Depression and Weight Issues - Please Help Me Get Over Him

As if I wasn't suffering enough from anxiety and depression, my husband left me about 3 and 1/2 months ago. Not one day has gone by without me spending much of the day crying. I keep hoping he's going to come back to me even though he has made it clear he will not. I've begged, pleaded and bugged him to death for him to come back. I wish I could just accept this and move on but we were married for 25 years and I was happy and in love with him up to the day I got the phone call from him saying he wasn't coming home. I still love him though he doesn't care for me at all. He just threw me away. I never saw it coming. I still can't wrap my brain around it, that it's actually happening. I'm not living, I'm just existing from one day to the next, waiting to die.

I've been a stay at home mom and therefore haven't worked all my marriage. I've been looking but no one wants to hire a 51 year old, overweight woman with out of date experience. I don't have any friends at all. It's always been hard for me to socialize and I devoted my whole life to him. He was my everything. Now he calls tonight and is tired of sending me most all his paycheck. He wants me to file for disability, food stamps and medicaid. All the things he has been against all his life. He had told me he would keep me on his insurance plan but I guess he's changing his mind.

My sister tells me I should work up a good mad at him and that will help me get over him. But I've never said one bad word to him yet and nor have I bad mouthed him to any of my relatives or our sons. He has sure bad mouthed me though. I can't believe some of the stuff he has said to me. He even told me that if he had stayed with me, or if he came back to me like I want him to, that we would have made the news. He says he would have killed me and then himself. How pathetic am I to still want him back.

I don't know if I should contact a lawyer or not to see what my options are to make him continue paying me alimony now and through upcoming retirement (401K and SS for him). I have nothing coming to me. And I need to see if there is some way to make him keep me on his insurance plan at work. He doesn't want to file for divorce because he's from Canada and even though he has lived here for 25 years we never took the actual step to make him an American citizen. So he thinks he could be deported out of the country. I don't think so but would find out.

I'm so scared, anxious and depressed over this. If I could find something to feel good about like a job, a friend or something it would be great. But I sit here day after day with no joy or happiness, just waiting to die. It's all I see for me out there. Oh I have been on antidepressants for years and most recently my doctor put me on the generic of celexa.

So sorry this is so long. I really do want to live and be happy, lose this weight and get healthy. But it's so hard to just get up out of bed everyday and function at the minimum that I do. And I don't expect that anyone can help me but I don't have anyone to talk to and I needed to get this out. Maybe some encouragement from others who have been there or close to it.

Aww that's really bad I dnt knw if this is helping and I can't say I've been in the same positition as you but I can tell you that I have been heartbroken before and that's one of the worst things a person could feel. I'm sure once you start concentrating on other things and ur life starts going in a diffrent direction you will be much better. He didn't deserve you! Take care and I'm here if u need a friend or just an ear to listen :) u will be ok!

Please, please, sista...and as another Mary I will call you sista, go consult a good divorce lawyer. Good for you for not badmouthing him to your kids, but your DH is looking out for himself; you need to do the same, and you can't count on your own counsel.. go out and find an attorney so you know your options....doesn't mean you have to act, but you will know you are dealing from a position of strength...not weakness. Do it!

I'm so sorry you have to go through such a hard thing! I know I can't make it better, but you certainly have a lot of support here, so keep coming here every day and posting. It will give you something to look forward to, even if it's only a little thing.

I'm not going to give you any advice, this time! Just know that you have a place to come and talk it out. (And don't worry, I'll get around to giving my advice/opinion!)

Take care of yourself!

Mary, I am so sorry to read about your troubles. Please go talk to a lawyer; you need to take care of yourself and start protecting yourself.

J

We all care. You are in prayers. Focus on taking care of yourself and that your project. Keep us posted. We are here for you.

Stop contacting him and begging him to come back, no matter how hard it is. Unless it involves your kids or lawyers, go no contact.

