100 lb. Club - (Long long vent) I'm very MAD! Friend on welfare and shouldn't be is getting G/B...

09-26-2009, 11:10 AM
and medicaid is footing the bill and I am FURIOUS.

Here's the deal...this "friend" is a master manipulator of our welfare system. Since I've known her she's been working the system. She's NEVER been without foodstamps/medical, all because she lies or manipulates the system. She's lied to the government a few times and said her husband and she were separating to get the assistance. The other times her husband gets "hurt" and can't work for a month or so, which is just enough time for them to re-qualify themselves for TANIF, so they get $, foodstamps and medicaid for a another whole year. Now here's the thing, her husband makes over $125,000 a year in the oilfield. They own their home, she drives a newer mini-van, her husband drives a Magnum; their car payments are almost $1000 a month! My husband, when we lived in the same city as her, made $64,000 a year. We barely scrapped by, we never got assistance, we made too much to qualify, and we paid for our own benefits. She had the audacity to feel superior to us. Always talking about how much money they had, or how she'd be furious if her husband came home with a paycheck as small as my husbands and how nice her house and cars were. Then she'd tell me I should lie to get assistance. I was/am terrified at that idea!!
Well, awhile back her husband got hurt at work...again (he in my personal opinion is lazy, he doesn't want to work and this gives him little breaks...he also switches jobs at the drop of the dime if he thinks he can find one that'll be easier) and so now her whole family is on TANIF and medicaid. This conveniently happened after she was denied insurance on her, her husband and her 6, 4 and 1 year old because ALL OF THEM WERE TOO FAT!! EVEN THE KIDS!! The kids are huge, but that's a whole nother grip...I live in fear of putting my kids through being fat; she blames hormones in food or says they aren't really fat...the charts are skewed. He's been out of work for awhile this time round. He needed some sort of heart procedure (his weight is causing build up of cholesterol and they needed to check is arteries...my friend denies its a weight issue, even though this man must weigh almost 400lbs) and a knee surgery.
Anyways, she called last night...I only get to talk to her Highness when she calls me and NEEDS to talk. Otherwise she screens her calls and won't answer mine. She says its because of her depression. I'm trying to be the bigger person (well, not literally of course) because I really think this girl is in need of unconditional friendship, but it is getting so hard! Anyways, at the end of the call last night she tells me her insurance (she always says her "insurance" like she gets it through her husband's job) is paying for her to go to Denver Oct. to get the first consult for gastric bypass and will pay for the entire procedure for her.
I told her that was nice, my private pay insurance would only cover it if you worked their health program, which I am in, for a year. She made some comment about getting it afterwards and I told her I didn't want it. The saggy skin was turnoff number one (though I know you can get that by losing weight without the procedure, but it seems more an issue for those who've had it), 2- I didn't like the idea of undergoing major surgery, 3- I know I can do this without, I'm just being lazy right now and 4- the surgery only really works if you've changed your lifestyle, your stomach can stretch back out, and even if you keep the food amount small, if your eating nothing but fat dense foods it isn't going to matter. She brushed me off.
I am absolutely FURIOUS right now. I have nothing against our welfare system, especially regarding those who really, really need the assistance! Its a good program. And I am so sick of her. We make less than her family does but our taxes need to pay for her surgery?!?!?
I feel sorta bad...petty really because since her husband hasn't gone back to work (his knee suddenly acts up when its time to go back) they're getting in a pretty bad predicament. She's called me stressing about the money...the same woman who told me to lie to Human Services, who bragged about her home/cars/$$, who was horrified when she found out what my husband brought home, is suddenly hurting pretty badly herself, and all I can think is Karma's a ***** and you've been overdue. Course now her DH is going back to work, she's working her dr. to get disability and she still has TANIF/Medicaid for a whole other year...maybe karma's being a bit lenient!

Sorry for yet another vent, but now I want to lose weight just to show this *****...see, I did it...on my own, without surgery and I didn't make someone else pay for it!

09-26-2009, 11:19 AM
Tell me why this woman is your friend? If she lies, cheats the system, screens your calls, denigrates your husband....why are you friends with her at all?

Jennifer 3FC
09-26-2009, 11:27 AM
I don't blame you for being mad. It really irks me to see people take advantage of the system. I'm with Windchime. Dump the friend, you don't need dishonest people in your life. :hug:

09-26-2009, 11:28 AM
I'm curious. What is your definition of a friend? This seem like a one-way relationship with you doing all of the friendship parts and her just receiving what you're willing to give. I think you should drop her.

I'm a very firm believer that people get what they deserve eventually. She is a liar and a cheat. This will catch up with her. I pity her children who are learning to live their lives in the same fashion.

