Weight Loss Support - DH is cheap! Rant-ish




View Full Version : DH is cheap! Rant-ish


EveLHaelf
10-17-2009, 03:52 PM
A few months ago, when I started my journey, I was looking at dumbells at wal mart. My hubby didn't like the price of the dumbells they had so he pointed to these 'adjustable' ankle/wrist weights that you just wrap around and you can add the little sand packets to make it heavier up to 5 pounds. I really didn't like the look of them, but I decided not to insist on an actual dumbell and just make him happy. I've been using them a lot and I've maxed them out. I need more than 5 pounds!

So when we went to walmart last night, I start looking in the dumbell section again and once again he points to the cheaper stuff. An exact replica of what I already have but instead of only 5 pounds it goes up to 10. I am DONE with that crap! the velcro scratches my arms and knuckles all to he** and they are unstable and have dropped the little sand bags out almost on my toes. They are crap crap crap! And I feel like I've endured them long enough to deserve an actual pair of dumbells! :tantrum:

And since I've been looking at getting Chalean Extreme (a weight training dvd set), I want to save us some money in the long run and get the bowflex select tech ones instead of having to buy pair after pair of bigger and bigger dumbells. You can imagine how my DH is reacting, considering he didn't want to spend 20 dollars for a real set of dumbells. :eek:

I haven't really been doing much weight training yet and I want to start getting serious about it because I've read how beneficial it can be and I want to give my body the best chance at being strong and fit. I honestly don't think I'm being unreasonable by wanting these dumbells because we can afford it! We won't go without food or miss paying a bill if we spring for these and that is exactly how he is acting.

When he was building his very own road bike, he wouldn't think twice about dropping 150-300 bucks for a part he needed but when it's something for me he wants to get all frugal. :shrug:

I have a job, I also contribute to the fundage and I feel like I should be able to splurge once in a while....RAR

Sorry it was looong I needed to get it out.


Sunnigummi
10-17-2009, 04:03 PM
Mr. Sunni acts that way too until I explain to him why I don't like something or that I read negative reviews (that ALWAYS wins him over, he's super big on reviews) that said A, B and C. I don't know your DH at all or the convos you guys have had, but have you tried appealing to his logical side? Maybe all he hears from you is "I want THIS!" but without a reason? Once you mention all the knuckle scraping and inconvenience, then he might come around.

I have to say it does suck being a financial contributor to the family and still having to justify a purchase. Do you have a birthday or anniversary coming up? Maybe insist on it as a present? OR you could wait until Black Friday and get it for a discount then... Thanksgiving's not too far away... :hug: Hope it works out!

EveLHaelf
10-17-2009, 04:14 PM
Sunni,

That is some good advice! I do have trouble communicating sometimes when he wants to automatically say no. I tend to clam up and get all pouty. (I swear I'm not 2 years old! lol!!!) I think I will work on a list of all the pros and explain to him why I don't like the other ones. I will even shop around online to find the best deal.

And as for special days coming up that is another excellent idea. Our anniversary is dec 28th X mas is coming up and my b day is in february. So that should take care of everything I need, lol. I'm just impatient sometimes and I hate to wait.

Thanks for the advice! We've only been married a year and 9 months so we're both still learning about sharing the finances. :p


Chrissykin
10-17-2009, 04:17 PM
I don't work and if I wanted them I would get them so as aworking, contributing partner you have every right to get them. After ten years my hubby knows better than to say something.

kaplods
10-17-2009, 04:23 PM
My husband is a bit the same way. He's not even aware that he's doing it. When he wants something, he doesn't compare the cost like I do. I am much more frugal, and generally do look for the best price. I really think hubby is just jumping on the bandwagon, and thinking "oh I can help her find the best price, because the best price is important to her."

(I'm not saying that this is true of your husband, maybe he is a tightwad for anything that isn't important to him).

I tend to interpret it as he's being cheap when it comes to something for me. Which causes an argument (or the silent treatment from me). I'm learning to just say "this is the one I want," and repeating it until he gets it.

