Body Image and Issues after Weight Loss - Am I a Bad Person???

I wasn't quite sure where to post this...

Okay, so I've been overweight for a while now and I've always struggled with my own body image issues and food related issues. This year I've made huge strides towards just being healthier...I enjoy healthier food, I love exercising, I appreciate feeling good and being productive...these are NEW developments, keep in mind.

However...I've found that I am starting to feel...disgusted by some of the overweight people in my life or that I meet. And I feel TERRIBLE about this. I am no better than anyone and it's not like I'm perfect, it just feels like my contempt and hatred for being overweight has slowly morphed into contempt for overweight people. Like my mom, for instance...she's at least 150 pounds overweight. She always has been, but it's only recently that I feel really irritated with this...disgusted, even. She just eats all the time, never exercises, makes no effort to take care of herself and she looks...bad.

Also, I just met a REALLY nice guy...he's sweet, funny, has a good job, seems really genuine, etc, etc...but he's overweight. And this is a turn off to me.

Before anyone gets mad, please know that I feel awful. I know that it's wrong of me to feel this way and I wish very much that I didn't. I love my mom and I know that this new guy could potentially be someone special, I just don't know how to control these negative feelings that I seem to be developing towards the overweight people that I know. (It's not overweight people in general...just the ones I have personal relationships with). I KNOW that I am no better than anyone, I am overweight myself and I'm never far from hitting the Golden Corral buffet for a couple hours, myself.

I promise I'm not mean :(

I totally feel you. I get so annoyed when my friends/family ***** about their weight or tease me for losing and then just eat and eat... I've come to a point where I can't stand it. I'm disgusted at how much they eat and don't care about their bodies. But I have days when I do it too, so I can't say anything.

Well I'd say as far as attraction, even if the best guy in the world came along, there is no guarantee that you'd be attracted to him. If you aren't attracted to him, I wouldn't date him. I was never attracted to big guys myself but that even included muscular guys. I also was interested in those that were active rather than couch potatoes.

As far as your mom, it may be that you are becoming more self aware of her habits. I imagine you are also feeling concern for her. In any situation though, I'd try to put yourself in their place a little bit and a bit of empathy can help. Your mom may have her own issues and demons that keep her where she is at. How does she feel about herself? Does she really see beyond her current habits? What would it take to get her to change?

I can't say I am disgusted by overweight people, but I sure notice them, have you noticed how many teen agers are grossly overweight ? I feel sorry for them and wish I could tell them they don't have to be this way. I am talking about strangers, kids I see in the mall And other places.

This is pretty normal. Is it right? No, but you already know that. Where's it come from?

Personally, I think it comes from giving ourselves permission to be disgusted with ourselves. Once we're ok with being disgusted with oursleves, it becomes pretty easy to be disgusted with other people (and it starts from the center and grows outward, so the first people we're disgusted with are the people closest to us. Also, having that disgust for others gives you even more reason and energy to hate/feel disgust for yourself, which empowers you to send even more disgust outward. It's a vicious cycle, if you allow it to be.

The thing is you do have a choice. I know it feels like these are unwanted thoughts - so they're out of your control, but that's not entirely true, either. You do have control over these thoughts, or at least you can have control over these thoughts if you choose to.

People say "I can't help it, it's just how I feel," but that isn't really true. You don't have to allow yourself to feel this way. You know better. You know for yourself that compassion is a whole lot more helpful then judgement and contempt. When you feel people are disgusted with YOU, you know how hurtful that feels and how it doesn't motivate you and make you feel more able to change - it's more likely to inspire depression, hopelessness and helplessness.

You probably think you're hiding your emotions well (that you wouldn't tell any of these people that they disgust you), but I would bet that on some level they know - don't you know when someone is looking down their noses at you with contempt and disgust?

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, because I know that you don't want to feel this way, and you consciously know it's not helpful to yourself or to the targets of your disgust. There are ways to end the cycle of disgust targeted inward and outward. Most of them involve talking to yourself - not just bad, punishing thoughts - not just trying to will the thoughts away, but by replacing them with compassionate, loving thoughts. Remind youself of the wonderful qualitites these people have, and why FAT is only a very small portion of who they are.

Try to find out where the disgust is really coming from. Is it because you're projecting your disgust of yourself onto them - or are you distracting yourself from making changes by looking at those in your life who need to change "more" than you (a way to say, I'm not so bad, I only have 40 lbs to lose, at least I'm not as bad/disgusting as my mother who has at least 150 - why she's more than 4 times as bad/disgusting as I am).

I'm not saying these are your thoughts, I'm saying that you find out where the disgust is coming from. Since you're not feeling it for strangers, only people close to you, I think there's a lot more than just disgust of obesity going on - it's something else, and you need to find out what that is, and heal it.

Hate the fat not the person?

I think you just have to remember how you have struggled and that they are probably struggling right now.

I can understand not liking how some people eat- while my husband isn't overweight it bothers me how he eats. He eats very unhealthy but is just LUCKY that he isn't overweight.

As for this person if you aren't attracted to him (it doesn't matter why) I wouldn't try to make it happen- it's just going to hurt him in the end.

I honestly think with my mom it has a lot to do with my lifelong fear of "ending up" like her. Not just physically but otherwise...she's always had depression and has made a lot of really bad decisions in her life and seems to have an overall lack of any self control. I just watch her...eating three bowls of cocoa krispies at midnight...and I get so angry and it IS disgusting to me now. I am so aware now of everything I put in my mouth now and how it affects my body and my weight and I can't help but apply that knowledge to what I see those around me eating. She's not ignorant and she does know better, it's like she's just out of control and doesn't care...it's kind of embarassing.

This is the first time that I've ever felt a lack of attraction (or complete attraction...I am attracted to him on a mental and emotional level) for someone based on weight. Really, I've always been the type to be able to find something attractive about everyone. It bothers me to think that I might now be limited like that...I don't want to be attracted to only a certain "type" of person...I know that a lot of great people are overweight...

Thanks for all the understanding support and the different perspectives. I'm glad that you guys were able to understand how I meant all of that and that I'm not a mean person or anything. I hope to be able to get these negative thoughts under control...

I think you might just be going through a phase as you adjust to some big changes in your own life, and figure out what that means to you. In a few weeks or months, you might find these feeling resolve themselves.

