Chicks in Control - New and in need of help badly!!

Hello ladies..I'm new to 3FC and so greatful I've found this forum because I need help badly. Before I get into that I'll tell you a bit about myself. Sorry if it's a bit long, hope you all don't mind!

I'll be 23 years old next month and have battled my weight since age 9-10. By age 16 I'd reached my all time high of 275 lbs. I was miserable and as most of you can probably relate, hated life being so big but just never had the motivation to do anything about it. The following year I finally decided enough was enough and knew I needed to lose the weight, and between fall 2003 and fall 2005 I'd gone from 275 down to 155. I did it the "right way" with healthy eating and lots of exercise. Although 150's isn't tiny, I was in a size 8 for the first time ever (was pushing a 24 plus before) and felt absolutely amazing. That was very short lived though because after moving in with my friend who has horrible eating habits, and having the junk food around, I ended up gaining all the way back to 240 by winter of 2007. I was devistated and very depressed to say the least, soo once again, after gaining 10 lbs while on vacation in Florida decided enough was enough. I HAD to get the weight back off and KEEP it off this time. From January 2008 to summer of this year I've once again lost it all and more, going from 240 all the way down to finally reaching my goal weight of 125lbs and a size 4. I'd gained a few back here and there, but quickly took them back off each time between August and October...

This brings me to the whole reason I'm here and why I need help. I have TONS of issues going on, from obsessing over my weight and weighing myself multiple times a day, and for a long time not eating enough (around 1000 cals a day) to the complete opposite. This summer I began binge eating due to a combination of stress and restricting myself for too long, and because I didn't want to gain weight I fell into the very bad habit of extreme over exercising. I'd go to the gym and do 2 hours of cardio on the elliptical burning usually anywhere from 1000-1200 calories to try to "make up" for all the food I'd eaten. Doing so I managed to maintain my weight for a while...until recently. In mid October I was 126 lbs, and wasn't over exercising anymore, but after this past month of really terrible binge eating of lots and lots of carbs (chips, donuts, candy, you name it!) I've managed to go from that healthy 126 all the way back up to 140. IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?! Can one gain a true almost 15 lbs in one month?! I am scared to death girls. Seriously, I cannot handle gaining the weight back AGAIN but can't stop eating no matter how hard I try. It's bad enough my pants that fit perfectly last month are skin tight now, and my waist is an inch 1/2 larger! I know some of it is probably water weight but if I'm true with myself I'm thinking 10 lbs is real. I feel like such a failure after doing so great for so long, and I need to get a handle on the binging before I'm 150, then 175, then 200+. I WILL NOT LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN. I've put all my heart and soul into getting healthy and can't take gaining it back again. The feeling of being at goal was too wonderful to just throw away. For the first time in my life I felt truly beautiful and that is much more important than those dumb donuts or chips! So that's a positive at least..I've realized I have a problem and took the first step and bought all the foods I lose with (yogurt, apples, lean cuisines for work, chicken breast and veggies, etc.).. and starting tomorrow morning no matter how much I want the junk foods I will resist. I just need support right now, and somewhere to vent when I'm having a bad day so I don't use food for comfort. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated, and I'd love to do the same for you all as well. Sorry again for such a long post and thanks for listening girls!

oh italian bella you sound sooo familiar, in varying degrees, to everyone I've ever known who has tried to lose weight. we've all been there to some degree, i think.
it does sound like you have a mild kind of anxiety order, that could need some more professional help, just in case your worries escalate to where you can't control them.
having said that, this is such a fab forum that you will find loads of support on here.
congratulate yourself for what you have done and try to relax about eating - it's healthy! and so is your weight.
all the best

Welcome aboard! I first want to say that I really admire your determination to be healthy. I really understand gaining 10+ pounds in a month because I did that off and on for a period of 8 months and now, I'm trying to dig myself out of that hole. I think there are several things that need to happen in order to control this addiction to food. First, we need to make every effort to separate emotions from food. If you start feeling anxious or sad or whatever, stop and tell yourself that this is an emotion and food is not a remedy for it. Find ways to deal with the stress because there will ALWAYS be stress in our lives, one way or another.

Second, you must have a food plan. I highly recommend keeping track of calories, but not eating too little. Find out what your Basal Metabolic Rate is and eat those amounts of calories. Work out in a healthy way and start taking care of yourself the way you would a good friend or a loved family member. Does that make sense? We usually put ourselves last on the list when it comes to good health. Incorporate healthy eating slowly into your life. Try to consume fresh, organic foods and cut out any foods that trigger binge eating. For instance, I know I can't go near peanut butter, cereal, chocolate and (of all things) caviar (I'm Russian). So, if you have a roommate who has those foods, ask him/her to keep those foods in a place where you cannot access them. But, most importantly, decide in your mind that you will no longer eat refined sugar, highly processed foods that don't truly feed your body. I also recommend having no soda and no artificial sweeteners, which make our bodies think that sugar is coming and when it doesn't, our bodies are desperate for sugar and we end up giving in to our cravings.

