Weight Loss Support - Why did No one ever tell me?




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darlingbee2
10-27-2009, 02:42 AM
Okay. So I needed some where to rant a bit.

So today. For the first time ever, I took pictures of myself in a swim suit...
Oh yeah. WHY Didn't anyone tell me?

People just say, hey you're pretty. No one says, hey maybe you should workout. When I tell people I'm dieting, they say i don't need it. And right now I'm thinking...SAY WHAT?

Does this tip-toeing bother anyone else?:mad:


VernDern
10-27-2009, 02:59 AM
Actually yes...It drives me CRAZY when my SO or friends tell me I look great and cute...and the worst: You're perfect the way you are.

They are just being polite trying to not scar us for life, but still, for once it would be nice if someone was real and honest every once in a while.

So I understand completely!

angelfoxer
10-27-2009, 03:02 AM
Totally know what you girls are talking about - although Vern, your photo shows you to be very pretty!

My mother in law switched from telling me I needed to watch what I ate, to telling me, three months later, that why would I want to lose weight? Sadly I hadn't lost any in that time....it's not very helpful is it? :)

Makes you wonder if they really care?


VernDern
10-27-2009, 03:04 AM
Aww, thanks angel! =)

Iconised Ghost
10-27-2009, 03:12 AM
yes it drives me crazy. a few weeks ago some family members were like "make sure you dont get too thin!"

well, no one ever said "make sure you dont get too fat!" when I was obese >:X

jazzang
10-27-2009, 03:14 AM
my favorite one is the accessory compliments. my girlfriends will say cute shoes! or cute earrings! i can't wait for the day when i get compliments on how good a dress or a pair of jeans look!! you know what i mean??

:D

ringmaster
10-27-2009, 05:56 AM
if people really said that to us most of us would be hurt and offended, I know I would. Unless they had a nice and gentle way to tell me.

srmb60
10-27-2009, 06:06 AM
Maybe they do think you're pretty. Family who love you and good friends, just love you the way you are.

That may sound like a bit of a Pollyanna answer but ...

rockinrobin
10-27-2009, 06:29 AM
Why did no one ever tell you?

Well first of all we are our own worst critics. People don't look at us and see - fat - ugly - pimply- big nose- frizzy hair. People that know and love us, love us for what we REALLY are - kind, warm, giving, generous, smart, funny, etc...

And then there are just some things that are nobody's dang business. It's no one's place to tell us that we look like this and don't look like that. And we should eat like this and not like that. There are certain things that are off limits, or at least should be - and looks and weight is one of them.

We MUST be responsible for our own weight, our own health, our own well-being. It's our job. No one else's. Thank goodness actually. Too vital to leave it up to anyone else.

JayEll
10-27-2009, 07:05 AM
Oh right. I can just imagine a friend sitting down with me at my highest weight and saying, "Honey, did you know that you are obese?" :yikes:

No one told you because they care about you and didn't want to hurt your feelings or offend you. And really, I don't think you would have liked it much if they did.

I think the best thing to do about someone else's weight is mostly to stay out of the issue. And I don't discuss my weight loss with anyone except my SO and closest friends. We've all had those unwelcome comments in either direction.

Jay

Sunnigummi
10-27-2009, 07:12 AM
I would be very insulted if my friends (as dear as they are to me) told me I needed to watch my weight. One of my friends commented on what I was ordering (chicken fingers) once and the same friend went "wow you're really digging into that dessert for someone who didn't want it" when my sis and I ordered a slice of cheesecake. I'm still friends with this person but I've made it clear that food- and weight-related comments are off-topic. Even if someone said it as gently as possible, I would think it was none of their business, just like their weight is none of my business.

My family on the other hand is a different issue. My mom is blunt and tells me when I am getting wider. I don't get offended when she does it, maybe irritated but she's also the first one to tell me when she can see a difference/loss. I'm weird, I can take it from my mom but nobody else... :)

Aclai4067
10-27-2009, 07:38 AM
Girls that tell me I don't need to lose weight drive me up the wall. I was morbidly obese, I'm still at the high end of the obese range. You're not fooling anyone or doing me a favor by saying I don't need to lose weight. Really, at this point, it's just blatant lying. Luckily most people I know can talk to me seriously and honestly about my weight without being mean. But there will always be those girls who think that it's too mean to even acknowledge that you are overweight.

