Living Maintenance - Help, no support from family members!

Hi Chicks! I have been overwieght all my life and constantly got made fun of in school for being fat. I lost weight 2 times in my life before, after each of my kids were born and gained it back each time after 2 yrs. When I turned 40 I decided to start eating healthy back in Sept. 2008. I am a pescatarian( like vegetarian but I eat some fish and dairy.) I lost 65 lbs in 10 mo. just by doing this. I love the food and am very satisfied with what I eat, I am never hungary and I eat more now than ever and I am keeping the weight off. The problem is that my side of the family( mother, aunt+ uncle) are not supporting me in my decision to eat healthy. Every holiday or birthday I have to dread to spend time with them because they are constantly trying to push cake, sweets, and junk food at me. They say that I should eat junk sometimes and almost beg me to eat this stuff. I don't even want it or crave it, why should i eat it?? They act like they won't have fun unless I eat like a pig. They don't taste what i eat, so what should it matter to them? They say I have to eat it! It's my body and I am in control of what i put in my mouth, not them. I get so angry that I can't wait to come home. I don't even want to be with them when there is eating involved anymore. I have been eating this way for 14 mo. Shouldn't they be accepting this by now? Well they better, cause I am doing this for life!! Any help from you guys on how to deal with this, would be great!! Thanks Chicks

You said it yourself., you are in control, you do not have to eat what you don't want to eat, but you do have to accept that they may never change., It is all up to you.

This is an irritating, but common, problem.

My perspective is just to be consistent. Sometimes, for me, it's helpful to prepare (and even practice!) my responses to this inappropriateness ahead of time. I believe that if you give consistent responses to your friends/family, over time, they'll give up. Of course, sometimes it can take a LOT of time!

My response in a situation is to say "Oh, no thank you". Repeatedly. If pressed, you can move to "Thanks, it looks great, but unfortunately that kind of food disagrees with me". The second makes it sound more health-related, and in a way, it's true - it disagrees with you because you don't enjoy it and it makes changes in your body that you don't like.

If you treat it like a non-issue and don't give in, the nagging should taper off (or one would hope!)

Maybe talking to your family individually, at a time this isn't an issue (like don't wait for the holidays), and tell them how it's bothering you.

Ask them why they feel they have to push food on you when you are happy with your lifestyle? You are healthy, you aren't underweight, and you want to not be forced to eat things you don't want to and hope they can understand that and respect your decision.

Maybe speaking to the food pushers individually will make them listen and understand what you are saying. I have a feeling when you ask what's their reasoning for pushing food on you they won't be able to think of one.

Good luck.

Thanks Chicks for all for your help. I have been consistant about saying no to the junk they want me to eat for 14 mo. now. Nothing is changing. My family is from a Pennsylvania dutch backround and are in their 80's, I think that has something to do with it. They cook with lots of butter , salt and fat. And when they go out to eat it's meat and potatoes. My aunt had a heart attack 10 yrs. ago and should not even be eating this crap, my uncle has had no health effects yet, but has a smart -*** comment about how I eat every time I see him. They are all overweight except my mom, who has always watched her weight, but still pushes candy and cookies on me. Last night I let out my anger about this to my mom and aunt. My aunt said to me on the phone that it is my choice and I should do what I want, but yet she still continues to force food on me when we are in the same room eating. So they do know how i feel now and still no change.

Congrats on the weight loss! Maybe just tell them you can't eat sugar for health reasons.

When someone is pushing the same thing on you for the fifth time, you can actually ask them, "Why do you need me to eat something I'm not hungry for?"

Fruitlady,
First, congratulations on your accomplishment of releasing the weight! :carrot:

I second posing this excellent question suggested by JulieJ08: "Why do you need me to eat something I'm not hungry for?"

Eating their food choices does not prove how much you love them. I don't believe this is about food so much as the need to control others. Please remember your achievement. You are the only one who permits what you will or will not consume. My past efforts to please others and spare their feelings included eating ("try just a taste") foods I didn't want or need to add to my body fat count! In hindsight, some of those decisions were reactions to the demands of others rather than taking care of my own needs.

Don't let anyone else sabotage your fitness success by dictating what you "should" eat. You are in charge.
:D

Jean

One of my other strategies is to offer to bring or cook a dish to share in situations where I know this will occur, if at all possible (I've assembled salads in hotel rooms to bring to events...no lie!). I always pick a dish of which I can have a really big portion without going off of my plan. There may be a little ribbing about the nature of the dish you brought, but if you have a full plate of food, no one accuses you of not eating (even if by filling your plate 2/3 full of your veggie dish that fits into your plan, you're eating half the calories compared to the full plates of those not filling up on the veggies). And then you have an excellent opportunity, when pushed, to say "I couldn't possibly, I'm full!".

