Weight Loss Support - Cried on my birthday - friend said she liked me better when I was thin :(




icmethinner
10-12-2009, 11:18 AM
I had my 42nd birthday this past Friday. Thursday evening one of my best friends decided to tell me that my weight was really out of control and that she liked me better when she first met me and I was exercising and eating healthy. She said she thinks I am dating the guy I am dating because of my weight (he has some weight issues too). She said he is bottom of the barrell and that I am settling for him because of my weight. Truthfully he is a very nice guy and I really like him. He and I both talk about our need to lose weight but over the 5 months we have known each other neither of us has done much about it. I told him (part of) what she said (the parts that would not hurt his feelings) and he said she was right, that we do need to lose weight and that his friends tell him the same thing and that it is just because they care about us, but they forget that we are adults and can make our own decisions. I am motivated now to lose weight, but I am also upset with her because of the things she said about my decisions in life. Anyway....has anyone ever had anyone do something similar to them?


losermom
10-12-2009, 11:26 AM
Wow! She was a little too blunt for me! I too would be hurt. :hug: Only you can make the decision about losing weight and who you choose to date. I'm not so sure that she should have any say in it at all. Is she feeling hurt that you are not spending as much time with her since you've found your new man? She sounds more like a frenemy than friend and she was trying do a mean-spirited intervention on you.

kittycat40
10-12-2009, 11:28 AM
I wonder, did she mean your personality changed? Or that she liked the way you looked when you were slimmer?

When I was at my heaviest I was also very depressed-- so I really was short with everyone and super irritated all the time. That was how my depression manifested itself. I also tended to isolate and be self-centered in all of my misery-- all in all, not a supportive friend.

I guess her statement needs to be clarified.

Regarding the bf, I am glad you have a nice guy!!!


Jacquie668
10-12-2009, 11:36 AM
I just had something like this happen this last weekend, except it wasn't about weight, but something else entirely personal. Family visit and a few family members were debating and talking about my boyfriend, while he sat there, and some of the things that one family member said were absolutely insensitive and just out of bounds. Not that it was intentional, but to be honest, she put her foot in her mouth and I hope she realizes she should "edit" her words next time. lol. She basically was debating with ME and EVERYONE about my boyfriend like she knew him more than his own parents and oh me and him! lol.

I think sometimes people just do not think before they speak. I would be upset with your friend as well and to be frank, it isn't her place to say anything about who you date or what your decisions are. Not saying it was an intentionally malicious thing (though saying the guy you are dating is bottom of the barrel is pretty offensive), I agree she probably cares, but sometimes it is an important lesson to know when to shut up lol.

The thing is, if you are a true friend then you like someone because you like them. You're a grown woman, a beautiful one at that, and hearing what she thinks about who you are dating is absolutely out of bounds. Me, I would set up the boundaries and explain that it isn't up to her who you date or not. That is what I have learned from this last weekend, BOUNDARIES! I will no longer include my family friend in certain discussions because of her behavior she showed this last weekend. I'm not going to be mean about it, but I'll just adjust myself as needed and set up those boundaries. :D

You could talk to your friend, express your feelings, set up those boundaries. I think she clearly hurt you and on a day where you should have been there celebrating, happy birthday by the way, clearly she was out of bounds. A good talk might be good, I don't think you want to lose your friend. Besides she may not realize that you were hurt, sometimes people don't make that connection.

bargoo
10-12-2009, 11:39 AM
The bf sounds like a great guy and I think you and he will find the right way to better health. AS for the friend, I don't really consider someone who would say such hurtful things to be a friend. A friend likes us warts and all and will not say things to hurt us,

annie175
10-12-2009, 11:40 AM
This was exactly me when I was heavy...what kittycat said....

When I was at my heaviest I was also very depressed-- so I really was short with everyone and super irritated all the time. That was how my depression manifested itself. I also tended to isolate and be self-centered in all of my misery-- all in all, not a supportive friend.