We are both on disability so we do tend to do everything together. I have lousy hand-eye coordination and balance so I don't drive. Our new apartment though is very close to the bus stop, so I'm planning on doing alot more shopping alone, so I don't have to justify every purchase (because I feel the need to. When hubby asks "what do you need that for," he says he's only being curious, but I tend to interpret it sarcastically and as a criticism. Shopping alone will be much less stressful).

I think that for big purchases, couples should discuss the expense/budget, but if an item is for, or primarily going to be used by only one person - that person gets to pick it out.

If shopping alone is an option, I'd vote for that. It's one thing to discuss the budget ahead of time, and together decide on a certain amount for the purchase, but sometimes it easier to shop alone than with a significant other. If shopping alone isn't an option, or you don't like the idea, reminding him of the cost of HIS toy purchases is not unfair unless you do it in a nasty way.

Glory87
10-17-2009, 04:41 PM
Thanks for the advice! We've only been married a year and 9 months so we're both still learning about sharing the finances. :p

I would recommend a joint account, to which you both contribute and how it if comes all household/couple expenses - mortgage, groceries, utilities, insurance, going out together.

Then, you each get a personal account, with a portion of your paycheck going into it each month. That is your money to do with whatever you will. It's also great for holiday shopping for the other person.

No more asking permission for small, personal expenses.

VernDern
10-17-2009, 04:50 PM
Aww sorry! My boyfriend thinks buying bottled water is a waste of money because he doesnt mind the tap water and I cant stand it so I go without it. But on the lines of the dumbells I just went out and bought them and they have been sitting around now for a couple days and he hasnt asked and I havnt told! haha

I would just go buy them, especially if you have a job and your own money! Im pretty independent though so yea...lol

Goodluck! Hope you get a good set of dumbells! =)

L144S
10-17-2009, 05:28 PM
we just sold a weight set on craigs list so I suggest you check that out and freecycle and see if you can find what you want for less money

Windchime
10-17-2009, 07:00 PM
You've only been married a short time so I am assuming that you are also young (big assumption, I know, so please forgive me if you're not a young 'un! :) ). Here is my advice: I would nip this in the bud right now. You're working, but even if you were a SAHM, you have the right to have a little spending money of your own that you can spend on what you want, without having to justify it to anyone. I spent years in a relationship where I had to ask and justify every purchase, and I don't recommend that for anyone. You are an equal partner in your relationship and if you aren't, you should be. This isn't a parent-child relationship; this is a relationship of equals.

I like the idea of each person getting a personal allowance. It doesn't have to be huge, but that would definitely make these kinds of conversations moot because you wouldn't have to beg and ask (like a child) for something you want.

Grrrrrrrr. You can tell this is an issue for me! I'm kind of contrary so I'd probably buy the weights and then stare him down, daring him to argue about it. Maybe that's why I'm still single after all these years, LOL!!! :)

shcirerf
10-17-2009, 07:00 PM
I would recommend a joint account, to which you both contribute and how it if comes all household/couple expenses - mortgage, groceries, utilities, insurance, going out together.

Then, you each get a personal account, with a portion of your paycheck going into it each month. That is your money to do with whatever you will. It's also great for holiday shopping for the other person.

No more asking permission for small, personal expenses.


I agree, or get a portion out of each of your own checks in cash for misc purchases. With both of you working, you shouldn't have to justify $20.

DH and I have separate accounts. He pays some bills, I pay some and buy the groceries. It's all about equal. We collaborate on large extra expenses like tires, etc. Then, whatever we do with what's left is up to the individual.

rockinrobin
10-17-2009, 07:32 PM
I don't think that DH is cheap. I think that he is controlling. And that needs to be dealt with.

This is something you have to settle NOW. This is not how it's supposed to be. If there is something that you need that is going to benefit both of your lives (& even if it WERE just something frivolous) like the weights, you shouldn't have to "ask permission" for it. No. No. No.

I urge you to discuss this with your DH and come to some sort of agreement. You're a big girl, an adult in fact. You are partners. This is not where he's the father and you're the child. He shouldn't be solely in charge of the money and/or you. Perhaps you may be better off with a joint account AND a separate account. Don't let this get out of hand.

