100 lb. Club - OT-Comments about body




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paris81
10-13-2009, 09:41 AM
I guess this is only kinda OT, since it is about bodies.

So I was at a party over the weekend. My friend's sister just had a baby, two months old right now, cute cute cute. I was holding her. The father (who I had just met that night, although really that shouldn't matter at all) said something about how she liked sleeping on big breasts. There was no doubt that he was talking specifically about my breasts.

I'm asking you ladies this because I figure that we in the 100lbs club are likely to have larger than average breasts, and I'm wondering if you've ever gotten comments like this. People seem to frequently talk about my chest, it is large even for my weight, but mostly it's women, and that I'm usually okay with (although sometimes it does make me uncomfortable). If a guy says something in a pervy way, I'll scold him, but this time, I didn't feel like I could say anything to chastise him. There were lots of people there, and I didn't want him to feel bad. (and now I'm kinda mad at myself for not saying anything, although I know if I did I would feel bad for making a big deal out of it.)

So this is an inappropriate thing to say, right? I mean, come on! Just because it's a baby who likes it doesn't make this comment acceptable. Also, I'm wondering to the men out there, would you ever say this to a woman?


jelder227
10-13-2009, 10:00 AM
Inappropriate? Yes. Definitely. But . . . in his defense. When women go through pregnancy, delivery, breastfeeding, etc. you start having some pretty graphic discussions with your other female friends about these things, and husbands frequently participate. My husband lost a lot of his inhibitions on certain topics around that time. Of course, sleep deprivation could have contributed also. Anyway, I can really imagine my husband making a comment like that when Lance was a baby, meaning absolutely no offense at all. Thank goodness, he seems to have recovered his sense of appropriate comments!

Flip side, the guy could be just a jerk. . .

DCHound
10-13-2009, 10:04 AM
So this is an inappropriate thing to say, right?

Oh, definitely. But new parents are sleep-deprived...I am 100% sure he didn't mean it in a pervy way, nor was it a put down. Maybe his mouth isn't attached to his brain, not to be down on guys but you know that happens a lot.

IMHO, big boobs are a plus. :) I wouldn't have agreed with this statement at 370 lbs, because mine were massive then. But now that I've lost almost 140 lbs, they are a lot more proportionate and they make my clothes fit GREAT. That said, I have one very good friend who is quite overweight and is pretty small up top, and I think she looks great too. She could leave the house without a bra anytime she wanted, that makes me kind of jealous. Personally, if I left the house without a bra, I think I'd be arrested for indecency! I ALWAYS have one on, unless I am in the shower. (38DD)


paris81
10-13-2009, 10:14 AM
I did think of that lowering inhibitions thing when it comes to men who go through a pregnancy with their partners. I guess that's why I'm asking.

I would never go out without a bra either! But I guess I'd be sad if I had that option!

findingfawn
10-13-2009, 10:17 AM
Holey Crap.. If I was that baby's mama, and my hubby made a comment like that out loud about another womans chest I would have knocked him into next year! That was so far out of line, I don't give a crap how "sleep deprived" a new parent may be, that is NO excuse to say anything like that! (And, yes, I do know what it's like to have a newborn.. I have had 4 of them! the youngest just hit 5 months old yesterday). I think if anything having these babies and my hubby seeing me nurse them has made him more respectful of women and more than anything very protective of me and my HUGE chest (which we joke is the reason he married me ;) )

I dont think I would have said anything to him if he had said it to me, but had my hubby been in that same room and heard some guy make a comment about "his girls", he would have had something to say for sure.

findingfawn
10-13-2009, 10:20 AM
I'm also pretty sure that it would take a pretty immature man to have his "inhibitions lowered" over a pregnancy, you would think it would make him grow up, not act like an obnoxious teenager.

jelder227
10-13-2009, 11:01 AM
I'm also pretty sure that it would take a pretty immature man to have his "inhibitions lowered" over a pregnancy, you would think it would make him grow up, not act like an obnoxious teenager.

Actually it did - he really stepped up. Became much more financially responsible, in addition to helping a ton with a newborn in spite of the fact that I was stay at home at that time. Helped and was supportive of me through crazy behaviors, when neither of us realized I was going through severe post-partum until I got suicidal. So, no. You can't say he's immature. But when a man is surrounded by 4 or 5 women who have all just had babies and talk very openly around him, he begins to lose a sense of what other women may consider appropriate.

findingfawn
10-13-2009, 11:17 AM
I think I need to explain why this guys comment bothers me so much... I know how rude it was to Paris, but I see it as very very offensive to his partner. I think it's very very wrong for a man to openly.. what's the word I want here... kind of like oggle, but that's not it... grrrrr anyway... I just think it's very disrespectful to a person he is supposedly so commited to that they created/had a child together for him to be openly noticing another womans body so much so that he blurts it out publicly.

