General chatter - Narcissistic naysayer family members
12-09-2009, 12:28 PM
I have started over the past year or so some self intospection and trying to like who I am so that I can slay the dragon that is obesity. The main problem I am having is my sister who is 12 yrs. older and clings to me and everything I do. Not married. 0 kids, 0 life. I dont know if many of you have family with narcissistic personality disorder but she is textbook! She see's I am reading whatever diet/ self help book and then claims she has read it, tried it and it will never work. " Our whole famliy is fat, accept it" is her responce for everything. I joined Curves 2 yrs. ago and same thing...something negative was said. I quit for financial reasons and got the I told you so...Anyway here is my question, I know someone out there has someone in their family almost pushing them to not get healthy, and why do you think that is? Any reccomedations, things to keep positive, I am very serious about the NPD though--- she is turning into the same person my Mom was and I really cannot spend another 30 yrs. like that. I love her and is my only sister but am in need of advice:?:
12-09-2009, 02:52 PM
sounds like you might need some physical and/or mental breathing room from your sis. think of it this way, her seeing you act and succeed may pull her out of her rut (if that's the situation). don't feel like you have to convince her with words, just focus on what you want to do, and let the results speak for themselves.
if someone in that type of situation acknowledges that it is possible to change, that means they then have the obligation to do it, and that's scary. if your sis says, yeah, going to curves and eating healthy will work, then she has to work on changing her life in that way, and that's scary. my two cents, ha.
12-09-2009, 03:06 PM
I agree with dragon. She's most likely saying these things to you because she's jealous of your motivation and commitment to get healthy.
12-09-2009, 03:09 PM
Yes, much of my family and sadly my friends, are made up of people like this. Now they have other wonderful qualities! But they are definitely, regrettably, naysayers. But it suits me rather well because give me a naysayer, and I WILL PROVE THEM WRONG! I take it on as a personal challenge!
I was told by many that breast feeding was hard, painful, and there's no way I'd be able to do it. Yes it was hard and painful! But I pressed on BECAUSE they said I couldn't. If they'd said I could do it, I'd probably have failed.
In the 7th grade I was last chair in the band. I picked up a piece of sheet music from the floor of the high school band room and took it to my band director. He said it was too hard for me. Fpa!! Thank you band director! I was from then on first chair and now teach flute lessons.
I can give several more examples. Someone please tell me I'll never lose this weight, because by gosh, that'll make me spittin' mad and nothing would then stop me from getting this weight off!!
How's that for turning it around? ;)
12-09-2009, 03:27 PM
First, I want to say congratulations! It takes a lot to reflect upon yourself and try to be a better person!
Can you put a little distance between you and your sister? I too love my sister very much, but sometimes I am going though things and she just can't help me, support me, etc. in the way that I need and often makes it worse for me. I don't love her any less, I just acknowledge that this is her personally, and she is not the right person to support me with this particular thing. It took me a while to realize that it is better to go to different people for different things, as everyone has their strengths and their weaknesses.
Unfortunately, your sister can't put your interests first because of her problem, so YOU have to protect yourself. Protecting yourself does not mean that you do not love her, but you cannot subject yourself to her negativity anymore. Her putting down every idea that you have to help you get healthier cannot be good for your self esteem. Even if you know that what she is saying is wrong, she has planted the seeds of doubt and is not supporting you.
The only thing that can really get to the root of her problems is therapy, so until she decides that she wants to change, you have to accept her the way she is and do what is best for you. You may feel guilty pulling back from your sister, and that is normal, but that is the only way you can move forward. You do not have a "normal" relationship with your sister, so you can't treat your relationship with her in the "normal" way. Good luck!
12-09-2009, 03:31 PM
Maybe she doesn't want YOU to succeed because that would be PROOF that it's not a genetic family problem. Your success would prove that she isn't stuck where she is and could also lose weight...
12-09-2009, 03:43 PM
How often do you see her- if you don't live together maybe she needs to do her own thing. Even if it comes down to "as much as I love having you over I really have things I need to do, we'll have to cut down the time we spend together, at least for now, but we can still talk on the phone daily, etc."
Would that work? I know when I moved out and got married I had to wean my mom off of me.
12-14-2009, 06:08 PM
All of the advice was VERY helpful. I think a healthy distance, not so much time together and I need to quit telling her every thought and feeling I have too.Jealousy and fear are a part as weel I think. Eliana I wish I had your MOXIE! Thanks everyone and will be posting more soon---
12-15-2009, 08:46 AM
Eliana I wish I had your MOXIE! Thanks everyone and will be posting more soon---
I have more "moxie" on paper! :D