I had a friend that told me how she felt about my fiance' back in 1983. I married him anyway, had two kids, and danged if she wasn't right about him. I divorced him after 21 years, should of been a lot sooner but was reluctant because of the kids, finances, etc. I cannot say every time, but a lot of the time, people on the outside can see better than those of us on the inside of a situation.

My guess is your friend thinks you let yourself go since obtaining this BF and neither of you take enough pride in yourselves to fix the weight issue.

Good luck with everthing.

Annita
10-12-2009, 11:47 AM
standing in your friend's point of view, i somehow could understand how she feels.
If i have a best friend that gain a lot of weight and then date a guy that I consider isn't very good and I think that my friend deserve a much better guy than him, then I probably would want to do something for her just to remind her to take better choice in life.
But it could be that she means in another way... bad way.... but who knows...

Though it's true that she's quite blunt, and definitely if i was you I'd be hurt too. But I think she wants good things for you. At least that's the bright side that I think of.

ubergirl
10-12-2009, 11:52 AM
Gosh, I think what she said was judgmental and unkind.

I'm assuming you don't choose your friends or boyfriends based on their weight.

Sure, some people may be both overweight and depressed, but not every overweight person is depressed, nor is every overweight guy a bad boyfriend.

IF you want to stay friends with this person, then you need to confront her directly and ask her what she meant...

She sounds like a frenemy to me.

icmethinner
10-12-2009, 11:52 AM
I am not depressed or isolated - in fact I have been really enjoying my life. I asked her what the big deal is if I choose to not worry so much about my weight and date someone who likes me as I am and she just said, "No! you can't do that." I do want to lose weight to be healthier but I don't see myself choosing another man to date after losing weight. I have looked high and low for someone NICE. There are plenty of men out there to date and many of them are very shallow. I have been happy to find someone real, down to earth and kind.

sharongracepjs
10-12-2009, 11:58 AM
Sounds like a very painful thing to hear. But, maybe it's kind of awesome that your friend was honest with you. I don't know her, so maybe she has a mean personality or should have expressed it more sensitively. But at the same time, it's such a blessing to have a friend who cares enough to say, I'm worried about your health and about your relationship and I wish you would value yourself more. Sometimes honesty hurts but helps; other times it just hurts :(

At any rate, I'm very sorry it was so discouraging and I'm sorry you had that experience.

Jacquie668
10-12-2009, 12:00 PM
I am not depressed or isolated - in fact I have been really enjoying my life. I asked her what the big deal is if I choose to not worry so much about my weight and date someone who likes me as I am and she just said, "No! you can't do that." I do want to lose weight to be healthier but I don't see myself choosing another man to date after losing weight. I have looked high and low for someone NICE. There are plenty of men out there to date and many of them are very shallow. I have been happy to find someone real, down to earth and kind.

Honestly...her comments to me sound like her values do not match your values and her comments are way out of bounds. I remember years ago my best friend at the time actually complaining about the guys I dated and I looked at her and said "that is NOT your decision, who I chose to date is MY decision." Setting up that boundary was beneficial at the time. She knew not to go there as they say. My friend had different values than me, so much so that she chose those values over many people including me. That is fine, whatever, but at the end of the day your happiness is the most important thing. A supportive and real friend knows that and even though at times that friend may say things or do things that are contrary to that, you should be able to say back off or etc and leave it at that. That is just what I think.

You're, your own person. Besides it sounds like you have your head screwed on just right! You seem to be making awesome decisions to me! lol. Great guy, you want to be healthy...sounds good.

icmethinner
10-12-2009, 12:09 PM
Thanks for all the viewpoints (and compliments too) everyone, I really appreciate it. I think it is a combination - I think she did mean well, but I also think she and I have different values. I think she started out having something valid to say, but took it too far into areas that are not her business. She is in great shape and very attractive, but has not dated anyone in 5 years because she cannot find anyone she thinks is good enough to date.

beerab
10-12-2009, 12:12 PM
Wow I mean I can understand her worrying about your weight and all and saying something- but unless your bf was abusive then she really should have left that alone!

I don't know about you but I probably wouldn't be spending time with this friend for a while.

icmethinner
10-12-2009, 12:22 PM
Jacquie,

How have you done so well with your weight loss??? You have lost over 100 pounds?