Ryanne
10-17-2009, 08:07 PM
I would just say "I'm getting these" or better yet, "I got these".
There are a pair of shoes I want for walking, they are like 150.00, well, I went shopping for walking shoes the other day, because I literally wore my other ones out, and I paid 50.00 for a pair of "inferior" walking shoes, and am disappointed with them. Now if I would have just put that 50.00 towards the ones I really wanted, I would have comfortable walking shoes.
Now I have to wait a couple of weeks...and will save these shoes for wearing to the pool next summer.
I say, get what you want, you are more likely to use it.
I NEED good walking shoes, because I walk a LOT! I hope I never cheat myself again, and just get the stuff I really need and want.
I don't waste money in other areas, so this is not something that is a "regular" spending habit.
Plus, I don't think my husband would feel bad about spending that on a computer game.
:rollpin::D

Me Too
10-17-2009, 10:47 PM
Men, mine is the same way and worse, that's why we are separating, I just can't take it anymore.
Good luck, and stand up for your rights now before years down the road you realize you have lost yourself.
Fighting my way back.

EveLHaelf
10-18-2009, 12:12 AM
Yes, I am a young 'un! :D I'm 22.

I like the idea of having separate 'spending' accounts. I will be having a discussion with him about it.

I have, from time to time, gotten the impression of being the child asking daddy for permission. It really bothers me, but I'm not sure how to bring it up to him without starting a fight. He has used phrases in the past that went like: "Why should I spend $xxx amount of my money when the house chores aren't being done?"

Makes me wanna smack him.....

shcirerf
10-18-2009, 12:53 AM
Oh, Oh, OH! Do not start with me about "HOUSEHOLD CHORES"

If I can help you change a motor, haul the wheat to the elevator, run the level in the ditch to get our sewer lines(aka poo) running downhill, help you hook up the farm equipment, scoop my own snow cuz you're already at work, change a radiator and starter with only your directions over the phone, cuz you're out of town working, pull a calf, change a car battery, and on and on, DO NOT HARP TO ME ABOUT HOUSEHOLD CHORES! You taught me to do all these things, cuz you said I needed to know, (don't get me wrong, I'm glad I know), BUT, the stove, the washer, dryer, dog dish, dishwasher, vacuum, carpet shampooer, dust rag, window cleaner, are not friggin rocket science!

We BOTH WORK! Household chores need to be shared. My Dh is a big fan of fresh hashbrowns, I hate to peel potatoes, so he peels the potatoes. No big deal. HE"S happy to do it so he can have hashbrowns, HE will do laundry, load the dishwasher, (I never b***H about how he does it), take out the trash, vacuum, scrub the toto, dust, shake rugs, rub me down after a tough day at work, etc.

WE, both live here, WE both eat, WE both have dirty clothes, WE both have vehicles, WE both have laundry, WE both have jobs, WE brings me chicken soup and 7up when I'm sick, WE brings him ramen noodles and nyquil when he is sick, WE rub each others aching bodies after a hard day at work, WE take long relaxing bubble baths together, WE, puts up with my foster dogs, WE puts up with some of his dumb friends, WE both have to share in this journey as a married couple, therefore WE both have to be willing to pitch in and do whatever it takes to make the WE work. NO ONE CHORE should ever be gender based. And no one should be valued as more or less, in the relationship by the amount of money they make.

My Dh used to work out of town a lot! Like 6 mos. at a time, while I was at home with the kids, managing everything, I always did fine, yet he'd get home and whine about stuff, I finally had a fit and told him if he didn't like it, I hoped the door didn't hit him on the *** on the way out.

We've been married 32 years!
My biggest piece of advice is this, there is nothing wrong with compromise, but, DO NOT BE DOORMAT! People wipe their feet on doormats. If you let him treat you that way, so will everyone else.

It may be a tough pill to swallow, but my aunt, bless her, explained it wonderfully.

A marriage is NOT 2 people, it's 3. It's you, your spouse, and the marriage. The marriage is the 3rd person. You and your spouse need to be able to be the people you are as individuals, and weave the 2 of you into the 3rd person, the marriage. If you can't do that, it won't work.

