100 lb. Club - Family Holiday Pressure...




View Full Version : Family Holiday Pressure...


Kae
11-24-2009, 04:34 PM
It's not even Thanksgiving yet and I'm already being pressured by my family to eat, eat, eat... Mostly it's coming from my mom. I know she means well but we've talked about it a few times now and I'm getting tired of defending myself.

Here's the situation... I basically said I was going to eat VERY on-plan on Thanksgiving. My sister and I are cooking this year so in addition to the fatty, traditional food, we're cooking some healthy options. I'm planning on eating a little white turkey (no skin), some asparagus, a wheat roll, and a couscous stuffed red pepper. No dessert or apps. I originally said I'd have a tiny bit of stuffing (because I love it) but decided to not have any in the end...

So my mom has been going on about how I should be able to eat on Thanksgiving and have a day off. She said it would make her sad if I didn't have stuffing because she knows it's my favorite. So we went back and forth about it again this morning and I was asking her why she cares what I eat... she said I deserve a special day off and I told her it isn't what you eat on the holidays that makes it special, it's who you're with. She said she knew that but that you put love into what you cook on the holidays and should enjoy it. I told her I'd love my asparagus just fine. She said '...Just have 1 bite, no more than 5 bites. It's got celery in it, which is full of fiber.' And I added, 'And butter.' We could have kept going but I was running out the door for work.

So I wanna stick to my guns and my plan on Thanksgiving and now I almost feel like I don't want any stuffing at all just to prove to my family that I'll eat or not eat whatever I darn well please.

Thoughts?


MacyWoman
11-24-2009, 04:52 PM
This is why my nearest family lives 1,000 miles away!

Just tell them how you feel--it's YOUR body/life. Or, you can turn the tables on your mother and nag HER about something you know she doesn't like!

Sounds mean--but she'll get the point.

ThicknPretty
11-24-2009, 05:06 PM
See, my family is the opposite...if I tell them I'm on a diet or can't eat something because I'm trying to lose weight, they say things like, "Well I'm glad you finally decided to do that" and then start criticizing everything I eat after that point...

Maybe if you just really break it down to your mom from a more emotional standpoint, she'll get the picture. Like, don't make it as much about losing weight or calories or having a goal...but tell her how your weight struggles make you feel and how eating certain unhealthy foods makes you feel afterwards and how important it is to you to stick to your plan...she can probably sympathize to your insecurities and frustrations and emotions more than she can your new structured way of eating and your new restrictions.

Sounds like your mom loves you to death though girl! I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and good for you for making plans in advance! Good luck and good job...


Kae
11-24-2009, 05:20 PM
Thanks guys for the responses... I really appreciate it!

Like, don't make it as much about losing weight or calories or having a goal...but tell her how your weight struggles make you feel and how eating certain unhealthy foods makes you feel afterwards and how important it is to you to stick to your plan...

... I've never thought about it that way. My family doesn't seem to understand the reasoning behind my health plan. I guess I never thought to stop and tell her why I am not eating certain things... how it makes me feel out of control... how it is so much harder to stick to healthy stuff after I have something full of sugar or fat... and how it makes me feel if I do give in to my cravings just for the sake of filling my emotions. She probably could relate to all that better than my simply saying I am just not going to eat something.

Thanks again!

TXJess
11-24-2009, 05:59 PM
If someone starts on me about needing to eat and have a day off I'd more than likely say "My mouth, my choice. You do whatever you see fit with yours." with a smile and walk off. Probably not helpful but I'd get a kick out of it. :devil:

But, as it stands my family is supportive without being smothering so I count my blessings. Just be glad Thanksgiving only comes once a year, hold them off and keep doing what you're doing. Good luck!

FitGirlyGirl
11-24-2009, 06:16 PM
When you talk to your mom you might include a question about how she would feel if you tried nagging her into eating what you eat to see if that helps her understand how it feels for her to try to do that to you. I do hope that if you decide not to have stuffing it won't be just to show them though. If you actually want some you should have some, if you have decided for yourself not to then you shouldn't. What we each put into our mouths is and should be completely up to us. Good luck and good for you for planning.

beerab
11-24-2009, 06:32 PM
I would just nicely ask her to please not push you into eating something you simply do not want at the moment. And I agree to explain to her when you eat something off plan it makes you feel unhappy and ask her to please not pressure you into eating anything anymore.

Sometimes you just have to ignore them too- with my mom I have to say "I'm done talking about this, let's change the subject" and if she doesn't quit I walk away.

cathydoe
11-24-2009, 08:09 PM
If someone starts on me about needing to eat and have a day off I'd more than likely say "My mouth, my choice.

What a great line!! I love it!!

My family is very pushy too...they nag they want me to loose weight... but then want everything to stay status quo... my new defense is to NOT tell them what I am going to do... I don't think they will pay attention what I eat or don't eat. I am gonna be camouflage... like the turkey wished they had been! :D

Cathy

JayEll
11-25-2009, 07:42 AM
I would just deflect her questions. Say "I'll decide what I want to eat when I get there." And acknowledge that you plan to have a wonderful time. That's really all she's worried about. She doesn't want to see you sad or deprived. And you won't be! You're choosing what you want. You may or may not have any stuffing, but if you do, it will be YOUR choice, no one else's.