Thanks so much for your input on my thread, I really appreciate it:hug:

crcossel
10-12-2009, 12:41 PM
Ok obviously she said enough to hurt you. It sucks when you have a friend that makes health and healthy living a priority and then they don't anymore. They don't make the same decisions and its hard to watch and be around.

Also if you are a healthy person being around someone who doesn't care makes it it hard to hang out. My sister is like that. Now she is still naturally skinny but she HATES healthy food. Except for certain fruits and veggies....everything she hates is on the worst side of the scale. I find it hard to hang with her because its hard for me to stick to my healthy rules when she is eating crap.

Onederchic
10-12-2009, 12:49 PM
Wow! She was a little too blunt for me! I too would be hurt. :hug: Only you can make the decision about losing weight and who you choose to date. I'm not so sure that she should have any say in it at all. Is she feeling hurt that you are not spending as much time with her since you've found your new man? She sounds more like a frenemy than friend and she was trying do a mean-spirited intervention on you.


I agree with this and here's a big :hug: for you.

Jacquie668
10-12-2009, 01:15 PM
Jacquie,

How have you done so well with your weight loss??? You have lost over 100 pounds?

Thanks so much for your input on my thread, I really appreciate it:hug:

If you mean me, I think you do lol, I haven't lost that much yet. I'm about 25 pounds to the 100 pound mark. I struggle, but learning how to cope with my problems, past and present, is what has made me go forward. I have a lot of goals, I struggle, but all the struggles I work through make me come more and more out of hiding and help me grow as a person. So, I have a bittersweet relationship with my struggling lol.

My weight is deeply rooted with personal problems, so the more I work on myself on the inside shows on the outside. Saying that there are times I've gained back bits of weight and had to relose or I don't lose at all. I'm a work in progress lol. As we all are I'm sure. :carrot:

ubergirl
10-12-2009, 01:25 PM
I'm not meaning to start a flame war or hijack the thread, but I'm honestly curious about those people who seem to think that it is okay to criticize others for not making healthy choices, or for spending time with someone who is overweight as though part of the quest for thinness requires shunning people who have chosen not to make that journey.

I make healthy choices for myself, but I hope that if I reach my goal weight that I won't start choosing only thin friends.

One of my very closest friends is 5'8", 128 pounds, and freakishly gorgeous. She is a minor celebrity and even when people don't know who she is, they assume that she is someone important. She looks like a movie star.

This dear friend never criticized me about my weight, never commented on it, and when I made remarks like "I should lose weight" she used to say "diets are evil" and stuff that would make me feel better.

Since I started losing weight, she's also been super supportive. Only now do I realize that she tracks her calories every day and maintains her weight by sticking to 1200 cals per day and working out A LOT. In the past, I had always assumed that she was just "naturally thin..."

My point is that I wasn't going to lose weight until I was ready, and I feel that my friend was super supportive my not sitting around talking about her diet and exercise when she knew that that wasn't something I was into.

I think we should be compassionate of our friends.... I have been overweight for a long time, and during that time many people criticized me for it, but not a single one of those criticisms made me lose weight.

That motivation had to come from within.

PammyFl
10-12-2009, 01:36 PM
If your happy than who can tell you otherwise? She shouldn't have said the things that she said to you. You should tell her how you feel about your bf and your health.

kaplods
10-12-2009, 01:55 PM
Personally, I think saying this stuff to you during your BIRTHDAY celebrations was beyond insensitive, and was just plain cruel (had she been drinking?) Is she always this shallow and self-absorbed?

It would have been much different if she had said, "I'm worried about you," but it sounds alot more like she's thinking only of herself. It sounds like she's embarassed to have an overweight friend, and embarassed to have a friend dating an overweight man.

I could be wrong, but it's the impression I get from the original post.

I can't imagine any of my friends or family (of any size) telling me that they would like me better if I lost weight or made any other drastic change in my life (ooh, then I better run out and change whatever it is that you don't like, so that you'll like me more - I don't think so).

