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Old 12-24-2009, 05:26 PM   #1  
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Default Is my problem mental or physical? (Long personal ramblings)

I'm frustrated.

It's Christmas eve and I'm feeling pretty cruddy. Probably the last three Christmases I've been pretty unhappy - though nothing's changed in my life, aside from starting university. I just feel like over the last few years I have become so much more self-aware. Aware of my failings and strengths, aware of my disadvantages (it's funny but growing up poor didn't bother me as much as a child), aware of how tired I am. Aware that society, even one as 'developed' as Canada's (lol, yes, I'm Canadian), is still class-based and image conscious. Thin, beautiful women are favoured socially and economically.

I am not fat. I am almost 5'8 and 160 pounds at most (usually I'm in the 150's). I consider myself a little chunky, and certainly not thin like I was before I began being more depressive and self-medicating with food. Which is what distrubs me most - yes, I would LOVE to lose some weight - but more than that, I would love to not feel addicted to food. I would love not to have a problemed relationship with food.

I am not happy right now. I feel lonely and under-stimulated. My relationship with my family is strained, and I am sad to say that I don't feel my current circle of friends is 'feeding' me - emotionally, intelletually, socially. I feel alone, and I feel that the people around me are there more out of convenience, rather than true connection. Rather than reflecting who I really am or what I like or what my values are, they are there out of proximity and happenstance.

I am lonely, so I feed myself instead. I think I'm a reasonably intelligent person (at least others have told me so hahah). I do believe that I have the power to change who I am - to grow a new circle of friends, to be happy, to hopefully work in a meaningful and engaging career in my future.

But so often I am beating myself down. It feels like a constant struggle. Yes, it is easier on some days, but it is harder on others. I feel like I yo-yo emotionally all the time. I can be outgoing - I prefer it when I'm being an extrovert - but often my lack of confidence leads me to be quite (painfully) shy. I feel like I'm missing out.

I wish I were more confident about my body; I wish it were smaller, so I would be more motivated to wear nicer clothes than I do and be more confident about who I am (LOL not that I am a slob, I even think I'm quite naturally attractive, aside from carrying some extra weight). I wish I were more engaged and excited about my friends and what's going on in the social world around me than what I'm going to eat (or not eat, if I'm on a 'diet'), on a day-to-day basis.

So this all sounds psychological. Eat healthy, eat a bit less, excercise. Stay on course long enough to lose the weight I want to lose, then maintain. Confidence and health boost. Improved social life, leading to a happier me. It's all attitude, right? Mind over matter - hard work and dedication = results.

This seems perfectly reasonable. Everytime I have embarked on a healthier lifestyle change, it all seems much simpler than I thought it would be. I wonder why I didn't start earlier, am amazed at how much I better I feel, and how easy it is to stay away from junk food (after all, it's just food!). And then I run up against a brick wall - this can happen days, weeks, or even months into a new diet.

I feel this overwhelming urge to eat. I feel like I can't do it anymore. I physically feel light-headed and dizzy. I thought on previous attempts I was restricting too much, which is why I've been feeling this way. So I've been trying to eat around 1800 calories a day, which should be plenty (just enough for me to lose weight on, really).

I always eat breakfast - I know that skipping meals is disasterous for me. Lately I've been eating more at breakfast, adding in fruit. I try making healthy, reasonable choices throughout the day (lean proteins, fruits, veggies, whole grains, small portions of sweets if I have to). I also exercise (or at least walk a lot during the day if I don't get a chance to do cardio and weight lift). I no longer have to work graveyard shifts at work, so my sleeping patterns have improved over the last couple of weeks.

I think I'm doing the physical stuff right. Except I'm STILL running up against that brick wall. WHY? Is it simply my lack of determination? Old habits die hard? Is there a physical reason? I'm only 21, and I've consulted my doctor regarding possible thyroid and diabetes issues (just in case, as I have a family history of both). Blood tests show that every thing is normal. Am I just not ready to quit?

I guess I'm asking if anyone thinks I should be doing any thing differently, or if really I should be focusing more on changing the mental aspect of doing this? If so, how do you mentally cope with that overwhelming desire to eat, eat, eat?

