Weight Loss Surgery - upset and venting




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waelmiee
11-08-2009, 05:45 PM
Hi everyone,

I've (i'm sure like a few of us) always struggled with my weight and now is not much different than 15 years ago. the only real difference now is that my husband does not like it and it is a strain on our marriage. When we were first dating i knew he wasnt happy with my then 200 LBS but now i am 250 and it's getting worse. the more we argue about it the more i dont eat in front of him just to sneak and eat later. He is an athletic guy enjoys running and soccer..the whole nine yards. He just cant understand nor get it through his head that at least not now i cant run with him. To be honest i'm embaressed not just in front of him but the other joggers as well. I dont want him comparing me to the others (like i would). Ok i guess i should get to my point...point is that ive decided after speaking to my Dr.to get the lapband. i meet the critera and my insurance will thankfully cover it. So anyway he was supporting me in my decision and just as excited as i was untill he found out that i'm (to save having an arguement) at 240 instead of being honest with him and telling him my true weight. Now he says that nothing wil work for me and i just dont want to be thinner that i must be happy fat. and also that he dosent want to hear one thing about my surgury because NOTHING will work for me.I should add that he wasnt upset about the lie...only the weight. I know that he isnt 100% wrong he's right that i'm not putting forth as much effort as i could be.... but thanks anyway for letting me vent.


Bunnababy
11-08-2009, 06:55 PM
You have a lot going on. :hug:

Good luck with your surgery. My insurance won't even cover a dr. appt. if we talk about obesity. :mad:

Leenie
11-08-2009, 07:39 PM
Hi Waelmiee,

I'm sorry your having such a hard time with your DH... its tough enough battling weight by yourself. I know when I had my psych evaluation one of the questions they asked me was if my DH supported this decision (which he did) and did he support me. I wonder if they would have approved me if I had said no. Maybe some counseling is needed before your surgery, after all, your going to need all the support you can get and if its not from your DH then who? No sense starting this journey off on the wrong foot.

Good luck hon :hug:

Leenie


jillybean720
11-09-2009, 06:49 AM
I'm sorry you're going through so much!

I honestly believe the best first step might be to seek some couples counseling. You really need him to support you in this (or any major life event, weight-related or not), and he clearly has some deep-seated issues with weight and obesity that are making him so negative toward you. Any WLS, even the "least invasive" band, is a huge event and will have physical, physiological, and emotional impacts that you will need him to understand and support you through.

ladybugnessa
11-09-2009, 08:45 AM
I'm so sorry your husband is not supportive. Do you have a support group through your surgeon so that you can get the support you need?

I hope your husband comes around.

RN BSN 2009
11-09-2009, 09:14 AM
Hello wael

Yes---this non-support issue needs to be taken care of soon. What I am seeing you write is practically verbal abuse. This will NOT get better if you lose weight.

Ok so let's say you lose the weight, then he will just put you down, sending you into an emotional downturn that makes you stuff yourself all over again?
Please consider counseling. This is bad energy.

waelmiee
11-09-2009, 10:26 AM
I just logged on and read all of the replies and I just wanted to say Thank You.
I donít have ANYONE to talk to about this or anything else but thatís my fault I donít want to bring my family and friends into this because first I donít want them to think badly of him and second if he found out I was talking about ďprivate family mattersĒ it would cause a lot of problems. I've mentioned seeing a counselor but in his culture that is UNHEARD of and a disgrace. Other than wishing that I could wear thigh high boots when I was in my 20ís my weight has never been such a huge distress for me. In August I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and according to him and his Mother it was strictly because of my weight. I was heavy when I had my first daughter in 2000 and she was born healthy beautiful and smart. Both I and my OBGYN told him that it happens it was cellular and possibly because of my RH negative blood. But they still wonít let it go. It is hard enough dealing with the loss and then on top of it have to feel guilty and defensive. Here I go again.. itís just that Iíve been waiting along time to get this off of my chest.

annie175
11-09-2009, 10:58 AM
Also do this for YOU not him.

ubergirl
11-09-2009, 11:10 AM
I just logged on and read all of the replies and I just wanted to say Thank You.
I donít have ANYONE to talk to about this or anything else but thatís my fault I donít want to bring my family and friends into this because first I donít want them to think badly of him and second if he found out I was talking about ďprivate family mattersĒ it would cause a lot of problems. I've mentioned seeing a counselor but in his culture that is UNHEARD of and a disgrace. Other than wishing that I could wear thigh high boots when I was in my 20ís my weight has never been such a huge distress for me. In August I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and according to him and his Mother it was strictly because of my weight. I was heavy when I had my first daughter in 2000 and she was born healthy beautiful and smart. Both I and my OBGYN told him that it happens it was cellular and possibly because of my RH negative blood. But they still wonít let it go. It is hard enough dealing with the loss and then on top of it have to feel guilty and defensive. Here I go again.. itís just that Iíve been waiting along time to get this off of my chest.