That being said, my friends and family HAVE made comments about my weight - and for the most part they are well-intended and I take them that way. They've always said they were worried about my health and mobility - NOT about whether I was going to be more fun to be around.

I suppose I wouldn't have even minded a "You were more fun to be around, when you were thinner," but "I liked you better," maybe it seems like a trivial distinction to some people - but I don't think so. A friend who is concerned for YOU doesn't say that kind of thing. The first is insensitive, but I think the second is intentionally cruel. A person would have to be incredibly shallow NOT to realize this. I would think that any rational person would at least apologize after letting something like that pass their lips. If they don't, they're really only thinking about themselves. Why are you responsible for providing her with a more "likeable" friend - and the "bottom of the barrel" comment, really is off-base (unless he has a criminal record, severely mentally ill, has no job, a history of spousal abuse... serious defects not just overweight. If your bf is super, morbidly obese, or severely physically handicapped, I would cut your friend a little more slack. It's not any more valid, but many people cannot see beyond physical handicaps. My sister dated a man with mild cerebral palsy. He had a very slight speech impediment and walked with a leg brace and a slight, but obvious limp. Some of HER friends gave her a hard time, because they ASSUMED he was mentally challenged (he was earning his masters degree, and was quite intelligent, funny and charming).

Anyone can have a bad, self-absorbed day. If your friend isn't ALWAYS this shallow, I'd forgive and forget, but if this kind of thing comes up alot, I'd suggest seriously looking at the friendship. Overall, is she a positive or negative force in your life? If there's more negative than positive, I wouldn't call her a friend.

I do hate when people tell me to use such nastiness as "motivation" to lose weight. To me, it doesn't motivate at all, it only wounds. "I'll show them," only gives "them" more power, and what does retaliation do, but prove them right, and let them smugly think that their nastiness "lit a fire" under your butt.

I'm not saying to stay overweight to spite her, I'm just saying that comments like that I believe are a negativity that are best ignored/forgotten. Lose weight for YOUR reasons, not to impress or satisfy the desires of anyone else.

This has really hit a nerve with me, and I may be over-reacting. It just seems to me, to go beyond insensitive. I suspect if you told your boyfriend the story with your friend's words verbatim, he probably would agree (if you consider keeping her as a friend, I would NOT go into those details with him).

icmethinner
10-12-2009, 02:17 PM
I appreciate your thoughts and the time you took to reply to me. Your post hits the nail on the head all the way through but one part that really stands out is the part about people thinking they "lit a fire under your butt". That is exactly what I don't want her thinking either! I was already on 3FC, already starting to work on losing weight, and now I almost hate to give her the satisfaction of thinking any of my future success is thanks to her. And she is super thin...thinks everyone should strive to be that thin...it is not a big deal to me to be perfect. I would like to lose some weight but realistically I doubt I will ever be super thin no matter what - I wasn't in my younger healthier days so why would I be now in my 40s? The part about it being right before my birthday definitely made it worse too!

icmethinner
10-12-2009, 02:22 PM
Thanks Pammy, I probably should tell her. But she is already mad that I talked to my BF about anything we talked about at all. By the way, I'm from Jacksonville, FL too! Went to Robert E. Lee then Forrest High School

juliastl27
10-12-2009, 02:59 PM
I agree, talk to your friend and let her know how you feel about your boyfriend and how hurtful her comments were.

Sometimes people have their hearts in the right place, but don't use their heads when trying to explain how they feel.

kochevnik
10-12-2009, 03:02 PM
Your friend is a bonehead.

It's a peculiar modern mental illness that a person who is overweight is somehow 'worth less' than someone who is not.

Being overweight is fixable.

Having a crappy personality is not.

You've gotten old enough (and smart enough) to understand how important it is to be with someone who is decent human being. Sounds like your friend has still not learned that particular lesson (and maybe never will)

Keep your Mr. Nice and when the time is right, you two might decide to lose the weight - and then watch how jealous your friend is that you have a guy who is both good-looking AND nice. :)

kittycat40
10-12-2009, 03:09 PM
It is hard for me to comprehend that the comment was based only on the shallow thought that your bf isn't body beautiful enough. What a jerk! if that is the case. And it seems plain old envy of your happiness is the motivator of that jacka$$ comment.