09-26-2009, 11:29 AM
I totally understand. I have a niece who is the same way.

She is separated and lives in a brand new apt., welfare paying most of the rent with her 3 kids, food stamps, medicare/caid, the works. Her ex is a truck driver and lives there when he's home, he's not supposed to, against the rules, but she said she knows how to work the system and won't get caught.

She's gone back to college, AGAIN, free of course cuz she's on welfare and has kids. This will be her 2nd college degree. Her first one was in autobody. *rolls eyes*

And she recently got a lapband, courtesy of our tax dollars. :mad:

She's got a horrible temper, rotten personality, thinks she can do no wrong, in trouble with the law on a regular basis, never her fault ya know,:dizzy: it just never ends.

It was funny awhile back though, karma gets you now and then, here's the story.

My oldest son is a State Patrolman. Awhile back another trooper pulled her over for some traffic violation. Turned out her DL was suspended. She pulled the relative card, and got all snotty with the trooper. He called my son, while running her record and asked about her. She had her kids with her and in our state, if you're driving on a suspended DL, it's an automatic, go to jail card. Well, son told his buddy, arrest her. :D So she got to get cuffed, go to jail and had to make some calls for someone to come and bail her out and pick up the kids. She doesn't speak to us anymore.:D

I'll take doing it on my own, scraping by on what we make and being proud of myself for doing things with morals, ethics, and good old fashioned hard work. When you do it that way your successes are yours and yours alone to treasure and be proud of.
Plus you don't have to worry about the law breathing down your neck for welfare/insurance fraud.

09-26-2009, 11:36 AM
How would you go about dumping a friend? I'm not the type of person who has ever done this...probably why/how I ended up with a friend like her in the 1st place.

Do I just start ignoring her calls or do I tell her, I think what your doing is wrong and that the friendship is one sided?

09-26-2009, 11:39 AM
Do I just start ignoring her calls or do I tell her, I think what your doing is wrong and that the friendship is one sided?

sounds like a good place to start.

And if you really don't want her to continue defrauding the system, report her.

09-26-2009, 11:41 AM
Total Ignore is a skill I'm very good at!

It's what I would do. You're not really "dumping" her per say, just moving along to greener pastures.

09-26-2009, 12:46 PM
I agree with everyone else, she's not a friend. You're just a person she dumps on when there's no one else around.

But on a different note, being pissed at her for the things she does doesn't help your sanity at all. I know it pisses you off, it pisses me off too. I have relatives that do the same thing. I have issues with going to family functions at their houses because I know they bought the food with food stamps, and they don't need them. Even if you called to report her it might not change things.
You cant control what she does. You cant change what she does. And you certainly cant cure her. But if you are the praying type, you can pray for her or try sending positive thoughts her way.
The other thing I thought about is. She probably really is depressed. I know how I feel as big as I am and I feel depressed a lot of the time. Although, I don't act like her. I wonder if she goes through with the GB surgery and loses weight she might feel better about herself and want to better her life. That would be a positive thing.

I wish you luck with deciding what you're going to do with your relationship with her. And congrats to you for letting it out on here. It always helps to vent. :)


09-26-2009, 01:10 PM
Your friend makes me furious - I can't even imagine how mad you are feeling. As the others have said - she is really not a friend.

I hate when people manipulate the system. The system gave my very good friend a new chance about 20 years ago. She escaped from an abusive relationship with her 6 week baby. She was an emotional wreck. But, though the system, she got medical, emotional, social work, some schooling, and child care. In 18 months she had a degree from a two year college, started a business, was productive and happy. This is what's suppose to happen. Some twenty years later - her small house is paid for.

But, your friend's behaviors are why folks don't want to fund these programs. Shame on them.

Yes, I can see why you can't really call her a friend.

I still don't quite understand how she qualifies for a free Gastric Bypass surgery.

09-26-2009, 01:16 PM
I'm all for telling her the friendship isn't working out. I know when I let something get to me that much, it usually means I'm upset at *myself* for not doing what I should, what I need, or what I want. I get really irritable when I put myself on the bottom of the totem pole ;). But I don't know if I'd say much about her being wrong. It will just set her off on telling you why she's not. Screening calls just puts you under stress, although it might still come to that. But yeah, seriously, you don't have to be friends with someone just because you always were, or because they like having people willing to let themselves be used :). Life is too short to fill it with that kind of person.

09-26-2009, 01:19 PM
after going through a few highly dramatic and "nutty" friends, I decided to simply jump ship when people became way too crazy, used drugs, or did other things that made my life difficult. Are you addicted to her drama? Does she give you something you need emotionally? Do you need someone who is like this so you can complain? Hard as it is, if you don't like it, drop her-- if you like it, deal with it, and stand by her. The outcome s your decison.

