General chatter - Why did my husband do this?




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Natoshial
09-30-2009, 02:57 AM
Okay, here's what is going on. I had a sweet adorable, Jack Russel Mix Dog, BO . had him for three years. He was part of this family as far as I was concerned. I loved him and my two kids adored him. He was the best dog ever. The only problem was he loved to roam. We stay in the country and he would run in and out all day. He couldn't make up his mind if he wanted in or out. We ended up getting fleas pretty bad. I fogged the house and treated him but they kept coming back. I tried everything other than the more expensive products so. I recommended to my husband that we get the Advantage. He said No!!!

I don't work so I couldn't buy it. He complained and carried on about the dog so bad that I ended up letting BO go to a wonderful family that keeps in contact with me about him. My heart was shattered. The kids are devastated. It was a horrible mistake. I know he is being taken care of but I miss him dearly. I have Bipolar depression and he really kept me company and was very therapuetic for me to have him here.

That was about 1year ago. The heartache is still here. Well, tonight my husband comes home with a picture of a Boston Terrier that he found at a local shelter. He said he called about the dog and He wants to get her. Is he crazy? I had the best dog in the world and he practically made me give him up. I'm not even going down that road again. We have a guinea pig and he doesn't even want to get a bigger cage. Much less spend what it costs to take care of a dog properly. I love animals and I feel like they should be treated as members of the family. I wish he hadn't even brought this up cause now I am upset and can't sleep. Sorry for the rant and rave but I had to let it out. Thanks for listening!!!


bananapancakes
09-30-2009, 03:44 AM
I'm sorry that you're heart is aching for Bo. I adore animals and have lived with them all of my 28 years on this earth. I'd ask your husband what he plans on doing if the Boston Terrier was to harbor fleas? It seems that he likes the idea of having a little dog but, when it comes to the real responsibility he isn't willing to put worth the work (you had mentioned the guinea pig too), this reminds me of how some children act "Mum, I want this puppy, I promise to take care of it etc etc..." but, then the novelty wears off. Something else that has to be taken in to consideration is the cost of a dog, you brought up the fact that you couldn't buy the flea treatment needed for Bo, if things are still the same financially then getting a dog is simply out of the question- in my honest opinion. Btw, you'd be surprised at how reasonably priced many flea prevention products are, especially when you're purchasing the flea killers. Your husband is being very unfair and cruel to you, your children and Bo. I think you have to put your foot down on this one. Thank you for finding Bo a wonderful home instead of dropping him at the shelter. Best wishes to you.

bonnnie
09-30-2009, 03:50 AM
I'm sorry, but your husband sounds terrible. Why does he get to make all the decisions in the house? As if you are a child? Animals ARE a part of the family, they deserve respect like every human being - not moved around simply because of fleas.


lizziep
09-30-2009, 04:26 AM
i would stand firm on the no new dog!! i have a similar personality type in my husband, so i totally understand where you're coming from! it's not worth it- what if this dog winds up having some problem & he decides to get rid of it too? Then you have to go through that again... just say no!

Natoshial
09-30-2009, 04:30 AM
Thanks BananaPancakes and Bonnie for listening and taking the time to respond!!! I was raised on a farm and always thought animals would be a part of my life. I imagined growing up and having everything I had for my children. I mean we had every farm animal imaginable even pot-bellied pigs. It was lots of work and responsibility but I loved it every bit. My kids have that love of animals also. Especially my daughter. She wants to take regular trips to the pet store, just to see the animals. I almost have to drag her away.

I didn't mean to make my husband sound like a monster. He really isn't. He has stuck by me through my illness and never gave up on me. He is very supportive of my weight loss efforts and loves me regardless of how large I am. He is also a good provider and a great father. However, he never had animals growing up and he doesn't realize their importance. He needs to realize that they are like children. They have needs that MUST be met. They are meant to be loved and cherished.

What hurts so bad is that we could afford the treatment that we needed for Bo. He just griped about the cost and refused to get it. He would complain everytime I had to spend money on Bo. He has a great job and our finances are in order. He just kept complaining and the complaining turned to arguments. He doesn't love animals the way I do and I don't think he ever will.