ThicknPretty, I'm going to go in a different direction with advice re the overweight guy. I say date him and give him a chance. I can tell you that the two greatest loves of my life were both men to whom I felt no initial attraction, but as our time together unfolded, the attractions could not have been stronger. It may be that your feelings never change, but on the other hand, you may be most pleasantly surprised. :)

Don't be too hard on yourself for your feelings of disgust toward others who are overweight. Personally, I think those are just externalized feelings of self-loathing. Now that you are actively taking steps to improve your health, you watch others engaging in behaviors that you yourself used to engage in -- and you can see with no illusions how self-destructive it is. Maybe it will help to distinguish between disliking the behaviors and disliking the person...? kaplods has said it best. :)

Your mom may be out of control and she may not care. Mental illnesses can be very powerful on a person, especially depression.

As far as attraction, it really all depends, I think people all have their 'types'. Funny that I was always attracted to dark haired/dark eyed guys but my husband is blonde with blue eyes. It was really him the individual that I was attracted to rather than him being the 'typical' type. It is possible that you could find yourself attracted to an overweight guy at some point but it doesn't sound like this guy is it.

i know im going to get alot of sideways glances for this but im going to say it anyways.

Dont bother with this guy. if your not attracted to him youll just hurt him in the end. he dosent deserve that he has his own demons to struggle with ( who dosent ) he dosent need this too

The way you feel towards your mother is unacceptable. My mother by no means was a great role model for me or my sisters ... my eldest sister ( 43 ) took care of my sister and i [my sister is 29 im 22 ] because my mother was emotionally unfit and struggled with her own problems BUT despite it all she is my mother and she has never left me to want or need for anything she has done all that she CAN for us and i love her unconditionally

third of all i know you said you feel bad but think of how you would feel if people felt that way towards you. pretty crappy huh? you may not b that overweight in the world of tubbies but in the real world your still pretty overweight. i bet if you knew what some people thought of you . you would burst into tears. YOU of all people should understand and have sympathy for people of a larger size... in alot of cases these people are depressed and eating has become a coping mechanism. some of these people have been through traumatic excperiances leading them to to use food to comfort themselves and yes there are the cases where medication. or just plain greedyness made them fat. what made you overweight? wouldent you like if someone could sympathise with you and instead of shed a critical eye on you help you with some constructive critisism??



* waits for people to tell me off, but im entitled to an opinion too *

Are you sure its "disgust" you feel...or is it more frustration? I know as I lost weight I became more and more frustrated with my husband and my sister and my brother - all overweight people who claimed they wanted to lose weight but refused to DO anything about it. I'm not and never have been disgusted by my husband...just angry that he won't change.

Maybe you feel that YOU made the choice and can't understand why THEY haven't, as well?

She's not ignorant and she does know better, it's like she's just out of control and doesn't care...it's kind of embarassing.


I had a feeling that this might be part of the issue, but didn't want to say anything in case I was wrong. You're disgust is tied to embarassment - how your mother's weight hurts YOU, not how it affects her.

Instead of feeling compassion for the pain her inability to control her obesity is having on her, you're thinking about how it hurts/embarasses you.

It's not an unnatural emotion - but it is a bit self-absorbed. I don't mean that harshly, and my guess would be that you're still young (under 30?)

I don't mean to dismiss your feelings, but it's very common when you're young to look at the world through the filter of how it affects you. The isn't about you, it's about her. Depression is a prison, and it can be very difficult to escape. Resentment against parental imperfections is pretty common (at least until you become a parent or in other ways start to see your parents as real people, not just parent-type people). It's easy to forget that parents are real people, with real demons and struggles. Their job is to raise us as best they can - not make our lives and themselves perfect for our sake.

I disagree that we should "hate the fat, but not the person." It's too much like hate the crime -not the criminal, implying that fat people ARE criminals, and their fat - their very existance being offensive and harmful to us all. I don't think we should hate fat at all. Body fat serves a very useful purpose, and until only the last couple generations, having a little extra ensured survival. The behavioral tendencies that ensured our survival, are now killing us.

It isn't a shock as to why so many Americans are obese - it's a wonder more are not. Liking food and having a strong desire to obtain and eat it, isn't a mental illness or a character defect - it's a survival mechanism that is not useful in an unnatural, artificially overabudent environment. It's not our brains and body's that are off-track it's our environment. We need to change the environment, because it could be tens or hundreds of thousands of years before our bodies and brains catch up.

We need to stop looking at obese people as some disgusting, immoral, deviants - instead of the people they are - normal people living in an abnormal environment.

I would suggest some books to give you a different perspective. Not all of them are perfect, and I don't agree with everything between the covers, but they're good thought provokers and insight into different perspectives.


The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite by David Kessler

Rethinking Thin: The New Science of Weight Loss---and the Myths and Realities of Dieting by Gina Kolata

FAT!SO? : Because You Don't Have to Apologize for Your Size
~ Marilyn Wann

Big Fat Lies: The Truth about Your Weight and Your Health
~ Glenn A. Gaesser

Fat: The Anthropology of an Obsession (I haven't read this one yet, just have heard good things about it).
~ Don Kulick and Anne Meneley

I definitely feel you. My parents and friends and family ***** and complain about their weight, or if I get excited about dropping a pants size my aunt (who is 225lbs and a size 16) will be "Oh great." in a sort of contemp-filled voice :| I try to just ignore it. When they irritate me I just preach to them about 90% of a healthy lifestyle is eating right, because they loooove their snacks and junk food.

it's like she's just out of control and doesn't care

A lot of food issues can go along with depression, such as binge eating disorder. I can tell you from the outside it probably appeared to my friends and family that I was out of control and didn't care. I was out of control, but I did care. I just couldn't seem to handle it properly. I'd hate myself for eating, so I'd eat more. Makes no sense logically, but it's what I did. And it took me a long time to pull myself out of that habbit (and I will always have to be vigilant to keep from falling back into it).

It's easy when your weight loss is going well to forget how hard it is to make those initial changes. My mom gets really negative about herself. I get so frustrated with her "I can't"s. But it's a hard mindset to change. You just have to remind yourself that just because you're ready and have made the change, doesn't mean she is. The best you can do is give her your support and hope she finds her way.

