General chatter - Ladies am i wrong?




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TIARA
12-15-2009, 04:30 AM
Okay.. I know im gonna get hated :(on but i really want to know what other people think about this subject. I've talked about this with my friends and recently with my mom..lol.. (that was a very intresting conversation) the question is when dating is it a turn off to have your boyfriend cry in front of you? My responce is yes.. I wouldnt want a boyfriend who crys more than i do and i really cant remeber the last time i cried. im not saying men cant cry but growing up i always saw it as a weakness. Also when people cry around me it makes me uncomfortable because i dont know what to do..lol
my mom thinks im nuts she said all the usual things that its okay for men to cry its a release of emotion that they must express. my friend told me her boyfriend cried in front of her when they were having a fight and then she started crying but then again she's always been able to cry at a drop of a hat.... at the end of the day i cant help wondering maybe this is why im single....lol:p


Robsia
12-15-2009, 04:59 AM
Guys have it from all angles - growing up they get told by their dads that 'men don't cry' - then they get older and get the lesson from elsewhere that maybe it is OK to cry, and then you're saying the opposite.

Men have feelings, just like we do.

Men hurt, just like we do.

Men need to express those feelings, just like we do.

My fiancÚ has had a **** of a bad 18 months, his wife left him, she then alienated his two boys so they don't want to see him, his business is going under because of the recession and he is about to lose his home as he is being forced to sell it to pay his ex-wife off.

I have seen him cry many times over the last 18 months and it only makes me prouder of him, that he is strong enough to be able to show his feelings.

Real men cry.

TIARA
12-15-2009, 05:20 AM
thank you for being honest..


yoyoma
12-15-2009, 05:27 AM
When I was younger, I didn't cry much. I just didn't have as much empathy as I do now. Since I've had a child (over a decade ago), I've been much more likely to burst out in tears in response to a news story or any sad event (even if fictional). In recent years, both my parents have passed away, and that has only added to my fragility. At times, it's almost debilitating.

This change in myself has also made me more tolerant of emotional expressions by others, both men and women. In my younger days, I would not have been very sympathetic to gushers of either sex, but now I feel for others like me (*weeps*).

PinkyPie
12-15-2009, 06:56 AM
when my husband cries, I know there is something very serious going on. therefore it's not a turn-off at all. It's him feeling the ability to actually release his emotions with me. He tends to keep things on the inside and pretty much has an "everything is OK" attitude, and mostly this gets him through stressful periods. He's the one that everyone can count on to be the rock, if you know what I mean. So when he cries, it's VERY serious.

I love him and am honored to be with him and be the one that he is able to share these "weaker" moments with.

Chelby29
12-15-2009, 07:09 AM
Background: I'll cry with you and I'll throw up with you. I really hate that about me! :p

One day, I was sitting at the table eating dinner with my husband, who I had NEVER seen cry. I looked and him and huge tears were sliding down his cheeks. Of course, immediately, tears were sliding down mine, too. I ask, "What's wrong, sweetie?" He said, "This is HOT!" We had a good laugh.

DH doesn't cry. He does have strong emotions. I don't see them as a weekness. If he cried over the stupid Maxwell House commercial like I do, I might. :lol:

jendiet
12-15-2009, 07:24 AM
omg, chelby, that is funny.

I will never forget when my dad came to me in tears, when my mom had left our family, asking me what he should do whether he should reconcile with her or not (there was an opportunity for them).

I remember actually despising my mom for making him (such a big strong, non-crier) cry. I had only seen my dad cry at a funeral and church before that. He just didn't do it. My dad was like a testosterone overload type though.
At the same time though, I realized my dad felt alot of security with me to come to me and CRY in front of me. i held onto that feeling for the cases of other men crying.

SO has cried in front of me before, it was about our relationship though, and it meant alot to me to see REAL feelings expressed and reciprocated about the depth of our relationship.

I am a gusher. I do not expect my man to be and of course am intolerant of it because of my dad's "real men don't cry" spiel to my brothers all the time. I would be totally turned off by a man that cries more than he should emotionally tolerate.

in the case of Robsia, I would hold him and cry with him. And reassure him. Men are extremely hurt by loss of ability to be a provider, as well as all the other downers in his life. Robsia's husband is grieving loss.

carrie77
12-15-2009, 07:32 AM
It really bothers me to see a man cry too.