This sort of situation is one good reason not to involve most family and friends in one's weight loss attempts--having to put up with unwanted attention. I was out once with friends, and I passed on the dessert that came with the meal. One of my friends just had to say, "Did you pass on that because you don't like it, or because you can't eat it on your diet?" :o The fact was, it was not a dessert worth eating, but I didn't appreciate having attention called to my actions. (This friend is not overweight, btw.) I replied that I could eat anything I wanted, and this dessert was not it. Later I asked her please not to comment on my food choices unless she was prepared for me to do the same...

Jay

Suezeeque
11-25-2009, 09:20 AM
It's kind of like that kid playing Islamic music in his bedroom to get his parents to let him do whatever he wants. ha. If you don't mind a little manipulating, just tell your mom that when you go off your food plan for even one day that the next day you feel like killing yourself. That you've tried not to do that to yourself because it's horrible feeling so hopeless and desperate. You could also tell her your doctor told you that if you don't do something now that high blood pressure and diabetes are waiting around the corner. It seems your mother has a huge connection in her mind between food and love and when you reject her food, you reject her. That's a toughy to handle. Give her lots of hugs and reassurance if she's the huggy type, and assure her you love her even if you aren't willing to eat her stuffing. Tell her you want to because it's so yummy but your doc will kill you if your BP and glucose aren't down the next time you visit him. You know her the best. What makes her go "awww" when it comes to you? Use that. I know, I'm ruthless.

Kae
11-25-2009, 09:28 AM
Thanks everyone!!! I really appreciate all the responses and great advice. You all have some wonderful ideas and I think I will be that much more capable of handling the holidays now.

Thanks again!!!

Trazey34
11-25-2009, 11:49 AM
I usually say something funny, like "don't feel sorry for me, I've had a THOUSAND 'days off' in a row, now's my turn to pay for it!". I do eat 1 plate of real food (lol) at Thanksgiving and Christmas Day and I weirdly find it very empowering. I have ONE plate, no booze no appetizers no dessert, and that's my choice because I love the actual meal so much. I don't make it a free for all, not a week long binge, not even a binge DAY, or MEAL. I have a normal-sized plate, savour every mouthful, and pat myself on the back for not eating THREE plates as usual, or feasting for weeks beforehand! And the standard "i'm saving myself for dinner" always works!!!

CLCSC145
11-25-2009, 01:34 PM
I think if I were you at the next holiday, I wouldn't say beforehand what I was going to eat. Why give them the opportunity to weigh in on your plan? You are doing the right thing by participating in the prep so you can ensure you've got something to eat, but otherwise, I'd clam up. It's none of their business what you eat or don't eat. Then you only have to deal with the day of when they are trying to push stuffing on you and say you've got everything you want and it all looks delicious - end of story.

saef
11-25-2009, 02:19 PM
she said I deserve a special day off and I told her it isn't what you eat on the holidays that makes it special, it's who you're with. She said she knew that but that you put love into what you cook on the holidays and should enjoy it.

This really bothers me. Because it makes food into a love offering. It puts anyone who won't eat the food a loved one prepares in the position of someone who's rejecting someone's love. And that is simply not the case.

I'd prefer the person expressed their love for me in other ways. Just because I won't eat their food, doesn't mean I do not love them or appreciate their attempts to show they care & to take care of me. But they would take care of me better if they left me to choose what I eat.

Sometimes I've felt closest with people at Thanksgiving AFTER the meal, when I'm on dishwashing duty with them & we're chatting away while scraping plates & scrubbing pots & loading up the dishwasher. Which really tells me it has nothing to do with the food, since no one's eating a thing & at that point, the food has been transmuted into trash & grease & crusty stains.

Kae
11-25-2009, 02:46 PM
I think if I were you at the next holiday, I wouldn't say beforehand what I was going to eat.

Yes, I think that's a good idea... I was just trying to plan ahead so the meal would provide some healthier options. That's how talking about it started. I think on Christmas I'll still make sure there are healthy options but I won't mention what I plan to eat beforehand.

Kae
11-25-2009, 02:48 PM
This really bothers me. Because it makes food into a love offering. It puts anyone who won't eat the food a loved one prepares in the position of someone who's rejecting someone's love. And that is simply not the case.

I agree... I wasn't very happy about it when she was saying how it would make her sad if I didn't eat because of the love put into the food. I mean, really?! I live with my family and so there is no hiding my eating and exercising. So she clearly knows where I stand in regards to the whole situation... which made me all the more irritated that she was trying to pressure me into feeling bad so I would eat.

dragonwoman64
11-25-2009, 04:37 PM
I'll start off by saying I totally think you should eat whatever you want to eat, make the choices that are right for your physical and mental health.

just to give another perspective. cooking really can feel like an act of love and giving. I've had meals where I've gone all out, planning, shopping, cleaning, preparing, cooking. Having people I cared about actually eat it with me was to me an important part of the experience.

Older generations feel that sort of thing much more than younger ones nowadays, and we live in a different world, with different eating habits and weight challenges.

luckymommy
11-25-2009, 06:11 PM
I'm sorry, I don't have time to read all the responses, but I just wanted to suggest that you tell her that not eating food that is full of fat is not deprivation. It would be eating that food that would deprive you of the happiness that you deserve.

My family also pressures me and it really stings. They don't want me to be fat, but they also don't want me to be thin. They think in an old fashioned way that a mom with two grown kids should not look sexy with a hot body. I beg to differ! ;)