CHUNKEY_MUNKEY: I am not at all surprised that one person took everything the complete wrong way...there's always that one person! I am very accustomed to being misunderstood. You are indeed entitled to your opinion just as I am to mine and I sure hope no one tells you off! I think you could have delivered your opinion in a less emotional, more tactful way. Considering I DO have weight and self esteem issues of my own, it's odd that your response was directed at me as if I am an enemy of some sort! However, I am a really reasonable person and very level headed. I wrote that post because I felt guilty...not gleeful or superior or smug. I have nothing to feel smug about. I am the way I am because of my own choices and decisions and I am so far from perfect it's a little depressing. However, I'm 23 and my mother is 45. I am accountable for my actions and I am struggling to make changes for the better. I am a parent myself and I know that 1) I want to be healthy for my child 2) I want to be HAPPY for my child 3) I want to set good examples for my child. My mother has never ONCE taken any of those stands in life for ME. So while you're sitting there hoping that I burst into tears at the thought of what someone else thinks of me (which, by the way, I am very well aware of...one of the reasons I am making an effort to lose weight...would never cry about it though...whats the point?), why don't you instead get off the attack horse and put yourself in MY position.

To the rest of you, thank you so much for focusing on my intent and the words I actually wrote, not what could be inferred from a negative standpoint. I really DO appreciate all the positive feedback, the gentle criticism and that all of you have taken time to point out to me the things I hadn't thought of before. You have all been really insightful. I had a nagging feeling that my negative feelings towards my mom were rooted in negative feelings for myself and I see now that many of you agree...

Thanks again

kaplods: thank you for your intelligent, well thought out response and for the book suggestions definitely! It makes me feel really bad to have feelings like that towards my mom because she has done a lot for me and I know that it's important to respect her...so thanks. And yeah, I guess you're right, I am a little embarassed...that's bad...

I just wonder if she's ever going to get on track with me. I don't NEED her to do that to make my life better...but I worry about her aging and her health and what things will be life for her ten years from now...

And it's hard for me to stay on track when I'm surrounded by people who just don't seem to realize how hard it is or how important it is to be healthy...

I have to defend Chunky_Munkey somewhat. When you asked your question, you had to realize that some people would feel the answer was "yes."

I don't think that you can expect everyone to be so absolutely gentle with you, for expressing feelings that aren't so gentle. Particularly on the topic of feeling "disgust" for people with a great deal of weight to lose.

Many people can't get over the apparent hypocricy of a person judging so harshly (whether or not the person feels bad about it) and yet seeming to expect to be treated gently for the harsh opinion. In a perfect world, maybe - but in the real world, probably not. It's only fair to be as forgiving of another person's harsh feelings as you want them to be toward your own.


The topic itself is a very painful one for many of us. We've felt far too painfully disgust and contempt sent our direction, that we can get a bit fired up when those emotions are being hurled at someone else - especially when the hurler is someone who it may seem should know better because they experience it themselves.

I'm not saying you're supposed to feel that you deserve harsh criticism, here - but certainly I guess I would expect you to understand why it's there.

Being a target of disgust, distate, contempt, ridicule, and even hatred - by not only strangers but also people in our lives that are supposed to love us - leaves some pretty deep and thick scars, that can really hurt when someone expresses those feelings and seems to want/expect a warm "it's ok to feel that way," reaction.

No - it's not ok. Your mom probably knows how you feel about her - and it certainly can't lighten her depression to know her daughter finds her weak, disgusting and repulsive.

If someone said that about your mother - you would rush to defend her - and that's what Chunkey_Monkey did - rush to your mom's defense - a woman she doesn't even know, because she identified with your mother's position more than yours.

I have to say that I do too. Probably because my situation is closer to your mothers than your own. I tried to be sympathetic to your situation, but I guess I'd hope that you could be a bit more sympathetic to Chunkey_Munkey's and your mother's. If you think your mom doesn't know what you think of her, you're probably wrong.

I also doubt that she's unaware of the importance of healthy habits. I've known since I was a child, the importance - and yet was unable to succeed. I struggled along with my overweight mother - she struggling with the same 100 lbs, and my only getting larger and larger with each weight loss attempt.

Knowing the importance, and being able to succeed are two different skill sets. She's not intentionally trying to sabotage you or make your life more difficult. You really can't walk in her shoes so I understand why you can't fully understand her point of view yet.

It really is true that a person tends not to appreciate their own parents struggles until they experience most of those same struggles themselves. It's funny how parents get smarter, the older we get.

Sometimes, I am torn between great empathy and a "I can do it, anyone can do it!" mentality.

I have to say, I do notice much more the large servings in restaurants, the grocery carts loaded with chips, frozen pizzas, snack cakes and white bread, the heavy children.

I've always said that permanent weight loss was the hardest and the easiest thing I have done - at the same time. It is easy to eat an apple, it's hard to eat an apple when the choice is an apple or a pastry, or if you forget to bring your apple and the only thing to eat at work comes out of a snack machine.

We live in a culture that has a very conflicting message. Be thin and beautiful but SUPER SIZE your fries. Restaurant portions are huge, but models have every ounce of fat/loose skin airbrushed off them.

It's easy to think, well, everyone has big Starbucks coffees and gets a danish to go with it. There are donuts at work, everyone is eating them. Everyone gets fast food. Look at all these huge bags of chips by the register, it must be okay to buy them. Ordering pizza is regular. Big pans of frozen lasagna are de facto dinners.

So, I'm just rambling on here. I'm trying to say, we may know what it takes to lose weight, but we want to eat like regular people (Or how we perceive "regular" people eat). A HUGE step for me was realizing that I couldn't eat that way. The typical "american" diet made me fat. I had to get off the bus of convenience and it is HARD, so very hard.

Not only is it very difficult to live a healthy lifestyle (just the planning and expense and cooking!) but food is also love, and comfort and tastes so good.

So, part of me is like JUST DO IT YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT HOHOS and the other part of me is like I understand, I know it's hard. Because I know, personally know, deep down in my soul, how hard it is, I could never feel contempt or disgust for overweight people (maybe frustration as indicated above for people who talk and talk and talk and never DO).

That is your mother. If she is like me, her eating and weight are sources of great personal misery. Be a good and loving daughter. Share recipes, make her dinner (if she doesn't think healthy food can be yummy SHOW HER), go to a farmer's market together, go walking. Be understanding.