Not saying it's ok, we all have issues right? It just does.

Maybe stems from never seeing my dad cry growing up. Just makes me uncomfortable.

MindiV
12-15-2009, 08:02 AM
I think it's good for men to show emotion. Crying sometimes isn't a sign of weakness at all.

That being said...it CAN be too much. Before I got together with my now-husband, I dated this guy. My GOSH he was a whiner. He was SO insecure it drove me insane. And the crying...he cried every time we were together. He cried because he was "so happy" he was with me, he cried if we disagreed, he cried when we were intimate, he cried when he was happy, sad, mad, glad, anxious and everything in between.

He was too sensitive for me....way, waaaaaay too sensitive.

EZMONEY
12-15-2009, 09:24 AM
I remember crying when my parents and brother passed away...time healed that pain...:(

when my ex-wife threw the divorce bomb....got over that one many years ago! :carrot:

I have been known to "tear up" at a chick flick or two...ok...or three...:(

I think it is a normal thing for a man to cry some under sad emotional situations...:(

even under those rare emotionally super high happy situations that involve your loved ones...:)

if it isn't I am not normal....

don't go there gals....;)

dragonwoman64
12-15-2009, 11:23 AM
When I was younger, I didn't cry much. I just didn't have as much empathy as I do now. Since I've had a child (over a decade ago), I've been much more likely to burst out in tears in response to a news story or any sad event (even if fictional). In recent years, both my parents have passed away, and that has only added to my fragility. At times, it's almost debilitating.

yes, I had this response when my mom died in 96. It does subside with time. :hug:

I can be a chick flick weeper.

It's been rare the moments when I've seen bf or my dad cry, or other men. I think it makes it more moving and striking to me because of that. I never thought of it as a turn off or not a turn off.

mayness
12-15-2009, 11:29 AM
When I see a man cry, I always end up crying. My mom and I have always been like that... when a guy at church would talk about something emotional during the prayer requests and start tearing up, we'd both end up sobbing, and laughing at ourselves at the same time, lol.

That said... I get annoyed by ANYONE who cries often, male or female. I guess I don't have different standards for the two (as with almost everything else).

When my husband is crying, the last thing on my mind is how it makes me feel. I just want to know why he's upset, whether there's anything I can do to help, or who I need to beat up. :devil:

Shopaholic1204
12-15-2009, 11:53 AM
When my husband is crying, the last thing on my mind is how it makes me feel. I just want to know why he's upset, whether there's anything I can do to help, or who I need to beat up. :devil:


Exactly!!!! That goes for any of my friends as well. I hate seeing my loved ones hurting.

I don't think crying makes a man weak. I just think it means something is really really upsetting.

JulieJ08
12-15-2009, 12:26 PM
No, it doesn't make it uncomfortable or think less of someone, just because they're a man.

If it's all the time, and I'm supposed to react to it (as opposed to some people who just cry very easily, like blushing), then I'm gonna avoid that person, male or female.

thundahthighs
12-15-2009, 12:38 PM
I come from an American culture where men don't cry. I have never seen my father cry, nor heard any reports that he ever has. In his life, ever. As far as I know, that man has never shed a tear. The last time I saw a man cry, it was my younger brother, and he was in what I can only assume was severe physical pain - it was less of a cry, and more of a moaning, and he was encouraged to knock it off in short order by both of my parents - more gently by Mom than Dad. He was 12. He was WAY too old to be crying.

My hubs doesn't cry. If he finds something particularly heart-wrenching, or upsetting, or sad, he may clear his throat repeatedly. We come from a similar culture, and we are certainly both very much products of our raising. I am the weepiest person I know - to the point of distracting hubs and upsetting him. I cry - maybe once a month. Maybe less on average. I tend to cry when I am all outta rope. It's the moment when I realize I have to give up, I have nothing left. I HATE that moment, and do my best not to reach it, ever.

I don't know if, when we have children, I will teach my sons not to cry. I don't know if I can teach my own small (future) son to just stop shedding tears. My nephew is nearly two. He's already being encouraged to be a big boy and not cry. It's extremely gentle at this point, and if he can't stop he's comforted beyond the point of reason - it's all hugs and petting and singing until he's calm. It's heartbreaking to see his tears, and the confusion on his face when he's encouraged not to cry. I don't know how I'd feel if we left him to be a man that cried.