TJFitnessDiva
10-27-2009, 08:12 AM
If they would have told you would you have been willing to lose the weight if they would have brought it up then? Chances are you wouldn't have.

I know I would have been hurt and either cried or punched them in the face if anyone would have come up and told me "Tanee, you are fat and need to lose weight." I already knew & it wouldn't have spurred me into losing weight ;) I probably would have gotten more depressed and eaten more.

MindiV
10-27-2009, 08:29 AM
Oh right. I can just imagine a friend sitting down with me at my highest weight and saying, "Honey, did you know that you are obese?" :yikes:

No one told you because they care about you and didn't want to hurt your feelings or offend you. And really, I don't think you would have liked it much if they did.

I think the best thing to do about someone else's weight is mostly to stay out of the issue. And I don't discuss my weight loss with anyone except my SO and closest friends. We've all had those unwelcome comments in either direction.

Jay


That was my thought, as well. If someone had sat me down and said, "Dear, you're FAT!" I might've hit them. Or at least given them the finger and not spoken to them again.

In order for weight loss to have any chance of working, it's a conclusion we have to come to ourselves. Seems like you've done that....good start!

Wannabeskinny
10-27-2009, 08:54 AM
I have a hard time imagining that you would feel grateful if someone said to you "maybe you shouldn't wear that bathing suit." What do you expect people to tell you exactly? That you're fat and you need to lose weight?

I've always hated statements that allude to being overweight... "Are you SURE you want french fries?" or "maybe we shouldn't have dessert." My Mother always tried to say something about it but she would get this pitiful sad look on her face and whisper "please, please don't gain anymore weight" as if I was a heroin addict shooting up in front of her and breaking her heart.

What's important is that you're telling yourself now! It takes a long time to climb out from the depths of denial - ahhh blissful denial... the denial that allows us to eat and eat and eat without a single calorie passing through our minds :dizzy: The only person that can snap you out of that is yourself. Any comments from anyone else will only make you feel awful but it won't do much to help you get out of denial.

Altari
10-27-2009, 09:21 AM
I have a hard time imagining that you would feel grateful if someone said to you "maybe you shouldn't wear that bathing suit." What do you expect people to tell you exactly? That you're fat and you need to lose weight?
IMO, it depends on who's saying it.

F.ex., my best friend, when I got to my heaviest, said, "You should start running with me. You're packing on the pounds, hun."

It bothered me, but it had to be said.

justaloozer
10-27-2009, 09:26 AM
Oh right. I can just imagine a friend sitting down with me at my highest weight and saying, "Honey, did you know that you are obese?" :yikes:



:rofl: I can't even imagine my friends telling me that!

Honestly though, there really isn't a nice or polite way of saying you are gaining weight. So I can totally see why no one said anything.

rockinrobin
10-27-2009, 09:28 AM
IMO, it depends on who's saying it.

F.ex., my best friend, when I got to my heaviest, said, "You should start running with me. You're packing on the pounds, hun."

It bothered me, but it had to be said.

Did it need to be said? Really? I guess we're all different, well I KNOW we're all different. You see, I knew. I knew I was enormous, unhealthy and unfit and that I needed to change. I didn't need (or want) anyone to tell me. If someone would have told me, though of course I knew they were aware of it, it's not like I could hide it. But I would have been embarrassed and mortified. It wouldn't have propelled me into action. It would have made me even MORE uncomfortable with myself and the world. It would have made me hold back more. Participate less. It wouldn't have been good, productive or useful.

Fat Pants
10-27-2009, 09:32 AM
Iconised Ghost has a good point. People are quick to point out when we're getting "too skinny." Why is telling someone they're getting too fat a no-no? :nono: Is it because it's better to be "too skinny" than "too fat"? Do we secretly value being too skinny? I mean, if I'm going to admit it, I'd rather be too skinny than too fat. But both can be equally unhealthy.

