100 lb. Club - Losing perspective...




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ubergirl
11-16-2009, 04:45 PM
Today, I was out for a walk (beautiful day :)) and so I was late eating lunch-- around 2:45 pm.

Was pretty hungry, so I had a bowl of soup and a half pita turkey sandwich-- pretty standard lunch for me.

There was some leftover roasted chicken in the fridge, but I didn't put it in my sandwich because there was just a little meat left stuck to the bones.

But after I ate the soup and sandwich, I decided to pick the rest of the chicken off the bones.

I felt horribly guilty both while I was eating it and afterwards-- there was something about it that felt very out of control.

But when I added up my calories, I was still right on track-- I don't think I ate more than 200 calories of the chicken, which is within my snack allowance....

I really don't like that feeling-- even though technically it really was fine to eat it.

I still live in fear that one of these days I'm just going to "snap" and I'll suddenly revert back to my old ways.


cathydoe
11-16-2009, 04:50 PM
I still live in fear that one of these days I'm just going to "snap" and I'll suddenly revert back to my old ways.

Yeah, I feel like that a lot too. Is it because I have lost weight and gained it back? I do feel like I am a different person today. But I also feel like a little kid and the "gift" can be taken away at any moment. A binge is a heart beat away.

Maybe it feels icky cuz the food wasn't "planned". I don't know...but I do understand! I look forward to hearing what other people have to say!

Cathy

Slashnl
11-16-2009, 04:52 PM
Yep, I understand that too. If it isn't exactly what was planned for the day, it is an instant guilty feeling and a lot of despair. I don't know how to avoid it, but thought I'd let you know that you aren't alone!!


VernDern
11-16-2009, 05:02 PM
Im exactly the same way so all I have is understanding...no advice. lol

I just feel like even if I go off plan with a planned splurge that any second Im going to be brain washed and forget all about dieting and gain every pound back. Its a horrible feeling. Perhaps its because we want to lose the weight so badly that were terrified to gain it back? Its odd though because I feel totally in control and yet Im overwhelmed with feelings of failure when I eat off plan or splurge a bit.

Im glad to know that Im not alone with these feelings! Hopefully as we lose more and more the feelings will fade away.

time2lose
11-16-2009, 05:05 PM
I understand too.
I still live in fear that one of these days I'm just going to "snap" and I'll suddenly revert back to my old ways.

I have this fear also except that I think of it as a healthy respect. I fear fire enough to not stick my hand into a roaring fire. That fear is a healthy respect. It is very possible for me to go back to my old ways so I have to be careful to not slide. Watching what I eat is my way to treat the fire with respect.

Loving Me
11-16-2009, 05:07 PM
I know just how you feel. I feel like at least half of the time I am on the edge of a cliff and could so easily fall off and back into the abyss of binging again.
I know for me a lot of the problem is that I have lost weight so many times, only to give up before reaching my goal and putting all the weight back on, plus more. So deep down I don't actually believe I can do it this time and reach the finish line, I'm just waiting for that cliff edge to disappear from under me.
On the plus side this time around I am losing the weight so differently to how I ever have before, and I have gone through a very tough mental journey this year which has made me analyse my life and what I want for my future. This time I am determined that I will continue with my journey, even if I do slip along the way.

Carly Smoker
11-16-2009, 06:01 PM
I did this same thing just today. Ate off plan and then felt guilty, added the math and was still well within limits.
I think this is one thing that it doesn't matter if everyone else does it it still feels bad.
Have you ever read the book The Beck Diet Solution the author deals with how you feel about things like this and how to change your thinking so it doesn't happen in the first place.

beerab
11-16-2009, 06:33 PM
First I ask myself why I did it- is TOM around the corner? Was I upset? Mad?

Then I tell myself I'm human- I'm not perfect- I am changing my life and not going to beat myself up about it.

The next day I make extra sure I am good with my food intake and up the water intake also- usually I mess up with sodium though.

Windchime
11-16-2009, 09:33 PM
I worry that I will stop caring about my weight and go back to my old ways. The last time I lost weight, it was about 30 pounds and I maintained it for well over a year. Then something in my brain--the same think that clicked "on" and helped me lose weight--clicked back off. I didn't care. I started slowly going back to my old habits and I felt myself getting literally too big for my britches. And I noticed it, but I didn't care.