What am I doing wrong? I don't get it.
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Old 12-24-2009, 06:08 PM   #2  
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Hey!

Well... eating to feel better is a habit like any other... sometimes it's practically an addiction... and that means that when the going gets tough, you will likely want to eat. That doesn't mean you HAVE to eat, just that you'll want to...

What else is going on in your life? Are you in school? Do you have a job? Do you live at home, or are you living in your own place, or with roommates? Have any ummm romantic interests? Getting over a break up?

It might help to know where you're at in these things.

Jay
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Old 12-24-2009, 07:17 PM   #3  
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Oh my goodness, my initial post was so long! hahah

Yes, I'm in school - I will be graduating with my BA in the spring. I am scared about the future (a bit excited too, but mostly scared), because I'm not sure what I'm doing after that career-wise (I am hoping to do some travelling first because so far in my life I have not had the opportunity to do that). I work part-time at a high-end hotel (which often has a lot of free food from the restaurant, btw).

I moved out of my parent's place a year and a half ago now (there was too much stress there - too many fights, and too many restrictions). I'll be staying over there tonight for christmas. I have a roommate, an older woman who owns this condo and rents out the room - I like her and the apartment and am quite happy with this current living arrangement (there is even a gym downstairs, which I have never had before).

HAHAHHAHAH! Romantic interests - no, I am hopelessly single. I have never had a boyfriend (and I study Arts, which is overpopulated with other girls). However, I did date a boy briefly over the summer who I was (and honestly still am) head over heals for. But he broke it off. I am sure my lack of self-confidence ruined it with him (including how I feel about my weight). I know it sounds silly, but I grew up poor with immigrant parents (they're Egyptian lol), and a lot of other obstacles, including an older brother who has been very ill for most of his life (and continues to be). The boy I was dating came from a very well off family (I didn't know this at first), and I think in my mind I just didn't think he would understand where I was coming from, which contributed to my lack of confidence in the whole situation.

Anyway, I haven't seen him since the summer and it doesn't matter any more. I just want to move on and be the best person I can be. I want to be healthy and strong and energized. I want to be confident with my body; I want it to do my "bidding" lol. I want to be well dressed and presented. I don't want to be controlled by food.

I rationally know don't have to eat, it just FEELS like sometimes I have to. Haha, yes, I often do feel like an addict.
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Old 12-24-2009, 07:46 PM   #4  
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You've definitely given this a lot of thought. I think the results are in the details. I feel a lot like you about food. It's just food, so why is it so darn hard?!? Well, it just is and so let's figure this out and find a solution. For me, the best solution was:

count calories (sounds like you're doing that)
keep a food log
exercise A LOT....I just don't lose that much without the workouts
keep moving (sounds like you do that)
visualize success (I do this every day. I do it when I'm working out, when I want to eat, etc.)
having a plan is imperative (to me anyway). I have a plan for what to eat and I also have a plan for what to do when my resolve starts to fade and I want to go off plan. I chew gum, crunches, crochet, paint my nails, drink hot tea, watch weight loss videos on youtube, dance around to favorite songs on you tube (yes, I'm a dork, but I'm getting to be a thinner dork , call a friend, take a walk, go somewhere that has no food (for me, that would be to go upstairs, but I know that's not always possible for everyone). I also try to identify the actual emotion behind WHY I feel that I need to eat.

That brings me to something that really stood out in your post. You mentioned that you are eating 1800 good quality calories a day but that you still get hungry. If you're getting enough water, and your doctor thinks all is fine, then I think it IS psychological. You need to figure out what exactly the emotion is behind the hunger and ask yourself if food will fill that space within you. I think not. Does food ever make things better? Not long term. I'm a food addict and you can find me on the Chicks in Control forum here. When I really want to binge, I go on the Binge Emergency thread that we have going there and I post. The act of posting there has helped me a whole lot.