Anyway, like Wannabeskinny's mom, I *hated* it when my mom would make comments like that. And she would say it in front of other people. It was practically like calling me fat in so many words. Hey, I know it. It doesn't need to be announced to the room that I'm obese.

Excuse me, I *was* obese. ;)

Altari
10-27-2009, 10:10 AM
Did it need to be said? Really? I guess we're all different, well I KNOW we're all different. You see, I knew. I knew I was enormous, unhealthy and unfit and that I needed to change. I didn't need (or want) anyone to tell me. If someone would have told me, though of course I knew they were aware of it, it's not like I could hide it. But I would have been embarrassed and mortified. It wouldn't have propelled me into action. It would have made me even MORE uncomfortable with myself and the world. It would have made me hold back more. Participate less. It wouldn't have been good, productive or useful.
I think it does. Even though we all "knew" we were gaining weight/were overweight, sometimes it takes an outside source to get you in line.

Of course, I'm not advocating people randomly saying, "Jeez, fatty, put the burger down!"

But, as in my case, if the criticism comes with a suggested solution, especially if it's from a trusted friend/relative, us dieters should step back from the defensiveness and take it at face value. People who care about us and want what's best for us will say things, even if they know what they say will cause a rift. We can either get our scruff up in self-defense or take what they say at face value.

To put it a different way, if, instead of weight loss, it was an addiction like alcohol, drugs or gambling (because, let's be honest, most of got here because of one form or another of food addiction), would our loved ones be obligated to just sit back and say nothing?

darlingbee2
10-27-2009, 10:21 AM
hmm. I guess we are all different.

I'd be hurt if someone told me, "Hey that doesn't look flattering on you..." BUT very grateful! I mean I'm a fatty [for now] nothing is gonna insta-slim me. But there are better choices to be made concerning clothing. So when I saw the swim suit on that I had worn all summer look that ... unflattering, I was a little upset.

But you all are right.

1. I would have been slightly offended at the minimum.

2. The subtle encouragement of "Maybe be a salad?" while embarrassing in front of a crowd, one-on-one it wouldn't be so bad...

Thanks for your wise words!:hug:

forestroad
10-27-2009, 10:42 AM
I think that in some cases it has to do with how we see ourselves vs how others see us, and also the cultural message that you can't be fat AND pretty.

I had this friend in high school who was chubby, probably a size 14 and a DD. I had known her for years and she had always been the chubby girl, so that was part of her identity to me, so I used a different set of criteria in judging her when she asked me if she looked good in her bikini. Don't get me wrong...I thought she was beautiful and really rocked that bathing suit, but it's not like she was Joanna Krupa or anything. It's just that she wasn't trying to fool anyone into thinking she was skinny. She was fat and she owned it, and I guess that gave her a license to rock a bikini at a heavier weight.

For me on the other hand, I had been thin and I gained weight. I was still trying to wear clothes that made me look like the girl I used to be, the thin girl inside, ya know? So if I had had on that same bathing suit, I would have been annoyed if someone told me I looked good. Wearing that bathing suit would have been like exposing all the bad parts of me that I didn't want people to know about. Is this irrational? Probably. Would I have been better served by just embracing my newfound poundage and getting on with my life? Probably. I think it's a pretty common attitude that fat is okay for other people, but not for me.

So I do think we use relative criteria when we're asked how someone looks. I think we judge them to what we feel their full potential could be. If we think they look as good as they possibly can, we say yes that looks great, even if in an absolute sense, maybe it doesn't. And I think in the case of family and friends who know you and love you and see your physique as just one component of what makes you your wonderful self, yeah, I think they believe that full potential is actually pretty awesome. I wouldn't change one thing about this friend of mine, but she may not be happy with herself and she may not have incorporated "fat" into her identity, so there's cognitive dissonance there when I tell her she looks great, even though I believe it bc she's my fat fabulous friend. She is fat and beautiful in my mind, though a lot of people feel like those things are mutually exclusive. So to me it's like, ok maybe she looks fat in that dress, but that's ok bc she is fat, and that dress looks awesome!