I don't think it's "right" - I think it's the way we are. For us, crying IS a sign of weakness, and we are traditionally very poor people, and we do not have any room for weakness. We have freedom to express joy, wonderment, curiosity, fury and rage, anger, sadness in any other melancholy form, love, affection, annoyance - we have so much room for emotion, and we're fairly expressive people, but there isn't any room for what see as weakness. None.

I have been thinking on my own ways a bit, since we're gearing up for kids. It's confusing. What other outlets do these men have for their sadness, weariness and worry? I'd ask hubs, but when I start talking about feelings, he goes all blank-faced and just starts petting my hair absentmindedly.

Robsia
12-15-2009, 01:19 PM
I don't think it's "right" - I think it's the way we are. For us, crying IS a sign of weakness

When you say "us" do you mean your family, Americans, or humans?

I completely disagree that crying is a sign of weakness - I think it is an essential outlet for very strong feelings.

lizziep
12-15-2009, 01:38 PM
i am extremely uncomfortable with crying- other peoples, and my own. I don't like it, I'll try not to do it, and for the most part even if I wanted to I couldn't. it's just some part of my internal make-up that I am uncomfortable with it. Like flee the room uncomfortable.

I don't think I could have a partner that was super emotional, it would be very hard for me. I don't think there's anything right or wrong with it- just that I don't like it.

I've been with my husband for a decade and I have seen him cry like 4 times- when his grandma died, at the end of his favorite show ever (which i admit was quite sad)... if he cried over every episode of Stargate Universe we watch or when he lost a game or got mad at me (which happens a lot) I think it'd be a turn off for me too.

CLCSC145
12-15-2009, 02:08 PM
I don't mind if people cry. It doesn't make me uncomfortable. I'm a crier myself. That said, there are some instances where I think it's a bit much:

- If I had to see the contestants on The Biggest Loser blubber one more time, I was going to throw something at the TV screen. Yes, I get that it's an emotional process and understood the first 4 or 5 times they cried, but I swear, there were some of them that we never saw unless they were crying. Enough.

- People who cry for manipulation purposes.

Other than that, I say cry away!

MoveMoveMove
12-15-2009, 02:09 PM
I don't think it's a sign of weakness for men to cry. Just the opposite. I think American society as a whole frowns on men crying so when I see one who is not bound by that restriction, my respect for him grows.

That being said, I have seen few men cry outside of situations involving death. I have six brothers and have only seen two of them cry in a non-death situation. One was a total shock on many levels because he is one of those against men crying. At the time, I was suicidal and had taken him to my bank to put him on my account; on the way home I looked over and saw tears on his face. When I asked him why, he said it was because he was scared he was going to lose his only sister. Imagine my shock - I didn't think he cared about me one way or the other.

The other brother is a cryer and believe me there is nothing weak about him. He was very close to the adults in our lives when we were growing up and freely admits to crying when he thinks about the fact that they have all passed away. I remember once I made him cry because I agreed with his SO that he didn't spend enough time with his children (he's a trucker). Providing for them was his number one priority and it really hurt him that we thought he was missing some mark in taking care of his family.

I just remembered I saw another brother cry recently. He was really close to our mom. I don't remember my mom and years ago I had asked him to tell me about her and he wouldn't do it. He just reunited with the rest of us after 13 years (he had disowned us) and finally decided to tell me how he remembers her. That made him cry.

Glory87
12-15-2009, 03:22 PM
I am a total crybaby and cry at the drop of a hat. It would be pretty hypocritical to judge anyone else! I am emotional and accept that others can also be emotional - no judgement here.

stargzr
12-15-2009, 03:58 PM
It's not a big deal to me if a man cries in front of me. Although my husband is the first man who ever let me see him cry. It's only happened a handful of times, each time because his emotions got the best of him when he was trying to tell me how he felt about me. So that's likely why it doesn't bother me.