Are people really so stooopid?

Sunnigummi
10-12-2009, 03:37 PM
There are a lot of great points on this thread so I won't repeat them.

I will say one thing: I take birthdays VERY seriously. It's MY day. I'm usually non-confrontational and will brush off a lot of statements but if anyone, ANYONE, tried to ruin my birthday like your friend did, homegirl would have a fat lip (at least).

Not cool.

:hug: to you and a belated :bday2you::hb::woo:. Told ya I take them seriously. ;)

Dalgishake
10-12-2009, 04:08 PM
Could her comments have anything to do with her not having a relationship in 5 years and you being secure in one?
Although her comments were out of line, it might not have anything to do with the way you or your boyfriend look.
Maybe it is her own insecurity and jealousy of seeing you being happy in a relationship and her still being single that brought this out and she couldn't find a way to express herself in an appropriate way.

yoovie
10-12-2009, 04:32 PM
Hey you!!! I was right where you are a few months ago! (NO REALLY- I was 5'9 and 240 aiming for 160!)

You can totally do this and once you get past the pain and discomfort of rearranging yourlifestyle... ITS ADDICTING! seriously, when I cant run or exercise now, I'm so bummed out and irritable. Exercise is the new heroin!

or.. healthy version of heroin? I dunno, it's crack either way. Or is it?

Anyway- I'm going to make sure you stick around because this place is wonderful. Check out sparkpeople.com too. Especially if you are the kind of person that works well off of recognition for your hard work. You really truly can turn all this around.


Stella
10-12-2009, 04:48 PM
Happy belated birthday - I hope this will be your year!

Sad that someone could even contemplate that you are only dating whom you are dating because there is noone better out there for you (if I`m interpreting this correctly). I heard this a lot about couples where both partners are overweight, and it infuriates me!!

You allude that she appears to be generally superficial (no guy is good enough for HER), so if you look at her remarks in this context, this will hopefully make it sound less harsh. Shame on her though!

ringmaster
10-12-2009, 04:55 PM
This was exactly me when I was heavy...what kittycat said....

When I was at my heaviest I was also very depressed-- so I really was short with everyone and super irritated all the time. That was how my depression manifested itself. I also tended to isolate and be self-centered in all of my misery-- all in all, not a supportive friend.

I had a friend that told me how she felt about my fiance' back in 1983. I married him anyway, had two kids, and danged if she wasn't right about him. I divorced him after 21 years, should of been a lot sooner but was reluctant because of the kids, finances, etc. I cannot say every time, but a lot of the time, people on the outside can see better than those of us on the inside of a situation.

My guess is your friend thinks you let yourself go since obtaining this BF and neither of you take enough pride in yourselves to fix the weight issue.

Good luck with everthing.


Exactly what I was thinking too.. Maybe the OP just had more overall energy when she was more fit and gave off a different vibe.

Normally I would be offended by those type of comments also. When I was with my ex-bf, a few friends kept telling me he wasn't right for me but I didn't listen. Since then I've learned it's good to get opinions and views from outside of my own little box. Maybe the comments seem harsh when you didn't ask for them.. but your friends could have good intentions just wanting whats best for you.

nooch
10-12-2009, 05:28 PM
I wonder how many of the people who think this is okay are close to goal or at goal & have forgotten how badly it hurts to be treated like a leper or told that you aren't good enough for your friends.

It's really a horrible thing to say to somebody. Also, saying horrible things and then when the target gets hurt saying "well it was well intentioned and you're too sensitive" isn't okay either.