I've been in a similar situation and my heart just aches for you. All I can say to you right now is PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE turn away from what he says, thinks, tells ya and TAKE CARE OF YOU! That could mean finding a good lawyer, making sure you are properly cared for after the years of care you've given him. Sounds like he has made up his mind to do what he thinks is good for him - so do what's good for you!!!! I like that your sister said to "get a good mad" at him to get over him If "mad" doesn't sound empowering to you, maybe come at it from a different prespective. Think of the things you would tell another woman in your situation . . . bet you'd encourage her to make her life the best it can be - with or without HIM.

Sending you a big hug:hug:

Also, I just have to say that it took me quite a while to get over the betrayal and abandonment I felt during a horrible breakup many years ago. BUT I did survive (even tho' I thought I'd die from crying) and I met my wonderful husband a few years after.

I just wanted to send a big hug to you :hug: you are a worthwhile human being, don't let him put you down. Take care of yourself, do it for you and your sons.
:hug:

Thank you all. It really helped me to "talk" to someone and you all have been so kind and supportive and encouraging. I was talking to my son awhile ago and we both think it is a good idea to contact a lawyer if for no other reason than to discuss my options.

And Millie K, you had the words I couldn't think of earlier. Betrayal and abandonment. That's what hurts most of all. That and trying to figure out the why of why he is doing this and why I didn't see it coming. I don't understand it. Just the last time he was home (he's a truckdriver) he was telling me how much he loved me. We were in the process of trying to purchase a new doublewide. (We got turned down) Then came the phone call and the end of my world.:cry:

Thank you.

mary

Oh honey, you sound like such a sweet and special person! DO NOT let him, or your weight, or anything else determine your value and your worth!

Yes, you absolutely need to seek out a good lawyer. Your husband cannot be allowed to control you through threats or by not taking care of his responsibilities. Absolutely get an attorney!

And lastly, please love yourself. There is so much joy in life to be had. I have not walked in your shoes, and cannot even imagine... but you can move on and enjoy your life that God has given you! You are loved!

Feel free to share with us if you need to... and please PM me if you would like to talk about anything! I will be praying for you!

I agree that you should contact a lawyer so that you would know your options (knowledge is always power). BUT, I've been in that same situation (not married to the guy but was deeply in love and out of the blue, he left me) and no matter how many times people tell you he's not worth it and to let him go, it's easier said than done. Getting good and mad at him or thinking bad things about him will only make you feel SLIGHTLY better and only for a VERY short time, it's not going to take away the feelings of love you have for this man. Unfortunately, I believe the only thing that will help is time (and if you pray, prayer).

To make my matters worse, I worked with this guy and saw him every day (he kept coming to my office wanting to talk, emailing me, calling me and wanting to have lunch like nothing was wrong...dork). Unfortunately, I accommodated him because I still "needed" to be around him, to hear his voice. It's weird but, being around him also helped with my healing.

Every time I thought of him and felt that intense hurt, I prayed that if he wasn't the man for me then please take away those feelings I have for him. A few months after our split, he transferred to another job and I didn't have to see him anymore and I slowly became strong enough to not answer his calls or emails.

Time my dear, time....It's going to hurt like **** BUT in time you will get over him. Please stay strong (((hug))).

I remember when I went through my divorce that it was incredibly painful. No words will help frankly; the only cure is time. And then you have to be willingly to get over it and go on with your life. There is nothing more pathetic than a woman spending the rest of her life mourning a man who left. You are at a cossroads; you can become a new person and have a new beautiful life, or you can spend you time wishing a man who doesn't want you comes back. Life can be difficult sometimes, very difficult. And, if I had to make a bet, I would bet there is another woman. Most men, esp after 25 years will just settle for the staus quo, but let another woman enter the picture and that changes. And if there is another woman, which you will find out eventually, he is deaf to anything and everything you say. I have observed this over and over. After my divorce I poured my heart out by writing in a journal and I went to OA where I found a tremendous amount of support. Lots of people to talk to and help me survive and in the end, thrive. I stayed at home too; but after I divorced I went back to college and got a professional job and at one point was making more money than he was. I never hated him and for our children's sake I never bad-mouthed him to them. He wasn't a bad person. We just grew apart and in the end it was the best thing for both of us. He's not coming back, but your life can actually be better for it. And get over the betrayal and abandonment thoughts. He wanted to leave; if he had told you gradually, or like he did, believe me it still hurts the same. That will lead you down the road to depression and hopelessness. The best advice here is to get an attorney. The judge will probably order that he pay for it. If no one will take your case because you don't have any money, go to the local legal services office. So, heads up and take charge of your life. I never went skiing, traveledto Europe, bought my own house, had lots of boyfriends, graduated from college (twice), until AFTER I was divorced. And I was fat all that time!

