I'm not sure if this is considered appropriate for 3FC, but I did notice there was a LGBT thread on here, so I hope this is okay. I need some serious advice/support. Basically, my "GF" just "came out" to her parents again; but this time she let slip the little fact that "she" is in fact a "he" and is going to go through with top surgery, as well as Testosterone in the near future. Sam told her mother, which apparently devastated her. She proclaims that she can't eat or sleep (which I know to be false as we're currently living in the same house). Now there's constant fighting, day and night whenever her Dad isn't around, because he wasn't supposed to know. Sam's mom said there was no way she was telling him, but apparently turned around and informed him a few days ago (i wondered why he was giving me a fairly annoyed look). All I hear practically all day long is her yelling about how it's wrong, it goes against God and that we don't know what we're doing. She keeps insinuating that we're doing it to be accepted, when the fact is that Sam is straight, and I'm just open minded. Sam's mom keeps kicking up dust and starting fights left and right over things that are completely unrelated. I'm not kidding, she's looking to pick fights any chance she gets. She says she doesn't want to talk about it, and then keeps bringing it up in conversations and pulling Sam aside for talks. She's slamming doors and storming around the house, saying some choice things about me when I'm not in the room even though I can hear through the thin walls. She also keeps making comments like "I don't know who put this idea in you head", "you're being influenced", and similar comments hinting that she thinks I'm all to blame. She outright scoffed at Sam's mention of accepting who she loves-- yes, she thinks our love is a joke. Right now I'm just really worried about the stability of our living arrangement. We both lost our jobs and apartment after a car accident a few months back, and have since been living here. We pay for bills, our own food, and even $100-200/mo to support her mother's Chiropractic appointments. It just seems like we're not going to be here much longer with the way things are going; we're still receiving medical treatment from a Chiropractor, and thus still accruing bills for the injury claim. Until we get that claim money from the car accident, there's no way we can afford to live on our own. Now my GF is talking about stopping our Chiropractic treatment and asking our lawyer to make a demand for money. It's premature, and we won't be able to get all our expenses paid. I don't know how to live, stuck between a cliff's edge and a rampaging bull. Please, please help. Any words of encouragement, or understanding would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
10-17-2009, 06:19 AM
Wow. Um, OK. It seems like the first thing to do is stabilize the living situation, even if it means that you and Sam need to live apart for a while. For example, can you find a place to live on your own for a few months. It might help Sam's mom calm down not to see her child and (from her point of view) the person who is putting thoughts in her child's head. Right now, Sam's parents have a lot of control, simply because your in their house. Even if they don't kick you out, they can make your life miserable. (It sounds like they're already doing that, frankly.) I understand that money is tight, but maybe you should start looking for a place for both of you or for each of you separately. Even if you don't move, knowing that you have options can be a comfort.
As far as the transgender thing goes, I think that you really need to get some support from the LGBT community. One red flag I caught is that you refer to Sam using female pronouns (e.g., she/her), which makes me wonder how on board you are with this. I have a list of transgender resources at work, but I'm at home now. I'll try to remember to get them on Monday and post them here. There IS support out there for everyone--you, Sam, Sam's parents. This is a huge, huge change for everyone, and I think that you need to take care of yourself and get some support. If you absolutely cannot move, at the very least, someone in the community can do some mediating with Sam's parents so that your living situation is bearable.
One last thought: IMO, dragging lawyers into this--while understandable--will just up the stakes and make it harder to maintain a relationship with Sam's parents in the end.
Try to be gentle with yourself and one another. This is a big thing for even the most open-minded person (and parent).
10-17-2009, 10:15 PM
Mags, thank you very much for the advice. It was great to hear some ideas from an outside source. =] Things have settled down a little bit, and all appears to be well for the moment. I'm going to work on a backup plan in case things start getting out of hand again. I'm sorry if I seemed extremely frantic; the atmosphere for the past few days had been nothing if not stressful and trying. I know my mom would probably put me up (at least on the sofa) if worst came to worse; she'd probably house Sam temporarily as well. The situation seems to be looking up, and I'm feeling more optimistic about it today.
"One red flag I caught is that you refer to Sam using female pronouns (e.g., she/her), which makes me wonder how on board you are with this." Let me respond by saying that Sam has requested I refer to her as such. We had a long talk about many things, and one of them was not wanting to cause anymore confrontation or confusion while still living in her parent's house. Neither of us want to set off a dangerous chain reaction to accidentally using the wrong pronoun. She said it would also be a little confusing for her, until she started going through the transition and physically feeling like who she was. I'm respecting those wishes, and have no qualms about referring to her as him. I've always seen her as a guy, even if I knew she was a girl. It's an understanding we've had since the beginning, when our friendship turned relationship. I'm completely comfortable with who she is, regardless of how she refers to herself. It's not about gender, it's about soul, and love. I wish others could see it the same way. :halffull:
Thank you very much for your time & consideration. It meant a lot that someone cared enough to respond.
10-19-2009, 08:51 PM
I'm glad that things are going better. Hopefully, Sam's parents will try to be open-minded and accepting. I apologize if I sounded judgey about the pronoun use. The trans I know insisted on changing their pronouns fairly early into the process, but it certainly makes sense to stick with female pronouns for now, especially given your living situation. And I guess changing pronoun use is a really individual decision, isn't it?
Anyway, here are the resources I have. (I'm keying these in, so if the numbers/URLs don't work, assume that I made a typo and let me know so that I can get you the right info.)
Advocates for Youth www.advocatesforyouth.org
Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network (GLSEN) www.glsen.org
National Coalition for GLBT Youth www.queeramerica.com
National Youth Advocacy Coalition (NYAC) www.nyacyouth.org
Parents and Families of Gays and Lesbians (PFLAG) www.pflag.org
Transgender Youth Support Network www.transyouthsupportnetwork.org
Transyouth Family Allies www.imatyfa.org
LYRIC Youth Talkline 800-246-7743
National LGBT Youth Hotline 800-246-PRIDE
Peer Listening Line for GLBT Youth 800-399-PEER
The Trevor Project 866-488-7386