Serendipity
10-18-2009, 12:58 AM
His money and your chores? Yeah, I'm agreeing with the other posters, you need to nip this in the bud.

Thighs Be Gone
10-18-2009, 01:26 AM
I don't work outside my home. BUT I work plenty inside my home! If I need something and it's within budget I get it. If hubby said anything I would have to go whoop-*** on him. :)

Arctic Mama
10-18-2009, 02:38 AM
Well I don't know, as a SAHM and wife I have a different perspective on this - I ALWAYS run purchases by my husband if it is more than a few dollars, and he does the same with me. It is OUR money and kids, home, marriage, etc etc but we are working on reducing out debt and spending responsibily, and he is the one who handles our accounts because he is better at it than me. When he asks me not to purchase something or to wait, it is not him being controlling but rather protecting our family by managing our funds more wisely.

He's not usually saying 'no' to be a jerk, but because we can't afford it at the current time without incurring more debt. And when we are budgeted to the last cent, sometimes $20 purchases have to wait a few weeks until the timing is better for our family. It is out of love and care for our family that he sometimes curtails my spending habits, not to be a controlling jerk. When we married we mutually agreed upon not making purchases that would be a financial issue for us, and so sometimes that means going without. That's just the nature of being a young family with kids and some debt from our marriage, house repairs, health expenses, etc.


I agree with the other posters that you two need to sit down and have a conversation about what money can possibly be allotted to an 'entertainment' budget for each of you to spend as you see fit, without the other's permission to spend it. It may be that you just haven't talked it out and thus are on different pages as to how you want to manage your finances.

Different things work for different families, but I personally have issues with separate accounts. I feel better workig jointly and in harmony wih my husband on our spending, and that requires transparency in ALL financial transactions. Our money and resources are too scarce to not be in sync with one another as to where it is going.

My husband is a lot more of a penny pincher than me, and more pragmatic (engineer), so he is apt to be more frugal and utilitarian than me on personal purchases. I understand that and he understands MY desires - so beyond basic monetary issues he trusts my judgment on what I want to spend on myself and vice versa. That trust and understanding took a few months of marriage to figure out - but it is worth it to alleviate discord in our financial outlooks. We blended everything else when we got married - bank accounts and spending habits had to follow as well; and it was an adjustmen for both of us.

Stella
10-18-2009, 07:19 AM
Yes, we went through this when I bought my treadmill: "What`s wrong with running in the forest?" He`s now changed his mind as he sees me using it and losing weight.

If you use it enough to make a difference to your body, nothing will be too expensive (unless you can`t afford it).

If you dislike it so much that you don`t ever use it the cheap stuff is still too expensive!

Stella
10-18-2009, 07:28 AM
DH and I have separate accounts. He pays some bills, I pay some and buy the groceries. It's all about equal. We collaborate on large extra expenses like tires, etc. Then, whatever we do with what's left is up to the individual.

We do the same, and it works really well for both of us. Neither of us would want it any other way. He has some spending habits which I don`t agree with and vice versa, but as it`s not my/his money we do not argue about it.

Stella

paris81
10-18-2009, 10:19 AM
He has used phrases in the past that went like: "Why should I spend $xxx amount of my money when the house chores aren't being done?"
.....

Maybe it's time to remind him that the words "wife" and "maid" don't mean the same thing! :dizzy:

I can imagine this is frustrating for you, and hard to bring up because no one wants to fight. But I agree with the other posters, and your own statements, he's equal, not your superior, and this doesn't seem to be really all about money. Good luck! :hug:

midwife
10-18-2009, 10:27 AM
We have 1 account that all the money gets dumped into and bills, savings, etc., get paid out of. We consult each other on big ticket items (>$100 or so). If I wanted/bought something and he made a comment about the condition of the house, it would not be pretty, I guarantee it. I am the primary breadwinner at this time but that is irrelevant. I have been a SAHM and it was the same then. You guys need to have a heart to heart about this.

ubergirl
10-18-2009, 10:43 AM
Have recently moved to the separate account situation after 20 years of marriage, and BOY was that liberating. My parents did it after 40 years of marriage and they said the same....