Sorry for my long-winded-ness.

angieaang
10-27-2009, 10:53 AM
I think that sometimes we fool ourselves (sometimes unknowingly) into thinking maybe we're not "that" big (even though deep down we may know that we are), and finally hearing "you're gaining weight" from a close friend or family member forces us out of this "I'm-not-really-that-big" mind frame. It's like a wake up that says, "the rest of the world really does notice" when we've been trying to convince ourselves that we really weren't that big. I think that's why hearing it from others can be helpful for some.

PammyFl
10-27-2009, 11:16 AM
I hate it too I sometimes wish people would just tell you how it is "HEY YOUR #$^ LOOKS FAT IN THAT" but at the same time if someone told me that I would probably be depressed and it would have only made it worse. So I think people need to be "gentle" on the subject because I know I wouldn't have taken it so well.

Altari
10-27-2009, 11:19 AM
I hate it too I sometimes wish people would just tell you how it is "HEY YOUR #$^ LOOKS FAT IN THAT" but at the same time if someone told me that I would probably be depressed and it would have only made it worse. So I think people need to be "gentle" on the subject because I know I wouldn't have taken it so well.
Definitely. My husband will often shake his head and hand me a different shirt. Or, if pants don't look good, he'll say, "You're not quite there yet so those aren't really flattering." It gets the point across - it looks like crap - without making me *feel* like crap.

Wannabeskinny
10-27-2009, 11:20 AM
I don't think that telling people that they should lose weight should be illegal or anything, but there are way too many factors in how that person will be affected. For example, what if you woke up and felt cute and confident in your bathing suit that day, looking forward to swimming and relaxing in the sun only to have someone tell you that you looked bad.... wasn't feeling good a valid feeling in the first place? Why should someone take that away from you? Or for example what if you already felt extremely uncomfortable in your bathing suit only to be further humiliated that day.... there's any number of roads that comments can lead you on including feeling bad, or feeling motivated to do something about it. But the whole situation is completely subjective and there is no telling how adverse the effects will be.

Making comments on a person's appearance (unless it's positive) is entirely inappropriate. You would never walk up to someone you didn't know and tell them they were too skinny, not if you're well-mannered anyway. People take license to tell you you're too skinny if you were originally over-weight so the real truth is that the discrimination remains on currently overweight or previously overweight people.

Losing a lot of weight is a big threat to other people, especially people who may have previously thought that they were better, prettier, skinnier, or stronger than you. In their minds they higher upper in the looks department than you and now you're in contention for a better spot on your mutual social circle maybe? You losing weight may feel challenging to their own sensibilities so the only thing they can do is urge you to get back to the weight that made them comfortable. It's really an acceptable form of discrimination if you think about it.

MindiV
10-27-2009, 11:58 AM
Iconised Ghost has a good point. People are quick to point out when we're getting "too skinny." Why is telling someone they're getting too fat a no-no? :nono: Is it because it's better to be "too skinny" than "too fat"? Do we secretly value being too skinny? I mean, if I'm going to admit it, I'd rather be too skinny than too fat. But both can be equally unhealthy.


I agree....why is it ok for someone to tell me I'm too thin when it's NOT ok for them to tell me to lose weight?

My husband and I went to eat dinner at a friend's house. After drinking a few, and while I was eating some chicken enchiladas, the friend said, "Mindi, you look sick. You need to eat some more of that and gain weight."

It's not like I was eating like a bird. I had a plate of two big chicken enchiladas drowned with cheese, along with chips and cheese dip. I was full, and I ate pretty much what my husband ate that night. I'm 5 feet, 8.5 inches tall and weigh 140 pounds. I'm nowhere NEAR underweight for my height.

But why is it ok for him to make me feel like crap about how I look? It wouldn't be ok if I was big again.

Havisham
10-27-2009, 12:17 PM
Wow - lots of insights here! We are a self aware bunch, aren't we?? :)

I have to say I agree so much with Wannabe - there is that cognitive dissonance between how we see ourselves and how we see each other - AND in how we view others. I was slim when I was younger, but the people with whom I work have only ever known me this size, so to them, I can look great. To me, I still look like Shrek.

Yet, I saw an old boyfriend after I'd gained the weight and he said, 'wow, you were so beautiful...and now you're still beautiful, but it's lost a bit in everything you've gained'. Sounds harsh, but he meant it well, and strangely I appreciated it. I DID look better before.