09-26-2009, 01:24 PM
I understand your frustration. I think for your mental health you need to
a) have no more to do with this woman. screen her calls, just ebb away. Even if you were the kind that could manage a fight, it is not worth it.
b) try to let her crappy behaviour vis a vis welfare go. people like that (in all our countries) are the ones who screw it up for those who genuinely need it. what makes me so angry in situations like this is my own powerlessness. but sometimes that's just the way it is, we can't sort and solve everything.
Let her and it go. Far away..........

Lori Bell
09-26-2009, 01:36 PM
Ugh, I know a few people like that. Sometimes in life you just have to move on. No need to be rude, or burn any bridges, just be "busy" every time she calls. Move on with people that make you happy.

09-26-2009, 01:38 PM
There's what they call "toxic friends".... this lady sounds like one of them. Not only are they bad people in general, but they quite often start passing their poisons onto those around them.... run!

Also, as to the system manipulation part... that seriously just makes me beyond angry. I work at a gas station and I get these people in ALL the time that come with their food stamp cards and buy like $30 of junk food, then turn around use cash to buy lotto tickets, cigarettes, and other crap. Or, they come in, and they pay for other people's food and get the cash so that they can go buy drugs or booze. Really gets my goat.... :mad:

Plastic Doll
09-26-2009, 02:27 PM
I am sorry to say but I don't think your friend is really a friend more of an acquaintance that takes and takes and takes. Imagine a black hole, sucking in all your energy and help as well as from all the people around her. You can screen her calls and eventually she'll give up but honestly I would just open up to her and tell her EXACTLY how you feel, no frills, no sugar coating it, nothing. If she reacts well to it THEN you can build an honest, good friendship from then on and if she doesn't then it'll be over at that point and she'll stop using you.

I know doing something like that can be tough on some people, me for one but it'll be much healthier for you in the long run. If it's difficult for you and you want to do that I would suggest enlisting someone as a "cheerleader" to make sure you open up and cut out all the crap. You're working on rebuilding yourself, that includes cutting off toxic people and from an outside view she is quite a toxic person.

09-26-2009, 02:33 PM
Honey, she is not a friend, she is a frienemy. She is obviously just finding out what is important to you and then trying to one up you. She probably is really deeply deeply in debt with her fabulous house and cars. I'm sure she's lied about how much her husband makes, because that's what people like her do... they lie. She'll lie to get assistance and she'll lie to feel better than others. I think you should end the friendship and I also think you should call the welfare department and report that you think she's cheating the system. Even if right now she does deserve to get assistance with her hubby out of work, an investigation may keep her from cheating the system in the future.

I had a co-worker like this one time and I did like to hang out with him, but it gets really old when him and his wife were always trying to one up us. When we bought our first house, they bought a house in the same city that was new, when I bought a new (to me) car they bought a brand new car. I finally realized that they aren't people I want to hang out with because I never feel good after I see them. My TRUE FRIENDS have fun with me, laugh with me, and never compare themselves to me because honestly, we just like each other and nothing material matters.

09-26-2009, 02:59 PM
Whether they deserve it or need it or not, some people just get things easily handed to them and other's will just struggle, that's life.

ITA if it's causing you stress and drama to back away. you never know, this woman might pull you in and get you involved in the drama.

Alana in Canada
09-26-2009, 03:20 PM
Great advice here. You really don't need her as a "friend." It is kind and generous of you to think she needs unconditional friendship--and maybe she does--but life isn't always "fair" --and you are NOT obligated to make up for it. Ever.

You need to report her to the proper authorities, don't you? Aren't you required to do so by law, or something? I remember this coming up on another board, once, and I think that was the case. If you know of someone defrauding the system and don't report it, you could get into trouble.

And I don't doubt it for a second that if this woman IS ever caught she'll name you as someone who "knew" and did nothing.

09-26-2009, 04:03 PM
I've been on both sides of "the system." My husband and I are both on disability. My husband's health issues are genetic and degenerative, so he will never be able to return to work, unless bionic replacement parts become available and Medicare pays for them. For me, there's at least hope because there's at least the theoretical possibility of remission or improvement (although I still often feel guilty about being unable to work, because my lifestyle probably did contribute to the disability).

And on the other side, most of my career life, I worked in social services and law enforcement (as a juvenile detention center worker - juvy jailer as the kids sometimes called us and as a probation officer) and it was my job to report welfare recipients "working" the system. The most common type of welfare fraud was denying that an adult male lived in the household.