I don't want to be harsh, but you are in the losing weight stage, and it's tough for people to lose weight and keep it off. I hope only for your success, but don't be so quick to judge others before you've demonstrated some long term success of your own. As I said, losing weight is hard, but living a healthy lifestyle and staying slender forever? It's hard for life! (with great rewards, of course)

I don't think you're a horrible person. I think that you are more likely to notice certain things. Not just people who are overweight, but the things that cause them to be overweight. There is SOOO much junk food out there and it seems easier to access. We're bombarded with advertisements for all of it, and it's hard to resist. Maybe you are just experiencing frustration with it because you work so hard to avoid it, while other people indulge in it. I wouldn't call it "jealousy," but sometimes I get annoyed when the people around me don't seem to care about their health and I work so hard to lead a healthy lifestyle. Sometimes it makes me want to cave in but I have to fight it.

Here's my take on the whole thing...

First of all, unless any one of us is Mother Teresa or God (and I think it's safe to say that neither of them have an account on this forum), we all pass judgment...most of us are kind enough to keep this judgment to ourselves.

I think what is happening with you (and me for that matter) is that we have seen PERSONALLY what negative effects carrying extra weight can have on our lives. We know what it's like to feel lethargic, unmotivated, emotionally torn up, have really awful self-esteem, feel awful because every few months we have to concede and buy a size up..the list is endless.

But those of us who have committed to weight loss and changing our exercise and eating habits also know that it takes a lot of hard work.

I have to constantly plan out what I am going to eat, when and where I will exercise, look up menus to restaurants online to make sure that I can go out to eat, track what I eat and how much exercise I have done...

So for instance, there are some people that I am very close to who are very overweight...I have sympathy for them, I understand the position that they are in..I have been there. But the second I hear them talking about how they "just can't lose weight" I get irritated. I know that it takes a lot of hard work but I feel like if I can do it anyone can. I have found resources (this forum, nutrition and exercise information) to help me, the resources are available, they just choose not to use them because it's easier not to. It irritates me.

And yes, I feel bad when I look at people close to me who are overweight and judge them for going to that fast food restaurant or laying on the couch all day watching TV when they could be going for a walk. But I can't control my feelings, I just have to keep my mouth shut.

I disagree that we should "hate the fat, but not the person." It's too much like hate the crime -not the criminal, implying that fat people ARE criminals, and their fat - their very existance being offensive and harmful to us all. I don't think we should hate fat at all. Body fat serves a very useful purpose, and until only the last couple generations, having a little extra ensured survival. The behavioral tendencies that ensured our survival, are now killing us.


Kap-I always love reading your opinions and advice and I generally agree...but this is one time that I do have to respectfully disagree.

I agree that there may be a connection between "hate the fat, but not the person" and "hate the crime, but not the criminal"..on the surface

What I do not agree on is that you can say that because those two statements are similar in structure that you can insinuate that by someone saying "hate the fat" implies that they make the connection from "hate the fat, but not the person" to an implication that "fat" people are criminals. No one is saying that.

We all know that being overweight and obese stems from very complex mechanisms, both physiological and emotional. But obesity/being overweight is something that when it comes down to it, we do to ourselves. We put the food in our mouths, for whatever reason, but no one is forcing us to do it (except for our mind)...we are the ones doing it. That said, I don't think that's "criminal" nor should the statement "hate the fat, love the person" be equated to that. I love my best friend...but I do not like the choices she makes in regards to food and not exercising - and the culmination of those poor decisions just happen to be physical in the form of fat.


So yes, I think the statement "hate the fat, love the person" is perfectly reasonable...because I hate the fat for eventually possibly acting to end my friend's life (or mine) but I love my friend and I love myself.

I don't think you are a bad person. I think you are very honest and it was brave for you to post your feelings here. I'm glad you're here!

I was all set to be irked at your post, until I realized I have some very similar feelings toward my mom and her weight problem. And I feel the way I do for the reason you stated: I am absolutely scared to death of becoming her. So it's easy to pick apart the things in her that I most identify with and am trying hardest to get under control. It's not fair to her, I know. I should just love her faults and all and let her live her life as she wants to, but my frustrations get the better of me a lot of times.

As far as strangers with weight problems are concerned, I feel nothing but empathy. But my issues with my mom are different because as Kaplods so beautifully put it, my problem is ultimately with me not her. I fear not being able to conquer my weight problem like my mom failed to conquer hers. She gave up and I fear getting to the point where I give up too. I fear not having the life I want because I let the weight take over. She is one potential version of my future. A future I don't want for myself. So the trick is to steer my life in a different direction without hurting my mom in the process. I hope to get there one day.

So yes, I think the statement "hate the fat, love the person" is perfectly reasonable...because I hate the fat for eventually possibly acting to end my friend's life (or mine) but I love my friend and I love myself.

I understand your perspective, I just disagree. It reminds me of a recent post in which the poster said "my body hates me," because of normal weight fluctuations. They weren't a function of the body misbehaving - but of operating properly

Our bodies and brains work they way they do for a reason. Fat is not the enemy, and neither is eating. I think that learning to change the behavior of overeating lies in understanding why it is a natural and good thing - not an abhorent, and deviant thing. We need to learn to work with our bodies (and yes, even the fat) rather than against it.

I think we tend to see people as being bad, weak, stupid, stubborn, selfish and all sorts of negative things - when I think that most obesity is caused by none of those things.

I think it's the environment more than the person. 100 years ago, people were thinner, but not smarter, more educated, nicer or more motivated than people today. A good thing (storing a bit of body fat for lean times) became a bad thing when lean times disappeared.

Instead of blaming the environment, we decide to blame the person.

Don't get me wrong, personal responsibility is a large component of fixing the problem, but learning to change the environment (even if it's your own personal environment) is more effective in my opinion than casting blame, especially when you're discussing a behavior that was "good" behavior necessary for survival for at least the last 200,000 years or so (longer, if you want to discuss pre-homo-sapiens species).

We've changed the rules - but our bodies are designed for the old rules (a lot of competition for fewer resources. A lot of energy expenditure in order to eat and avoid being eaten. Overpopulation occurring before widespread obesity in a population. "Sweet/salty/fat" cravings and behavior to seek out and eat as many foods with those flavors as possible - kept us alive. There was survival value in seeking those flavors, because they meant calorie density which in the natural world means survival.