I don't want that to happen again. I don't know how to ensure against it. I care right now and I cannot imagine NOT caring about my diet, how I look, my health, etc.....but that's how I felt then, too, before I stopped caring. So I would really like to know how I can make that "not caring" stay away!

HeaterAS
11-16-2009, 10:09 PM
I worry that I will stop caring about my weight and go back to my old ways. The last time I lost weight, it was about 30 pounds and I maintained it for well over a year. Then something in my brain--the same think that clicked "on" and helped me lose weight--clicked back off. I didn't care. I started slowly going back to my old habits and I felt myself getting literally too big for my britches. And I noticed it, but I didn't care.

I don't want that to happen again. I don't know how to ensure against it. I care right now and I cannot imagine NOT caring about my diet, how I look, my health, etc.....but that's how I felt then, too, before I stopped caring. So I would really like to know how I can make that "not caring" stay away!


Oh boy I can relate to EVERY word in this post.
Especially
I cannot imagine NOT caring about my diet, how I look, my health, etc.....but that's how I felt then, too, before I stopped caring.

I have no clue how to keep feeling this way either though.

DCHound
11-16-2009, 10:11 PM
I still live in fear that one of these days I'm just going to "snap" and I'll suddenly revert back to my old ways.

I struggled with that fear until pretty recently. Two things happened that convinced me, this time is REALLY different.

In August I went through a really horrible shock. First thing I did was go get drunk. Hadn't gotten drunk since, I don't know, 2005 I guess. In the past, that would have led to my hating myself, beating myself up, then more drinking, then uncontrollable eating...you get the picture.

This time, I got up the next morning, hungover, and immediately told myself, hey DC, know what? You screwed up. You're human. You're allowed to screw up. I forgive you, and I still love you. Make better choices today.

That totally lightened the burden, and I made better choices that day, and most days afterward.

Then, last month, I went to a party and I chose to binge on cupcakes. Yummy, delicious, evil cupcakes. But I knew in advance I was going to let myself do this, and when the cupcakes were gone, I was done. I was sick as a dog the next day, but I told myself, hey, that's the price you paid for those cupcakes, and it's OK, I still love you.

And I went right back on plan, no more cupcakes.

What's the difference? Why am I calm, cool and collected about this, when with every previous attempt to lose weight and maintain the loss, I felt like I was clinging by my fingernails?

The difference is, I really love myself now, and I never did before. I love myself, and I deserve to have a wonderful, happy life. A wonderful, happy life means I want to be healthy and active. I don't want to be super morbidly obese, drunk, stoned and miserable. So I refuse to be that way anymore.

Very, very simple. Very reasonable. I'm worth too much to myself to hurt myself by gaining weight and being unhealthy again. So when I screw up, I forgive myself, and I jump right back on the wagon. :)

starfishkitty
11-16-2009, 10:13 PM
:hug:

You're human. You make mistakes.

Just don't let them continue when they happen. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get right back on track. Don't let the depression from the "binge" let you slide into old habits... you're better than that and you've come a long way! :)

ubergirl
11-16-2009, 11:07 PM
I worry that I will stop caring about my weight and go back to my old ways. The last time I lost weight, it was about 30 pounds and I maintained it for well over a year. Then something in my brain--the same think that clicked "on" and helped me lose weight--clicked back off. I didn't care. I started slowly going back to my old habits and I felt myself getting literally too big for my britches. And I noticed it, but I didn't care.

I don't want that to happen again. I don't know how to ensure against it. I care right now and I cannot imagine NOT caring about my diet, how I look, my health, etc.....but that's how I felt then, too, before I stopped caring. So I would really like to know how I can make that "not caring" stay away!

I exactly relate to this too!!!

I can't understand why suddenly I am able to do something that I have NEVER been able to do before, and what's more, to be honest, most of the time it seems easy....

So I am afraid that the switch that flipped in my brain will switch off again....