On the other hand - I HATE when men whine - Yikes!! I think that's a huge turn-off! wah, I'm cold.. wah, I'm hungry... grrr

TIARA
12-15-2009, 04:45 PM
thank you for all your opinions...

pinkypie i should have made my self more clear i find guys that are super emotional a turn off. they are the ones that cry at movies, for being happy, basicly what mindiv described...

jendiet.. my dad is the same way. ive never seen him cry(i defined crying as cant breath stuggling for breath, loud wailing) but i have seen tears in his eyes when he was very upset and twice when someone close to us died.

chelby..lol

carrie77 its nice to see im not the only one who is uncomfortable by tears. A man or women could start bawling infront of me and i would be frozen in place. i personally dont respond well to tears.

4myloves
12-15-2009, 04:48 PM
On the other hand - I HATE when men whine - Yikes!! I think that's a huge turn-off! wah, I'm cold.. wah, I'm hungry... grrr

How do you survive in this world?

duckyyellowfeet
12-15-2009, 05:20 PM
My best friend (female) is a crier. Daily, hourly sometimes, over anything, she is sobbing. While this has made me confident with my ability to stop people crying, it also made it a huge turn-off because I see how she manipulates people with her tear ducts.

I think it would be a turn-off to be with someone who cries frequently. It can be disturbing to people and often is uncalled for.
But it would be an equal turn-off to be with someone who didn't cry at appropriate times: death, illness, etc. My father is like this. I've only seen him cry maybe twice, but I respect him more for it.

TIARA
12-15-2009, 05:33 PM
duckyyellowfeet... i agree...

Aclai4067
12-15-2009, 05:47 PM
it depends on what he's crying over. If we're having a big fight (I'm probably already crying) I wouldn't see a problem with him crying. Likewise, if something tragic happens that warrents crying, no problem. (And if a guy happy-cries it better be big: birth of child, daughter's wedding kind of big) But if he cries A LOT, or over little things, that would probably turn me off.

I'm pretty emotional, I cry a bit. But I don't cry in front of people (at least not sober). I'm with you on being uncomfortable being around someone when they cry. And I'm equally uncomfortable having other stand around while I cry.

19Deltawifey
12-15-2009, 06:12 PM
I was the same way a couple of years ago. I would rarely cry, and my husband would cry more then me. My mom always made me feel bad for crying when I was younger so I would always just hold it in. When I used to hold in my emotions it made it harder for me to take that wall down, and I could never express myself because I would feel weak and I would start crying.

My husband told me that he wants me to show more emotion, weve been married over 6 years and Im just now letting my emotions show I cry way more then him now. I still feel stupid when I cry but I no longer hold back my tears and I think he appreciates the fact that I can open up to him and cry in front of him. I like men who show there emotions it allows them to connect with you on a whole other level.

It also depends on why he's crying. If he's crying because he wants McDonalds and I want Wendys then ya that would be a huge turn off. But if he's upset because were having problems with our relationship then its okay.

lizziep
12-15-2009, 06:17 PM
ha yes i'd much rather deal w/ a weepy man then a whiny one. i can't even count how many times i've had to tell my husband "okay, i'll get you (whatever) but only if you can ask for it like a big boy!" he can never ask for anything without whining for it. ugh.

kuhrisuh
12-15-2009, 06:21 PM
I am a total crybaby and cry at the drop of a hat. It would be pretty hypocritical to judge anyone else! I am emotional and accept that others can also be emotional - no judgement here.

yep, me too.

I do understand what some of you have said about it being a turn off when a guy is OVERLY emotional all the time. But I don't find a man any less manly if he cries in front of me. :)

JulieJ08
12-15-2009, 06:38 PM
Crying to create a response ... whining ... annoying no matter who does it!

I'm not too much of a crier, but if I try to hold it in, I get a migraine. But I'm not likely to do it in front of anyone, because then they might, you know, try to hug me or make me talk about it :o

bargoo
12-15-2009, 07:07 PM
It all depends on why they are crying. Most of the time when I have seen a man cry it is because they are tender hearted. Maybe they are crying because they feel sad about something, or are feeling bad for someone else. Can't stand whiners, though.

thundahthighs
12-15-2009, 08:21 PM
When you say "us" do you mean your family, Americans, or humans?

I completely disagree that crying is a sign of weakness - I think it is an essential outlet for very strong feelings.

Hi, Robsia!