Yes, yes! Definitely get counseling, and if there are cultural issues between you it is really important to address it in a way that respects your culture and his culture-- not just his (speaking from experience here...)

Do not try to fix the problems between you and him by getting surgery. You should only have surgery if its something you want to do yourself.

jiffypop
11-09-2009, 12:43 PM
See the line that ubergirl wrote:

Do not try to fix the problems between you and him by getting surgery. You should only have surgery if its something you want to do yourself.

this is SOO important - and from your writing, it sounds like you're being somewhat isolated and restricted from your friends and family [and i really hope i'm just reading too much into your postings!].

over and above everything that everyone said [and i agree with them], there's also the fact that WLS changes our relationships - because we literally swallow a lot of emotions with our food, and WLS really limits our ability to eat, we have to figure out a different way to relate to our emotions.

and it sounds like there's a lot of emotion swallowing going on in your house!

counseling for YOU at the very least would be a good idea - if hubby goes with you, so much the better. but counseling for you is essential, IMO.

:hug:

annie175
11-09-2009, 12:46 PM
Well put Jiffy.

worthylady
11-15-2009, 07:48 PM
Waelmiee, it sounds like you have a lot to consider before deciding to go through WLS. I agree with the others that counseling is probably in order. I also think that if your husban is unwilling to go through marital counseling that you go for yourself bc you will need to find a new means to deal with problems other than food. I think preparing yourself mentally will certainly be an advantage and will prepare to discuss your concerns with your husband. Your husband may be willing to give advice or become a work out partner if you all can reach an agreement. Be blessed!

KforKitty
11-16-2009, 10:09 AM
Why does your husband think 'nothing will work' just because, if I'm reading this right, you're 20lb heavier than he thought. Look at my stats. I was 30lbs heavier than you are and I'm guessing several years older. That was in May 2007. Now I'm 125lbs lighter. There's many others on this board who've succeeded who probably thought at times themselves that 'nothing will work'. If you have surgery or start any weightloss plan with the attitute that 'nothing will work' then it will be a self-fulfulling prophesy.

It will only work if you go into it fully committed and fully supported by your husband. Can he not see that his attitude is the biggest barrier to you in your weightloss journey.

:hug:

Kitty

D22Guzman
11-16-2009, 01:06 PM
:hug: Waelmiee,

I am so sorry to hear this I am not sadden for you but for what your going through since i've going through the exact same thing my husband is also very atheletic he actually is a coach for a soccer league and runs every afternoon he calls me worthless pig everyday and i do the same thing you do I have never in my life ate with my family in the table there is actually no chair for me, I am more of a servant to my husband. So the day I started working out he laughed at me and when I started losing weight he told me why i did it if there was no change he also says that my cheeks are so big my eyes are hiding and so and so on. Well my point is dont listen to his idiotic thoughts or statements that actually should be your motivation...to tell you the truth he is my motivation because everytime I am doing my workout i am cussing him out and telling myself that I am going to prove him wrong.:D MUCH LOVE TO YOU

goodforme
11-16-2009, 01:33 PM
To those of us who have (how to put this delicately??) less than sensitive husbands:

Have you ever thought that by belittling your appearance your husbands are keeping you right where they want you? Down there somewhere under their thumbs, where they can feel superior to you.

What happens if you DO succeed? When you lose weight you might suddenly find yourself losing approximately 200 pounds of headache, heartache, in divorce court.

Just a thought. . .

Your weight and weight loss is such an individual thing, it really has nothing whatsoever to do with what your husbands may think about your appearance. If you want to change yourself, for your own health and happiness, then find the strength within yourself and do whatever it takes to accomplish your goal.