<HUGGGGG> - I know this is hard, and you're probably still in shock, but after all of those years of marriage, you need to get a lawyer immediately!! They will help you work out a settlement, where he pays a certain amount each month, he can't just walk away! Also, If he's so afraid of being deported, I would use it against him! He knows you're hurt and he's manipulating you. It doesn't sound like he's coming back, so for your own sake, you should start putting your life back together.

Get a lawyer...don't let him walk all over you....get what is due you. Seek God and pray. It does help and I am not particularly religious.

A big hug coming your way. Yes, to the attorney. Yes, to the prayer. Both good advice. The next piece of advice is trite but I have found it to be true. Fake it until you make it. You do all the things you *think* happy people do--healthy people do. How long? Until those things come naturally and the happiness of your spirit comes to surface once again. Make this all about YOU and getting what YOU need for a change. You can do this. Things will get better. One step after another. Just the next step. That's the only thing you need to even think about right now.

I cannot say I know the pain of a divorce or the situation you describe. I have been through some pretty bad crap otherwise though--with lots of crappy people along the way. Hugs to you Sister. --Another Mary

I work for an attorney. You definitely need to see one. Women are not awarded much alimony, if any, in a divorce anymore, thank you women's lib. You need to know your rights and what you can expect if you do end up getting a divorce. If you are disabled, definitely file for disability. It is at least something coming in and after 2 years you will be eligible for Medicare. Keep looking for a job. 51 and overweight doesn't mean you can't find something. I'm 68 and found a part time job 3 years ago and I'm certainly overweight.

I could have written the same story a few years ago, so I do understand your pain. The best advice I can give you is, go to a lawyer, do it right now,this is essential. do it right away. Even though you still love him, you MUST take care of yourself . Please make an appointment, do it today. The lawyer will know what to do.

Hi everyone,

I am so moved by all the supportive replies I've received from all of you. I cried through reading most of them. It's amazing that so many women can relate to what I'm going through after having been through the same thing themselves. That's what I needed to hear. That having been through this grieving process it is still possible to have a productive and happy life. Thanks! I don't feel it for me right now, but it gives me something to hope for.

And I've been praying so much, every day, that I think God is probably tired of hearing from me.;) But after reading all your replies, I'm thinking that perhaps He has already answered me and I'm just not listening because it's not what I was wanting to hear. But I always did end my prayers with "Your will, not mine, be done."

Again, big thanks and big hugs to all of you who answered my plea, whether you've experienced this or not.:hug: Your the best.

mary

While I have never been in your exact situation, I have dealt with a few long relationships ending nastily (one with cheating and him leaving out of nowhere) and the feelings of betrayal, abandonment and confusion that came with it. It was horrible. There is nothing I can really say to you, except that time REALLY does heal. I know you are hurting so bad right now, but I agree with everyone else that you need to go to a lawyer and quit contacting him. Don't let the thought of him possibly being deported stop you from filing for divorce and seeking alimony. That is his problem to deal with and you have enough on your plate. I would also check into disability if that is an option for you. You might qualify for legal aid, so you should consider checking into that.
I know it can be scary to take legal action, especially if you are the one filing for divorce, but it will help in the long run. I am in the middle of a separation from my ex, and taking the steps like filing for a restraining order, child custody, child support, etc, were heart wrenching--but after I did them, it was actually therapeutic because it helped finalize things. Another thing that really helped me through this separation was staying dedicated to losing weight. I had just started a few weeks before we split up, and I was so tempted to go and drown my sorrows in food, but sticking to it has helped motivate me. At least 2 months later I can feel good about being a few sizes smaller, than being even more upset that I gained weight overeating from the breakup. I don't know if there is much I can say to help, but just hang in there. No one ever deserves to have the things said to you that he did. You deserve better! :hug:

:hug::hug::hug:

Situations like these, I grieve, pout, bawl, etc. for awhile, then I figure, I need a PLAN! I gotta figure out what I'm gonna do, and since I had no control over this situation being thrust on me, I'm gonna take the bull by the horns from here, Da&&it!

I know it may seem a daunting task, but, get yourself to a lawyer. There's a lot to sort out. I don't know about where you live, but the state I live in you would be entitled to 1/2 of that 401k! Does he own his truck? Is your name on it? The health insurance ? what about any life insurance, if you're the beneficiary? house? furniture? bank account(s)?

If you feel you might be eligible for disability, check into it, it's money. If you think you might like to go back to college and start a whole new life/career, :carrot:you need to be talking to financial aid people now, so you can get your ducks in a row for starting 2nd semester.

Most of all keep up with healthy food choices and exercise, and don't sell yourself short, you're worth it!

This really struck a nerve with me! I really hope I don't make you feel any worse but I really do think you should start taking care of you!

So let me get this straight. He gets to leave you but doesn't want to divorce you and wants to keep all the money. So he gets to reap all the benefits of everything and you get nothing!

That sounds like a real deal breaker imho. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, I know it really sucks but you really need to take care of you.

He shouldn't be allowed to treat you this way. You should get yourself a good lawyer and look out for your best interests. Don't allow him to walk all over you.

I totally agree with get a lawyer, but I'm surprised I haven't seen everyone also mentioning to talk to a therapist.

I would STRONGLY recommend reaching out to a therapist of some sort. Keep in mind, sometimes you have go through 1 or 2 to really find someone to connect to - but you've been given an opportunity in life right now to find yourself who's been inside - and that is WONDERFUL and someday (probably not today, or in a month, or even 6 months) you might not see it, but you will!

If you have ever waited for a clear indicator of when to "change" anything - you've been handed a golden ticket.

You have a journey ahead of you, but you just need to be brave and use your emotions to fuel your change. It's hard, but it's worth it. You are worth it!!!

Like many of hte women here, I can't relate, but I do feel a sense of community with other women and therefore wanting to protect others.

Use this forum. Really, you can post about anything, even if it's not diet related and even if it seems like it's too personal or whatever.

Seek out a therapist or a clergy person, and also a lawyer. Many work on a sliding fee scale, or have free consults. You are worth it, and if you don't think so, consider your son, too..

As far as your work history, my father lost his job and went back to school as part of a program geared specifically toward getting a job in a certain field in thier town...there's resources out there.

Most of all, know that we are all thinking of you, praying for you, and, well, getting pretty pissed at your ex.

You better get going on the attorney because what are you going to do if he goes back to Canada? The U.S. as far as I know has no jurisdiction over him there; that's why you need an attorney, to tell you things like that. If you file, and you must file first because the person that files first has the advantage e.g. can dictate where the divorce takes place. For example, I lived in CA, and my husband filed in New york, so I had to get an attorney there. He just beat me to the punch and I didn't know anything about the law. Call Social Services in your town and get the number for legal aid at least.

I've been looking for divorce lawyers but it's like they are just a bunch of names and numbers on a page. I know nothing about them. Do I have to go see them all one by one until I find one I like.