If you get really desperate, say "I'm so full right now, but if you wrap it up for me I'll take it home". And home it goes...straight into the home garbage can! This can backfire ("But you ate it last time!"), but sometimes it gets people to back off on the food pushing.

mandalinn, you know that might work, bring the food home and throwing it away is a great idea. I was actually thinking of taking my own food next time, which is on Monday for my uncles birthday. Then at least they see that i am eating something and that might shut them up! Ready2Bthinna, Thanks! Your right, it just may be a control thing. But, they are not controlling me, so they should just give it up. I've worked too hard to get where I am, I have never felt better in my life and I am not blowing it!

Indulging once a while is not going to kill you. Look who's giving advice, right? When I was slimmer (135 @ 5'6), I used to pig out on Sat. I purposely gained weight due to family issues. I'm in the process of dealing with these demons and it's going well.

FoodObsessed - to me, the issue is less about the food, and more about the OP's family disrespecting her choices around the food.

One other thing just occurred to me...sometimes these little struggles are more about the other people looking at your choices and feeling bad about their own. Which, of course, isn't your problem to solve, but if your interest is making the comments stop (which I understand...it drives me nuts when I'm at a family event and everyone talks about my food, instead of about other things that are actually interesting!), it may be helpful to try breaking their association of things you bring/eat and health or weight (not sure if you do this...just a general thing I've noticed that might be helpful to you or others reading). So bringing a healthy side dish and saying "I brought these amazing low-cal butternut squash cubes so I could eat something lower calorie", for example, makes people think "Hey, I'm eating the non lower-cal foods! She's criticizing my food!" and puts them on the defensive. This was a trap I fell into A LOT early in my weight loss. It helped a lot to stop labeling my food as "healthy" and just present it as "Hey, I brought some butternut squash to share!".

Again, not sure if it applies to your situation, but this was something I changed that really helped minimize these situations in my life.

Hi FoodObsessed, Thanks, I'm afraid if I start to indulge, even just one time, it could lead to more and more of it and I don't want that. I'm trying to get over a binging problem that my family doesn't know about, I'm binge free now for 6 days, I'm doing the 7 day challenge on 3fc.

mandalinn, thanks, you have some great advice. You understand what I am dealing with. Did you have some of the same problems?

I definitely had some of the same issues. I have a lot of overweight family members, and for a while, everyone took solace in the fact that I was the biggest...when I got thinner, we went through quite an adjustment period where people felt the need to criticize my food choices. Regularly and often. "Aren't you going to eat?" and "You can have just a little" and on and on. Well, I have PCOS, and a "little" sugar is something I have to be very careful with, and if I AM going to indulge, it's going to be in something I find REALLY worth it (I have a bit of a thing for gourmet cupcakes that I will never give up), not a store-bought pumpkin pie.

So I started offering to cook for special events...and made everything healthy and on plan without really mentioning it. I offered to bring dessert or a side to those houses I knew would have veggie sides drenched in butter and sauce (and why, oh why, would you cover a gorgeous summer fruit salad with creamy dressing??)...that way, I was helping with the event prep, which the hosts appreciated, but was ensuring I had something I could eat along with the group. And the more I made my eating part of the group (sitting down with them, eating approximately the same volume even if mine was 2/3 my low-cal dish and therefore OP, etc), the less everyone felt the need to comment on it.

This also let me expose some people with less-than-ideal habits to the wonders of a well-cooked vegetable (I'm a pretty good cook, so when I bring things, people do tend to eat and enjoy them, even if they are on plan).

I learned a lot of tricks that way...like drinking club soda with lime so people don't ask you why you're not drinking, or that if you don't describe food as "healthy" and just describe it as "delicious", people will try it (and like it!). And the more foods of mine they try and like, the less they feel like I'm "depriving" myself and the more they feel like my way of eating is indulgent and delicious, in addition to being better for my body.

Of course, sometimes people just WON'T give up, and that's fine. That's when you take it home and throw it away. To me, it's not worth the aggravation of fighting about it.

I just wanted to add that sometimes it feels like pushing when in fact it is only a polite offer. I went through this a lot with my roommate. Offering food was considered a social gesture in her family, and it's one she always makes even though I've told her no a zillion times and asked her not to be a "food pusher."

I've found there is no reason to be mean to her about this--I simply repeat my polite no as many times as needed, with a smile, and a disclaimer if it seems necessary (for example, "I'm too full," "I don't want any now," "Thanks but I'm OK," and so on). It helps to treat it as a gesture of caring rather than as an attack... And you know, your aunt is right--it's up to you--it's your choice. I assume they are not literally holding you down and forcing food between your clenched teeth... ;)

Jay

If you accept the assumption that some people are "food addicts" then it follows that usually addicts like to have other addicts around them to share in their addiction.

You are no longer sharing in the addiction and are probably making all the "food pushers" uncomfortable with your choice to not share in their behaviour.

I have blood sugar issues so have a convenient excuse (notice how no one ever pushes fruit or extra veggies at you - LOL) to refuse all the sugary desserts offered at family functions.

