lose weight. "Just eat less," "Just skip meals," "If you're hungry, that's good - be happy, it means you're losing weight."

Then he retired from an active job, and began to look pregnant. He looked like he was in his second trimester before he started to work on his own weight. And oh, boy did it feel like the table had turned, because now it was him griping about how hard it was to get the weight off, how slow it was coming off, how he was hungry all of the time, how it just wasn't fair to only get one cookie instead of a dozen or 1/2 cup of icecream instead of a pint every night.

Mom and I would say (relatively nicely I think) "See, it's not so easy, is it," when at least on my part, I wanted to say some of the stuff he'd said to us. I just couldn't be that mean (or on days when I felt mean enough, I didn't think I could say any of it with a straight face).

I have to say that he's done fairly well getting the weight off. Getting his blood pressure and cholesterol levels down haven't been as successful. He's willing to eat less, but he's not really willing to eat better. His eating habits aren't super terrible (he does eat the healthy meals Mom or my sister makes, but a day isn't complete for him unless it contains a fair amount of sugar and salt).