I think this whole thing about the Boston Terrier is all because I've been crying so much lately about Bo. I can't help it he was my companion and I am lonely without him here. The kids also keep saying how much they miss him. He said tonight that he missed Bo too!!! and wanted another dog. I find that hard to believe and I told him he was just feeling guilty.

I've told him how I feel about this and how it has hurt me.

I love our Guinea Pig, Bear and I spend as much time with him as possible and enjoy taking care of him but I miss my dog.

Sorry to sound so down. There really is nothing that can be done about it now. I am welcome to go see Bo anytime I like but I know it would just hurt to bad.

Natoshial
09-30-2009, 04:35 AM
You are so right LizzieP!!! I couldn't do that to the kids either. They are hurting too!!! No dog for us!!! I told him tonight that I didn't even want to talk about it. I can't believe he even called about the dog. Thanks for listening!!!

Serendipity
09-30-2009, 09:32 AM
It sounds to me like your husband was (clumsily) actually trying to do something good. He may have realized he made a mistake in griping about Bo to the point that he was given away, and sees how much you and your kids missing having a dog, so he approached the subject of getting another dog. Maybe he realized he can't get Bo back, but thought if you guys got another dog, it would help the loneliness and pain.

Just a thought here - sometimes when someone does something, it's meant to help, not to hurt. He made a mistake with Bo and this might be his way of saying he's sorry he did it, and trying to make amends.

Wannabeskinny
09-30-2009, 10:54 AM
I'm sorry to hear of your pain about missing your dog. I myself never had pets around the house and so I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. But I know that many people love their pets and I recognize that it's important to many. Your husband probably feels the same as I do, but he was being very insensitive to you.

I know you say that your finances are in order, your husband is a good provider etc. etc. But if you have no access to that money and can't make a simple decision about medication for a dog then what good is that money? It sounds like he's the only one who gets to make decisions about it which I must admit sounds like he's controlling you. First you can have a dog, then you have to give the dog away, now he says you can have a dog again... I wouldn't enjoy being treated like a child. My husband makes more money than I do but I don't need his permission to use it.

My advice would be to take a part time job, maybe at a nearby veterinarian's office as a part timer or even a volunteer. That way you maybe earn some money, and spend time with the animals that you crave. You have needs, and if he can't support them then you have to find a way to take care of those needs on your own, because it doesn't sound like he's very concerned about this particular need.

Windchime
09-30-2009, 11:02 AM
It sounds to me like your husband was (clumsily) actually trying to do something good.

This is my thought as well. If he isn't a pet person, he might not fully realize that you can't replace an individual like BO just by getting a similar dog. But please think about what he is saying. He doesn't sound like a bad guy; he just sounds like a guy who realizes he made a mistake and is trying to fix it in his own way.

If you think you might consider getting another dog, make sure that he truly understands and agrees to all reasonable expenses of that dog's care, including medication and treatments. It sounds to me as if having BO was really good for your family. Maybe it would be a good thing to get another dog, as long as your husband will agree to let you take proper care of this one?

Jacquie668
09-30-2009, 11:34 AM
First, I don't think your husband is terrible. He sounds like he is trying to do something nice, but isn't approaching it in the most sensitive way.

I remember when I was moving to New Jersey from Missouri, I had this cat named Thomas, which still breaks my heart to really talk about to this day. My boyfriend and I both made mistakes, Thomas ended up running away while we were driving to New Jersey. We searched for him, but couldn't find him and had to go, so I sort of always have this pang of guilt and bad feelings when I really think about it. I cried so hard and just felt awful because I let him down so badly. I have let down a few pets in my life, two I had to leave behind when my mother died, believe me I cried just as hard for them. They hopefully were adopted, but you always feel things when you think back on those kind of mistakes or situations.

Anyhow, we ended up at a local animal shelter when we settled in as I had been crying for a week or two. He suggested we go so we can try to get a kitty, he wanted me to be happy. I agreed after some time and we went to look and I wanted to adopt all the animals, but couldn't obviously. Well, we ended up getting an orange tabby named Charlie. She was in terrible shape, so we nurtured her back to health. She has been with us for 12 years now and the mistakes I made previously I won't make again. We keep her safe and secure, happy and she is apart of the family. It took some time, but you know another animal can be adopted and given a great home.