Some helpful advice I got was to take a smaller plate and smush the food around on it. Looks like you're eating a whole lot while not really eating it.

Dagmar :cool:

When all else fails just say I'll take it home and eat it later . I once had a friend insist I eat fried chicken, I so didn't want it and finally asked her if I could take it home for later. She was happy to pack me an enormous serving. On the way home I saw a man with a sign that said "need food " I stopped and gave the chicken to him, he was happy and she never knew anything about it. And I didn't feel guilty about throwing out "perfectly good food ".

Hi FoodObsessed, Thanks, I'm afraid if I start to indulge, even just one time, it could lead to more and more of it and I don't want that. I'm trying to get over a binging problem that my family doesn't know about, I'm binge free now for 6 days, I'm doing the 7 day challenge on 3fc.

Gosh, if you are still having issues with binging, (even with this wonderful food program you are very happy with), maybe your family sees something in you that leads them to believe you need to eat more. I know you said they don't know about your binging, but mothers intuition is pretty strong. Hiding the binge secret messes with your mind, spirit and soul. My hubby can ALWAYS tell when I went overboard, just from my demeanor. I don't even bother to try to hid it anymore, I come clean with my family every time I have a bad day. Thankfully it doesn't happen very often.

Really Good job making it 6 days, how did your weekend go? :hug:

Hi Lori Bell, My weekend was ok, but i did binge on Saturday. I have not binged for two days. I am very happy with the foods I eat, so when i do binge, it is with those foods, not junk food. But it still is not good for you. My family has no clue that even tasting or trying their kind of food could be the start of a binge. My biggest fear is if I start i will not be able to stop and I will gain all the weight back. thanks for your input!

I feel for you....my family took my new eating habits as a personal assault on theirs. If I didnt want to eat something, they immediately got defensive and spent way too much effort trying to justify eating a biscuit with dinner. I never pushed my agenda or shamed others for eating something I chose not to but they still took it personally every time.

At one point my sister all but black balled me at a holiday dinner. She was cooking and I was vegan...you see where this is going?

She put meat and cheese in EVERYTHING...even dishes that she typically would not have. And then had the audacity to complain that I ate nothing but carrots and drank water at her holiday dinner....

What is that about?! To them my choice to not eat meat automatically labeled them as cannibalistic murders.

But once they realized I was serious and could not be backed into eating their way by witholding veggie choices, they came around and even allowed me to host a VEGAN easter dinner! They ate everything and loved it and now my dishes are always welcome at family dinners.

So I guess the moral of the story is stay true to yourself and refuse to be bullied or manipulated and eventually people change.

Awesome advice meandmyself.

I feel for you....my family took my new eating habits as a personal assault on theirs. If I didnt want to eat something, they immediately got defensive and spent way too much effort trying to justify eating a biscuit with dinner. I never pushed my agenda or shamed others for eating something I chose not to but they still took it personally every time.

This part really stood out. Thankfully I have supportive family, but friends have been dropping like flies for me. I really try not to comment or say anything about what others eat/drink (I reserve that talk for 3fc...lol), I have even been known to be "bartender" at parties, and always take a couple dishes for potlucks. Something I can eat, and something sinfully delicious for the rest to enjoy, but I almost always get a snide remark...like, "I know you think I'm drinking too much". or "I know this isn't on your diet, but I'll NEVER give it up..." sort of stuff. It is very annoying...I don't give a rats behind what they eat or drink...

Anyway Fruitlady, sorry to thread hog, but I do understand what you are going through, just thought I would throw another possible point of view out there.

Have you told them how it makes you feel? If they knew that the way they are behaving makes you so angry that you just want to leave, and causes you to dread any occasion that involves food, they might just back off. They can argue with your choices until the cows come home, but your feelings might get a little more respect.

Thanks everyone! you chicks are the best, I can relate to every point you guys brought up. I am very sick of the remarks like "so all you eat are vegetables?" ( which is far from true), " can't you eat some cake or candy sometimes?" I just say no, I can't. I never care what they eat, why should they care what i eat? Maybe I should start commenting on how bad the food is that they eat, how it's so bad for your health and tell them how much fat and calories they are eating along with empty calories. Maybe it would get them thinking, maybe not. thanks again chicks!

Maybe I should start commenting on how bad the food is that they eat, how it's so bad for your health and tell them how much fat and calories they are eating along with empty calories. Maybe it would get them thinking, maybe not

In my experience, this makes it worse. The problem originates, in my opinion, in people being threatened that you're judging them for not eating healthy foods, and/or that your eating those foods pulls into tighter focus the fact that they don't eat those foods (with, for some, a side of confusion about what your new role in the family dynamic is...I was always the heaviest girl in my family, and when I became the smallest girl in my family, it caused some disturbances). Bringing it up may bring those differences into even tighter focus, exactly what you don't want if you want the comments to stop.