By the way, my hubby is a breast man, always has been, always will be. I know for a fact he checks them out on a regular basis, yes this bothers me to a point, but I know for a fact I have pretty much all of them beat and mine are 100% real. I deal with his looking and know it's just looking... but if he were to start making comments about other womens breasts I would most definately have a problem with it.

Thighs Be Gone
10-13-2009, 11:20 AM
Yes, inappropriate.

I would say he likes what ya got!

I would also say that getting caught up in the excitement of the baby, maybe the baby daddy lost his good sense momentarily.

My hubby wouldn't say anything like that but if he did, POW right to the Moon!

freshmanweightorbust
10-13-2009, 12:01 PM
I got to call "inappropriate" on the comment the guy made to you. I know women who are okay with their husbands joking around or whatever like that, but if it made you uncomfortable, then that's all there is to it. I've had to have a chat with my bff about her husband saying things like that to a mutual friend of ours, because the girl is very strait-laced and he made her genuinely fearful that he was going to put moves on her.

JayEll
10-13-2009, 12:31 PM
I dunno--it just doesn't strike me as highly inappropriate. It doesn't sound like he was saying it in a leering way or anything like that. And why wouldn't a baby like to sleep on larger breasts? Sounds nice, actually.

Jay

JulieJ08
10-13-2009, 12:34 PM
I feel bad for his wife. Her husband is out making comments to people about her breasts. That's a pretty darn big hole in his filter.

cfmama
10-13-2009, 01:53 PM
Is the baby breastfed? I ask this because as a breastfeeding counselor and being around tons of babies AND their daddy's... daddy's often forget that breasts and talk about breasts can be sexual when their wives are using them to feed their children. It just becomes another body part to them for that time... so if there is a lot of boob action going on at home? That's probably part of it.

And I used to have HUGE breasts... 48 G!!!! Breastfeeding for 12 years cumulatively did NOTHING for them ;) lol! Now that they are a 40DD I feel much better about them ;)

GirlyGirlSebas
10-13-2009, 02:13 PM
Just curious. What was his reaction after he said this? Did he leer at you or give you a wink? Was he embarrassed?

FitGirlyGirl
10-13-2009, 03:09 PM
I come from a big family and am an air force wife (lots of baby makin goin on in the air force). I've been around a lot of babies and a lot of new daddies. I have heard that comment many many times, directed at me and at others. They generally don't mean anything bad by it. I have only found myself offended once - when it was followed with one of those looks and "I can't blame him". For that one I very softly (baby sleeping afterall) explained to him that if he spoke to me that way again he would most surely regret it.

paris81
10-13-2009, 05:32 PM
So much feedback, this is great!

I don't think that he meant to be offensive, but it still was offensive, so that's no excuse. Plus there's an age difference, I'm in my late twenties, and he's in his late thrities, so there's that different dynamic as well.

I do know that his wife is not breastfeeding, I'm not sure that she did at all--the baby was in the ICU for some time after being born.

I agree that it would be offensive to his wife--and she wasn't there! (She was at the party, but there were tons of people there, so she didn't hear the statement) Is it better or worse that he said it with her not there? Not really sure. Her dad was definitely there, so...yeah. Weird.

He didn't seem to react at all after he said it, although I didn't really look at him, I just paid attention to the baby. I didn't really want to deal with it.

I guess I'm just disgusted that people think it's okay to say things like this, because like I said, he's not the only one. I don't feel as skeeved out when women do it, but it gets annoying sometimes. This one woman even told me I should have a breast reduction because she was so happy after getting hers reduced! And I had just met her! I mean, come on! That's none of her business! People are so obsessed with boobs! Come on!

findingfawn
10-13-2009, 05:50 PM
Oh Paris, Paris, Paris... I have a feeling though you are quite young, you are an old soul if that makes sense.. please don't take that the wrong way, I'm not much older than you (32) and am an old soul for the most part. We are still mentally in an era where morals were strong. What is really funny when I find people who relate to my way of thinking, usually they are either much much older or they are very religious, which I am neither of.