In summary: drink water, exercise more, avoid eating more than your alloted calories. It will take time, but the changes will come and you will be a lot closer to our goal. One thing to watch out for: happiness comes from within. Sorry to sound so cliche, but it's really true. If you even reach your goal and you aren't satisfied with your life, there's a good chance that you will feel unsatisfied with your loss. Having a great figure doesn't fix the internal stuff that goes on with us. I am so sorry if this sounds preachy. I'm just short on time. I think you are obviously VERY intelligent and you can DO THIS. It's not about motivation, it's about consistency. If you wax and wane, so will your weight.

Ok, enough from me already! I hope you figure things out and that things will improve for you. I am sure you can find your way!
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Old 12-24-2009, 09:15 PM   #5  
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Seems like at least now you know which way you should be heading.

Take responsibility and let go of the past. Some times it's worth it to say 'screw it!', and start all over.

Don't let your weight shatter your dreams of the future.
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Old 12-25-2009, 07:02 AM   #6  
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Hey again,

I think you are feeling a lot of anxiety, as anyone your age and about to finish school would likely feel. It sounds like you don't know what to do, so you tend to eat to try to stop that uncomfortable feeling.

I think once you decide what you'll do after you finish school, you'll feel better. But don't rush into a decision just for that reason. Talk to counselors and teachers at school--get some input from people in your field who have some knowledge about it. And talk to your classmates about their plans. This information can help to guide you.

(I came from a working-class family and was the first to go to college, and my parents weren't able to guide me because they hadn't done that.)

Right now your weight and height are still in the "normal" range according to the BMI chart, so that's good. You might want to hop over to the Featherweights forum:

http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/featherweights-197/

This is where people who have less to lose, or who are close to goal, can compare notes and strategies.

1800 calories sounds good--although if you are exercising a lot, you might need more to keep you from feeling too hungry. That's another reason why people go off their plan. Be sure that you have a small snack with protein half an hour before you do a workout. And, if you feel lightheaded afterward, have a small snack then.

I also want to suggest that it's better to focus on your art studies than on your body. Sometimes people, and especially women I think, target their body as being a problem when it's not the most important thing.

Good luck to you! Feel better!

Jay
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Old 12-26-2009, 08:39 AM   #7  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JayEll View Post
Hey again,

I think you are feeling a lot of anxiety, as anyone your age and about to finish school would likely feel. It sounds like you don't know what to do, so you tend to eat to try to stop that uncomfortable feeling.

I think once you decide what you'll do after you finish school, you'll feel better. But don't rush into a decision just for that reason. Talk to counselors and teachers at school--get some input from people in your field who have some knowledge about it. And talk to your classmates about their plans. This information can help to guide you.

Jay
Mouse, it sounds like your life is has alot of uncertainties at this time, which it really normal for your age. Jay has good advice for you.

Also I want you to know that you deserve to feel good about yourself. You deserve the very best.
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Old 12-26-2009, 05:23 PM   #8  
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It sounds like you're responding physically to a mental problem. You sound like you're depressed because you feel like you're not getting a lot out of life. I would suggest joining a community, maybe one centered around exercise. This way you'll meet new people and have something to focus on other than food and your bad feelings.
Sometimes, when you're stuck inside your own head, if you help other people it will in turn help you. I joined a sports team when I went away to college and I lost weight but gained a lot of confidence from feeling stronger and knowing I was taking action. Also I know that some places, like yoga studios, often build very strong communities... try something like this out. Or just take an art class, or try something interesting that you feel like would enrich yourself.
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Old 12-26-2009, 05:44 PM   #9  
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just wanted to add that younger guys are not always so eager to be in a serious relationship. who knows, it may not have mattered who the woman was, he may not have wanted things to progress to any serious point.

personally, I'd say moving away from food addiction required me realizing what emotions I wanted to stuff down, like Jay is saying, and learning to deal with them in non-food ways (I'm not always 100 percent successful, but I've made significant strides). you have a big list of life things you're anxious about. Go triage, deal with what you have to deal with immediately, and put the other pots on the back burner to be handled when you get to them.

knowing what you want is more than half the battle. you can work towards goals that you have.

one last thing, look at it this way, there are lots of unknowns, and new things on your horizon, and while that can be anxiety producing, there's also a side to that that's incredibly exciting and fresh, with great experiences waiting for you right ahead. remember the joyful part of that.
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