100 lb. Club - Putting myself first...

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09-16-2009, 03:11 PM
Reading another thread about what we have learned along the journey.

Brings up a lot of thoughts and issues for me and the main one, is that I don't put myself first.

I will discuss this because I feel very comfortable here and I know I will get support.

I have 3 sons all of them have speech issue and sensory/behavior issues. Two are well on there way now that they are in school and have been in some form of service and well my youngest has been in service for over a year now, I know and am involved. My family life has taken over my life, it seems the only thing that I do for myself is garden and even that seems so uninvolved. But at the same time I've never fully given myself over to being the mom I want to be because I've been so unhappy with myself and wallowing in what I can't give myself.

After I had my 3rd son, I was depressed. I had my tubes tied and I was in depression over losing my fertility and losing my chance at having a girl. The last 9 months as I worked on myself, I've slowly come to terms with it.

The hard part, just over 5 weeks ago, my husband told me he had an affair during that time I was depressed. That affair produced a child, a child who is now 16 months old and is a girl. My husband and I love each other and are trying to work this out and he wants involvement with his daughter.

i am in counseling and have a great support system with my girlfriends, the counselor, my nurse and a few online support boards for this subject. it's so hard and we are working on it.

We have not told our children yet, or my family who all live here. A paternity test is being done, so I have prove positive before I move forward in that direction and we will move forward as hard as it is but i feel and have faith that this can be overcome and we can have a better marriage after this.

I was sick with grieve for a few weeks and my weight went down but now I see it going back up. I won't put myself last anymore.

I've signed up for a writing workshop (I love creative writing and I need to do this for me), I'll continue to get my exercise in, my time alone to got to craft night or read, I'm still working on my Health and Fitness courses. I feel that maybe this is something that makes me realize that I can't put all my faith and happiness into one person, that security is totally shattered but I can, we can make it new and different. I know I don't need him but I love him and want him in my life and in our boys life but now I know, I can do anything I want to, I have that strength inside me, that I can conquer what I seek.

i know this is heavy stuff but I didn't want to put it in that other thread and I felt ready to share this with you. You have been an amazing group for me and while I've been not fully committed and here the last few weeks, I'm doubly sure now that I can do this and I'm ready to put me first.

09-16-2009, 03:45 PM
First of all :hug:!!!

At first I was totally relating! I just had my 4th baby in May and because of the risk of more c--sections, I got my tubes tied. I am thankful that I have 4 healthy children including my one and only girl, but I still am mourning my fertility and I still long for more babies in my arms (crazy I know!).

Then I got to the affair part. I have to give you a huge :hug: and a pat on the back like you wouldn't believe! That would be 100% a deal breaker for me... no matter how much I love my husband, I could never ever trust again after that (I have skeletons in my closet.. I won't go there but will say once bitten, twice shy doesnt' even come close to describing it for me). I wish you two all the luck/strength in the world to get past this.

I can also relate to never putting yourself first. Pretty much everything I do revolves around hubby and the kids. I homeschool, so that doesn't even give that focus to someone else. I have recently decided I deserve somethings for me. If the baby wants to spend 30-45 minutes crying while I exercise then so be it, I have to do that for me. He is nursed and changed before my workout and again after, he is lacking nothing except a few minutes of lap time. My oldest does his math while I workout.. he uses a computer program for it. My "littles" (3 and 4 year olds) can color, look at books, play with toys or exercise with me. That is MY time and I DESERVE IT... SO DO YOU!!!!

09-16-2009, 03:45 PM
I had my tubes tied, too. I sure wish I wouldn't have. I would like one more baby and hopefully I can get it done with invitro...it's really expensive though.
I understand what you are going through, I mean we all have our issues, and I'm glad that you are trying to work it out.
Life is hard sometimes and we all have to get through it the best we can.

09-16-2009, 03:54 PM
Oh wow honey. *big hugs*

09-16-2009, 04:02 PM
Good for you for doing something for yourself. It's not easy to do as a Mom. And I hope you find healing, big hugs!

09-16-2009, 04:02 PM

Alana in Canada
09-16-2009, 04:18 PM

I'm really glad you have decided to put yourself *first.* It really will help--like putting the oxygen mask on yourself first so that then you can assist the others.

09-16-2009, 04:30 PM
*big hugs* That's a lot to be dealing with, but so proud of you for deciding to put yourself first. :bravo:

After my first marriage ended many years ago, I came to the realization that you have that you can't put all your faith and happiness into one person, you've got to be there for yourself. I totally applaud you for trying to work through this with your husband...not sure I could do that.

Wishing you much happier times ahead! :hug:

09-16-2009, 05:27 PM
Thank you for the hugs. I feel in a good place for myself right now even if I get sad. I have good day and bad but now I feel like I'm being true to myself and that feels good.

09-16-2009, 05:44 PM
I think a creative writing class is a fantastic idea.

Believe me - I understand the betrayal, grief, fear, heartache and anger that you are going through :hug:

I try not to give advice around here...but I'm old enough to be your mother and am speaking from a lifetime of experience.
Please take what you like & leave what you don't like :)

Affairs do poison a marriage - but there is an antidote - time.

Things won't ever be the same between you & your husband.
And that's okay
Trust me you can and will heal if given enough space.

If you haven't heard it yet - let me tell you - that what your husband did or didn't do has NOTHING to do with you.
Absolutely nothing.
His affair was all about him.
You are not to blame in any way whatsoever.

I hope you'll always remember that, and not dwell on any metal images or ideas of the two of them together.
when those thought enter your mind - you chase them right back out!

I'll go out on a limb here and state that 99% of all affairs are personally destructive for the person engaged in one and are carried on for selfish reasons.
Affairs don't just "happen" and they have little or nothing to do with the injured spouse.

The good news is that your situation has the potential to make your marriage, family life and you personally stronger.

09-16-2009, 06:03 PM
Oh sweetie, I definately feel for you and know how you feel. My ex husband had an affair and even though I honestly tried to forgive it was just something that I could not get past and we ended up divorced. It took alot of years for me to get back on track and focus on me and realize that no matter what choices he made it had NOTHING to do with me.

I have since met an amazing man, got engaged, had a baby and am pregnant again. It will get better, but it will take lots of time.

Good luck to you and best of luck on your journey ahead - you sound like you have a great outlook on things.

09-16-2009, 06:04 PM
Thank you Susie. I'm well aware of all you state, I've hooked myself up to a great, a couple actually support boards that are all about this very issue. It's helping me wonders. I am in counseling as well. My counselor and my nurse who I disclosed the info to, both said I seemed pretty healthy mentally and I keep hearing how well I'm doing for it being so soon after. I'm taking it one day at a time. Thank you for you response and caring.

09-17-2009, 12:43 AM
Just wanted to give you a big hug...:hug:


09-17-2009, 05:37 AM
as a mother i totally understand how everything gets put ahead of yourself. i dont have ay advice but i just couldnt read and not reply. you are an amazing woman and your mental clarity is awe inspiring. i hope things continue to strengthen for you, you deserve lots of happiness.