Your men will adjust. Good luck!

beerab
11-16-2009, 01:46 PM
What happens if you DO succeed? When you lose weight you might suddenly find yourself losing approximately 200 pounds of headache, heartache, in divorce court.

I agree- to have the person who is supposed to be partner in life treat you that way, call you fat, say you can't do anything, etc, well, that seems like maybe they really aren't the right person- not even wanting to get counseling- I mean what are you to do then? Take the abuse forever?

I guess since your hubby won't get counseling you CAN sit him down and say you really want to lose weight but the way he's talking to you is making things worse- and ask him for support. Do it at a time you are both alone, possibly after dinner, and just ask him to listen while you talk. If he starts to get mad and irate tell him that you won't speak to him if he won't listen and walk away.

You say you haven't really tried- so maybe instead of going gun ho for the surgery why not develop a workout routine and diet with your husband? Not something crazy- but change up the diet with his help- and then pick a workout you CAN follow and really try this time around- I bet if you follow the plan for a weeks (and really follow it) and he sees a difference he'll turn around and start being supportive.

And if you do lose the weight and he's not supportive then I know this is blunt- but I'd reconsider your marriage. If my husband ever called me fat or pig or said I can't do something he'd regret it. I know that's easier said than done but really you can't sit back and take abuse forever- would you want your daughter treated that way by her husband?

kaplods
11-16-2009, 04:02 PM
why not develop a workout routine and diet with your husband? Not something crazy- but change up the diet with his help- and then pick a workout you CAN follow and really try this time around- I bet if you follow the plan for a weeks (and really follow it) and he sees a difference he'll turn around and start being supportive.

I would avoid this at all costs, unless you're prepared for more criticism. Even with the most supportive husband on the planet, involving him in developing and participating in your diet and workout routine is a recipe for disaster, in my opinion. Even you developing it and giving it to him in a written form to review, so he's on the same page - also not likely to be very successful.

Men like to take charge and fix things (not all men, but a lot of them). That your husband is already being so intensely critical, I don't see him being able to support you.

Say for example you do manage to stick to your plan without deviation, you're going to feel your husband breathing down your neck about it. If you make the tiniest slip, and he notices (and God forbid starts to criticize) you're going to feel like crap. If you stick to it perfectly and he is still critical or doesn't notice, you're still going to feel like crap.

Your plan should be yours, and he should know as little about it or as much as you feel comfortable sharing knowing that his response could be supportive or critical. You need to be happy with your plan, and your behavior and progress REGARDLESS of his reaction. If you would be crushed by him pointing out that you ate a half an apple more than was on your plan -or exercised 10 minutes less than was in your plan - then definitely do not don't share the specifics with him.

Leenie
11-16-2009, 04:43 PM
You ladies with husbands or boyfriends that belittle you... all I can say is you deserve so much better, you are beautiful inside and out, don't you EVER forget that.

I just can't stand hearing stories like these...it really breaks my heart. A husband should be your partner, your soul mate, some one who lifts you (spiritually) and no matter what they should never treat you like you are less of a person b/c of your weight or any reason. Bullies pick of people who they think are weaker then them.. but what they don't realize is meekness is not weakness.

So please, do this for yourself... you deserve to be happy.

Hugs and kisses to you all :hug:

beerab
11-16-2009, 06:15 PM
The OP herself has said she hasn't put forth as much effort as she should and since her husband's refusing counseling and I'm 99% sure she probably will not leave him due to cultural issues and backlash (and I work with a lot of women in bad relationships giving them counseling).

I made this suggestion for her to show her husband she really is going to do something about it. Even if she just talks to him and says that she is sorry she lied about her weight BUT she really is going to do something about it and wants his support and to give her time to show him her dedication, then at least that's something.

I'm sure his reactions (as wrong as I think they are) are because he has no idea how to communicate with her or has any realization about what she's going through. But he does know she hasn't really put forth much effort (by her own admission) and he is tired of being supportive with no results I am sure. Again I am not justifying his actions in any way- just offering my opinion on something that might help her situation.

Either way she knows her husband best and knows what would work for her. Get the surgery for you- but I think you should also go to counseling on your own, for your own benefit. I've known many women who have gotten counseling seperate from their spouse and found it has done them a world of good.

Please give us an update- good luck!

carrie77
11-16-2009, 07:30 PM
I'm so sorry for what you are going through :( I don't know your whole situation and am not going to say you are being abused because I don't know you but I would like to say this in general.