We all make mistakes, some are like mine and some are like yours. I guess now I look back and yeah my heart aches a little, but then I look at Charlie and I think about how she was really on her last legs at the shelter. In fact she was probably not going to survive there, it wasn't a no-kill place. She was pushed to the back and out of site. The cute cats were up front, she was like forgotten. So, I tried my best and gave myself time, learned from the mistakes I made and moved on the best I could.

Give yourself time, if you feel you aren't ready, then don't push yourself. I think your husband's heart is in the right place. :hug::hug:

Natoshial
09-30-2009, 11:46 AM
Hi Serendipity, Wannabeskinny, and Windchime!!! Thanks for taking the time to comment and for giving me another perspective.

My husband does not control the money in our house. We make financial decisions together. I have debit cards for both the accounts and get what I need. I do all the grocery shopping, clothes shopping for the kids and myself and him sometimes. If I feel like going out to eat with a friend or doing something like that, which is hardly ever I feel like it. I do!!! If I need personal things like makeup or hygiene products I get them. I don't go without anything. And he doesn't treat me like a child. However if it is a larger purchase we discuss it together. Pets have always been a sore spot as he just never saw the necessity of getting certain things for them. I happened to discuss with him the option of the Advantage and he thought we had spent enough money over the years trying to get rid of the fleas. He felt as though I didn't care that fleas kept invading the house and biting him . It just escalated as I became pretty angry and led to to many arguments. My son wasn't affected. I think because he has eczema and they just didn't bother with his skin.

If I was able to work, trust me I wouldn't be here everyday. Especially since both my kids are now in school. Right now my Bipolar symptoms prevent me from holding down a job. I'm starting on a new med once again and I am praying that this will help. I have a Bachelors in Social Work and always worked in group homes so that is what I will probably do once the DR. clears me to go back to work and my symptoms are managable.

I really think you are right. That he thought he was doing something good. But it just mad me angry and a little confused. I would love to have another dog but can't go through the drama again.

Thanks Chicks for listening and taking the time to comment. It has really helped. I don't really have a lot of people to talk to and this has became a special place for me. As I know it is for all of you.

GatorgalstuckinGA
09-30-2009, 11:57 AM
I'm sorry your husband didn't discuss giving the dog away. It had to hurt...and I agree that pets are family. However, he may have actually been trying to give the dog to a better home? It would have been nice for him to discuss that with you. I feel pet are family and I would never give them away. But I am also a veterinarian..and understand the problems and expenses with pets. Fleas are an easy fix...if you don't waste your money on the cheep products. That being said...a pet may help...however you need to choose that for yourself. I also recommend sitting down and seeing if you family expenses allow that. Pet do cost money for vaccines, exams, flea and heartworm prevention etc. So, I think before you and hubby make a decision..you guys should decide together. First it should be a pet that everyone agrees on and it should fit into your finincial budget. Even as a vet..I don't get everything for free. I budget x amount of dollars a month for basic necessities. I would hate for you to get another dog in your life and something happen to it...and you not have the finances to help it out. I do think animals are an intigral part of families and help teach kids basic responsibilities...but I feel the family needs to make decisions as a whole. And not just one individual. Good luck

Natoshial
09-30-2009, 11:59 AM
Hi Jacquie668!!! That was a really sweet post. Thanks!!! I'm sorry about you losing your cat. But it is great that you opened up your heart and your home to love another one. Especially one that might not have been adopted otherwise. You are so right. My husband is not a bad guy. I mean I wouldn't have stuck with me the way he has over the years. Many men would have written me off. Especially with all the hospital stays and wild moments we went through. Maybe one day he will realize how important a part animals have played in my life.

I was sexually abused as a child by my father and I didn't have many friends. Animals were my friends. I felt great comfort when taking care of all our animals growing up. That is one reason I feel lost without them. Okay I'm getting emotional so I guess I'll stop now. Thanks again!!!

Natoshial
09-30-2009, 12:55 PM
Hi GatorgalstuckinGA!!!! You are so right about everything. If we ever consider getting another Dog we will have a long discussion. I guess I was buying the cheap products cause I never could get the little boogers under control. I always heard that Advantage was the best. I'll be content with Bear the Guinea Pig. Even if its not the same I guess. I still love him. By the way I love your profile pic. You are a beautiful couple!!!

bananapancakes
09-30-2009, 03:52 PM
GatorgalstuckinGA made some really good points.