And, as Forest says, when we lose weight we threaten those around us...and I'm guilty of that myself. I'm guilty of looking at those who lose a lot of weight and thinking, 'great, another skinny minny who's better looking than me'. And if I'm being honest, a lot of that is envy...I want to be the one losing that weight.

I don't want someone to tell me I'm fat - I know I'm fat, and seeing pics of myself reaffirms that. And I agree with Forest, commenting on anyone's appearance is inappropriate, unless it's very positive.

carter
10-27-2009, 12:44 PM
I don't need anyone to tell me I'm fat. I know I'm fat.

If I'm in denial, and not ready to own that fact, someone else trying to tell me I'm fat is just going to piss me off and push me deeper into denial.

If I'm ready to own it, I don't need anyone else to tell me. And it's no one else's business anyhow.

And by the way, it's possible to be fat and gorgeous. That's not to say I am - just that some women can pull it off. Confidence and properly-fitting clothes are two of the necessary ingredients.

RN BSN 2009
10-27-2009, 12:53 PM
some good old fashioned honesty would be refreshing once in a while... LOL.

JulieJ08
10-27-2009, 12:58 PM
Honesty is fine, in my book. You don't need to lie and tell me I look like a size 6 if I weigh 250 pounds. But honesty doesn't equal sharing every thought one has. I personally find a little brain-to-mouth censorship to be quite refreshing! :) And sadly rather unusual these days.

kaplods
10-27-2009, 02:23 PM
I have to say that I've always been acutely aware of my size - I didn't need anyone's "honesty" to point it out to me. What I've found insulting is that it always seemed that the people who wanted to snap me out of "denial" always did it when I was having a good time. It seemed as if they were thinkin "oh that fat girl is having a good time, she must not be aware that she is fat or she wouldn't be so happy, someone should really go and set her straight."

And you know it did burst my bubble, and ruin my good time. Did it motivate me to lose weight? Absolutely not, it just made me feel bad - and more likely to reach for my drug of choice when feeling bad - carbohydrates.

I have real confidence now (and when I was learning, I had to fake it) so I'm not as easily rocked by negative comments - it's not my job to be pleasant to look at. If someone is offended by my size, it's not my job to make them happy by removing me from their sight. I don't have to care if they don't like something about me. I get to decide what I care about, and whether or not to respect the opinions of other people - close friends or strangers.

For several years now, my response to "hey, you're fat," has been if I'm not in a good mood: "No [crap] Sherlock - how long did it take you to figure that out?" and if I'm in a good mood - just hysterical laughter or "Yes, I am - what's your point?"

OF COURSE I'M FAT - but so what? Do I need it pointed out to me? What really is the point and who else should we kick while they're down. Should we tell people "Wow, your social skills really suck, you must be really lonely!"

Or "Your hair looks like crap, you really need a hair cut - or at least a comb?"

or "Are you color blind, or did you just get dressed in the dark,"

or "You slept with him/her already - wow you're really a scank/whore/pig?


I think most of us can do without that kind of honesty.

Stylist83
10-27-2009, 02:30 PM
hahah, i agree ..I always get told "you have such a pretty face" Uhh wait till these pounds come off..I will be a hot momma *LOL* it will be more then the face then..hahahah *LOL* but when they say that it makes me soooo mad!

Thighs Be Gone
10-27-2009, 02:38 PM
What I find odd is the *ONE* person in my life that made comments about my weight when I was my fattest now tries to bring me HORRIBLE foods. Frienemy or what? She also has stopped asking us to come to her house--she actually goes out of her way so we DON'T go over there. I think it's because of her hubby.

Thighs Be Gone
10-27-2009, 02:40 PM
You know though--I have friends that are 110 pounds and I have friends that are triple that. I don't really comment to either of them about their appearances though. I love them because they are THEM!

Iconised Ghost
10-27-2009, 03:33 PM
I agree....why is it ok for someone to tell me I'm too thin when it's NOT ok for them to tell me to lose weight?

