100 lb. Club - Moving on and getting out there

I am wondering if there are others out there like me. I really struggle with going out socializing and just plain being comfortable in social situations. I think this has to do with the fact that at my highest weight I met some pretty rude, cruel, angry (etc.) people. Many were strangers and unfortunately so many others were not. I have always felt like people were staring at me or judging me for my weight. Even though I am on the journey to getting healthy, I really struggle with this because I don’t want to be the person saying “no” all the time.

What’s made it even harder lately is that in the past few months I gained weight (40lbs) and it really has been a blow to my self-esteem. I basically want to hide from everyone because I’m embarrassed that I let this happen. I am back on track and I’m losing again, but I still feel so ashamed. It’s the worst to put on my jacket from last year and not be able to zip it (and I have to wear this jacket everyday, can't buy a new one). I have already had THREE family members make some very hurtful comments to me about the gain and it makes me want to crawl into a hole. Lately, it’s a struggle for me everyday to remember how far I’ve come and not shrink back from everything. It’s just tough realizing that though my family loves me, they’ve sent me a clear message they like me a lot better when I’m thinner.

People treat me so differently when I’m smaller. I don’t want to be that bitter person that blames everyone else for not accepting me unconditionally. I’m not sure how to deal with this especially when I feel so rejected. So, that's my little pity party for today... if you don't mind.

I guess I want to know, how do I move past the shame/embarrassment?

I don't have an answer for your question, but I can sympathize. At my high weight I hid from the world as much as possible. I was completely invisible, and it was safe for me. Now that I'm so much smaller I'm much more visible to people, and that makes it a lot harder to hide from the world. Luckily, I've found that as I become more confident in my appearance, I want to hide a lot less.

I hope that the same proves true for you, though I think we have to do a lot of work to figure out why we gained the weight in the first place before we can get to that point. I'm sorry your family makes you feel bad; mine did the same thing, though I know they weren't purposely being hurtful. It still sucked!

I have no advice, as you can see. I hope you can find a way to focus on what you *have* accomplished, which is maintaining a significant loss, even though you've gained some back. You're back on the right path now, and that's the important thing. We don't fail until we give up completely.

I guess I want to know, how do I move past the shame/embarrassment?


Talk to yourself - tell yourself all the supportive things you wish you were hearing from your friends and family. Be your own best friend, and remember there are a lot of cruel, shallow, thoughtless people in the world, and also a lot of good people who sometimed do and say cruel, shallow and thoughtless things, but there are also a lot of good, caring, wonderful people out there too.

When you feel good about yourself, really - deep down, you see the negativity for what it is - a weak person's projections of their misery onto you. It says everthing about them, and nothing about you. When a stranger and even sometimes people closer say something nasty, it's much like a toddler throwing a tantrum and calling you "poopy head," and should be taken about as seriously.

You want to see something really funny, when someone says something nasty - whether it's a stranger or someone closer force a look of deep sympathy on your face and say like you would to a toddler, "I'm so sorry you're having such a bad day that you have to make such a thoughtless remark, is there anything I can do to make it better" (really lay on the sweet, "do you need me to kiss your booboo" tone).

Seriously though, DO talk to yourself. Treat yourself like you would your best friend if she were in your situation, and remind yourself that you do deserve to feel smart, and sweet and funny, and generous and all sorts of wonderful things (with or without the weight loss).

Oh, and about the jacket. If you can, consider checking out consignment and thrift shops, garage sales Craig's List and if you can't find anything or can't afford to buy used - consider freecycle. Check on yahoo groups to see if there's a group in your area you can ask if anyone has a jacket in your size to give away, and if you're able to get one, you can then give your jacket away the same way (Freecycle offers and requests must be free - people even give and ask for cars and computers, so a nice jacket should be pretty easy to come by).

I almost never find anything in my size in resale shops, and the last few weeks there's been tons and tons of really nice things in the plus sizes (probably the smaller sizes too, I just wasn't looking). I think people are clearing out their closets to make a little money (in the consignment shops) and are donating to the charity shops because they're more aware in the tough economy.

Last year, I bought a gorgeous London Fog short rain coat (I didn't even know London Fog made anything in a 4X/5X) in a church thrift shop for only $4. It looked like it had never been worn.

Look in the men's section too, because there's a lot of nice unisex styles - but also because things get miscategorized. Hubby found a long sleeve women's t-shirt (still had the Just My Size tags), exactly what I was looking for, in the men's section (for $2).

It's almost unheard of for me to find anything, let alone a half dozen things that fit and looked good. I ended up getting the long sleeved t-shirt, a thermal knit henley in a very pretty green, and two cotton crewneck cable sweaters. I was surprised that the cotton sweaters weren't acrylic, because they were so soft and warm - and all four tops looked like they were brand new. If they were ever worn, it couldn't have been more than once or twice, AND I spent less than $10 for everything. I almost bought two cardigans and a pretty fleece sweatshirt too, just on the principle that they fit, looked nice and were so cheap - but it really wasn't in the budget, so I'm hoping they're still there (or something just as nice) next paycheck.