I'm a little confused to be honest. In your first post you stated:

"I tried everything other than the more expensive products so. I recommended to my husband that we get the Advantage. He said No!!! I don't work so I couldn't buy it."

then you said:

"My husband does not control the money in our house. We make financial decisions together. I have debit cards for both the accounts and get what I need. I do all the grocery shopping, clothes shopping for the kids and myself and him sometimes. If I feel like going out to eat with a friend or doing something like that, which is hardly ever I feel like it. I do!!! If I need personal things like makeup or hygiene products I get them. I don't go without anything."

You said you get what you need but, you didn't in this case, you needed/wanted a flea product for your dog and your request was shot down. It sounds to me like you don't make financial decisions together, he said 'No" and you accepted that. If you're allowed to make all these other purchases and you have your finances in order like you claim then I don't see what was stopping either of you from going to your vets office or local store to buy a flea preventative. Flea treatment really isn't too expensive, you can be the cheaper preventatives at Wal-Mart for a very low cost, they may not work as good as a product like Frontline which does cost a little more and is more effective- I use this product on my animals. I don't like to sound harsh but, you are contradicting yourself, from what I see.

I'm glad you told your husband that a dog what out of the question. Again, I'm sorry your heart is aching, I really do feel for you.

Natoshial
09-30-2009, 10:53 PM
BananaPancakes, The main thing is that Bo is in a loving environment with people who are giving him all the care he needs. Regardless of whether I miss him or not. I did everything I could, including argue my case. We tried all the cheaper products. They didn't work. I guess I could have went against what my husband wanted and gotten the products anyways. But what would that have accomplished, another argument. He didn't see it as something for me. But something for a dog that he didn't view with the same love as I did.

Hope I'm reading into this wrong. But it is almost like you are putting me down. Maybe even calling me a liar. "If you have your finances in order like you claim". I guess I need to be more careful what I post on here. I never got these kinds of responses when posting on CDSOL. But there aren't that many people on there either so I guess I wouldn't. No as many opinions to go around.

Thanks for taking the time to post.

Jacquie668
10-01-2009, 04:09 AM
In an attempt to get the focus of the thread back on topic and on something more positive and supportive, I do hope you and your husband and family come to a good conclusion in the future.

I think GatorgalstuckinGA and Windchime had some valuable points and thoughts.

In the end we all make mistakes, learn from them, and move on to better things hopefully. I do think your husband, as I said previously with some of the other posters, is trying to do something positive, just perhaps not going about it in a sensitive way. Besides, I agree that the decision of getting a new family member comes down to a family decision, but you as a family have to be ready for that step. Good luck to you! :D

Natoshial
10-01-2009, 09:18 AM
Thanks Jacquie668 for your thoughtful post!!! You are a bright spot on this sight and I always look forward to reading anything you have to say. I won't let the negative posters hinder me from coming here. Because there are some really great people on here. I love coming here and I have gained so much from joining this site. I did receive from positive feedback and it helped. Thanks to all of you who helped.

You are right, my husband realizes he was wrong and is trying to make it up to me. He told me last night that he is sorry. An apology to me is worth so much.

I wish you all the best!!!

Wannabeskinny
10-01-2009, 10:22 AM
Your original post claimed that you were upset with your husband and you couldn't understand why he did this to you. On a public forum you're going to get a lot of differing opinions, not all of us can see your life through your eyes and from the outside it sounded like your husband didn't allow you to keep your dog and now wants to get you another dog. If my husband did that to me I would think he was jerking me around and trying to control me... getting a dog, keeping a dog, giving a dog away... all seem to be fine as long as it's his decision. You don't see it that way and that's fine. When you post something personal online then you should expect that you will get opposing views. If you didn't want that then you should have made it clear in your post that all you were looking for was a sympathetic ear, but instead you asked "why did my husband do this?"

kaplods
10-03-2009, 08:46 PM
I don't think that anyone was putting you down - just pointing out that you AND your husband had a part in giving the dog away. And I don't mean that to sound harsh or judgemental.