My husband and I went to eat dinner at a friend's house. After drinking a few, and while I was eating some chicken enchiladas, the friend said, "Mindi, you look sick. You need to eat some more of that and gain weight."

It's not like I was eating like a bird. I had a plate of two big chicken enchiladas drowned with cheese, along with chips and cheese dip. I was full, and I ate pretty much what my husband ate that night. I'm 5 feet, 8.5 inches tall and weigh 140 pounds. I'm nowhere NEAR underweight for my height.

But why is it ok for him to make me feel like crap about how I look? It wouldn't be ok if I was big again.

Exactly. If people arent willing to make comments about someone's body at a high weight, they shouldnt make comments at all EVER. I hate that people think that at any weight at all it is ok to critique someone else's body

SunnyP
10-27-2009, 04:38 PM
I think most people know when they've put on a bit of extra weight.

I think anyone who's more than 40 to 50 pounds over their ideal weight doesn't need ANYONE to tell them that they "need to lose weight" - they know already.

But who's to judge? Need to lose weight for health reasons? Need to lose weight to look good? To look good to whom?

What I think really IS an issue here, though is this - almost all of us who have had weight challenges, know when we've put on weight. We know when we're getting fat, or when we are fat.

On the other hand, when you get to the low range of things, and if you are used to seeing yourself as FAT, I can see where one would run the risk of getting TOO skinny, and not knowing it. Like actually looking unhealthy/unattractive skinny (by average standards, of course).

So, I think it makes sense that people might tell us that we don't need to lose more weight - because it's hard for us to tell that we're getting too skinny, when our mental image of ourselves is always FAT.

On the other hand, no one needs to tell us when we're getting fat - we know, we know, we know LOL

Starrynight
10-27-2009, 06:07 PM
Well it all really depends. Like, I hate when my mom would keep telling me to not go for seconds or things like that.. I felt so self-conscious every time I wanted to eat as a kid. As a child, it only made me sneak in food when she wasn't looking and eat more than I wanted to, to spite her. So it really all depends.
Do YOU tell your friends that perhaps they should lose a few lbs? It is too much of a touchy subject for everyone to feel comfortable saying anything, especially if they don't know your relationship with your weight. It isn't the same thing as telling a friend that her mascara is running or her shirt is riding up.
Still, I do understand what you mean when people tell you that you don't need to lose weight or things like that. I'd rather someone tell me something like "Good for you!" or "Good luck!" - but some people might go off the deep end and say things like "Wow, that's great, you really should be losing weight", I've never had the luxury to hear something like that, but my friend has. Then again, even that depends.. one of my close friends, almost like a sister at the time, told me that I would be a bombshell if I lost some weight.. but I didn't mind because at the time I voiced my desire to lose weight, and she didn't mean it maliciously b/c she already told me that she thinks I'm pretty and don't realize it.
I just think that unless you specify how you feel, or ask them to support you, or if your friends really don't know how you feel about them saying anything, they revert to stereotypical polite responses like "oh you don't need to".
Then there are those that really DO think you are fine at the weight you are. I've had numerous people tell me earnestly that to them I look proportionate and fine, and my boyfriend has always voiced that he loves my size (even at my highest) - but once I explained to them what it means to me and that its more so for my health than vanity, they started being more encouraging whenever I would bring up my weight and diet - they wouldn't stalk me and watch my every bite though, they still respected decisions I made b/c they are mine alone, afterall.

Havisham
10-27-2009, 07:25 PM
I think most people know when they've put on a bit of extra weight.

On the other hand, when you get to the low range of things, and if you are used to seeing yourself as FAT, I can see where one would run the risk of getting TOO skinny, and not knowing it. Like actually looking unhealthy/unattractive skinny (by average standards, of course).

So, I think it makes sense that people might tell us that we don't need to lose more weight - because it's hard for us to tell that we're getting too skinny, when our mental image of ourselves is always FAT.

On the other hand, no one needs to tell us when we're getting fat - we know, we know, we know LOL

This is So true. A girl I work with was carrying a few extra pounds - nothing major. She decided to quit junk food and just stopped - hasn't had fries in three years. She dropped a ton of weight - but now she looks too thin. And, of course, no-one wants to tell her she's too skinny...plus when you mention how she lost it she always says she didn't do anything particular, just cut out junk, so she's got nothing to stop doing...if you see what you mean.