Finally, come back here every time you need and even when you don't as a reminder of what you're doing. This forum has helped me SO MUCH and I have gotten amazing support and advice like never before. When you have a terrible urge to binge, have some things in place that you can do. Take a walk, chew gum, sip on some hot tea, paint your nails, call a friend, take a bubble bath, read a book, do some push ups, etc. Please take good care of your body and if you do fall, pick yourself back up again with care and compassion, for you are only human and we all have our imperfections.

My eyes are teared up reading your post...I can feel the panic in your words... and everything you said is what scares me the most...gaining the weight back after spending so much time and energy making changes...not to mention how unhealthy it is.

italianbellaxoxo, you are making progress...look you posted on here for the 1st time and you have been a member since April 2009. AWESOME! Focus on the good things you are doing....u wrote on here and you bought healthy foods...baby steps.

Today I will light a candle and say a prayer for you...hang in there...

Cathy

Hi Italianbella
You are not alone, of course. All of this sounds very familiar to me, just different details. First, I would say don’t panic. You DO have control even if you feel terrible about what’s going on. Always remember that. Take a deep breath and mentally wipe your slate clean. You have all these dates, calories, weights, foods and fears cramming your mind. No wonder you feel panicky, that’s completely understandable. Everyone does this, but consider why these are the things you are focusing on—not what’s going inside yourself.

How do you really feel about yourself right now? Do you like yourself? Do you love yourself even? It’s taken me a long time to work with this, but forgiveness and self-love is crucial. If you’re beating yourself up all the time things start to get very scary. I know how that feels. Whether we’re at goal or not we must find ways to like and appreciate ourselves. You have done amazing things…do not forget this!

You’ve already proven to yourself that you can set goals and meet them. You have discovered that you are beautiful. We have to see this in ourselves everyday.

I don’t mean to be preachy, but in a way I am speaking to myself as well. I am re-losing weight again too. I take an emotional self-inventory and I’m realistic about it. I don’t have to be in loooove with myself all the time or perfectly happy. But I do have to respect myself and the efforts I make everyday. I am learning to trust that I KNOW how to take care of myself and can do it.

You know how to be healthy and find a healthy weight. You also know that when you live in an unhealthy environment you must be diligent. Right now, you recognize you are being over critical with yourself and you are hurting deeply. You see what I am saying? It’s ok, relax, you already know what’s derailing you. So use this knowledge, take your small steps and move forward. Grocery shopping and having a food plan are great ones. It’s not all about your actions; it’s your thoughts as well. What could you be saying to yourself that’s causing this?

You sound like you have a great ability to self-reflect. Use this skill! I hope you are doing better today and I really hope you post often around here. You have a lot of experience and advice to share yourself!

Wow, you lost alot of weight, you should be proud of yourself! Please, take control now before you gain any more. I regained weight(like 65 to 75 lbs.) twice before after I lost it. This is my third time losing the weight. Believe me, you don't want to start all over again. Just remember, nothing can taste as good as thin feels!

Hey italianbella,

I understand exactly how you feel--especially your references to disordered eating and exercising (too few calories, binging, too much time at the gym, etc). There have been times when I had fewer then 500 calories a day and lost more than a pound a day for months or more! Then, I'd eventually gain it back, of course, through overeating. It's almost as if we are on extreme mode sometimes--starve or consume. No healthy middle ground seems to exist.

There's certainly an element of needing to get in control; but have you ever considered speaking to a therapist/psychiatrist? I was surprised at helpful they can be (and sometimes how helpful they can't be).

If that's not an option; consider taking some pressure off of yourself. Obviously, you want to nip it into bud; but beating yourself up probably won't do much but make you feel worse. And feeling worse certainly isn't good for someone prone to binge eating. Maybe you should eat foods that really satisfy you? I know that eating a breakfast of something super tasty and good, like sausage and biscuits (within whatever calorie limits you have), makes you start out the day feeling good...and you're less willing to go overboard later.

Hi,
I'm brand new as well..and also 23. Your story made me cry..I've been there and I know how scary it is. Stay strong and remember that you CAN overcome this.

Take care,
Lisa

Italianbellaxoxo, I am so glad you found this forum. It is filled with lovely people. I agree with what the others have said. You can be proud of yourself for losing the weight in the first place, and for recognizing that there is a problem.

I can so identify with what you were saying. I have done it myself, including gaining it all back and gaining 10 pounds in a month. I am working on bingeing issues myself, and I am really trying to learn how to step back and focus on what I am trying not to think about rather than eating. I find bingeing numbs emotions for a while, but the issues will come back again when you are done eating.

If you're upset about something, come back to the forum. There are lots of sympathetic ears here who want to help.