100 lb. Club - Mother Issue's OT A little

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11-18-2009, 02:24 PM
As a child I was always relatively small. Up until 5th grade when my parents divorced I was always the tiniest kid in the class. My parents got divorced and my best friend at the time ate enough for both of us. I picked up her habits and turned to food to feel better.

Later I moved in with my mom, while my little brother lived with my dad. Personally I think this is the worst thing you can do to kids, because even though my parents had joint custody I think as little kids it's caused me and my brother to have a lot of issues with each other and the opposite parent. My brother constantly feels like our mom could care less about him, and she makes him feel that way because he gets in trouble a lot and she will tell him, you're not my problem your dad has custody of you. I am like how can you tell your child that. I am a mother now, and no matter if I had physical custody or not of my child you better believe I would be taking some action.

On top of that, I remember clearly being about 11 years old at 150lbs, (my mother who has always been a small woman size 4-6) telling me I would never be as thin as her, it wasn't in my bone structure. Wether it was in my bone structure or not as a parent I could never see myself putting my child down like that. I would tell my daughter you can do anything you can put your mind too. Never would I make her feel belittled.

Recently my mom knew I had been having some financial problems because my Fiance has been out of work. I am currently in college, and still owed about 300.00 to school. I have to pay it before I can register for classes next semester. Well my step dad (her husband) calls me a few weeks ago and says his friend needs help painting his house, he will pay my Fiance to help him. I was like great this will help us alot. So I wait, a few weeks go by and I don't hear anything about it. Last week my fiance actually got a job working at a warehouse for Target and now works sun thrgh wed. Off on SAT. So I call my mom this past weekend to see what they are doing and she says helping my step dads friend paint his house. I am like I thought Tim was going to help him paint it, why didn't you guys tell me? I had been asking them probably 2 or 3 times a week, when he wanted my fiance to come over. My mom's response was well we knew he got a job so we figured you didn't need the money. I DIDN'T NEED THE MONEY! WHAT? MY FIANCE HAS BEEN OUT OF WORK FOR 2.5 MONTHS, YOU DON'T THINK I GOT A LITTLE BEHIND ON MY BILLS AND A COUPLE HUNDRED MAY HAVE HELPED AND ON TOP OF THAT HE HASNT EVEN GOT A PAY CHECK YET, HE DOESNT UNTIL NOV 27TH.

I am so aggravated by my mothers behavior. I absolutely hate blaming or making excuses because I feel like me myself shoudl have absolute control over my choices. But sometimes I honestly feel like I am where I am today, the emotion wreck, sometimes so stressed out and overweight person because of her actions in the past and still present.

In some ways I don't even want to go over there for Thanksgiving! I don't know what to do. I can't confront her about it because she will act like she is GOD and has done nothing wrong. She will blame me. She will say it's my problem. For god sakes the woman got mad at me my senior year cuz she found out I went to a party and tried to take my car away that my dad bought me. I told her NO and moved out. She didn't speak to me until graduation day, almost 6 months. What kind of mother is that?

Sorry I had to rant. Needed someone to talk to, is anyone else have these issues with a parent or relative.

11-18-2009, 02:35 PM
I think you are going to have to accept your mother the way she is, I doubt if she is going to change. If it upsets you too much to be around her maybe you need to limit the time you spend with her.

11-18-2009, 02:45 PM
Believe me I don't spend much time with her. But it does aggravate either way. Especially because I really didn't have any grandparents growing up, they were all very old and couldnt be much active part of my life. I was always jealous of my friends who were super close to their grandparents. I don't want my daughter to feel that way too. I want her to have her Nana and her be a big part of her life.

I definitely think she won't change though, that is just how she is.

11-18-2009, 02:46 PM
:hug: I am sorry for what happened- your mom sounds very selfish- and unfortunately there are a lot of parents out there who seem to want to bring their kids down instead of lift them up. Call it lack of education, jealousy, whatever, it still happens.

Anyways I agree you can't change your mother but you can see less of her. If I were you I probably wouldn't even go over for thanksgiving and find other plans- just tell her you can't afford to drive over lol.

ETA- your kids will be fine without a grandma- better none than a bad one!

11-18-2009, 02:54 PM
:hug: families can be a tough bundle to handle, esp around the holidays, bec the holidays can act like a magnifying glass, they make us focus on those ties that bind (and gag) -- Erma Bombeck joke. and we want them to be the Brady Bunch.

it's a matter of coming to terms with what you can't change, and finding and focusing on the good stuff in the haystack. I totally get you feeling p.o.ed. My dad used to loan my older brother money (when he was making a great salary), while I was always too embarrassed to ask (on a diet of top ramen). But I'm glad I did things on my own.