That's a tough question to answer, mostly because I'm going through the same thing myself.

I've been overweight pretty much all my life, and I've always struggled with things like, "Why can't people just accept me for who I am?" I recall my dad saying, "You know, if you just lose some weight you'll be really foxy." Which, I realize now that he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. He's my dad, he loves me as I am already... but still, it hurt. I couldn't help but think that I was totally revolting to men, which led to a gigantic pity party and self-loathing (and increasing weight gain!) all throughout high school. I pretty much accepted, nay, embraced the fact that I was a fat girl. He'd tell me that I'd had enough chips right in front of everyone, and I would retaliate by sneaking them later. Not because I was hungry, just because of spite. But who did it hurt? Certainly not him for the embarrassment he caused me, I just hurt myself. I was completely immature.

I told myself that I didn't like sports or anything physical, because it was challenging in my plus size body... and the one time I really tried to push myself was my sophomore and junior years when I took early bird PE. I increased my mile run from around 20 minutes to 13, but my gym teacher often accused me of being lazy if I couldn't keep up with the rest of the kids. Again, maybe she was just trying to motivate me, but in reality I was crushed. I had improved the most in the class, and got no recognition for it because I still couldn't run a mile in 7 minutes like everyone else and had to take more frequent breaks.

I had a few guy friends that evolved into crushes, and I lamented at the fact that I knew they would never want to date me. And sure enough, the ones that I revealed my feelings to rejected me. The others I could never bring myself to face their rejection and spent a lot of evenings feeling inadequate while they were out with pretty girls that didn't look like an amorphous blob in dresses.

Come to think of it, I was pretty depressed. And this is getting quite long, so I'll get to my point: my self-confidence was at an all-time low. I knew that I had a pretty face, a great personality, talented and kind. I thought that there had to be somebody out there who would see that me and love me for it, and maybe... they would even find me attractive.

And sure enough, I found that person. Unlike me, he's very confident and sure of himself. At first I was worried of what people would think when I told them that we met online. Would they think that was the only way I could trick a man into liking me? I was worried what other people would think when they saw us together... "Why is he with HER?" and I shared those fears with him and he said, "Who cares what they think? I think you are wonderful."

It's still a challenge, but gaining confidence has really made a difference in my happiness. I still go through bouts of depression and feelings of hopelessness regarding my weight, but for the first time in a long time (as of recently) I feel like I can really do this... and maybe I'll start to enjoy all of those active things I never thought I'd like or was turned off to by the negative influences in my life. I decided that yes, maybe I would like to go ROCK climbing, play sports, run, swim, all of these things. Maybe I just never gave them a chance because I felt so badly about myself that I couldn't enjoy them.

Rejection is never easy, and people are always going to judge you on the way you look. It's easy to feel bitter about that. But I had to start learning to ignore everyone else and do something that makes ME feel better. When I let others affect me negatively, I only ended up hurting myself. But when I focus on the positive things, I feel like I can do just about anything, even if I have a setback, which, like you, I recently gained back around 40lbs that I lost and have to lose every ounce of that all over again and then some. But it's okay because I can analyze what went wrong the last time, and prepare myself for that so I have a greater chance to succeed this time around.

:hug:

We can do this!!!

Rakel, I just want to say--what a lovely post. I've really enjoyed reading your posts lately; you are so thoughtful and helpful. I'm glad you're here!

Rakel, I just want to say--what a lovely post. I've really enjoyed reading your posts lately; you are so thoughtful and helpful. I'm glad you're here!

Aww, how sweet! Thank you :) I'm certainly glad to be back.

When I went to therapy for an eating disorder, the therapist told me something that really stuck. It sounds harsh, but I think it makes a lot of sense.

Put down the baseball bat, stop beating yourself up. People notice you much less than you think they do.

Rough, huh? well, I think she was right. People have their own lives and agendas. You only think people are staring at you and snickering because YOU are thinking about you. You are trying to be a mind reader. Sorry hunny, no one can do that. Chances are, most people on the street do not give you a second look. It's unfortunate that a few mean comments by some very rude people (family or not!) have caused you to think this way.

I know it sounds awful, but I thought it was reassuring after walking around convinced that people were running back to their friends and saying, "did you see that fat girl walk by?" The honest truth? only an a$$holes really does that. People you don't want to know anyway.

Rakel, I just want to say--what a lovely post. I've really enjoyed reading your posts lately; you are so thoughtful and helpful. I'm glad you're here!

I thought that too. It's not an accident that you drew someone special to you.

It’s just tough realizing that though my family loves me, they’ve sent me a clear message they like me a lot better when I’m thinner.