On one hand, I was sympathetic to the women who had completely useless husbands and or boyfriends who were not contributing to the household in any way. In Illinois, at least when I was a probation officer, if a man was in the household (even if he wasn't working, whether by choice or not) the family would have a hard time getting any assistance (the theory being the man "could" work to support the family).

I dealt with many men who left their family so that their wife could get financial assitance and medical care for the kids. Some of these guys really had been trying to support their families, so it was often really sad.

A lot of people know people or know of people who abuse the system. So much so, that anyone having to be on any type of assistance is stigmatized. I've seen that look in people's eyes when they learn my husband and I are both on disability - it raises the "red flag" of welfare abuse. Especially since we're both overweight, I can almost hear people thinking that we're both just fat and lazy. They don't know that I worked 60 to 80 hours a week most of my career, often working two jobs. They don't know that my husband worked incredibly strenuous, back-breaking work most of his working life or that at age 17 after his first knee surgery (and before he became obese) doctors had predicted he would be completely disabled by age 30, because of his degenerative joint disease he inherited from his mother. Or that he managed to make it to age 35, possibly because of his weight - one of his bone specialists theorized that the combination of the excess body weight, huge calcium intake (from a diet high in milk and cheese) and amount of strenuous weight-lifting and weight-bearing work he did, that his bones were made so much more dense, that the strength of his bones may have compensated for the weakness in his joints. Of course now that the joints are failing AND hubby is unable to be as active - he needs to get the weight OFF (but it's hard, as we all know).

I'm getting off track, but what I want to say is that one of the reasons that welfare recipients get such a horrible stigma, is the high number of abusers - and the fact that it is so rarely reported.

There's a famous quote of Edmund Burke that I'm probably going to butcher, but it's something to the effect that "the only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing."

Whether you're legally obligated to report her or not, I don't know - but (personally, I'm only speaking my mind here) I think you're morally obligated to. Welfare abuse can only happen when people witnessing the abuse say nothing.

I know it's not easy to report someone who is or was a friend, or someone who is likely to continue to be in your life (if only as a neighbor). It's even harder to do, when you know it's going to impact on your life. You may have to testify or make a written statement - the person reported may learn or suspect you turned them in and may retaliate in some way. It's not easy, but it is the right thing to do, and if you do nothing you ARE contributing, even if only in a small way, to the welfare abuses.

I know that sounds harsh. I don't mean it to be. I know how hard it is to get involved. My husband and I had to call the police on a man abusing his girfriend in the apartment above us, and it was very scary. We were subpoena'ed to testify and both the boyfriend and the girlfriend were extremely angry that we had gotten involved. I didn't think it would be any more difficult than when I was a probation officer and had to do so, but it was a lot harder, because it was so much more personal (in that these people know where I live).

I wish you the best, because I know this is going to be tough.

09-26-2009, 04:39 PM
When I come across people like your "friend" I ask myself, would I rather have my life or theirs? It usually turns out that although I might think I would like to have certain aspects of it, the cost is all the other crap that I just couldn't live with and be happy. So, I'll take my life. I mean, can you imagine how stressful it must be to maintain all those lies?

As far as the gastric bypass, insurance will cover you if you have a qualifying medical condition; so, she must have diabetes, or high BP, etc. from the obesity, and that qualified her.

09-26-2009, 04:55 PM
Medically necisarry is the term she used. She has "back pain." She sees her dr about once a week, he prescribes narcotics (she's a Rx addict, ambien primarily)...she's in there all the time.

09-26-2009, 05:00 PM
30 years ago when my mom tried to use the money she'd saved up after 6 years on Welfare with me to go back to school at the same time I entered the first grade, Welfare cut her benefits & her case worker told her to meet a nice man & get married. :mad:

I'm glad the system works a little differently now (for the sbused mother with baby) but the niece & the friend of the OP need to sit in jail for Welfare & Insurance fraud.

You can report her, Tara, but because her husband is working sporadically nothing will come of it.

ANYONE who asks how much money you make is not your friend.

I would suggest as LoriBell did. Just stop answering her calls. She will get the hint eventually & put it in her arsenal she brings out to cry to the caseworkers, "I don't even have any friends anymore". You've been a good friend, it is time to put YOU first & just let her go.

09-26-2009, 06:53 PM
dump the frenemy.

only invest time/effort in people that bring happiness into your life.

09-27-2009, 02:29 AM
I'm curious. What is your definition of a friend? This seem like a one-way relationship with you doing all of the friendship parts and her just receiving what you're willing to give. I think you should drop her.

I'm a very firm believer that people get what they deserve eventually. She is a liar and a cheat. This will catch up with her. I pity her children who are learning to live their lives in the same fashion.

What she said...truly.