11-18-2009, 03:27 PM
I have to say that I understand where you are coming from. I was older when my parents split, but it still affected me in ways that I always swore was pretty much impossible. My mom left my dad and I stayed with him because it was my senior year of high school and she had moved out of state. Oddly enough, it is my father that I do not get along with. During the last portion of my senior year I tell you, he made it very difficult for me. I was hit (and not in the spanking, ok kind of way) on the way to school in the morning because he had to drop me off since we lived a ways away. He would ignore me and then later insist that he and I needed to go to counseling together to “sort out our issues”. He told me I needed to spend more time with him, but he couldn’t be nice to me for five minutes. Long story short, he ended up kicking me out of his house. To this day I do not call him ‘dad’, he is my father. I can’t remember the last time I told him that I loved him – and to me this is a big thing. If I love someone, I tell them every single time I talk to them. In addition to all of this, I grew up with a grossly obese mom who called me fat. Needless to say, I grew up to find I have more than a few self image issues. It’s been about four years since I’ve been out of my father’s house and I see him maybe twice a year. He calls me or I call him when we need to ask each other something or plan the holidays. Other than that, there isn’t any contact and that has been my choice.
I guess what the whole idea I am trying to get at is… While I can blame my mom for how heavy I let myself get or how my self image is still recovering, I don’t. I can say it was her fault until the cows come home, but now I know that I am a grown woman and am (and have been for 4 years now) in charge of myself and my own actions. It is MY fault that I got as heavy as I did. It’s MY fault that after leaving my parent’s house I chose to medicate myself with food. It’s MY fault that I am who I am today. Once I realized that I am in control of everything for me anymore, it made it much easier for me to change. I am losing weight and slowly learning how to eat “correctly” and finding more constructive things to do with my time. I know now that because of everything that was going on as I was growing up that there were a LOT of mistakes my parents made in the process of my childhood. That’s good though, because now I know what NOT to do or say to my own children. While I can’t say that I’m grateful for what I’ve been through or how I was treated by my own family, I am grateful to be the person I am today and I couldn’t have gotten this way without my past.
I say that you give up on your mom. She is the way she is and that’s all there is to it. Because of her own insecurities, she’s poked fun at you and probably many, many other people. It’s not your fault that she feels the way she does about herself, but it is your duty to make the way you feel about yourself to be positive and something you would someday love to see your daughter feeling the same about herself. Keep contact with your mom to a minimum and see her on holidays or birthdays only. It’s not as hard as it seems and you’d be surprised how much more relaxed you’ll be and how much more you’ll enjoy your time without her calling you or talking to you often.
Sorry for the novel, hope it helps at least a smidgen. :)

11-18-2009, 04:05 PM
I will not go into the really long story, if stargzr thinks what she wrote is a novel then mine would be something like the complete works of Shakespeare, Terry Pratchett, etc. My parents had issues, they gave me issues. Considering the fact that I was obese long before I was old enough to understand about weight or which foods are healthy or any such thing, yes, without a doubt, my becoming obese was their fault. My staying that way once I did know better was my fault. I see nothing wrong with blaming her for what happened when you were a child, if it was her fault, it was and that's just that. At this point though, it is time for you to have ownership of your own life, your own successes and failures. You are grown and gone and she can only control you if you let her. She is your mother and there will probably always be mixed feelings no matter how horribly she behaves, but it is probably better for your health (mental and physical) and that of your daughter to limit the contact that either of you have with your mother. I can understand the desire for her to have grandparents - 3 out of 4 of mine were gone before I hit 10 and 1 was gone before I was born. I don't have kids yet, but I am planning to and my mom is already gone, my dad is about to turn 78, my husband has never met his father, and his mother is literally insane - I feel your pain in that area. However, even if a child is starving to death you would not give them poisoned food, right? I do not plan on my children ever coming into contact with my husband's mother because on top of being insane she is a vile, evil person. What about your daughter's father? Can his parents be good grandparents for her? If not then you could look into some programs at retirement/nursing homes. They often have "adopt a grandparent" programs and in those programs you would be providing your daughter a grandparent as well as helping a lonely elderly person. It is what I plan to do with my kids when I have them. Family is about love, not blood. She can have grandparents, you just might have to get creative in order to find her some good ones. Good luck!

11-18-2009, 04:42 PM
No his Parents are no better. His dad is an Alcoholic, like bad. And his mom is crazy selfish, comes around when it's convient for her, we think she is doing drugs, just not sure yet or for sure! But pretty positive she is.

Thanks for all the words of encouragement and advice. My daughter does have a awesome Grandpa (my dad) he is the only amazing grandparent she has. The more I think about it though, alot of you are right. Better for her to have NO grandma then a bad one. She has a great papa and that's all she needs. My dad is an amazing guy, he will bend over backwards for his family and his granddaughter. I am a daddy's girl (if you can't tell.)