I think that today's society has made sex too open and it seems like nothing is off limits. It seems to get harder and harder to watch TV, go to the mall, read a magazine, etc without being slightly shocked at the sex that is in it all... and then I wonder how in the world I'm going to keep my 10 year old son from wanting to start exploring in the next few years... or for that matter any of my kids, but he is the oldest and the first I have to worry about. I went to the mall over the weekend for the first time in months and was shocked (as usual) at the 10 foot tall posters of barely there bra wearing women with low cut panties hanging in the Victoria's Secret windows.... how in the world can an ad like that be ok for a public mall where I take my young children?

Anyway.. is it worse that his wife didn't hear it, hmmmm wonder if he would have said it had his wife been there, but he is definately old enough to know to what the word respect means.

GradPhase
10-13-2009, 06:06 PM
I dunno--it just doesn't strike me as highly inappropriate. It doesn't sound like he was saying it in a leering way or anything like that. And why wouldn't a baby like to sleep on larger breasts? Sounds nice, actually.

Jay

I agree! I wouldn't have really thought twice about it, if he wasn't being a creeper when he said it. Boobs are boobs. Babies like boobs. Most men like boobs. Most women like boobs. And they're for babies and reproduction anyway - which is probably a brand new I'm-a-dad-now thought process for him.

PS - I don't think the age difference should make much of a difference. I'm 20, and I've got pretty decently sized breasts (36DD), and I've also been around a LOT of brand spankin' new babies and their brand spankin' new daddies - I would have probably just taken it in stride like a math problem. (Baby + Boobs = Happy baby, in Dad's mind. Maybe he was giving you a compliment about your natural maternal gifts!). But again, if there was a creeper instinct about it, that changes things a little. If anything, maybe it shows a maturity on his part to not always associate breasts with eroticism?

paris81
10-13-2009, 06:46 PM
I agree fawn, there's this weird tension between strong morals and exaggerated displays like the victoria's secret you were posting about. I don't think it has anything to do with religion, some things are just personal!

And eskimo--I don't think it's possible for a man to think about breasts in a non-erotic way. Not to say that he doesn't understand that they are there for feeding the baby, of course he does, but heterosexual men always see breasts as something erotic (even some homosexual men do--they don't have them, it is something foreign!).

And I get the idea that, yes, it probably is more comfortable. But if the baby had been on my stomach, and he had said "I bet the baby is really comfortable on a big belly" since I'm overweight, would that have been okay? No way! Just because large breasts are considered "good" in our culture doesn't make it okay to comment. And I don't think it was a compliment on my "maternal gifts" as breast size has nothing to do with the ability to have or feed children. If he had said I had "good birthing hips", would that have been okay? Again, no way!

I think that men just like to talk about breasts.

I don't know, I just get madder and madder every time I think about it! If I meet him again, and he says something, I will most certainly pull him aside and say something about it.

JulieJ08
10-13-2009, 07:20 PM
Oh Paris, Paris, Paris... I have a feeling though you are quite young, you are an old soul if that makes sense.. please don't take that the wrong way, I'm not much older than you (32) and am an old soul for the most part. We are still mentally in an era where morals were strong.

Or even just basic manners (I'm not talking special forks here), instead anything goes as long as you meant well or didn't think.

findingfawn
10-13-2009, 07:22 PM
I agree fawn, there's this weird tension between strong morals and exaggerated displays like the victoria's secret you were posting about. I don't think it has anything to do with religion, some things are just personal!

And eskimo--I don't think it's possible for a man to think about breasts in a non-erotic way. Not to say that he doesn't understand that they are there for feeding the baby, of course he does, but heterosexual men always see breasts as something erotic (even some homosexual men do--they don't have them, it is something foreign!).

And I get the idea that, yes, it probably is more comfortable. But if the baby had been on my stomach, and he had said "I bet the baby is really comfortable on a big belly" since I'm overweight, would that have been okay? No way! Just because large breasts are considered "good" in our culture doesn't make it okay to comment. And I don't think it was a compliment on my "maternal gifts" as breast size has nothing to do with the ability to have or feed children. If he had said I had "good birthing hips", would that have been okay? Again, no way!

I think that men just like to talk about breasts.

I don't know, I just get madder and madder every time I think about it! If I meet him again, and he says something, I will most certainly pull him aside and say something about it.

haha.. how true! My hubby is definately aware that my breasts are there for feeding the baby, but he also still holds a strong claim to them as his. :devil:

momof5k
10-14-2009, 01:25 AM
Is the baby breastfed? I ask this because as a breastfeeding counselor and being around tons of babies AND their daddy's... daddy's often forget that breasts and talk about breasts can be sexual when their wives are using them to feed their children. It just becomes another body part to them for that time... so if there is a lot of boob action going on at home? That's probably part of it.