The rules have changed, but calories, eating, and even fat aren't enemies. They still are necessary for survival. There's just no natural precedent in nature for having "too much" of a survival drive, because in the natural world "too much" is a state that doesn't exist.

I really think that blame and hatred of what once kept people alive (and to some degree still does) is counterproductive. Understanding how to make an unnatural environment mimic a more natural one makes more sense. Hatred of anythinging doesn't have to enter the picture at all.

Yep...the apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it?

Whether it's your mother, or your possible love interest, or other fat people in your life that are beginning to disgust you, please remember that they are obese humans beings just like you, and that you are only an oreo away from being one of "them" again. Like a few other above so eloquently phrased, "Many of us" have been on the receiving end of that disgust. At 333 pounds, a mother, drinking beer and eating cookies at mid-night, embarrassing my sons because of my weight, suffering extreme depression, and full of self loathing I was a complete and miserable wreck. I am living proof that people can and do change, and I hope your Mother someday finds the strength I did. Maybe you could guide her here. If you are disgusted by her and not interested in helping her, I will be happy to try.

Yes, I admit when I shop at Wal-mart and see the obese people with loads of crap in their carts, or using the motorized scooters because they don't want to walk the store to buy their crap I get upset, but not because they disgust me, but because I want so badly to reach out and tell them there is another way... Let me tell you, I voiced that opinion here once and the thread was locked because I hurt so many peoples feeling...by feeling bad for obese people...feeling bad for what I once was... So, that's all I'll say, because I wrote a post previously, and deleted it because it was not real nicey-nice, and I have made a vow recently here at 3FC to be nicey-nice. ;)

You know, I think at heart you are just figuring out how to relate to others who still have a problem that you HATED having and want NEVER to have again. I think it's coming out in ways that are confused at first, and I don't doubt that your feelings will evolve and you'll figure it out. I think it's kind of a way of more solidly identifying yourself with your new lifestyle - but you can come up with other ways to do that.

You don't have much control over feelings at the moment they come up. But you do have control over future feelings via the choices you make. When you have those feelings, you can choose instead to remember what it was like for you, *before* you changed your eating. You can choose to redirect your disgust at the cheap and heavily advertised junk food. You can choose to imagine it was your own daughter who was so unhealthy - would you find it as easy to be disgusted by her? Maybe the disgust at her eating is masking some other difficult feelings you have with your mother. Just some ideas.

I feel the same way when I see overweight people at the store and I feel bad because I am not small at all and I never have been and I think WHY ARENT THEY DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT!?! It would hurt my feelings if someone was looking at me in disgust or if I knew they were even thinking about me in a disgusting kinda way. When I see people eat and eat unhealthy it just makes me wana say something to try and help them but they gotta realize on their own. I don't think your mean at all just more aware now!

I think Kaplods is making a lot of sense, as usual.

For thousands of years, it was in our best interest to gorge on sugar/fat when it was available, to protect us in lean times. It's only been very recently (and not everywhere in the world, even now) that we are faced with a surfeit of these foods.

I used to diet, restrict, binge. I'd eat one cookie or cracker and just stuff my face with the entire sleeve, hating myself, how I felt the whole time. I felt like a weak and out of control loser.

This time, I have thought hard that my body wants one thing - to live. The same adrenaline that zings through you in crisis, is just a hint of the power of the human body to stay living.

I don't fight my body anymore, I understand that when I eat a muffin and want more and more, it's the exact same feeling that my primitive ancestor felt when they found a hive of honey. If the guys brought home a big mammoth, do you think my ancestor said "no, go ahead, I'll just nibble this root" oh no, she cracked the bones and sucked the marrows, because who knew when there would be food again.

So, weight loss is hard because we're surrounded by a society that glorifies the worst possible foods. Weight loss is also hard because some bodies (like mine) are hard wired to react to certain foods with "more more more more more" It's also hard because food can be comfort. Not to mention social situations where so many of us women are raised that we just cant say "no" to Aunt Betty's coffee cake, she made it for us, special!

I always thought I had a problem with food. I was a secret eater and binger. Turns out I just had a problem with some foods. Eliminating sugary/white carby foods has been a relevation.

But - all of this, the planning, the giving up some foods, the finding other things to comfort us - it really is hard. If weight loss were easy, there'd be a lot less fat people. How can I be contemptous or disgusted with people who were just like me? I understand it's hard and not easy. If you had seen me at 200 lbs with my sad too tight jeans and limp hair, eatin my scone and grande venti caramel latte with whip, would you have been disgusted? I used to be afraid of that, that I was disgusting. At 200+ lbs, do you think people might find you disgusting (obviously, they can't see your current healthy choices), how would you feel, knowing someone thought you were gross.

Like Lori, I always want to reach out and help, but I understand that each person has their own timetable, you can't want it for them, you can't do it for them. And they have to be ready, themselves. It is a personal journey and it is deeply individual. So, yeah, I kind of fall on the side that you're kind of a bad person for finding fat people (including your own mother) disgusting. Hopefully, you can work on your feelings to accept them as people, everyone has faults. A fat person might have many faults, but sadly being fat is visible not hidden like so many human faults.

I know I'm going in a bit of a different direction than this discussion is in, but the one thing that really makes me mad is seeing morbidly overweight children. Not mad at the kids, but at their parents. :mad:

I wonder to they realize that they are causing lifelong eating/weight problems for their child and may very well be shortening their life span?

I agree with the others, though, I think you're more frustrated than disgusted. :smug: And thats okay. :)

Thank you all for your repsonses...

I would just like to point out the difference between an opinion and a feeling. The statement was made that my feelings toward my mother are "unacceptable" and also I see that a lot of people misunderstood and think that my opinions are negative on overweight people. Keep in mind that I myself am an overweight person and my opinion is that weight struggles are very much emotional and hard to handle. I don't look down on overweight people...

Feelings are totally different and usually don't withstand comparisons to social norms. Feelings are not within our control until we determine what it is that makes us feel a certain way...which is really what I've set out to do and will be more capable of doing thanks to all the wonderful support and advice here. If my OPINION was that fat people are gross and disgusting and unworthy, I would be perfectly fine with feeling so negatively towards my mom. That's not my opinion though, at all, which causes me to wonder, why do I FEEL this way?? I'm overweight myself...I self loathe and beat myself up (like most of us...) and I know how bad it feels to be judged. I struggle not to judge other, but we all do occasionally. I just wish I could be more sympathetic to my mom. Our weight issues seem to be pretty different though, so it might be that we are simply coming from different places. I just wish she would try.