:hug: I don't know what your family members said to you, I know some percentage of that has to be them wanting what they think is good for you, and maybe not so much liking you better when you're thinner. at least give that a thought. they aren't rejecting you, they're "rejecting" -- or rather being critical of -- their perception of a behavior and their perception of the results of a behavior.

you're not alone in gaining back weight you've lost, it's extremely common, I've yo-yo'ed several times. I'd say start with asking yourself how helpful is it going to be to you to feel ashamed and embarrassed.

Empower yourself with your thoughts, you know how to lose weight, you know where to come for support, tips, and information and to vent (here, ha). It's perfectly within your capabilities to lose whatever weight you want to, to change whatever behavior and thinking you want to. You're family may not always totally get what your going through, but believe me there always will be people here who will totally be able to understand and relate. And you'll inspire people too.

When you feel good about yourself, really - deep down, you see the negativity for what it is - a weak person's projections of their misery onto you. It says everthing about them, and nothing about you.

This. Exactly. It's so, so true.

Thanks to all of you for these thoughtful posts. They really made me pause and rethink my situation. For instance, it occurred to me that I haven't liked myself lately and that it's definitely showing up in my attitude. I have been short fused and overall moody because I am worrying about this so much! I think people around me are responding to that as well. And yes, kaybelle, more than likely most of the people I think are staring haven't even given a thought to me. I really do need to let that worry go. Wasted energy!

I am definitely working at why I gained this weight. Truly, at the core, is what many of you have said—I talk to and treat myself very poorly. I am working on this; it’s a promise I have made to myself. No better place than here to start I believe.

I will also look into jacket options, thanks for the suggestions. I just realized this really is another way for me to beat myself up. “I don’t deserve something new and nice if I gained weight”…or something like that. It’s kind of ridiculous. Time to put the “bat” down.

Rakel- that’s a wonderful story, thanks for sharing. It really gives me hope to hear about all the great people that are out there. My Dad is very much like yours, means well but things come out all wrong sometimes. I have to say though, today he gave me the best compliment-he told me I don’t need any beauty sleep because he doesn’t see how I could get any more beautiful. Cheesy, but sweet coming from him. It made my day.

They all pretty much said what I was thinking....

Learning to look past people and what they think of you and getting to the ROOT of why you're doing those things to harm/spite/not help yourself is the most important factor. When you figure that out, I think you'll quit worrying so much about them and learn to move on and do what helps RUBY! :) :hug:

A few years ago I lost a great deal of weight. I was nowhere near my goal, but was ecstatic that I was slimmer than I'd ever been as an adult. But stuff happened, and not only did I gain all the weight back (about forty pounds), I packed on an extra hundred! And when you tack on the fact that I was always shy and that I had moved to another state, just wow . . . did I ever get lonely. I felt too embarrassed and ashamed of my size to feel good enough about myself to go out and meet people. I eventually made a friend at my work (someone else who wanted to lose weight) and we sorta stewed with each other over feeling like big fat misfits in society. It was hard on me when we eventually started going in different directions . . .

So I totally understand how it's so difficult to push yourself past that embarrassment and shame, but it can be done. I'm living proof of that. I eventually learned I have agoraphobia (which feeds directly on embarrassment and shame), which has not only put an extra damper on my social life, but has robbed me of my independence throughout a good portion of my life. Understanding how and why I feel the way I do over situations has certainly helped; so has reminding myself that I need to worry less about what others think so I can concentrate on what it takes to make me happy.

Part of that happiness is actively taking care of myself. Not just eating better or even exercising, but taking the time to tell myself I'm a worthwhile person, just fine the way I am. I'm also dressing up the best I can (which doesn't have to cost a lot), doing my hair, putting on make-up, all the things I used to find every excuse not to do when I was feeling so down about myself. It all adds up to a happier, more confident me whether I'm sitting at home or going out.

And I've totally noticed that actually wanting to take care of myself makes it so much easier to eat better, exercise, and make healthier choices overall. The weight loss that ensues adds to it as well! I'm not saying it's an easy, simple road, all things take time. I still have a lot of problems and fears about being social, but I'm getting better with baby steps. In just the past few weeks I've spent time going to local TOPS meetings and taking classes at the YMCA. Both have a very relaxed atmospheres, full of people with very similar weight loss goals (and possibly social issues!) as me. I think that's been a big help as well.

So you can do this. Feeling sorry for yourself happens to all of us; the key is stepping away from and reasoning yourself out the feeling before it turns into a vicious cycle. You have every reason to love yourself and find happiness no matter what size you are or think you should be. :hug:

I'm exactly the same way, I struggle with being around people until I'm really comfortable with them...i can't even be the real me because I'm afraid of people judging me. That's all going to have to change soon and I am terrified :( I have lost most my self esteem because of mean people and family making rude hurtful comments when I swear I am nice to everyone but they don't care! Losing weight and gaining it back is the worst thing but u gotta remember tomorrow is always a new day you can always start over just don't give up!