Chicks in Control - 360, right back where I started.

Apologies for the length of this - I'm in the midst of a nasty relapse and totally confused about it, so I'm trying to get some thoughts out!

I don't know what happened... I had been binge-free for months and had been exercising, eating well all that time - when last week I received a "fall" package from my mom (which is really sweet, I love her) which included a bag of brach's fall mix - with the candy corn and mellowcreme pumpkins... plus an extra little baggie of the mellowcreme pumpkins. I LOVE them. And these past 8-9 months that I have been on track nothing has been off limits, so I didn't think it would be a problem. I promptly ate half the bag. Felt very sick that night and AWFUL the next morning. Next night I finished the bag + the little extra baggie... felt lousy again... and I haven't been able to get control back since.

I think it's more of an emotional thing that set me off than the bag of candy. I know I'm lonely here. I know I'm stressed about finishing my program and finding a good job.

Today I didn't go to class or work because I felt too miserable. Just stayed home and ate. I'm feeling like I should go back to an OA meeting tonight, but I often found them almost enabling more than helpful, just depended on the night... one night I'd feel great and inspired, the next I'd stop at dairy queen on the way home.

First, Iris, take a deep breath. Here's a :hug:

Second, accept that you made a mistake. Don't enjoy them, but accept that you are human.

Since you've been binge-free for a while, go back to how you felt when you realised you first stopped bingeing. How did that make you feel? Good? Fantastic? Then go back to feeling good and fantastic. Empower yourself with good, postive feelings: I made a mistake, but I will get back on track because I am a valuable person and I value myself! Leave the negatives ones at the door: I shouldn't have eaten that, I am a worthless person!

You have done SO well and though I might not know you personally, I find you (and everyone who has lost weight using 3FC) an inspiration! It sounds stupid and trite, but it is the truth.

You did it once before, you can do it again!

Okay, I will stop channeling my dad, the psychologist. :D

Thanks Mollie. I've had a couple of long periods of not bingeing, interspersed with relapses. I swear ever time I relapse it gets harder to get myself back together... and right now it's just so unexpected. I wasn't that upset about the candy but the fact that I've continued to binge every day SINCE... *sigh*

I tried to do some positive thinking and pulled myself together for a few hours this afternoon. I DO remember how healthy I felt when not bingeing. I'd honestly use the word "vibrant" to describe the feeling. Bright, happy, healthy. And I sure want that back.

Maybe the fall package reminded you that you miss your mom? Maybe write her a letter or plan a visit. OA meetings are helpful too. Hearing other people's stories can sometimes help put things in perspective. Or maybe get out and do something - hike, volunteer, shop for clothes - whatever centers you.

Hmm... I do miss my mom a lot, but I've been planning to be home for Thanksgiving this year (have plane tickets and everything!). I'm really excited for that =) I really don't have any friends where I'm living now and my family is across the country, which has been really hard for me. I've never had trouble making friends before, but I just haven't been able to make any meaningful connections with anyone.

This evening I need to choose between going to an OA meeting and going to happy hour... tough really because I can't fathom the thought of sitting there feeling bloated and having to drink a beer and enjoy myself, but I KNOW my loneliness here is a big factor in the bingeing.

*ETA - happy hour w/ my co-workers, not just me going to the bar in hopes of meeting people!