I was thinking the same thing! Probably because I am a doula and I teach childbirth and breastfeeding classes all the time so I talk about breasts A LOT :lol: His comment seems completely in line with stuff I have heard (and said) many times :) Breasts are not considered very "sexual" around my house, I guess, so no offense would be taken here.

sidhe
10-14-2009, 07:22 AM
I wonder if he was observing something about his new daughter, and not about you. He sounds like a new father, completely fascinated with everything about his little girl. It probably didn't even occur to him that said breasts actually had a person attached! You said there was no leering and no skeeviness. I wonder if it was something along the lines of "yeah, she really likes being bundled in blankets" or "she likes to sit up more than lie down" (as my nephew did)? That is, it came out of his mouth questionably, but the overall intent had nothing, really, to do with you.

paris81
10-14-2009, 10:08 AM
Yeah, I thought about the breast-feeding issue, but like I said, she's not breastfed, and I don't think she ever was.

I don't think he was thinking too much about me when he made the comment, but I still don't think that excuses it. He was saying something about someone else's body, and it was inappropriate. It made me feel uncomfortable (there, I said it!). Ignorance is not an excuse.

sidhe
10-14-2009, 02:25 PM
Yeah, I thought about the breast-feeding issue, but like I said, she's not breastfed, and I don't think she ever was.

I don't think he was thinking too much about me when he made the comment, but I still don't think that excuses it. He was saying something about someone else's body, and it was inappropriate. It made me feel uncomfortable (there, I said it!). Ignorance is not an excuse.

I can see that. It's reasonable that you would be uncomfortable, because yes it was inappropriate. Under the circumstances, it may be forgivable. You decide that. So where do you go from here? You can speak up for yourself now, or you can speak up for yourself in the future. Decide on your path and stick to your guns. You should feel better.

GradPhase
10-14-2009, 04:43 PM
And eskimo--I don't think it's possible for a man to think about breasts in a non-erotic way.... ... but heterosexual men always see breasts as something erotic (even some homosexual men do--they don't have them, it is something foreign!).



If anything, I think that this sexist stereotyping is much more offensive than a reflective comment about his daughters reaction to something (which unfortunately just happened to be a body part that you're uncomfortable with) that was made with seemingly good intentions.

JulieJ08
10-14-2009, 05:50 PM
Being uncomfortable with people talking about one's breasts is *not* the same thing as being uncomfortable with one's breasts. Not. At. All. I really can't believe that one is supposed to come up with excuses for someone talking to you about your or their wive's breasts.

GradPhase
10-14-2009, 07:02 PM
I wasn't trying to imply that the OP was uncomfortable with her own breasts, OR that she was responsible for making excuses for this guys comment. Just that there are certainly more than one way to look at a situation before passing catty judgment (especially a ridiculous one about an entire genders ability to think beyond their testosterone, which I find really offensive)

paris81
10-14-2009, 07:02 PM
Eskino-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. It's just that all the men I know, those that have had children and those that don't, all sexualize breasts. Maybe I just know a particularly obsessive group of men.

And I'm not uncomfortable with my breats. Not one bit. I, in fact, love my breasts. I'm uncomfortable with a comment on my body. I would have been uncomfortable had he made any comment about my body, regardless of whether or not it could be seen as sexual. I felt more uncomfortable since it was a body part that is generally, especially in our culture, seen as sexual.

JulieJ08
10-14-2009, 07:35 PM
If anything, I think that this sexist stereotyping is much more offensive than a reflective comment about his daughters reaction to something (which unfortunately just happened to be a body part that you're uncomfortable with) that was made with seemingly good intentions.

I wasn't trying to imply that the OP was uncomfortable with her own breasts, OR that she was responsible for making excuses for this guys comment. Just that there are certainly more than one way to look at a situation before passing catty judgment (especially a ridiculous one about an entire genders ability to think beyond their testosterone, which I find really offensive)

Um, OK.

bcort
10-14-2009, 08:38 PM
Well, I would be ticked if a stranger had made a comment like that to me, but I have to agree with him! My sister-in-law is very trim with a small chest. One day I was holding my toddler niece & noticed that as she was sitting in my lap, she kept bouncing her head back and forth between my breasts! It was such a funny thing - she wasn't used to the bigger sized chest, & she was having fun!

(Obviously she didn't "like" my chest better than her mom's, it was just different)