Anything that reminds me of my previous behavior, even it's it's just picking on some dried up old chicken, makes me feel like that old behavior is right there, lurking, ready to lure me back in...

On the other hand, I did finish up the day just fine-- no more problems, and I feel like I'm on track as usual...

And I can't really even characterize eating the chicken as a "mistake"... I had plenty of calories left to incorporate those calories right into my day and still stay on target...

shrug.

JayEll
11-17-2009, 06:41 AM
Another addition to viewpoint and perspective:

In the past, you wouldn't have eaten some bites of old chicken and worried about it. You would have eaten, who knows, a whole sleeve of cookies? A pint of ice cream? A bag of chips? And obliviously gone on.

Look, you had a serving of protein. That is actually a good thing! :yes:

It's hard to find the middle ground between not caring at all and being obsessively concerned. But it can be done.

Don't dwell on it further. Just stay with your plan. You have been doing GREAT! Keep it up!

Jay

Trazey34
11-17-2009, 08:56 AM
<<hugs>> this is such a complex issue! on the one hand, really??? eating some chicken is a binge now?? compared to how we all USED to eat you have to see the humour in that LOL But it's also downright terrifying, the notion that **poof** everything can revert back to the old days, and all our hard work and successes are gone out the window. I agree that FEAR is a great motivator. I can't use guilt, that doesn't work on me, not about food anyway. I never got the correlation between "I ate xy&z therefore i am a bad person" doesn't compute at all -- i ate it, made a bad choice, i'll choose better next meal.

All i can say is, be vigilant. You ate that chicken and immediately knew it wasn't on your plan. It wasn't mindless. If you can STOP and add up the calories and write it down, I think that's a step in the right direction.

Fingers crossed for us all

Kae
11-17-2009, 09:24 AM
I understand too.


I have this fear also except that I think of it as a healthy respect. I fear fire enough to not stick my hand into a roaring fire. That fear is a healthy respect. It is very possible for me to go back to my old ways so I have to be careful to not slide. Watching what I eat is my way to treat the fire with respect.

That is a very good way to put it... I am cautious about falling off track too. I can see how easy it would be to take a few days off and eat and eat and eat. BUT it helps to be aware of this, I think. It keeps things in perspective because I know from experience that if I 'take time off' it is that much harder to get back on track the next time.

RubyBlue
11-17-2009, 01:21 PM
There’s a lot of great advice on this thread. From my experience I DO believe the fear is self-protection. The fire analogy is a great point. They key really is balancing the internal red flags and the mental abuse. Never let that panic paralyze you. It can be a fine line. Through my losing/gaining/re-losing process I have figured out my biggest mistake was forgiveness.

I can be a perfectionist and that eventually got obsessive and self-damaging when I couldn’t forgive myself for eating the “chicken” or missing a workout. I was being so tough on myself I finally just stopped caring because it was strangely easier than waking up every morning and hating myself. So I made the choice to flip the “switch”.

I am learning to slip up, forgive and keep going. I know the maintainers understand this. I didn’t gain 40lbs overnight! A day or so is not the end of the world. There’s always a chance to forgive and redirect. I am training myself in forgiveness and self-love everyday.

I would argue you haven’t lost perspective at all. You identified an important part of what is working and not working for you. That’s a big step!

WhitePicketFences
11-17-2009, 02:55 PM
I care right now and I cannot imagine NOT caring about my diet, how I look, my health, etc.....but that's how I felt then, too, before I stopped caring. So I would really like to know how I can make that "not caring" stay away!

Oh, this struck a cord with me, too ... I am new to maintaining this large a loss (though years ago I lost 25-30 lbs, gained back + then some). So I'm with you -- but my plan is to remind myself to keep doing, keep hanging on even if I don't care at the time. Which isn't shabby, as frankly it worked for much of my weight loss.

We could also remind ourselves that we never want to undertake this long and drastic a change again. Of course, our selves may not care at the time, but even our indifferent selves should be able to stick to daily allotment because we must, not because we care.

And because our future, not-caring selves will begin caring again!

Yeah, lot of pronouns going on there. Heh. I just really, really don't want to 'wake up' out of another fog, but this time even older/with even more weight to take off.