Whatever happened to doing unto others as we would have them do unto us?

kaplods
10-12-2009, 05:33 PM
I don't know to me, I would just want to say, "yeah, I liked you better back then too."

icmethinner
10-12-2009, 05:58 PM
A lot of people's comments that resonate with me are those about many people acting as though people who are overweight are not as valuable or worthy as thin people. It also seems that they think we are less intelligent and less capable of making good decisions. The thing is we are all equal. Just because someone is thin does not mean they are perfect in every other spect of their life. We all have faults. No one is any better than anyone else.

yoovie
10-12-2009, 06:04 PM
I would want someone to tell me if it seemed as though my weight was getting out of control, or if they felt I was making bad decisions. Its good to get a viewpoint from outside of my own head, from outside a state of mind that got me in trouble in the first place. I most certainly do not have to agree with them, but it is good to stop and take an inventory of our priorities and see if the people around us may have a point.

If we only trust ourselves and our own point of view, and never accept the negative, only the positive- how will we ever get a well-rounded perspective? The Bible may say to treat others the way you want to be treated, but it also says to make the truth our own, to take the information handed to us and weigh it carefully, to glean any truth from it and grow as a person.

I would rather have someone give me unpleasant news with good intentions than have someone give me good news with bad intentions.

Ignore the parts that aren't true and use the rest as a sign and reassurance that the decisions we already know we need to make, are ready to be made.

You are a beautiful and bright person and you are going to get exactly where you want to go at your own pace, and you will only become more beautiful and your future will only get brighter.


yoovie
10-12-2009, 06:11 PM
Personally, I think saying this stuff to you during your BIRTHDAY celebrations was beyond insensitive, and was just plain cruel (had she been drinking?) Is she always this shallow and self-absorbed?

It would have been much different if she had said, "I'm worried about you," but it sounds alot more like she's thinking only of herself. It sounds like she's embarassed to have an overweight friend, and embarassed to have a friend dating an overweight man.



Also- I agree with all of this ^^

yoovie
10-12-2009, 06:15 PM
One more thing, I'm worth more than skinny people because I weigh more.

That's how it works in the produce department, so that's gotta be how it works in the real world.

TIARA
10-12-2009, 06:17 PM
wow that was brutal... in life we must decide what friends are really worth keeping around. after you cool down talk to her about what she said tell her it was uncalled for and set her streight.. real friends will love you no matter what you look like because its the friendship they value more than looks

WhitePicketFences
10-12-2009, 06:37 PM
I wonder how many of the people who think this is okay are close to goal or at goal & have forgotten how badly it hurts to be treated like a leper or told that you aren't good enough for your friends.

I remember ... what was said ... who said it. Interestingly, the same people who were rude about my being fat have been a little rude/aggressive about my weight loss, too (or have not acknowledged it, period). Most of the people who are complimentary now are the people who always treated me the same.

I have a hard time believing something like this is good intentions. I see others disagree re: bringing up someone else's weight. And someone's boyfriend, though I get the impression that was solely about weight as well?

But even if people can think that those two things were good intentions ... the fact that it was on your birthday? No. That sounds designed to hurt. Which it did. Doesn't sound like a friend to me.

better health3
10-12-2009, 07:53 PM
I asked her what the big deal is if I choose to not worry so much about my weight and date someone who likes me as I am and she just said, "No! you can't do that."

I can't believe she said that....seriously. Oh yeah, and who is she again?

It is like when my good friend was referring to my excess poundage and stated that no man would ever want that!!! Or, when my father tells me I will never get married due to the weight.

I understand the health concern. Being obese is extremely uhealthy and many times not very plesant to look that...I get this through the media and in the real world every day of our lives.

I'm sorry your friend told you on your birthday in a very untactful manner.

Windchime
10-12-2009, 10:47 PM
I appreciate your thoughts and the time you took to reply to me. Your post hits the nail on the head all the way through but one part that really stands out is the part about people thinking they "lit a fire under your butt". That is exactly what I don't want her thinking either! I was already on 3FC, already starting to work on losing weight, and now I almost hate to give her the satisfaction of thinking any of my future success is thanks to her.


Yeah, this kind of thing used to bug me too, but honestly I decided that I would just have to get over it. I didn't want to stay fat forever, especially not out of spite! So let her think what she wants; you just keep doing what you are doing to get yourself healthy and if she is smug enough to think that she had something to do with it, oh well--let her be smug, I guess. But I think I'd have to seriously reconsider calling this person a "friend" if she really put it as bluntly as that. "I liked you better when you were thinner"? Serious?