When I said "us", I did mean just my family.
I agree that strong emotions require an outlet - the question I am asking myself lately is, do the men in my life have other outlets that perhaps I don't see?
I have no trouble continuing the way we (my family) are with my own as long as emotions are being vented, safely and effectively, in some way other than crying. In other words, I'm OK with teaching my male children to not cry as long as they are provided with an appropriate and comparable alternative.
I don't think people need to bottle up - I just don't know if it must be tears.
And please don't get me wrong - I can, frequently enough, be found curled in a tiny ball, hidden away behind some locked door, sobbing into my kitty's fur.

:D

Firecracker777
12-28-2009, 03:24 PM
I dont think its a turn off when my boyfriend cries, in fact it really upsets me when he cries because that means something is really bothering him. He doesnt cry often but I cant expect him to hold in all of his emotions just because "men dont cry" thats unhealthy for anyone

Passionista
12-28-2009, 03:30 PM
I despise all the silly double standards that exist for men and women.

I think men should be able to cry without being called weak and women should be able to be powerful without being called a b*tch.

I'm not "turned off" by a genuine expression of emotion, I think it's incredibly attractive to be real, human.

kaplods
12-28-2009, 03:38 PM
I'm OK with teaching my male children to not cry as long as they are provided with an appropriate and comparable alternative.
I don't think people need to bottle up - I just don't know if it must be tears.
:D


Unfortunately, I'm not sure there is an appropriate and comparable alternative. Usually the "comparable alternatives" to expressing strong emotions in tears, is usually anger and hostility (turned outward or inward). I'm not sure they're better alternatives to tears or "bottling up."

I think the error is in attributing tears to weakness. If I had to kill someone to save my life or to protect my loved ones - I'm pretty sure I could do it - probably not without shedding tears before, during, or after.

I tend to tear up more easily than hubby, but he is the more emotional person - he always teases me for my hatred of "sap" on television (He's a much bigger fan drama movies, even "chick flicks" than I am. Thank God he likes Comedy and Sci Fi Fantasy too).

My all-time worst, blechiest, most-ever hated movie in the world is Titanic (Come on, let's have a little bit of realism here - If your best friend came home from a cruise and told you she dumped her fiance, to pose naked and have unprotected sex with a stranger in the cargo hold - you'd think she was at best a slut and at worst an idiot - now take that back almost 100 years and it's supposed to be "romantic?" Yeah, I think not).

When hubby does see me crying during a movie, he teases me about "what about your hatred of sap," We've had the discussion - and I do like movie drama, and deep emotions- I just don't like fake, manipulation of those emotions.

And I have to say the same of people. When I feel people are trying to manipulate others with emotional displays (whether it's anger, tears, smiles, or kisses) I'm uncomfortable - but when they're natural and spontaneous reactions - I think they're appropriate.

starfishkitty
12-29-2009, 05:59 AM
Actually, I've been on both ends of this.

I had a loser ex boyfriend that couldn't be bothered to get off his butt and get a job even when I was working two AND struggling to pay the rent and pay bills and buy groceries... yet he'd literally cry all the time when we'd fight or over something completely stupid... usually because he was feeling bad for himself which he really had no right to feel so! Add to that demands for clothes and stuff he wanted, occasional violence and verbal and mental abuse.... well, yeah, I definitely came to loathe him, and his tears (in my mind I was like $#%&@ crocodile tears!!!) and his "weaknesses".

For years after that relationship, I wondered if I was somehow emotionally set against men who cried for some reason... being raised in a Mexican family where it's considered a no-no for the men to be seen crying.... yeah. I was kinda wondering if the way/people I was brought up around had affected me that much.

Then I started dating Mr. Right over a year ago and he's also from a culture that doesn't consider men crying to be alright. I'd never seen him cry until one night, when joking around, I allowed him access to my 7 year old online blog. After reading about my past... all my pain, my years of drug and alcohol abuse, the thoughts on the people who'd hurt me (family, friends AND ex-lovers), and even the many, many times I contemplated suicide (I had serious depression issues in the past)..... I received a hysterical phone call from him. He literally sobbed for an hour about what I'd gone through and how he didn't know if he was "man enough" to be with such a strong woman who'd overcame as many things as I did.