In fact, it sounds A LOT like my parents relationship. My dad is a griper and complainer (so is my mom), but they complain about different things. My father complains about money and waste, and my mom complains about all of the things Dad "won't let her buy," or "won't let her do," when the fact is that he doesn't stop her from buying or doing anything (but he may complain about it).

As a kid, I could see both sides of their arguments, and didn't understand why they couldn't. As an adult, it still drives me absolutely batty.

From the moment I heard of it in college (I have both a bachelor's and master's degree in psychology), I have suspected that my mother has bipolar tendencies, and probably should be on medication (but to her, I'm just her psychologist daughter telling her she's crazy). When she's in a manic or stable phase, she will do what she wants confidently and doesn't care that my father disagrees with her choices. She'll tell him firmly that she can decide what to spend money on, as long as they can afford to and she won't criticise his choices (listing a few) and he should keep his opinions on the matter to himself. She buys and does what she wants, and ignores Dad's griping. When she's in a depressive state, she takes every criticism so much to heart that she thinks people are deliberately hurting and opressing her. When we visited this summer, she told me (as she has many times) that Dad "wouldn't let her buy ice cubes," because she wanted to buy a bag of ice for our visit (I like ice in beverages, and can go through a lot of ice cubes). Dad had wanted to make ice cubes instead (he had a fair stockpile by the time we arrived). Even so, I was depleting their ice faster than we could replace it so I bought a bag of ice. Dad did complain - he said "it's a waste of money to buy ice, when you can make it yourself."

Mom said "see - he won't let me buy ice." They started to argue....


It IS hard to be confident and decisive, especially when you're depressed, but it does sound like your husband did not "make you" give the dog away. (I don't know how much he complained, but it does sound like getting Advantage was a choice you could have made, but didn't. You could have told him "this isn't negotiable," but you didn't). It's all perfectly understandable, and in hindsight, it doesn't really matter whose fault is was that the dog was adopted out - unless you're considering bringing a new dog into the house. You've got to be brave and confident enough to discuss (BEFORE the new dog enters the home) what each of you expects from the other - including the expenses. Draw up a written agreement - literally a contract that will list not only everyone's responsibility (who will feed, water, walk....) but also include an itemized budget - how much you're willing to spend per year on food, toys, kennel or petsitter costs, health/medical costs including vet fees and medications... As harsh as it soounds, even a monetary limit for medical expenses, a dollar value at which point the dog might have to be relinquished. This should be a quite significant amount, because because medical expenses can be very expensive. Certainly more than the price of a single medication such as Advantage (which can be found online for less than $15 a month).

I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't get a dog. You've both learned from a mistake, but maybe the lesson doesn't have to be that you shouldn't have a dog. Maybe the lesson is that you've got to discuss and agree on what pet ownership means, before you take on that responsibility. Negotiate it on paper before you bring the dog home, and make sure you're both satisfied, so that in times of stress - disagreements can be settled by referring back to the contract - or at worst, renegotiating the contract.

Make the contract specific, and including all possible events that could happen - a move, job loss, illness or injury of the dog or the people, a person in the household developing allergies, renegotiating the contract, placing time periods on consideration for rehoming (so that bringing a dog into or removing a dog from the home is never a impulse decision made out of panic) have contingency plans for everything.

But do this before a dog enters your home. Have it all in writing, so it's there when either of you begin second-guessing your choices.

I don't think either you or your husband are bad. You just have different viewpoints, and the contract will help you communicate, discuss, and come to an agreement that your whole family can agree on (you may even want to bring the kids into some of the discussions. I wouldn't discuss medical expenses and decisions with young kids, but they could be involved for discussions of responsibilities for caring for the dog - chores like waking, feeding, grooming...

Good luck.

Natoshial
10-05-2009, 02:41 PM
Wannabeskinny, you are right. I should have specified that I just wanted someone to listen or maybe some sympathy. Maybe that would have been better. Since I am going through a lot right now and I am very sensitive and hurt easily.

Kaplods, Thanks for posting. I hope if your mom is Bi-Polar she gets the treatment she needs. I'm still trying to find the right mixture for myself. Bo is doing great. Just talked to his new owner the other day and he is happy and healthy. Thanks for the tips but we will not be getting another dog. I wish you the best.