Sometimes I feel like I'm struggling to be a good person (losing weight, making smarter choices financially and in relationships, bettering myself) in the midst of a family that just plain doesn't care and that makes me anxious and resentful. I do get frustrated with my mom...she doesn't seem to want to get on the right track and I don't understand that. I wish I could understand...I really do.

Thanks again everyone for your support...and I did know when I posted that I would not necessarily get hugs and love and endless gentle advice. I kind of expected some not so gentle responses and some criticism. And I can handle that, maybe I deserve it. But I'm glad that I posted and I respect and appreciate each of your thoughts and opinions. Wish me luck...I hope to learn to be a better person in this aspect and control my feelings towards my mom and other overweight people in my life.

I can understand where you are coming from. I remember when I was a teenager, I dealt with depression and anxiety attacks pretty bad. Over the years, I learned to control them. Then, my sister started to get them... and while I was sympathetic, at the same time, I found myself resenting her. It made no sense to me at the time, and I hated myself for feeling that way, because if anyone should have been able to understand, it was me. I struggled with those feelings for a few years.

I realize now, in hindsight, it's because she was basically a representation of the things I resented about myself. I had my own demons, and when she was fighting the same demons, it was like I was looking at myself. I was angry with myself, and was projecting that onto her.

Feelings and emotions aren't always what we want them to be. Sometimes we have emotional reactions that we are embarrassed about. The key is to analyze them, figure out where they are coming from, and work to correct that. Even negatives can be turned into positives.

I find myself disliking things in others that I dislike in myself. <Insert mirror analogy here> What I REALLY dislike is the habits that kept me obese for so many years NOT the person displaying those habits. When I think about it, a big part of the disdain is knowing that those habits are still part of me and lurk just below the surface. Realizing where my feelings are coming from is my key to dealing with them.

I believe strongly that we aren't defined by our thoughts or feelings. Our actions are the true measure of who we are. How I act towards anyone should not be dictated by my own inner conflicts. If my treatment of a person is based on my own problems then I have wronged that person. Remember what we feel or think is temporary but are actions are permanent!

Mark

I realize now, in hindsight, it's because she was basically a representation of the things I resented about myself. I had my own demons, and when she was fighting the same demons, it was like I was looking at myself. I was angry with myself, and was projecting that onto her.

Feelings and emotions aren't always what we want them to be. Sometimes we have emotional reactions that we are embarrassed about. The key is to analyze them, figure out where they are coming from, and work to correct that. Even negatives can be turned into positives.

Quoted for truth.

My opinion is that feelings are just that...feelings. Sometimes we have feelings that we'd rather not have. Acting on them is another thing, of course, but the feeling itself is just there to be looked at and thought about. So I'd never think of you as a "bad person" for a feeling, unless it caused you to act in a way that was unkind.

ThicknPretty, I don't think you're a bad person at all. If you were, you would not be seeking advice on how to understand your negative feelings. I think that there isn't one person here who is perfectly in control of their feelings and we all have things that push our buttons. I have a father who smokes and I just hate that he smokes...I love him so much and I worry so much that...well....I don't even want to go there. I get angry at him because he knows I would be beyond devastated if something bad happened to him and why doesn't he love me enough to quit? But, he doesn't suffer from depression like your mother. Really, we're all lucky we were able to change our lives for the better, but not everyone does it...not everyone is that strong. When people are too weak to make a change for the better, it hurts everyone who loves them...sometimes, pain can manifest itself as anger, disgust, etc....we are so complex! I have no good advice...I just wanted to say that I appreciate your last post and I respect your willingness to share your true feelings.

One last thing...I can understand why some people here were so offended by all of this.....it hurts us all because we all feel that we have been judged for being overweight at one point or another. Maybe we can use this to understand why other people judge us?

A few people on here have commented on how our body is programmed to store fat because in the past that is how we survived. I totally agree. But I think that our bodies could never have been prepared for the exorbitant amount of unhealthy foods that we are bombarding it with.

In today's world as adults, we all know that it is bad to consume an unhealthy amount of fat - enough to where our bodies are storing more than we need to survive. So as adults we have to get to the root of the problem whether it be emotional, physiological, psychological, etc. so that we can change and live long, healthy lives. I guess what I am trying to say is that yes, if we consume a huge amount of bad foods our body takes it because that's what our body knows to do...but at the same time, we know that we shouldn't be consuming that stuff in the first place...we know it leads to horrendous health problems.

So why do we do it? That's what we have to figure out. So I totally see how anyone who has figured it out gets upset at loved ones that haven't figured it out...it's tough to see someone shortening their life on a daily basis...especially someone we care about so much.

I'm definitely starting to see that I'm more frustrated/disgusted with my moms behaviors than my mom as a person and that helps a lot...

One thing I've noticed about her is that she eats as if she starting tomorrow, food will cease to exist. What I mean by that is that she doesn't just...end up over eating, or sit down with a bag of chips and realize an hour later than she worked her way through the whole bag, it almost seems intentional...I know that's weird to say, but she will buy a bag of fun size candy bars and sit down and eat one after another, at a pretty fast rate, until they are gone...I don't understand that and it's kind of alarming. It seems as if she has an urgency to eat these things and I know that she's not even really tasting or enjoying them...

It would be ignorant of me to say that my mom does it "on purpose" and I know she's unhappy with her weight. I think I mentioned earlier that I think my mom and I have different weight issues and that's why it's hard for me to relate to/empathize with her...

Does anyone understand what I'm saying about the way she eats??? Is it odd that I even noticed that? Can anyone relate to that or know why that is?

And thanks again everyone...

I think I know exactly "what it is," and I think if you read some of the books I mentioned, you may too. I would start with "The end of overeating," it really explains the urge to eat past the point of all reason, quite well.

It's common in our culture to look at obesity as a "psychological" or even moral problem much more than a physiological one. I think the reverse is true. I think it's physiological, more than mental/emotional/moral. And the "answer" for most people isn't simple willpower - it's changing your environment so that you don't need willpower. You have to understand what refined carbs and fat/sugar/salt combination foods do to the brain and body - why the cycle occurs and what a person can do to break it.