We each keep a little money on the side for ourselves. My DH has never said A WORD about anything I have spent over the years, and visa versa... we each contribute equally to the household finances and roughly equally for household chores-- he cleans, cooks, and watches the kids and so do I, depending on who is home at the time.

BUT it's so hard for me to spend on myself. I feel guilty EVERY SINGLE time I buy something for myself. Consequently, I've walked around in raggedy clothes and denied myself things for years. Whenever I think money is tight, I cut out things for myself-- shoes, hair cuts, whatever...

For a long time, we were close to broke all the time-- both of us spent years getting graduate degrees-- but now we're more comfortable...

I wish we had set up small personal spending accounts since the beginning... even it was just five dollars a weeks.

If you're the self-sacrificing, put yourself last type then having a little bit of your own money can go a huge way!

EveLHaelf
10-18-2009, 11:30 AM
Well, I tried to have that heart to heart with him last night but he wasn't having any of that. So I walked away to give him a cooling off period and will try again today when I get home from work.

I explained to him how the cheap weights I have now are crap and how they scratch and fall apart and what not and he now understands why I want something better. I also told him that I am an adult, and when I want something, it's not just because 'I WANT IT!!' I do research, and make sure it's really what I want and when I finally decide it's the best item for what I need, I don't need him second guessing me just because it might be a bit spendy. So we made a little progress.

I just wanna add that I'm not completely innocent in this either. I HATE to clean and I've developed a few bad habits like not throwing away trash and letting the dishes go for too long. And when the mess starts to bother him, he will clean it up. He has told me he gets frustrated because he feels like he is the only one that is cleaning. So I do need to suck it up and start cleaning on a more regular basis and work on MAINTAINING a clean house once it gets there. But you are all right, the condition of the house should not matter when I want to buy something.

Thank you all for your advice and encouragement. Reading from you ladies empowers me to stand up for myself! I'll let you know how the second talk goes!
:hug:'s to all

Tomato
10-18-2009, 11:36 AM
I personally find your husband's behaviour controlling and I would not be able to live with it. I assume that you do not make unjustified purchases left and right so he thinks this is just another one of those expenses. But he shouldn't, you have "proved" to him that the substitues are not as good as the real thing. Besides, this your health and your well-being we are talking about here. You earn your salary and contribute to the household and you are entitled to buy stuff that you need. We are not even talking about anything expensive, it's just darn dumbells!

I see that some posters are in favour of separate accounts. I look at it differently, because unless both partners make the same amount, the person earning less will be shortchanged. Not to mention the fact that we still live in a society where women are getting paid less when doing the same work as their male counterparts (don't get me started on that). I have always preferred a joint account and always will. Big purchases need to be discussed and okayed by both spouses, but a pair of dumbells?!?!?

TXMary2
10-18-2009, 11:43 AM
I have been married 15 years and here is what I know in my marriage. It is much easier to ask forgiveness than permission. So, I say, buy what you want and say, "Sorry honey, I thought it would be ok since it was necessary for my good health." Buy what you need.

MeowMix
10-18-2009, 01:10 PM
I agree with Tomato. It's a pair of $20 dumbbells. Really. I know in my family that sometimes $20 dollars spent on something that can wait can mean not getting what we need to live but we're also 3 people on 1 small income. As you said, you work and you aren't hurting for money here. If he can go spend $100's on bike parts without blinking an eye, you should be able to get a some $20 dumbbells.

Seriously. If it was a $$$$ piece of equipment then yes, it would need to be discussed. But dumbbells? Come on.

Stella
10-18-2009, 01:54 PM
The cleaning is a totally separate issue and should not come into it. The fact that he even mentions it sounds like he may want to punish you by withholding the $ 20.00? You shouldn`t have to work for something like that.

If you do not earn any money, how about him giving you a fixed monthly allowance for your personal requirements, and you agree that you can spend that as YOU see fit, w/a him interfering?