Verbal/emotional abuse is just as poisonous and dangerous and physical abuse. Nobody would say to a woman who was getting beat up to stay and try to work it out. If you are being verbally abused by your partner, staying doesn't make you a "good" person. Sadly, the person who is being emotionally and/or verbally abused generally doesn't realize the extent it affects their core and their person until they are out of the situation and attempt to pick up the pieces.

This was my experience. It took me almost 2 yrs after leaving this type of relationship to really begin believing in myself again. It's part of why my weight became so out of control. I believed everything he said to me.

Thighs Be Gone
11-16-2009, 07:48 PM
First off--personally, I absolutely at a bare minimum MUST be comfortable in my own home. It was and still is my true refuge. I cannot imagine living in an environment 24/7 walking on egg shells, feeling ashamed and embarrassed or whatever. Have you tried telling him how truly damaging his comments and lack of support are? Does he know the more he comments, the more you will eat?

I don't understand why he cares about you lying about your weight. Most women do that--to themselves and to others. I guess it's like the age thing. But really--who cares.

When I complained about my weight (and it was for years) my hubby's standard response was, "I will help you in any way I can." Well, I finally took him up on that offer and continue to, to this day. Maybe ask your hubby for the same? His willingness to do WHATEVER it takes to get you to a better place--more fit, more healthy, happier with way you move and look.

After all, if you were drowning would he swim away or would he stop to help you get ashore?

Thighs Be Gone
11-16-2009, 07:51 PM
You know what you do? You start your journey--however you are gonna do it. SWIM LIKE **** GIRL! Turn yourself into a total HAWTTIE and shake it like a salt shakah. In my honest opinion, if he isn't there for you at your worst, why do you want him there at your best?

Sorry, I am opinionated tonight.

KO
11-16-2009, 08:00 PM
Amen Leens!
Wae do it for you

TamiL
11-17-2009, 04:11 AM
Have to be blunt but the word "DIVORCE" sounds really good here. I couldn't live with someone who constantly belittled me and then blamed me for a miscarriage.....Maybe just plain ole defective sperm was at work there.

You are worth so much more than this sweetie! Do this for yourself and take care of yourself along the way. Life is too short to surround ourselves with jerks.

kaplods
11-19-2009, 01:34 AM
Even a well-meaning person can be discouraging without intending to, involving an already discouraging person into your food or exercise plan is%

Pazazz
11-21-2009, 01:05 AM
Do it for yourself and drop the bum! If he really loved you he would stand with you not in front of you!

I had a supportive at first wife and the deep hurt in me caused by her not standing by my side has killed my marriage. She told me 4 hours after surgery that I would get thin and leave her. Well she was right! ONLY BECAUSE SHE DID NOT SUPPORT ME after the surgery. I started my journey at 440 lbs and it was life or death. I begged for over 2.5 years for her to go with me to support group meetings, do things activley together and the more I asked for my 50% of the marriage to support me the more she pushed me away. Well now after lossing 227 lbs and being very active I dont have time for her bs anymore. I need to live my life for me and someone should love me for whom I am. She chose not to accompany me in my journey. I am mentally hurt deeply from this and have chosen to find someone that WANTS TO BE MY PARTNER. Our life together was good but my issues needed to be dealt with as me being first in my life and taking a back seat to nobody. I am by far not a selfish person. I have a huge heart and still lover her as a person but she can not be my backbone to lean on when I need and still need it. I have found someone that is active lots in common and has a heart of GOLD. Bottom line is a marriage is 50/50 anything less in not acceptible. I bent like a stick for over the last 2.5 years and now the stick is broken and can not be repaired even after 8 sessions of marriage counseling. Sorry my story is not the happiest but is the truth. Smile and love yourself.

Leenie
11-21-2009, 10:27 AM
Right On Mike !!!!

giselley
11-21-2009, 01:18 PM
So basically, he is suffering from buyers remorse? Now? He got you at 200 15 years ago and now is pissed off because you are 240? He Knew he was getting a woman of your size and wanted you to morph into some other form to satisfy him? What can I say, when you look at it the way I just said it, he seems like a dirtbag. Since you are married, I assume you love him. It could be that you should go to a marriage councellor and both give up what you are hiding from each other. Maybe that will help.