:yikes:

Needless to say, after I picked my jaw up off the floor and consoled him for about two hours.... and we finally hung up... I realized that on the right guy, at the right time...... it's the most beautiful, trusting, loving thing in the world. That's when you know Mr. Strong/Mr. Right really loves and trusts you enough to break down in front of you. :)

He hasn't cried since then, not even when his dad went under the knife recently (and BOY was he stressed about that one).... but even if he never does again, I don't think that I'll ever forget the one time he did. :val2:

katkitten
12-29-2009, 11:41 AM
i dont mind when a man cries...it actually kind of makes him more attractive to me...like the intimacy of him sharing his emotions with me makes me want a differnt type of intimacy...

zenor77
12-29-2009, 12:02 PM
I despise all the silly double standards that exist for men and women.

I think men should be able to cry without being called weak and women should be able to be powerful without being called a b*tch.

I'm not "turned off" by a genuine expression of emotion, I think it's incredibly attractive to be real, human.

This is exactly how I feel. There is nothing wrong with anyone showing any form of genuine emotion.

TIARA~I'm curious as to why you feel uncomfortable when someone cries in front of you? Are you uncomfortable with your own feelings? Is it because you think that this person is weak and you are disgusted? Is it because you feel you have to do something about it? I'm not attacking you, we are all entitled to our opinions, I'm just trying to understand where you are coming from.

Cali Doll
12-29-2009, 01:05 PM
I found this thread very interesting. I'm a crier. I cry. At. All. Times. I'm just very emotional. And when people console me, it makes me cry harder (which I HATE!)

I wouldn't mind my man crying in front of me. I don't really remember it ever happening (when I had a BF, that is). However, I do think that if he were overly emotional it might actually bother me. I think. It would probably be OK as long as I don't see him as weak because of it. THAT is unattractive.

Mikan
12-29-2009, 01:12 PM
My boyfriend cries at sad situations, movies, etc and I really don't see it as a problem. I believe he is closer to me and more emotionally connected because of it. I never thought of weakness, but actually as a strength that he can surpass the barriers that other "American" men cast over their own emotions.

thundahthighs
12-29-2009, 01:44 PM
Hi, kaplods! I am a huge fan of your posts, by the by!
I won't pretend I know of a healthy alternative to crying - and I have no one to ask. The men I know admit that sometimes, when something very sad happens, they have trouble swallowing. Then they clear their throats and move on. Frankly, I'm amazed every time they admit they have emotions. Usually when you ask how they're feeling, the answer is either "Hungry." or "Tired.". Deep, deep feelings, fellas. <sigh>
I do appreciate your thoughts though - it's an issue to raise when one is considering embarking on the parenthood voyage. I don't want my son to have no emotional outlet. I don't want him to be stunted in terms of feelings.

kaplods
12-29-2009, 02:42 PM
We're all raised in the culture we're raised in. As much as I try to push the boundaries, I'm as much a product of my culture as anyone else. I can say that I like guys who show emotion, but the fact is I'm just as likely as any other woman to be turned off, by what I consider extreme display of emotion (or non-emotion, for that matter).

A person of either gender who never responds to anything with even the hint of emotion, isn't verr attractive or interesting, either.

My hubby and I both get annoyed with the other, for withholding emotional content. It's difficult to communicate, when you don't include emotional content.

For us, it's usually about choosing a restaurant or activity. "What do you want to do?" or "Where do you want to go?" Becomes a battle, because neither of us wants to reveal our opinion until AFTER we get the other's opinion (because we both want to please the other person).

It drives us absolutely bonkers (and becomes a battle of "I don't care, what do you want" - I don't care either, what do you want).

Passionista
12-29-2009, 07:43 PM
For us, it's usually about choosing a restaurant or activity. "What do you want to do?" or "Where do you want to go?" Becomes a battle, because neither of us wants to reveal our opinion until AFTER we get the other's opinion (because we both want to please the other person).

It drives us absolutely bonkers (and becomes a battle of "I don't care, what do you want" - I don't care either, what do you want).

Oh, I so dislike that! My girlfriend does that all the time. I'll ask: "Are you hungry?" and she'll say :"I could eat, but I don't have to. What do you want to do?". I'm asking because I want to know what SHE THINKS and wants!!! Oh, so frustrating. I keep telling her that I'm a big girl and I can speak up for myself, that if I'm asking her for HER opinion or feelings, it's because I want to know how SHE feels!