Cali Doll
10-27-2009, 07:27 PM
Losing a lot of weight is a big threat to other people, especially people who may have previously thought that they were better, prettier, skinnier, or stronger than you. In their minds they higher upper in the looks department than you and now you're in contention for a better spot on your mutual social circle maybe? You losing weight may feel challenging to their own sensibilities so the only thing they can do is urge you to get back to the weight that made them comfortable. It's really an acceptable form of discrimination if you think about it.

I believe this is very true.

And yes, it's more acceptable to be too skinny than it is to be too fat. People call me "skinny" all the time. I know they mean it as a compliment (and I certainly don't take offense) but if the situation were reversed and I was gaining weight they wouldn't call me "fatty".

Windchime
10-27-2009, 10:01 PM
I've had numerous people tell me earnestly that to them I look proportionate and fine, and my boyfriend has always voiced that he loves my size (even at my highest) - but once I explained to them what it means to me and that its more so for my health than vanity, they started being more encouraging whenever I would bring up my weight and diet - they wouldn't stalk me and watch my every bite though, they still respected decisions I made b/c they are mine alone, afterall.

It's too bad that vanity isn't considered a "good enough" reason for some people. Why is your health a good enough reason, but not your desire to look better? I agree that health is a very good reason indeed, but honestly--a lot of heavy people are pretty darn healthy, at least for the time being. Why is it that thinner people don't consider vanity a good enough reason? Why must we always justify it with the health argument?

I dunno, maybe I'm just looking at it funny but if someone told me they wanted to lose weight because they want to look better or fit into smaller jeans, I think that's fine.

Windchime
10-27-2009, 10:03 PM
I believe this is very true.

And yes, it's more acceptable to be too skinny than it is to be too fat. People call me "skinny" all the time. I know they mean it as a compliment (and I certainly don't take offense) but if the situation were reversed and I was gaining weight they wouldn't call me "fatty".

See, I don't really think that being called "skinny" is a compliment. To me, it's the flip side of "fatso". It might just be the way I interpret it, but "skinny" sounds unhealthy. Like all ribs and bones and lank hair and hollowed-out eyes. I'd rather be called "slim" or trim or fit or something like that, than "skinny". Maybe that's because I was really, really thin in Jr. High....thin and tall. I got called "skinny" a lot back then and I think it hurt my feelings because I took it as a criticism.

Cali Doll
10-27-2009, 10:22 PM
See, I don't really think that being called "skinny" is a compliment. To me, it's the flip side of "fatso". It might just be the way I interpret it, but "skinny" sounds unhealthy. Like all ribs and bones and lank hair and hollowed-out eyes. I'd rather be called "slim" or trim or fit or something like that, than "skinny". Maybe that's because I was really, really thin in Jr. High....thin and tall. I got called "skinny" a lot back then and I think it hurt my feelings because I took it as a criticism.

I'm looking at the intent only. And the intention is to compliment me on my weight loss. I am just wondering, though, if you're going to comment on someone's slender build (skinny, slim, trim, whatever) why isn't it OK to comment on someone's heavy build. It goes back to it being more OK to be underweight than it is to be overweight.

Windchime
10-27-2009, 11:01 PM
I'm looking at the intent only. And the intention is to compliment me on my weight loss. I am just wondering, though, if you're going to comment on someone's slender build (skinny, slim, trim, whatever) why isn't it OK to comment on someone's heavy build. It goes back to it being more OK to be underweight than it is to be overweight.

Yes, I agree with you on this...people do seem to feel this way. Sad but true. :(

Thighs Be Gone
10-28-2009, 01:02 PM
Yep, I agree. When I was losing I was called a "skinny *****" by someone I don't even know very well. What would have been the reaction if I had said, "fat *****" back to her?

Oh, also..wannabeskinny...i think your paragraph about weight loss being threatening is exactly spot on as I have experienced it. It isn't in my head. It really DOES happen!

carter
10-28-2009, 03:04 PM
There is no doubt that it is more acceptable to be thin than to be fat, and even more acceptable to be too thin than to be too fat.