Windchime
10-12-2009, 10:50 PM
Could her comments have anything to do with her not having a relationship in 5 years and you being secure in one?
Although her comments were out of line, it might not have anything to do with the way you or your boyfriend look.
Maybe it is her own insecurity and jealousy of seeing you being happy in a relationship and her still being single that brought this out and she couldn't find a way to express herself in an appropriate way.


You know, I wondered about this, too, right after I hit send on my previous post. She's probably jealous that her "un-thin" friend has an "un-thin" boyfriend and that they are super happy together. I don't usually write things off to jealously, but hmmmmmm......

duckyyellowfeet
10-13-2009, 12:59 AM
I might get flamed for this and I *do not* think her comments were acceptable at all, period, the end.

But were you more fun thin? And I don't mean personality wise but have you stopped activities you used to do together due to your weight?

I'm not asking to be cruel, but to really think about it. My best friend has put on about 75 lbs since she and I started being friends...and the more she put on weight, the more our relationship changed. We used to go dancing, go outdoors, wander around the mall, etc. As she gained the weight, our friendship grew more and more sedentary until all we ever do is sit around her apartment. Her own weight issues changed our friendship, to the point where I would argue that we typically had more fun together when she was thinner. I know my friend hasn't noticed these changes but I have.

So, I don't know if this is the case, but I was trying to think of some rational reason why someone you consider a friend would say something so hurtful out of love, not spite. The phrasing is without a doubt bad and inexcusable but perhaps there is a reason.

Windchime
10-13-2009, 02:19 AM
I don't know to me, I would just want to say, "yeah, I liked you better back then too."


I'm not usually a fan of the snippy comeback, but this one I like.

Other posters have wondered if maybe this was a friend who really meant well but phrased things poorly. I kinda don't think so. I mean, one comment--perhaps. But there was also the comment about how the OP was "settling" for a guy because he had a few extra pounds.

I think there is a big difference between saying, "I'm concerned. You seem to have lost your zest for life and you have less energy; are you feeling OK? Can I help?" and "I liked you better when you were thinner." One shows love and concern and a willingness to help; the other (to me) is pure judgement and spite. JMHO.

jewelweed
10-13-2009, 02:46 AM
I had often used this retort to unkind comments, 'I may be fat, but you are just plain ugly (inside). And no diet or exercise's gonna help that!'

PSP Orange
10-13-2009, 06:46 AM
To devalue another is at the core of low self-esteem...

It is never - I mean NEVER ok do devalue anyone ...

We are all of a limited lifespan, and to be cherished...

All things will pass and the only thing that matters is love...

Ugly is ugly plain and simple, and it has nothing to do with looks...

My favorite quote about such matters is from Catch-22. The main

Character, Yosarian, a was objector is in a conversation about the enemy...

He speaks, "I will tell you who the enemy is! The enemy is whoever gets you killed no matter which side they are on!"

It amazes me that there are sooo.. many people living in a trance, not
understanding their own behaviors. This "friend" is one of those, no filter.

You deserve better- Love everyone, especially yourself, then protect that love fiercely - Protect the ones u love and in this case, your man!

Live Big and Bright - rain love - it will convert the vampires
If it doesn't convert yours, then protect yourself and your man
With the sheer determination of the mother of all bears !!!!

My 2c.
The Orange One

icmethinner
10-13-2009, 07:42 AM
I appreciate all the varying viewpoints very much! I work from home and I don't have coworkers to bounce things off of so sometimes it is hard to know what is just my personal reaction and what would be the common reaction. You know, second guessing myself.

PSP Orange - I have seen some of your other posts - you are very inspirational and have a great way with words! You could probably write a very motivational book if you had a mind to :) Thank you for your thoughtful words!

So many nice people on this thread - thank you all so much! I think the truth in what my friend did lies somewhere in the mix of all the replies... part of her probably was trying to be caring, part was a little jealous, part is just having different values. When I met her, about 5 years ago, we walked 4 miles every day together for about a year. That all changed when I changed jobs and I have never gotten into a good routine since. But I do still do things with her, and that did not change when I met my "man" lol.