I think "The End of Overeating" explains that cycle very well - so do some of the books on glycemic index and insulin resistance diets.

I can relate, in a different way. I'm a lesbian, and I feel myself disgusted by fat butch women who look like they put no care in their appearance at all. But a lot of lesbians are perfectly content with being overweight, and butch women WANT to look that way, so... I am passing judgment on these people who aren't even unhappy with themselves. There is NOTHING wrong with being more masculine in appearance, or even with being overweight, but I think for me my disgust might stem from internal frustration that I am projecting onto them.

I've always been attracted to very girly-girls, girls who wear makeup (especially eye makeup) and have pretty long hair and like shopping and cute clothes, etc.. Moreover, I'm not attracted to overweight girls (a little cute cherub-like pudge is okay, like baby fat, but I don't find fat girls attractive, usually). But I feel like I have such a hard time finding this within my own community, because it seems most lesbians are overweight and there are not a lot of very feminine lesbians, even though I seem to find non-overweight, feminine straight girls EVERYWHERE.

I think part of it is taking the easy way out. I think that's why a lot (but not all) of bi girls end up with men in the end, because it's just so much easier to deal with in our society. Well, I don't like men. A piece of me wished I DID like men so I wouldn't have to deal with any of it anymore. I was jealous of the bi girls who could CHOOSE to be with men to not have to deal with being a lesbian, when I had no choice, imprisoned by my own desires. So I felt like the easiest way to be "free of it" would be to be a straight girl on the outside, lesbian on the inside. A lot of straight guys find the stereotypical overweight butch disgusting, and I think a lot of my fear has stemmed from this, from the thought of having other people look at me and think this way about me, because I have always based my own self-worth on how others feel about me (which is NOT GOOD, I know!) so if I looked like that stereotype, I felt like that would make me unattractive because society has deemed it so. I felt like if I didn't look in a way that would make straight men find me attractive, I was ugly.

So I began running away from the stereotype. I started paying attention to how I dress, I started to wear makeup, and then even started losing weight (I lost weight for a variety of reasons but one of them was definitely to look more like a normal straight girl). I do certainly feel a LOT more comfortable this way, though I'm not sure if it's because it reflects the inner me, or because I don't have to deal with looking like a lesbian (and being judged as such). I think for me, a lot of my own disgust towards butch women is a reflection of my own feelings of self-worth. It's not fair at all, and I feel badly about it, so it's just a demon that I have to face.

So yes, in a way, I understand how you feel. I feel guilty on passing this kind of judgment on other lesbians (honestly, who am I to judge!) and I've been trying to dig deep inside and that's how I realized that a lot of my disgust towards them is because of my OWN fear of being like them because I am so afraid of being judged negatively by others. I think for you, you are probably seeing these overweight people and feeling frustration because you knew that you used to be like them, and perhaps at the time felt unable to do anything about your weight, just like they feel now, so you start to feel annoyed because they are a reflection of what you used to be, and it forces you to see yourself (at least the old you!) in a new light. I think it's a very human emotion and the best way to conquer it might be to remind yourself that you ARE different now and the demons that may have haunted you in the past are quickly fading now. Who you were then has no bearing on who you are now. You are YOU and those overweight loved ones are THEM, and they might be in a different stage in their life now than you are now, but all you can really do is love and accept them for who they are and try to show them that it IS possible to change, so that maybe they too might one day be able to successfully lose weight too.

Wow, this got really long... I apologize for that.

Kap - I think I will read that book too, thanks for the tip :)

Meg-Thanks so much for your response. It was cool that you were able to relate to me, even from a completely different situation. And I think you are right (and others who have mentioned the same theory)...that I am more disgusted with that reflection of myself than anything...

Kap-I'm going to read those books, for sure. My mom and I actually had a long...discussion last night and I found myself thinking about some of the things you said. Unfortunately, she and I have a really difficult time just talking without fighting and I wasn't able to make her understand my concern...she almost seems okay with the choices she's making (food and otherwise) and that's hard for me to accept because I feel like so many of them are harmful.

Mathgirl-Thank you, too, for being able to understand my perspective. And you're right...I can understand why some on this site would be sensitive to what I said initially...no one likes to be judged, including myself, and I think as overweight people, we tend to be pretty protective of each other. And I'm definitely sympathetic to the weight struggle...I'm just really trying to get a handle on these overwhelming negative feelings.

Thanks everyone! I really love this site more every day...

I believe alot of that comes from losing weight. Honestly, if you think about it, once we become more aware of healthy eating habits, diseases that can kill you for being overweight, how fat affects every part of your life, you are more apt to feel that disgust towards others, especially that you care about. You don't want them to end up like those stories you have read on the internet and in the news.

I think we can also look at this in a psychological sort of way, your disgusted by those people because you realized that they were you at one point. You see these larger people scarfing down fast food and wearing nothing but spandex and purposely riding around in scooters at places like Wal-mart and K-mart etc, and it just disgusts you that, at one point in your life, that could have been you. But now that we made the choice to change, we find it so sad and even disgusting that others live their lives as lazily as possible.

I think it makes us more aware of how sad our world is coming to when we realize that our countries are purposely making things easier on us, which is then allowing us to become overweight more easier.

It disgusts us that its actually harder to lose the weight then to gain it.

I know it's very common for people who are "reborn" - stopped smoking, or recovering alcoholics and so on - to become, at least for a while, much more intolerant toward those who havent' yet "seen the light". Even in religion, new converts (to any religion) are often more fanatical than the people who were born to it and thus have more of the missionary urge.

Thicknpretty,
I too understand where you're coming from. Though not necessarily with all people just extremely overweight people. I haven't hit my goal yet and am still what most people would consider a big girl, but sometimes I just see people and am like "Oh wow..." before looking down at my legs and pulling at my shirt to make sure its not doing what chick overthere's outfit is doing. Anyways, I don't think you're alone. Re the overweight guy, honestly, I refuse to date "fat" guys. Atleast guys in the fat out of shape sense. Overweight guys in the "I'm a college lineman sense"? Sure. Have and would continue to if the right guy came along. I think mine has to do with activity level. I can deal with a fit overweight guy, as that's how I see myself but total couch potatoes? Not a chance. i guess with the dating deal, its all a matter of preference and if you're not into that, then don't date him. On the people on the street side, we need to control feelings and give them the botd because if other people are noticing someone's fat, you can bet they already know and just haven't done anything yet. I'm sorry if this makes no sense but reader's digest version: you're not alone.

