100 lb. Club - Random Thoughts and Realizations

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09-16-2009, 12:46 PM
Today I have been thinking about the past year and a half and my own weight loss journey. Quite a few times I have panicked and cried about "plateaus". Then today I pick apart the past year and a half and analyze my "plan" and what I see is at the beginning, though I wanted to lose weight, I really hadn't committed myself 100%. I was "closet" eating each time my boyfriend left for work or went to bed or ran to do errands. I would immediately grab some high calorie/high fat foods and shovel them in like I was starving. That along with the fact that I wouldn't log/track those foods, as if not tracking them meant they didn't count..right? Wrong. Those things are the reasons that earlier in my journey, I struggled with the scale, watching it go up and down and up and down, like a friggin rollercoaster. I haven't done those things in months and I am so proud to be able to post that today. I am so proud that when it comes to the battle with food and my mind, I can now win(99.99% of the time anyway, no one is perfect). I am proud that I can be honest with myself and I track everything I eat and drink, no matter how big or small. I am proud that today I am on track and on plan and I will always do my best to keep me there.

What have you realized during your journey?

09-16-2009, 01:24 PM
Hello!!! Great question! I don't mean to be a buzzkill on this thread but here goes....

So I am currently battling with drug and alcohol addiction (actually 5 months sober on the 17th!!!) and recovery has made me take a good hard look at my life, my thinking patterns, my choices. And what I am realizing is that I AM AN ADDICT! :) I don't do ANYTHING "just a little bit!" I have examined my life, my eating, my gambling, my sexual habits, all of it and it's like, wow! How did I not realize this!?

So what I am realizing is kind of existential, not so much diet focused but here goes.

I had a big fat void in my life, I was always looking for something MORE, something better, so I filled that void with food, pills, alcohol, well, a lot of things. Now I realize that some of that void was the lack of spirituality in my life. I am changing a lot on that front, going to church, getting in touch with that side of me. But I don't want to go too far down that road, I know religious discussions can get controversial.

But the big AHA realization for me...is that perfectionist attitude. Setting standards too high and feeling like a failure, hating myself, low self esteem, anger, sadness, drove me to medicate all those bad feelings. And with some counselling (and THIS was a huge revelation to me! I never, ever put this to a concrete thought until I met my current counsellor) I realized that my mom always held a resentment against me for having me so young (17) so she never went to college, never got a great job, etc...so she did that pageant mom thing, driving me to be the best, the smartest, whatever. So I set those standards to unattainable. So when I didnt reach those standards, I was a failure and, well, medicated. Here I am, all 250 pounds of me.

Was that too heavy for a light thread?

My life is so good today though! I LOVE LOVE LOVE going to AA. I love it. I love exploring the psyche, love getting in touch with my spiritual side. And in doing so, I've been walking in the woods to think, eating healthily, trying to get well in body, mind, spirit, and it's like, HEY. I think I finally got it. So I feel pretty confident that I will lose the weight this time. Because I am doing it the right way, because I'm not using a crutch if I don't make, because I don't have to have it NOW (<---the addict is all about the instant gratification!) Because I don't have to be alone, because my higher power wants me to be the best me I can be, because He forgives me for my past, because today I have the right people, places and things in place.

Holy crap, where did all that come from? LOL Thanks for letting me share. xo Michelle:D

09-16-2009, 01:25 PM
No, thank you for sharing and I am so glad your life is different today. You are a strong, inspirational person :hug:

09-16-2009, 01:26 PM
That's fabulous, Michelle. :hug:

You made a great point about being honest with yourself. I had to do that this month, too. And when I looked back and saw that I started September at the same weight as I started August, I knew something wasn't right. I initially thought I was on a "plateau" but really, I just stopped keeping close track of what I was doing. I made the decision on 09/07 to recommit & be more honest with myself and I've since lost 4 pounds :carrot:

I've also come to realize that every new low weight I hit is some kind of self-sabotaging nightmare. I'm trying to figure out why I'm punishing myself as I lose more weight because I think if I can figure that out, I'll be a lot more successful. :)

09-16-2009, 01:31 PM
I totally understand Abby. Kudos for getting back on track. I wish you nothing but success :hug::hug:

09-16-2009, 01:33 PM
Congratulations!!! You've done/are doing sooooo well and are such an inspiration. I was just looking at success stories and having a minor freak out about how much weight I still have to lose and how everyone seems so very diligent and disciplined and what a loser I am because I'm not and it just seemed so overwhelming that I could have cried.

I completely identify with you except not in terms of food (I'm pretty solid with that) but in terms of exercise. I've sort of fallen of the wagon in the last couple of weeks and I talk the talk but don't walk the walk and its fine now because I'm still heavy enough to lose with just food, but soon I won't be and I am developping this bad habit of making excuses not to exercise and lying to myself about why I'm not. A (skinny) friend who knows that I was working out pretty consistently last week was like "please please let me know when you go, I want to go too" and I lied and told her I go at awkward times which used to be true when I was going, but really hasn't been for the last two weeks. So yes, I'm a bona fide liar now, and for what?

Anyway, I just wanted to say you're an inspiration and your post really spoke to me about things I need to wake myself up to and commit myself to doing before they become a big problem in my journey.

09-16-2009, 01:39 PM
Thank you so much, toastedsmoke.

I don't know why I left out exercise in my post but I do understand.

I use to find an excuse so many times for not working out consistently...it was that time of month or I didn't get enough sleep or it was the anniversary of the day my husband, my momma, my daddy passed or Ihad a headache...excuse after excuse. But now that I do exercise on regular basis, I can really tell a difference in my body and I am generally in a better mood(except during stressful times) but even when I am stressed, depressed, mad, sad, etc..I still exercise. I refuse to punish myself anymore and that is what I was basically doing. I wasn't hurting anyone else by not eating right or exercising..only myself. I deserved better and you do too :hug::hug:

09-16-2009, 01:46 PM
I wasn't hurting anyone else by not eating right or exercising..only myself. I deserved better and you do too :hug::hug:

So true!!! I used to call exercise my "gift to myself" because it's one good thing I can do for my body and soul. It's not like I'm doing anything better with the 30-60mins. I'll give my friend a call, it'll at least force me to go today. Thanks so much, you're a real superhero!

09-16-2009, 01:47 PM
Good for you!

We also have an exercise accountability thread here that is helpful to some of us, me included, if you want to check it out -