Yet, try telling someone who is unhealthily thin that she should "eat a sandwich" - I guarantee she'll be offended.

KateRN
10-28-2009, 11:10 PM
Its certainly a touchy subject. When I was a child, I got *a lot* of feedback about my appearance that really shaped me.

From my uncle "You should cut back on those Pringles, boys don't like fat girls." (I was 6 years old.)

From my mom, when I was wearing stretch pants and an oversized t shirt that I got used to wearing for dance classes. "You know, those really aren't flattering to your body."

From my grandmother, when I was about 8 years old - a gift of handheld weights, a jump rope, ankle weights and an exercise VHS tape.

However, it was a regular thing in our house - almost every afternoon - to go to 7-11 and get a soda, a bag of chips and a candy bar. Everytime I agreed to go to preschool, I got mcdonalds. After every horseback riding lesson, I got a quarterpounder, a strawberry shake and fries.

Then my mom had a gastric bypass surgery when I was 11 and then my views on food got really weird. I started trying to keep up with her diet. I remember being VERY proud of eating a "half sandwich" - 1 piece of bread, sans crust, folded in half with 1 piece of fat free cheese. I started learning about calories and kept mine at about 700-800. I started exercises, to a dangerous degree for a 12 year old, walking 7 or 8 miles, then going to the gym and doing weights and swimming. I obsessed, though. I was *hungry* and would stop at 7-11 on my marathon walks, spend my babysitting money and BINGE in the alley behind the place. I started using my parents exlax after the binge because I genuinely thought it would negate the binge. The PAIN of the massive dose of exlax (that I really didnt genuinely understand) was something I felt I deserved for eating when I 'knew i shouldn't'. I did sit ups, left lifts and push ups in bed at night. I'd make a point to wiggle my legs around when I was sitting to burn extra calories. I did lose a lot of weight (nearly 50lbs in less than 3 months) - considering my start weight was 160s, it was fairly drastic. What did all of that get me? Excessive praise.

BUT - when I was 14, at 5'6" and 142lbs, working out very regularly, I was told by a close, respected family friend. "You need to stop working out. Women who exercise look manly and muscular. No man will want to marry a manly woman." At that moment, I made a conscious decision to stop working out. It wasn't that my obsessive eating disorder was to obtain a picture in my mind of what I wanted to look like. I wasn't trying to be "thin", I was young and trying to be ACCEPTED. I wanted boys to like me. I wanted my family and friends to like what I looked like. I didn't want negative comments. I just wanted praise. But even when I did what I thought I needed to, I still did not get praise from everyone.

Then, at various points throughout the rest of my life, I've gotten mixed messages. "I like big women." "I hate fat chicks." "You'd be so pretty if..." "You don't need to lose any weight, why in the world are you dieting??" "Have you ever tried slimfast??"

After so long, it has generally come down to this lesson that i've learned:

No one is going to be happy with what I look like. Most people genuinely don't care what I look like and the people who are focused on it do not matter. You cannot trust what anyone else says about your appearance to be true, healthy or good advise. Most times, they are speaking from their own fears and prejudices. I was too chubby a 6 year old for my uncle, not too chubby for daily mcdonalds to family, too muscular for family friends and anorexia/bulemia/compulsive exercising suited me well to most people, except other people who thought muscular women were not suitable for men.

As an adult, I can say - I don't CARE if i look like anyone's idea of what a man wants. I can say, your idea of what I should be doesn't matter to me. My HEALTH does. Gaining 100 lbs was no more healthy than my raging eating disorder that I still fight to this day. It's hard to lose weight in a healthy manner when you know that what you did before melted weight off. I don't care if you don't think what I am wearing is flattering. Does it make ME feel good about myself? Does my doctor think I am putting myself in danger? Is my weight putting me at risk for disease? Am I satisfied with myself?

It was a looonnnggg lesson, but a valuable one, I think. It also has really cemented my ideas on how I will raise my kids (when I have them) and the values about self image that I want to impart on them.

Society projects the importance of thin-ness enough, I do not need loved ones telling me whats wrong or right with me to their ideal too.