I completely relate to that feeling of anger and disgust towards your mother! My mom has been about 150 pounds overweight or more as long as I can remember, and my abusive father always drilled it into our heads that we didn't want to "end up like mom." Unfortunately, that wasn't the right approach, and my two sisters and I ALL eventually ended up obese, just like her. I think there is a lot of anger toward her for not choosing to improve herself for the sake of her children. She didn't care enough to set a good example for us, and that, coupled with the fact she never rescued us from an abusive father, breeds a LOT of resentment.

The only thing I can do, myself, is lead HER by example. I am making excellent choices, setting a good example for my two boys, and though I may never be as skinny as I would like, I will be as healthy as possible from this day forward. I keep her appraised of all of my success, and I hope she will feel inspired by it.

In regards to the young man in question, I was completely turned off by my husband when I first met him because he was overweight. Isn't that awful? But as time went on and we came to be friends, I found myself attracted to him. Our food choices has him at only 15 pounds overweight now, and he's the sexiest thing on earth, lol.

Sonata, thanks for being able to relate and sharing your experiences...

And thanks everyone else for weighing in and being so honest with me. One thing I'm trying to do now is just ACT more positive towards my mom...even if I don't feel all that great about how she's living her life. I found that by acting more positive (even if fake), it's slowly making me feel more positive. I still wish she would make some healthy changes in her life and that she could show that she cares about her family by caring for herself...I honestly don't know if she will ever get to that point. She seems pretty dead set in her ways and totally satisfied with the way she is (I know that might be a front...but it's convincing and it's carrying her through each year, gaining more and more weight and ruining her health and her body, so)

Thanks again...hopefully I can learn to change my attitude when I can't change the person...

You know, for a long time I felt the same way you do with feeling disgusted by it. I automatically assumed that these people were lazy, unclean, and just all around disgusting.

It took me a long time to realize... that only a select few are honestly like that, and I looked at them that way because of my oldest brother (Who happens to fit in that category of lazy, unclean, and terribly disgusting).

I noticed that my feelings about this changed when I began to have more chubby/overweight friends and acquaintances, and how many of them were unhappy with that fact and were/had/ and still trying to change. Some were even trying a lot harder than I was (or am?) and then it really started to hit me.

I had one friend in particular... That I don't believe was her fault. She has to be around 400 some odd pounds... and she had always been very obese. From the time she was in preschool, throughout elementary, and then to when I met her in high school. A lot of it was because of her mothers influence and the family trials she was always around. She followed by example and by the time someone told her that it wasn't acceptable... She felt she was to the point of no return (And I don't/didn't know how to help her.)


As far as the guy you've met... Ever since I started to watch the biggest loser... It doesn't matter if they are fat to me. They have so much more of a pure personality. If you can see all of those wonderful points in his personality.. You can learn to love his appearance as well! And, if you're able to help him lose weight he might just turn into an even more attractive guy :). Since a lot that lose weight usually do from what I've seen.

One of my favorite quotes that I saw in someones signature on here is from Michelangelo: I saw the angel in the marble and I chiseled until I set her free.

I think everyone is like this. You might need to stair into the marble a little longer to find that angel, but it's there.

So don't feel bad! Push forward and I think you'll figure something out that will work best for you.

I love that quote :)

ThicknPretty, I'm going to go in a different direction with advice re the overweight guy. I say date him and give him a chance. I can tell you that the two greatest loves of my life were both men to whom I felt no initial attraction, but as our time together unfolded, the attractions could not have been stronger. It may be that your feelings never change, but on the other hand, you may be most pleasantly surprised. :)

Don't be too hard on yourself for your feelings of disgust toward others who are overweight. Personally, I think those are just externalized feelings of self-loathing. Now that you are actively taking steps to improve your health, you watch others engaging in behaviors that you yourself used to engage in -- and you can see with no illusions how self-destructive it is. Maybe it will help to distinguish between disliking the behaviors and disliking the person...? kaplods has said it best. :)

I agree with every bit of this.
To add even more...I think you should give the guy a chance,because at some point in your life,there was a guy that missed out on the wonderfulness of you,because your weight turned him off.now that you have lost it,that guy has lost out on the wonderfulness of you on the inside andoutside.
Good guys are hard to find,and who knows...your healthy lifestyle may just inspire him to join you in it.and if not,just remember looks fade anyway,but character is permanent.:hug:

I think it's important to keep in mind that being overweight IS unhealthy. It is good that you don't accept your mother's seeming complacency to be overweight (at 150 pounds overweight, she's probably morbidly obese).

One of the things my mother did wrong, though, when she recognized that I was getting unhealthily fat, was to express her negativity, well, negatively.

Don't pretend your mother is OK. Don't pretend it's all right for her to eat that much. HELP HER. Losing weight will add years to her life. Sit her down and tell her that you love her, that you want her around as long as possible, and that you want to see her happy and healthy. I suffer from depression and though I take medication, I still see symptoms sometime. As I have been losing weight, eating right, and especially exercising, I notice that I no longer have those symptoms. When I lose another 20 pounds, I am going to ask my psychiatrist to lower my dosage and see what happened. Exercise is a great help for depression, and eating poorly majorly increases depression.

From someone who has been depressed, obese, and eating cereal at midnight--you may not realize that your mother might be disgusted with herself as well. But with each spoonful you are more disgusted, so you eat another so that the delicious taste makes you feel better. It's one step forward, two steps back, but you keep eating and thinking those steps forward will make you happy. In the end, you're stuffed and feel sick and miserable. Eating sugar before bed also lessens the quality of your sleep, and if your mother isn't getting a good night's rest, that can affect weight, too.

To sum up, my advice would be: don't feel bad about being disgusted. Feel bad if you express that disgust in a way that only hurts, and doesn't help. Help her get better.

Oh, whoops! This is a pretty old thread, isn't it?

Your not the first person to resurrect it, so it's okay ;)

It happens from time to time, hehe.