I'm so broke. Down to my last few dollars. I haven't received any support yet from last week (it's in the mail) and today is his payday and I hope he sends me some today. I text him yesterday about seeing if he could send me today's (and future) money Wal Mart to Wal Mart so I can get it instantly. I told him he could even take the $11 fee out of my money. But he just wrote back saying he'll see. Sigh...

I hate living like this. The stress. I never expected to be worrying like this at this point of my life. The kids getting their own lives and then he throws me away when things should have been getting easier and better for us...together. I know, life isn't fair. It sure isn't.

I wish I could respond to each and every one of you. I never expected to receive this many responses full of so much support and advice. So much good and helpful information. I'll use all of it I can. Thank you all again. I'll be around more and update you as I can to what's going on with me. I look forward to getting to know all of you better. You're a great bunch.:hug:

mary

Hi Mary,
Your story broke my heart, but given all the replies, it sounds like you have alot of support, which is what us girls really need, isn't it? A good cry and a good friend to cry with. I'm just starting my weight loss journey, one that I've tried to start for the last 16 years. So, I'm going to need some encouragement, because I just feel so hopeless when it comes to my weight. I'm a pastor's wife, so it seems as if I'm supposed to be the one with all the answers, so what's my problem? Anyway, I'll watch for your posts, though I don't seem to get to spend too much time on the computer. This is my advice to you: No matter how you 'feel', you ARE worthy, you ARE loved, and you have been created for an amazing purpose in this life. Pour your love into your boys and let God pour His love into you.

I live in California so I don't know about other states but my husband left me and after a time I filed for divorce. He had to pay my attorney's fees.I really understand how you feel I have been there, I never believed my husband would cheat on me. But he did. So take care of yourself , get an attorney. Call around, check out legal aid, there is help for you. My personal reccomendation is do NOT involve your children , adult or otherwise, this is between you and your husband. Talking it over with your children is hurtful and stressful for them.

Many lawyers will give a free 30 min consultation. If you know a few people in your area who are divorced, ask them for recommendation. Otherwise, pick a few out of the yellow pages, that have divorce in their ad and make appts. for free consultation. Then you'll have a point of reference to start with. You can pick one out from there, or meet a few more if you're not comfortable.

I would also compile a list of questions you want to ask, 401k, Canadian issue, property settlement, insurance, alimony, etc.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your continued support and replies. You have given me so many good options and I'm checking into all of them as I can.

I did call Legal Aid and I don't qualify for their help. They said I had to be over 55, have a husband who physically abused me, or have small children and I don't qualify for any of those. That would have been my best choice though.

I've been looking through the list of names of divorce lawyers in my area. I called two that seemed to jump out at me but neither of those offered a free consultation. So I'm going to call a couple more on Monday. The thing about this list of lawyers for my area is that none of them are strictly divorce/family lawyers. A lot of them usually specialize in other areas but also do divorce matters. Some of the ads speak of mediation. That sounds very good and a heck of a lot cheaper. I would just have to work things out being close to my husband and I don't know if I can stand that yet. I still long to be with him so very much. I'd probably cry all the time.

I just wanted to update you and let you know what's happening. I'm still hurting so much. I still love him, or rather who he use to be all the 25 years I knew him. It's just going to be a work in progress. It'll take time.

mary

Mary, Your post really tugged at my heart. A year ago my ex walked out on me and two small children (11 months and 2 years). I thought I was going to DIE! I wanted nothing more for him to come home (he had an affair/married to her now). I started counseling immediately once a week (suffered for years from anxiety/panic disorder so that situation only made things worse) and then counseling became twice a month and now once or twice a month depending on how things are going. You know...it's going pretty good now; really helps to get things off your chest and have someone work through problems/issues with you. IT DOES GET BETTER SWEETIE! It takes time! Each day will get easier that you focus on YOU and not giving him your power by focusing on HIM! I am glad that you are seeking some legal advice/help. He can't expect you to just sit back and do nothing! I know it seems hopeless right now but it will turn around. Work at it every day and come here for support when you need it! You are in my thoughts!
Hugs! :)