It made for a rough birthday. But the bottom line is that I know I need to lose weight. I know I need to get healthier. My very sedentary job at home contributes greatly to my weight problem and I have to find a way to get more exercise into my days. But I vow right now that even if I get into the best shape of my life, I am not going to be judgemental of others no matter what, and I will always try to be careful not to be hurtful in what I say or do.

Havisham
10-13-2009, 04:04 PM
I can TOTALLY relate to this. For years and years my best friend and I (tall, slim, attractive young women) talked about being each other's matron of honour. Eventually she finally got with the guy she'd hankered after for years, the one I'd listened to her mooch over, the one I'd wiped up the tears over. They came to visit in Canada and we bent over backwards to help while he set up a surprise proposal for her.

When she returned to the UK - after thanking me so much for all the things I'd done to help her get to this point and being there while she pined for this man....she called to say that she just felt that since I'd got fat, I wouldn't look right in the wedding pictures. So she was going with her sister (who is universally known as the biggest b***h on earth) and she hoped that I'd understand that this was her wedding and she wanted to remember it perfectly. She finished with, "I mean, you're still in the wedding because (my four year old son) is our ring bearer"....like that would make it all ok.

Being an idiot (and at home in the UK at uni) for the couple of months prior to the wedding, I listened to her talk non-stop and went with her for dress fittings, told off and fired the original dress maker because she hated the dress and couldn't say so, worked out catering plans....and listened to her b***h about how insensitive her bridesmaids were.

Shortly after this, an old friend called to get together for a drink. I said that I felt it only fair to let her know that I'd put on a lot of weight since school. After her puzzled 'And?' I said that I didn't want her to be uncomfortable going out with me. Her immediate response was "Did you grow another head? Then why the **** would it matter one little bit that you've put on weight - you're my friend and I love you no matter what size you are". She was genuinely perplexed - until I told her about the other 'friend'. Then she said, 'oh, god, she was always a b***h, ignore her'.

I'm sorry - there may be people out there who think she was being 'cruel to be kind', or that she had her heart in the right place. As far as I'm concerned, like my other friend, a friend loves you no matter what size you are, who you go out with, what choices you make in your personal life. I kicked my friend to the curb, and didn't look back.

JulieJ08
10-13-2009, 06:17 PM
Wow, Havisham, that is just ugly of her.

Havisham
10-13-2009, 10:35 PM
Thanks, Julie - yeah, I was less than impressed. It turned out that she was lacking in the 'good friend' department in a lot of ways. I try to not be angry about it anymore - I don't always succeed, but it's a work in progress. :dizzy:

Her loss.:D

icmethinner
10-13-2009, 11:35 PM
Thanks for sharing that and for caring how I feel! I am so sorry that you can relate...so sorry your friend treated you like that, but so glad you learned she wasn't a true friend and curbed her! Pondering if I should do the same!

Havisham
10-14-2009, 12:35 PM
Thanks for sharing that and for caring how I feel! I am so sorry that you can relate...so sorry your friend treated you like that, but so glad you learned she wasn't a true friend and curbed her! Pondering if I should do the same!

It's sad to realise that not everyone is nice. I'm always disappointed by the human nature, as I'm an eternal optimist.

I think the key is, do you think you could forgive and forget? For me (and I'm a typical Scorpio) that's not possible - I'll always bear a grudge, so I figured why keep putting myself through that anger and resentment, just let it go.

I had this total psycho friend one time who felt that all relationships should be viewed on a cost/benefit ratio, and that if it cost you more to remain in the friendship than you got for it, you should get rid of the dead wood. At the time, I thought, wow, that's a cold way of looking at life. But as I've gotten older, I can see that in some cases it's true. If something is really costing you (in lots of ways) then it's best to walk away.

If, however, you think you can forget it and move on, then hopefully she'll turn out to be better down the road.

Either way - be strong....if you choose to curb her, then it's her loss! :)