This soujns reasonable if there is only one income.

Cali Doll
10-18-2009, 02:20 PM
The cleaning is a totally separate issue and should not come into it.

I agree. It sounds like you are working for your keep or something.

juliastl27
10-18-2009, 03:40 PM
my husband is the CHEAPEST man alive. seriously, this is a man who wont buy PAPER TOWELS because theyre "for rich people". i dont work either but i get a stipend from my school. i dont think it matters who works, once you get married the $$ is joint. i help pay bills with my money and have to talk to him before i buy something costly.

that being said, i like the wrist and ankle weights, lol. i use them when i walk though and not for strength training. maybe i have different ones tho b/c mine dont ever bother me.

go buy yourself some dumbbells!!

EveLHaelf
10-18-2009, 06:18 PM
It is much easier to ask forgiveness than permission. So, I say, buy what you want and say, "Sorry honey, I thought it would be ok since it was necessary for my good health."

I LOVE this! I'm absolutely going to do this in the future. :lol:

And you ladies are right. The cleaning issue shouldn't even be brought up when I want to buy something. That's the kind of crap my mom would pull. I shouldn't be getting it from my husband!

I'm gonna be gettin' me some dumbells! :carrot:

Wannabeskinny
10-18-2009, 10:08 PM
Good lord I hope you get this sorted out for yourself soon, because the longer you let your husband control all the finances the harder it will be to change it later. I've been married for 2.5 years and I know how difficult it is for newlyweds to set the rules of their game.

Number one, you should be equal partners, the way you describe his attitude is that of a parent scolding a child who didn't get a good grade in school. You're not being graded or tested for housecleaning duties. Sure, you could stand to do a little better as you say but what does one have to do with the other? Witholding money is just as bad as witholding sex - what's the point if not for a sense of control.

My husband is frugal as well and every little purchase I made was hard for him to understand "But don't you already have a lipstick???" The truth is that men are idiots. So I followed my Mother's advice and got my own account. I buy things but I never tell him about it, like shoes, clothes, dumbells, etc. He never notices them and there's nothing to fight about.... no I'm not being deceptive - I am an equal participant in our household expenses and savings. Men don't need to know everything that goes into being a woman.

Don't be afraid to start an argument - this is worth fighting for:s:

EveLHaelf
10-18-2009, 10:56 PM
Good lord I hope you get this sorted out for yourself soon, because the longer you let your husband control all the finances the harder it will be to change it later. I've been married for 2.5 years and I know how difficult it is for newlyweds to set the rules of their game.

Number one, you should be equal partners, the way you describe his attitude is that of a parent scolding a child who didn't get a good grade in school. You're not being graded or tested for housecleaning duties. Sure, you could stand to do a little better as you say but what does one have to do with the other? Witholding money is just as bad as witholding sex - what's the point if not for a sense of control.

My husband is frugal as well and every little purchase I made was hard for him to understand "But don't you already have a lipstick???" The truth is that men are idiots. So I followed my Mother's advice and got my own account. I buy things but I never tell him about it, like shoes, clothes, dumbells, etc. He never notices them and there's nothing to fight about.... no I'm not being deceptive - I am an equal participant in our household expenses and savings. Men don't need to know everything that goes into being a woman.

Don't be afraid to start an argument - this is worth fighting for:s:

You're right.

Men just don't get us! I hate having to explain to him why I need so many different smelling lotions, lol.

I have a feeling that when I get to my goal weight and start loving clothes again, he will not understand that either! :dizzy:

ringmaster
10-18-2009, 11:41 PM
I didn't read the other posts yet so don't know if it was mentioned...

If the weights are too expensive there is always those tubing/bands, and CLX shows you how to use them. They are a little tricky to get the hang of, but they can be challenging.

I don't have the SelectTechs, but I read alot of people finding them cheaper on craigslist, so maybe keep an eye there or in the paper. Sometimes dumbbells go on sale.. but yeah, they can get expensive.. (I remember a few years ago when they were still cents a pound, wish I would of got them all then!) Maybe tell your husband he could use and benefit from them too. :smug: